Be independent of the need for the good opinion of other people.
Abraham Maslow

Be Independent of...

I love this quote...I made it a part of my daily  mantra a long time ago.   What about you? Are you more externally validated or internally validated?  Whose standards to you live your life by...your own or everyone else's?

Growing Beyond the Need for External Validation

I do my best to live by my own but it isn't always easy. I must say though...I am getting better at it.  At one point in my life I was very dependent on external validation.  I was more concerned about people liking me then I was about liking them.  If someone did not like me, rejected me, neglected me  or criticized me, I would be devastated and do my best to prove them wrong...to turn the tables so they accepted me.  I wanted to fit in...so I conformed as much as I could and avoided  "standing out" and "speaking up." I cared very, very much about how I appeared.

As I grow up and away from my need for the good opinion of others (and it is a slow process) I find I care less about other opinion of me.  I do not want to conform and care little if I fit in.  In fact,  I feel myself pulling away from society a little bit. I don't want to fit in.

I don't like people lol

I am noticing there is a lot of people I don't like out there.  Well...let's focus on behaviour...there is a lot of behaviour I don't like out there.  :) 

I was at one time willing to ignore behaviour in my quest to please.  I was more concerned about these individuals liking me than I was about liking them.  Those tables have turned. Though I tolerate behaviour that I do not like...I do not accept it in my life so easily anymore.  It is much easier to speak my mind and  walk away or simply avoid people I consider to be toxic to my well being (or just plain annoying).

I have no intentions of hurting these people...I just do not want to be surrounded by behaviour and attitude that brings me down in anyway.  I am also standing out more and more and speaking up about what I believe in, despite what others may think of me because of it. 

What is more important than other opinion

What is more important to me now...is what I believe; what I feel; what I think.  I have a sense of morals and values I go by and I do not need sanctioning from others. I do not feel the need to conform to society's standards anymore and am constantly questioning those standards.  I choose the ones that feel right and leave the others behind. I do not need to look good by someone else's standards or put a cent into outside appearance, either.

I have not worn any make up in about ten years with the exception of lipstick maybe at a wedding or something.  I literally have not had a professional haircut in over two years.  I have given away over 60 % of my clothing in January...so God knows what I am covering my body with these days.    I have no desire to impress on the level of appearances. 

Am I there then?

No...absolutely not but I am getting there. I still get embarrassed some times...when I find myself standing next to some one dressed to the nines and I look down to see my only pair of black pants covered in dog fur....but that is becoming the norm...so I am getting used to that too.  :)

I also still react to criticism, exclusion and rejection...perceived or real...especially at work...but it doesn't knock me over like it used to.  It is like a sting I draw back from and I shake it off and keep going.  (I had a lot of rejections or exclusions from editors and agents over the last couple of years and it has toughened me up!  lol). 

I am still very embarrassed about the state of my home and that has a lot to do with social standard and other opinion ( as well as not feeling personally comfortable in it and feeling I am responsible).

I still feel great shame for my situation with health and my limited work hours.  I don't like to speak out about those things at all except to the people directly involved. 

I have no problem admitting to my poverty ( if one would call it that...I find that word hard on my tongue...because I do not believe any of us are poor...but according to the standards of others...my bank account numbers and my debt could be deemed socially as poverty...but I am not poor!).  Let's just say I have no problem saying "I can't afford that right now." "I have debt" or "I might go bankrupt or lose the house " but I do have a problem saying:  "...because I am only working a few hours a week.  I am not well enough to work more."   These things make me uncomfortable partly because of what others may think, and  that triggers what I personally think about my health situation. I still haven't accepted it completely.

This Blog

 Then there is this blog...which is a testament to my growth as well as my need to grow more.  I would never have been able to write so openly about these topics a few years back.  Though I was so excited and thrilled by what I was learning and wanted to share,  I would have been too afraid of offending others and being rejected for my views. Even now when I write...I do not publicize my blog...tell few people about it.  I don't put it out there for my social media friends to click into which would make my readership grow if only because of curiosity...

I am still not ready for that much standing out yet. Few people even know I write.  Attachment to good opinion is still evident here to some extent. At the same time, having limited readership bothers me because it means I am not doing what writers are meant to do...connect...but it is safe.  I don't risk criticism and rejection which I honestly believe I could handle.  So why am I not putting this out there more?

I didn't like seeing the "No" in "No comments...It seemed to add negative to a very positive experience for me. It left me feeling invisible and devalued maybe...so I took it upon myself to change it.  I am committed to writing a comment on each of my blog entries everyday...partly to remove the negative from this experience ( No is a negative) and partly to stroke my ego. 

Not quite There Yet...

Yeah I still have a need from time to time to stroke the old ego which is, of course,  completely dependent on the good opinion of others.  Yuck!  I don't like when I catch myself feeding my ego's need for external valdiation but I still do. So I definitely still have some growing to do in this area but I am getting there.  I really am. 

It is very, very freeing to leave behind the need for other opinion...very freeing.  I wish that for everyone. 

So where are you on this?   

I hope you too are finding the freedom...if only in a small amount at a time ...that comes with being independent of the good opinion of others.

All is well in my world!