Feel Better

Breathe.  It is just a bad day, not a bad life!
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I am feeling somewhat better than I did yesterday.  I slept better for the most part...as long as I stay in that one position all night that prevents the shoulder from rolling forward...I am great.  Anyway...the dogs sometimes have different ideas.  I was awakened a couple of times by their shuffling and pulling the blankets off me or lying on top of me. But I was able to stay in my position and keep the shoulder from paining. So it was a better night.  I did wake up with the eyes a little puffy and I am not going to weigh myself .  It is what is I guess...or it is what it isn't (according to some folks out there). 

Feel Better Despite What is going On

My goal is to feel better...not worse...but as if on cue with the instigation of this commitment things come flying at me again:

•   I get a subpoena to appear in court related to that accident in July I was a first responder at...my immediate and intuitive intention was to do good then, to help...and now I may hurt. 
• I wake up yesterday to a ticker that is acting up and the weather instead of cooperating...is brutal for my condition...cold and windy.  
• On the one day...I am feeling so awful I can't drive...I am expected to do more driving than usual and D. , the guy I have been depending on to help with that chore when I feel I cannot...is not around to help.  So that is on the back of my mind all day, "How am I going to drive...how am I going to take her  there, and there and there...I should not be driving today etc etc..." 
• I go into work with that heavy chest and nausea only to find my office brutally hot...to the point it is making me want to pass out...
• I open the window...the wind is so cold and brutal coming in it gives me chest pain...so it was one of those damned if you do and damned if you don't scenarios.  I have to settle with the weak feeling. 
• I get calls from people who need me...when all I want to do is crawl up on the couch.  So I go out again and again...to support, advise and to be there for certain people(and animals) in need. (at their request). 

Between the Moments of Chaos

In between these things ...I staid present during...but in between I felt my thoughts and my feelings dipping...constantly dipping.  I felt this unease, I can't explain...this desire to cry or just pack my bags and go away by myself somewhere. I felt the physical symptoms more intensely.  It was so weird.

When I was dealing with whatever I had to deal with...I was so there, so in the moment, efficient, productive...but when I was in between all the things on my list yesterday...I noticed my emotional vibration??? The relief hit at about 7 ish when I was finally home again...D. called and he said he was bringing home supper ( one thing off my list) and I knew he would do the rest of the driving for the night.  That relief was sweet...and looking back and seeing how much I did...was sweet.  I accomplished  a lot for others which made me feel good...but it isn't about what we do, is it?    Well I suppose while I was doing...I was feeling okay...just in between sucked! Ugh!!!

What is the point of this big long spiel. 

Maybe with our intention to feel better...we are going to be hit with the contrast head on...the contrast reminds us of what we want.?  Maybe when we think we are on our way  downstream ...we are actually stuck in an eddy...and have to work a bit more at getting out of it?  I don't know...I really don't. Still committed to feeling better...one thought and one emotion at a time.

All is well.