I Asked for This?

 

Struggle is the fire that burns away the masks we wear, leaving only the unvarnished truth of who we are.

James Baldwin.

My world seemed to crumble around me recently.  Less than two months ago, I became homeless (sorry-"unhoused") with little to no money or possessions to take with me. I found myself outside a 12 year relationship and a comfortable little home I helped to create, moving from one bed or couch to the next.  It got really dark very quickly. For a while, I could not see the light up ahead. 

It has been an "Earth shattering" experience for this human, let me tell ya.  Mind and body have been, and still are to some extent, feeling the panic, the grief, and the shame of this major life change.  It was like unexpectedly falling through a crack made by an earth quake that is still rumbling. This human is being cut open, banged up, scratched and clawed as she continues to fall down to some unforseeable bottom, not sure where or if she will ever land. More than once I heard myself calling out in the voice of a helpless victim as I was falling, "Why are you doing this to me Life?"

 I have been very caught up in this life drama. So, much so I didn't hear Life answering me back, "You asked for this, crazy lady. Simply obliging your request." .

Huh? Why would anyone ask for this?

I hear now.  I remember now. It is true. I literally asked for this. I mean literally. Months ago , I began to ask, pray, shout out to the air, "Please help me to remove what is left of this "me" so I can finally heal and experience the Higher Self? Help me to awaken faster." 

 I more or less pleaded with the Powers that Be to have the remaints of this "me" pulled off and cleaned away so Who I Really Am can shine through. I was well on my way to healing and Self-realization,  but impatient,  I asked, out loud, that the process be accelerated.

There is a saying "Be careful about what you ask for." lol

My request was heard and answered. Life so kindly obliged. The few things of "me-ness" I had left to hang on to: the identification as "fiance or human in a significant relationship", as "human with a home to call her own", "human with at least some financial stability",  and "human with a socially approved purpose"...(identities  society endorses and expects from all the "mes"  that make it up)... were stripped away like layers of skin. Ouch!. I was so consumed by the sudden burst of pain that I could not see the deeper meaning behind it. I could not remember that I had asked for this.

I didn't asked to have layers of skin so painfully ripped off, did I?  Yeah, I did. 

 I knew what waking up entailed -a dismantling of "me"to get to what was beneath it. I knew I had to have what was left of this false sense of self removed in order to expand.  I suspected it would be painful  but wow! Life was probably doing me a solid by pulling it all off in one clean shot, like pulling a bandaid off.... But the aftershock of finding myself so empty handed, so vulnerable, so displaced and untethered! That was gruesome for this human. For a while, I could not see beyond the human drama enough to accept and allow this experience to be what it was. I resisted and struggled against it

That is, until I remembered. "OMG! I did ask for this!"

Just knowing that I asked empowers me so much, and helps to remove so much of this victim from my perspective.  I see the deeper meaning now from this experience.  I see the potential.  I can see the light.

Oh the earth is still rumbling beneath my feet and I suspect it will for a while...but I know something greater is happening here than a little human drama. Something greater is happening here.  There is light up ahead and I am falling into It.

All is well.