Examining the Mind

 If you keep examining your mind you will come to see that thoughts of who you are and how it all is are creating the reality you are experiencing.

Ram Dass

The Mind In the Way

Well the sun has been revealed after days and days of rain.  The first real sunny day was yesterday and I rejoiced in it as much as this tired body and still heavy mind would let me.  I pushed the body to walk and exercise ( in hope of stimulating the shakti flow) and I went to what has been termed a  healing place by the first nations people here. I walked along the ocean listening to the waves crash against the shore like breaths from Mother Nature herself, hiked through a cedar forest, ad travelled in an open field that seemed to stretch for miles under the blue sky. It was healing for soul even if mind and body objected lol. That is what I tell myself anyway. :) The only thing in the way of me fully enjoying it? Mind, of course. 

This dark night makes me so aware of this mind and teh impact it has on my life!  And it is a nasty critter sometimes...chomping and gnawing away at my insides, standing in the way of peace and joy ...for no good reason at all! I had an encounter with it this morning...or at least I "observed" it in action.

Examining the Barrier

I awoke this morning...feeling the physical effects of overexertion yesterday...so I was a little off. Being off physically doesn't bother me. I wouldn't mind waking up to chest pain and sore muscles but what was even more in  my face was  Mind.  It was so in my face, reminding me of a cousin of mine that passed a few years ago.  He had undiagnosed Asperger's or something on the spectrum, and had no sense of social distance. He would often  come right into your face as he spoke.  He was also bitterly depressed and there was often so much negativity spitting out from his mouth.One would try to shed a little light and he would turn that light into something dark. His expressions got dark fast, so full of  conspiracy stories. It was so draining to be around him, I often found myself avoiding him. 

Well when I woke up this morning, Mind reminded me so much of my cousin.  It was as if Mind was standing way to close to my face, relaying a conspiracy story that "me" was the center of.  It all began when I wondered why I never got the same calls D. did to certain schools and my mind took that and ran with it...creating this big elaborate conspiracy story about false assumption about me. I lay there and I watched mind build on that story until it reached the most negative of conclusions. Mind was telling me that people were assuming the absolute worse thing possible about me.  I could hear  a voice in the distance behind the drama unfolding , saying, "Well you wanted to get rid of your attachment to "me" in a hurry, didn't you? In order to do that you  need to be free of the good opinion of others. This is the ultimate test. Are you free?"  

I realized I wasn't free...yet.

All Just Thought

Now...I was aware as I was observing that this was all just thought.  I was also aware of the negative charge to this thought stream...bringing me down pretty fast ( well lowering the focus of consciousness into the mud and keeping the shakti flow in the very depths of that mud....that is what "down" is, isn't it?).  I was aware of the negative feelings I was experiencing...yick! I was also aware of the habitual tendency emerging to  "fix" this so I didn't have to feel that way.  Thoughts for redemption came into my head.  I needed  to figure out how I could make people out there think better of me. Then I thought well maybe, for now,  I could just come up with another reason why I didn't get the calls...a less challenging to deal with possible negative assumption or opinion of me. Then I went to...maybe it had nothing to do with "me" but just a preference for others or a glitch in the system.  I started to come up a bit, to feel better.

Then I realized that I just spent ten minutes in this horrible drama I made up in my head.  Wow! Mind is still so much in the way. There is still so much "me" there to shed. Am I ever going to get past this?  Am I ever going to be free from the suffering it causes? Am I even progressing at all?

As I sit here reflecting on it, much to your bored horror, I see that yes there is a way to go but I am getting somewhere.  A few years ago I would not have been "observing" myself thinking these thoughts...There would have been no awareness of  "observer".  I would have been totally identified with the thought stream , lost in it.  It all would have been real .  I would have believed my thoughts and lived according to them!

Observing and Asking "Why?" 

Now,  I am observing objectively. Sure, there was a subjective pull there this morning and I felt a lot of negative emotions in response to those negatively charged thoughts...but there was some distance...I was observing myself experience the thinking and its consequences.  I knew I was observing Mind, not reality,  and I was not believing the thoughts to be 100%  true. I also caught myself at one point going from "How do I fix this so I feel better?" to "Why am I thinking like this?"   

Why Am I Thinking Like This?

I realized upon asking that question that the past samskaras were being triggered.  My samskaras are rising to the surface and are even more easily triggered than they were before. The fear of wrong assumption is based on other negative assumption that were wrongly  made about me in the past, the energy of which I did not process through fully and is now stored inside.  Some of these assumptions were minor, with little consequence, but some had drastic consequences on my life like the assumptions that arose when I was  health seeking and seeking support. That was traumatizing. The trauma of that was based on something even deeper I was holding onto that is also resurfacing. My inability to be available as much as intended in this little job venture is triggering past work experiences where I was less than available and not validated for my reasons. People have made incorrect assumptions about me in the past.  I guess I have just learned to expect negative assumption from others. So all this was being triggered coming up to the surface...when I asked, "Why did I not get those calls..." 

The Healthy Question

Anyway...the point is .... "Why am I thinking this way or i.e. why am I not okay inside?" is a much more progressive question to ask than,"How can I fix this so I feel better inside?" is .  The focus is taken away from external cause and solution , which we have so little power to control, to internal.  So the fact that I ask "why" and examine the reasons for my lack of okayness inside is a sign that I am progressing. 

Are You Free Yet?

I was granted a gift with this dramatic reverie. as well. Behind the thought stream was a voice reminding me of my commitment to be free of me and the need of good opinion of others. My mind, as troublesome and annoying as it is, was doing me a solid. It was putting me in a situation where the worse opinion from others could arise to test me in my head instead of  me having to be tested in real life. Then behind the virtual drama was the voice that  asked...Are you free yet? 

 I was made to realize that I wasn't.  There is still work to be done. Sigh.

Now,  I know that was long boring detail about a thought process I was experiencing.  I share because I know such things likely go on in your head, as well. Do you want freedom?  Do you want peace of mind?  If so you need to catch yourself dropping down into the negative thinking,  Then when you do, first of all, step back and observe it all from a distance, knowing it is just Mind stuff and not real.  Secondly, I want you to ask:  Why am I thinking this way?  And look inside for the answer. 

Are you free yet?  If not, that is perfectly okay, Trust that you are getting there...one thought at a time, one question at a time, one answer at a time.

It is all good! 

All is well.