Un-ease and Dis-ease

By prevailing over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination.
Christopher Columbus

I sit here on this sunny Saturday morning, with a list beside me of things I want to write about.  There are so many things.  How do I tie them in together?  I do not know.  We will see how it goes.  I just  trust the flow when I come here.  I  let the words, thoughts, ideas come out.  I but breathe, I guess.

Un-ease and Dis-ease

As I have written in the last couple of entries, I am feeling  the effects of "unease"...and "dis-ease."  In other words...I am not yet experiencing the ease I long for.  And the question is why? 

I  know, in a sense,  what my life purpose is now...I am to learn and to teach (in some way...I don't know the hows)  that the only thing preventing us from becoming all that we can be is our thinking.  I have been doing the research work, gaining the knowledge, attempting to apply what I am learning...I can see now the direction, if not the specifics of where to go.

Yet ...I am still not feeling the ease in flow toward that purpose.  I mean...I feel great when I think about it...it  seems like a natural course of action and being for me...but ...just as I am learning something new or revisiting an important part of that learning...I am zapped, it seems, with negative contrast to deal with.  I find myself rolling down the hill into unease, disease and negativity. 

Resistance

Yuk!  I am obviously resisting this purpose for some reason and my resistance is leading to this "uneasy" feeling and the resurfacing of bodily symptoms.  I am resisting the very thing that feels so natural and good to me.  I am flowing upstream away from it.  Does that makes sense?

I see the effects of this resistance.  As I wrote on January 21st...resistance equates to crankiness in me. I have less patience for the things that are occurring around me...probably because I see how they interfere with my flow.  If I have things in my life that are counterproductive to me getting to where I want to be...I recognize and resist  them more  than I have ever did. 

An aha moment

Oh my goodness!  I am having an aha moment right here!  I am not resisting the flow toward what I want to do in life...I am resisting the rocks and eddies along the way that could slow me down or  prevent me from getting there.  I know, in some deep level of my being, if I  get stuck in an eddy ...I have to pole my way out of it....that's going to slow me down. I am either poling my way out of these reverse currents now or doing what I can to prevent getting stuck in one. That's why I feel stuck at times. 

If I  see a rock,  I feel this subconscious pull in the form of discomfort to make me aware enough so I get around it.  I am just so much more aware at some level, I cannot even understand, of these things that will interfere with me getting there.  It is not that I am focusing on these negative things and drawing them into my experience...it is that I have gone  a bit too far in my desire not to focus on them ...that I have become blind to them. 

My body is telling me that they are still there...there are always going to be bumps along the road...that's okay...I just need to be aware of them on a primal level so I don't hit them at the speed I am going.  This bodily and emotional unease I feel right now...is not working against me...it is working for me.

Heading Downstream

Oh I am heading downstream alright...and I am going  at quite a clip ...some inner voice is telling me if I hit a rock now ...it isn't going to be pleasant.  So my inner sense is allowing me this in tune perception to see what might pop up in front of me before I hit it ...it is getting me physically and emotionally  ready to do what needs to be done to avoid these situations...thus the tension in my body, the extra fatigue and the extra cardiac symptoms. These internal warning bells go off  when I get close to something that could impede my journey on an emotional or physical level. Wow! 

The Freedom of Honesty

Just yesterday I was inspired to do two things...to open up and be honest with others about certain things that I felt were adding to this experience of tension described above.  I really hesitated both times because I feared my desire to confront or express was based on my crankiness, and that it was my crankiness causing me to over react to these situations...I wanted the honesty to come from a "good" place, you know,  but I feared  the individuals I spoke to or about might  just  be victims to my need to "feel better" in an unhealthy way (displacement or something).  Anyway...the opportunities presented themselves to speak openly and honestly...my gut said go for it... so I did. 

Though I felt bad for tears (genuine or not, I will never know) and for speaking about someone else behind their back as I felt the need to do in the first scenario... I felt this tremendous, tremendous sense of relief both times. That sense of relief that comes with honest expression and a realization of a flow that is taking you someplace better...tells me that I did what had to be done.  I did as I was directed to do by that wise little being within me.  :)  Any consequences for those two actions I own and I take full responsibility for.  But I know it was the right thing to do. 

Serendipity

Just last evening, we were sitting in a Chinese restaurant, and I was thinking about my confrontations earlier  that day... I was feeling a tad bit doubtful and guilty about both.  I was handed a fortune cookie...and do you know what that fortune cookie said?  Get this.   "To speak honestly is a noble thing." How is that for the universe validating one's choices?

The Obstacles are there but I can get around them

My tension...my resistance does not come from me avoiding my goal to learn and teach all I can in whatever way I can about how powerful we are...but from my inner wisdom simply warning and preparing  me to get around the obstacles that may be in my way. I do not need to convince myself the obstacles are not there...that would be disastrous; nor do I have to keep  hitting them head on, like I have been doing over and over again. I just have to accept they are there and that my internal guidance will warn me, with how I feel, that I am getting close to one...and it will guide me with ways to maneuver around them (sometinmes...as it did yesterday...it will simply tell me to be honest).

 I do not have to hit every rock on the road and endure the suffering that results.  I have had enough of that.  I have had enough of the obstacles. I have had enough of all this negative stuff that I have been allowing to take place around me.  I have had enough of closing my eyes to it and minimizing it! (These obstacles  are rocks I keep hitting, eddies I keep getting stuck in)  I have had enough of accepting less than what I deserve!  I have had enough of enduring my life when I am meant to live it!  I have had enough of allowing people to treat me and my loved ones unfairly! I have had enough of accepting this chaos as my birthright! I want more!!! 

That is what this unease and dis-ease is teaching me...I want more. I am getting to where I want to be...I am getting there and the universe is telling me I just  can't get there fast enough!    

All is well in my world.