The Recognition in Namaste

 Love is the recognition that you share the same essence ...recognizing essence of Self in the other. 

Eckhart Tolle

When I look at my granddaughter who has not been on the planet long enough to be conditioned to the idea of needing "special relationships" and whose perception is not yet veiled by ego ...I see so clearly. I feel such pure, authentic and unpolluted Love.  I mean the real thing. When she smiles or laughs at something silly I say or do...I know she sees her "Self"  in me. She feels that pure, uncontaminated Love for "me". She sees beyond "Nana's" clump of flesh with its silly faces and silly stories to that which cannot be seen. We do not just share the same genes...we share the same essence.  

We all share that essence. Yet too many of us are blinded by our attachments and our expectations...We have created thick ego veils over our line of vision and through that see only seperate forms.  We do not see that essence we share beneath the form.

I teach yoga so the word "Namaste" is the last word I offer my students before they get up off the matt. The light in me sees and honours the light in you .

How beautiful the world would be if we could all see and honour this light in one another.

All is well.

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One day you are just a mother. The next, you are all wise and prehistoric.

Pam Brown

 I am back.  Was away looking after my beautiful and highly energetic granddaughter while my son's second baby, a beautiful grandson for me, ( yes ...he was brought in the world solely for  the purpose of giving "me" a grandson lol),  was being delivered. They needed a five day stay in hospital following...and I now need five days...maybe five weeks of sleep lol.  I raised four children of my own...three were in diapers at the same time and this little red headed bottle of energy I chased around for five days made me question, "How did I do it back then?"  Of course,  when my kids were her age I was twenty plus years younger, whatever I have going on now in this ticker of mine was just beginning to cause me problems and it was a job I absolutely wanted to do. I loved/love being a mother. I absolutely love being a grandmother too and  am not complaining.  Having those five days with her was the highlight of my year accumulating in the birth of her baby brother...another  ball of energy to chase around in a year's time. I am so, so grateful as a grandmother! Just a little sleep deprived and tired so I will get back on track tomorrow.

All is well.

" ...Having seen all form [feeling, perception, formations, consciousness] as it really is with correct wisdom thus: " This is not mine, this I am not, this is not myself,' one is liberated through nonclinging....

    When one knows and sees thus...the mind is rid of I-making, mine-making and conceit, has transcended discrimination, and is peaceful and well liberated."

From Bodhi , The Connected Discourses...as relayed in Joseph Goldstein's, Mindfulness, page343-344 

More Amazing Words of Wisdom From Alan Watts

 

On the Eternal Now

The only place to begin is now because here is where we are...so why put it off? 

Instead of dragging up the past and projecting into the future any desire for fulfillment, we would be better off settling into the present moment, being here and now. 

On Spiritual Pride

Wouldn't it be great to be a mystic? To have no fear? No attachments? No hang ups? To be as free as the air? .... but if you  look into  yourself honestly you will see that you are nothing more than a quaking mess and this desire to be a great mystic is nothing more than a symptom of your quaking mess. It is self defense. ...running away from the quaking mess...escaping...you never can...You are stuck with it. There is nothing you can actually do to transform your own nature into unattached selflessness. ...because you have a selfish reason for wanting to do it. ....  

I often dream about being so enlightened that I am free of all my hang ups, my suffering...that I am completely selfless and altruistic.  The problem with that is ...it is "I" that wants to be enlightened and free.  "I" that wants to be selfless and detached.  As long as it is an "I" goal generated by this "little me" I identify as I am attempting to defend and preserve this version of "I". There is no "I" ...there is no "me" ...that is just a concept or a thought. Mystics...have no "me" sense...they see beyond it to the truth.  So "I" could never be a mystic. 

On the Illusion of You 

...The reason you can't do anything about it is because you don't exist. That is, as an ego, as a soul, as a seperate will...it just isn't there.  And when you understand that you are liberated. 

Freedom comes when we can see the Truth beyond the ego.  There is no seperate little self.

The unattainable, intangible Awareness

They say in Zen...that you cannot take hold of it nor can you get rid of it. In not being able to get it, you get it. When you are silent it speaks and when it speaks you are silent. 

What there is is awareness...but that awareness can not be reduced to a tangible and attainable  symbol or concept.It can only be experienced in the eternal now. 

"You" are not being pushed around by Life

There is the happening...but it is not pushing you around because there is no "you" to push around. ...This illusion of the persecuted ego that is pushed around by fate is altogether disappeared and so in likewise the illusion of the ego that also pushed fate around is also disappeared. By dying to yourself...you become reborn...you become everything.

 This reminded me that there is nothing personal in Life challenges...they are just happenings. I am not being pushed around because there is no "me" to push around.  I can not control and fix Life because there is no "I" to do that.  I am not seperate from Life...I am Life.  Once I give up the ideas of who I think I am...die to this illusion of "Me"...I will see that. 

Hmm!  All is well. 

Alan Watts/Simple Art ( July, 2021) The Universe Grows I-Alan Watts https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkiyqrnAh0Q 

Helping the Universe Grow "I"

 Seeking nothing, he gains all; forgoing self, the universe grows "I". 

Sir Edwin Arnold

I know this at some deep level.  I can't explain how or why I know it but I do.  Still my ego is constantly throwing a heavy dark blanket over this knowing. It keeps telling me and attempting to show me through habit mind  that there is a "me", a seperate self I need to defend and attack for. It tells me that  I need to fulfill this self by seeking something out there in the external world  and up there in the proverbial future. When I don't get there or when I attain and achieve some satisfaction and it doesn't last...ego tells me to keep trying...keep seeking... hhm!

As Alan Watts says, Only suckers put hope in the future. I am a sucker. 

I need to keep going back to my center, that space where this knowing is uncontaminated by anything my mind is doing.  I do not need to go "out there'' or "up there" in some future moment.There is only this moment!   Right now, I just need to stop and remind myself of this. Our purpose here, I guess, is to help the universe to grow in "I"ness...we cannot do that if each mind in a  sack of flesh sees itself as "I" independent of the universe. 

We need to relinguish our seperate claims of "I"...realize the illusionary nature of it ...and wake up to the truth of Life. 

A man who understands the Tao in the morning, can die peacefully in the evening. Confucious? 

Hmm! Some more food for thought!

All is well

Alan Watts/ T & H- Inspiration and Motivation ( August, 2021) Alan Watts on the Eternal Now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IheL31luaEs

Coming Out Of

 

It should be obvious that the human being goes with the universe...even though we say in popular speech  " I came into this world!" It is not true that you came into  this world. You came out of it in the same way a flower comes out of  a plant, and fruit comes out of a tree. And therefore people are an expression of its energy and its nature. 

Alan Watts

I am contemplating these wonderful words of wisdom from Alan Watts as I contunue to wonder, "Who am I...really?"  

Who is the "I" Lost in Hindrances? 

This clump of flesh and busy mind experienced or observed some more challenging life events yesterday  when my daughter started having contractions again.  The goal was to get her  to  35 weeks before the baby "comes into" this world. Hmm! "I" was worried yesterday. "I" was desiring something different in this moment..."I" was projecting up into the future where the 35 week mark was because I had ill will for the moment unfolding in front of me.  "I" was doubting that we would get there and "I" found myself curling up and doing nothing...hiding under the  covers of sloth and torpor. "I" was lost in the five hindrances and therefore not experiencing the peace "I"  wanted to feel.

Now that is a lot of "I"  usage for someone studying the whole idea of "non-self", isn't it?  This morning I found myself reflecting on yesterday's events and  asking: Who is this "I" that was supposedly lost in the five hindrances, anyway?

Serendipity brought me this video  from Alan Watts, listed below, to echo my reflections.

Who am "I"? 

The most fasicinating problem in the  world is,  Who am I? ...What do you mean, what do you feel when you say the word "I"? 

When I utter the word "I" these days I experience a certain vagueness and disconnect. The "I" that was straying off the skilfull and wholesome path was simply this conditioned idea I have of "Me".  A thought form lost in thought form. Many of us are brought up to believe that we are "an island of consciousness locked up in a bag of skin. " 

Yet this is not who we really are , is it? We really do not know who we are, what this "I" is, do we? 

Can't See It

...it is so mysterious.  It is so elusive. ...because what you are in your inner most being escapes your examination rather in the same way  you cannot look directly into your own eyes without using a mirror...

We see ourselves as the masks we wear and the roles we were conditioned to play but we cannot look directly at who we really are...because  we are everything and everything cannot see itself.  So it is easier to see ourselves as personalities and minds in seperate sacks of skin. We see ourselves as seperate from the external world beyond these flesh bags. We grow up believing we therefore need to defend and attack to preserve this "I". 

Seperate Sacks of Skin? 

....believing that what is outside this "me" is not "me" sets up a foundation of hostility and estrangement between ourselves and the so called external world

This seperation idea is taught extensively in  the teachings of ACIM and other spiritual teachings.  As long as we view ourselves as seperate , we cannot see or experience who we really are beyond the illusion of "I". We are threatened by that which exists outside us.  So we try to conquer and fight the external world, getting farther and farther away from understanding who we really are.

Not Coming Into...Coming Out of 

Yet if we were to stand back and watch something  in nature grow, we  would see  that nature,  doesn't assemble parts...it expands from within  and gradually complicates itself expanding outward...Watts teaches that it is absolutely absurd to say that we came into this world when we really came out of it.

This baby, about to be delivered, is coming from the world not into it.  Like a piece of fruit on a tree or a flower on a plant he will be an expression of the world's energy and nature...not seperate from it. Just like the "I" that felt so seperate yesterday, lost in the mental hindrances, is simply an expression of the Life unfolding in those moments I was mentally struggling against. I am not seperate from the Life that unfolded yesterday and that is unfolding now..."I" am it. 

Hmmm!  

All is well!

Alan Watts/ T & H-  Inspiration and Motivation (August, 2021) Most People Will Never See It-Alan Watts on Identity.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdgTcxEKZ3E

The Meaning of Life

 If you seek the meaning of life you will lose it.

Alan Watts

Unrelated Side Note: I have "other" weighing in as a -3 on my stats page lol. How does one have -3 readers lol on a pie data chart when I have a lot of other url's showing up?  Who is this other anyway...must be someone who has access to the editorial portion of this blog, possibly explaining why sometimes things are missing from previously posted entries or moved around? (This is just an assumption, a "jumping to conclusions" ...I really do not know what any of it means! ) It is  mysterious  though and it is peaking my curiosity.  

Anyway...

Wanted to share some wise words from Alan Watts

Life has no meaning except itself.

You are not seperate from the experience; you are the experience.

Hmm! Something to ponder.

All is well 

Alan Watts/T & H- Inspiration and Motivation (July, 2021) People Keep Looking But Don't See It. -Alan Watts on Inner Peace. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qOiGgJuFoE

Desiring Fulfillment InThe Future?

 People look to time in expectation that it will eventually make them happy but you can not find true happiness by looking toward the future. 

Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm!  Still trying to understand desire a little better.  I am still pondering over that momentary fantasy I had yesterday about becoming fulfilled in the future by achieving a certain level of success as a writer, speaker, teacher...about being able to be "free" of suffering in terms of gaining financial freedom and being happy and healthy fulfilling my "purpose".  I mean...I have and have had millions of such fantasies over the years...coming and going.  I have even had plenty of momentary achievements and attainments related to this goal. It felt like I had succeeded or would succeed many times.  Like all phenomena, these 'achievements'  never lasted, but they did arise and come into my life for a while at least.  This convinced me that desiring was a good and healthy thing to do.  It could actually make things happen ( as proposed by the Law of attraction) and besides it felt so darn good to be swept away by fantasy, so much better than dealing with life as it actually was.

I wrote a lot about wanting over the years...sometimes supporting the Law of Attraction and the healthy benefits of desiring and other times writing how I see it as a hindrance to our awakening.   

Yesterday was the first time, however, that I really looked deeply into the nature of this fantasy, this desire and therefore into the nature of desire itself. I observed several things.

Desire is a future projection. When we desire we are asking the future to fulfill us because we are not feeling fulfilled now.  If we were fulfilled right now, felt truely happy, like we had everythng we needed here and now we wouldn't mentally  jump into a time that will never come, would we, in hope that it will give us what we don't have now?  We would not "expect" anything from tomorrow because we would not need anything from tomorrow. We would realize we had  all that was necessary for our happiness now. If I perceived  things were going well here...if I did not feel worried and stressed all the time...I wouldn't go to some futuristic story in my head for rescue. I would not need to. 

Desire is an escape from the now. When  do we tend to go deep into fantasy? I know myself this fantasy often comes up when my life feels tough, when I have been knocked down and am wanting to redeem myself socially or personally, when I feel stress.   It takes "me" away from the stress, the finacial worry, having to deal with the suffering of so many others. Who is this "me" that is escaping the here and now.

Desire is a tool used by the ego or the "little me". It is not who I truely am that is desiring something more than this...that essence cannot suffer because it does not expect, judge or depend on outcome.  It just is.  It is the little me only that desires because it is the "little me" that suffers.  It is the little me that is not satisfied with this moment it is in.  It is the little me that needs the future to save it. This thought I have in my head based on my history, my past memories, my conditioning and other opinion that I call "me" needs the past and future to sustain it.   It cannot be happy "now" so it depends on the future to save it from the now. The little me cannot be sustained in the now. But who we truely are can only be in the now.

Desire has selfish motivations. Desire is not altruistic.  It's intent and motivation is to serve the little me. This particular desire gives "me" what I perceive I don't have in 'my' life at that moment. This not having is what 'I' blame for 'my' lack of happiness and fulfillment. In 'my' fantasy, 'I' have all the money 'I'need.  'I' can keep 'my' house without worrying about it or 'I' can give it away to  'my' son and his children so 'I' don't have to worry about them.. 'I' can travel and do some of those other things 'I' selfishly want to do. 'I' can help 'my' kids out so they are not struggling....thus diminishing their suffering and therefore diminishing the suffering 'I 'experience watching them suffer.   'I' can give away to those that need. 'I' can help support the world. And all that is done to help "me" not suffer from guilt.

Desire delays awakening. Though I have studied how desire is a hindrance to our awakening...looking deeply into this personal example of a fantasy I have been having, allows me to see how it is delaying my awakening.  I can actualize this learning through direct experience. How can I awaken to what is if I am running away from it into this future story? 

Desire is the opposite of Presence. As long as we are desiring we are not fully present here and now.  We are actually resisting,  pushing the moment away to get to the next moment .

Desire is a form of resistance. Because we are often using desire to escape our present moment we are using it to resist what is. 

Desire is the product of judgement, expectation and aversion. Desire often arises, as it did in my case, when I was looking about at my present moment and what it was given me with "This is bad, wrong, shouldn't be." This of corse led to resistance becasue Life was not being the way I thought it should be...it was not meeting "my" expectations...well "little me's" conditioned expectations. 

Desire then, does not come from a skillful or wholesome place. If the roots of desire are unwholesome, then the fruits of desire will be unwholesome as well. 

Desire prevents us from living fully. If I am pushing the present moment away with a desire or future fantasy...I am pushing life away.  The only place Life can be is here and now. The only place the essenc eof who I really am beneath my desire and my little me-ness is here and now.  

What we desire is often not what we truly need.  Even if I were to become a successful and well known writer , speaker, teacher and I earned a fairly good income for doing so...that would be all and good...but it is not what I am truly seeking. It will not fulfill me.  What will fulfill me is what I assume these things will bring me...peace, joy, presence, compassion, kindness and love.  And these things cannot be attained by outer world longing and wanting.  They are already in us.

Besides, the fact that I have little money and little "worldly success" in this role I created in my head, is not a problem.  The problem is my judging and resisting what is. This idea of "problematic life" is just that... an idea...lacking solidity and sustenance.  I do not need to run away from it into another mental state like desire.  I just have to recognize it as a mental state and observe as it arises and dissolves. Desire will not bring me the peace I long for. 

Be careful. Even when we find ourselves seeking this enlightenement in the future...we are still desiring. 

Even my desire to be free or enlightened is just another craving for fulfillment or completion in the future. So don't seek to become free or desire to "achieve" enlightenment. Become present. 

Eckhart Tolle

Instead of desiring, we need to learn to be present in the here and now...allowing and appreciating what this moment gives us. 

Well this is the way desire is in my version or expression of  Life.  Maybe it is different for you. We can agree though, can't we, that  desire is something we all need to at least  stop and reflect on every now and again? 

All is well in my world. 

Eckahart Tolle/ Conscious Awareness ( August 2021) Freeing Yourself From Identification With Your  Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xxe9MWXBNWQ

Fleeting Thoughts

Thus you should think of this fleeting world: A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream; a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, a phantom and a dream.

From the Diamond Sutra, page 238

To start with a thought from my head or one from someone else's, is the question I often ask myself  when I plop myself down here.  Do I write down  a quote I came across today that resonates in me  and write to that...or do I write and then find a quote that applies to what I have written? 

Thought First.

I have been pondering , once again, this idea of non-self that I am struggling to experience directly and at the same time I am pondering the impact challenging life situations  have on any idea of "self" we might have.  Why does it feel so personal when things are challenging? Why does it feel like this "me" is being attacked? Is it Karma or curse that  this "little me", I am obviously still too identified with,  is experiencing? Do we really have to deal with all that crap head on? 

 I was also seeing today how sometimes, after all my practice, I am still running from what I judge as "unpleasant" into "pleasant seeking", even if it is only done through fantasy.  I still catch myself thinking and dreaming about some rescue from these situations, from the moment, instead of just accepting them and all they offer. I recently  found myself in a mental state of worry and fear once again when I realized that I will be  without the small income I was earning caring for someone at a time that I am also in  even more debt: new roof and new grandbabies to help support. The knot in my belly began to twist and turn. I resisted that feeling and ran off into a fanatsy of desire. I found myself imagining selling something I wrote, or finding a job that met my creative needs and allowed me to  earn a decent living. I  even viusalized getting to the point I was free of debt. I wondered what that would feel like not having to worry about money, having that knot in my belly untangled.  I imagined all my efforting here finally having a fruitful outcome that stripped me of worrying about paying the bills and keeping the house.  I was a succesful writer, teacher, speaker.  I found myself living in a fantasy in my head and it was lovely. I was desiring big time. While my exaggerated version of reality seemed unpleasant, (I was a seperate "little me" cursed with bad luck or karma, poor and broke and destined to be that way for the rest of my life) , this desiring was very pleasant. I kind of clung with white knuckles to the door frame of that fantsay when the wise Self called me back to my moment. I didn't want to go back. But  I have evolved enough to know that this desiring will not end my suffering.  It just distracts me from it.  So I came back to here and now. The only way out is through, right?  

Sigh... 

So I want to talk about all of that. You ready? 

I guess we could begin by addressing the understanding that thoughts have no reality or permenance.

The Impermenance of Thought

When a rainbow appears we see many beautiful colours-yet a rainbow is not something we can clothes ourselves with, or wear as an ornament: it simply appears through the conjunctions of various conditions. Thoughts arise in the  mind in just the same way. They have no tangible reality or existence at all. There is therefore no logical reason why thoughts should have so much power over us...Dilgo Khyenste Rinpoche, page 237-238

 My thought that I am "poor" and will be for the rest of my life is empty, lacking in sustenance and solidity.  The thoughts that my life will be so much better than it is now when I become successful and get  paid for what I love to do...is also empty, lacking in any tangible thing to hold onto. The thought of "me" as a seperate little entity, cursed with bad karma is empty of existence, as well.  The future "when" in my fantasy...pfff...nothing but smoke futuily trying to hide the only time there is...now. Even the thought of an "I"...of  a "me" has no power unless I give it power.  . I give my thoughts power when I follow them, when I allow the mind  to trap me and decieve me.  

My fantasy was a collecion of thoughts ...a movie was being played in my mind and I was so enthralled by that movie that for a while I didn't notice I was thinking.  Then I began to realize I was thinking.  The more practice I do...the more frequently and the more quickly I begin to recognize that  I am being carried off by the mind. At first I resisted coming back down to reality.  When  I was ready...this collection of thoughts evaporated away as if they were bubbles on a stream. Once I was back in my breath, my body, my moment  I could examine my thoughts more clearly.  I could see that the thought that led to my fantasy: of there being a seperate little entity being punished by the universe was very fleeting...it arose and left ...By the time I was back in my moment it had changed and morphed into the thought "Hey...sometimes Life is difficult.  It has nothing to do with me." 

The circumstances of my life lack longevity as well and they are the conditions that help to form thoughts.  They, like the thoughts the mind creates in reaction to them,  come and they go.  Right now I am broke, a week ago I had enough to pay the mortgage, next week I will have more or less than I have now. Always changing...arising and dissolving with  nothing solid to hold onto...are the happenings of our lives. And our thoughts , in reaction to these happenings, do the same. 

So that can take us back to understanding non-self.

Non-Self

When we examine and see the impermenance of thought, we see the impermenance of self.

There is nothing personal about Life because there is nothing personal period. 

When one perceives impermanence, the perceptions of non-self is stabilized.  One who percieves non-self eradicates the conceit "I am".  The Buddha, page 238

This notion of little me we have is constantly changing, is it not?  It is a thought or concept and like all thoughts it will come and go. Just like our thoughts constantly change, just like our circumsatnces and all phenomena  change ...this little me is not permanent. 

So there is nothing being done to me.  Because there is no "me" and there is nothing solid in that thing we think is happening to us. That brings me to the next thing to discover...how the fantasy doesn't save us.

No Future Salvation

Desire itself is impermanent. It doesn't have to be gratified before it leaves us.  My fantasy did disappear as quickly as it arose, without it having to come true first and by noting when it disappeared I was able to see the impermenant nature of desire itself. Thinking that desire is something that can remove us from the unpleasant is just a trick of the mind.  Desire itself will not last. 

Hmm!  I am not sure if this reflecting did anything for you, but it cleared up some things for me.

All is well! 

Jospeh Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Stuck on the Relative Level of Self

On the relative level, we live and act and relate as individuals with one another, with all our personal stories and histories.  On the ultimate level, there's no self, no "I", no one there at all.

Joseph Goldstein, page 74 Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True. 

 One of the  lessons I have the hardest time  actualizing in Buddhist teachings is the idea of non-self.  I can get that most of the things we grab for in the world of form are unsatisfyng and that everything is impermenant but when it comes to this idea that nothing is personally happening to me...I struggle.  I can intellectually understand that concept  but I have a hard time directly experiencing it. It is like "I know it" but "I don't feel it." Especially when things seem to go wrong in numbers! 

I have had a challenging weekend...waiting on one grandbaby I was expecting to come ( turned out to be a false alarm) so I could run to look after my son's daughter; worried about the family and  the man I was caring for and sadly we lost him; and last night my daughter called me at 2 am...she was beginning an early labour at 33 weeks. Again, with COVID restrictions, all I could do is advise, suppport and offer presence from a distance via text.  Sigh! They were able to stop the labour with meds and are in the process of strengthening baby's lungs with cortisone injections into Mom. The goal is to get her to 35 weeks. But it is all up to baby. 

Maybe it is just the sleep dep and the pain that seems to get worse with stress and sleep dep...but man, it feels so darned personal. Even when the "little me" is nothing but a bystander in all these things. 

I know that what happened has nothing to do with "me"...whatever this "me" is.   Life isn't attacking me ...selecting my form and mind as a target for "bad" things.  And really there is no such thing as "bad" without judgements  from this "little me" which is really nothing but a concept. Yet I find myself lost in this sense of personal attack, personal challenge, a "me-me" inflicted with suffering, yet again when I observe the suffering of others. There is very much a "self" that I am experiencing whether it is a delusion or not. 

I will work on moving from the relative to the ultimate level.  In the mean time... Please pray, meditate, or send healing intentions their way, will ya? 

All is well! 

Testing the Desire to Write Here

 When we don't recognize when desire is present, we're simply lost in its distorting energy; when we are aware of it, it becomes part of the path of awakening.

Joseph Goldstein page 125

I had stepped away from my blogging for a couple of days this week.  Wanted to make sure I was not too attached to it or anything that I do on a regular basis. So on Tuesday, I told myself , "Nope!  Not going to write today! And maybe not for the rest of the week. "   

I felt a few pangs of desire but I held back on gratifying this hindrance.  (Can you tell I am reading Joseph Goldstein's Mindfulness: a Practical Guide to Awakening?).  I want a "luminous mind"..."free of desire , which is the basis for delight, joy, traquility, happiness, concentration, and insight." pg 125

I don't want my passion for writing to get in the way of my need for peace.  If that makes sense.  So every now and again I will just not show up here.  Until I can ascern if my motivation to come here is a hindrance to my waking up,  a "desire to do" that leads to clinging or , hopefully, a wholesome and skilful way to be... I will test myself by refraining from writing on occasion.

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein ( 2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Living Wisely

 Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.

The Buddha

A bit sad and shocked this morning. I was ancy all week thinking about this person whom I was helping with some of their care since May. This week, I could both observe and sense something was happening.  I knew he was failing as expected from his condition.  On Monday, I was planning on sitting down with the family and a nurse from the health care agency he was admitted under  in order to  come up with a care plan for the "when it is time" sort of thing. I thought we had time to make  these plans and prepare  when I left him and his wife on Thursday. 

But Life had other plans. He left this world 24 hours after my last visit. The "happening" progressed quickly and he died at home while the ambulance was about to transfer him....  He left his body as he had wished. The family only had to witness a portion of the suffering that could have been, the suffering I was expecting and was trying to help manage and diminish.  So I do call that a sweet blessing. 

Still...my heart swells with sadness...for the family and  for myself ( I will miss him and our visits). 

It made me think once again about the fragility of this Life we cling to.  It isn't anything "solid" that we can wrap our hands around. When the time comes, no matter how hard we are holding on, we cannot stop this transition from taking place. We have to let go when it is time to let go...whether we are willing to or not.  It isn't predictable either...we cannot set the time , place, and how of this inevitable passing when it is done naturally.  Life decides when it will be breathed in and when it will be breathed out.

Ironically, as I was awaiting the news of his passing I was also awaiting a call about a new beginning.  My son is expecting his second baby and I am on call to go look after my granddaughter while Mom and Dad are in the hospital bringing new life into the world. Mom was having contractions yesterday. So I waited with phone in hand all evening with the accumulation of this ancy gut feeling I was gathering all week twisting and twirling inside me. I found myself  wondering what it would be...birth or death...that I would hear of first.  It was what we call "death" that was brought to my attention. 

But what is death?  Is it really  the terminal ending our culture seems to  refer to in hush hush voices as we hide it away from our conscious awareness...or is it more?  Is it less? 

Is it not  simply a passing on of one way of being ( encased in flesh and mind) to another freer way of being? How free the essence of who we really are must be without the dense heaviness of body, and the frustrating 'craziness' of the mind to deal with.  

I see this person who has passed as "free". Life was breathed into the him we knew by his name, body, personality, thoughts and beliefs and when it expressed itself fully, through that incarnation with all its achievements and all its failures, all its blessings and all its struggles, all its joys and all its sorrows...it breathed itself out. Hmm! His "life" was all that existed from the first breath he breathed in and the last breath he breathed out but Life is so much more. 

Of course, his physical absence will be missed.  That is what we grieve but how can we grieve for his liberation? 

And to think it is possible to achieve this liberation while we are still encased in flesh and mind. We do not need to wait until our last breath in human form to be free.   Wow!  

So between the first  breath in and the first breath out...let's put away our fear of dying and fill that beautiful pause  we call living with wisdom, compassion and love.

Hmmm! Something to think about.

All is well. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 Happy Thanksgiving to all those who are celebrating gratefulness today.  I do not want to celebrate  nor do I wish to undermine   the  history of this day . Truth is too many suffered so that the settlers to this continent could have the abundance they were giving thanks for...thus transforming this day into somewhat of an unconscious holiday for their future generations.   Maybe we can get beyond that traditional significance  and transform the motivation for this day into one where we celebrate  gratitude for everyone and everything with equanimity  rather than history. 

Just saying! 

All is well! 

Recycling old pics again...my bad

Back and Forth in Seeing Clearly

 When you see only problems, you are not seeing clearly.

Phil Knight 

An Unrelated Question

I start by asking a technical question related to blogging that is totally unrelated to today's topic.  

Who and what is "other" on the stats page? The majority of  readers are under that designation of "other" and I see they are listed as coming from the United States.  But what does it mean?  Is it just a way that readers protect their anonymity?  Why does it leave me just a bit uncomfortable especially when I see on "other" days the "Lessons"  I did in 2018 are what is being read? 

Have no idea who these readers are and why I feel that gut thing.  I just do. I am, at the same time, grateful for the readership because it helps to inspire me to write. And that is what I am here to do. 

Going Back and Forth

Anyway...want to get back to yesterday's discussion on the going back and forth from habit mind to this new way of seeing clearly that I referred to yesterday as being guided by Grace. 

Friday morning, I sat down to write to someone I have been talking to about my living situation and the need for change.  When I wrote her, I was writing from a place of grace directed clarity.  I was looking at my situation from peaceful eyes and noting that "any suffering" I may have experienced related to this situation, had little or nothing to do with the people, events and happenings but with my creating story around them. I explained how  I was noticing that on some days everything "bothers" me and on others, the very same situations , or things that could be deemed as even "worse" by most others, did not bother me at all, concluding that my mind was the common denominator.  When my mind was operating from old habits and conditioning...I was bothered.  When it was operating from a higher level of awareness I was not.  I was explaining that the most important thing in my life right now is to learn to stay in this peaceful, clear perspective when I look around me...to not be consumed by thoughts about others, myself and circumstance that can quickly pull me into judgement, narrative, and a rationalization about why I should be upset. I want to detach to some degree and remain undisturbed regardless of what Life offers me...and I wrote how I was learning to do that even in this challenging living arrangement I have going on. While I was writing her I was experiencing peace, a soothing sense of detachment and a decreased need for "urgent change" even though the situation was far from pleasant or what would be deemed as "a healthy environment" by most mental health professionals. I could see so clearly how my mind was the culprit in any sense of suffering I might have, not the circumstances. It was very profound.

I walked away from my writing feeling a renewed committment to my mission to wake up, to place compassion, loving kindness and selfless service at the top of my priority list.  I decided to offer a physical service to another in need and was  looking forward to moving my body and mind as one unit in this endeavour.  It turned out to be a bigger and more challenging job than I expected.  Lovely while I was doing it.  I staid very mndful but it did  physically exhaust me. When I left that job to return to this situation I have going on here, with a few very obvious triggers brought to my attention, I suddenly found myself less peaceful. I was vulnerable to habit mind and somehow decided to follow it into its tale of "this shouldn't be" .  Just like that the ticker started acting up...the pelvic and abdominal pain came back with a venegance... and I guess, I fell from grace.  I was reactive to other people's unconsciousness...very reactive.  I was angry at myself...knowing , once again, that change had to be made. Realizing that change was not going to come with my simply saying, "Change has to be made now!"  I knew I  had to step up my level of assertiveness ten fold  which in those moments I did not have the energy to do. So I fell back into old patterns of resenting, resisting being repulsed, and beating myself up for these changes not being made.  I got swept up by the drama and story of this situation.  Once again, I became a "victim"  to others, circumstance and Life again. It happened so fast.

After a very rough night with the physical pain and overactive problem mind, I woke up cranky and so lost in this story. It was awful. And to top it all off we arranged to have the roof done that day because it was not going to handle another rain. (I had to borrow though I didn't want to and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to pay it back.) This added to my sense of victim in a problematic world mind.  I was not seeing clearly. I was angry and blaming others and Life for putting me in this situation. I was feeling absolutely miserable physically...exhausted, sick to my stomach, in pain.  Yuck!  I was setting myself up for a day of being on the couch. My mind was telling me that is all I could do and I was obeying.

The Question

As they were clammering above my head and I could see through the windows  the old tile coming down...I remembered what I learned about  the disquise Sloth and Torpor often arrive in. And I found myself asking, "Will curling up with this negativity help you in the long run? Maybe you should just try to do something other than this." I got up, got dressed and went outside to at least supervise if not assist.  I found myself  picking up a few of the old roof tiles and putting them in the bin...the next thing I knew I was lugging and tugging loads of the same.  I found myself bending down and putting all my energy into the simple process of taking old tiles from one place to another...back and forth, back and forth.  I was not attached to any outcome.  I was so in the moment. I was helping, moving my body, doing something productive and soothing at the same time. My depleted energy, instead of becoming more depleted, returned... my pain, though still there, was manageable.  I felt better.  I started working with the very people who I was resentful of only hours before...feeling kind and compassionate. My heart was open. I was truly enjoying this process.  I was calm and peaceful though active.  I found myself, once again, experiencing grace. Why?

I had stopped thinking, was removed and detached from this story I had. When I got out of my head I naturally stopped judging others...and though I could see their unconsciousness...I was no longer judging it or them for it. Everything natually without any effort from me fell into a state of Grace. 

The Moral

Once again I was reminded that when we experience suffering..Life is not the problem...mind is. We can all achieve grace without doing anything but being willing to step away from the stories we created in our minds about it. Sure we may slip back into   habit mind from time to time ...we may continue to go back and forth many times before we awaken fully but the most important thing is  that we keep making our way  back to peace everytime we realize we have slipped back into old habits. 

Life is so much easier and more peaceful when we see clearly. 

All is well! 

Grace or Confusion?

Spirit is in a state of grace forever. Your reality is only spirit. Therefore you are in a state of grace forever.-  ACIM

ACIM

I strongly feel to the point of "knowing conceptually "this point of truth  that we are all in a state of grace forever...but right now I just don't experience that grace directly. 

Confused

Sigh! ( and that is a pathetic sigh).  I am so confused.

I often write about being caught between dream state and a full waking up...between ego and this version of being I want to give the world...between gratifying "little me's" needs and those of the greater Self....between doing and being.  I am in an in-between state of  knowing grace conceptually and knowing grace directly. Knowing grace directly brings peace.

I also know in my heart that the source of all man's suffering is not life circumstance but our reaction to it. ...what the mind does. I truly, truly see that now...this is the beginning of grace. 

When we truly experience grace...we experience the serenity of simply allowing things to be.  We remain calm and undisturbed in the face of adversity.  We deal with the unconsious behaviour of others without getting all reactive. We stop blaming, judging, being repulsed by or angry over what others do or where they are at in their own process of waking up to grace. Other people cannot disturb our peace or add to it. We are okay with the impermanence of things and understand suffering better. We stop getting caught up in our stories and self made identities and see the deeper connection. We look out at the world with a calm, open, somewhat detached  and clear perspective. This is the wisest way to live. 

I know that!  I want to experience that knowing directly  more than anything! So I study, read, watch, listen and learn.  I practice and I pratice...and I am making my way there...I am waking up but I am still in the confused state of waking up...not sure what is real, wondering if I am still dreaming...half wanting to jump out of bed and at the same time wanting to close my eyes and go back to sleep because it is easier. 

Going Bak and Forth

When I deal with challenges like my present living situation...I see myself going back and forth between dealing with it calmly and peacefully and dealing with it reactively. I do  want to deal with this calmly, clearly, compassionately as I would if Grace was in charge.  But I often deal with it with my old, reactive habit mind.  

I find myself, angry, fearful, judging, repulsed, wanting to run away  and push away in regards to my present living situation. As a result of being occassionally onsumed by these twisted mind patterns my body is following suit. I am physically ill...this pelvic pain is now accompanied by abdominal pain, affecting my ability to eat (ulcer?).  I spend hours bent over every evening.  Some days are worse than others.  My heart is also responding to stress the way it does.  I am finding it very challenging to do anything physical.  I am so exhausted and my ability to assert myself has greatly diminished. This is where the challenge and confusion comes in.

Those whom I live with seem to believe as long  as I am not  saying "This has to change Now!", all is good.  So though I have and had many, many  sit down conversations about the need for this change, a stronger and more committed type of assertion is needed before change will happen.  And I don't seem to  havethat level of aggression and force in me. 

There is this intense feeling of guilt that arises with that. I tend to self deprecate because I see my not being able to be as assertive as needed here to make change as being an injustice not only  to myself (whoever or whatever that is)  but  to this person because it is enabling.  Yet when I am sometimes assertive in response to getting my needs met and when I confront the other's behaviours I feel guilty for reacting, for judging, for not being able to see beyond the unconscious behaviour, for not being compassionate enough and for not following through with my practice of selfless service.  When I see others taking advantage of my committment to "selfless service"  I get angry...then I feel guilty for being angry.  

How can I  get lost in aversion because others are seemingly taking advanatage of what I assume is "mine"  when there is no "me, mine or self"?  So I pull back into silence.  I try to detach.  I find space between me and them. And suddenly I feel grace.  I feel peace.

Until.... 

I feel peaceful, centered, in the arms of grace...until I am made aware once again that my needs, others needs and rights are not being considered.  Until I realise that this place is not being used as a place to heal but a place to hide while the need for instant gratification is fed regardless of  who might get hurt, until I am reminded that  I or others are enabling this  unwholesome energy. ...or until I reach into the fridge to find the last two drops of milk I asked to have saved for my tea is gone. :)

It is a very confusing time and when it comes to dealing with challenging situations like my living situation and the people involved I go back and forth from dealing with it from a higher perspective and dealing with it from a lower. 

Sigh! 

Why do we get  so confused between these states of being...on our way to grace?

I  wrote this back in February 2018. 

So here I am free falling into what I hope ( but do not know ) will be grace. I have no knowledge.  I have no perception of stable ground beneath me. I have no identity.  It's bloody scary!


 I am afraid of the landing even though I actively sought it.  So what do I do instinct wise- I grab onto ego thoughts and ideas, names and identities...anything that will break my fall. Yet, I am aware enough to know that if I grab onto anything I will go nowhere.  I will remain stuck.  I also know (or think I know because of my understanding of science lol)  that the softest landing is  one where I do not tense up and resist the impact.  So I feel like a mess because I am trying to cling, trying to let go.  I am trying to fall gently into grace and at the same time I am tensing up and resisting the fall.

That is where I am right now in my awakening. Not near the  grace I long for but getting there.  At this point I have this inner feeling that I do not need to do anything but continue falling. It is ego that tells me I have to grab, cling, fix this moment of free fall.  It is spirit that tells me to just lay back in the space and let the moment be.  Grace  already has her strong protective arms around me.  I am safe.  I was always safe even though I know nothing.

Maybe it is all grace...this confusion, this reaction, what my life situation offers me in the form of a learning lesson.  Maybe it is natural and okay to find ourselves reacting a bit ...clinging to some old mind habits...when we begin to wake up and free fall into grace. 

When I am confused over my dilemna...when I know in order to make changes I need to be more assertive but feel confused and guilty about doing so...I need to remember this quote I published in August.  I don't know if it helps or not?  

Embrace that you sometimes must use aggression and force to get others to back off if they have felt entitled to your energy, time and resources. Accept that this does not make someone like you narcissitic, irresponsible or entitled, but expresses your self love and dignity.

Doug Noll

Not Knowing

I have a hard time with "aggression and force" but maybe being strongly assertive is a part of my practice...I really do not know...I really do not know anything and that is another reason why waking up is so darned confusing.  All those things, ideas, and ways of doing we once were so convinced were  the only way to approach others, circumstances and  life with  crumble  into pieces and we realize we really do not know anything about anything.  That is a strange feeling...

It is then , I suppose , we must remind ourselves...that regardless of what seems to be happening around us, ergardles of how onfused we may feel in this waking up... we are  in a state of grace forever.   Grace will take us there. 

All is well! 

The inevitable is

 

It Just Is

It is...

it just is.

Maybe it won't last.

Maybe it will slip away tomorrow

or in the next moment...

maybe it will be gone before

you can exhale completely...

or maybe it will be the way

it is

until you discard your body

like  you drop a dirty and wrinkled outfit

before crawling into bed.

It is,

it just is.

Maybe you can change it, 

fix it,

make it better or 

at least, more pleasant

 for the next moment

or maybe you cannot.

Regardless...

it is,

as it is,

in this moment.

It just is. 

It is inevitable

as it is

right here,

right now. 

So take a deep breath

and accept 

the inevitability 

of it is...

© Dale-Lyn, October, 2021

A Sigh

 

God is an unutterable sigh, planted in the depths of the  soul.

Jean Paul

I want to let out a big sigh here...a big S-s-s-si-i-i-i-g-g-g-h-h-h-!!! Not a desperate frustrated type of sigh...but a sigh one exhales after a big, delicious meal when one is full and content but not quite done.  I am full, it seems of  so, so much learning that keeps coming and coming...and though I am full there is always room for more. I just want to keep eating.  

It is not glutteny or greed...just openeness.  As soon as I ingest...it flows through me in these sighs.  I sigh out this learning  in my family life...I sigh it out in my studio...I sigh in out in the caring for others that I am doing...I sigh when I experience nature through the lens of my camera and I sigh very deeply on  this page.  Every time I sigh... I just make room for more... each and every time. 

What I learn, what I see, what I experience,  what I gain I have no choice, it seems, but to give away.  These sighs are my giving away that which was never mine to cling to. I am gaining so much...but not for the purpose of hoarding and collecting in order to strengthen some idea I have of 'myself' ...but to have it just flow through me the way I believe it is meant to.   I guess, if I keep up with this...whatever this is I will be  filled but never full. ...spacious but never empty....gaining knowledge but never knowing.  

I cannot explain it.  It is so bizarre and so wonderful at the same time. 

All I can think to do is : Sigh! 

All is well! 

Loving Autumn

Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the Autumn tree. 

Emily Bronte

I absolutely love  early Autumn in my part of the world.  The light and colour is absolutely amazing! I love the weather...cool and crisp  in the morning and evenings, warmer during the days.  I love the smell of  a landscape ripened to completion.  I love the fact that Autumn offers us humans and other beings so much sustenance in the form of harvest, giving us an opportunity to collect and store for the less abundant months ahead. I, for example, am collecting the most beautiful apples from my overloaded trees out front, a gift from another generous being, and am in the process of making apple pies for myself and others. I intend to put many away for the bleaker times  as  a reminder of  the precious bounty offered up by these young trees filling  more than just our bellies.

 I especially love the light in Autumn.  It is lower than it is in summer, like that light before a sunset, casting a golden hue over everything. Oh man!  I just love the season.  The woods where I walk offer a wonderful space to soak it all up! And the horses in the field, love the apples we provide.

Love being alive! Don't you? 

All is well!  

Like Sunflowers

Sunflowers

 Great majestic heads,
crowned with rays of sun

bend gracefully 

in the early Autumn breeze.
Vibrant and reassuring,
offered up
so cheerfully
to the fluttering
and humming Life
 that passes by.

Life's breath flows unseen

through strong torsos, 
tall and erect

waving but unwavering 

against an ever changing 

landscape

Broad leafs,
extend outwardly,
 asking
for more 
of what is needed to
allow their beings
to dance,
accepting
with  shameless gratitude
nature's ever giving
bounty.

Roots,
I can not see,
stretch deep below
the visible surface
like elegant, pointed toes,
trusting without sight,
 delicately connecting
and
spinning into all that is.


I breathe and 

like the sunflowers

settle
into the breeze 

shared by my own
little existence,
supported and fed 

by this body
that holds me upright.
Reaching out
my trembling hands
I ask
for what is needed
to sustain me.
Blushing,
but getting past
my shame of needing;
I slowly,
ever so slowly ,
learn
to appreciate all that
lands on my
outstretched appendages. 

Like the sunflowers,
  I begin to trust  

that all
will be transformed
into that which  will
stretch and lengthen

this version of Life
as it expands 

toward the infinite space of sky.


Though I can not yet
see my own roots,
my own tattered and worn
point shoes,
I imagine them there
extending
and reaching out
to the Source of everything.
I let go and do my best
to trust the
perfect  flow and rhythm of
 nature's dance,
allowing the music of Life
to open me up

to all that is.

Like
the dancing sunflowers,
I am freed.

© Dale-Lyn : July, 2020

Virya and the Five Hindrances

 Don't Watch the Clock; Do What it Does. Keep Going!

Sam Levenson https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/keep-going-quotes

Hmm!  Right now it is almost one in the afternoon and I am just coming here.    I allot the first three- four waking hours of my Life as a retired human being to my spiritual development.  

My  Morning Practice 

Now, I realize the word "spiritual" here will trip people up.  What I mean is I allow time each day for calming, healing and opening my mind and heart, which technically is  what is offered in most spiritual processes. Maybe my motivations have changed somewhat in that  I am no longer putting all my focus on  getting to heaven when I die...I am trying to get to peace now. I am working on my mind. So I get up, sit in quiet solitude while I drink my tea; I listen or read something inspirational related to waking up to a higher level of awareness; I do a set of sun salutations, a short walking meditation around the house, and then I sit to meditate. I fill out today's entry in my gratitude journal and write a blurp in my devotional.  After that I come here to write, learn, teach...whatever it is I am doing.  Only then do I feel equipped to go "out there".

Well, I feel a little discombobulated because my routine did not go smoothly this morning. I did not embrace solitude like I expect to do each morning.  D. was home. I found myself slipping in my committment to be device-less and disconnected from social media for the first three hours and began answering texts and emails. I tried multitasking two very important spiritual tasks I do every morning...meditating while I listened to some profound teacher.  (Not wise). When it came time to come here and write for learning and teaching purposes...I couldn't get into my computer right away ( the poor old thing is dying- overloaded, and overworked. ).  It took me an hour and a half just to get to the point I could type here. So my three hour spiritual practice is going to be a lot longer. Sigh! I am feeling a little more than frustrated

First of all, I realize through this reaction I am having that though committment and routine is important in any practice we should not be too attached to  any of it! I can look at this also and use it as another example in my real life experience with the five hindrances. 

The Five Hindrances

According to Buddhist psychology there are five things that get in the way of us getting to that calm, clear, non reactive  mind that we may be practicing yoga, meditation, religion or whatever in order to attain. These five hindrances are: desire, aversion(ill will), sloth and torpor, worry and restlessness and finally skeptical doubt. 

Desire: Desire gets in the way because it leads to craving and a seeking of something "out there" to make us feel better "in here"  or fill in some hole we assume we have within.  If I am "wanting" from a place of ego...well that wanting is going to get in the way of attaining that which is truly beneficial to me and others...my peace of mind. Peace is already in me... I won't find it anywhere out there ...Yet there I was this morning  desiring everything in my world to accomodate my routine and quite upset that it wasn't. 

Aversion: Anger, resentment, frustration, blame, judgement , hatred etc are all feelings that push the moment away. As long as I am pushing the moment and whatever it offers away because it does not meet some idea I have of how it should be ...I am closing my heart.  A closed heart is a numb, unloving  heart and a numb, unloving heart cannot experience peace. Peace comes from a heart that allows everything in. Well...this morning I found myself closing...I was closing to D.'s presence a bit.  I was closing to the fact that my morning was not going the way I wanted and expected it to; and I was closing to this computer in a less than calm and centered  way.

Sloth and Torpor: we talked about this a day ago.  This low energy state that pulls us away from the action necessary in this process of waking up and leads us to check out in a myriad of ways...is I beleive...the epidemic of our culture. 

Worry and restlessness: A monkey mind that jumps about and pulls us in one direction and then another can be very distarcting .  We will be so busy watching the activity and antics  of the restless mind, we won't be able to see the clear and peaceful mind behind the performance.  We really need to sooth this mind.  And worry...well the greek translation for the root of the word means to strangle and that is what worry does ...it strangles our awareness  of the peace within with all the"what if's" and "Oh nos!" it distracts us with. I allowed both worry and restlessness into my morning.

Skeptical Doubt:  All it takes is a bit of "I am not sure if this going to work" or "I don't think I am meant to have peace" for our faith in the process to crumble. I found myself sayng to  D. today, after letting out a few less than peaceful words to the computer, "I don't think I am supposed to be writing here, maybe. Maybe taht is what the Universe is telling me."  

Virya

Hmm! I was going to quit but a little voice in me beneath the desire, aversion, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry and the doubt...said: 

 "No! You are going to finish your practice. Yes...recognize how these hindrances are a part of your mental state right now and do not beat yourself up for the fact that they are there...but at the same time don't listen to their arguments. Complete your practice...even if it is a bit longer than normal, a bit more  jumbled and chaotic this morning.  Let go of the need to have it go smoothly and perfectly...it does not have to be perfect, it just has  to be. Note the frustration and anger but Don't close that heart! Put a little energy and effort into getting into your computer (balance that sloth and torpor with its counterparts) . Note the worry and restlessness but  remember...it is just a show in the forefront...it will pass and you will see the peace that is the background waiting. Replace that smidgeon of doubt with a mustard seed of faith...that is all it will take. You got this! Persevere!" 

Keep Going!

Viriya...which is our willingness to keep going, to exert efort and energy...will get us past the five hindrances. It helped me this morning...or otherwise I wouldn't be about to write:

All is well in my world!