Robin Song

 

Oh Robin, sing! For the secret of eternity is in song.

Kahlil Gibran

Heard Robin song for the first time this year and it was lovely.  It made my heart lighter. How I love the reminder of the beauty spring provides.  I was going to say "hope"...the hope spring provides in reference to what my father used to repeat over and over again as Spring emerged: "Spring brings new hope!"  I am not, however, any longer a fan of "hope".  I see it as a "desire tendency", a sweet ( but unevolved) use of a common escape mechanism...a means of getting  out of our present moment and this inner feeling of "not being okay now" to the future and an "I will be okay when..."  Hmmm!  I am rambling on I know lol.

It is all good.  I heard Robin song this morning and it was lovely. 

All is well in my world.

Stuck in Wanting and Resisting?

 One way to stay stuck is to get what you want.

Michael A. Singer

Stuck in wanting and resisting?

Hmm!  I have been thinking  alot about wanting. I have been going over in my mind  how "preferring" gets in the way of us living in this moment fully and completely. The root of all suffering, according to the Buddha and others, is desire.  I like to watch my desiring mind in action and lately I am pretty quick to observe when it is preferring. It prefers "alot". Some times I grasp and cling for the desired "stuff" it tells me I need in order to be happier; sometimes I also do the unwholesome and unnecessary thing of "renouncing" a desired object or circumstance for the sake of my spiritual evolution and sometimes I do nothing but notice that I am wanting something. In the same tone of  observation, I notice and observe when I don't want something...when I am averse to it, when I am resisting it. I see myself resisting a thing or experience  and I automatically feel guilty...like I am failing in my practice, failing in Life. I guess, I fear my wanting and my resisting will keep me stuck.

This guilt and fear must be examined a bit, for their unwholesome tendencies. I don't want to beat myself up for my lapses or failures...if that is indeed what they are.  I don't know. I just want to learn and I want to grow.  Examining those times when our  resisting, preferring mind runs off with our lives will help us to learn and grow. Won't it?

Preferring and Resisting

One of the things I notice I am preferring is the time I get to spend here with my words, reading, writing, meditating, practicing and learning. I prefer this to the thing I am resisting these days...work. I am in the habit, it seems lately,  of avoiding work. It is not that I am adverse to what I do out there to earn a few dollars and it isn't that I love it either....it is a very neutral experience .... but it, like everything in life we react to,  has the potential of "disturbing me".  This job does require a certain amount of physical and emotional stamina that I feel I am lacking in these days, in order to avoid being "disturbed". Being disturbance free in this job requires in me a willingness to be so evolved spiritually that I am detached from the  opinion of others and the need for positive self esteem or that I become overly concerned about  other opinion  and do whatever I can to manipulate and create a semblance of external positive regard.

From an object of Adventure.... 

Obviously,  the latter is more exhausting and neurotic making.  The former is the way to go...and it is the way I started this "adventure".  Yes, in the beginning I referred to this as an adventure.  My physical and emotional and spiritual energy levels were much higher when I began this job.  It was all about serving and experiencing; challenging myself and growing.  "Little me", with its neurosis and physical limitations, was tucked away somewhere and the greater part of me was in charge. I was open.  I really didn't care what others thought. There was so little anxiety and worry...or at least, I didn't let it stop me.  I didn't worry about what my body could do or not do.I jumped at any job that came up.  Not to say some days were not more challenging than others. And I certainly had some minor disturbances and slip ups into old habit tendencies  but I was able to embrace them, learn from them and then let them go. I was using the job to grow and evolve.  It was so cool.  

...to an object of resistance. 

The job has not changed...not an iota...but I have.

Somewhere along the way, I closed. I mean there were external variables...not that they were the cause for my so called problems but Life was heavy with crisis and it was calling me away from work.  I had other circumstances to deal with making me seem less reliable. Then my mind became super focused on appearing less than reliable.  Little circumstances arose that fed that ideation. I found myself worrying more about what others thought and trying to "redeem" myself.  This impacted the way I did my job ( even if it was only in my mind). Then I got tired...like really tired.  I won't go into specifics about the physical causes...but I know what they are and they are legit.  Because of the reliability issue, I  stopped taking calls in advance and decide to wait until the mornings. As the morning calls came in, I found myself hesitating with "Do I have the physical stamina to handle this group today ?" "How much stair climbing do I normally do in that school, how much running around?"  And in other groups it was like, "Is my self esteem high enough to handle this group today?" or  "Do I have the mental and emotional energy or resiliency to get through a day here?" So I really had to think before I decided to take a call and if I felt I could take one, the job was often gone by the time I accepted.  And there were many mornings when I just didn't accept because I felt it would be too much. I would feel so guilty if these ones didn't get filled, like I was letting others down.  Heck, I felt so guilty anyway. ...like I was doing something bad or wrong by not going in, not earning money. 

The fear factor in resistance

Now anxiety does have something to do with my resistance to work. The more I am away from it, a certain anxiety about returning to that which is not totally familiar emerges. There is a certain amount of fear there preventing me from jumping on every call. I am averse to fear.  My old habit tendency is to push it away. 

Resisting in preference of something else

Preference also plays a part in my avoidance resistance.  I prefer  to be here in front of this computer doing what I do. Sigh. This morning, I hesitated too long again, even though I got up to be ready and the calls were taken. I felt a twinge of guilt, yes but I also  felt soooo relieved and so excited about being able to come here and do my own thing in a quiet house! I got what I wanted! So the thought that I was resisting work for fear and desire reasons made me feel even more like a spiritual failure.  Now that I got what I wanted and I avoided what I might not have wanted, am I stuck?  

A wise person, multiple times a day, steps back and wonders what they are doing with their life. 

Questioning

I am always questioning and wondering if I am making the best use of the very limited time I have on this planet.   Is what I am doing right now, the best use of the time I have? Certainly not making any money like I would if I did the other thing.  And I am certainly not seeking to "renounce" the world by coming here either.  I know the folly of that. But I do prefer it here. Is that preference keeping me stuck?  Am I to look at it like this:  Life handed me a series of learning adventures to choose from today and in my hesitation, I resisted them all therefore I am keeping myself stuck?  Am I to see that because there is less disturbance potential here, I am not growing as much as I could by staying here and because there is so much disturbance potential out there, in that little job I signed up for, I should be jumping on each call  regardless of what body, mind and energy are saying or doing? 

Where Do I Best Serve?

Hmmm! I could take it a bit farther...if my purpose is to simply let Life unfold through me, I could argue, it does that more through me as a vessel of words than it does a sort of "babysitter", doesn't it?  If I am to serve Life ...do I not serve it better here than I do there?  Where am I doing the most good...serving more?  It seems "here" would be the answer to that.

Where do I serve Self more? This spiritual practice I do here  helps me tremendously to grow but is it challenging enough?  If I am compassionate with myself, is it not okay to say, "It was more important for you to be here while your body, mind and heart were recovering than it was to be challenging yourself?" This  was the  best place for me to be then, in reference to the past?   Maybe, it was the best place to be, because it was as it was and there is no going back.  And in the future...should I be putting my energies more "here" or "there" ? Something in me says "here". Maybe I need to look at just getting a day in a week "out there" so I am getting "out there" and spend most of that precious time here ? Or is that just rationalization?  Is it just safer to be here? I don't know. Maybe it is time to take my inner practice out there. I don't know.

Maybe Life does not give a darn about whether I am here or there.  Maybe it doesn't care what I chose to do or not do. Maybe it just wants me to stay open so it can pour through me. How I open up and where I open up is not the issue  I just need to stay open.??

Man this is confusing.  I will meditate, and pray and  allow the answers to come.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( April 10, 2023) Real Growth Means Inner Change. https://tou.org/talks/

Happy Easter! Happy Awakening!!

 

This is the Easter message, that awakening is possible, to the goodness of God, the sacredness of human life, the sisterhood and brotherhood of all.

Anne Lamott

Happy Easter! (I decided to trust while I take a certain precaution that I won't share here). 

Anyway, it is a glorious morning.  The sun is bright as the earth around this form and mind I call "me" wakes up.  I feel a certain awakening, as well, inside this "me" on this Easter morning, a symbolic time of awakening and resurrection. I just feel a bit of Shakti, possibly?  Or maybe, it being an important day on the Christian calendar, I should call it "Holy Spirit"?  Regardless I feel a certain detachment to all things that once seemed so important to me...like, for example, the specific terminology, rituals and beliefs I once clung so tightly to around this holiday.  I feel a detachment from concepts, beliefs and names and labels...in general, I guess. Things just don't seem to matter like they used to: holidays, gifts, material things, rituals, ideologies, expectations, time, bodies, me-me stuff.  I feel lighter...and recognizing how much lighter I feel...makes me feel even lighter lol. It is very "freeing".  I feel more "tranquil" than I did before and this tranquility seems to be apparent to others. I, for example, walk into my grandson's room last night when he is crying, agitated, unable to settle, even for his mother, and he takes one look at me...stops crying, curls up and settles. When I get up to leave he begins crying again until I sit myself down and wait for him to fall asleep. It isn't "me" that settled him but a certain peaceful light that is in us all, and that "me" is  finally getting out of the way of. 

I realize that I have attained ( if I dare use a measurement term like that) a certain stage of inner  evolution. I am indeed waking up and knowing that is as glorious as this morning.

All is well

Trust?

 You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.

Frank Crane

I want to trust... I do. I want to trust that what I do here has meaning and value to at least myself.  I want to trust that I am where I am for a reason and that it will all unfold exactly as it is meant to.  I risk being deceived in order to avoid the torment of suspicion. So I have chosen to trust this site and the internet to get what I feel  I need to say out there. I don't focus on outcomes...I just let it go.

I do not think much about it after I write or add to this blog. Yet, every now and again I get these icy fingers down my spine and this knot of distrust in my gut.

I appear to be  missing content from some of my entries...I mean wiped clean.  This is not the first time this has happened.  I have even had entries from way back  transposed on to different pages.  I can tell, for example, because in a December  entry about "Walking in the woods  on a winter's day", the actual  entry will be about the summer. I am not sure how many are like that but there is a few, as I go back.   It is like how did that get there and why is it now there?  Who has the ability to access and edit? Why would they? This leaves me feeling very uncomfortable with the site.  I wrote a good long entry on expression and suppression the other day. Today,  I find it in "draft" mode and open it up to discover that it is gone from the "edit post" page. All that is left is Michael A. Singer's reference. I am like what?  What is happening.? That entry was important to me....said something significant and now it is gone...wiped clean?  And it has gone from published to "draft". How does that happen? 

Yesterday, I wrote about how good it was to come here...but by "here" I mean to a reliable and trustworthy medium.I don't mind obscurity...not at all. But.... I don't want to fuss and worry about what I write after I write it.  It is one thing that readership suddenly just stops every now and again, and quite another thing that what I am writing is possibly being taken for whatever crazy reason. It is hard to get comfortable with what I do here,  in those cases. I don't want to be suspicious or anxious. I don't want to be overprotective and possessive of what comes out of me here either... but I need to know that what I am doing here has wholesome purpose and meaning.  I need to know that this time and effort is not  just supporting and serving the selfish, unwholesome needs of others. 

I am hoping it is all just a mistake on my part.  That I somehow drafted and deleted this entry on suppression and expression...that I somehow accidently transposed those other entries?? I want to trust this site. I want to trust this medium of expression, I do.  At the same time, I ask for and pray for a little more clarity.  Is this the site I am supposed to be on?  Is this the medium I am supposed to be using? Is this where I will do the most good?  The answers will come.  I know they will.

He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted.Lao Tzu

All is well. 

 

Progress

 The real spiritual progress of the aspirant is measured by the extent to which he[she,they] achieves  inner tranquility.

Swami Sivananda

I don't know how one measures their progress on this journey to the point they can explain it  or if they even can.  It is through concepts and ideas; comparisons  and expectations that we humans tend to measure progress, isn't it? This goes beyond all that.  If we are truly progressing these mental structures become obsolete. So maybe as long as we are using them to check how far we have come...we have a long way yet to go?  

I still use concepts and ideas like "getting there" or " not there yet."  I still compare myself to others but mostly to where I was before. And I still have expectations of where this will take me and even where "I should be" and where "I shouldn't be" at this point. 

All I know conceptually and even intuitively is that I have come quite a distance. I have grown from ego infancy to a certain level of spiritual maturity and understanding.  I am more tranquil than I ever was. I see myself dealing with some pretty big things without "reacting" or being bothered in ways I used to be. So maybe that is progress? I am not sure if "knowing"  that even matters at all.

All is well in my world

A Waste of Time and Effort?

 

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitation, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world.  Dormant forces, faculties, and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed to be. 

Patanjali

I am not sure that what I do here is a great purpose or an extraordinary project but it does feel very important to "me" if to no one else.  Coming here, learning and expressing what I learn for nonpersonal and personal reasons seems to be the most important thing I "do" these days. It, (and my yoga practice/teaching) seem to be the only doing - things that makes sense to the  part of me that I can still not make complete conceptual sense of.  

This stuff doesn't make sense to the ego...oh no, it doesn't make a lick of sense to ego.  That part of my mind still operating as "little me" with all its demands and directions on how I should "do" and be in this physical world is constantly reprimanding me for coming here every morning.  I mean there are a few  times it is "pleased", like  when the readership for the day is up passed fifty or I write something that appeases its technical and public pleasing nature....But for the  most part, the egoic part of my mind is telling me that this is a waste of time and maybe even talent ( ego likes to redeem and shame at the same time, right? So it throws the "talent" word in there every now and again.)  On the other hand,  it tells me I should be ashamed for being where I am in Life: barely working, not keeping up with appearances, prioritizing this "woo-woo" stuff over the practical etc.  It reminds me that so much time and effort is spent here,  at the  expense of other, "more acceptable" and paying  ego pursuits. It harps on about how there are so few readers, no recognition, no income...and other things that the  productivity inclined and people pleasing ego claims I need in order to survive psychosocially in this world. It suggests I do other things, go elsewhere , and if I insist on writing, that I write more "publishable and people pleasing" stuff. I even try to heed its advice and follow its directions by doing just that. I tell myself I am going to spend less time here so I can be out there more. I go to my other stuff. I go to my other writing. I tell myself I am going to stay away.

But when the morning light streams through my window, all I can think to do is get my tea and come here.  This is how I "want" ( if I dare use that word) to spend my morning hours...surrounding myself with wisdom, seeking the wisdom inside me and getting closer and closer to that elusive "waking up".  It does not feel like "striving" or struggling or needing.  It just feels so "natural"...This seems to be a natural place to put down all I am learning and a natural place to release all that which I am letting go of...a landing mat for the shakti that is beginning to trickle out of me 

That thing that exists beyond the veil of ego mind, with all its likes and dislikes and its obsessive desire to protect itself,...is pulling me here. It is crazy.  I feel as if if this is where I am supposed to be.  Few things matter more to me. And I don't understand it  conceptually...not at all!!  It is like "What the Fork?"

...Still here I am.

Every morning, as if pulled by the same thing that pulls the tides, I find myself here...listening, reading, meditating, reflecting, observing my old mind tendencies, learning and then sharing. I love the process of putting it all together, this practice gives me.  And when I say "me"...I mean the deeper part of me.  I am finding this Self I call "me" to be a greater person than I ever dreamed to be.

How can that be a waste of time and effort? I am giving here in a way that I do not give anywhere else...completely and freely with this sincere hope that I and others will awaken just a bit more because of what I am doing with the  morning moments that unfold in front of me.

That brings me to this quote. 

The highest life anyone can live, is one where every moment that passes in front of you is better off because it did.

Michael A. Singer

Anyway, all is well!

Dark Night Induced Meaninglessness

 You can look on the world without imposing a mind made framework of meaning.

Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle, in the video below, tells us that the proverbial, "dark night of the soul",  is  the period in our lives where we lose teh ability to apply a  sense of conceptual meaning or belief to our experiences.  It is a period where we, for what ever reason, can no longer use  the mind to explain and describe who we are or how we are experiencing the world . It is a time of darkness, emptiness and meaninglessness.  I seem to be going through that now.  It is challenging. Some would call it depression and a very negative unnecessary experience but other wiser individuals may refer to as a wonderful and necessary step toward enlightenment. I see it as a blessing that has the potential to  accelerate my journey. 

Please note, I am not discounting the biological and situational causes of depression...I am just saying, in my case, at least, I know that what I am experiencing is taking me somewhere.  I, am by no means,  "enjoying" the experience of this dark night full of confusion and chaos, but I am doing my best not to judge it.  I am allowing Life to do what she must do to get me where I need to be. Things don't make a lot of sense to me right now.  Things I once found important just don't seem that important anymore. "My" life seems a little empty and meaningless. But I am going to trust Life. And I am standing back observing this period of conceptual meaninglessness.

Conceptual meaninglessness is not a bad thing.  Getting beyond the attachment we place on concepts and beliefs can take us to where we really want to be. We have created a veil between who we think we are, and who we really  are, by using the mind and then listening to the mind, following every direction it gives us.  The veil is all the stuff the mind created about  who "little me" is and what is important and what we must do to feel good inside etc. Breaking down this veil , that really has no value, isn't a whole lot of fun but it is necessary if we want to wake up.. 

You do not have to struggle to reach God, but you do have to struggle to tear away the self made veil that hides him from you.

Yogananda

In A Course in Miracles,  the first six lessons help to dismantle this veil and to induce a sort of  voluntary dark night.  In lesson one we look about our room at random items, removing conceptual meaning from them, as we  say, "This_____does not mean anything".   In Lesson Two, we remind ourselves that we have given each of these items all the meaning they have for us.  There really is or was  no meaning there before teh mind did its thing. Then we admit to our confusion in Lesson Three. We admit that we do not understand anything that we see. (Think about it! We really do not understand anything, do we?) We take this confusion and this dismantling of meaning to our thoughts in Lesson 4. In lesson five and six we remind ourselves that we are not upset for the reasons we think we are. We are seeing something that isn't there in every upset. It is an illusion created by the veil in which we see through.  We then need to equalize all upsets, not judging some as big and some as small.  All upset is due not to what has happened inside or outside of us but to the meaning the mind placed on it. 

Wow! I have done these lessons a few time but just thinking about it now...I see teh wisdom in them even more! This wisdom is echoed in so many traditions in various ways. Hmm! I love when I can connect the dots between different things I read and studied.

Anyway, I must continue shuffling along through this glorious dark night.

All is well. 

ACIM (2011) Workbook For Students. Foundations for Inner Peace

Eckhart Tolle ( January, 2023) Going Through A Dark Night of the Soul. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DrR6rSJhN0

The Path of Analyzing and Controlling the Mind

 You may control a mad elephant; 

You may shut the mouth of the bear and the tiger; 

Ride the lion and play with the cobra; 

By alchemy you may earn your livelihood; 

You may wander through the universe incognito; 

Make vassals of the Gods; Be forever youthful; 

You may walk on water  or live in fire; 

But control of the mind is better and more difficult. 

Yogananda

I am committed to my path, I am.  But sometimes it seems more challenging than shutting the mouth of a bear.  I am still stuck on the step of confusion and chaos, it seems.  I am still stumbling and bumping my way through the proverbial, "Dark night of the soul," I have stubbed my toe many, many times! I am not giving up, though.  In fact, I am even more inspired than ever to keep going. Why? Because, taming the mind,  is all that makes sense to me right now. It seems to be the only true solution to the darkness...the only thing, I know in my heart, that will bring lasting light to the world.

I have always been fascinated by the human mind: other people's minds but mostly my own. Self-analysis was always kind of my thing, even before I consciously began this journey to awakening. 
Now I can see where that interest has taken me. It has led me to the opening of this path. It has shown me what the root cause of suffering was and where I have to go to be free of it.  Where do we go to be free of suffering?  To the mind , of course, and then beyond! Through  looking inward, and questioning why we think the way we do, act the way we do, feel and experience (or not experience) life the way we do, we help to create the beautiful  art of universal healing, of understanding and wisdom.  I want to be an artist! What about you?

Millions of people never analyze themselves. Mentally they are mechanical products of the factory of their environment, preoccupied with breakfast, lunch and supper and going here and there to be entertained. They don't know what or why they are seeking, nor why they never realize complete happiness or lasting satisfaction. By evading self-analysis people go on being robots. conditioned by their environments. True self-analysis is the greatest art of progress. 

Yogananda

All is well in my world. 

Paramahansa Yogananda (1936) Autobiography of a Yogi. Kindle edition.

You can get a free Ebook PDF copy of this book through https://www.freespiritualebooks.com/

Steps In the Space Between

That space between reaction and awareness is what you are here for.

Michael A. Singer

So we are here to  grow and evolve.  There is a space between our infantile reactivity, our focus on "poor little me" with  all its desires and fears  and our coming to  awareness...full awakening.  "Growing up " is a journey that occurs in steps, according to Michael Singer and many others. I can attest to many of these steps because I have taken them (and I have tripped on them)  as I make my way to full awareness. 

The steps are,, I believe:

1. Reactivity: where we react with out thought, like temper tantruming toddlers and their "me-me" proclamations, to the life circumstances that surround us. This is where we begin to build our psyche ( the collection of all our learned experiences) and begin writing the lists of our wants and don't wants. 
2. Planning: as we begin to grow we realize that reactivity only gets us in trouble, giving us more of what we don't want and really doesn't help us get what we want...so we learn to plan.  We have collected, in our psyches, all those experiences that felt "good" inside and we plan ways to manipulate, seek and attain that which will continue to make us feel good.  We have also "learned" to decipher what things and circumstances made us feel "bad" inside and we plan ways to fix what is broken "out there"and we plan ways to protect ourselves from more of these situations. We reinforce this idea of "me"...we reinforce our psyches. The power of unfulfilled desire is at the root of all man's slavery. Yogananda
3. Noticing: We begin to notice and observe what we are doing in regards to reactivity and planning; we observe that we have been doing it our whole life and that it doesn't work!  We see that even though we put so much energy into this and no matter how much we achieve in outer world standards...it isn't making us happy; it isn't taking away our suffering.  We are still constantly struggling.  We are still suffering. 
4. Realization that we are not okay: We see that  as long as we have things inside that bother us or things outside that bother our things inside we are not okay. We see we suffer.
5. Reaching a limit of not being okay: We finally have enough of these tendencies that don't work.  We finally have enough of suffering and struggle.  We just want peace!  (That is the stage where I am most times)....
6. Saying "No"to the Mind's Habit Energies : We finally put our hand up and say, "Enough! I am not going to do this any longer! I am not  going to be pulled by desire and fear anymore." ...
7. Turning inward rather than outward: We finally get it that we have to deal with what is inside and stop blaming and worrying so much about the outside. Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them. (Yogananda).  Of course we are going to be completely shocked  when we see how much we actually have stuffed inside that we have denied most of our lives.  It will be a little overwhelming. 
8. Willingness to Evolve: We become willing to step back and watch without reacting as Life does what it is here to do... We, as these troubled reactive, planning little "me"s are, at least, willing to get out of the way for that which is deeper to come through. (This stage is not about renouncing...it all about noticing and being willing not to follow old habit energies any longer ). Though actually being able to get out of the way and staying out of the way, at this point, is not that easy
9. Testing out the Seat of Awareness: We will, because of our willingness to let go,  have moments when we find ourselves centered and peaceful for no explicable reason.  In those moments we are momentarily in the Seat of awareness...we are the witness and observer.  Little "me" is out of the way.  It will seem that we got it....but... we will likely not stay here for very long.
10. Series of slips and falling back into old ways: This is a "practice" and a practice means there is a certain degree of mistakes and failures as we learn. We will fall back into old habit tendencies. That is a given. It is so important we don't punish or reprimand ourselves harshly, or give up on the process because we just don't seem to "get it" quick enough. We must be compassionate and patient  with our inner students, no matter how long it takes. Every time we notice we slip, we are progressing. The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success. Yogananda
11. Releasing and Letting Go: old stored stuff begins to emerge and rise up to our conscious awareness. The pent up energy from our Samskaras is  heading out the door.  We may be tempted here to pull it back in or push it back down because it is painful. Don't! If we slip and do , however, we can go back to step 10 
12. Moving Through Confusion and Chaos: As we begin to awaken there is stage we hit where Life seems more confusing and chaotic than it ever did before.  Our defenses have eroded away.  We are no longer using our old go-to- methods of coping with life (escaping and numbing) and Life just wants to seem to challenge us. On top of that the painful energy we buried our samskaras in is also rising up. It gets yucky both inside and outside. (Yeah...I know this stage well). This, I believe, is the proverbial "Dark night of the soul."
13.  Reinforcing our commitment:  We may be tempted to throw in the towel here...but don't.  The confusion and chaos, like all things, will pass. (Well that is what I keep telling myself. :)) We will probably have to reinforce our commitments several times with "I will do better next time!" Persistence guarantees that results are inevitable. Yogananda
14. Relax. Relax, Relax!:   It is all about relaxing, not so much about relaxing into what is unfolding but relaxing in awareness, stepping out of the way and allowing whatever is to just pass through us. Again, this relaxing is a practice  The better we get at relaxing, the more things will pass through us, and the longer we can stay centered in  higher consciousness, where things are seen more clearly...In centered relaxation, we are the "witness" of the stuff we are seeing and not the stuff we are seeing. That is a tremendous realization. We have relaxed our "attachment" 
15. Opening of the heart:  Well the heart is naturally open.  It is just through our reactivity, our fear and desiring that we closed it up.  Without fear and desire dictating our every move, the heart will naturally remain open and things will pass through much more quickly and smoothy. An open heart means we are more open to Life, allowing and embracing what is.
16. Energy Flowing: We will, according to the masters, and I have yet to experience this other than in a few glimpses and teasers, feel a surge of natural free-flowing energy as shakti, now freed from behind the blockages, pours through us. We will not only find the peace, I am doing all this for, but enthusiasm, bliss, joy and love .  It will feel amazing!  ( Well that is what I am told and what I choose to believe). It will no longer matter what is happening out there.  We will see that love, joy and peace have always been in us and as long as we stay open, we cannot be disturbed by anything. We might start to get some invisible and some visible support here. (That would be nice! :)) 
17. Questioning the Source: Where it is all coming from? Singer reminds us that we can go beyond step 16 and experience something even greater.  When we feel this energy we may begin to question where it is all coming from. What is the Source of this love, joy, bliss?  We know it is coming behind us so...
18. Falling Back  into the Source : We let everything we are still  holding onto go and we fall back into the Source.  We just let go of "me" and our humanness completely
19. Merging: Here we are said to merge...like a drop of water we fall into the ocean and once again become One with it.
20. Complete Awareness: If we are lucky, and few beings on this planet have ever reached this step, but if we are lucky here,  we realize experientially that we are simply awareness. We are as evolved as we can get. At this point, or before, we will be able to look back on our past and see that everything, everything we experienced was there to take us here. It will all make complete sense. Imagine!

Hmm! I am not sure if I will ever get past step 14 but I am willing and committed to keep  trying. It, regardless of outcome,  just seems like a very important series of steps, don't you think? Well, it is the path that feels most right to me. What about you?

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( April 2, 2023) Accelerating Your Awakening. https://tou.org/talks/

Paramhansa Yogananda (1946) Autobiography of a Yogi. Kindle Edition

No Longer Offend

When the mind exists undisturbed in the Way, nothing in the world can offend.  If a thing can no longer offend you, it ceases to exist in the old way.

Third Zen Patriarch

The Space of Unconditional Okayness Beyond the Clutter

Relax, allow your mind  to become empty, and surprise yourself with the great treasure that begins to flow from your soul.

Paulo Coelho

Sometimes I am very grateful for days when there is little to no readership.  I realize on those days that I am still trapped and caught up in the idea of me, even in my attempt to get to that place of what I call, "unconditional okayness", that lay in the space beyond "me". It leads me to think: 

The Intrigue of watching Hoarders

My "me" is a mess and my consciousness is just amazed that something can get that messy.  It is like walking by a TV while an episode of "Hoarders", is playing.  You don't necessarily want to watch  for all kinds of reasons but your mind is like, "Wow! How can a place get so bad!" So you just can't  walk away from the screen, you are transfixed on it. In fact, you find yourself sitting down watching episode after episode. You become addicted. 

The Addicted Mind to "Me" 

Well as I immerse myself into this inner world of my spiritual growth  I catch myself  looking at my own psyche and saying, "Wow!  How can  a place get so bad? !" 

Collecting The Desirable

I, like most people, have been focusing all my attention on my little "me" in action  for many, many years.  My life is a Hoarders episode and it is hard to look at anything else. Little "me", is like so many people, collecting the desirable and pushing out the undesirable or the feared. It wasn't until very recently that I have come to see the "me" as an addict and a hoarder.  At first,  I was addicted to collecting and holding onto things out there that I thought would make me feel better in here. I collected a lot of special stuff and people, pulling them inside and clinging to them. Though I denied it for a long time, I finally realized they didn't make me feel better.  They just made a mess and the more I collected the more of a mess they made.  

Pushing Away The Unwanted and Feared

I also used the mess to hide beneath. The more "stuff", the less there was of the vulnerable and unworthy  "me" to deal with. I was constantly going around organizing this stuff so it was comfortable enough in here.  That meant, however, keeping certain "unselected and unwanted" things out of my messy but familiar little world. My fear led me to close the door on anything or anyone that could possibly come in to disturb my piles or who might  judge, criticize or tell me I had to "get rid" this mess I was so addicted to.  I didn't want anyone "out there" to see the mess in here so I put my consciousness and mental energy toward  making the  outside look good so no one would notice the  inside.  I kept pushing my stuff farther and farther back away from the door into rooms that became extremely crowded. It was too hard.  Naturally, the expanding piles were growing and wanting out of their cramped containment. It was next to impossible  to keep it all contained inside...stuff landed in piles out in my yard for all the neighbors and all passer bys to see. It consumed me with shame. The shame of not being what I thought I should be was exhausting. Fixing it all, keeping it in order while I kept adding to it with more things that might make me feel better, but never did, was also completely exhausting.  The mess took over my life. It took over my conscousness...it was all I could focus on. Eventually I realized if I wanted anything akin to peace...to get to that spacious space beneath all the clutter where "unconditional okayness" existed,  I would have to clean it all up inside my mental home where I was trying to live.

The Cleansing Process

 Just like the cleaning processes on these programs, it takes a lot of time to purify one's mind...I notice in my own cleansings, one layer  of psyche is removed to reveal another layer, another messy pile and then another and another. Things I never even realized I collected come to the door. There doesn't seem to be any end to it.  It is soo painful! And my consciousness cannot seem to look away from the mess. Old tendencies emerge. I want to push it back down and/or I want to blow it out of me. There are two things we mental horaders can do when we become upset about our mess.  We can continue to suppress or we can express.

Suppress? 

Suppression is bad, right?  It means pushing down and away from our conscious awareness the mess and how it makes us feel. It is really not cleaning the mess up...it is just a matter of pushing back so we and others cannot  see it. It is still there, all jammed up inside us, cluttering the space. We are really not cleaning, really not changing and really not removing anything in the way of us experiencing peace and okayness.  Suppression does not work! So is expression the way to go? 

Express?

I get so overwhelmed with the mess sometimes that I just want to blow it all out the window with a power hose lol.  What I do, in this case,  is "express".  Expression, like suppression, though totally acceptable by modern psychologists and the like , is not really healthy, if we do it in the way I have been doing it.  When I complain, unload for the sake of just unloading, come here with my tales of "poor me" and my long list of grievances, I am simply blowing all the mess I was holding inside outside to relieve some of the pressure.  My piles...my junk... is now just polluting my yard and neighborhood. At the same time...I am still very much in possession of it.  It is still "my" stuff. And as long as it is my stuff I am not going to get rid of it. I am still attached.  I am still clinging to it, protecting it,  and using it to hide behind. That is not healing.

Let the Space of "Unconditional Okayness" Emerge

So neither suppression or this type of expression is healing.  Knowing that, we let the space that wants to emerge emerge.   We need to stop looking for more "out there" to pile up into this space, blocking it.  We now know what a mess desiring  makes. We also  need to open heart's door as each layer of mess is naturally released at a time.  As the junk  makes its way close to the door, we stop pushing it back. We also don't grab  the stuff on its way out the door by saying, "Well on second thought...I think I might need that or I could use this for something.." We let it all go. We also stop pushing away those things we fear, that may actually challenge us to do a thorough cleaning. Let the cleaning help in and let the junk go out. 

We Are the Space Where Soul's Treasures Can Be Found

We need to remember that we are not the mess and we are not even the hoarders attached to the mess.  We are the space beneath the mess, the "unconditional okayness" on top of which we piled all this useless junk. We couldn't know that because we were too busy focusing on the clutter.  In order to know that, we have to experience that space.  We can't do that until we clean out our insides of the clutter we collected and fearfully protected. Better said, we just let our insides clean themselves so the space can expand.  All we got to do is keep heart's door open so the stuff we don't need can get out and the stuff needed for cleansing can get in.  We clear the inside so space is what we can focus our whole attention on. Then we can revel in this space of unconditional okayness that just gets better, the experts say, the more we stay in it. We can keep a door open in the front and a door open in the back, so that once we are free and spacious,  Life can blow in and blow right out again without disturbing us in the least. Now that would be something. Don't you think? 

The real treasures are not the stuff we collect from the world, creating this safe familiar but cluttered space we call"me"....it is that emptiness the soul provides for.

All is well. 

Inspired by :

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( April 2 & 4th, 2023) Accelerating Your Awakening & Experiencing Love and Joy Instead of Fear and Desire. https://tou.org/talks/

Being Willing To Learn and Grow

 Reshape yourself through the power of your will; never let yourself be degraded by self-will. The will is the only friend of the Self, and the will is the only enemy of the Self.

The Gita, Chapter 6, Verse 5 (as translated by Eknath Easwaran)

So this spiritual process many of us are undertaking is basically a reshaping of ourselves from overidentification with self to realization of Self. The key component is our willingness to awaken. 

I am definitely willing. So often I find myself, however,  frustrated as I look at my awakening process. I catch my mind questioning, "Am I moving at all?",  as I continue to jot down my learning and practice highlights and lowlights here. I so often feel like I am in a vehicle going up a hill in neutral. Then I listen to Michael Singer on one of his weekly podcasts  or read something beautiful from a scripture or from another enlightened master and it is like..."Man...I am getting somewhere. I am learning.  I am growing, albeit not quickly, but steadily. "  My willingness to awaken is getting me up that hill. 

I had such an "aha moment" today upon listening to the podcast below. Yesterday I wrote about what I am learning to do with pain as a practice of relaxing into what is. I recognized that I hit a limit I was at this point not able to get beyond.  Everytime we recognize ( and record like I do here) our slip ups into reactivity,  is learning.  I see how I am catching myself sooner in my reactivity and learning to relax and to release into uncomfortable experiences like physical pain.  I see how I have accomplished so much and at the same time see there are fruit out there that remain  a little too high for my reach...for now. 

I am using my will to awaken.  I am using it for Self and not against Self...well that is what I am hoping I am doing lol.I am starting to wake up and it is very confusing and uncomfortable in here as these old samskaras rise up to the surface.  It is challenging not to degrade myself and push them back down.  The core beliefs I am reminded of are difficult pills to swallow.  Yet, I know they have to be up here and not down there if they are going to be released. Resisting them requires a use of my self-will against Self rather than for it. I don't want to do that anymore but it isn't always easy.

I would love to accelerate my awakening so I am willing to use everything taht comes my way as a means to do so. Of course I slip up but at least I am noticing when I slip up and fall back into reactivity.  That is a positive thing, isn't it?  Anyway....

Singer assures us that if we keep up with this practice, we will eventually be free of our blockages, Shakti will flow through and someday we may even connect with the Source of that shakti. But the more we let go, the easier it gets. We will eventually see that we are and were never alone. Hmmm! 

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and  all these things will be added onto you. ( Matthew 6:33)

All is well in my world.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of teh Universe ( April 2, 2023) Accelerating Your Awakening . https://tou.org/talks/

Learning And Physical Pain

 In most cases, learning something essential in life requires physical pain.

Haruki Murakami

So tired!  I had a very, very rough night of pain...and not chest pain, abdominal pain.  I can handle pain...I can.  With my practice I am learning to relax into all experiences even physical pain. 

Easy Learning

 I started with Charlie horses, which can be pretty nasty,  years ago and I can say that I have mastered it.  Every time I have one, I resist the urge to resist...meaning that I do not give into  old pull - the- hand -away from -the flame - reflexes. I assure my amygdala that it is all good, that there is no immediate threat to my survival, that the pain will come and the pain will go. Instead of automatically jumping up and down in hope of putting out the internal fire...I still myself.  I release anywhere I am starting to clench up and I breathe.  I simply breathe. Now a charlie horse can skip up the pain scale pretty fast to an 8/10, right?  Especially if we are adding extra muscle tension to it with our resistance of it...and they can last a good five minutes.  But with my practice I am able to get the immediate  pain to go from an eight to a two or a three.  I also give it the opportunity to do its thing and be gone in less than a minute. What a difference! It was easy to practice with Charlie horses.

Intermediate Learning

Then I went to chest pain. I handle my chest pain remarkably well.  In my practice, I am learning to remove all story and narrative from the experience, all worry and concern about possible outcome.  I remind myself there has been no fatal consequences or critical damage done to the heart in the 25 + years that I have had it therefore the likelihood of there being damage now is minimal.  Most of the resistance one has to chest pain has to do with fear.  Without fear there is less resistance, without resistance, there is less pain. Again, I resist the urge to resist it. ( and am learning, albeit not as quickly,  to not push past it).  I am learning to sit with it and I simply breathe while I become aware of areas of the body that are not experiencing pain sensation. If the pain still  reaches a 6 or 7 on the pain scale or persists after a half hour of rest, I will take nitro...and do that protocol. I also look deeply into the root causes of the pain experience...what is going on in my life or my mind that might be triggering old samskaras.  Long story short, I take a lot less nitro! And I have not gone into emergency with this pain in about six years!  

I am learning to do it with other pain as well.  Like the pain I started getting in my LUQ about a year ago.  That was easy because it was never that bad but not knowing what was causing it and it being where it was, led to concern about it and my seeking an answer for it. ( to no avail). Which made the pain a little more intense than it had to be.  I was able , once again, after a lot of heart to hearts with my amygdala, to assure it there there was no reason for  worry. That led to a decrease in intensity of the pain experience.  The left lower quadrant  pain ...is fairly easy to handle, as well, especially  with the mind relieved by evidence that it is just a benign cyst. When the mind with all its analysis and worry is out of the picture, physical pain is so much easier to handle.

Advanced Learning and Failure

But as I practice ,the challenges are getting harder.  The pain I am most challenged by is abdominal pain.  Now I am used to abdominal cramping...I have had a lactose intolerance all my life and know what happens when I eat dairy. Those middle of the night sessions can be pretty intense ...reaching an 8 easy on the scale and lasting, hours and hours,  right through to morning.  I have  had plenty, plenty of those.  So I have been practicing there with the "waves" of pain. I can relax in all the in between sessions and in the crest and trough of the pain, but when it peaks it is a lot more challenging.  So I just remind myself I am riding a wave.  The water will be still, then it will crest and peak but after that peak...it will trough again and settle into a peaceful remission until the next wave of pain. And eventually, the mission of the waves, will be accomplished and the pain will be gone....until the next time I eat too much dairy again. This is, of course, the same technique  that Lamaze uses with labour contractions.   I understand the physiological mechanism of this pain so well and that is helpful.

What is the  Mind Doing In Our Pain Experiences?

I also notice and am still quite shocked by the  psychological aspects of this pain, any intense pain I experience. After an episode I feel relief and hear myself saying...okay ...you took your punishment well.  Now you have earned a bit of  rest, a right to tend to the fatigue and other symptoms that remain..  It is like I give myself permission to sink into the recovery period of pain without guilt or shame...only if I did some intense suffering.  That old core belief, associated with that old smaskara deep within me , that tells me  I need to suffer through Life in order to earn my right to be here,  emerges. The only way I can truly "nurture" myself, stop "doing" for others etc,  is if I earned that right through intense suffering. Hmmm! It is only then, I feel I can turn to someone and say, "I had a rough night.  I had a lot of pain." Otherwise, the discomfort of others drowns out my own.

So anyway...I am learning.  We can learn so much through all our experiences...each human experience can help us to evolve at the deeper level. Physical pain can offer such an opportunity. But sometimes, it isn't easy.  Last night...it wasn't easy. Something has been going on in my gut for a long time but man...it reached a peak last night.  I woke up at two with that sweaty restless feeling I  had the last few nights but this time there was pain, a type of abdominal pain I am used to but it was much more intense.  I began practicing right away by relaxing into the pain, breathing, self talk etc but the pain shot up to a ten on the scale very quickly and each peak of pain was lasting so very long, getting stronger and stronger with each wave. My usual go to of "walking pain off" was not able to work because I was so very weak with it.  I could only walk a few feet even during the little pause between the waves because my body was threatening to collapse.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  It made me feel chilled all over between each wave of intense heat.  And I knew something was blocked...the waves of pain were fighting against a blockage and this pain was not going to go away anytime soon.  The pain increased, the faint feeling increased.  I collapsed onto the bathroom floor, shivering. I think there was so much pain, it was putting me into shock. Instead of relaxing and allowing the pain, I found myself, in some bizarre way, praying for death.  I was pleading to some force I could not see but felt was punishing me again, "If you plan on making this go on any longer than  an hour as punishment for my being here on this planet...well I rather not be here.  I can't pay this price. Put me out of my misery.  It is too much. I would rather be dead."  It was  that bad.  And then just like that it stopped...well not stopped but diminished to the point where I could crawl back into bed to sleep. It was like the teacher  pushed me to the point where she realized I was not going to pass this test and  said..."Okay, you failed this time.  I will try  you again later."  Man, I don't want to go through that again.  I am feeling better pain wise right now but my body took a beating last night. I am, however, giving myself lots of recovery time because after enduring the intensity of taht pain, I  feel I have earned it. 

Okay, crazy lady, what was the point of this big long ramble?

We can use every experience we have the opportunity to have as human beings, including the pain experience, to learn and grow. All lessons come in graduated levels .  Some lessons will be easier than others. We cannot beat ourselves up if we do not pass the advanced level tests...but, even in failure,  there is still learning in them. Facing, allowing and even embracing the challenge of physical pain can help in our practice of accepting Life, and in our practice of  relaxing into all that is.

The most important thing, I believe, is to look deeply into the psychological aspects of physical pain.  Man, it still blows me away to see that deep rooted samskara in me that screams out the belief that I need to suffer so intensely just to breathe the air on this planet, that I am being punished, deservedly so, without every bout of pain I have. 

Man...noon deserves to suffer like I did last night and I don't care what they might have done.  Imagine thinking one deserves that! 

Anyway, just sharing experiences that might be familiar to others....for learning purposes. We must learn to look at pain and and all it entails, saying.."And this too...this too belongs." 

All is well!

Soaking Your Self With Love?

 Empty handed, existence is love but is like water running from a hose. It all depends on which direction you point it.

Alan Watts

Do you point that hose of natural, free flowing love enough in your own direction, at your self?  And what part of self are we talking when we say "self"? Hmm those are pretty important questions. Ones that I am pondering right now. In a nutshell, I am realizing that I seldom show  compassion for "me"... I am seldom kind to myself. In fact, I am beyond "unkind" to myself...I am down right abusive.  Sigh!  That is somewhat difficult to admit, especially on a public forum, like this. 

So why are you sharing all this personal crap here,  crazy lady?

I believe, in the old axiom: "Go big or stay home."  So I guess that is why I spill it all out here. What I gain in terms of learning, I do so feel I must share. Of course, no one is obligated to learn from or even read anything I write. If you just happen to be reading along in any of my entries and you see me using the word "I" , you may  begin to question, " Why is this crazy lady always going on  about herself?" Please know I don't expect you to read on.  It is only if what I say resonates with something in you, should you do so.  My intention is not "egoic", (though ego is certainly still lingering around) but, even still, you may not need or even want what I have to say. 

Kind or Unkind to Self?

So let's get back to the question. Do you tend to be kind or unkind to yourself....and what part of self are you being kind or unkind to? If you notice that you are often unkind to yourself, or if you are confused about which part of self we should be kind to, please read on.  Also please note that it takes a lot of courageous and painful insight to look deeply enough into what you truly believe about yourself.

So do you love yourself enough and which part of you do you love?

The part of "me" that is challenging to love

As I reflect on my own internal experience, I see I have great respect and love for my "higher being". ( I still have not completely accepted yet that this higher being is not a separate entity but a part of what I actually am. It is pretty easy to love it as long as I still see it "out there" and not "in here"). On the other hand, I am seeing, upon some painful reflection, that I have "deep hostile contempt" for my lower being...this person I call me who is a mother, sister, partner, friend, who has roles out there in community related to teaching,  who has a limited amount of money in her account and whose body and mind are also  limited. If I look deeply and I have to go deep...I see the truth and it is painful.  To see that my relationship with myself is absent of a certain degree of love is one thing, but to see that it is  full of  hostile and overly critical "contempt" is quite disturbing.  I always knew I was one to put others needs first and to not value my own as much...but "hostile contempt"?  Wow! That is hard to swallow. 

An Example of Unkindness

For example, instead of showing myself compassion when I am ill and unable to work...I actually punish myself very harshly.  I have worked only one day in March because of everything that went down and my physical and emotional reaction to it actually exhausted me.  Chest pain was a consequence.  Now though it it is still there, it has subsided a bit and I thought I could work today when I realized I didn't have to look after my grandson. I made myself available with every intention of going in. But I became quite ill during the night with a generalized heaviness, nonstop sweating, smothery feeling and stomach upset. I tossed and turned. I just felt awful and when I finally fell asleep I get a phone call from my daughter...another crisis that I could not even lift my head to deal with.  D. took the phone from me and took over.  Anyway, that just aggravated my symptoms and long story short,  I did not go in today. 

I would totally understand if another didn't work based on these conditions, I would , but I beat myself up for my lack of availability.  Underneath the  armour of insisting and proving to others [and self] that I am not being the productive member of society I know 'I should be", for good reason,  I am constantly punishing myself. I accuse myself of  being a wimp and making too much of things, of using illness to avoid that which I fear. And the mind continues to remind me that my fear  is totally abnormal and unacceptable,  adding to the reasons why I am so much less worthy than others, why I have to pay extra rent for being on this planet that people like me just do not deserve to be on. I am often  "beating myself up" in so many ways.  Disrespect, resentment, extreme criticism, unreal expectations as to what I need to do to redeem myself so I can be at least partially worthy, prejudice, down right cruelty, hatred and abuse...that is what I feed myself, have fed myself for most of my life.  When the persona I have built to redeem myself cracks open and  I  have the audacity to say to myself or others, " I am suffering, "  man, does the verbal abuse ensue. You see, I have been taught through my experiences, that suffering is my penance. My penance for what sin? For my sin of being alive.   

Pretty drastic, eh?  You might be saying to yourself at this point, "Yeah, you really are a crazy lady." The thing is,  I am not the only person who does this when they are being less than perfect, am I?  The expression "beating myself up" would not be as popular as it it is, if I were. Many of us find it difficult to love ourselves fully, many of us are unkind and some of us, are like me, down right abusive. 

Core Beliefs and Old Programming

Now I know how irrational these thoughts and core beliefs are.  I also know where they come from and what this "little me" endured to make it think like this. Knowing that, one would think that understanding and compassion would be warranted but no...my mind just resumes the messages that others have started without an ounce of compassion, Now I have done work...so much work on the psychological and spiritual level to deprogram this messaging and sometimes I even feel that I have.  But every now and again, like recently, I am reminded that I am still tangled up in  a toxic and abusive relationship with self.  The samskaras, making it so,  are very deep.

So does  internal programing  have anything to do with our being ill? Of course, it does. It has everything to do with my heart condition!!!   I have always been a big believer in the psychosomatic cause  of all physical illness. The mind is much more powerful than the body! Though there are definite (albeit somewhat benign)  biologic, structural and genetic variables in my case, they are not the real cause of my health issues.  My mind is...more specifically...these impressions that I stored inside are. Life triggers these samskaras...they start to rise and the vicious internal dialogue starts...even if I am not actively listening for it ( or closing my ears to it by filling my mind with positive affirmations) . The dialogue comes with the emergence of the samskaras.  

It is also important to note that  these stored impressions are also arising naturally the more I practice releasing and relaxing into life. I guess one would say that the samskaras and the attached messages and core beliefs are making their way out. That is a great thing...that is what I want...The problem arises when I push them back down because they are so challenging to deal with when I have so many other external stressors on my plate. My recent bout of chest pain and whatever it was that kept me awake last night is a result of me resorting to old habit tendencies of pushing it all back down. Because the wiser part of me knows that they really need to come out, each pushing back down reaction is being more dramatically felt by my body and mind. "Get it out already!!"

Now the month of March alone was crazy, even without the chest pain thing. Crazy!!! Anyone that goes through even a part of what I went through would receive a fair degree of compassion from others. Yet, here I am beating myself up for not going to work and not fixing everyone's problems!

Patterns of Difference

Kristen Neff, an expert on Self Compassion, reminds us in the video below that there is patterns of difference between how we tend o treat others and how we treat ourselves during times of suffering. I know how I treat others, how I have treated others this month, is and was very compassionate.  I feel the others  pain, I do not judge, I give myself 100 percent, I listen.  I validate.  I talk in a very kind and calm tone.  I encouraged them to rest, to prioritize their own healing, and to nurture and nourish their lives with joy. There is no criticism...I accept and allow "all of them: the good , the bad, the ugly",  even when they get abusive towards me because of their pain. And the two people I was there for the most this month were people who literally put themselves in the situation they were in and who still refuse to take an ounce of accountability for it. I understand their resistance and the level of pain that has led them there, I do.  I have deep compassion. I am just saying.

The Dialogue to Self is not the Dialogue to Others

I did not treat myself with the same regard. Here I am, one imperfect  and tired human form, holding all this and I am beating myself up. This is what I say to myself in a tone that is very hostile and hateful: "What are you complaining about.  It isn't about you!  You are so selfish.  And you talk about being spiritual and here you are complaining about being there for others.  Why aren't you doing more?  Why aren't you there more?  Boo-hooo...so you have a little chest pain, so you are a little tired...making it all about you again are ya? Pathetic! Who do you think you are? You can't think of yourself....now  Get back out there. Serve more. Stop being so selfish. And why aren't you working?  Look at the state of your finances.  Imagine...at your age and with all that education...pathetic...you have nothing to give to people who need it...all because you decided to let a little fainting and a little pain keep you from working like a normal human being.  You could have kept working at the college ! It wasn't that bad. Now you have a chance to redeem yourself and you are blowing it! You certainly can't do it well ...everyone will know that soon enough...but at least it is a job. You are  letting this stop you again. You are just a wimp...a scaredy cat! Pathetic. Why do you think it was so hard for everyone to believe you? Because it wasn't that bad.  You just made too much of it, like you make too much of everything. God...you are pathetic. No wonder why everyone  thinks you are crazy. Why no one would want you working for them...you are just all smoke and no substance on the surface and crazy on the inside. Weird! You probably just used it because you were afraid.  Man...you are useless and unproductive...a failure really...a loser...these things are all happening to you for a reason.  You need to be punished!"  

Have you ever stopped and simply listened to how you speak to yourself and what you say? Yeah, it can be pretty brutal. Neff tells us we speak that harshly to ourselves because we are trying to drill ourselves back into shape when we feel we are losing control.  We become drill sergeant's  wanting to create strong soldiers who can  fix the situation we are losing control of. That could be true but I think we do it mostly to carry on the messaging we received from others in our past.  I know that is it in my case. 

Anyway, what do we do about it?

Turn the Hose Inward

Well you know that hose of pure and unconditional love that naturally flows through us? We need to point it in our own direction.  Give yourself a good soaking.  You deserve it ( even though your mind may tell you differently) . Watch how you treat others and know that you are definitely capable of expressing compassion and loving kindness...so turn it inward. 

Remember that Self doesn't need our love because it is Love

When we turn that light in we have a choice as to what to shine it on.  There is this little me with all its habit tendencies, its vices, its wrong view and there is the Deeper I." What self do we shine the light of love on.  That is easy...the Deeper I does not need love becasue it is love. The little me needs to be pulled up from the lower energies, into Self realization,  by the healing power of Love.  Focus there...focus on loving "me" even if it isn't a hundred percent real.

Accept all parts of "me"

Ram Dass tells us  that loving ourselves is all about accepting all parts of this "me"...all our imperfections, mistakes, unwholesome tendencies as well as all the things we do right. So write a list sometime of all the things about you that you are okay with...and then go a little farther and write down what you are not so okay with...watch your internal reaction when you get there.  Then say, "And this too!"  "This belongs and that belongs...and this too!" Even your resistance to those parts of yourself that cause you to be unkind to you...belong.  We have to notice and allow it all.  Love starts with acceptance.

Look Deeply at the Roots

Then of course, we need to look deeply at the root causes of our self hatred or lack of self love...just notice there is a reason for it. And then we need to accept that reason.  Accept that samskaras have formed in us from that conditioning and maybe even learn to love them too. Just allow it all..."And this too!" 

Notice, Reconstruct and Nurture

Then take a step back, breathe and notice when you are talking to yourself less than kindly or failing to give your self what it needs at the time. Notice and reconstruct those old patterns and tendencies with new behaviours, new words, new tones. It may take some time to do but we can learn to treat ourselves better.

Stop Resisting, Stop Pushing the Samskaras Back Down and Let Go

Most importantly, we need to stop pushing back down what is coming up for reasons of shame and fear.  When the samskaras start emerging , let them...with them will come the old habit tendencies of self abuse ...notice, allow and then let go.  We have to let them come up , no matter how much buried pain comes up with them, if we want them out. Let it all go.

Hmm!  Well that is how I see it anyway but what do I know?

All is well.

Ram Dass (2023 ) Self Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUDaQHKELpk

Kristen Neff (July, 2020)Self Compassion in Difficult Times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoqSvlakeSQ

Alan Watts(Feb 2020)  We Must learn To Love Ourselves https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jK-_0CTRezU

I See Your Pain

 I See Your Pain

I see your pain.

My imperfect human heart hugs yours,

Though it feels  crushed 

under the weight of sufferings' strangulating hold

and mind wants nothing more than to pull back,

I am learning,  through steady  practice,

to stand my ground 

and not look away.

Though I cannot fix it...

I see your pain.

You tell me,

I seem so cold and distant

 as I stand above you

in my mechanical detachment, 

but these tears that trickle  down my cheek

are warm and real.

Though I cannot fix it,

I see your pain.

This hand that reaches out,

though cold and trembling,

weak and tired, 

wants to offer you that which

lays beneath this aging form.

I long to feel 

those  clenched up fingers of yours

opening and  relaxing into my sweaty palm

where my own life force,

escapes in a natural desire

to mix with yours,

to mix with the world's. 

Life touching Life,

 as all made up

borders and boundaries disappear

is what we all long for,

whether we know it or not.. 

You pull your hand away

but I do see your pain. 

Though I cannot fix it....

I see your pain.

I do not validate outwardly

in the way  you want me to with:  

"Poor you" and "This is not fair." 

Instead,  I stand here quietly,

absent of advice,

absent of expression,

absent of solutions as to how

to fix it 'out here',

so you can feel better "in there"

but I see it. 

Though I can not fix it,

I see your pain.

I  see the prison walls 

the  names, labels and diagnosis'  

have built around you,

making your world so small

and your discomfort so great. 

I see those busy hands of yours

reaching through the bars

and fidgeting about in an attempt 

to control and manipulate 

all that exists around you 

so it doesn't get past your shields.

I see them reaching, seeking, clinging 

to anything  "out here" 

that brings comfort "in there".

I see them somewhat apologetically 

grasping for numbing relief

if they  cannot stop the  arrows from

getting through 

to  your tender spots.

I also see the  chain mail 

you have wrapped around 

your fragile, broken heart. 

in hope of protecting it 

from all the unpredictable 

arrows life may throw your way.

I see your fear.

Though I cannot fix it,

I see your pain.

I see the pain in you,

I see the same pain in the world.

And there is so much.

I am still tempted at times

to resort to old  habit tendencies,

  I so want  to squeeze my eyes shut 

when the  images of dirty faced,  

and starving children 

with their swollen bellies and fleshless legs

unfold before me.

I want to drown out the homeless beggars'

plea for work, for food, for  help

or simply to be seen,

as I walk by with my cellphone to my ear. 

I am so tempted  to turn my back on those, 

who so lost in their own pain,

do desperate things to undeserving others.

I want to pretend that innocent beings 

are not getting sick,

not hurting  and are not dying

needlessly 

all over the world for reasons that do not

make sense to me: war, poverty,  a lack of care,

arrogance, prejudice and greed.

The world is constantly showing me,

in flickering flashes that pierce my retinas

and pierce my heart...

that there is suffering in it.

I want to close my eyes, turn away 

or pretend otherwise

but I don't,

not anymore.

I see what is there for me to see.

I cannot fix it,

 but I see your pain. 

My mind often tells me, 

that  the pain is too much

for this imperfect human form to carry.

It fearfully warns me 

that my own tiny  heart 

will  be smothered to death by it,

that this  little being I call "me" 

will not be able to withstand the weight 

of all the suffering I see, 

including the suffering I see in you. 

It tells me to look away 

but I don't....

not any more.

Though I cannot fix it,

I see your pain.

I understand your resistance,

I do.

I, too, once wrapped my heart in 

stories and  armour so it

would not be overwhelmed by the suffering in this world,

the suffering I assumed the world forced upon me,

but the armour proved to be more constricting 

than the suffering. 

I took it off...

and now my heart  is raw, vulnerable, 

terrified and excited 

as it beats in a desire to be open,

expanding more and more with everything I see. 

Through my own practice 

of embracing and welcoming all that is,

I see your pain

more clearly than I have ever seen it before..

Though I cannot fix it, 

I see your pain.

I also see beyond  your pain.

When I stand back

just a step, just a breath away from it, 

I see the ugliness, yes

but I also see the beauty.

I see the darkness, yes,

but I also see the light.

I see the chaos, yes,

but I also see the order.

I can see the perfection in it all.

When I relax into what is,

the  human part of me  feels

while the being part of me sees.

It is a perfect combination. 

My human heart cries for you 

but my soul rejoices

as it cries out,  "And this too!!

This too...this too belongs."

I see how all of it belongs, my love,

all of it.

The beauty belongs  

and the ugliness...they are One.

The rightness of the world belongs 

and the wrongness of it...they are one. 

The light belongs

and the darkness...they are one.

The 10,000 joys belong,

as do  the 10,000 sorrows...they are one.

I see it all...

and though I can not fix it,

I do see your pain.

At the same time

I look upon the ugly darkness 

that appears to be consuming you....

I can see past your expressions of agony,

past your shields and defenses, past  your resistance; 

I see past  your wounds and broken pieces

to the heart of you....

 beating, beating, beating

in perfect rhythm,

undisturbed by any of it

as it prepares you

 with each constricted splash of blood

for an opening and release

that will save you from yourself . 

I see the light ,

I see your freedom

waiting  beyond the heavy veil of your  pain,

waiting for you to allow it all in.

Just allow it all in , 

by opening your eyes and heart  to what is.

Though I can not fix it, 

I see your pain...

my love, 

and it is glorious.  

Dale-Lyn, March, 2023

What I Learn From Chest Pain

 

Yoga is the practice of tolerating the consequences of being you.

The Gita

Sometimes it is hard to be a "me" constantly triggered by Life. 

An Excuse to Hide Away From Life

Chest pain persists off and on and I am looking for a place to hide out from the world. ( Well...I am trying to avoid those parts of the world I am having such a visceral reactive response to!). So I come here.  I am telling people I have chest pain, which I really don't like to do unless I need to use it as a legitimate reason to hide out. That is what I am doing with this chest pain.  I am using it to "my" benefit, as an excuse to rest. Well, as an excuse to "escape".  . 

Listening To A Friend

 Angina really isn't a problem for me anymore.  After years of allowing it to seemingly take so much of my life away [in my mind only], I have learned to live with it amazingly well. Where as at one point, I did what ever I could to resist it, deny it, push past it etc because of the worry and shame it provoked in me, now I stop and listen. I am no longer worried about it, concerned about the outcome and I don't feel the need to waste energy trying to get others out there to look after it. I have gone beyond simply accepting it, to befriending it.  I see what it offers me in terms of learning and keeping me on track in my growth.  I do treat it in the allopathic way when it arises.  I am not stupid.  I take a medication on a regular basis that really helps and I rest and take nitro when I need to. But I am not worried about these episodes at all.  

When I have a cluster of pain that comes and goes over 3-4 days, I simply stop and say, "Hello my old friend.  What is going on in my life or in my mind that you want me to pay attention to?" 

"Look after Yourself"

I am always reminded that I am failing to be compassionate and kind to self.  It is the heart right?  Chest pain  has to have something to do with love. It is a key sign that I...this body and mind...need to have the same degree of kindness, service, compassion I am offering to others,  applied to it. I don't know why it is referring to the "me" part of Self, but until I am fully realized that might be where it is pointing me. Which is kind of confusing being that I am on a quest to diminish "me" for "I am".  Anyway...it is a plea for Self-care and Self-love.  I do recognize that though I may not always heed that suggestion like it wants me to.  

"Rest"

 The most important step to do in an angina attack is to physically rest.  The pain is also telling me to rest. Unless I can use this need to rest as a way to avoid those stressors that some would say are causing my chest pain and to which I now know are simply triggering what is already there and my resistance to it....I may not rest. I still tend to push past it, to keep giving to others, at the expense of self. Why? See above.  I don't care enough about myself. That takes me to the third thing it is telling me.  

"You have some pretty sick stuff in there!"

There are some unwholesome things stuffed in me that I need to release. At the root of this chest pain is a samskara arising to the surface.  An impression of a deeply wounded little girl who is shame and fear based to the core because of past trauma is triggered by certain external stressors. Intense feelings of unworthiness arise. as well as a fear that I might hurt more deserving others in my attempts to get what  I need from life to just survive physically.   I tend to give, give, give in an attempt to redeem myself....compensate for my unworthiness.... as I often say, "pay extra rent for being on a planet I don't deserve to be on." The denying of the chest pain, the pushing past it...the seeing it, (as well as the shaming I received in my presentation of it),  as something I simply "deserve" for taking up air that others could be breathing,  is a conditioned reaction to  these twisted and sick core beliefs. 

"Get rid of the blockages"

When that samskara begins to unravel...man is it messy in here. The messier it is in here, the more chest pain I feel out there.  It is a bit of a cycle. Chest pain is both a reaction to a body that has been not taking care of itself because it doesn't see itself as worthy, absorbing and owning the stress of others,   and it it is also a trigger for the release of this samskara.  Double whammy! My heart is physically closing in an attempt to keep the pain of that old wounding from coming to the surface, preventing those specific triggers out there from pulling them up. And the physical closing (vasospasms)  causes pain that triggers the samskaras so they will be released. The chest pain is actually trying to do me a favor.  The only  way of truly healing emotionally and physically is by getting rid of these blockages.  I honestly believe that if I could release all that old junk once and for all, there would be no more chest pain. My heart would truly be open , remaining so. It would be like a balloon angioplasty for the soul. Yoga, I believe is the best medicine for that.

Not There Yet

Sigh!  So...I know all this but I still have a long way to go to "realizing" it.  I spent the last few days resorting to old habit energies. Going between shaming myself and using the chest pain to avoid dealing with Life. I was shaming myself for the chest pain and the fatigue that comes with it...for not doing more...like cleaning the  house, or spending more time at my daughters (even though I spent six hours there yesterday), not picking up a work day, not offering my yoga classes, not doing more for my grandchildren and children  etc....I was really beating myself up. The old unworthiness samskara was flowing into my psyche like a broken faucet because  of the stressors I have been dealing with. 

Don't Need an Excuse To Say "No"

Then when I felt the "stress" was too much I told myself well I will use this chest pain, not for the purpose it was meant for, but to further resist life.  It seemed the only plausible excuse I could use   to avoid the stressors that were triggering me, so I could say to those others who seemed to need me, "Sorry! I can't be there 24/7 because my heart is acting up." I don't worry about my heart but I know they do, so I will occasionally share with them when I have chest pain in hopes it will reduce the demands. Sometimes that works...sometimes ( maybe not so much this time) they will cut me some slack and stop demanding so much of me. It really didn't work yesterday but I am trying it this morning.  Like, . "Just give me a morning to myself ...if you can't give me a whole day so I can rest up enough to be there for you."  I don't take a call for work even though I need the money...I can't risk working with this... so one would think...yeah that is a legitimate excuse .  But man...why do I have to have others reminding me that it is okay to  take the time I need to rest when I am not well?  Why do I have to wait until I am a spray of nitro away from emergency to say, "No. I can't give you all that you need...it is too much for one person." ? Again...that samskara  is operating. It is challenging to be assertive and say no when you feel, not only unworthy, but that  you are the cause of everyone's misery. Hmm! 

Sharing the Pathetic Pieces

BTW...it is really embarrassing to see how pathetic this "me" is in its core believing . Wow! I know how irrational these thoughts are.  I do but the feelings stuffed inside don't give a darn about how much I think I know. Then why the heck are you sharing it, crazy lady?  I figure I am not the only one....in fact, I know I am not the only one who has a physical ailment as a result of a samskara related to deep seated shame and unworthiness.  Maybe not to this specific degree or detail...but similar.  

Have you ever taken the time to investigate  the relationship between your own body symptoms and your samskaras? Have you looked into your core belief's and the wounding they come from? 

I find it absolutely fascinating! And that is what I want to spend my time doing.  Not enabling, or being in a situation where I am really not serving anyone, least of all me. I know the best way I can help anyone is to get rid of my blockages  so I can be there for them in a non-resisting and open way...

Anyway, how I rambled this morning when I was  going to take my hiding away time to simply rest. Maybe this "looking deeply" is a better use of my time. 

All is well.