Acknowledge in your rage the powerlessness around being repeatedly manipulated into performing emapthy and care up against an impossible, double standard of being nice all the time. Embrace that you sometimes must use aggression and force to get others to back off if they have felt entitled to your energy, time and resources. Accept that this does not make someone like you narcissitic, irresponsible or entitled, but expresses your self love and dignity.
Doug Noll
Well...isn't this, in a sense , what I have been writing about in my rampages about my present living situation? I am not so sure about the "force and aggression" part but I do realize that assertiveness and limit setting is required. I have set my limit, reached out to others and to the individuals involved, expressed at least some of these stuffed feelings and set the motion for change rolling. And I refuse to beat myself up anymore for this decision. I love that last line!!! I will remind myself daily that doing this does not make me narcisstic, irresponsible or entitled. I am simply expressing self love and dignity!
The Psychosocial Empath
I do believe I am an empath and I like to look at that label not so much in a metaphysical way but in a psychosocial way. I am an empath because I had trauma in the early years...Most of us gain this level of empathic intuitiveness, not from a "witchiness" passed on from generation to generation, nor do we get it by constantly witnessing empathy expressed in kindness and compassion toward self or others, but just the opposite. We gain that empathic ability as a survival mechanism.
A Means to Survive
Being sensitive to negative emotion, especially if it is directed toward us in those early formative years, makes it imperative that we discover any way we can to avoid being hit with that debilitating pain again and again. We learn to watch for the build up of negative energy in others...we learn to pick up the subtle cues and signs that it might be coming and we do whatever we can to protect ourselves against it. We become super perceptive and super sensitive to those subtle energy shifts...especially the "negative" energy shifts. What we do most times, as a reaction to or a protection from, is turn our selves inside out to avoid being a target. Many of us...will adapt a super "nice" and "people pleasing" persona. Any "anger", "aversion" or "rage" that would naturally come with being hurt again and again is not expressed outwardly in a healthy way. It is instead supressed and repressed as to avoid becoming a target and thus having the negative energy hurled at us.
The Need to Be Nice
We are often taught that sticking up for ourselves and defending ourselves against this behaviour and energy, expressing or even having this natural "anger", "assertiveness", inside us as a response is "wrong, bad, shouldn't be". We are guilted and shamed into accepting such displays of negativity as "normal" and of being super nice, accomodating and nothing but pleasing to others regardless of how we are treated. Anytime we feel anger or aversion we are, because of our pathological conditioning, automatically going to feelings of shame and guilt for not being "nice". We then work hard to squish those feelings down. Squishing, squishing, squishing. And we also cope with our shame and guilt through rationalization and over compensating.
So many of us trauma survivors are "broken empaths". We are very uncomfortable around negative energy. At the same time we feel great shame and guilt when we experience the anger, aversion or desire to protect self from it. We have been told it is "selfish" to put our own protection first and whatever energy we are picking up is all just in our heads anyway...we are just being "paranoid"or "too sensitive". It becomes a very painful cycle to be in.
Well I have always undestood this to me reality anyway...but I forget and slide into habitual ways of responding to negative energy. And this present situation I am living in now is like a wonderful learning platform.
What I am being taught in my present situation
It is showing me ...how I am dismissing and hurting myself because of old conditioning.
It is showing me I am indeed an empath picking up negative energy but I am a very broken one. I am not using this wonderful "trick" I picked up in childhood in a way that would benefit my evolution.
It is showing me that I have stuffed a lot of "new" anger, aversion, resentment inside me on top of all the "old" anger, aversion and resentment and it all needs to be expressed. It needs to come out!
It is showing me that I do not need to "own" this negative energy from others or fix it for them. This is their energy...I must give it back to them.
It is showing me...that I do not need to live like this, I do not need to be a victim to other people's energy. I don't have to pretend to be "nice" and deny myself in order to soothe the energies of others.
It is showing me that what I have been doing is more about "spiritual arrogance" rather than "spiritual humility". I have been suffering this, believing it was part of my spiritual practice and excusing the others because I assumed their level of spiritual development and consciousness was so much less than mine. I told myself it was up to me to be the "more spiritual one". How is that for arrogant? Who am I to say they are less spiritual than me, less conscious and therefore that they"need me and my spiritual ways to guide them." They are exactly where they are meant to be now in their evoluton and I am exactly where I am meant to be. As it turns out...they are becoming the teachers here...not me.
What do I need to do?
Wow...I need to be able to say, "I feel anger when....; I feel aversion when....; I resent when..." I need to be able to say..." This is not good for me...and this living arrangement is not going to go on....in the mean time...this is my house and this is what I want to happen in my home." I need to look at the individuals involved and say, "I am sensing or I understand that this place gives you the security and comfort you have been feeling like you need. I understand that the idea of leaving will create anxiety and fear in you. I also undersatnd that you feel anger and sometimes aggression when I bring up the fact that the situation has to change but these are your feelings. You own them. I will, however, respect them and hear them. I will also do my best to support and assist you with this transition, making it as easy as possible for you, because I do care. I cannot stop you from feeling pain...that is not my responsibility. This is your journey and I sincerely hope you find your way."
Wow! I did say that recently ...maybe not in the exact same words but I did. I am beginning to learn what the wise teacher teaching this lesson (Life) wants me to learn.
Wow!
A lot of this insight clicked inside me after " randomly happening" upon this video below.
All is well.
Empath Help (July, 2020) Damaged Empath https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbGnin_fkbg
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