On Being Honest and Authentic

The more honest and authentic we are, the more deeply we go into the mystery of our own being...
- Adyashanti (https://quotefancy.com/quote/1710637/Adyashanti-The-more-honest-and-authentic-we-are-the-more-deeply-we-go-into-the-mystery-of)

Sometimes I read what I write and I say to myself, "Man!  Is that really me?  Can't be.  I don't write like that...I don't talk like that...I don't think like that...at least not out loud or in public, do I?  That's not like me to pray in front of others or to share such soul intimate stuff, is it? "

And for a moment...just a moment I will find myself caring what people think...worried about how it will make 'me' look.  I slip back into ego and its need to preserve this 'idea of me' I and the world created. This idea of me does not yet embrace the whole of me or the real authentic me and it is quite sure the world won't either...it is superficial like most egos. So I slip back into lower end thinking & feeling  and wonder if I said too much, exposed too much. I doubt.

Is it safe to be this honest?

Part of me wants to go back and take every intimate piece off the site and tuck it away somewhere in the sock drawer of 'saved drafts'. This same ego part of me, that also likes to share the written word,  will then justify itself..."Well no one reads this anyway... it really isn't public.  So it is safe to write and speak like this here but nowhere else okay? Get it out of your system!"

Then I realize that this is all ego talking. I see how dependent on 'ideas of me' the ego is.  How it backs the little me and not the 'deeper I' that so wants to come out.  The ego wants and needs that sense of belonging it gets from other egos so it is afraid to step on toes or alienate itself by being different.  The deeper I doesn't need it.  The deeper I needs to express Itself fully and honestly...otherwise it feels all contracted up.

The deeper I wrote that yesterday and meant every word of it.  It wants Its freedom from the prison of 'little me's' mind. It wants to release others too. In order to do that I have to be honest don't I? I have to be willing to risk rejection and scorn, ridicule and contempt.  "I have to me!' lol

Man!  I just want a little peace in my life. I am so tired of experiencing life as 'a victim of circumstances' and being controlled by the thoughts in my head.  I want to get out of that prison!  Don't you? 

I assume you want to be happy too...that you want peace too. (Even if you are not consciously aware of that need at this point lol). Don't you want to go home to that mental space where all is calm and peaceful no matter what is going on around It?

Anyway...I am no expert, no Guru, no enlightened master...just another person seeing the light through the crack and squeezing my way through it.  If I get through...it would only be the human thing to do to go back and show others the way through too, wouldn't it?

That is what this blog is all about, I guess.  It is what I am about now too.  Weird when I think about it but true. If I am truly honest with myself and others, this is where I am at in my life, like it or not.

All is well in my world.