When Will Morning Come?

You have to grow from inside out. None can teach you. None can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul. 

Swami Vivekananda

Practicing Kriya yoga and I am really not sure what I am doing.  I want to take that "jet plane" to God...so I am studying and practicing Yogananda's written directions for Kriya. This is probably not the way to do it. One is supposedly supposed to be initiated into kriya by a guru before they practice...but I am telling myself...that in this modern world of virtual connection...the initiation doesn't have to take place in person?  It is not going to happen in person here, anyway. I could put an ad in the local paper, "Seeking, Kriya Teacher from Babaji lineage for Initiation."  I am quite sure that I would not get a response.  lol. 

I just want release already! This dark night of the soul is getting to be more than a little "old".  I hate waking up with that big knot in my gut and the heaviness in my heart...like I have been doing for weeks now.  I accept it, even if I don't like it.  We don't have to like this part, do we?  I am not asking to avoid the dark night...I am still very much committed to going forward in my mission to get to that peace that passes all understanding...but can we get there already? lol. 

At this point, there is so much samskara garbage right there at the top of me...so easily triggered by everything and anything. I am so aware of it all. It is dark and heavy. I am also looking back at my life and saying, "OMG I spent almost six decades living in a mental construct and not in reality...what a waste!" I really don't want to spend another day here, living like this, but it is going to take what it takes for me to let go of all this mental stuff and conditioning. Sigh!   It's crazy. 

Anyway, I am committed and am venturing forward. Morning will come when it comes, I guess. 

All is well.