What do we do with what is given to us?

 What is given to us in this lifetime doesn't matter as much as what we do with it.

Jack Kornfield ( paraphrasing some  Buddhist wisdom) 

Sorry...been away for a while working on something else. And to be honest, I am still feeling a little uncomfortable writing here since I discovered that soemone or something was tampering.

Anyway...

I came across this quote this morning in a previous entry and it seemed so timely.  I spent a great deal of my morning praying for a certain guidance and support on how to deal with the same similiar circumstances that keep showing up in my life, especially in regards to health seeking and my present living situation. And every single time it takes me back to original trauma in a flash.  

Man ...when am I going to learn what I need to learn so I can get beyond these repetitive circumstances?  

As far as the health seeking: The test result came back and it, as I feared, does not even mention the left ovary to explain where the left sided pain is coming from.  It does say there is a cyst on the right ovary and recommends a repeat testing  in a year. ...but what about the left side where the  pain is?...not a word! I know I should be very relieved...no obvious mass to explain the pain but I was hoping for a cyst, at least, so I could say, "ahhh....that is what is causing the pain." 

As long as the scientific part of my mind does not have an explanation for why something is the way it is, it doesn't rest. The pain is telling me something, as is my dream. Someting is going on.

The pain indicates something needs to be looked at!  I have a high pain threshold ...like I don't even notice anything on the right side...but I am definitely having pain on the left side...there is definitely something going on there...and there was something that caused the bleeding...because there was bleeding! I was hoping to know what that something was and became so depleted when I witnessed how the old patterns of "I don't know"  are repeating...Whathever it is...I just want to know.  

There  will be more tests ordered, more trips to specialists and the vicious cycle of waiting and waiting and waiting without ever getting an explanation of what is going on in my body continues. I do not want the tests!!! I do not want the visits!!!I do not want to be at the mercy of this waiting game...the same game I was on for the breast mass from Novemeber 2019 until December 2020...I still don't know what that was and is going on there. For my heart issue ...symptoms started in 1993 and I now have a few mini diagnosis' but not a clear picture or explanation. Telling me what something  isn't, does not tell me what it is!  

 I just want to know what my body is doing on a physiological level...that's it! Tell me what it is doing on this level so I can deal with it on the deeper level. What I want is peace of mind not more waiting and focus on the body!

I have spent so much of my time and life energy on waiting for someone to explain to me, in a way that  makes sense to my fairly intelligent mind, what is going on physically within me.  I know disease, illness etc  is all psychosomatic in some way.  I get that.  I know that healing goes far beyond some diagnosis and treatment...but... I also feel that I cannot heal what I do not understand. Why am I not getting answers?  Why does my seeking answers always end up the same way? This  circumstance of waiting, not knowing, suffering without support becasue of...keeps repeating.  Why? 

I am probably right about my guess that it is some endometriosis adhesion that doesn't show up on ultrasound because I had in 2017, again in 2019 and the pain usually starts after the bleeding but will I ever have someone tell me that is what it is? I truly doubt it and my pain will not be taken into consideration. Why?  Because no one else can see it. I was probably right about the mass on my breast too ...which could be seen and felt...when I said from the beginning...it is a "ductal ectasia"...that made absolute sense to me but no one  came out and told me that is what it was.  They just said for well over a year ..."It looks like it might be cancer."....then"It doesn't seem to be cancer but we have to rule it out"...then "this is a concerning sign and that is a concerning sign, might be cancer" ...then "doesn't appear to be cancer." 

So what was it? What about the pain? Nothing 

The dream told me so clearly that something would be happening in my pelvic area ..not life threatening now but if I do not make some changes soon it will be. It was the clearest message in a dream I have ever had. (And I have had many such messages that manifested in waking life) . Two days later the bleeding started; 5-6 days later the pain started and has yet to be relieved. I can probably dismiss the pain but can I dismiss  the dream? 

That brings me to the other thing I seek support and guidance in...my living situation.  Was my dream telling me that if I staid in this situation where my energy is constantly being drained and not replenished, if I continued to endure this perpetual state of stressors...what is going on in my body now will become life threatening as a manifestation of these circumstances? And I can see that in my mind's eye...I can see that happening.  I have detiorated significantly in the last six months in terms of physicality and energy/coping  reserves. 

So that  is where I am at and that is why I am praying for guidance and support so I see clearly where I am to go with this.  

And then what quote do I run into that goes "Ting...ting..ting" when I read it...the above.  

It is not about what is happening to me or around me...it is what I am doing with it.  Am I reacting or responding?  Am I being guided by ego or the wise Self? Am I resisting or noticing, accepting, embracing and letting go? 

Oh man...I have some more contemplation to do. Sorry about boring you with this rampage but it just came out through my fingertips when I sat down to write this morning.

All is well.