Forces of Nature

We are just forces of nature with a sense that there is a person there until it is not.
Suzanna Marie (Davidya.ca)


Hmmm!  How beautiful and simple that seems.  Is it really as simple as all that??

I am trying to make sense of this journey of waking up I am on.  It is a bizarre little journey that I seem to have no control over.  I am completely and utterly confused most times lol.  Nothing seems to make sense to me.  I have a hard time understanding any of it...at the same time I cannot seem to focus or accomplish anything in my physical world...in my old ego known life. I feel pulled from both ends.  Nothing is stable.

 I have set out, then, to listen, compare  and learn from others' experiences.I am glad to find out that I am not alone.  I am  not the only person who has ever gone through this....far from it  :)  Many, many people are coming to the same understandings I am...maybe in somewhat different ways but I am not alone. That allows me to depersonalize my own experience somewhat...to see it not so much as something "I" am going through but as the particular way the Life force is being expressed through this 'little me'.

How is it being expressed through me at this point?


Through Thoughts and words?

I can intellectualize all this....even though it is not an intellectual experience.   I can put it into words...even though it is something to be experienced rather than explained.  It is like someone or something is inputting all the Truth into me and I am downloading it on the page.  It is automatic and quick...natural.  I seem to have little control over that even.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be writing about awakening at this point in my life.  Still...I do...again and again. This is how it is happening in me...this is how Life is being expressed through me. This is how I am waking up.

But who is "I" and who is waking up?  This 'I", that I am, is realizing intellectually, at least, that I am merely a force of nature who is as of yet still clinging to a sense of person.  That's why I feel pulled and unstable. I haven't yet let go of my sense of person. 

Saying to Life, "You Win!"

I haven't yet truly began to trust that Life knows what it is doing, that is guiding me and supporting me.  I am still clinging to 'me' and resisting Life  to some extent.  I am still afraid, for all kinds of reasons, to give up this need to control so that the 'Force of Nature' can just Be.

It is not like I haven't been given the opportunity to submit. Life keeps throwing circumstances at me, with the intention, maybe, of getting me to put my hands up and say, "Okay you win...I give up.  We will do it your way!"

I have already conceded so much. I have accepted and let go of so many things and diminished my sense of person.  I did give up, to a great extent, on my need to control and 'fix' my health situation...I have totally put aside my need to get diagnosis and appropriate treatment from allopathic medicine. I gave up on that! I have given up a job and my professional identity when I realized that my body and life  limitations were beyond my control.  I let Life have that one. I have certainly given up any dependence on material wealth...my bank account attests to that one.  :)

Still clinging to a need to 'do', find and fix.

Yet I am still clinging somewhere, still fighting, still consumed with the need to do 'something' to make this better, to fix my parenting crisis' and at the same time  find harmony between Self and self until there is no self, just Self ! (That is the spiritual equivalent to 'How much wood, can a woodchuck chuck lol)

I feel like there are things I gotta 'do' and gotta 'find' both in ego's world and in the greater one. Yeah...I am still hung up on doing...When I don't do...I feel so guilty and so unsettled.

I keep thinking that if I felt more peace...more ease..if my life circumstances became less chaotic...this would all be signs that 'I am there'.  I would be a better being for those I love.  And though I have precious moments of peace...I feel so much chaos!  Man...I don't know lol.  I don't know anything.  I just know I am not there yet!  And that is okay! I just have to be where I am, right here and right now.  Eventually, whatever remains of this  sense of person will disappear.  I am confident of that.:)

It is all good!



References:

Davidya (November 19, 2016) On the Falling Away of Self-Adyashanti and Suzanna Marie. Davidya.ca.  Retrieved from https://davidya.ca/2016/11/19/on-the-falling-away-of-self-adyashanti-and-susanne-marie/