Self-pity is our worse enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.
Heen keller
I am not sure if I am feeling sorry for myself or if I am just grieving but I have been crying off and on since 4 this morning. My belly was acting up. (Think I am having a bit of a diverticular flare up...nothing serious, just enough to make this body uncomfortable.) and it just weakened me enough emotionally to make me cry. Once the tears started, it was hard to stop them. Though I have become very good at living in the moment, allowing and appreciating what is, the reality of my situation sometimes hits me like a slap in the face knocking me out of the experience of "presence". Without a place to call my own, I feel so ungrounded. On top of that I have been experiencing these little triggers to my samskaras of unworthiness.
Huh?
I have the strong "sense" that my presence is bothering others (Despite what I am told, I am not being paranoid. I feel things the average person wouldn't feel. So, I know when someone feels my presence is an intrusion.) The feeling is so strong. I just want to get out of here now but where do I go? I have my old yoga room at the house but there is so much work to make it livable. I splurged and baught a dehumidifier yesterday that it badly needs...but so much needs to be moved. I can't do it alone. That's it. I feel so alone in this...I think that is what I feel more than anything. People have been good. They have been offering to take me in and when they do they are kind to me. They just don't understand what it is like. Few could understand what I am experiencing, being that their circumstances are so on the other end of the spectrum than mine, and when I share ( only when asked) it is like "oh" and the subject gets changed so quickly like I was just talking about the weather. I have this deep sense that me and my experience does not mean much to people. I know it is statistically insignificant but to realize how insignificant it, and possibly me as another human, is to others is a bit unsettling. It reinforces the "statistically insignificant" . Maybe, that is a good thing, right? I am seeking to diminish the power this "me" feels it needs. I am seeking to diminish the "me". Maybe it is a good thing to realize tht I will not get any secondary gains from my victim status...that the ego typically would look for, like pity. I don't want pity...but maybe ego still wants it. Oh, I don't know. Just having a day lol...just having a day.
At the same time, I know this situation would be difficult for anyone and it is okay that this human is finding it hard. ...and that I, as the Objective Observer, is being pulled in again and again to the drama of little me. I know I am down here, swimming around in all this. I will get out somehow and in someway. I will reclaim my seat as observer. I will. But man, I am just tired. It is so hard. Am I allowed to say that a yogi-wanna-be? lol. It is so hard.
I will regain my center. I will.
All is well.
