You get a stronger sense of who you are in your essence when you are not telling yourself in your mind who you are.
Eckhart Tolle
Wow! I am thinking about that quote as I write my sister's story which is in a sense my memoir. At the same time I write this I am attempting to discover my essence identity, to "wake up" to what is really important outside of story. Of course I am doing that while "I" am going through so many challenges in this world of form. It is like Wow! I really don't know anything or how to get anywhere but know what I need to do is actually nothing...I don't need to do anything until I "be" first.
Feeling Dissatisfaction
I am feeling so much "dissatisfaction" with what is in my experience right now. I am obviously still caught up in form identity more so than being rooted in essence identity. I am trying though...I am ...to investigate , understand and disentangle myself from who I think I am and the resultant resistance of what is so I can settle into the "This is how things are!" the dharma teaches.
Hmmm! It ain't easy...let me tell ya.
Experiencing Essence
I did experience essence when I was suspended 150 feet above the rocky shore, rapelling down a cliff on Friday . All the issues I am facing here were not on my mind let me tell ya. I was more concerned as to where I put my foot so I didn't hurl face first into the sharp crevices of the cliff. I also found my essence Kayaking around amazing natural wonders shooting the thousands of Sandpipers that flew all the way from the artic, the evening before. During this in the moment stuff, essence and I were more than just communicating...we were one...we had to be. I knew who I was and I loved every scary and breath taking moment of it.
Back to Reality
Then I had to come back to face the things I was hoping to escape and the feelings of "This is not right! This is not what I want! " just crept right back in. They even intensified when some of my fearful concerns were validated to some degree the next day with yet another incident that broke my heart and left me worried and crying for hours.. It was like , "Oh man!" There is so much feeling in me that I don't know how to handle. And because of past "nice girl" conditioning and my deep desire to be a spiritual warrior on the path of knowledge (Goldstein and Kornfield, page 81 ) I feel so much shame that I am so challenged to find peace and some semblance of happiness in this situation. That I can't just let it be.
No Wrong Feelings
Then serendiptiously I listened to Alan Watts today and his words consoled me. He taught that there are no wrong feelings. Our feelings are not wrong...they are just part of this ever changing , coming and going -"This is how things are!" One of the feelings that prevents me from taking action here is this shame and guilt I feel for my feelings. Instead of gently but assertively (and I am discovering I really need to be very, very assertive here if I want to be heard) pushing for change I am beating myself up for wanting it, for "judging" this situation as something that is "wrong" for "me". That is just not nice and just not spiritual in my mind. The fact that I feel these feelings of aversion so strongly, in my conditioned mind, is shameful.
Watts points out in the listed video below that feeling this shame leads to a pretending otherwise, a stuffing of the truth and an eventual increased intensity to the feelings we are trying not to feel. I see that happening here. I am resisting these feelings I have...these honest, real feelings of aversion and therefore I am not pushing for change. What might happen, if I do not look more deeply into them is that I might allow these feelings I am attempting to resist to push me toward "wrong action". I sincerely do not want to hurt anyone but these feelings are teaching me, if I really listen, that I am the one being hurt...and it doesn't have to be that way.
Sigh!
We need to stop pretending, compensating for and beating ourselves up for having feelings of aversion. There is nothing right or wrong about these feelings...they just are. Sure we need to look deeply into them before we act on them and tehn we must act in an unharmful way but as long as we resist them...they will persist and the chances of blowing up and acting out in a harmful way increases.
I don't want that either. I truly do not want to hurt anyone...I just want to help and serve...but I need to include this clump of flesh in that mix I help and serve as well. If we want to truly connect with this inner essence identity we need to be as Watts reminds us, one with our feelings.
Hmmm!
All is well.
Godstein & Kornfield ( 2001) The Heart of Wisdom. Shmabala Classics: Colorado
Eckhart Tolle (July, 2020) The Beginning of Awakening and Essence Identity.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_o2iOavxYI
Alan Watts/Wiara (Dec, 2017 ) Embrace All Your Feelings https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RnafTtXMYI
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