Heavy

 My Self will straight aboard, and to the state

With heavy heart this heavy act  relate.

Othello (William Shakespeare) 

Hmm! Continually watching my little self experience this dark night of the soul. Almost everything is down: my mental energy, my emotional energy and even my physical.  I am so tired and the body signs validate that fatigue: very low BP (systolic in the 70's) and pulse in the 40's throughout the day. It is all so heavy. Not accepting work right now because I am afraid of a faint...and that makes ego chirp up, leading to even more heaviness.  Sigh! I feel inclined to relate this heavy act  to the state  :)

Heavy

The head literally feels heavy to carry; the body feels heavy to move. What I am experiencing is matched by the heaviness of the environmental atmosphere right now: heavy cloud cover, heavy rain. The barometric pressure is playing with the experience of gravity, making it a little more heavy than usual. There is a heaviness in my chest that makes each breath fight against this unusually heavy sense of gravity. 

And all that which  is emerging from the depths of me is heavy. Some pully system in me, spurred on by conscious will and my desire for freedom, is  pulling and pulling and pulling the stuff up from the bottom. Those buckets of stored and buried  liquid "me-ness" are  very, very heavy. The weight of the past is heavy.  Well the memories themselves are just puffs of air that blow away but the emotional energy they were buried in is heavy. This dark night of the soul  literally feels heavy! 

And I read and listen to wise others speak about the "blissed out!" experience one can achieve on this path and I am like, "Huh? Man...I cannot even imagine that possibility right now. I just want a little less suffering, a little less darkness, a little less heaviness.  I would be more than appreciative if  Source threw a little tiny beam of light over here, now and again,  in both the visual sense of light as well as the gravitational sense of "light" ie add a little lightness to this that I seem to be carrying at this stage of my growth.  Bliss is too far away to even imagine.

Or is it?

Can one actually go from heaviness to bliss? I am reminded of new recruits in boot camp...having to put on heavy back packs loaded with weight as they are marched for miles. This is done to help them "practice", to build stamina and prepare them for the hardships that might arise when they are actually out there in the field. It would be the ultimate test of their strength and endurance. How they must feel when the practice is over and they can remove those heavy backpacks. I do wonder how it will feel to get past this stage of my practice and have this load lightened (in both ways).  

I think about "relief" more than I do  about attaining "bliss" but they come from the same Source, don't they?  Where relief and peace is found, one will find bliss. Beyond all this heaviness is an airy lightness. Beyond that dark cloud cover, is the sun shining brilliantly. I know that intuitively!  And it is all already in this being  that I am.  I just can't see it becasue I am too busy focusing on the heaviness.  I want that cloud cover and rain, that is in between what I am experiencing now and what I could be experiencing, gone.  That is my mission here...So I keep pulling up the blockages from this deep well of my past.  I keep trudging up this steep hill carrying  this heavy pack, as I recite  a "1-2-3- and 4; Remember what we do this for!" 

I have learned that tensing up and struggling against the weight, only adds more weight.  To get through this dark night, we  must breathe into each pull, into each step, relaxing, as much as we can into the process. We must tune out the ego that is going to chirp and complain about how difficult it is and what we must do to fight the absurd commands of the drill sergeant, and just keep relaxing into what is, letting go of every load that is pulled up from the bottom of that well, letting go of every extra thing ego tells us to carry to make it better.  Just let go and keep going... knowing that eventually the heaviness will be replaced with a certain lightness that will never go away. And maybe...just maybe...that lightness will lead to bliss. Who knows?

"One-Two-Three- and Four! Remember what we do this for!" 

All is well

Inspired by:

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe. ( June 4, 2023) Not Closing-The Path of Unconditional Love. https://tou.org/talks/