Gratitude

 True gratitude comes from knowing you belong in the infinite dance of life.

Deepak Chopra 

I am sooo grateful right now...in this moment, right here, right now.  I am grateful because I have a warm happy buzz...or I could have a warm happy buzz because I am grateful...the interbeing between feeling good and gratitude at play. 

Why I am grateful?

The Weather

It is a beautiful, amazing day.  The sun is brilliant and the trees are ablaze with colour and light!Just seeing the beauty of an October afternoon here in my part of the world is enough to make anyone feel grateful.

The Meditation

I had the most amazing meditative experience this morning.  I sat down in my studio, in a chair, rather than on a cushion...had the incense burning, the soft zen music playing in the background and I closed my eyes and asked the force within, which is much greater than "little me" and "little me's idea of problems" to help me out a bit.  I knew I needed some healing...some release of the emotions I had brewing inside me.  I had no expectations, I just sat with what was...focused on breath and the experience of the "inner body" and it happened.  

At first, it felt like I was going to cough up a fur ball.  My stomach actually hurt and the contractions on the exhale seemed to intensify without any conscious control on my part. Sounds..like the kind one makes when they are about to wail... started coming from my mouth...I didn't resist(but I did open my eyes to make sure no one was looking)...I just told myself I would allow it...whatever it was going to be, to happen.  

I wanted to "think" and internally comment on what was happening to me. I gently pushed all thought, narrative or story that ego wanted to add to the feelings away. I just stayed with what was. I stayed with what I was feeling, what I was experiencing in my body and I breathed.  

The fur ball didn't come up even after what seemed like several long minutes but eventually the tears started coming.  One by one, a slow trickle at first. I just felt each one as it made its way down my cheek and then it got more intense, more heavy and determined.  What was happening in my core was becoming  the liquid release from my eyes.    I wanted to add commentary, story, reasons and thought...but I kept pulling myself back to breathing and experiencing. I kept pulling myself back for about forty minutes.  I felt so cleansed, so rejuvenated when I was done. So so grateful.

A Step Forward: Opening up and Accepting a Fear

One of the triggers for my ego which reminded me of my need to meditate in a healing way was a simple assumption that I would take my step son to the drug store to get his Methadone.  Such a simple task which would not be any sweat off my back if it didn't involve driving.  

You see...I have this fear of driving that comes and goes.  I would like to say it is there because of an accident I had in my twenties but it was there long before that, generated by a deeply ingrained belief that I, because of some comparable defectiveness,  will hurt someone. (long story) I will therefore  avoid driving if I can and when asked to take others places or if it is assumed I will take someone places, ego jumps in and takes over.  The fear, as well as an anger and resentment, will often suddenly abrupt. There are times this reaction will suddenly appear, seemingly out of nowhere, overwhelmning me.  Such as the case this morning. 

Normally, I would do whatever I could to resist, supress or diminish the feeling.  I would try to find away out of the situation...avoid!  I would find and express reasons why I can't do what was asked of me and express why it was "wrong" that it  was asked or assumed. I would try to make it an anger/blame  thing which makes me puff up with the illusion of strength  rather than a fear thing which makes me more vulnerable, open and weak. 

Today...I didn't do what I normally would do. I didn't resist it and give in to my usual way of dealing with this.  I took a deep breath and I watched the emotion; I watched my internal reaction to it as it resurfaced.  I watched what I was saying to myself, what I wanted to say to others.  I watched how my body was feeling and I connected it all to this belief I have been, for a while, been in the process of removing from its hiding place and laying on the table. I knew a thought was causing my reaction...I knew this very same thought has caused a lot of so called challenges and problems in the past.  It limited me so much and so unecessarily over the deacdes of my life. I reminded myself it was just a thought and there was no substance to it.  

Then ...with this realization...I went down into my yoga studio and I asked for help. Help came. I opened up and released some very stuck emotions and beliefs. 

When I was done, I serenly walked up the stairs, got dressed and drove him over.  I was open on the way over and expressed that I have an irrational fear when it comes to driving but that I am working on overcoming it. I opened up my vulnerable side.I was honest, first of all to myself, and then to others. I felt like I didn't have to hide this fear anymore or live in shame because of it. I didn't have to beat myself up or push myself to "fight" this fear.  I explained why I wouldn't park in certain spots.  He was great with it and didn't seem  too upset that I made him walk across the park to go to the bank after he was done. I drove home serenly and calmly and I somehow felt very much at peace. 

Meeting With old Friends

Then, with this newfound acceptance of myself where I was right now in my healing,  I  had a lovely lunch with old friends. It was so nice. I felt so peaceful, happy and appreciative as I sat there ..grateful for them, the lunch, the day...everything. I was able to be so "present".

Simply Because I am

 I realize now it was not the so called circumstances but the being open  to Self and to life... that flooded me with this peaceful feeling. I felt and feel grateful because I am alive. 

So it could have been a rainy grey day near the end of November when the trees are bare and sad looking, instead of a glorious day ablaze with colour.  It could have been a meditation practice where I couldn't get out of my head and where people kept coming in to interupt me, instead of the lovely practice it was. There could have been a fender bender on the way over to the drug store or I could have met some external shaming because of my expression of fear instead of the serene and uncomplicated , accepting drive it was. It could have been an encounter with a very rude obnoxious person instead of the lovely meeting with two beautiful people . I still could have had a day to be grateful for! 

What made this day "good"...if we dare get dualistic and use the good/bad adjectives and judgements...is that I was open and accepting of "what is" and  of who "I am" right here, right now.  I am grateful becasue of this and I am this because I am grateful. 

Please ..if you get anything from this long winded tale...learn to "not close" on what is and  on who you are right here, right now in this moment of your journey. 

Use the mantra, maybe, "I am grateful because I simply am." 

All is well!