Waking Up in a Busy World: PTSD and Triggers

PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of major proportions with massive repercussions.

Susan Pease Banitt

Trauma Triggers and Reactions

I have come so far in life, in terms of healing from past trauma. I really have but there is still one trigger that sends me spiralling backwards into my unconscious pain in what seems like a sneeze. That trigger is nursing. It...and more specifically the imposter syndrome I was never ever able to grow away from in my 30 years of nursing... has this undetermined power, it seems, to drown me in fear and shame. I dream about it at night and in these dreams I am flondering around making mistakes and doing harm. I still, to this day, ruminate over the mistakes I may have made in nursing school or in those early years, and in order to accomodate the mind's negativity, I forget or dismiss all the wonderful and brilliant things I was able to do for or give to patients and students in this role over the years. I focus only on what I did or could do wrong. I will even over-think for hours or days when I leave a situation where "I acted like a nurse" in someone else's presence...going over and over again...what I should or should not have said or done, what I could have done better etc. And this pattern of mental over kill happens so fast. It seems I don't have time to prepare for it...The trigger is pulled...the blast hits...and I am thrown back 45 years into the source of it all where I will stay for much longer than is comfortable.

I recently went for an involuntary swim in a very familiar and deep pool of inadeqaucy...by agreeing to help out people I care very much about and whom I would love to help. I performed a (normally self-care procedure) I was not completely prepared for ( my responsibility only) and which I would have performed hundreds of times in the past...but not on this particular person with an individual set of conditions and needs.

Shot!

The all too familiar thought arose as soon as it was finished, "Are you sure you didn't do more harm than good? You are not really a nurse, you know!" It was like : What the ...?; where the heck did that come from?" The thought would not go away! My fairly peaceful and serene mind that I had worked so hard at establishing slipped away. I got shot with a trauma bullet out of nowhere it seemed ( though it really was not out of nowhere.) I was instantly filled with ruminating, self depreciating thoughts and feelings of worry and dread. It happened so fast and it was mentally overwhelming.

Because I was away from that feeling for so long it felt even more awful in contrast to the peace I have been experiencing since I put my professional role down. I was reminded how that type of mental noise constantly filled my mind when I was in uniform or lab coat. I realized just how bad it was for me all those years I nursed. Why I wanted to avoid it, Why I got sick in that role.

Not the Trigger but the Trauma

Now I know that the cause for my lack of mental peace has little to do with the circumstance or nursing. It is not the nursing role...or the procedure ( well a little bit...I am rusty and I was probably never meant to be a nurse) ...The source of my "suffering" goes much deeper and much farther back than yesterday. In fact, ironically, I literally could look out the window of the place I was at and see the place where it all began...a place I lived a life time ago.. It was a double whammy trigger.

The mental pain followed me around nagging and distracting, keeping me from being able to focus on what was happening in my present moment. I could not walk away from it. I think it surprised me more than anything. "Wow! I am suddenly back here, thinking and feeling this way! I thought I was more evolved than this. I thought I was all over this nonsense." Well, I am obviously not!

Trauma Recovery: A Life long Process

Trauma pain , I am learning, does not go away. We can learn to spend a great deal of our time in the present moment despite it as I have learned to do but if something pulls the trigger...chances are you are going to feel the sting of the bullet finding its mark. We will have a PTSD reaction. My trauma pain is greatly diminished and very, very mangeable these days, true; even this reactivation is manageable but the trauma pain is still there and will be activated whenever Life touches my stuff. And Life is going to touch my stuff! That is a given.

Improving!

What I can do differently now, that I did not have the skill set to do in the years I actively nursed, is observe my mind and body...observe this particular pattern of mental behaviour that comes from trauma induced fear and shame. It is so cool to notice where I am feeling it in the body; notice what types of thoughts are flittering around in my head; notice how these thoughts are preventing me from truly focusing and being in the present moment. It really is quite amazing to be able to see what is going on.

I can also understand it all better and thus accept this post trauma reaction in me because I do know where it all comes from. That way I am not only more accepting of it but also of myself.

I used to beat myself up ...causing suffering on top of suffering for my PTSD and my inability to avoid the extreme reactions I had to triggers. But now that I see it all so clearly ...it makes it easier to deal with. That doesn't mean I don't feel the anxiety, fear, shame or that my mind is able to ignore all those uncomfortable thoughts that are popping up in my head but I simply notice, feel, allow, accept and understand. I am much, much more gentle with myelf and accepting of what is.

Point of this big long speil? In managing triggered reactions in PTSD we couild benefit by:

accepting the fact that trauma pain and memory will not go away completely and will likely have some impact our lives forever.
facing your triggers and therefoe your pain. Sure be aware of your triggers and maybe limit the expereinces to some degree but do not avoid all triggers all the time. I am learning that facing this nursing trigger will help me to deal and make my way through my trauma pain.
Noticing your reaction to triggers. When you are suddenly feeling a good dose of shame and fear, ask yourself, "Is this a PTSD thing?" Then watch what your mind is doing, what your emotions are doing, what your body is doing?
Making a seperation between what you are experiencing and you, as the observer...that way you will not get lost in the reaction.
Not resisting: Don't resist it and don't get yourself all rawled up thinking and saying things like, "This should not be! This is wrong!" It is what it is...you have had some trauma, it got stuffed inside you somewhere and Life came and poked at it...causing an emotional reaction in you. Might not have been pleasant but it is what it is. Lean into it ...not away.
Allowing and embracing these reactions to triggers as learning opportunities. I am learning to say, "Oh this is just a reaction to a trauma trigger I am experiencing. Hmmm! That is interesting...look how it makes me think and feel...hmmm...I wonder what Life wants me to do with this? What about the original source of it...am I to look a little more into that? etc"
being compassionate and patient with self. Healing from trauma is a life long process and the last thing you need right now is an enemy in your mind. You have had enough of that kind of suffering, haven't you? Be a friend to yourself, and that means learning to be friendly with trauma and these yucky reactions to triggers.
Speaking your trauma to someone else...or at least tell a trusted someone, "I am feeling anxious or worried or ashamed right now because this thing has triggered some truama pain in me." Just by saying out loud that there is a trauma pain and a trigger makes it all more real for you and less ominous and lonely making. Chances are the person will understand. They may even be able to relate becasue of their own expereince with trauma .