Before Monday

 So all suffering is due to the false notion 'I am the body'. Getting rid of this is knowledge.

Ramana Maharshi, The Teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi, Chapter One

I just had a coffee date with my sisters, an old neighborhood friend and her mother.  It was lovely and I am grateful.  I am so appreciative of how life is providing such wonderful opportunities for me to connect with old friends.  In the last 5 weeks I have had that wonderful opportunity to meet with my best friend from high school, who now co-grandparents my grand daughter ; had coffee with another very good friend whom I have seen twice in the last 15 years; had a dinner date with 12 girls from my graduating  class; lunch with two old friends and today I met with old friends and neighbors.  I feel so blessed.  I really do.  It seems so timely. 

Before Monday

I don't know why...in my mind and in my mind only...I have this sense that I have to tie up loose ends, you know? I kind of have to reflect on my past and see the beauty in it and make peace with what wasn't so beautiful in dualistic terms. So it was nice that Life so kindly provided me the opportunity to reconnect to people from my past in the abundant way it did in this short time span...before Monday. It reminded me that there was so much sweetness to my life. 

I have also been working hard to complete things, help others in need, "sort out" the broken, make ammends etc before Monday.  For example, I had until December to finish my yoga recertification but had this urge, that I followed up on, to complete it before Monday.  I wanted and enjoyed spending as much time as I could with my granddaughter before Monday. Had to get the books I thought would be most helpful out there...before Monday. There are a couple of other things I need to do before Monday. 

Is My Life Going to Change?

You see, Monday  seems to mark one of those days where my life might  change dramtically.  Now, I know I thought that  before lol...many times.  Most recently I felt that way when I realized the mass wasn't "just ductal ectasia' like I was convincing myself it was.  I had this feeling before each test that I assumed would lead to someone telling me what it is.and thought, "Okay my Life is going to change when this happens."   That didn't work out so well...no one, almost a year later, has told me what it is...for reasons that seem to have  little to do with me or my case. 

And now it is so obviously "something." I have been having quite a bit of pain over the last week. What it is , I don't know. And the way things have been for me...I may not find out on Monday or  for two dozen Mondays after that.  Still I have this little almost instinctual need in me to prepare, tie up loose ends, get my loved ones 'sorted out' and to get myself centered with peaceful realization so I can accept what ever it is....before Monday. I tell myself it is silly...but yet the impulse pulls me along anyway. 

I am not afraid, really...I mean other than the silly  fear, accessing the health  care system, always leaves me with; the fear of egos getting in the way again just making it more complicated than it has to be. I am not dwelling "on what it could be." I am still very much living in my now.  I mean sometimes the old mind takes me places , especially with the pain...and  I can definitely call it pain now. ...but I just bring myself back to life in the here and  now. I am so grateful for what I have in my life right now. I find so much peace in it!

I don't talk to anyone about it.  Only a couple of people (besides all of you...lol) know of my situation.  When I stopped thinking about it upon getting the six month + wait...I stopped talking about it. (Not that I talked about it alot prior to that)  Best thing I could have done!  So now...besides you the reader... only one or two people know that I am actually going for another test. I only told them for logistic reasons to explain why I wouldn't be in a certain place etc. 

What is the point of this ramble? 

So I don't talk about this 'something'. I don't  dwell on it or worry about it. I am good where I am...right here, right now. Still...I find myself preparing for a possible life change come Monday.

Maybe we all should live like we don't know how much time we have left...no matter if we have something pending on Monday or not. Maybe we should just take each precious moment there is and fill it to the brim with friends, the making of ammends, time with loved ones, time doing what it is we love to do that benfits others.

Sigh! 

Whatever happens on Monday will happen.  Whatever this is will be. I can leave that stuff up to God and simply settle into my life right here and right now.

All is well.