Stop whatever you are doing and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won't be able to do this anymore?
Marcus Aurelius
My last entry may have caused a bit of a stir...not my intention.
I Am Okay! I can assure you, I am not suicidal. I have no ideation what so ever, passive or active. I would never do anything to end this Life. I cherish it!!!
I am just not afraid of death and if it were to come for me right now, I would be okay with it, especially considering the challenge of the lessons in front of me it would allow me to skip. The fear of facing this lesson far outweighs my fear of death. Hmm!.
In the previous entry, I am just being honest about a very real emotional experience many humans will at one point face. We may find ourselves preferring the fulfilled finishing of our time here (graduation) to struggling with the very, very hard lessons that we cannot seem to see the answers for that get put on our desks.
The outcome of such an emotional experience can often depend on who in us is in charge. Reactive lower self might just want to end the pain, and "quit school" early while Higher Self , though the lesson may seem impossible to master, is determined to graduate. It doesn't want to leave school until it has a diploma in its hand. It knows it isn't going to meet the qualifications for graduation until it passes these lessons or gets permission from teh administration to skip. So though upon looking at the lesson there doesn't seem to be any light or reasoning, Higher Self believes in the process and keeps going until it is told it is finished....even if it has to repeat many grades.
Higher Self is in charge in this human I call "me" these days. Even when I slip into the drama every now and again...I don't operate through lower self very much anymore. So, there is no active or even passive suicidal ideation.
It is true that to the lower self the situation right now, the psyche and the body are experiencing, absolutely sucks. Yes...I admit to that. It is very, very challenging to see the light from this perspective. And it is true that I do get pulled down into that lower self perspective from time to time. It is also true that I would not want these circumstances to continue like this for this human over an extended period of time. Would anyone?
I am trying to do my part in making it better. I am. Right now, however, I cannot 'practically' see how to do that, how it will change, therefore I cannot see it getting better any time soon. I cannot yet figure out the equation. It is a very, very difficult lesson for this human. I am not sure how to cope until it does change or until I figure out what I am meant to learn. This lesson is telling me I need to ride out a storm with an indefinite life span to it, but with a high probability of struggle and difficulty and absolutely no gaurantee that it is going to get easier or that I am going to figure it out. That is just the reality of my experience right now. For that reason, if I had a choice of it going on like this for another three years or being able to skip this lesson so I can graduate early on the direction of the school administration....reaching the end of a contract and moving on. I would choose the moving on part. I would. I would not do the premature termination of the contract on my own, I would not quit school...but...if I am told that I can skip some courses...especially this one...and graduate early, I might agree to skip the course. Regardless if I skip or don't skip, if the powers at be were to tell me I fulfilled all the requirements and it is time to graduate, I would be okay with that. Would you?
That questioning does not make me suicidal. There are a set of pretty existential questions we all should ponder: Do you see Life as an Earth School and our challenges as lessons necessary for advancement and graduation? If so, if you could skip a really tough life lesson, at the direction of the principal, to graduate early...(still fulfilling your soul contract).... would you? Even if you meet the requirements in the traditional way, are you ready to go get your diploma with a smile on your face or when they call out your name are you going to resist, run, or hide by saying "Teacher! Teacher, I am not ready yet. Can I stay in school for another year?"
I know that is going to set alot of people off! I am not talking about suicide in anyway shape or form.. I am talking about accepting death if it comes to tell you, "You have fulfilled your obligations, you have met your requirements. It is time to graduate, leave Earth school, and move on!" ?
Are you willing to let Life decide when it is time for you to graduate even if it means graduating earlier than everyone else, or staying in school doing the hard work of learning longer than everyone else? That is all I meant. I believe myself to be ready for either. I am not looking forward to tackling this lesson on my desk. I fear that I have yet to gain the wisdom and strength to master it. For that reason I do find myself , on occassion, wishing that the principal will come to the door to tell me I can skip it. I also strongly believe that is not going to happen. So, I better buckle down and keep learning!
Still, if you feel a certain helplessness and hopelessness that is leading to thoughts of self harm and suicide please seek help. Even if a passive suicidal ideation is leading you to neglect your own care. If psyche and lower self are calling the shots in your desire to quit school early, please get the help and support you need from the physical world, while seeking guidance from the School Administration. .
All is well.
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