On Not Being Liked

 

Be Independent of the  Good Opinion of Other People

Abraham Maslow

I am obscure as a writer, poet, teacher...right now. Few people even know I do what I do here or in my  other writing, and I am finding a certain  peace in that.  Sometimes I think I even subconsciously seek obscurity out so as to avoid putting myself in the position of not being liked. This "me"... I still see my self as...really, really, really doesn't like not being liked. :)  

When I sense that I am unliked, that awareness causes some   deep samskara pain to emerge. It is the source of most of my lack of okayness and is probably the biggest challenge for me as I wake up.  It is a prime trigger point for a very,very tender spot inside me.    My habitual pattern of responding to that "second arrow" is usually to do what I can to rectify the situation so I am liked: apologize, make amends, figure out how to be better. Or I may put great effort into trying to redeem myself in this situation or compensate by increasing my "likes" elsewhere. I may also deny, suppress and repress those painful triggers and therefore push down that samskara that so wants to emerge, be seen, be heard, be felt  and then be released. If suppression  doesn't work at "making me feel okay inside", I will run away from those situations where I assume, perceive, or am told I  am not liked, avoiding them or similar situations again  Am I alone in this?

I think the "fear" of not being liked, accepted, included into the pack for psychosocial survival reasons is a common and natural fear shared by many of us.  Depending on the degree and nature of the wounding, it is even more intense for a select few of us. I understand where this samskara comes from in me and it goes far beyond just a fear of not fitting in.  It involves a fear of not surviving on all levels without the approval of the pack.  And entwined into  that fear,  from past trauma, is this core belief that I am not only too different but too "bad" and too "potentially harmful " for the pack. I have a belief that the pack  if any member gets a good whiff of me and my brokenness, will do whatever it can to get me out . There is an intense and underlying belief beneath my fear that I could never fit in and "be liked" as my very broken , authentic self.  Am I alone in this?

No...I don't believe I am. If I did believe that, I would never have had the courage to write this here and share these "deep, dark" secrets. I can see what I do and I witness what others do when this need to be liked in order to avoid old wound poking is prevalent.  I spent my entire life building layers of "redemption" around myself  by doing things that others would like and approve of,...and that included all things from what I wore to what I chose as a career. Every thing had to pass a "How will this make people feel about me?" assessment. It was so exhausting! I had to work very, very hard to achieve certain status symbols, to be calculative and very much in tune with where others were in their potential opinion of me so I could stay one step ahead in the creation of what I presented to them. I am naturally very kind (genuinely caring about others) but I had to be even nicer, and kinder, selflessly giving up my needs for others, just so I would be accepted into this "pack". It was such a mind game.  It was not until I was in my forties that I started to say things like "People won't like this...but I have to do it anyway if there is any chance of being okay inside." 

Awakening and writing about it was one of those things I started  doing despite the lack of approval from others. What is bigger than my fear of not being liked is my commitment to awaken...to evolve, learn, grow away from my need for the good opinion of others. Being independent of the need for others to like us is what Abraham Maslow referred to as a major factor in Self-actualization.  Awakening, of course, is self actualization/Self-realization and freedom from our samskaras. 

So as I pumped up my practice and delved even deeper into this "I am not okay inside and I want to be okay inside" thing, I began to make freedom from old wounding  my major priority in Life. I even prayed that I be handed what ever I need to become self-actualized, to get beyond the demands of this broken little "me" and its preferences. I said, "Bring it on!"  

Well, Life/God is obliging big time lol in most avenues of this life I call "mine". Circumstances are arising where I find myself saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing ( innocently so) and coming off as an unlikeable person. I even find myself hurting and offending people when that is the last thing I intended to do for all kinds of reasons ( the authentic me, beneath this need to be liked, is genuinely a very compassionate person). With nothing but love and concern in my heart, I have failed to reach out to others enough or in the right way in their time of need. I find myself in situations where I feel the healthy need to assert myself in a benign and kind way and it turns out that I am coming off as arrogant and pompous  to others.  Many of my neighbors, who used to be very friendly, now urn their heads when I walk by and the gossip started about the dog incidents is still pretty prevalent.  I chose this little job opportunity thinking I would walk into classrooms and be accepted as well as I was in the college setting, only to find the complete opposite. lol.  Trigger, trigger, trigger.  Poke, poke, poke and it feels absolutely awful. 

I just keep reminding myself: I chose this!  This is great for my practice!  I will grow from this. I can handle this!  I got this!

It is not fun though! My not okayness is coming up into conscious awareness and it is challenging to live with all that old pain there. It is even more challenging to be face to face without  that pseudo protection I used to wear. Man!  I am a mess right now  and instead of that mess hiding nicely under the rug I swept it under, it is right there in front of me in a big dust pile. I find myself yelling at the people around me, "Stay out of the  dust!!" .  It is even having an impact on me physically...I want to go in to face the disturbance every day becasue I know it is good for me (and because I definitely could use the money)  but my body says, "Nope! Not today Sweetheart! I don't care how broke you are, how much you want these samskaras to be gone...you are not driving me to the ground!"  I was close to hitting the floor with my face  on Wednesday afternoon even though I didn't want to admit that to myself.  I need to take a step back and examine how to do this in a more healthy way. 

n the bright side...I am growing and letting go more and more of this need for the good opinion of others...even when part of me is still slipping from my commitment and  trying so hard to be liked from time to time.  When I notice myself slipping  I step back and observe.  Layer after layer is getting pulled off,  as the authentic Self is becoming more and more exposed.  People may not like the "me" that is still there hanging around and because of this experience of unravelling I see how I don't even like the "me" lol...I want it off already! But it is only going to happen when it happens.  I need to respect my body and mind as this unravelling continues whether people like me or not. 

Anyway...it is all so good.