Just breathe.  Sometimes  you are just a few breaths away from feeling better.
Amy Poehler

At this moment I am not as well as I would like to be. 

I experienced my forth sleep deprived night in a row because of the shoulder and my inability to get comfortable for more than a few hours at a time.  Well...last night was better...I found a position I could sleep in and I did sleep off and on until 3 ish.  After that everything negative seemed to join in with the throbbing shoulder...chest pain...nausea...noticed my eyes were all puffy...and of course the thoughts and dreams when I was able to sleep were bizarre.  So I am not feeling 100% .  As I walk around I realize that indeed the ticker is acting up (weighed five more pounds this morning than I did 4 days ago...fluid is back!!)  but I proceed with my attempt to feel better. 

Still Determined to Feel Better

It is challenging. At this point it is very easy to slip back down the emotional ladder. 

I already find myself from time to time feeling sorry for myself...like such a victim...slipping from there to shame for letting myself get to this point...I crawl back up to self pity and from there anger and blame.  So I am at blame (with a tendency to want to drop to self pity)...which is better than shame. 

What can I do to feel better now?

I can crawl up to acceptance which is really not that much of an incline,  right?  (Remember my ticker is acting up...so inclines are extra challenging :))  I want to blame others for not supporting me enough, not caring enough about my experience...for leaving me all alone in this.  Counter that thought:  I remember that I do have legitimate support in D. and my kids.  I do have some support from my family.  More importantly...I am realizing...I do not need support...I do not need people to understand and to care.  It would be nice but my well being does not depend on that...it depends on me.  (That makes me feel much better).  I can pray and get help there...which is an unconditional type of support. 

Right now I do not feel well but I am not alone in this.  I do have support both the physical and the beyond physical kind.  I will be okay.  It is not so much about how I feel physically anyway...right...or what is happening or not happening in my life, right?...it is about how I feel.  My life depends on how I feel...and that part is totally up to me.  I chose to feel better...right now!

All is well