Secrets and Concealment

 In darkness and in safety ,

by the secret ladder, disguised,

O, happy lot!

In darkness and concealment ,

my house being now at rest

In that happy night,

In secret, seen of none,

Seeing not myself.

Without other light or guide

Save that which in my heart was burning.

Saint John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul.  Stanza Two and Three

Just from reading these next two stanzas I am envious of the narrators relationship with the dark night.  It is not addressed as  something to be feared or resisted, but something to be excited about, appreciated and celebrated. Why? Because of the  way it hides the speaker on their quest.

In darkness and in safety, by the secret ladder disguised .  Why does he/she want to be so concealed? He/she feels safe in this concealment. So no one would recognize them and stop them from pursuing their quest? I can see that in the imagery of the lover sneaking off to meet their beloved. There is something about this obscurity that is so important to the poet.  I can't help but think how these ideas of direct union would be viewed by the hierarchy- dependent church at that time...blasphemy?  The poet has to be sneaky and secretive about his desire for direct union? Or is this "humility" vow of the brotherhood leading him to diminish his expression of faith...to "be pious" instead of "appearing " pious? This secret ladder?  Is he speaking to this alternative route, the non ordained route,  he discovered to finding God...that maybe was not aligned with church dogma at the time? ...When I think of ladder...I think of the speaker sneaking down a ladder from upstairs in order to get out.  That is like descending down into the depths of our beings from our intellectual faculties ( where most of the church dogma would have been pointing to).  It is about going deeper. His quest is an inner one, not a church directed one.

O happy lot! Again the speaker is expressing how fortunate he/she is at having this night ...this dark time to process through.  Because it is a place to hide the mission and the quest?  I had this thought:  Was the poet depressed or ill  and seeing this depression or illness as a means for the church to get off his back so he could pursue his inner quest?  I don't know why that came to my mind.  But obviously this night somehow surprises him...though we all know night comes every 12 hours? It was a fortunate thing that emerged almost unexpectedly....it seems... by the way he appears to feel so lucky he came across it. 

In darkness and concealment, my house being now at rest. His/her house seems to be at rest because of the darkness and concealment? Or the house being at rest caused the darkness and concealment? In the former...we can view the house as something visibly unstable until the night came and hid it from view? The "me". the reliance on bodily senses to perceive the world, the reliance on intellectual and conceptual mind's need for knowledge etc is consumed by this period of darkness, so it is no longer agitating the soul??  In the latter possibility...I see death as being that which puts everything but the soul at rest.

In that happy night, in secret seen of none.  Again there is this joy that the night was there allowing for this secret ...this obscurity...this hiding to take place. Why does it have to be a secret?  Why does this quest have to be hidden from the view of others?  Just like the lover sneaking off knows they are breaking social and moral contracts...does the poet feel he is breaking his religious contract? There does not seem to be any shame though for doing so...just joy and excitement? Still ...there is that need to keep it all a secret. Or is the secretive, concealed, hidden nature of this simply referring to the fact that it  is internal not external quest, therefore cannot be seen by others. The poet may be speaking to the "mystery" of awakening.

Seeing not myself.  Now this is a big one.  We see a dissolution of ego maybe.  In the first stanza ego was still hanging around but we see  as the speaker gets further into the dark night...he/she can no longer see the little self.  Of course, that is what the dark night on this awakening quest is all about, isn't it?  A dissolution of me. We stop seeing who we thought we were. At this point the speaker does not yet see what is ahead either.

Without other light or guide Save what my heart was burning. So this line marks the confusion part of the dark night...this being unable to see where we were or where we are going.  There is no light...there is noone out there guiding us.  It is such a personal and blind journey.  So what keeps the speaker going forward? His/her burning heart...this light in the heart that is telling them to keep going.  It is that desire for God that is leading the speaker forward. Blind faith leads the speaker on. 

Well that is the way I see it.  Yet to read Saint John's explanation. All good! 

Saint John of the Cross/ translated by David Lewis ( 1908) Dark Night of the Soul .Poetry Foundation. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/157984/the-dark-night-of-the-soul

Good Days? Bad Days?

 

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Victor Hugo

Was looking for some healing and helpful activity to help "pass the night away." ...and decided to answer more questions from the jar, in the very imperfect way that I do.

Back to the Dark Night

We are getting a lot of rain here and are told to expect this heavy cloud cover and heavy precipitation for another four days.  This stormy period represents, in  sense, what is going on inside me as I deal with this proverbial dark night of the soul. It is actually kind of cool.  I am learning to "calmly abide"  in it without my preferences,  and my resistance. I am doing pretty good focusing on that quality of calmness.  I mean, I do slip away from it...like when I opened the fridge last evening to discover that the soya sauce bottle had tipped over and what a mess!  There was a moment of reactivity there.  I felt the rush of anger and frustration...the urge to lash out at someone for not being more careful about putting things in the fridge...but I took a breath and stood back mentally.  I still felt those feelings, experience it all,  but I used that energy to clean the fridge and then I let it all go. Poof! Gone! Then I got back to my calm abiding in this rainy, extended dark night.I don't know when it will pass but I will find some peace in it. I will.

I hope that you will weather this rainy period  and this night, ( if you too are experiencing one) with a certain peace as well. 

All is well!

All is well

Leaving the House for the Dark Night

 In a dark night,

With anxious love inflamed,

O, happy lot!

Forth unobserved I went,

my house being now at rest.

Saint John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul, Translated by David Lewis https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/157984/the-dark-night-of-the-soul

I still wake up every morning after a somewhat restless night with my jaws clenched tight and this dark night still lingering around me.  My curiosity and desire to understand what I, as this me, am experiencing was drawn to to the famous poem on the subject, The Dark Night of the Soul.

In the above epic poem from Christian mystic, Saint John of the Cross, the soul's journey, spurred on by  a desire for God, is depicted in seven short stanzas, beginning with the soul leaving its bodily home and ending with the soul's union with God.  There are many translations from the latin it was first written in. I am presently reading a translation of the poet's own explanation of the process ( see below) but I wanted to be exposed to another version/translation to see how those words would be absorbed in  me before I read the author's explanations in more depth

In a dark night: So in this first stanza we are made aware of the "dark night"...that period of not knowing what is around the corner, the period of decreased clarity, that time between dusk ( our previous understanding of things) and dawn ( the emergence of light and truth...the new day). To get out into the night...is to to do so blindly as in "blind faith". Night, of course, also implies death. A certain dying is taking place here.  There is this unimplied warning, as well...that because of the  darkness the journey will be challenging.

with anxious love inflamed: ( in the book's translation, it reads: Kindled in love with yearnings. I bring that up because I think "yearning" is a key word needed to understand the pull of the senses, the soul is still experiencing at this point?) So we have the imagery, in either translation, of a fire burning in the heart...which is a "passion" that represents the human desire. "Anxious"?  Maybe the narrator can't wait or maybe the use of the word is possibly indicating a fear of the unknown?  

oh happy lot! So the poet is describing how lucky he/she is for having the night to give some cover in which to secretively leave behind the house and travel to the Beloved in. The night is not a cursed and unfortunate thing but a blessing, something the narrator might have been waiting for because they are so excited to see it. 

Forth unobserved I went: I went forth without being observed. No one could see me leaving. There still may be some social expectations holding the poet back from admitting to others his desire to merge with the divine.  The poem  was written in the 16th century by a brother of the very powerful Catholic Church where how to believe and how to practice that belief  was strictly enforced, so much was censored.  Knowing God directly was also taboo. So the desire for direct union with God could have been considered a sin even, and would have to be approached secretively under the cloak night provides? The poet could also be describing how one dies to be reborn...no one can see one dying in the spiritual sense...not  leaving the body but leaving all former conditioning and beliefs, leaving the ego and attachment to "me, my and mine" could be done without anyone observing.  One could die in that way without being noticed?   The lover here could be walking around doing whatever during the day  without anyone noticing that they have "died" inside in order to be reborn in God's arms. Of course , as a holy man, Saint John  could be referring to how being unobserved..."obscure" is humility and a necessary trait for a true person of faith to possess.  Instead of outwardly creating a show of piety, one should keep their love for God inside them...not exploiting it , not making it an object of other people;s observations.?? This is the way many cloistered monks and nuns choose to practice their faith.

my house being now at rest: Hmm! I see this again as a dying of old egoic ways and of finding a certain peace as we leave or let go of bodily concerns.  The senses are no longer controlling us...thus the "dark night" as well.  It is that spiritual step of being pulled beyond the senses. We are stepping away from how we once lived...based on the perception of pleasure or pain...what we once knew and are walking out into the unknown in search of something Greater, deeper. In order to step out we must have reached a certain level of understanding...that would lead to a certain degree of peace and thus " a house at rest". 

Of course, through this verse we have the picture of someone in love sneaking out of the house at night to meet a lover in secret. Which is quite a thing for a catholic monk to be writing about. The soul is the lover and God is the beloved. 

I know not what the poet intended...what the poem was meant to say.  I can only gather and make my own conclusions...assumptions I should say ...by the way it makes me feel when I read it. Poetry, I believe,  just points to something in us and projects it outward.  I want to tear this poem a part stanza by stanza just to get a better understanding of this dark night thing this mind of mine is experiencing. I am just going to do the first stanza  today.

I am fascinated by this idea of leaving a house, that was once unstable, for the dark night. This house the poet speaks about, I believe,  is something mind  built around who we really are...this little meness with all its ideations and beliefs, its attachments. This identification with the superficial is something we need to leave eventually.  I had an image as I read the poem of this flimsy house built on sand blowing this way and that way in the wind...and the soul swept up going from side to side. The only time it settled or became "at rest" was when the soul stepped out of it. Though the soul senses there is something more out there and yearns for it, it has not yet made clear contact with it.  It is not yet sure what that Something is. It just feels compelled to go forward, into the dark night regardless if that means not being able to see or understand where it is going.  In the poem it was the soul stepping out of the "me".  

 In line with that, I heard these words today and they kind of stuck:

Use life to free yourself, instead of using life to fight, to bind yourself. Michael A. Singer.  

We so often lock ourselves into these houses that we build...these false identifications, this superficial life style but at the same time , part of us knows there is more...so much more out there...( well actually in here lol).  We need to leave these false protections that we built and venture out into the darkness in order to find that Greater Something. 

Eckhart Tolle speaks to this as well in the below video.  He mentions how we tend to build our self identification (our  houses) on the superficial plane, the material plane, the plane of form ( which includes thoughts, emotions, roles etc)...which in other videos he refers to as the horizontal plane.  The vertical plane can cut right through that taking us deeper...to a deeper sense of "I" if we allow it to. Most of us are still too attached to what is on the surface to go deeper, as the poet above so wanted to do. Tolle assures us we can transcend but we must be willing to step out of these ideas of who we are...again...venture out into the dark night...to discover who we really are, at a deeper level.  He also  assures us that we do not have to go very far...the spaciousness of  deeper "I" is right there... so very close...God is right there, so very  close. We just need to be willing to leave our houses and venture through a bit of darkness to get there.

Anyway, dark night or not, it is all so wonderful, just as it is.

All is well in my world

Saint John of the Cross (2021) Dark Night of the Soul. General Press: New Delhi. Kindle Edition

Michael A. Singer/Temple of the Universe ( June 5, 2023) Using Life to Free Yourself. https://tou.org/talks/

Eckhart Tolle (June 4, 2023) Deepening Your Sense of I. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nycEaSdxhg

Heavy

 My Self will straight aboard, and to the state

With heavy heart this heavy act  relate.

Othello (William Shakespeare) 

Hmm! Continually watching my little self experience this dark night of the soul. Almost everything is down: my mental energy, my emotional energy and even my physical.  I am so tired and the body signs validate that fatigue: very low BP (systolic in the 70's) and pulse in the 40's throughout the day. It is all so heavy. Not accepting work right now because I am afraid of a faint...and that makes ego chirp up, leading to even more heaviness.  Sigh! I feel inclined to relate this heavy act  to the state  :)

Heavy

The head literally feels heavy to carry; the body feels heavy to move. What I am experiencing is matched by the heaviness of the environmental atmosphere right now: heavy cloud cover, heavy rain. The barometric pressure is playing with the experience of gravity, making it a little more heavy than usual. There is a heaviness in my chest that makes each breath fight against this unusually heavy sense of gravity. 

And all that which  is emerging from the depths of me is heavy. Some pully system in me, spurred on by conscious will and my desire for freedom, is  pulling and pulling and pulling the stuff up from the bottom. Those buckets of stored and buried  liquid "me-ness" are  very, very heavy. The weight of the past is heavy.  Well the memories themselves are just puffs of air that blow away but the emotional energy they were buried in is heavy. This dark night of the soul  literally feels heavy! 

And I read and listen to wise others speak about the "blissed out!" experience one can achieve on this path and I am like, "Huh? Man...I cannot even imagine that possibility right now. I just want a little less suffering, a little less darkness, a little less heaviness.  I would be more than appreciative if  Source threw a little tiny beam of light over here, now and again,  in both the visual sense of light as well as the gravitational sense of "light" ie add a little lightness to this that I seem to be carrying at this stage of my growth.  Bliss is too far away to even imagine.

Or is it?

Can one actually go from heaviness to bliss? I am reminded of new recruits in boot camp...having to put on heavy back packs loaded with weight as they are marched for miles. This is done to help them "practice", to build stamina and prepare them for the hardships that might arise when they are actually out there in the field. It would be the ultimate test of their strength and endurance. How they must feel when the practice is over and they can remove those heavy backpacks. I do wonder how it will feel to get past this stage of my practice and have this load lightened (in both ways).  

I think about "relief" more than I do  about attaining "bliss" but they come from the same Source, don't they?  Where relief and peace is found, one will find bliss. Beyond all this heaviness is an airy lightness. Beyond that dark cloud cover, is the sun shining brilliantly. I know that intuitively!  And it is all already in this being  that I am.  I just can't see it becasue I am too busy focusing on the heaviness.  I want that cloud cover and rain, that is in between what I am experiencing now and what I could be experiencing, gone.  That is my mission here...So I keep pulling up the blockages from this deep well of my past.  I keep trudging up this steep hill carrying  this heavy pack, as I recite  a "1-2-3- and 4; Remember what we do this for!" 

I have learned that tensing up and struggling against the weight, only adds more weight.  To get through this dark night, we  must breathe into each pull, into each step, relaxing, as much as we can into the process. We must tune out the ego that is going to chirp and complain about how difficult it is and what we must do to fight the absurd commands of the drill sergeant, and just keep relaxing into what is, letting go of every load that is pulled up from the bottom of that well, letting go of every extra thing ego tells us to carry to make it better.  Just let go and keep going... knowing that eventually the heaviness will be replaced with a certain lightness that will never go away. And maybe...just maybe...that lightness will lead to bliss. Who knows?

"One-Two-Three- and Four! Remember what we do this for!" 

All is well

Inspired by:

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe. ( June 4, 2023) Not Closing-The Path of Unconditional Love. https://tou.org/talks/

More On the Dark Night

 

God leads into the dark night  those whom He desires to purify from all these imperfections so that He may bring them further onward. 

Juan De La Cruz, Dark Night of the Soul

It is raining. The sky is heavy and dark .  A cool wind is blowing and I have been freezing, walking around the house (that desperately needs to be cleaned) with my housecoat on and a blanket over my shoulders.  I am dragging my feet, stepping over things, as I with head down move around like a zombie. It all looks like a scene from a movie entitled, "Dark Night of the Soul".  (I am the star ...in case you haven't figured that out yet and I am playing the part brilliantly, lol)

I found so much relief when I researched this thing I was presently going through yesterday to discover that it is actually " a thing."  I mean, I heard of it before but I never applied it to this experience I have been having off and on ( mostly on) for months or even years now.  

What experience, crazy lady? 

Well it was like I was walking under a sky that was overcast my whole life without  noticing or thinking it could be any other way.  I was doing my best to make it as good as it could be in this darkness. Then one day I began to question what was under that cloud cover and suddenly the sky began to open. This light, in tiny streams,  started to trickle through and I was like "Wow!  What is that?"  I was soaking up the little rays, wanting to know more about them so I began to ask questions. I was hearing from certain wise people  that this was just a tiny tease as to what was under the cloud cover, that there was so much more sunlight under that dark canopy I have been living under,  waiting for me to experience it . I wanted more so I asked , "How? How can I get more? "

I began researching, studying, listening, practicing in order to get more light into this life.  I have been trying to do what I could do to get those clouds to open.  It even seemed like I was doing it . There seemed to be a little more light, a little more blue sky everyday as I practiced.  I was getting there. 

But  all of a sudden it got dark and rumbly overhead again...just like it is now....and that darkness just lingered....It is so hard to take this cloud cover after seeing what was under it.  I couldn't understand why it was happening after all my "work".  Crazy thoughts went through my head. I thought I was a failure. I thought I was karmically doomed. I thought I was mentally ill...with depression or something.  I thought it was all just a big lie.

Then yesterday, when I listened to people who have been through it, I felt so relieved to be able to put a name on it. It was like, "Oh this is supposed to happen.  This is part of the process.  This is a good thing,",  indicating I am getting somewhere with my practice ( again I use the term "getting somewhere" just to make a point). I am not doomed to this darkness.

The question remined though: How long will it last and will I be strong enough to handle it?

The Question to Ask

I also listened to a snippet of a Super Soul Sunday video with Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith and in that snippet he gave this great advice.  He said instead of wondering how long it will last and what we can do to get out of it ...ask, "If this experience were to last forever, what quality would have to emerge for me to have peace of mind?" He says that when we focus on the quality instead of resisting the dark night, we move through it faster.  Hmm! Makes sense, doesn't it?

What quality do I need?  I need a calm abiding...a willingness to just relax and be with this. What I am learning is that I cannot do a thing about it anyway. In fact, that  cloud opening and light experience I had previously had nothing to do with me...it was simply Life/ God/Nature doing what It does...opening up through me.  I didn't have to do anything but "want it".  So all the doing I was doing in my practice to get rid of the cloud cover was really not making the sky open...at all. (It was helping me to shed "me" layers so I could see clearer when the time comes but it wasn't making the sky open i.e. Truth come to me faster.  "Doing" doesn't do it.  It will open when it opens to reveal to this person "I am" beyond the "me" , what It is, what I am. I don't have to "do".  I just have to "be". 

This dark night will last as long as it lasts and it is okay.  I have been in darkness before but this time I know the light is there beneath the cloud cover, and that makes all the difference. I will hold my head up as I calmly abide in this moment, "being" the best human I can be,  until I feel those rays on my face again.

All is well! 

Own (2017) The Secret to Getting Though the Dark Night of the Soul/ Super Soul Sunday. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_apTvwxMUQ

Navigating Through the Dark Night of the Soul

 Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light. So when we are in sorrow, this light is nearest of all to us. 

Meister Eckhart

Dark Night of the Soul

I woke up this morning asking, "Why is this process of awakening suddenly so yucky? I feel like crap these days and I am certainly no fun to be around!"  In my earnest plea and prayers, I have asked for healing of  all that which is in the way of me  experiencing who I truly am.  As a result, (I am assuming), I am finding myself in a proverbial dark night of the soul.  

...that's a term ["Dark night of the soul''] used to describe, what one would call, a collapse of perceived  meaning in life...an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness...nothing makes sense anymore...there is no purpose to anything....what has collapsed then is a whole conceptual framework for your life...the meaning your life has given it...that results in a sense of darkness...a dark place.." 

Eckhart Tolle

I am in a dark place. In some traditions ( mine) the dark night is longed for or even recreated in order to bring about awakening. Am I the only crazy person in the world wanting and calling upon  this yucky experience in order to awaken and be free from the pain I am experiencing now once and for all? 

I am assuming again that I am here, in this uncomfortable spot,  not only because I am now facing a certain meaninglessness in my life but also because with each peeling away of a layer of "me," samskaras have risen to the surface. They are so much in my face now....well the emotional energy is anyway.  They are  constantly getting triggered by life events.  In fact, it is almost as if the life events are arising with the intended purpose to trigger my samskaras. Man! As a result, I am a mess and thanks to my mindfulness practice,  I am so aware that I am a mess.  It's crazy.

It is dark and heavy in here as I realize I am not that who I thought I was all my life, and I am not yet that  which I want to be. I can't seem to see clearly where I am heading and who it is I am becoming because of this veil of  samskaras truth is still buried under.  I feel almost stuck under it. Yuck! It is also so sticky...creating a dark film over my eyes ( or eye..as in true sight)...It is just a thin film but enough to obscure the light.  Enough to weigh me down a bit so I feel stuck where I am. I mean...I know in my heart, and so want to believe,  that this dark night is all for a reason of greater good, signifying I am close to healing's end. I want to believe that the light is right there waiting for me to break through to grab it, that purification will be complete once this stuff is released and out of the way. It is all so close to  being released.  I know that intuitively but right now it sucks.  I want this dark heaviness off and out of me already.  I want the light to be able to shine up and through...for the  shakti that so wants to flow through me to flow.  Being at the edge of purification, close but not quite there, is an uncomfortable stage of this healing journey.

It Sucks! 

I feel unsettled, unhappy, confused as fork, I do not want to do anything but write, meditate, practice a bit of Hatha and numb with Netflix.  I don't want to be around other people. I know it would be best if I did, but I don't want to face all those triggers out there hiding behind every corner, it seems. I spend hours sitting here, rationalizing why I should be sitting here. Hope is no longer there to pull me up and through because I fired hope a while ago, once I seen how it was misguiding me! I am no longer running and hiding from the feelings that are exposed after each and every layer of "me" is peeled off, either.  So  I am raw and inflamed, like an open sore in lemon juice. Stings like the dickens! This is where I am at.  This is what it is and at this part of the process, I am just as I am.  And I have to say, it kind of sucks! Nothing has meaning anymore. Nothing makes sense.  It all seems so dark. 

"The problem is that our sense of personal identification starts to loosen...that contracted energy we call "me"...it begins to dissipate...and the dying ego creates a lot of pain and suffering. So this period is a time of confusion because the whole paradigm we created in the past...all that conditioning now...begins to breakdown...  The paradigm breaks down because you start to question if it is really going to bring you happiness...

Jagjot Singh

Paradigm Loosening

To others and to the part of "my conceptual mind" that understands mental health issues...it seems that I am more unwell than most around me, and more unwell than I was before I started this journey.  People I watch,  are smiling, laughing, going on with their day to day lives without these feelings of being weighed down. They easily and happily stick with the script from the screenplay entitled. This is what will make you happy and is what you are supposed to do! They focus on getting educated, finding a good job and showing up everyday to it, finding a respectable partner, getting a home, building a family, having the kids turn out a certain way, gaining a few status symbols, following some select religious and political dogma, retiring and then and only then enjoying the fruits of their labors. This is the paradigm...this is the script most of us adhere to.  

Never Really Liked the Script

The "me" I was before...tried to do the same though it never ever felt right (I kind of knew from the onset it would never bring true peace but felt compelled to follow the crowd) and the "me" I was before was never really healthy.  Heck, it was never even real! It was even more removed from the core of who I am, from what is truly important and gives meaning to Life than, it is now. I, as "me",  wasn't healthy and living Life fully. This person I thought I was supposed to be  was numb, disconnected, getting by, lost in the unimportant things and so unaware that it was so. Most of the people I see around me are doing the same.  They are living from atop of all the stuff they stuffed convincing themselves  it is a lovely or at least "an okay" hill they have settled on...when really it is a volcano that could explode at any minute.  

From Dipping to Diving In

Like I said, I never really felt intuitively that it was the way to go and I wasn't very good at following the norms lol. I was always doing things that others thought was inappropriate and not meeting social expectations. If I wasn't consciously choosing to step away from "normal"...life was pushing me across those lines. I tried to stay within the lines, I did. Something inside me, however, was always whispering,  calling and eventually yelling at me to smarten up!  It wanted self to leave the "me" I was and reconnect with my Greater Self. I have been dipping my toes in the spiritual pool ever since I was young but it wasn't until the challenge of keeping up with the pack got too big for me to manage,  that I finally dived in. 

Since my dive in, I have had some lovely peaceful moments and I had many not so peaceful moments.  Something was always in the way of me fully experiencing the beautiful reality of Life and that something was a "me" that just happened to be pretty broken by social standards. So though I know that "me" is not who I am...I am not yet knowing who I am is.  I am between two ideas of Self. This leaves me splashing and floundering in some pretty dark water. We all have to get past our egos and our "meness" if we want to awaken and that means dropping all we once thought was real which is hard enough to do... but when that "me" is broken, there is a lot of stuffed and stored samskara to get through before we can touch the "I am" of our existence.  

I know that it isn't that the process doesn't work or is at fault.  It is just that there is so, so much stuffed inside me.  Soon as some buried energy is pulled out and released, more arises to the surface. It is like the scarf being pulled out of a magician's pocket...never seems to end. But there is an end to everything, isn't there? Man, I gotta be close to the end.

Cognitive Dissonance? 

There are other reasons why this is such a yucky period of my growth ( as you can see I have not reached the true realization of non duality yet ... I am still using the word "yucky!"lol).  There is some cognitive dissonance going on...a tug a war between what is left of my "me" with  its need for pleasure and relief of discomfort, and my  need for truth ( a desire to keep going along this path no matter how hard it gets).  (Jagjot Singh)

I felt some comfort today when I heard these words from Jagjot Singh...someone I just happened upon on my searching through the net for an answer to this question: "Why is there so much discomfort in spiritual awakening?" 

Whatever darkness you are experiencing right now....whatever suffering you are experiencing right now...is a pointer to the absolute.

On the Right Path Still. Whew!

Meaning, regardless of how yucky it might feel, this is a good thing I am experiencing right now.  It is an indication that  I am getting there ( we will use the concept "getting there" for now, though it is greatly misleading).  I need to settle into this dark night and find some peace in it. I need to remind myself of that whenever it gets especially dark.

How long will it last and what can I do to make it go away sooner? 

I have faith that this dark period will lead to light eventually...

 It is is from the dark night of the soul that people can awaken, not necessarily, but quite often... it is from there where people awaken out of  their conceptual sense of reality which has collapsed. They awaken into something deeper which is no longer based on concepts in your mind ...a deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. 

Eckhart Tolle

But how long will it last? When will I awaken?

It will last as long as it will last and there is no-thing for me to do but wait.  This type of suffering was created by Source and it will only be alleviated by Source when the time is right. I am actually doing nothing.  Source is simply seeking itself through this mind and form and it will find itself through this mind and form. I don't have to add to the discomfort of this stage  with my resistance of it.  As with all things, I must let it be! I must ride out the storm. I need the right attitude of acceptance and allowance to do that. 

The happiness you are seeking is not to be found in the flow of life, but in your attitude towards whatever life brings.

Ramesh Balsekar

All is well!

Jagjot Singh (February?, 2023) Dark Night of the Soul-Awakening to the Source of Unconditional Love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT_k1PtX7X4&t=1160s

Eckhart Tolle (January? 2023) Going Through a Dark Night of the Soul? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DrR6rSJhN0

On Not Being Liked

 

Be Independent of the  Good Opinion of Other People

Abraham Maslow

I am obscure as a writer, poet, teacher...right now. Few people even know I do what I do here or in my  other writing, and I am finding a certain  peace in that.  Sometimes I think I even subconsciously seek obscurity out so as to avoid putting myself in the position of not being liked. This "me"... I still see my self as...really, really, really doesn't like not being liked. :)  

When I sense that I am unliked, that awareness causes some   deep samskara pain to emerge. It is the source of most of my lack of okayness and is probably the biggest challenge for me as I wake up.  It is a prime trigger point for a very,very tender spot inside me.    My habitual pattern of responding to that "second arrow" is usually to do what I can to rectify the situation so I am liked: apologize, make amends, figure out how to be better. Or I may put great effort into trying to redeem myself in this situation or compensate by increasing my "likes" elsewhere. I may also deny, suppress and repress those painful triggers and therefore push down that samskara that so wants to emerge, be seen, be heard, be felt  and then be released. If suppression  doesn't work at "making me feel okay inside", I will run away from those situations where I assume, perceive, or am told I  am not liked, avoiding them or similar situations again  Am I alone in this?

I think the "fear" of not being liked, accepted, included into the pack for psychosocial survival reasons is a common and natural fear shared by many of us.  Depending on the degree and nature of the wounding, it is even more intense for a select few of us. I understand where this samskara comes from in me and it goes far beyond just a fear of not fitting in.  It involves a fear of not surviving on all levels without the approval of the pack.  And entwined into  that fear,  from past trauma, is this core belief that I am not only too different but too "bad" and too "potentially harmful " for the pack. I have a belief that the pack  if any member gets a good whiff of me and my brokenness, will do whatever it can to get me out . There is an intense and underlying belief beneath my fear that I could never fit in and "be liked" as my very broken , authentic self.  Am I alone in this?

No...I don't believe I am. If I did believe that, I would never have had the courage to write this here and share these "deep, dark" secrets. I can see what I do and I witness what others do when this need to be liked in order to avoid old wound poking is prevalent.  I spent my entire life building layers of "redemption" around myself  by doing things that others would like and approve of,...and that included all things from what I wore to what I chose as a career. Every thing had to pass a "How will this make people feel about me?" assessment. It was so exhausting! I had to work very, very hard to achieve certain status symbols, to be calculative and very much in tune with where others were in their potential opinion of me so I could stay one step ahead in the creation of what I presented to them. I am naturally very kind (genuinely caring about others) but I had to be even nicer, and kinder, selflessly giving up my needs for others, just so I would be accepted into this "pack". It was such a mind game.  It was not until I was in my forties that I started to say things like "People won't like this...but I have to do it anyway if there is any chance of being okay inside." 

Awakening and writing about it was one of those things I started  doing despite the lack of approval from others. What is bigger than my fear of not being liked is my commitment to awaken...to evolve, learn, grow away from my need for the good opinion of others. Being independent of the need for others to like us is what Abraham Maslow referred to as a major factor in Self-actualization.  Awakening, of course, is self actualization/Self-realization and freedom from our samskaras. 

So as I pumped up my practice and delved even deeper into this "I am not okay inside and I want to be okay inside" thing, I began to make freedom from old wounding  my major priority in Life. I even prayed that I be handed what ever I need to become self-actualized, to get beyond the demands of this broken little "me" and its preferences. I said, "Bring it on!"  

Well, Life/God is obliging big time lol in most avenues of this life I call "mine". Circumstances are arising where I find myself saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing ( innocently so) and coming off as an unlikeable person. I even find myself hurting and offending people when that is the last thing I intended to do for all kinds of reasons ( the authentic me, beneath this need to be liked, is genuinely a very compassionate person). With nothing but love and concern in my heart, I have failed to reach out to others enough or in the right way in their time of need. I find myself in situations where I feel the healthy need to assert myself in a benign and kind way and it turns out that I am coming off as arrogant and pompous  to others.  Many of my neighbors, who used to be very friendly, now urn their heads when I walk by and the gossip started about the dog incidents is still pretty prevalent.  I chose this little job opportunity thinking I would walk into classrooms and be accepted as well as I was in the college setting, only to find the complete opposite. lol.  Trigger, trigger, trigger.  Poke, poke, poke and it feels absolutely awful. 

I just keep reminding myself: I chose this!  This is great for my practice!  I will grow from this. I can handle this!  I got this!

It is not fun though! My not okayness is coming up into conscious awareness and it is challenging to live with all that old pain there. It is even more challenging to be face to face without  that pseudo protection I used to wear. Man!  I am a mess right now  and instead of that mess hiding nicely under the rug I swept it under, it is right there in front of me in a big dust pile. I find myself yelling at the people around me, "Stay out of the  dust!!" .  It is even having an impact on me physically...I want to go in to face the disturbance every day becasue I know it is good for me (and because I definitely could use the money)  but my body says, "Nope! Not today Sweetheart! I don't care how broke you are, how much you want these samskaras to be gone...you are not driving me to the ground!"  I was close to hitting the floor with my face  on Wednesday afternoon even though I didn't want to admit that to myself.  I need to take a step back and examine how to do this in a more healthy way. 

n the bright side...I am growing and letting go more and more of this need for the good opinion of others...even when part of me is still slipping from my commitment and  trying so hard to be liked from time to time.  When I notice myself slipping  I step back and observe.  Layer after layer is getting pulled off,  as the authentic Self is becoming more and more exposed.  People may not like the "me" that is still there hanging around and because of this experience of unravelling I see how I don't even like the "me" lol...I want it off already! But it is only going to happen when it happens.  I need to respect my body and mind as this unravelling continues whether people like me or not. 

Anyway...it is all so good. 

Jet Plane Without "Me"

 I'm leaving on a jet plane.  Don't know when I'll be back again...

Sorry...can't remember who sang that

Those words came to mind when I was listening to Michael A. Singer's podcast.  Why?  He mentioned how Yogananda taught that there was a jet plane path to growth..."Kriya Yoga is the jet plane route to God". Our mission, whether we know it or not, is to get to God, to get to the truth and to remember who we are at the deepest level.  How do we do that? 

We can do it the hard slow way or the super sonic jet way. We do it the hard, slow way by living like we are living now...feeding and clinging to this idea of "me" and this idea that "this is my life".  This ideation  leads  us to take whatever we can from life, the planet and each other as if we have a right to.  Well, I have learned the hard way, that attempting to attain peace through the getting what "me" feels it needs doesn't get me very far.  Feeling we are entitled to take all "me" needs  from the material world is going to lead to winning a few, losing a lot; smiling a bit, frowning  a lot; laughing a bit, crying a lot...all in reaction to what is unfolding in front of us...but it is never going to make us happy as Self realization will. And no matter how hard we try or how hard we suffer...we will never be able to make life go the way we think it should.  Life is going to be Life . Life is going to do what Life does, with or without our intervention.

Yogananda taught that we can grow and evolve the fast and sure way through choosing Self realization over "me-me" satisfaction.  In order to do that..we need to leave our sense of  entitlement behind , hop on the jet plane to God and go farther and higher than we ever imagined possible by allowing Life , in whatever form she shows up, to fly us there.

We are just guests here, having this amazing opportunity to observe and participate in this human experience.  We own none of it.  It all belongs to Life...even our bodies belong to Life and they will do what they will do.  It all belongs to the Source of creation ...not us.  So why do we feel compelled to claim pieces of it for this "me"to control it and change?  It isn't ours! 

Can you imagine being invited to this amazing vacation resort by loving owners.  And as soon as you get there you start marking off sections of the property and calling it your own. Imagine going around telling everyone: staff, owners, guest  how they should be and act so as not to disturb you? Maybe you'll start rearranging all the furniture, on the pieces of property you were kind enough to leave to others, so it suits you best? Imagine trying to do something about the way the sun is setting over the ocean you view through your window...because you see that it could do it better? Can you imagine spending more time writing negative reviews because it rained or the soup was cold and then hanging onto those reviews in your head so you can go home and tell everyone what was wrong with this place...,  instead of appreciating the opportunity and the adventure you have been given, (free of charge), to experience? Hellooooo... Is that not what we are doing here? 

We must let Life do what Life will do around us and to us. Things will be challenging at times.  Things won't always turn out the way we want them to. It is going to rain. People won't always like us. We will lose sometimes. That is just the way it is going to be. Resisting, struggling against, grasping from, clinging , pushing away  because of that reality is futile anyway.  We can claim none of it,  hold onto to none of it, stop none of it.   

Enough with trying to live to feed the "me"! Time to feed the spirit by allowing Life to be Life as we learn and grow with each experience.  Every challenge will help us to evolve faster.  If we could see that potential in our challenges we would welcome instead of resist them. 

Let go of the "me".  Leave it behind at the gate and jump on that jet plane to Self realization. 

All is well

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 29, 2023) The Vector of Letting Go. https://tou.org/t

Just Guests

 We are guests. We are not here to change life , Life is here to change us.

Michael A. Singer

 

Surrender to the Guru Within

 Guru (Master) is Within

Questioner: Can Sri Bhagavan help us to realize the truth?

Sri Ramana Maharshi: Help is always there.

Questioner: Then there is no need to ask questions.  I don't feel the ever present help.

Sri Ramana Maharshi: Surrender and you will find it.

Questioner: I am always at your feet. Will Bhagavan give us some upadesa ( teaching) to follow? Otherwise how can I get help living 600 miles away?

Sri Ramana Maharshi: The sadguru (the guru who is one with being) is within

Questioner: Sadguru is necessary to guide me to understand it.

Sri Ramana Maharshi: The sadguru is within

Questioner: I want a visible guru.

Sri Ramana Maharshi: The visible guru says that he is within

If I had to choose one,  I would have to say Michael A. Singer, in a weird way,  is my external world  guru in this distance learning thing I am doing.  I have always resisted the Indian tradition  of gurus...especially of choosing "one".  I always thought it unwise to exalt another human being to that level of "master"...to give them that power.  Everyone has an ego and I resist the building of other people's egos through that type of devotion, which can easily happen in the unevolved leader. And my mind always wonders, "Is this person sincere and selfless in their mission?   Is this person motivated in their teaching by ego or  higher Self? Does this person  demand that one follows blindly and obediently ( which is often the tradition to teach surrender)? Is it about the message or the messenger( I feel the messenger should just be a shadow in the background of the message and not the star attraction)? And  I ask: is the guru okay mentally? Does he/she/they have a psychiatric illness leading to delusions of Grandeur ?  A certain personality disorder leading to a lack of conscience?  I think of cults and what happens with such blind devotion to unwell, or poorly motivated leaders. So I would not go out and seek a modern day guru. But if I had to pick one...it would be Michael Singer. ( Eckhart Tolle ...a close second  and if Thich Nhat Hanh was alive...he would be number one.)

I am reading the teachings of Meher Baba right now and his message is brilliant.  One can tell that he sincerely lived for the delivery of  his message and to provide selfless service to mankind.   But he did demand devotion and blind obedience from his devotees throughout his years teaching...with the exception of the time he spent as a nomad during the "free life" with his disciples ( very similar to what Jesus did). And he did not just claim to be a guru or a master even...he claimed to be an Avatar...an incarnation of God, often referring to himself as "Me". Maybe he was...who really knows...but my first thought when I heard that from him and felt he truly believed that he was... was..."oh...you are not well.  You are grandiose." What further fueled that thought in me  was his devotion to and his seeking out the "Masts" ...others it seemed who had what would be diagnosed as schizophrenia these days.  He said they were just so filled with divine bliss that they could no longer function in the normal ways.  He believed they had a lot to teach him, Maybe they did...who knows? Maybe that  is true of all schizophrenic patients ...who knows? I certainly don't. The point is...his message was beautiful but because of his proclamations he stood out more than the message did.  That is what I had a hard time with.  Sometimes the guru gets in the way of the message. Sometimes it is more about feeding the guru than it is about getting the message. You know what I mean?

I don't know Michael A. Singer as a person. To me, he is a form and a brilliant mind delivering an amazing message. No offense to him, I don't honor that form or mind more than I honor anyone else on the planet but I do truly honor the message he shares and the way he shares it. He doesn't seem to be feeding his ego with this.  Oh I am sure there is some remaining ego getting stroked by the success of his books and the comments he receives from others...he is human...but I believe  he is sincere in his mission  to get the message out there....to help others change their lives for the better with what he learned.

The other thing about learning and Self -realization to me...is that it is more about going to that wise guru within all of us than it is about finding someone out there to act as guru.  Nothing out there is going to heal us! Nothing out there is going to bring us closer to God. Inside game.  That being said, it is true that wise beings who have already walked the path can point us in the right direction...as Singer has done for me and countless others. 

God is truly the only real guru.  Though I might not surrender easily to someone in human form claiming to be God's messenger (or God Himself)...I will surrender to the message they deliver, if it resonates,  because I wish to surrender to God. I have to go within...not out...to do that.

All is well.

Listening to the Soul

 There comes a time in your path , your growth and your life where it is all about your freedom. You will reach a point where you will understand that nothing will feed your soul except  the soul itself.

Michael A. Singer

Heart: Hey Mind...I am hurting!

Mind:  Oh  I know Man.  This sucks! I can't believe he did that thing  we  didn't want him to do and that they didn't do the thing we  wanted them to do. I can't believe, our body did such a stupid thing! I can't believe this turned out the way it did. I can't believe life is being so unfair to "me" . Can you believe this happened?  Can you believe she said that?  I can't believe we  didn't get that thing that was going to make it all better...the thing that would make you feel so good inside. Oh you poor thing!! How you must be suffering from all that is happening.  I can't believe Life is such a nasty tease...giving us that other thing we wanted and then taking it away on us,  just when we were getting attached to it. And then it gave us  the other thing which  only fixed it in here for such a short time before not working anymore.   After all the time and effort I put in, to make it turn out the "right" way, it always goes "wrong", doesn't it?   Oh my dear, how are you doing in here with all this stuff that is bad, wrong and shouldn't be?

Heart: Like I said, I'm hurting! I am suffering in here Mind...big time!  It hurts so much Man. You gotta help me! Make me okay and quick!

Mind:  I can see you are suffering , my friend.  You know I want to make you feel better because when you feel better we both feel better.  ( Mind turns to the side a bit and whispers under its breath):.... and I can get at least  five minutes of peace from your incessant whining when I make you okay ..(turning back to Heart) So what do you want?

Heart: I  want you to help me fix it, of course, like always. Duh! You know I can't figure things out the way you can.  You are after all my voice! What do we do to make this better and for these terrible feelings to go away?  Tell me! Make me okay!!

Mind: Okay, okay! I will figure it out in a bit. I'm a bit busy right now trying to figure out the solution for the last time you came to me with your not okayness... like all of  fifteen minutes ago. 

Heart: Well hurry! I need you to figure it out ASAP ! This feeling sucks and I don't want to feel it for a second longer. Make me okay!

Mind:  Trust me, I am trying. I am just so freaking busy. Besides, I have to go back and check with the data I have stored over the years before I can come up with a solution to this problem. 

Heart: Well then go back. What are you waiting for?

Mind: Hang on...I'm going! Ummm...just a reminder...you know you have to close first, right? You can't let anymore in until I figure this out... right?

Heart: Of course! Of course!  I am not a nitwit! I am closed.

Mind: Okay.  Good, good! It is  going to take a bit of research. So you will have to hold on.  Will be back when I have something.

(A few seconds without any practical solutions  from Mind slip by. Heart is becoming increasingly restless and agitated in its discomfort!)

Heart: Helloooo! You still there?  I am smothering in here!! I need your help!! Make me okay!

Mind:  I know, I know! I'm thinking.  I'm thinking! 

A quiet voice in the  background hums softly in the sweetest of tones but neither mind or heart hear it.

Heart: Anything yet????

Mind: Yes (Mind says emerging from the depths of the past where all decision making data is stored) ..Have you tried using your inner hands to push it down in the dark where you can't see it.

Heart: Of course I tried that! That is the second thing I did after I closed.  I am not stupid. But the problem is there is absolutely no room in here anymore.  I am  full to the brim with the stuff I stuffed. I can't get anymore in. 

Mind: Hmm! What about if we get rid of that thing that tends to make you feel that way and make sure it never comes back? We will just have to bring it up to the surface so we can talk to it.

Heart: No.  I don't want to talk with that thing.  It is too scary.

Mind: Okay, then ...what if we trade this other thing in here for that out there.

Heart: No, I like this thing in me and I want to keep it.  It helps me sleep at night. It makes me feel safe.

Mind: Maybe if we try getting this other thing from out there...? 

Heart: No, we got that before and it only made it better  for a few days. It won't work this time.

Mind: Okay...what about if we do this....?

Heart: No, I don't like that.  Remember I tried something similar last week and ended up feeling worse?  No, no!  Give me something else, something I like.

Mind: Can we try this other thing then?

Heart: No! Definitely not doing that again. Terrifying!

Mind: What if we do this thing here...? 

Heart: Nope! Losing my patience Mind! 

Mind: Hmm! What about if you got that person over there to swear their undying love to you so they will be willing to do this  and be that for you, for the rest of your life. 

Heart: Hmm! Maybe....that might work. No, on second thought, I don't find that person attractive. Besides we tried this many times with many different people, remember? And each and every time they ended up doing something that made me feel bad or worse.

(Just then the voice in the background stops humming and gets louder)

Voice: Hello Heart...

Heart: (Stops and looks around, not sure where the voice is coming from)  Did you hear that? 

Mind: (pretending not to hear anything)  Let's stay on track and figure out what I can do for you. 

Voice: Oh Heartttt...I might have a solution.

Mind: ( Turning up the music in the foreground as to drown the voice out) Okay...let's see ...what if .....

Heart: Wait...wait...can't you hear that?

Mind: (Let's out a frustrated sigh!)Oh never mind that busy body.  Listen to me. I have the answers.  It doesn't know anything. It isn't even real.

Heart: Who is talking to me? (addressing the unseen voice)

Voice: Why, it is "I" my love.  "I" have many names but you may call me Soul

( Mind turns the music up even louder) 

Heart: Soul? Who are you and what do you want?

Mind ramps up the music to maximum volume... but Heart, wanting to hear this Voice, motions angrily  for mind to turn the volume down.  Mind has no choice but to obey.  

Soul: Yes, I am Soul. I want what is best for you...best for all of us.  I want us to be free of this suffering that keeps coming back in you. I have been observing you and Mind for a long time.  I have actually been trying to speak to you forever but you could not hear me over Mind's chatter.  I have a solution much, much better than minds. 

Mind: Hey! Hey! Watch it!!! I will put you back in behind that wall some quick. How did you even get out, anyway?  I put bolts on every door. 

Soul: Now Mind! You knew I was uncontainable  from the beginning .  The only thing that I needed to step out of the hiding place you stuffed me in was Heart's willingness to hear me. Looks like Heart might be willing to listen  now. 

Heart: (Turning to Mind) What? Listen to what? Who is this Soul ...Mind ...and what is going on?

Mind: Its nothing!! Absolutely no-thing. Don't listen...

Soul: Dear Heart...Mind has a hard time understanding who and what I am. It is a bit afraid of me and threatened that it will have to give up its managerial position to me. It likes being in charge. though it  was actually only  meant to be a tool to serve you, I and the body. Somehow it took charge of our life, by locking me away.

Heart: Are you saying I should be afraid of Mind?

Soul: No! No! Mind is naturally harmless and beneficial, with the intended purpose of helping us make sense of what comes  in to the body from the outside world. It also stores such data in sections of "Good", "Bad" and "Neutral". Though I do not like its way of filing information, I see that it means well.  It uses that stored data to make decisions in order to protect us and keep us safe. It is also the voice of you and I, through which we can communicate creatively.  Mind isn't "evil". It just got a little lost with all the demands placed on it and decided to take over  with the so called "problem-solving" which turned out to be more of a "problem- creation" than a problem solving. Wouldn't you say? Mind is here to help us both, but your reliance on it  gave it a bit more power than it could handle.  So it stuffed me in the background, built a wall of stuff over me and took over this life we are in. It is not doing a very good job driving . It is kind of steering our life into the ditch. That is probably why you seldom feel okay....you are driving with a maniac, hanging on for dear life.

Heart: What??? Where were you through all this reckless driving? Why did you wait until now...after so many years of suffering to make yourself known? 

Soul: Oh Dear Heart...I was always here, watching in the background behind the wall Mind built over me.  I was still able to observe everything you were going  through despite the barrier.  I just couldn't step up until you were ready...until you were fed up with Mind's way of doing things and willing to try something different.  I have always been here watching and waiting for you to be ready to hear me. 

Mind: That's Absurd!  Soul is such a liar. There is nothing back there.  Ask a scientist.

Heart: (looking towards Mind) I hear what I hear Mind. Please be quiet  so I can listen to Soul. (Turning back to address the unseen voice of Soul) What is the solution then?

Soul: The solution is freedom.

Heart: Freedom?

Mind: Don't listen to that crazy nut. There is no such thing as Freedom.  We are here to suffer and endure it the best we can.  I can help you get by and make it pretty cozy for at least a while...you know that. That Thing can't!

Heart: (continues to ignore Mind) Freedom from what...our problems? That is what I go to Mind for anyway.

Soul: No! Not freedom from your problems, challenges or pain...freedom from that which creates the problems.

Heart: I don't understand. Life causes the problems and if I free myself from Life we will be dead! 

Mind :  I told you not to listen.  That thing is crazier than a bag of hammers. 

Soul: Life and circumstances are not causing your problems.  Nothing out there can cause you to suffer...just like the solutions for your so called "problems" will never be found out there. 

Mind: That's crazy talk!!

Heart: ( ignoring Mind's attempts to interject) What creates the problems then?

Soul: Your reliance on Personal Mind.

Heart: Huh?

Soul: Like I said, Personal  Mind is not well.  It was taxed with a very challenging job and it took it all a bit too seriously.  It kind of broke under the pressure and it is not okay. But you, believing that it is okay and thinking it knows best, have until now asked  something that is not okay to solve your problems and you listened to its advice. You are beginning now to see how  that advice will get you nowhere but lost. It will give you nothing but more suffering. Right?

Heart: Maybe. But I need you explain more, please.

Soul: Mind, in its sincere desire to make you feel good, has taught you to look outside yourself for the answers.  It has convinced you that Life and all its varying circumstances is the source of your discomfort and pain ...and that external world events are responsible for your happiness or lack of.  The problem and solution  then, it taught, is out there.

Heart:  That is not the case?

Soul: No...with Mind's guidance, you have learned to prefer, judge, desire, and ended up resisting Life and what It offers. That made you  not okay inside. Instead of dealing with not being okay inside....you went around in big circles trying to find the source and solutions for your problems out there where they could never be found. Your reliance on Mind's advice, only made things worse. Mind told you that it wasn't okay that you sometimes felt less than okay inside. It promised to help you feel better  and you listened. Your resistance to feeling what you were feeling was the problem, not what was happening to you or around you. 

Heart: So Mind was not solving my problems, only making them worse.  What are you here to tell me then?

Soul:  I am here to tell you that it is is okay that you don't feel okay inside.  We don't need to fix anything out there. We just need to start with saying that it is okay that I don't feel okay inside.  Experience that feeling fully  because that is just as much a part  of Life as anything else. Unless you notice, accept and allow the not okayness...it will not be released.  It will be stuffed down on top of all that other stuff you stuffed. 

Heart: It is okay that I don't feel okay inside.  It is okay that I don't feel okay inside

Soul: Good

Mind: Oh come on...shut up already and lets get back to fixing your problems in the old way.

Heart: ( ignoring Mind) So will I ever be okay inside?

Soul: Of course you will be but becoming free involves a committed practice of stepping back and away from Mind. What you want to free yourself from is your reliance on Mind's instructions to resist what is.  If you step back to where I am, okayness will naturally arise.  The things outside do not have to change...but how you see them will. Come back with me and live from here. Don't think.  Don't analyze... just keep walking back to where I am and have always been. You will be more than okay back here where Mind cannot be.  Are you ready?

Heart: I think so but I can't see where I am going. I can't see you. I don't know what I will find there.

Soul: I understand your fear but when has avoiding  fear ever given you what you wanted. Trust me. Trust Life.  Take a step back.

Heart: I am afraid to feel all this stuff

Soul: I know...but it is okay. This stuff you have spent so much time resisting at Mind's direction was stored in pain so it will be released with some pain.  Brace yourself and keep walking back.  You can handle it! You got this.  The bigger stuff will naturally release itself once you start making your way to me,too. It was Mind that was holding stuff in you. Without Mind, those painful emotions will not stay.

Heart:  I don't know I am scared.  I am so used to Mind and maybe I should just do what we have been doing.

Mind: Yeah. Stop budding in Soul.  We were doing okay before you stepped up.

Soul; Were you? 

Heart: No we weren't Mind.  We were a mess.  I don't want to be a mess anymore. Hey Soul..make me okay?

Soul: Of course I will. Just keep walking backwards.  I am right here. You will soon know me.

Mind: (watching Heart leave to walk into the unseen arms of Soul). Ah Man...what is going to happen to me now with nobody feeding me???

You cannot feed your soul from out here...the only thing you can feed from out here is your mind. Michael A. Singer

That just came out of me after listening to:

Michael A. Singer ( May 28th, 2023) Give Up On The Old Way. https://tou.org/talks/

Desiring More

 But when from the depths of his heart,  man desires something more lasting than wealth, something more real than material power, the wave will recede. Then peace will come. joy will come, light will come.

Meher Baba ( Indian Sufi master, first half of 20th century)

Would you like the wave of distress to recede in you and in the world?  

Like all great teachers, Meher Baba, tells us that the way to get beyond suffering  is to release our desires and attachments ...to want more than just those things the external world provides.  We need to want more than material wealth, more than material power...more than anything the material world can provide. We need to want that which is not seen, only felt...what many of us call God.  When we open up to that non-material dimension...trusting that it is the intelligence beneath the unfolding of all we encounter therefore  removing all our resistance to what is....we will experience , not only the peace I ask for, but joy and light.  

I started doing Wayne Dyer's  Morning and Evening Meditations for Manifesting  again.  But now I am approaching them in a whole new way.

When I first purchased those CD's ( CD's: that is how long ago it was :)) I was going through a challenging time and desperate for some type of improvement  in my life situation.  I really wanted peace. I was still under the false ideation, however,  that it was life circumstance that was fully responsible for my distress. and that peace would only come from changing it. I believed that if I could  get from the outside world what I needed, push away what was causing the distress , or at least manipulate, fix, or change the world "out there"...I would feel better inside. 

After being introduced to The Secret, I was exploring the possibility of this manifesting thing and purchased these meditations. My intent was to manifest material wealth and power. Well to be more exact, I wanted to manifest enough wealth to get by because I found myself in an "income-less" state after having to go off work for long periods of time because of an illness my insurance would not support. And I wanted some form of personal power back after finding myself so stuck in the limitations of my body and the life that was ensuing. I was not sure about how valid this manifesting thing was.  I didn't have a lot of faith in it.  Back then, it all seemed a little "woo-woo" to me. But I was desperate enough to try anything.

So I started out asking for the minimal but was encouraged by what I was reading and studying at the time to take my "wishes" beyond that. I began to imagine manifesting more, imagining me and my family  having more than enough wealth and power. "Abundance" was my key mantra.  I envisioned...even did up vison boards and 'wishes fulfilled" powerpoints,  of me getting this weird thing going on in my body validated and supported, of getting better and well enough to be successful out here. I imagined  publishing my books, speaking to large crowds of people, living in a big home ( that someone else was happy to clean) on a beach, having my children and grandchildren and dogs running up and down the shore, travelling all over the world etc. Hmmm! And I went at those meditations hard!

Months and months went by.  Nothing happened. No diagnosis came...no support. I tried to go back to work on several occasions only to start nose planting again and then retreating home to an income less state for months and years ...going into great debt, great shame. There was no material  "abundance" or power...so I thought there was something wrong with "me" on the spiritual level. I thought these circumstances must be my "karma" and decided to suck it up. 

 It was then I was introduced to the Buddhist perspective of suffering and realized I needed to get to the root of it all.  That took me deeper on this journey, farther away from any desire for material wealth and power...I knew these things were not what I wanted and needed to end suffering...not at all...nor was my income less state and changing health the cause of my suffering.  I began to look for a direct route to freedom and peace.  Peace...not a change in circumstances... became what I asked for, my "polestar"...and that led me here, to where I am now, years later.

So as I meditate to "ahhh" and "omm" now I am not asking for material wealth and power...I am not asking for money, or for "success"...I am not asking that anything out there change to accomodate "me"...I am seeking   to manifest peace, freedom from "me" drama therefore freedom from "me", healing at the deepest level ( a level that goes way beyond the body), release of samskaras and a free flow of shakti. Peace, joy and light...I know intuitively...are in that Shakti.  Once I remove the blockages it will flow freely.

It is funny, how when I began using these meditations I would kind of just drown out the affirmations and spiritual teachings Wayne Dyer would share. They seemed to be in the way of my practice of manifesting material things.  Now...those very affirmations and teachings from Meher Baba are why I use this meditation practice.  I seek what is in those words. Hmm! This is a perfect example of the cyclic nature  of learning. Is it not?

I know I am strengthened as I seek to make Truth my personal reality. from morning meditation

When your Love for God drives away your  lust for the things of the  senses, then you will realize God. Meher Baba's teaching from Evening Part of Meditation

All is well.

Wayne Dyer (2004) Meditations for Manifesting: Morning and Evening. Hay House

Reality and the Spiritual Life

 

There is only one Life and that is the spiritual life.

Michael A. Singer

Hmm. To describe  my journey towards tapping into the essence of who I really am, I will often use the word "spiritual." Sometimes that word creates an uncomfortable idea in people's minds Maybe, an image  of bearded men siting in orange robes on a Himalayan mountain top chanting "Om" will be conjured up ... or maybe one will see  others gathered around a table  holding hands as it levitates  off the ground while they call on deceased loved ones. The connotation of the word "spiritual"  can sometimes lead people to walk away from hearing more from myself or others about this path we are on. Sometimes it even gets stuck in my own throat like a dry cracker when I try to explain it. 

I have to remind myself often that "Spiritual" , "Spirituality", "Spirit" are just words that have a host of different meanings for different people. We can't get hung up on the word! We can't get so blocked or triggered by words that we refuse to look behind them at what they are pointing to. What the word "spirit" points to is something so beyond our comprehension, it is hard to understand , let alone explain with mere words. Yet, at the same time it is so simple. It is that which is right in front of us...that which we too often do not see. 

I agree with Michael Singer.  There is only one Life...whether you call it a spiritual life, a practical life, real life or Fred...doesn't really matter. The point is, there is only one life, one reality. Spirituality, then, is reality. What is real,  is spiritual. Most of what we call life or living is just a bunch of "mental modifications".  We are often so busy living in our heads, thinking about life, that we are not living Life. We may spend our entire lives running from what is real so we can protect the unreal.  We are not experiencing "what is".  "What is", is spiritual. This moment, right here and now, cannot be anything but spiritual. If we put down our resistance of it and open up to it, we would see that.  That would be spirituality.

Spirituality is about letting go of that which prevents us from seeing and accepting, allowing and embracing the reality of each moment, the "suchness" of it.  It is about touching the essence of life with the essence of us.

What is in the way of us doing that?  The "me" is.  The "me" is unreal.  It is a compilation  of all that mind stuff we created that prevents us from experiencing directly the reality of who we are and what Life is. Without it we would be pure spiritual beings living  purely spiritual lives. 

A spiritual life then is one dedicated to removing the false layers of "me" so we can get down to the core of who we are.  The "me" desires, prefers, averts, judges, condemns, grasps, clings and pushes away what is.  Without our preferences, our attachments and aversions...without our  judgements, opinions and beliefs...there is no "me" and when there is no "me"...there is nothing covering Self. Self is pure consciousness and awareness. Self is essences and presence. Self is spirit!

Why would we want to painfully tear away all the layers of me and live differently? Because the way we are living now, pretending to be anything but spirit or spiritual, doesn't work!!! We are not actually living...just getting by, disconnected from what is real, therefore disconnected from the only Life there is.  We are not peaceful, happy, joyful or blissful, are we?  A spiritual life promises all those things. The unreal lives we are living lead us to pursue the non direct route that seldom takes us to this real experience of Life. It leads to non stop  chasing of things "out there" that might make us feel okay "in here".  It leads to pushing away reality and what it offers  becasue it triggers our lack of okayness inside. What is not okay is "me". We feed "me" and "me" gets bigger and we get even more "not okay". We get farther and farther from recognizing who we really are. We don't get any happier. We pull "me" away, on the other hand,  and what is not real about us gets smaller and smaller until all that is left is what is real. Life would be much simpler then, wouldn't it be, if we only had to deal with what is real? The spiritual Life is a simple Life.

Man I just want to be rid of all this unnecessary and unreal drama that "me" creates. It creates so much suffering! That is my reason for being on this "spiritual " path. And there is nothing "woo-woo" about that.  I do not have to talk to dead people and I do not need to renounce all my worldly desires to meditate on a mountain top, to be spiritual.  I just have to let go of the unnecessary, the unreal...and notice, allow, accept, embrace and revel in the miracle of what is real in me and in Life. 

Sigh! It is hard to explain.

All is well in my world!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 25, 2023) Using Reality to Let Go of Yourself. https://tou.org/talks/

Leaving the Destination to Find Another Way to Get There

 

Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Oh the mind is a strange and twisted thing! Well, at least mine is lol. I am finding it so interesting to watch this crazy mind of mine in action. After my entry  today about desiring, I felt almost free of the need for desire. I understood, once again through my self reflection, that desire would only take me away from this moment and this moment was more than enough as it was. 

 After a nice long meditation, D. and I took the dogs for a walk in the woods.  It was an absolutely beautiful May afternoon. As we were walking, the sun was shining, the breeze was blowing and  I was looking at the world around me amazed by the absolute beauty of it all. It all seemed so perfect. Suddenly,  I began to feel so connected to the earth and the path below me that I was walking on.  This smile came over my face for no reason. I just felt so happy.  Everything in life was good just as it was.  It was a truly lovely feeling. I thought..."OMG...this is it ...this is what unconditional peace feels like...this is what I have been really looking for from all those things I was desiring. This is amazing."  I didn't want to talk with D. as we walked I just wanted to bathe in this feeling I was having. 

That is until this little voice in my head began to talk, " Wow! This is nice that you are feeling this way.  Things are turning around aren't they?  Your spiritual stuff is working.  Your manifesting a bit of that peace you always pray for.  Hmmm!  Maybe that means your life is turning around for the better.  ....Maybe this is a sign that things are going to change for you.  Maybe the kids are going to be okay.  May be the money is going to come in.  Maybe your book is going to get published after all."  I began to visualize a publisher calling me on the phone to tell me they wanted to sign me.  I was having the full out  conversation in my head... 

And suddenly "Cuttt!!".I caught myself!  I could suddenly see what I was doing. There  I was savoring the most peaceful experiences I ever had, one that had no conditions attached to it...just enjoying life exactly as it was...not needing it to be any different, not caring if  it was ...I was experiencing real peace directly!  But  I left that experience  to run after a thought based on desires for things I erroneously believed, all my life,  would bring that same  feeling to me. It was like arriving at the destination you always wanted to be at and turning around to go find another , longer way to get there, a way that would only get one lost. I was having the direct experience of peace  and I left that experience  for  thoughts about the indirect and round about way to get that experience of peace. How ironic and crazy is that? 

I quickly brought myself back to breath, to the feeling of my feet hitting the path, the sound of the wind and the feel of the warm breeze on my skin. I found that feeling again within me but it was not as intense as it was. That's okay! I now know it is in me waiting :) . Besides... the learning I received today was invaluable. I have to chuckle over just how silly this mind can be.

All is well!

Desiring?

 Desires are a direct signal that you are not okay. There is nothing holy about desires

Michael A. Singer

I have a confession to make.  Well not a "Forgive me  Father for I have sinned..." kind of confession , but more of  a... revealing that I am not as far along on this journey as I would like to be... kind of confession. I still have worldly desire.  I am still wondering what I can  grab "out there" so I feel better in here. Yep I still desire.  I still have dreams for this form and for my family that I am clinging to though I am trying to suppress them.  Suppressing them and pretending that I have evolved beyond them doesn't make the desires go away. :) I still day dream, at least once a day, about being pulled up by some redeeming thing I "do" and accomplish, or of my children being pulled up by what they "do" and "accomplish". I want us to be redeemed  to a state of social equality and approval...heck...maybe even to a state of social superiority, making all the worldly problems we are facing now with money, judgement, health and isolation go ..."poof!"... out the window! 

My desiring starts small.  I dream of a slowing down in the addictive and unhealthy patterns I am observing in those I love...small steps taken toward recovery. I dream of  my loved ones having access to the appropriate mental health services they need.  I dream of them feeling better about life and themselves. I dream about them being, at least, willing to hear what I have to say about what I am learning. I dream about them and myself  having enough income to pay off debts and get by, at least without the worry and strain many are facing now. I dream about all of us having enough mental and physical health to live a fairly decent life.  I dream about us being more peaceful. I dream about this house getting cleaned and maintained somehow.  I dream about being able to travel a bit more...to see a bit more of the world. I dream about maybe having more yoga students, more readers here, publishing another article or two. Small desires maybe...but still desires that involve a "looking out there" to make me feel better "in here". Desires that take me from the "what is" of my life. I desire freedom from suffering and I desire peace. Sigh!

When I let myself go there, I have bigger desires too!  I dream about being published and paid  for what I do. I dream about publishing a book that increases my readership. I dream about having readers that appreciate and  validate that I am providing a service, letting me know in someway that it is okay to spend my days writing!  I dream about having a little more money than what is required to get by so I can save and never have to worry about it, while having enough to give more to my loved ones and those others who need it.  I have dreams of teaching what I so want to teach and knowing that I actually am reaching people. I dream of my children taking the path I am taking towards  healing and understanding of Truth or at least getting far onto another path that will take them towards recovery. I have dreams of being able to travel once a year, being on a beach in some lovely tropical get away one year...travelling the streets of Europe another year. I have dreams of having enough money  to hire a housekeeper to do the heavy cleaning once a week  and maybe enough to do the renos that so need to be done around here.   I have dreams of being redeemed...creating something that makes others who once believed I was nothing see that I am something. I dream of happiness. Sigh!

And I can, if I permit myself, have even bigger desires! I dream about becoming a best selling author.  I dream about reaching millions with my words and having a global impact. I dream about having enough money to do the things I can only image doing now...taking the whole family on big vacations...getting them the best help possible...living in a house on a beach somewhere that I don't have to clean  and that my children and grandchildren visit often. I dream about them all finding their way and being well.  I dream  about  taking my teaching to stages all over the world, reaching large groups of people with my healthy, recovered children by my side. I dream of being full of joy and enthusiasm for life. Sigh!

So yeah...I dream and I desire worldly things. These dreams get bigger and bigger, when I allow it,  even though I know that these worldly desires are not what I really want.  I want what  I erroneously believe these desired things will bring: peace, happiness, joy and enthusiasm for life.   I want an end to suffering and possibly some peace...that is what I want at the base level. I dare not, my mind tells me, ask for too much at once but it  would be really nice, as well, if everyone around me could be happy. Seeing joy and enthusiasm for life radiating from myself and all whom I love may be a stretch right now but yeah, if I am being honest...I want that too someday ( that hope thing again) .  

So I do desire and I do dream about things changing outside of me but I also know that it is not these things that need to  come into my life in order for me to be free from suffering, at peace, happy and even joyful and enthusiastic. Though it may not be skillful or wholesome to linger in desire, suppressing desire is not the answer either. We are human, and humans have desiring minds. We are going to want and we are going to dream. 

We just need to recognize when we are desiring and come to terms with why we are dreaming. Then we have to remind ourselves that even if we get what we want, that will not change the root cause of our desiring. 

So our desiring often comes from this idea that we are lacking and not okay inside.  Desiring takes our attention away , then, from appreciating what we do have.  Maybe we are not lacking in reality? Maybe we already have more than we believe we do? I am reminded that to many, many people out there looking in at my world, I would be viewed as very fortunate.  Many might  even desire what I have.  They may desire the bits unfolding in my experience that I  feel are not enough. This life style I am living  may be more than enough for others. Infact, my life may be seen as purely abundant!To many homeless people, I have a wonderful home and it is a lot cleaner and more comfortable than where they are living right now! To many poverty stricken people scrounging for food to feed their families with,  I have an abundance of financial wealth. To many people with children who overdosed or took their own lives, my children are very healthy and well off.  To many people, living in war torn countries, I have peace. To many people living in countries where they have to pay for health care service, the services my children and I  have access to are a true blessing.  To many people living in cramped cities, the part of the world I ended up on is a beautiful vacation land in itself. To many people having to put all their energy into mere survival or to those isolated for whatever reason, I am fortunate just to be able to write and reach one reader, to teach yoga to one student.  To many people my life may be  something they dream of having? How can I, then, even see myself as lacking enough to want more? 

In order to achieve these grander dreams I must accept something that may not be wholesome in the bigger picture. It may require that this "me" gains a "special" status. Specialness means that I must have more than others; do more than others; stand out more than others etc.  It is a setting apart. from others. We desire sometimes to gain and maintain a special status through our dreaming. Do I really want to do that? Seeking a "special" status also  comes from a sense of lacking and a sense that we are not okay inside. Why are we not okay with just being ordinary?  Why  do we want to be "extraordinary"? Will that  take away our deep sense of unworthiness that often spurs on our desiring? No, it won't.   

When are we going to realize that getting what we desire is not going to make us okay inside? Our pursuit of this false idea that it will...will lead to a lot of longing, hoping, being pulled out of our moment, reality denying and eventually disappointment. 

When we catch ourselves desiring we can , instead of asking, "How can I get that which I desire?"...ask:  "Why am I desiring? Why and how am I not okay inside?" That question will pull the mind away from its longing tendency, away from its habit of running from reality and it will guide us to look inside for the solutions for our lack of okayness. 

If we become aware that we are desiring and then ask those questions, we can begin to work on  fixing what is broken inside. We can become okay inside!  That will put an end to the need for desire  We can operate from  a deeper consciousness that knows we need nothing from the outside world to be complete and whole. Peace, happiness, enthusiasm and joy  cannot be found in anything out there. They are inside us already, waiting to be discovered. 

Something to ponder.

All is well.

Michael A. singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 23, 2023) Freeing Consciousness- The Path from Distraction to Liberation.https://tou.org/talks/