We have the real self, and the false self, there's nothing wrong with them, and everyone has both of them.
Benjamin Clementine
I was innocently inspired into a renewed realization yesterday. I read a kind but neutral comment from a reader, and I do not get many comments, that made an observation about my psyche. It questioned if this human (for the life of me I have a really hard time now saying "me" or "I" ...it doesn't sound right anymore...so, I often say "this human or this human I call "me" which probably doesn't sound right to anyone else, making others think I am nuts lol), suffered under a diagnostic label of a mental illness. More specifically, upon reading my expressed responses to the suffering of others, it questioned if I had what is now called Responsibility Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
For some reason that simple suggestion triggered me. It poked at an old samskara I still have buried deep inside me that is wrapped around this core belief, "Don't let people see your broken bits. If people call you out on them, say that you are mentally ill, then that is bad, wrong, shouldn't be...because that means that they see how broken you are, see that you are "bad, wrong, shouldn't be. They will not accept you." (That is a pretty gruesome core belief coming from someone who worked in mental health for a while and who was studying to become a psychologist at one point in her life, isn't it? Especially knowing how this stigma often gets in the way of others getting the help they need.) Still, that core belief has been so conditioned into my samskara ridden subconscious that it will get triggered to come out when people make very honest and innocent comments about the state of my mental health. Even if these comments are made after reading an article or essay where I express that I have issues, as I did in this one explaining how I psychologically and physically react to suffering. It is okay if I, as this human, points out these cracks and weakened stress points, but when someone else points them out I immediately tense up into a position of resistance. I watched myself...well this human's psyche and body...tensing up in reaction to that comment and it blew me away.
Here I am writing about getting to the root of who we are by excavating away all these ideas of who we think we are, and I am reacting to a very honest and neutral comment about what might be causing this psyche to respond to the suffering of others in the way it does. Truth is that the observation was bang on! Hyper-Responsibility or Responsibility OCD: I would likely receive that label from a psychologist or psychiatrist. Though the labels and criteria for diagnosing what was once just referred to as "neurosis" when I first studied psychology back in the 80's and 90's have changed dramatically (the world of diagnostic labelling has gone from the DSM II and the DSM III, which I studied under, to the DSM V...I still refer to CBT as REBT...that is how old school I am lol), my mind and personality suffer from a great deal of hyper-responsibility. I even say in the essay how I am "neurotic" with an "over exaggerated sense of responsibility". This commentor, then, did not point out anything I did not know, except for the new name. It put what human frailty I was willing to admit to into a neat diagnostic container. My mind didn't like that. I got triggered.
Why did it trigger "me"?
Me is still very egoic. It wants to create an image that will act as a shield between what others see and what I hide. I do so much want to be honest here with everyone and especially with this self. I do...but this comment made me see how part of me is still hiding behind an ego defense, a protective layer of personality. I want others to see that not yet completely realized persona of "teacher", "healer", "evolved human who can get beyond the psyche", when they read or listen, not that which is hiding, albeit very sloppily behind this flimsy facade. (I am not putting a lot of effort into hiding the samskara ridden personality away, but I am subconsciously putting some.) I want to share what's "wrong with me" (that is what my book is about- "Getting Beyond the Brokenness of 'Me' ") but, I do not want the broken bits to stand out over the "realized" bits I share here.
I am supposed to be writing about Truth. There is only One Satya or Truth. Truth is realized as a felt experience not as an ideal. We can dualize truth, however, on our way to realizing it. The truth is I am healing; I am evolving; I am on my way. The truth is, I still have many, many layers to go through to get there. There are still a lot of samskaras getting poked and jostled around in here. I am not yet there.
Though I want to get beyond my psyche and its "hyper-responsibility", its neurotic nature, truth is I am not beyond it yet. Healing, transcending, waking up is a process. We can't skip over the steps. If I can feel a trigger with such an innocent comment...I am definitely not there yet. I've tried to skip over a step and am now being called to go back and look at this samskara that affects how I respond to the suffering of others. It is both a wholesome tendency (when it is a truly compassionate heart guiding me) which I have realized to some degree, and it is an unwholesome tendency (when that neurotic psyche, that responsibility OCD is calling the shots) which it still is in many cases.
So very much to learn.
Thanks to the person who commented-you know who you are. Your kindness has helped me on this journey more than you probably ever expected it would. Namaste!
All is well
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