The worse enemy lays between the ears.
Eckhart Tolle
Fear
I am sitting here...avoiding something I am afraid to do. Sigh! I have to make a simple phonecall ...just a simple inquiry about a test I was supposed to have had done, as I was told, in August. I just have to pick up the phone, ask a question, accept an answer, hang up and then do whatever I am called to do next. Simple, right? Yet I am avoiding it.
The Irrational Nature of Fear
I know my avoidance is irrational and silly.
How long? How long would that simple action take from my life span? Thirty seconds? Maybe a minute or two?
How dangerous is it? Is it life threatening? No...not in the moment, at least. No fangs are going to come through the phone to tear me to shreds. I might have a heart attack if I discover that the test has been booked next week, but I won't die. This one simple action is not going to kill me.
Yet I am in full stress response. It is as if I am standing in the middle of a pride of hungry lions in the middle of the Serengeti plain. As I stand there, all the animals around me seem oblivious to my plight (or are simply thankful that I am on the menu for today,instead of them). They are just munching away on their grass while I, trembling like I am having a grand mal seizure, can barely look at the phone (the lions), let alone pick it up. What is up with that?
The Wait is Over
It is October first, the day I gave myself to take up the external fight for my well being again. Worse, I have to start thinking about it again...and that is the real problem.
I had tried my best, and quite successfully, to put this out of my mind when I was told I would have to wait for six months for the next step. Something told me that it would do no good to push, to keep reminding myself and others that "there is something there", that "I wake up every night with this feeling (what I guess could be called pain).", that "It keeps changing." that "I am high risk.", that "I was suppose to have these tests done anyway", that "there were significant changes on the tests.", "If it is what my sister had, it is going to be too late...it has been almost a year since I first noticed the changes.", that "It could be related to the pelvic pain I have been getting?" and that "I don't think it is just ductal ectasia anymore. I am scared."
Succumbing to Resistance
No...that would not be heard. And for a host of other reasons, I do not feel equipped to fight against resistance.
The resistance I felt from one individual was almost palpable. I heard the explanations, more than once, about how expensive these tests were and how it wasn't reasonable to assume that they get performed on every woman with a "bit of dense tissue". Title and power and resources seemed to need protect ion, more so that my menatl or physical wellness.
COVID came..and that meant further delays beyond everyone's control.
And I know there are many others who are waiting too; who are worried and afraid, maybe many with more reason to be concerned than I have.
So, I just knew in March, when the six month wait was offered like it was a gift to me I would have no choice but to wait, even if the waiting could prove detrimental to my wellness. So I sucked it up. I did whatever I could not to think about it for six months, then seven. I told myself I would not palpate (becauseI knew I would find something else and it still wouldn't change the waiting situation); I would not call, I would not mention it to another living soul ( well I guess it came out here) until the wait was over. The wait is long past over and I still haven't heard.
I had a feeling I wasn't going to hear back in six months. Even when it turned into seven months, I wasn't surprised but I did hope that something would happen so I would not have to pick up the gauntlet again and fight against the obstacles that kept coming up. I have had to do that so much in the past for other things. I am just tired, you know? It takes so much out of me and it scares the %^&* out of me.
Fear and Mind: The Real Enemy
The thing is, I just don't have to push against a reluctant system, the COVID pandemic, uncontrollable circumstances... I have to push against the memory of past experiences, the shaming, the denial of my reality, what it cost me in terms of wellness, finances, livelihood, career, and title that I so want to forget about.. Even when I know these things were never really important, never really me and that they led me to what was important, I still feel the fear when I have to confront another health issue again. These memories overwhelmn me.
When I remove "story" from this expereince and look at this need to make this phone call without drama or thought, as I did in my meditation, I still notice a big knot of fear between me and peace. I still have an intense , almost compulsive desire to avoid. I guess there is some other deep sinister memory, or nasty forboding thought lurking in the background of my psyche leading to this irrational and silly response .
Victim of Unconscious Mind
So what came to me today in the form of a video? Eckhart Tolle's, The Fisrts step in Conscious Manifetsation. In this video he talked about the fear that arises from being a victim of an unconscious mind, when we believe eveything our minds are telling us. My fear is not about having to make a phone call...it is about what my mind is doing with the 'what if" of the phonecall. Who will I piss off by being pushy? Will that lead to more resistance? Shaming..if it turns out it truly is nothing toworry about? What if it leads me to discover that it is something? Am I ready for that? All just thought! Thought that pulls me in and shackles me to fear.
How do I stop this?
Presence Provides the Safety
The first thing I need to do is breathe, be here and now, tap into my deeper essence, presence. Then I can look at my conscious thoughts and those unconscious ones lurking in the background (when and if they arise in conscious mind), as just that ...thought. Not me....not Life in this moment...thought!
When I can do that I am Home, I am aware and I am safe. Whatever happens from this place of awareness, won't be so bad.
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle ( 2020) The First Step of Conscious Manifestation. https://consciousmanifestation.eckharttolle.com/the_first_step_of_conscious_manifestation39077931
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