On Being Kind

 

Be kind whenever possible, and it is always possible.

Dalai Lama

I am thinking about kindness and how important it is to me.  I preach about it, teach about it, and try to make it my life mission. But...you knew a but was coming in there didn't you?...I don't know if I am really kind or if I am more concerned with the idea of being kind.  Do I really feel kindness as much as I "should"...(man I need to get rid of that "should" word but what I  mean is)...in the assumed requirements of my practice to attain and maintain a level of peace through the inner exploration and development of the attributes of compassion, metta-kindness, wisdom and love ...am I truly experiencing kindness or just doing a lot of thinking, acting and lip service about it? Am I just going through motions when the vehichle is actually empty of that feeling? 

I awoke in the middle of the night and asked myself that question.  

I enjoyed a lovely get together with highschool friends and acquantances last evening. I was once again welcomed into a circle of kind considerate beings who have been maintaining a connection and  enjoying getting together for years for no other reason than wanting to be together.  I felt honored to be welcomed in to that circle so warmly. Even though "kindness" was the feeling I got from that table...old patterns of core belief emerged that made me want to add on to that..."when I don't deserve it".  

Because of "trauma brain" I don't remember my high school years very well. I didn't stay connected like the others did...I walked away from all associations that would trigger my memory and  pain.  

I remember all these lovely ladies in some form or another, envying their connections with each other, their successes and their, what seemed on the outward surface, "very normal lives".  I liked all of them. I just felt because of my circumstances and what trauma had done to my thinking ....I paled in comparison.  I also never knew if they "liked" me or even remembered me at all. I don't remember clearly how I fit in there...assuming I didn't. How could I? Yet, this very special group from highschool, if I strain to remember, was always a very warm, non judgmental and  discrimation-free group. They are the same way now. They welcomed everyone in then and they welcome everyone in now. Wow!

I was shocked to have some of this group remember things about me that I don't remember. I don't know how to share with others that "I don't remember much!" so I go along with the memories hoping that I didn't do something strange or more importantly, unkind, in those events they recall. I could have been unkind but I truly hope I wasn't! 

So last evening, as they were happily sharing their recent life events...their children's weddings, their children's graduating from med school, the good jobs they or their children have gained in their professional roles, the experiences they are having that clearly show they are not worried about paying their mortgage, (none of this story telling was competitive or ego dominated...just fact) I felt myself sinking in my chair.  "Don't let them  ask me what is going on in my life, right now, please." I found myself praying, " or what my beautiful and wonderful children are doing."  I knew socially, I was no match...socially I did not fit in. ...socially they would not undersatnd my situation or my childrens'.

I just wanted to sit there and be kind, listen kindly, speak kindly, express gratitude kindly.  Kindness then was not necessarily expressed as  a natural flow of this energy I am developing ( and I am certianly developing it) but more as a defense mechanism. My mind ws once again telling me, " If you want to survive social situations without risking exposure...just be kind." 

That kindness I have been conditioned over the years to demonstrate outwardly to those I especially felt awkward around was always about putting others first. The kindness was never kindness for myself.  It was actually a learned  way of defending against my own inadeqaucies...Expressed kindness, whether it was genuinely felt or not, was a way of preventing  these inadequacies from being  exposed to self or others. When I got to know someone well...trust that they would not pick at my inadequacies...kindness was no longer needed as a defense mechanism and I would treat them at the same level I treated myself...and that was not always kind. 

That was quite an insight gathered from a lovely evening out and a bit of middle of the night ruminating.

The point is...I want to experience and feel kindness in a genuine and authentic way, beyond the "thought, action or lip service". And true kindness when we develop it fully is kindness for all and the "I"...this clump of flesh and personality is included in that all.  How can we be kind to others if we are not kind to ourselves?

Now I am getting there...I am.  I did reflect on this metta-kindness during meditation today. I felt it. Beneath my habitual use of it as a defense mechanism...  When I reflect and look deeply I can say I genuinely felt and feel it for all those lovely ladies who sat around the table last evening; I felt and feel it for those beings I had to painfully confront yesterday with my truth; I felt and feel  it for my most precious and suffering children; I actaully felt and it for all beings and I felt and feel it for myself.  I am getting there.

All is well