If light is in your heart, you will find your way home.
Rumi
Didn't sleep so well last night. Think the ticker might be acting up a bit from the flu I had a few days ago. Chest pain and cold sweats on exertion... things are a little harder to do than normal...like a walk or the stairs or just about anything. :) But I feel much better than I did on Monday. :) And...since I wrote that little blurb about the fear I was stuffing related to the pelvic pain etc...I have had little to no pain or bleeding. :) I am thinking it is all over...whatever it was!!! All I had to do is let go of the emotions associated with it. :) There!
Anyone...it feels like spring out there. The sun is shining brightly...and the light...or that amazing light that warms a winter sedated soul and gives hope to all in regards to what will soon be here...more beautiful and precious light. I love the light. I am drawn to it like a plant on a window sill. :) All good!
All is well in my world.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Tuning in to the Opposite Channel
So you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the unwanted circumstances in your life again? Negative experiences are constantly jumping in front of you, knocking you down and sometimes laying on top of you like the rotting carcass of all you once were. The sky is grey. You are stepping in puddles up to your thighs because there seems to be no way around them. People around you are demanding and uncaring as you trudge along with the heavy load upon your shoulders and the even heavier load within your heart? You are feeling sick, feeling miserable and unsure of how long you can keep going like this? You think you deserve a break from life, some good fortune after all you have been through...but Nooooo life has different plans for you...it just throws more of the same old negativity in front of you for you to climb over again and again...more bills you can't pay; more illness; more troubles in the family, work issues, money issues, the cat gets sick; the babysitter calls and says she can't make it; the car won't start and you stupidly leave your fingers in the door when you slam in shut. Is this your scenario? I think it is something all humans experience from time to time...what is referred to as "suffering".
When we "suffer" it seems that we get ourselves caught up in a never ending cycle of more suffering. One unwanted thing appears in our life after the other. The rain doesn't want to let up. Suffering perpetuates more suffering. Why is that?
To understand this phenomenon better we must first recognize a few things:
So how do we walk away from the lives we are watching on the negativity channel to the lives we really want? No...I am not going to tell you to say yes to your teen whenever they ask for something . (No's are good things for all of us to hear every now again). Nor am I going to tell you to say no to the less than positive things in your life right now but I am going to suggest that you do not have to wiggle and squirm as the peptic ulcer grows in your gut because of them either.
This is what you can do to make it better:
Step one: Accept what is. Look about you and see what is going on. Do not deny or resist the parts of your life you are not happy with. Instead accept what is, as it is. If there is money trouble : say to self I accept that the money situation is not what I want right now. The key components in that affirmation are I accept and right now. I accept that my health is not to the point that I want it right now. I accept that my job does not fulfill me right now. I accept that my fingers are broken from slamming them in the door right now :) I accept that my life is not exactly the way I think it should be right now.
Become completely aware of the things that are happening in your life that you do not want. Know that you do not want them. Writing them down on a piece of paper in list form might help. This is the first and most important step. To recognize and accept the things you do not want in your life...the things that are making you squirm, angry, sad, anxious will you lead you away from them eventually. At first it may be overwhelming as more and more of these things show up to get added to your list.... all because you are putting your attention in that area.... but it will pass....especially if you realize that these circumstances are temporary. That is why we use "right now". Once you recognize what you don't want you can advance to the next crucial steps.
Step Two: Do not stay focused on the things you don't want. Do not give them any more attention and emotional power than you already have. The Law of attraction purports that what you put your attention on is what you will attract in to your life. If you focus on negative things, you will bring negative things into your physical world. Even if you do not subscribe to this belief system...thinking about these things is diminishing your precious life and making you miserable. Why feel miserable when you do not have to? Recognize them accept them, write them down but that's it. Keep the list but let them go emotionally. Recognizing and accepting the negative things in your life does not mean being consumed by them. Your intention is to go beyond them.
Step Three: Change the channel. Switch your focus to the opposites of those things on your list. Many times we do not know what we want in our lives especially if we have been feeling negative for a while. We know what makes us feel like crap but we really can't remember what things make us feel good. We may have stuffed our dreams under the weights of the burdens we perceive we are carrying. Yet we can recognize when something makes us feel less than happy right? It is sometimes easier to know what we don't want than it is what we want. Say, you sit down one Saturday night and you are bored enough to watch TV. You are not sure what you are in the mood for so you randomly surf through the channels. You can click through those channels pretty fast because you immediately recognize what you don't want...what doesn't "feel right" at that moment even though you may not know what it is you are looking for. Think of the things on your list as channels you no longer want to watch. If it doesn't make you feel good.. switch the channel.
Yeah but to what channel? Focus on the opposite of the don't wants. That is what we can use those "don't wants" for. They can be guides to what we want. If I know I don't want to be broke that can take me to the opposite of being broke, I want four digit numbers in my account; I want to be able to pay my bills; I want to be able to sleep at night without worrying about how I am going to pay the mortgage. If I am feeling lonely and tired of being alone that can take me to, I want to build healthy, happy relationships with others etc. Focus...put all your mental energy onto imagining what you want. What you want is often the opposite of what you don't want. Tune in to the opposite channel and stay there!
Step Four: Give yourself permission to want it. A few hard punches from life ...the kind that knock a fighter down can sometimes leave us a little punch drunk. We may settle into our roles as the loser rather than the contender and find a certain peace on the floor of the ring. We may stop wanting more, expecting more. We may stop dreaming of more. We need to remind ourselves that it is okay to want...We have a right to expect more from life as we pull our selves up. We need to get back up into the wanting game. There is no guarantee we will not get knocked down again but we will never have more than bruises if we stop wanting.
Step Five: Once you know what you want.... Feel it. Feel it, breathe it, live it like it is already something you have. This is the most crucial step. Living is all about feeling. Life is all it is meant to be when we feel love, joy, bliss, peace and hope. It is not about the things we mistakenly assume make us happy. It is simply about being happy. Yet if you feel happy when you think about something you want...than think about something you want. Imagine what it will feel like to have it and live like you do. It is almost given that that thing, that event, that circumstance, or that person you are focusing on will materialize in your life when you do this. But even if it doesn't...if you are happy...you are on the right channel. This is the life you really want, isn't it? You can put the remote down.
All is well in my world.
So you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the unwanted circumstances in your life again? Negative experiences are constantly jumping in front of you, knocking you down and sometimes laying on top of you like the rotting carcass of all you once were. The sky is grey. You are stepping in puddles up to your thighs because there seems to be no way around them. People around you are demanding and uncaring as you trudge along with the heavy load upon your shoulders and the even heavier load within your heart? You are feeling sick, feeling miserable and unsure of how long you can keep going like this? You think you deserve a break from life, some good fortune after all you have been through...but Nooooo life has different plans for you...it just throws more of the same old negativity in front of you for you to climb over again and again...more bills you can't pay; more illness; more troubles in the family, work issues, money issues, the cat gets sick; the babysitter calls and says she can't make it; the car won't start and you stupidly leave your fingers in the door when you slam in shut. Is this your scenario? I think it is something all humans experience from time to time...what is referred to as "suffering".
When we "suffer" it seems that we get ourselves caught up in a never ending cycle of more suffering. One unwanted thing appears in our life after the other. The rain doesn't want to let up. Suffering perpetuates more suffering. Why is that?
To understand this phenomenon better we must first recognize a few things:
- Suffering is a perception... a way of seeing that exists only in the mind because of our attachment to an idea of how things "should" be. If things are not going the way we think they should...then life is wrong, hard, bad, difficult. We cannot accept it for the way it is. Suffering is caused by mental resistance to what is.
- What we resist persists. It is a given fact...the more you say no to something, the more it keeps demanding a yes. Try this experiment, the next time your teen asks for the car. Say No. Watch what happens. Unless your teen is abnormally compliant...she or he will ask again and again and again, drowning out the news casters voice that you are trying to focus on from your flat screen TV while you squirm in your chair and the steam builds up inside of you, possibly creating a crater of a hole in your stomach lining. You turn the volume up but their pleas just become louder and louder. They will keep demanding that you give them what they want until you can't concentrate on anything else but their "Please! Please! Pretty Please!" and the awful way it is making you feel. What we resist persists. What we focus on becomes our reality getting louder and more consuming drowning out the rest.
- When we focus on negative things, negative things are all we see. When we focus on the things we do not want in our lives we end up with a life of unwanted things. In order to make sense of our world, our selective attention narrows to match our preconceived perceptions. If I am tuned in to the "negative channel" because of a couple of less than pleasant experiences, negativity is what my mind will pick up from my environment. If I am focused on the things I do not want in my life...guess what happens? More unwanted things will show up. Not because I am being punished or because "life sucks" but because I am watching the wrong channel. I don't have to stay on this channel! I can press the button on the remote at any time.
- Feelings are energy . As a powerful energy force, they can make our lives great or they can make our lives suck. How we feel will determine what kind of life we have.
So how do we walk away from the lives we are watching on the negativity channel to the lives we really want? No...I am not going to tell you to say yes to your teen whenever they ask for something . (No's are good things for all of us to hear every now again). Nor am I going to tell you to say no to the less than positive things in your life right now but I am going to suggest that you do not have to wiggle and squirm as the peptic ulcer grows in your gut because of them either.
This is what you can do to make it better:
Step one: Accept what is. Look about you and see what is going on. Do not deny or resist the parts of your life you are not happy with. Instead accept what is, as it is. If there is money trouble : say to self I accept that the money situation is not what I want right now. The key components in that affirmation are I accept and right now. I accept that my health is not to the point that I want it right now. I accept that my job does not fulfill me right now. I accept that my fingers are broken from slamming them in the door right now :) I accept that my life is not exactly the way I think it should be right now.
Become completely aware of the things that are happening in your life that you do not want. Know that you do not want them. Writing them down on a piece of paper in list form might help. This is the first and most important step. To recognize and accept the things you do not want in your life...the things that are making you squirm, angry, sad, anxious will you lead you away from them eventually. At first it may be overwhelming as more and more of these things show up to get added to your list.... all because you are putting your attention in that area.... but it will pass....especially if you realize that these circumstances are temporary. That is why we use "right now". Once you recognize what you don't want you can advance to the next crucial steps.
Step Two: Do not stay focused on the things you don't want. Do not give them any more attention and emotional power than you already have. The Law of attraction purports that what you put your attention on is what you will attract in to your life. If you focus on negative things, you will bring negative things into your physical world. Even if you do not subscribe to this belief system...thinking about these things is diminishing your precious life and making you miserable. Why feel miserable when you do not have to? Recognize them accept them, write them down but that's it. Keep the list but let them go emotionally. Recognizing and accepting the negative things in your life does not mean being consumed by them. Your intention is to go beyond them.
Step Three: Change the channel. Switch your focus to the opposites of those things on your list. Many times we do not know what we want in our lives especially if we have been feeling negative for a while. We know what makes us feel like crap but we really can't remember what things make us feel good. We may have stuffed our dreams under the weights of the burdens we perceive we are carrying. Yet we can recognize when something makes us feel less than happy right? It is sometimes easier to know what we don't want than it is what we want. Say, you sit down one Saturday night and you are bored enough to watch TV. You are not sure what you are in the mood for so you randomly surf through the channels. You can click through those channels pretty fast because you immediately recognize what you don't want...what doesn't "feel right" at that moment even though you may not know what it is you are looking for. Think of the things on your list as channels you no longer want to watch. If it doesn't make you feel good.. switch the channel.
Yeah but to what channel? Focus on the opposite of the don't wants. That is what we can use those "don't wants" for. They can be guides to what we want. If I know I don't want to be broke that can take me to the opposite of being broke, I want four digit numbers in my account; I want to be able to pay my bills; I want to be able to sleep at night without worrying about how I am going to pay the mortgage. If I am feeling lonely and tired of being alone that can take me to, I want to build healthy, happy relationships with others etc. Focus...put all your mental energy onto imagining what you want. What you want is often the opposite of what you don't want. Tune in to the opposite channel and stay there!
Step Four: Give yourself permission to want it. A few hard punches from life ...the kind that knock a fighter down can sometimes leave us a little punch drunk. We may settle into our roles as the loser rather than the contender and find a certain peace on the floor of the ring. We may stop wanting more, expecting more. We may stop dreaming of more. We need to remind ourselves that it is okay to want...We have a right to expect more from life as we pull our selves up. We need to get back up into the wanting game. There is no guarantee we will not get knocked down again but we will never have more than bruises if we stop wanting.
Step Five: Once you know what you want.... Feel it. Feel it, breathe it, live it like it is already something you have. This is the most crucial step. Living is all about feeling. Life is all it is meant to be when we feel love, joy, bliss, peace and hope. It is not about the things we mistakenly assume make us happy. It is simply about being happy. Yet if you feel happy when you think about something you want...than think about something you want. Imagine what it will feel like to have it and live like you do. It is almost given that that thing, that event, that circumstance, or that person you are focusing on will materialize in your life when you do this. But even if it doesn't...if you are happy...you are on the right channel. This is the life you really want, isn't it? You can put the remote down.
All is well in my world.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Remembering the Typewriter
In order to move on you need to understand why you felt how you did and why you no longer need to feel it.
Mitch Albom (author of Tuesdays with Morrie)
What I remembered through sickness
I know I am whining and it will stop...I promise...as soon as I realize and accept why I want to whine in the first place. :) Once again, something is coming to the surface...through all this...the physical symptoms as well as the mental/emotional ones...something wants to be heard. Writing about it helps it to come up, like syrup of Ipecac for the soul ( terrible analogy...I know)
I spent the last two days in bed with the flu. The fever left my head spinning and my thinking erratic. It came and went. When it left me I would feign normalcy coming here to write or attempting to do some form of housework. With every attempt to be normal, however, I was left even more exhausted and had to return to the bed or the couch where I would slip once again into crazy dreams. I remember a snippet of one dream well. I saw myself swallowed by my home...the mess and the dog hair and broken things...and then suddenly a typewriter appeared on the end of the counter I was complaining about... A beautiful little red electric typewriter. wow! What do you think that means lol?
The Typewriter
My sister gave me a typewriter for Christmas once...when I was feeling overwhelmed by life after our mother had died and we were forced to play the adults in the family. We had no money...she had no money...but she won 600 dollars out of the blue that year. She gave some to Dad to help with Christmas, and she bought me a beautiful electric typewriter. (To this day I now wonder if she intended it for both of us...she writes too...and I being as totally narcissistic as I was back then...made it all about me...She tells me it was for me and the story works better if I say it is for me...but anyway...I got a typewriter out of it lol).
That typewriter was one of the greatest gifts I had ever received...it was like a blessing from heaven when the world seemed to be raining only chaos. It was a thank you when I felt no one appreciated, let alone knew, what I was trying to do. ( Believe me I whined and complained back then a heck of a lot more than I am doing now...it was hard not to hear me, I suppose?) The gift reminded me there was more than the overwhelming chaos I felt I was living in and responsible for fixing. It was a door that offered me freedom...it opened up into the world of who I really was, not just who I thought I had to be. I still cry when I think of that.
The fever dream was in a sense about the same thing. It is letting me know I am feeling the same way I felt back then. That is probably why I got so sick with this little bug. I am feeling overwhelmed again, feeling myself suffocating under the chaos of our living situation, my health, social responsibility and expectations. Everything seems to be "messed up" and I feel it is my responsibility to fix it...but I don't know how. I am so tired and I don't know how.
The typewriter is a symbol that there is a way out of this...maybe not out of the physical chaos or some of the mental crap...but it tells me there is a way to be who I really am beyond all the responsibility I carry and the guilt I experience for getting sick and not doing enough...for allowing the chaos to build up. ...but a deeper way out. I need to write. Someone somewhere recognizes that I need to write; they recognize what I try to do even though I don't always succeed and they are giving me a gift...showing me a way out. They are telling me to write. Well that is what I like to believe :)
Thanks J. for being so good to me.
All is well in my world!
Mitch Albom (author of Tuesdays with Morrie)
What I remembered through sickness
I know I am whining and it will stop...I promise...as soon as I realize and accept why I want to whine in the first place. :) Once again, something is coming to the surface...through all this...the physical symptoms as well as the mental/emotional ones...something wants to be heard. Writing about it helps it to come up, like syrup of Ipecac for the soul ( terrible analogy...I know)
I spent the last two days in bed with the flu. The fever left my head spinning and my thinking erratic. It came and went. When it left me I would feign normalcy coming here to write or attempting to do some form of housework. With every attempt to be normal, however, I was left even more exhausted and had to return to the bed or the couch where I would slip once again into crazy dreams. I remember a snippet of one dream well. I saw myself swallowed by my home...the mess and the dog hair and broken things...and then suddenly a typewriter appeared on the end of the counter I was complaining about... A beautiful little red electric typewriter. wow! What do you think that means lol?
The Typewriter
My sister gave me a typewriter for Christmas once...when I was feeling overwhelmed by life after our mother had died and we were forced to play the adults in the family. We had no money...she had no money...but she won 600 dollars out of the blue that year. She gave some to Dad to help with Christmas, and she bought me a beautiful electric typewriter. (To this day I now wonder if she intended it for both of us...she writes too...and I being as totally narcissistic as I was back then...made it all about me...She tells me it was for me and the story works better if I say it is for me...but anyway...I got a typewriter out of it lol).
That typewriter was one of the greatest gifts I had ever received...it was like a blessing from heaven when the world seemed to be raining only chaos. It was a thank you when I felt no one appreciated, let alone knew, what I was trying to do. ( Believe me I whined and complained back then a heck of a lot more than I am doing now...it was hard not to hear me, I suppose?) The gift reminded me there was more than the overwhelming chaos I felt I was living in and responsible for fixing. It was a door that offered me freedom...it opened up into the world of who I really was, not just who I thought I had to be. I still cry when I think of that.
The fever dream was in a sense about the same thing. It is letting me know I am feeling the same way I felt back then. That is probably why I got so sick with this little bug. I am feeling overwhelmed again, feeling myself suffocating under the chaos of our living situation, my health, social responsibility and expectations. Everything seems to be "messed up" and I feel it is my responsibility to fix it...but I don't know how. I am so tired and I don't know how.
The typewriter is a symbol that there is a way out of this...maybe not out of the physical chaos or some of the mental crap...but it tells me there is a way to be who I really am beyond all the responsibility I carry and the guilt I experience for getting sick and not doing enough...for allowing the chaos to build up. ...but a deeper way out. I need to write. Someone somewhere recognizes that I need to write; they recognize what I try to do even though I don't always succeed and they are giving me a gift...showing me a way out. They are telling me to write. Well that is what I like to believe :)
Thanks J. for being so good to me.
All is well in my world!
Monday, February 20, 2017
Chronic Illness?
Most people live in fear of some terrible event changing their lives, the death of a loved one or a serious illness. For the chronically ill, this terrible event has already happened, and we have been let in on an amazing secret: You survive. You adapt, and your life changes, but in the end you go on, with whatever compromises you have been forced to make, whatever losses you have been forced to endure. You learn to balance your fears with the simple truth that you must go on living.
― Jamie Weisman, As I Live and Breathe: Notes of a Patient-Doctor
Chronic Illness or no Chronic Illness?
Even though some would debate the legitimacy of my "chronic illness" status and I myself, still have a hard time accepting that limiting role...the above quote hits home. I read it and I felt I had to put it down here. In the last few years I have lost many to the same "chronic illness" I supposedly do not have even though I was the first to present with symptoms...the same symptoms the others who have been diagnosed (and are still living) have now.
I made a connecting link, a long time ago. with my family history...a legitimate one, an intelligent one...but I got shut down again and again and again. I was already labeled as test seeker...crazy...a liar... so any possibilities I had to share for ruling out purposes were heard only as the ravings of a hypochondriac. More people died or nearly died. In order to save the rest of my family, I felt I had to step back with my own presentation of illness. I couldn't be the spokesperson. They wouldn't be taken seriously if I was. I had to tell those who could help them that I was "fine" when I wasn't.
The loss of those I love and my own helplessness in helping them has caused me great suffering over the years....so great I suppress it as I attempt to suppress this entire situation. I am obviously not so successful at keeping it down below the surface. There is so much suffering perceived because of this...all it takes is a quote I happen upon to bring it all out to the surface.
The Experience of suffering
My subjective experience of dealing with physical symptoms has also been one of "suffering." I don't feel well and my life has become so limited because I do not feel well. What I and other people may describe as "terrible events to be feared" have happened in my life and they continue to happen. At the same time I experience this I am forced to deal with medical judgement and assumption that gets in the way of proper diagnosing as well as great financial and social loss.
It could be said then that some terrible events occurred changing my life forever and I am not being validated for it. I cannot speak about it without a fear of shaming. I go without the support and validation many take for granted. This impacts my subjective experience of being ill...keeping me in the lower end of the continuum. I feel sick but I do not have a right to express it, let alone get help for it. It is like I am not allowed to be sick but I am not allowed to get better. So I am stuck!
But I Survive!
But I survive! Everyday I pick myself up and I keep going. I focus on what I can do and I do that. I focus on the people who know the legitimacy of my condition and I seek help from them. I talk to them. I ignore the rest. I adapt! I go on with whatever compromises I have been forced to make and whatever losses I have been forced to endure. I know the simple truth.... that I must go on living. So I do.
I am grateful for the lesson. All is well!
But the fact is that I wouldn't have won even a single Tour de France without the lesson of illness. What it teaches is this: pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.
Lance Armstrong
Sunday, February 19, 2017
The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind.
Maya Angelou
I think I hear the engines starting in my own mind. Everybody get out of the way!!!
I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today was the last day of my life would I want to do what I am bout to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "no" for too many days in a row I know I have to change something.
Steve Jobs
Maya Angelou
I think I hear the engines starting in my own mind. Everybody get out of the way!!!
I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today was the last day of my life would I want to do what I am bout to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "no" for too many days in a row I know I have to change something.
Steve Jobs
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Missing Manuscript
Missing Manuscript
I usually give two people a copy of each manuscript I write for the sake of completing my own personal cycle of writing...which starts with the first word written and ends with the last word read. The submitting for publication is another process all together and has little to do with the creative agenda.
I gave only the first half of Broken to two individuals to read. One individual read and returned her copy fairly quickly, not particularly liking the story or writing. (Of course...she was very diplomatic and kind in her review).
Another individual confessed yesterday that she left the manuscript on a flight to the Dominican in December. She felt terrible about it and has spent the last two months getting airlines to search for it. Apparently it has been picked up and not returned. I am okay with that. Of course, as she expressed, someone might try to publish it themselves.
Yes they could but I have all the proof that it is mine...if I ever discover, by chance, that that was done. Besides, it is only the first half and from my first unsolicited review, as well the unsuccessful attempts to get a bite from agents and publishers for it, not that promising.
The second reader, however, assures me that it was very well written and she fell in love with the main character. She tells me she was truly enjoying the book before she put it down in the slot behind the seat to rest on the long flight. It was there that it staid on their rushed departure from the plane.
Hmmm! Guilt can make people say compensating things. lol. I am not sure if she truly liked it...she did seem genuine...but I know she felt terrible about the possibility of someone stealing my work. She stressed that it was good enough to publish.
I really do not waste energy worrying about that happening but I do worry that on each page of the MSS I have my private contact information. Whoever has it, more or less, has me??? Anyway...I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as coincidence...just serendipity. That little piece of me was left behind a seat for someone, other than my two selected readers, to read for a reason. I would like to think...it had something in it that they needed. Whatever happens beyond that, happens, I suppose. :)
All is well in my world!
I usually give two people a copy of each manuscript I write for the sake of completing my own personal cycle of writing...which starts with the first word written and ends with the last word read. The submitting for publication is another process all together and has little to do with the creative agenda.
I gave only the first half of Broken to two individuals to read. One individual read and returned her copy fairly quickly, not particularly liking the story or writing. (Of course...she was very diplomatic and kind in her review).
Another individual confessed yesterday that she left the manuscript on a flight to the Dominican in December. She felt terrible about it and has spent the last two months getting airlines to search for it. Apparently it has been picked up and not returned. I am okay with that. Of course, as she expressed, someone might try to publish it themselves.
Yes they could but I have all the proof that it is mine...if I ever discover, by chance, that that was done. Besides, it is only the first half and from my first unsolicited review, as well the unsuccessful attempts to get a bite from agents and publishers for it, not that promising.
The second reader, however, assures me that it was very well written and she fell in love with the main character. She tells me she was truly enjoying the book before she put it down in the slot behind the seat to rest on the long flight. It was there that it staid on their rushed departure from the plane.
Hmmm! Guilt can make people say compensating things. lol. I am not sure if she truly liked it...she did seem genuine...but I know she felt terrible about the possibility of someone stealing my work. She stressed that it was good enough to publish.
I really do not waste energy worrying about that happening but I do worry that on each page of the MSS I have my private contact information. Whoever has it, more or less, has me??? Anyway...I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as coincidence...just serendipity. That little piece of me was left behind a seat for someone, other than my two selected readers, to read for a reason. I would like to think...it had something in it that they needed. Whatever happens beyond that, happens, I suppose. :)
All is well in my world!
Friday, February 17, 2017
A Ship in harbour is safe-but that is not what ships are built for.
John A Shedd
To stay safe or sail....
I realized something yesterday. I,in my fatigue(both the physical and mental kind) have tied myself to the harbour. I have been trying to tie my children there with me. My main priority in life has become about keeping everyone "safe".
I do not push myself to do anything. I found the comfort zone of my physicality where I have the least symptoms and I stay there. I find the comfort zone of thought and I try to stay there.
I expect others to dock beside me simply because it is easier on me...allows me to stay docked I do not challenge myself at all...have become reclusive and withdrawn...bored. I do not want others to challenge my safe zone with their need to get out and beyond...to complicate my thinking with worry and demand.
What an awful thing to expect of others...what an awful thing to expect of myself. We were not meant to play it safe...to hide...to numb. We were meant to sail, full mast, into the oceans of our lives. I need to let others sail regardless of the challenges and the risks. I need to sail as well. I would rather live life fully for a short time than live life safely and limited for a long time.
All is well in my world.
John A Shedd
To stay safe or sail....
I realized something yesterday. I,in my fatigue(both the physical and mental kind) have tied myself to the harbour. I have been trying to tie my children there with me. My main priority in life has become about keeping everyone "safe".
I do not push myself to do anything. I found the comfort zone of my physicality where I have the least symptoms and I stay there. I find the comfort zone of thought and I try to stay there.
I expect others to dock beside me simply because it is easier on me...allows me to stay docked I do not challenge myself at all...have become reclusive and withdrawn...bored. I do not want others to challenge my safe zone with their need to get out and beyond...to complicate my thinking with worry and demand.
What an awful thing to expect of others...what an awful thing to expect of myself. We were not meant to play it safe...to hide...to numb. We were meant to sail, full mast, into the oceans of our lives. I need to let others sail regardless of the challenges and the risks. I need to sail as well. I would rather live life fully for a short time than live life safely and limited for a long time.
All is well in my world.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Good morning world
Good morning melody,
being swept so softly across my awakening gray matter,
Gently coaching me
to wake up to the beauty of life’s lovely and simple offerings.
Like laughter form a
child or the purring of a kitten, you make me smile
And my day begins
with lips that tease of a light heart as I sway back and forth
To the magic of your
hidden guitar.
Good morning solitude,
that wraps its arm around me and leads me here to this
Quiet place of
soulful reflection and stillness;
That sits me down and
perches on the end of my chair
Gesturing me forward
as I close my eyes and move my fingers
across the key board
in rhythm with the music being played around me.
I play my own
music in honour of you.
Good morning earth,
that blows and dances and sings outside my little window
Entertaining,
displaying, teaching and healing me in ways I can not yet understand;
Stitching up the
holes in my heart as I smile along to the life
That jumps and skips
around …pulling me into the emerging wisdom;
Telling me I am a
part of it…that we are all apart of it,
that we are all one
And I reach out to
You.
Good morning “what
is”…
what is perfect,
lovely and never ending;
What is clockless,
still and only now;
What is soft, gentle
yet so all consuming;
What is musical,
mystical and magical;
What is a simple
morning in this amazing life;
What is my life.
What is Life.
What is Life.
Dale-Lyn 2011
I hope to get away from the personal truth letting that I have been doing on this blog lately. It all sounds so narcissistic. This blog is not just about me as I am discovering that nothing in this world is just about me. It was not my intention to use it as a venting station for my ego. I have just had so much under the surface interfering with my day to day functioning and for me letting it go is usually done with the written word. It feels so good to write it all down. I feel peace afterwards. Truth brings peace doesn't it? Acceptance is so much easier to handle than resistance is. :) So what can you take with you from my written experience? Open your eyes and see what is going on around you. Accept it and then let it go.
All is well.
All is well.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Sorting through chaos
Maybe the greatest madness is to see life as it is rather than what it could be.
Don Quixote
What is chaos to you?
I know some would equate chaos to the aftermath of war and natural destruction. Others would equate it to what happens when the dishwasher is not working. My version of chaos lies somewhere in between...probably closer to the surprise on the battlefield...or the unexpected hurricane scenario. I equate chaos to what is going on in basement right below my nose.
My Version of Chaos
I went downstairs today...which I do not do often enough and I seen the utter chaos that my son had left behind. It nearly floored me. He had people over a few weeks back without my permission and he promised to clean it up. He didn't. The chaos goes beyond the hundreds of beer cans, liquor bottles and garbage strewn everywhere...beyond the beds with sheets torn apart, the fur covered clothing piled in corners and the furniture upside down. It exists beyond the smell of cigarette smoke in a "smoke-free" home and the once hidden bongs now placed in the open....beyond the holes in the walls, the stains on the floor and the broken glass. It goes beyond the expected symbols of completed life transitions and rites of passage that should be hanging from the wall but aren't.
In What it Means to Me
The chaos exists in what all that "means to me"...in my mental interpretation of the battlefield I set my feet down on this morning. In all of it I instantly seen the impact of life style choices...choices I do not agree with....his and mine. In his, I seen disrespect, entitlement, a lack of empathy for others and a lack of concern for one's future. I seen, anger pain and confusion, only partially subdued by a desperate attempt to numb and forget. I seen fear. My heart breaks when I see that.
I also seen my own responsibility in all of it...for somehow I enabled. I allowed things to get to this. I don't clean the way I know I need to in order to keep things free of physical chaos. Just putting order to one's physical surroundings can help. I don't do that. I have to push myself more despite how the body protests.
I also allowed my body to dictate what I could and couldn't do in my parenting. I told myself I couldn't go downstairs to confront that truth because the stairs are too hard on me. I allowed others to convince me it was all normal behaviour for the young people of today even though I knew better...no matter how normal it may be...I will never see it as healthy.
Truth is...I gave up. After years of exhausting battle with someone determined to go their own way...I gave up. In order to cope I closed my eyes and covered my ears. I rationalize; I spiritualize; I sympathize and I pretend that the chaos does not exist. I tell myself I am not responsible for what is going on...that it is beyond me...even though my heart tells me that I am...in some way responsible for it continuing. I may not have control over everything but I do have control over what I allow to take place in my home. That is where the line is drawn and possibly the key to truly helping. Enabling...is an act of self preservation...not of true caring. Letting go may be the only act of salvation for both of us.
I write this because it is my truth this morning and I am so tired of denying the truth.
All is well in my world!
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Monday, February 13, 2017
Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.
Roger Ebert
My big long spiel yesterday was not meant to be as morbid and self-indulgent as it may have sounded. I was trying to share some insights that others may relate to.
I was trying to make the point that emotions are energy fueled by our thoughts and more particularly our beliefs. They are just energy. All energy flows and needs to pass through an object. Think of an electrical current...it needs and entry and an exit point to allow for this flow. If it doesn't pass through it will do great damage from within. Because we attach meaning to our emotions and see them as the source of our happiness or our discomfort we sometimes block the flow. If an emotion is believed to be the cause of suffering we may try to resist it, deny it and repress it. It is not the emotion that is the issue or the circumstance we believed fueled the emotion that is the problem...that causes the most discomfort...but the resistance to it. When we resist it, we don't give it a way out and the energy stays within the body and mind causing upheaval.
Emotions need no judgement. They are neither good or bad; right or wrong...they just are what they are. Judging an emotion as something "we should not feel" is self destructive. It is like judging the flow of water in a stream. When we place judgement on our emotions we may feel we have the right to decide what feelings to let flow and what feelings to block. Blocking emotions is like making a damn. We all know what happens to a free flowing stream when we block it from flowing. It builds up on one side of the damn creating turbulent energy...and all the life on the other side becomes stagnant, dry and eventually dies. Emotions are just energy that is meant to flow through sustaining a well balanced energy and the beauty of life. Whether it is fear or love; joy or sorrow, peace or anxiety...we just need to let the emotion flow through. Not only do we block the unwanted emotions when we make a damn...we often block all emotions.
I also wanted to express that I felt fear...and it was okay to feel fear. In order to understand fear, reduce it to its proper size and meaning (it is like every other emotion...just energy) we need to look at it, accept it , let it blow a bit and then let it go. Denying fear and avoiding fear are common traps we as humans often fall in which leads to much more self limiting destruction than the fear itself can cause.
Emotions need to be expressed. One way to open the door to allow an emotion to flow through is to express it. Say to self or others, "I am afraid." "I feel fear." Once we do that we stop resisting the reality of it, we shrink it down to size and we let it flow through us. It may take time for it to make its way out but it will go.
Emotions are also messengers...letting us know that there is something in our subconscious minds that may need examination. Our emotions are fueled by our belief systems...recognizing our feelings can help us to identify what beliefs we may need to change.
Many of us are suffering unnecessarily because of our self limiting and life destructive beliefs. These beliefs are a result of conditioning and social doctrine...that doesn't make them true. In order to free ourselves from the prisons they keep us in...we must be able to get to the core of our belief systems and examine it. Some universal beliefs that impact many of us are: The body is all there is to us and when it dies we die. We are all victims of the clock. Our lives are dictated by the past and future. Suffering is caused by random and external acts of circumstance. There is only so much "good" stuff to go around so we need to separate, defend and attack to make sure we get our share. We are all separated by our body lines from each other, God and the universe. What we experience with the five senses is the only reality there is. etc etc Oh the list goes on and on.
If we change the belief we can change our life. That is the truth. But changing belief means having the courage to look way inside to where the belief system is hidden and to challenge it. It is not an easy process...let me tell ya. I have been at it for years now and I have days, like yesterday, when I realize I am still so stuck in limiting belief. Yet I also learn that it is happening...I am getting there, however slowly. I am changing my beliefs and I am changing my life. I need to accept where I am at right now in the process though. I have a long ways to go.
All is well in my world.
Roger Ebert
My big long spiel yesterday was not meant to be as morbid and self-indulgent as it may have sounded. I was trying to share some insights that others may relate to.
I was trying to make the point that emotions are energy fueled by our thoughts and more particularly our beliefs. They are just energy. All energy flows and needs to pass through an object. Think of an electrical current...it needs and entry and an exit point to allow for this flow. If it doesn't pass through it will do great damage from within. Because we attach meaning to our emotions and see them as the source of our happiness or our discomfort we sometimes block the flow. If an emotion is believed to be the cause of suffering we may try to resist it, deny it and repress it. It is not the emotion that is the issue or the circumstance we believed fueled the emotion that is the problem...that causes the most discomfort...but the resistance to it. When we resist it, we don't give it a way out and the energy stays within the body and mind causing upheaval.
Emotions need no judgement. They are neither good or bad; right or wrong...they just are what they are. Judging an emotion as something "we should not feel" is self destructive. It is like judging the flow of water in a stream. When we place judgement on our emotions we may feel we have the right to decide what feelings to let flow and what feelings to block. Blocking emotions is like making a damn. We all know what happens to a free flowing stream when we block it from flowing. It builds up on one side of the damn creating turbulent energy...and all the life on the other side becomes stagnant, dry and eventually dies. Emotions are just energy that is meant to flow through sustaining a well balanced energy and the beauty of life. Whether it is fear or love; joy or sorrow, peace or anxiety...we just need to let the emotion flow through. Not only do we block the unwanted emotions when we make a damn...we often block all emotions.
I also wanted to express that I felt fear...and it was okay to feel fear. In order to understand fear, reduce it to its proper size and meaning (it is like every other emotion...just energy) we need to look at it, accept it , let it blow a bit and then let it go. Denying fear and avoiding fear are common traps we as humans often fall in which leads to much more self limiting destruction than the fear itself can cause.
Emotions need to be expressed. One way to open the door to allow an emotion to flow through is to express it. Say to self or others, "I am afraid." "I feel fear." Once we do that we stop resisting the reality of it, we shrink it down to size and we let it flow through us. It may take time for it to make its way out but it will go.
Emotions are also messengers...letting us know that there is something in our subconscious minds that may need examination. Our emotions are fueled by our belief systems...recognizing our feelings can help us to identify what beliefs we may need to change.
Many of us are suffering unnecessarily because of our self limiting and life destructive beliefs. These beliefs are a result of conditioning and social doctrine...that doesn't make them true. In order to free ourselves from the prisons they keep us in...we must be able to get to the core of our belief systems and examine it. Some universal beliefs that impact many of us are: The body is all there is to us and when it dies we die. We are all victims of the clock. Our lives are dictated by the past and future. Suffering is caused by random and external acts of circumstance. There is only so much "good" stuff to go around so we need to separate, defend and attack to make sure we get our share. We are all separated by our body lines from each other, God and the universe. What we experience with the five senses is the only reality there is. etc etc Oh the list goes on and on.
If we change the belief we can change our life. That is the truth. But changing belief means having the courage to look way inside to where the belief system is hidden and to challenge it. It is not an easy process...let me tell ya. I have been at it for years now and I have days, like yesterday, when I realize I am still so stuck in limiting belief. Yet I also learn that it is happening...I am getting there, however slowly. I am changing my beliefs and I am changing my life. I need to accept where I am at right now in the process though. I have a long ways to go.
All is well in my world.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.
William Wordsworth
Today I fill my paper with the breathings of my heart.
As I have written several times over the last month I have been feeling restless and "disquieted" somehow. I also mentioned that I believed that feeling experience was caused by some unexpressed emotion that I was resisting through repression. I knew expression and change of some kind was required of me. I just didn't know what or how.
Feeling particularly restless yesterday afternoon I decided to just sit with this feeling and meditate on the cause of it. I asked this question: "What emotional experience am I resisting and what life change is it requiring me to make?" I meditated on the same question before I went to bed. I woke up with an answer...a very clear answer this morning. So here are the breathings of my heart:
The Breathing of My Heart
The emotional experience I am trying to stuff by shoving into some mental trunk for weeks now...is fear. I held it, stuffed it, pushed it down so I could close the cover and keep it away from my conscious awareness but it is still very much alive. It is still thrashing about, banging on the walls, and screaming at me to hear it. By repressing it I only made it angry and restless. That is where my restlessness is coming from.
What am I afraid of?
I fear that this pelvic condition may be life threatening. There I wrote out what my heart was breathing. It is not the first time I felt the borderline fear of a possible impending death because of a specific physical condition. I feared the breast lumps I had...especially the first few... could be life threatening. (There is some rational reasoning to that: my sister has stage 4 breast cancer and my aunt died from breast cancer. I have been referred for MRI's and biopsies by radiologists). I feared the 8 month course of sore throat and hoarseness I had a few years back could be life threatening. (There is also some rational reasoning to that: my mother died from throat cancer at the age of 44 and 8 months is a long time to have a sore throat. Laryngoscopes showed I had some spots on my glottis that eventually went away). I also feared and still do to some extent that this cardiac condition may take me early. (The rational behind that is self explanatory to anyone who has followed my blogs).
So there were other times I "wondered" if my life would soon be coming to an end because of something specific my body was doing. I "wondered". I did not obsess. I did not freak out. I did not stop living...I wondered and some times that wonder bordered on worry and fear. So when they all proved to be non life threatening I was so relieved, obviously, but I also learned to distrust my fear and any rational explanation for my physical symptoms.
Though all conditions could be objectified as being real, there was some shaming involved (both the external and internal kind) for my presentation . Ironically shame is the emotion I am most resistant too. In order to push shame away I had to push away the idea that "I was afraid..." for I believed that it was not okay to be afraid. So I learned to "stuff" my fear, delay seeking help for abnormal functioning of the body, and underplay and dismiss my understanding of pathophysiology.
When this pelvic condition made itself known months ago...I told myself from the beginning that it is just a flare up of endometriosis prior to menopause...(which it very likely is). Of course with the breakthrough bleeding, the abnormal amount of pain, bloating and now I discover weight loss...fear started to resurface. I stuffed it down...again and again...I stuffed it down. Instead of just letting it be heard, listened to, supported and then let go...it festered in this mental trunk getting uglier and uglier. I didn't push for answers because of the shame and the lack of hope that I would get one (stuck in my past experience of getting help for my heart). It has been nine months...nine months of a festering physical condition and a festering fear. The energy I tried to repress is becoming a cyclone inside of me. That is why I am restless. I have to let it out. It all begins with naming the emotion and expressing it. I fear that this pelvic condition may be life threatening. I feels so much better just by writing that.
As I look into this deeper and meditate on it more I realize it is not the particular condition...not this one, not the others...that is the cause of my repressed fear based restlessness. It is not the condition, nor the very common fear of death that is the source of my present suffering. It is my resistance to fear that is the problem. The fear of death is a global fear, is it not? I am not alone in experiencing it. Where does this fear come from? It comes from a belief system so prevalent within me...within many of us if we take the time to look... that it controls how we live. I have come so far in my understanding of truth but, I sadly realize today that I am still being governed by fears and limiting beliefs. Working on it but I have a ways to go. I fear because I believe.
The irrational Beliefs Many of us Share
I still fear death. The fear of death comes from a universal belief that death is real...that the death of the body is the ending of everything. Despite my seeking to get beyond this notion I still believe, to some extent, that life is limited by time and other things of the physical world. This belief comes from an even greater belief that the physical world and what happens in the body is all there is to life. How many people believe that? I tend to expand on this notion in a personal sense. I believe, I do not deserve to live as long as other people. Believing that, I personally fear that my time is running short and I will not have the time to complete what I am here to do, that I won't fulfill my calling, that I won't make a distinct and positive difference in the world, that I will leave people needing more of me( my children)...and that I won't do what God wants me to do. That adds a fair amount of "pressure" to my fearful mind.
I believe the world is full of suffering, illness, death and loss and it is spread out in allotments according to who deserves these things more. Because of who I am, I believe I need to take on more suffering than others to make up for my time here. I am afraid that God wants me to suffer even though it sounds so absolutely ridiculous as I write it down.
I believe the world only has so much love, health, joy, abundance and blessing to pass around. These things are limited and must be distributed to the people who deserve them most. I believe, I am not worthy of the good things in life so if my life starts to get good ( Don's presence in it has lifted so much stress from my shoulders), the good will be taken away once it is realized that the wrong person has it. My getting really sick is one way the universe can take it away...thus my fear of and possibly my creation of a physical illness
I know as I write the beliefs out that they are irrational and not based on evidence. They will be easy to challenge, disprove and restructure once they are put on the table for examination...as I am attempting to do...as we should all attempt to do. . These beliefs, however, lay so deeply in the subconscious they are hard to recognize let alone access and manipulate. But if we want to change the way we feel, and therefore change the way we live these precious lives we have been given, fulfilling what we are here to do...we must recognize, accept, express , own and release our feelings and the beliefs that are responsible for them. We need to go to the trunk and open it up.
Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.
Sigmund Freud
All is well in my world.
William Wordsworth
Today I fill my paper with the breathings of my heart.
As I have written several times over the last month I have been feeling restless and "disquieted" somehow. I also mentioned that I believed that feeling experience was caused by some unexpressed emotion that I was resisting through repression. I knew expression and change of some kind was required of me. I just didn't know what or how.
Feeling particularly restless yesterday afternoon I decided to just sit with this feeling and meditate on the cause of it. I asked this question: "What emotional experience am I resisting and what life change is it requiring me to make?" I meditated on the same question before I went to bed. I woke up with an answer...a very clear answer this morning. So here are the breathings of my heart:
The Breathing of My Heart
The emotional experience I am trying to stuff by shoving into some mental trunk for weeks now...is fear. I held it, stuffed it, pushed it down so I could close the cover and keep it away from my conscious awareness but it is still very much alive. It is still thrashing about, banging on the walls, and screaming at me to hear it. By repressing it I only made it angry and restless. That is where my restlessness is coming from.
What am I afraid of?
I fear that this pelvic condition may be life threatening. There I wrote out what my heart was breathing. It is not the first time I felt the borderline fear of a possible impending death because of a specific physical condition. I feared the breast lumps I had...especially the first few... could be life threatening. (There is some rational reasoning to that: my sister has stage 4 breast cancer and my aunt died from breast cancer. I have been referred for MRI's and biopsies by radiologists). I feared the 8 month course of sore throat and hoarseness I had a few years back could be life threatening. (There is also some rational reasoning to that: my mother died from throat cancer at the age of 44 and 8 months is a long time to have a sore throat. Laryngoscopes showed I had some spots on my glottis that eventually went away). I also feared and still do to some extent that this cardiac condition may take me early. (The rational behind that is self explanatory to anyone who has followed my blogs).
So there were other times I "wondered" if my life would soon be coming to an end because of something specific my body was doing. I "wondered". I did not obsess. I did not freak out. I did not stop living...I wondered and some times that wonder bordered on worry and fear. So when they all proved to be non life threatening I was so relieved, obviously, but I also learned to distrust my fear and any rational explanation for my physical symptoms.
Though all conditions could be objectified as being real, there was some shaming involved (both the external and internal kind) for my presentation . Ironically shame is the emotion I am most resistant too. In order to push shame away I had to push away the idea that "I was afraid..." for I believed that it was not okay to be afraid. So I learned to "stuff" my fear, delay seeking help for abnormal functioning of the body, and underplay and dismiss my understanding of pathophysiology.
When this pelvic condition made itself known months ago...I told myself from the beginning that it is just a flare up of endometriosis prior to menopause...(which it very likely is). Of course with the breakthrough bleeding, the abnormal amount of pain, bloating and now I discover weight loss...fear started to resurface. I stuffed it down...again and again...I stuffed it down. Instead of just letting it be heard, listened to, supported and then let go...it festered in this mental trunk getting uglier and uglier. I didn't push for answers because of the shame and the lack of hope that I would get one (stuck in my past experience of getting help for my heart). It has been nine months...nine months of a festering physical condition and a festering fear. The energy I tried to repress is becoming a cyclone inside of me. That is why I am restless. I have to let it out. It all begins with naming the emotion and expressing it. I fear that this pelvic condition may be life threatening. I feels so much better just by writing that.
As I look into this deeper and meditate on it more I realize it is not the particular condition...not this one, not the others...that is the cause of my repressed fear based restlessness. It is not the condition, nor the very common fear of death that is the source of my present suffering. It is my resistance to fear that is the problem. The fear of death is a global fear, is it not? I am not alone in experiencing it. Where does this fear come from? It comes from a belief system so prevalent within me...within many of us if we take the time to look... that it controls how we live. I have come so far in my understanding of truth but, I sadly realize today that I am still being governed by fears and limiting beliefs. Working on it but I have a ways to go. I fear because I believe.
The irrational Beliefs Many of us Share
I still fear death. The fear of death comes from a universal belief that death is real...that the death of the body is the ending of everything. Despite my seeking to get beyond this notion I still believe, to some extent, that life is limited by time and other things of the physical world. This belief comes from an even greater belief that the physical world and what happens in the body is all there is to life. How many people believe that? I tend to expand on this notion in a personal sense. I believe, I do not deserve to live as long as other people. Believing that, I personally fear that my time is running short and I will not have the time to complete what I am here to do, that I won't fulfill my calling, that I won't make a distinct and positive difference in the world, that I will leave people needing more of me( my children)...and that I won't do what God wants me to do. That adds a fair amount of "pressure" to my fearful mind.
I believe the world is full of suffering, illness, death and loss and it is spread out in allotments according to who deserves these things more. Because of who I am, I believe I need to take on more suffering than others to make up for my time here. I am afraid that God wants me to suffer even though it sounds so absolutely ridiculous as I write it down.
I believe the world only has so much love, health, joy, abundance and blessing to pass around. These things are limited and must be distributed to the people who deserve them most. I believe, I am not worthy of the good things in life so if my life starts to get good ( Don's presence in it has lifted so much stress from my shoulders), the good will be taken away once it is realized that the wrong person has it. My getting really sick is one way the universe can take it away...thus my fear of and possibly my creation of a physical illness
I know as I write the beliefs out that they are irrational and not based on evidence. They will be easy to challenge, disprove and restructure once they are put on the table for examination...as I am attempting to do...as we should all attempt to do. . These beliefs, however, lay so deeply in the subconscious they are hard to recognize let alone access and manipulate. But if we want to change the way we feel, and therefore change the way we live these precious lives we have been given, fulfilling what we are here to do...we must recognize, accept, express , own and release our feelings and the beliefs that are responsible for them. We need to go to the trunk and open it up.
Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.
Sigmund Freud
All is well in my world.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
The Fear of Death
While I thought I was learning how to live, I was learning how to die.
Leonardo DaVinci
The sun is shining brightly this morning. The sky is so blue...my tea is hot and yep...it is caffeinated! I need the zip...the pop...the pep...and the zing these days a bit of caffeine provides. It doesn't take much caffeine for me at all lol but sometimes even a little can cause a whole host of problems...my body's way of saying I don't want that in me. I am going to listen to my head over my heart today. What my mind wants and needs my mind will get. It has been a bit of a foggy mess the last couple of days and I want the fog to lift.... so I consume a substance that I know will lift the fog as well as my heart rate a little bit. Today I listen to my mind...tomorrow I might listen to my body. :) Wasn't that an interesting ramble? Who needs to hear about my caffeine consumption?
The Possibility of Death
My daughter had a dream the other night and she called me, yesterday while I was at work, in tears. She dreamt that I died. I know she is worried about me. The kids have been worried about me since they seen me go down in front of them for the first time years ago. Before that I underplayed how I was feeling...attempting to be all stoic like etc. When I hit the floor that day they knew...there was no pretending.
We have all down played it since, as a coping means...even joke about it...but after I have episodes...or family members get sick, have heart attacks, heart surgery, strokes and die they wonder and they worry about me. The notion of having "a bad heart" is often equated with having a fragile connection to life...if they perceive me as having a fragile connection to life...they perceive themselves as having a fragile connection to me. That leads to worry and fear based thinking.
Then with the arrival of this other condition ...which I never talk to them about other than answer their questions with "just the endometriosis flaring up" ... they worry because they have seen me pacing the halls in the middle of the night and my daughter was in the doctor's office with me ( tandem appointment) when I relayed the signs and symptoms and he mentioned the need to rule out cancer. She worried about that far off possibility only because she already perceived a fragile connection to me.
The Fragility of Life
My children are consumed with this notion of the fragility of life, the fragility of attachment to others, of the perseverance of illness and the impending possibility of death. I don't want them focusing any of their thought energy or wasting any of their "life" energy on that. So my first reaction to my daughter was, "I am so good!!! There is no need to worry. I am not going to die!" Which relieved her and it relieved me but the truth is, it is a lie.
I mean I am good...so grateful to have what I have, to be able to do what I do regardless of perceived physical limitations and discomfort. I AM GOOD! Just as I am right now. That part is true. And there is no need to worry. Worry is a complete waste of time...having no positive benefits...changing nothing other than one's ability to live happily and peacefully in the present moment. That part is true too.
We are all going to die
What isn't true is that "I am not going to die." because I am going to die in the physical world sense someday. This body is going to stop at some point...my heart is going to tick its last tock eventually . That is a given. It may not happen until I am 90 or it could happen a lot sooner because of my familiar heart condition or this other bloody thing if it turns out to be something other than endometriosis.(Which I do not believe it will :)) But the truth is...I will die and I do not know for certain when and how that will happen. I only know that it will. It will happen for all of us!
Attachment to the Body
The problem arises not with the reality of the body being a temporary vehicle that will not last forever but in the attachment to it. If I perceive my life as being this body than man I have a problem. I am clinging to something that will not last. If my children are attached to me as this body ...then they have a problem. They are clinging to something that will not last.
If we are attached to the fear based notion that we need to keep the body going at all costs just so we can be free of the pain of loss...we all have a problem. If we are attached to this notion that illness is a very real threat for all of us and that it will lead to our eternal demise...than we have an even bigger problem. We live in fear and worry of the future rather than the joy and peace of the moment. We cling to the unreal rather than embracing the real. In that way we are not living every day. We are dying everyday. And that is so sad.
The Eternal Aspect of Who we Are
Life...in the physical sense only...is fragile and self limiting. We, however, aren't. Who we really are doesn't go away when our bodies stop working. For that reason...there is not death in the real sense. There is no need to worry or fear. If we could only get our focus beneath what is apparent with the five senses and understand what "life" really is we wouldn't be reassuring others that we are not going to die. We wouldn't have to. And even if we did...we would know in our core...that actually...it wasn't a lie after all.
I would like to readdress my daughter's concern with another reply:
"I am good right now. There is no need to worry. My body will die someday but I won't. Isn't life absolutely amazing?"
All is well in my world.
Leonardo DaVinci
The sun is shining brightly this morning. The sky is so blue...my tea is hot and yep...it is caffeinated! I need the zip...the pop...the pep...and the zing these days a bit of caffeine provides. It doesn't take much caffeine for me at all lol but sometimes even a little can cause a whole host of problems...my body's way of saying I don't want that in me. I am going to listen to my head over my heart today. What my mind wants and needs my mind will get. It has been a bit of a foggy mess the last couple of days and I want the fog to lift.... so I consume a substance that I know will lift the fog as well as my heart rate a little bit. Today I listen to my mind...tomorrow I might listen to my body. :) Wasn't that an interesting ramble? Who needs to hear about my caffeine consumption?
The Possibility of Death
My daughter had a dream the other night and she called me, yesterday while I was at work, in tears. She dreamt that I died. I know she is worried about me. The kids have been worried about me since they seen me go down in front of them for the first time years ago. Before that I underplayed how I was feeling...attempting to be all stoic like etc. When I hit the floor that day they knew...there was no pretending.
We have all down played it since, as a coping means...even joke about it...but after I have episodes...or family members get sick, have heart attacks, heart surgery, strokes and die they wonder and they worry about me. The notion of having "a bad heart" is often equated with having a fragile connection to life...if they perceive me as having a fragile connection to life...they perceive themselves as having a fragile connection to me. That leads to worry and fear based thinking.
Then with the arrival of this other condition ...which I never talk to them about other than answer their questions with "just the endometriosis flaring up" ... they worry because they have seen me pacing the halls in the middle of the night and my daughter was in the doctor's office with me ( tandem appointment) when I relayed the signs and symptoms and he mentioned the need to rule out cancer. She worried about that far off possibility only because she already perceived a fragile connection to me.
The Fragility of Life
My children are consumed with this notion of the fragility of life, the fragility of attachment to others, of the perseverance of illness and the impending possibility of death. I don't want them focusing any of their thought energy or wasting any of their "life" energy on that. So my first reaction to my daughter was, "I am so good!!! There is no need to worry. I am not going to die!" Which relieved her and it relieved me but the truth is, it is a lie.
I mean I am good...so grateful to have what I have, to be able to do what I do regardless of perceived physical limitations and discomfort. I AM GOOD! Just as I am right now. That part is true. And there is no need to worry. Worry is a complete waste of time...having no positive benefits...changing nothing other than one's ability to live happily and peacefully in the present moment. That part is true too.
We are all going to die
What isn't true is that "I am not going to die." because I am going to die in the physical world sense someday. This body is going to stop at some point...my heart is going to tick its last tock eventually . That is a given. It may not happen until I am 90 or it could happen a lot sooner because of my familiar heart condition or this other bloody thing if it turns out to be something other than endometriosis.(Which I do not believe it will :)) But the truth is...I will die and I do not know for certain when and how that will happen. I only know that it will. It will happen for all of us!
Attachment to the Body
The problem arises not with the reality of the body being a temporary vehicle that will not last forever but in the attachment to it. If I perceive my life as being this body than man I have a problem. I am clinging to something that will not last. If my children are attached to me as this body ...then they have a problem. They are clinging to something that will not last.
If we are attached to the fear based notion that we need to keep the body going at all costs just so we can be free of the pain of loss...we all have a problem. If we are attached to this notion that illness is a very real threat for all of us and that it will lead to our eternal demise...than we have an even bigger problem. We live in fear and worry of the future rather than the joy and peace of the moment. We cling to the unreal rather than embracing the real. In that way we are not living every day. We are dying everyday. And that is so sad.
The Eternal Aspect of Who we Are
Life...in the physical sense only...is fragile and self limiting. We, however, aren't. Who we really are doesn't go away when our bodies stop working. For that reason...there is not death in the real sense. There is no need to worry or fear. If we could only get our focus beneath what is apparent with the five senses and understand what "life" really is we wouldn't be reassuring others that we are not going to die. We wouldn't have to. And even if we did...we would know in our core...that actually...it wasn't a lie after all.
I would like to readdress my daughter's concern with another reply:
"I am good right now. There is no need to worry. My body will die someday but I won't. Isn't life absolutely amazing?"
All is well in my world.
Friday, February 10, 2017
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Tired today...slept poorly. Thinking the caffeine I have occasionally in the mornings is affecting me. I am really sensitive to it again for some reason. Restless hormones and a restless spirit on top of that. :) I don't need caffeine...I need meditation lol. That is the answer to everything. All good. Anyway...another beautiful morning...cold and refreshing. Life goes on and I go with it.
All is well in my world.
All is well in my world.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost
Robert Frost
Life Goes On
Robert Frost was a wise man. I think of this quote in context to my own life and to the lives of those who do not seem to be moving forward. No matter what circumstances we may encounter...no matter how much we seem to be stuck...life will go on around us. We can curl up in a ball and do nothing but life will go on. We can lock ourselves away from the world but life goes on. We can lose everything but life will go on. Our physical bodies will eventually die and decay but life will continue to go on.
That is what life does. It is a never ceasing momentum of moving forward...constantly moving forward. Standing still and looking back only prevents us from "experiencing" life. It doesn't stop the clock from ticking. We have a choice to either turn our backs on the reality or to move along with it so we experience everything it has to offer.
Life goes on and so should we.
All is well in my world.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
As long as you write what you wish to write, that is all that matters; and whether it matters for ages or only for hours, nobody can say.
Virginia Wolfe
So that is what I have to write: What I wish to write. I went back to some old short stories yesterday that I wrote years ago because I wanted to write them. I tucked them away because they are not "great". I reworked them a bit and now I intend to send them out. I wrote what I wanted to write. I wanted to write them then but what do I want to write now? Reading the shorts reminded me that it was not that painful of a process. I need to establish myself in literary journals with the "short" stuff before any publisher or agent will even consider me for the "long" stuff. So if publishing is ever going to happen I need to send out shorts. Do I want to publish? Is working on shorts what I want to do? I don't know. It is not that simple of a question considering the options. What do I want to write? Fiction or non-fiction? For adults, young adults or children (I have done it all)? Shorts, poetry, novellas, or novels? Fantasy, drama, romance, suspense, contemporary? So many choices. I just don't know...back to the meditation lol.
All is well.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed.
Earnest Hemmingway
Monday, February 6, 2017
The Restless Wind within
Restless Wind
The wind is blowing outside my window. I can hear it whistling as the ice covered trees snap back in protest. Snow is being carried by gusts before me creating a sensation of cold one can feel with the eyes.
I am thankful that I am not out there in it. I am warm, here in my corner with my housecoat wrapped around me, my old dog at my feet and my cat curled up on my lap. We create such a perfect picture of contentment, don't we? I do not feel so content.
Feeling restless, bored, anxious and confused lately. My body is acting up but I wonder if it is just to get my attention. In the bouts of pelvic and chest pain; in the weakness and fatigue; and in the hormonal onslaught of this transition...lies a message of some kind.
Something is stirring from within like the wind outside my window...bringing up feelings and thoughts and throwing them in gusts across my psyche. This internal wind wants to be heard. Something else within me cracks with resistance but even that is getting weary. The ice is being knocked to the ground. I have to listen!
What is it that I am to hear?
I, and the world maybe, need change, resolution, expression and a certain healing that cannot be obtained by prescription or external intervention. There is something I have to do, in this regard, but I don't know what that can be. My body can only do so much these days so I am assuming it is something I have to do with my mind: with my words or my photos? I think I am to create something...anything new? I think, maybe, I am to begin another writing project but I don't know what I am to write. I just know that when I say, "I think I am to write something new," I hear this soft sigh of relief going off inside me.
"Finally...she gets it!"...the wind turns to a whisper of satisfaction.
What am I to write and why?
For change, resolution, expression and healing. :) I am being told possibly...that there is a need for such things and that it comes from all of us...within. I am being called maybe...to express myself. My ego chirps up: Why would you bother writing something new when you have three books out there that do not look like they will get published? When some do not obviously like what you write? When you won't do the work of gaining literary acclaim by writing and publishing short stories?
Writing is not about being published...I know that now. Don't get me wrong I would love to be published extensively but...that is not "why" I write. I write to write...to express, share, help calm the wind that blows inside and outside of me. I write to heal. To me; writing ( and photography) are the ultimate expression of self...not the little self we refer to as the "me" but the big Self that can be referred to as the "we".
I don't know what I need to write. I mean I have lots of ideas...lots of work started that I could complete...but I am not sure what this particular "calling" is telling me right now. I am going to meditate on that and I will get back to you...just in case you are as curious as I am. :)
All is well in my windy world.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
In a Photogragh
What do you See?
Being Called
When I walked by this tree trunk a few weeks ago...it seemed to call out to me as many of the things I shoot do. No...not telepathically lol...I just intuitively turned to it. My eyes were drawn to it. I felt it's strength and its essence. In one split second...without being consciously aware of it at the time...I saw the contrast between outside and inside, old and new, broken and strong and life and death.. I thought it was absolutely beautiful in its apparent brokenness. I had to shoot it.
Later, I was compelled to create an image that tricked the viewer into thinking they could reach out and touch the crevices in the bark like I had done, that they could feel the moss beneath their fingertips and the sticky sap long after they walked away. I wanted them to feel the tree.
Create Feeling and Connection
I guess that is what I want to do with my images...create feeling...recreate the feeling I experienced when I look upon the things I shoot. They do not have to be great Ansel Adams shots but the incentive is the same. A great photograph is one that fully expresses what one feels, in the deepest sense, about what is being photographed.
Ansel Adams
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Warmth of Human Hands
What am I going to write about this morning? I usually start with a quote that inspires me and build on that but today I am empty. I go in for the free flow rant lol. Brace yourself.
Feeling the Pain of the World
I feel so "sensitive" the last couple of days. I find myself feeling the pain of others so intensely...not necessarily their pain but the pain "I assume" they are feeling. I "sense" suffering all around me. I hear about depression, addiction, and suicidal thoughts and my heart swells. I feel the "loneliness" maybe...as well as the boredom and discontent that is consuming our youth. There is trauma and pain lingering in the mental energy around me.
I look out at the world and I see that people do not cope the way they used to...do not "connect" the way they used to and that is why...maybe...there is this perception of suffering. It just seems to be , for some reason, everywhere right now...filling my senses, my heart and my mind. This awareness of suffering overwhelms me sometimes. I feel helpless and hopeless not knowing how to make it better. I retreat inward and become more reclusive in hopes that I can make it go away...at least from my awareness. It is still there...needing to be heard. My brothers are hurting.
I watched the movie "Cardboard Boxer" last evening...not a good choice if you are already feeling overwhelmed by the suffering of others going on around you but a beautifully done movie with the message of the importance of reaching out and connecting to others.
I thought of Mother Teresa as I watched the movie...and how she went out to the streets of Calcutta to help the most destitute of people. She fed them and clothed them ...yes...but what she wanted to do more than anything else is to let them know they were not alone. She wanted them to feel the comfort of human compassion. We can last a long time in destitution...physically... but what breaks the spirit is not the hunger pains or surviving the elements day after day without shelter...it is the loneliness.
The movie depicted what Mother Teresa taught...it is "kindness" we need to offer more than anything else. It is kindness that may be lacking and if administered in just the right dose...might be the remedy for the suffering the world is perceiving. What do you think?
The following is an excerpt from, Where There is Love, There is God by Mother Teresa (2010; Doubleday)
Warmth of human Hands
One day I was walking down the streets of London and there was a man sitting, simply doubled up looking so lonely, so like a throw away. And I went near him, and I took his hand and I shook his hand and I asked him how he was. And he sat up and he said, oh, after long, long time I feel the warmth of a human hand. Long, long time. There he sat up, eyes are full of joy. He was a different being just because there was a human hand that make him feel yes, you are somebody, somebody that I love. This is something that we have in these terrible days of suffering, let us be that- the joy of loving.
All is well in my world!
Friday, February 3, 2017
Wisdom
Been lamenting here again and I said I wasn't going to do that. Just tired and tired of being tired. No big deal.
The Wisdom of Acceptance
Sometimes I wonder about accepting everything. Should we accept everything in life or should we change certain things too? Sometimes change is as a good as a rest.
For some people, like my daughter , who is feeling this way and who has not yet lived her life and filled it with experiences...she needs the excitement of change...of challenge...of stimulation. She needs to have change in her outside world.
What about people who lived a lot of struggle amongst the joy already? Do we pack it all in and settle for the night?
I am in a place where I "am tired"...and I want to make peace with my lack of energy. But is that enough? Maybe even for me sometimes...I need more than the peace I am seeking in acceptance of my life...I need to live fully while I can....challenge myself, push myself, create change.
Hmmm! The serenity prayer comes to mind as I write this...maybe that is where I am at:
The Wisdom of Acceptance
Sometimes I wonder about accepting everything. Should we accept everything in life or should we change certain things too? Sometimes change is as a good as a rest.
For some people, like my daughter , who is feeling this way and who has not yet lived her life and filled it with experiences...she needs the excitement of change...of challenge...of stimulation. She needs to have change in her outside world.
What about people who lived a lot of struggle amongst the joy already? Do we pack it all in and settle for the night?
I am in a place where I "am tired"...and I want to make peace with my lack of energy. But is that enough? Maybe even for me sometimes...I need more than the peace I am seeking in acceptance of my life...I need to live fully while I can....challenge myself, push myself, create change.
Hmmm! The serenity prayer comes to mind as I write this...maybe that is where I am at:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I want the wisdom to know the difference so I can do what is best for me and others.
All is well in my world.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Skating on the River
Be free and live life fully.
Caroline Shaw (Brainy Quote)
Skating on the River
My daughters went skating on the river yesterday.
One gift the ice storm gave us is a beautiful glassy ice rink that extends for miles.
I was so envious...I couldn't go with them for several reasons. I was in bed after recovering from another bout of pelvic pain and I also knew the cold air and exertion would lead to chest pain and other symptoms...but man...the thought of that freedom of skating, spinning, flying on the ice without any sense of boundary or limitation. I crave that!!!!
I absolutely love to skate...especially outdoors. It is one of my favorite freedoms :) Takes me away from everything but the movement, the sound of blades cutting through ice and that feeling of complete omnipotence. (well ...until I fall on my butt lol).
Despite my symptoms, I went three times last year ( indoors) when I was feeling better in January. I have never had my skates on since. I don't feel quite as well now as I did then. I am so tempted to try it anyway regardless of how I feel.
Yesterday after the girls left I had this tremendous sense of loss. I was reminded that I wasn't truly living...just thinking about living and writing about living but if I was living wouldn't I be dragging this body...regardless of what it was feeling...to that place of freedom, of joy, of bliss, and of the wonder I experienced as a child whenever I was on the ice.
I need that. Any symptoms will be worth it...if I could only just live a little more than I have been living!
All is well in my world,
Caroline Shaw (Brainy Quote)
Skating on the River
My daughters went skating on the river yesterday.
One gift the ice storm gave us is a beautiful glassy ice rink that extends for miles.
I was so envious...I couldn't go with them for several reasons. I was in bed after recovering from another bout of pelvic pain and I also knew the cold air and exertion would lead to chest pain and other symptoms...but man...the thought of that freedom of skating, spinning, flying on the ice without any sense of boundary or limitation. I crave that!!!!
I absolutely love to skate...especially outdoors. It is one of my favorite freedoms :) Takes me away from everything but the movement, the sound of blades cutting through ice and that feeling of complete omnipotence. (well ...until I fall on my butt lol).
Despite my symptoms, I went three times last year ( indoors) when I was feeling better in January. I have never had my skates on since. I don't feel quite as well now as I did then. I am so tempted to try it anyway regardless of how I feel.
Yesterday after the girls left I had this tremendous sense of loss. I was reminded that I wasn't truly living...just thinking about living and writing about living but if I was living wouldn't I be dragging this body...regardless of what it was feeling...to that place of freedom, of joy, of bliss, and of the wonder I experienced as a child whenever I was on the ice.
I need that. Any symptoms will be worth it...if I could only just live a little more than I have been living!
All is well in my world,
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Be happy for no reason like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you are in trouble because that reason can be taken from you.
Deepak Chopra
How true is that?
The answer to all our earthly problems may lay in this wisdom. If we could only remember what it was like to be a child and follow suit.
Do you remember what it was like:
- To be happy for no reason? To giggle and laugh at everything? To just be so content wherever you were?
- To see the world through those eyes when everything was worthy of your attention...fascinating...beautiful...amazing?
- To be so completely in the moment...never worrying about what tomorrow may bring or what happened yesterday....to just be enthralled by the now of your life?
- To be in a mind that was so simple and uncomplicated by ego things like needing more to be worthy, what others might think of you, recognition for successes, money?
- To be attached to nothing for long?
- To be faithful and trusting without doubt?
- To be so willing to have fun?
- To love so completely and unconditionally?
- To be so honest and open...so free of masks, costumes and performances?
- To be so close to where you came from...so close to the source of all life?
- To be so real, honest and authentic?
- To be so simply?
If we want to be truly enlightened we do not need more knowledge...we need less. We do not need to do more...we need to do less. We do not need to complicate...we need to simplify. We need to be less adult like...and more child like.
We need to be happy for no reason. The reasons we attach our happiness to as adults...are not real and will not last...but who we were as children still exists within ...and we just need to tap into that joy that is and always will be there. Remember what it was like to be a child and go there once again.
All is well in my world.
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