Quoting Einstein

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.  The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Albert Einstein  (Brainy Quote)

About the Quote

I went on a search for a quote this morning.  I didn't know what I was going to write about so I did as I often do: I went to Google search and  I typed in "Quote of the day".  Well all kinds of things came up but my favorite quote site appeared with "Quote about today."  Oh...that caught my attention  so I went there and while there...I came across this as well as many other great quotes. 

This one caught my attention for many reasons. 

I love Albert Einstein.  I find him wise beyond his intelligence.  I definitely see the scientist in him but I also see this spiritual wisdom, he probably would never have admitted to, in his words.

I also chose it because it reminded me of the great conversations I was a part of as I sat around my sister's table this weekend with her husband, her son and my D.  Her son is a purely scientific, technological thinker and a great questioner...he seems interested in everything, wanting to explore all but loyal to a scientific need for validation.  We talked about things like the Placebo effect, Christianity,  body as energy, quantum physics, alternative medicine, the physical and social implications of our food consumption, conscious eating...conscious living.  T

hat quote just seemed to echo the words I attempted to contribute to my part in the communication process. So it seemed apt to choose it. Most importantly, it made me feel good!  And feeling good is what it is all about isn't it? 

On Questioning and Feeling Good!

I felt good when I read those words...I felt like I was on the right track in my thinking, my living and all the questioning I have been doing lately. I am learning from yesterday and I am at the point where I am ready to let it go.  I live for today.  And I hope for tomorrow. 

I question everything and that challenges my conditioned learning. I see how that learning interferes with my ability to expand.

In letting go of my past belief systems one by one I feel a freedom in me. I am learning to "want' again and in my wanting for things in the future I am feeling joy, peace, and a wonderful flow of energy in my now.

It is in the "wanting" not necessarily the "achievement" of these things that we feel good.  ...that we live the lives we are meant for.  Whether the material things manifest or not ( and they will if we want from a healthy place) it is that sense of joy, peace, love and happiness that fills this moment we are in right now, right here that makes living so absolutely wonderful! It is all so good isn't it?

All is well in my world.

My Photos

Photography is the art of observation.  It has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them.
Elliott Erwitt

The Need to Capture More

My recently  stored images available for posting on this site are dwindling down to nothing :)  I really only went on two photo shoots this winter and I didn't always have the oompf to  take great pics :) You got what I could give you.   I know I have a whole world full of pics waiting to be taken and I will get those as my energy lifts...and it will lift...eventually. I will get out there with my cameras and get those images that make me and others say..."Yes this world is beautiful.  Isn't it great to be alive in it?"

 For now I put up pics that other kinder souls may respond to with:"ooohhhh...that's ...ummmm...interesting...or ...different?  What exactly is it? That big blob there in the middle... that kind of looks like a thumb shape...is that like a new type of effect?  Wow...it's very...ummm... abstract...."

What the Photographer Feels and Sees

It is all good.  You see what I see at the time I am behind the lens.  I see what I feel.  I feel what I think.  I think and perceive what I believe. So in a sense you see what my belief system is...my perspective on life at that moment.  Kooky, eh? 

What do you get from that less than great shot I put up yesterday? 

If I look at it for the first time this is what immediately comes up: Off balance...not aligned...a certain emptiness and space...destitution...with a pop of hope...deterioration...wasting away...stuck yet with space to move into...so much space to move into...honesty...real...authentic...no pretenses...it is what its mentality...??? 

Do you get that.  I had no idea what I was thinking when I took that shot...what frame of mind I was in but if  I see what I believe...heck...that's interesting. 

Never the Subject that makes a Shot

It is never the subject really that makes a great photo or an awful photo but where the photographer was in their frame of mind at the time it was shot.  It is the photographer's energy and how in sync vibrationally they were with the subject at the time that shows up, maybe?   Amazing concept, don't you think? Anyway, I find it fascinating that my photos can tell so much about where I am at in a space of time.  Try looking at one of my photos or any photos and guess where the photographer was at the time of shooting.

Could it be that what we feel when we look at the photo is the photographer, more so than the subject?

There is a great little writing contest out there on the net...I do not have the details...I just ran into it yesterday by accident.  A photo is shown and the contestant is to write a flash piece ( flash is usually under 250 words) related to that image.  Isn't that cool?  One is to build a story around an image...instead of create an image around a story.   Tapping into that creativity that is already there, we go beyond ourselves and our own little minds.

Anyway...on a rampage again...forgive me.  I will offer more photos eventually.  Maybe I will get some today.  Coming from this fatigue I am experiencing, they may be a little blurry lol but they will be honest.  You will know where I am at.

All is well in my kooky little world.  :)

All is well in my world.

Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.
Joseph Campbell

Then Jesus called the crowd to him once more and said to them, "Listen to me, all of you, and understand.  There is nothing that goes into you from the outside which can make you ritually unclean.  Rather, it is what comes out of you that makes you unclean."
Mark 7: 14

Unclean?

It is not the thoughts and teaching we put into our practice that makes us "unclean" but what we put out there: the thoughts, words and behaviours  that may hurt others.

I had a conversation last evening with someone I love about meditation.  This person is a born again Christian who  believes the only way to heaven is through accepting Christ as the only Saviour. She will openly admit that all the Jewish people in the world, the Hindus, the Buddhists and those of any other religious affiliations (including baptized Catholics like myself) who do not loudly acclaim, in front of a congregation before death, that they have accepted Christ as the only Saviour will be condemned to hell in the after life.

She is not alone in her belief. There are many people who believe this , including family members of mine. Though it is far from my belief...I do not see it as the "wrong" way to believe nor do I see it as the only way to believe. I respect  her point of view. 

I see how this dependence on  Christ as the only way  has helped others in the world  overcome addiction  and life altering tradegies...so I accept it (though I will often find myself arguing that God is Love and will accept us all)...but that, of course,  is usually met with resistance and deemed "New Age nonsense."   So I have learned to zip my lips and let her express her belief without offering my own. 

Meditation a way to the Unclean?

Last evening we were talking about ways she could improve her sense of well being and her life.  (She has not made very healthy choices in the past and continues to make unhealthy choices which she is not ready to discuss in any way.) I mentioned meditation, yoga, and other ways of sitting still and going inward ...and the fear just shot across her face.  "Oh No!  I do not believe in those things. You let in evil when you go there."

Instantly, I became defensive.  I thought ...I practice meditation and do yoga .   Is she saying that I, like all the millions of people who practice this, am letting evil in and is she now fearful of me as a vessel of evil? I thought of the choices she has made over the years that have unintentionally caused so much suffering for her and others...and thought...she is not afraid of that as a potential source of evil as she knows it...but she is afraid of stillness and silence. Does that make sense?  I responded with :  "Prayer is meditation"...do you let the devil in when you pray?" She quickly changed the subject.

Resisting Resistance

Even though, I knew how she thought, I was taken a back when she said that and that activated an emotional response in me.  I resisted her fear resistance.  I became afraid of her fear. I became outwardly defensive and in turn attacked her belief system.  I judged.  Though I can see where her belief gave her great peace at times...it obviously also offered very strict conditions.  Those conditions were wrought with fear based on a principle of  selective inclusion and rejection. Things I do not prescribe (man...I cannot get ascribe/prescribe/subscribe straight in my head lol...'ascribe"  to). There was clearly a lot of "evil" in her belief system and protecting self from that seemed to be the motivating force not so much doing, being and feeling good.  She was saved but  still living a life of "suffering".  How saved is that?  Is that what Christ intended for us? 

The Need To question our Beliefs Beyond Fear

This conversation was meant to happen. 

I was considering my own belief system as you know by previous entries. (That is why I am writing about this here and now...otherwise I wouldn't share this.)  I even mentioned how such reaction can lead to doubt in me.  I must confess...it did. 

For a brief moment during this conversation... I felt like a "sinner".  My  pre-conditioned ways of thinking from my own strict religious upbringing got triggered. I was brought up not to question the priest or the scriptures.  I was taught it  is the way it is simply because it is the way it is.  I was told over and over again by well meaning teachers the Catholic church was the only church...it was the chosen church started by Peter.  All other churches, even if they were Christian, were rejected.

I was taught it was a sin to think for yourself when it comes to religion, to reinterpret  or practice in anyway beyond the rituals and sacraments of the church.  I was taught about hell...let me tell ya....and I was taught about sin.   I don't know though where my greatest fear lay...in this idea of the devil or the idea of a  God who condemns, punishes and selects only a few worthy people? I was taught to fear both. No wonder why I was so messed up? 

I read the bible more than once...the gospel many, many times...there is great wisdom and truth in those scriptures.  I gladly follow the teachings of Christ but can I prescribe(ascribe!) to a belief system that punishes, condemns, selects only a few and is so wrought with fear... any longer? Can I say I am worthy of Heaven because I belong to a certain belief system and all those who think differently are not?  No...I can't. I can't. 

I open myself to all religions now...I study them, I seek the beauty in them, the wisdom, the One truth that exists in all scriptures but somehow got forgotten because of this focus on  "separateness."

I believe!  I am a believer!  But I don't believe or practice the way I was brought up to practice anymore.  What I put in to me from the outside differs, I do not want "fear" in my practice for I see no place for it  what so ever.  I want "Love" and joy and peace.  I want faith and trust.  I want stillness and silence.  I want inclusion of all. I am not sure what "evil" means anymore but I am quite sure you will not find it where I am.  I am doing my best to ensure that what comes out of me is clean.  :)

All is well!

If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and the doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

Joseph Campbell

About this blog

Do what you love.  Know your own bone; gnaw at it; bury it; unearth it; and gnaw at it still.
Henry David Thoreau

I come here everyday.  Some times I am here for a few minutes and sometimes I am here for hours but I come here everyday.  I share something.  I am completely honest and authentic when I do.  I pour  my version of truth  onto the page.  I do this ritual every single morning.  And for what? 

In my mind I do it for whomever may be reading but truth is I don't know how many readers I have...it may be only two.  Even when the stats show I hit a number as high as 50 I question if they are just registering  my own views of my  blog on  days I am reviewing what I wrote; if it is some ploy by the site to make me stay here by deceptively showing me readers who do not exist; or maybe it is some random reader who goes on a one time "waking up" binge after accidently hitting my page,  that makes the stat numbers spike a bit.

I really don't know if people are reading this. I am hoping that at least a couple of people are following and gaining something from this but I really don't know if they are.

So there really is no external compensation for my being here. There are no magical numbers twinkling across my site telling me I hit 1000 readers, let alone 100,000, to puff my ego up.  I don't have the readership other bloggers get.  I do not get praise and recognition for what I do.  I do not even get comments. I have no idea, whatsoever, how my writing impacts other people.  There are no performance appraisals or feedback.  I do not get paid.  This morning ritual is not furthering my career. in any way  It won't look good on a resume  (My topics are a little too off the wall to put this blog on a CV for agents) . 

So why the heck do I feel the intense desire and need to come here everyday?  Why do I do what I do?

I do it for the reason we all should be doing what we do...for the sheer joy of it.  I do it because I love to.  The moments spent here are  the best and, what I consider to be, the most productive part of my morning. 

Many mornings,  I find myself perched on the end of my seat, my back erect, my muscles completely engaged and with this intensity I cannot fully understand  coming from every cell of me.  Time passes without my conscious awareness.  Things can be happening around me but I am only partly aware of them.

I feel like I have some important learning to share and I want nothing more than to share it. What better way to share it than with the magic of words.  I love stringing words together in different chains and different patterns creating something that was nothing but  a little thought in my head before it hit the page.  

I am so intent on what I am doing in these moments...on what I am feeling.   I am in the moment when I am here.  I have purpose.  I have passion.   The writing feels  effortless.  It pours from me  and I always feel a tremendous relief when I complete an entry.

 "There!  My work is done!" I say to myself with a smile on my face and a big sigh.  I get up and walk away...excited in knowing that tomorrow I get to do it all over again.

Writing  is my work...whether I am paid for it or not; recognized for it or not at this time... it is my work.  It is my purpose, my play, my passion and my bliss.  How then...could I not show up here everyday?

I am confident that the way I feel about this that I do...will translate into a readership someday...a readership of like minded individuals who gain support, guidance,  insight and wisdom if not joy from what I offer.     But heck...if I feel joy...won't the world someday feel it too? If I feel joy, does it not mean that what I have to share, is worthwhile and of value?  Hmmm...

I think I will be guided somewhere along the way on how to increase readership and maybe then I will be more motivated to do so.  (Truth is...I do very little to gain external compensation, simply because I get so much intrinsically just from being here). 

Yet I am a writer and writers need readers in order to complete the cycle.  I am an educator and educators need students in order to complete the cycle.  In some small way, at least, I am a healer, and healers need people who need healing in order to complete the cycle.

 I would like to complete the cycle.  :)

All is well in my world.

More on Learning

A teacher is never a giver of truth; he is a guide, a pointer to the truth that each student must find for himself.
Bruce Lee

The process of finding truth

In finding truth, in determining what is real and what is unreal, we go through a process.  It begins by seeking, asking a question, a somewhat quiet pleading for the truth. A teacher will then show up in some form with a lesson. The lesson may be offered by the body of an actual teacher, a book, a quote, a conversation, or scripture.   The lesson may come in the form of a loss, a mistake, a life circumstance, a challenge or opportunity in which case we could say Life was the teacher.

The Teacher's Lesson

 Regardless of how or in what form, the teacher presents us with a lesson.  If the lesson holds the truth...that which we all seek whether we know it or not...we begin to own it slowly and gradually.   We begin by reciting the lesson just like we recited the alphabet to our kindergarten  teacher.  We speak it out loud, testing how it feels on the tip of our tongues. We repeat it again and again and again.  When we do this we are breathing out the learning into the world.  We are actualizing what is now in our minds.  The more we repeat, the more we begin to accept it as at least partly true. 

We may still have reservation about it.  We may still doubt if it is true but at least we are beginning to accept it.  We then study it further.  We consider it more.  We question, examine, analyze it.  We practice it.  We apply it.  We live it. We become quite serious about our learning until the lesson makes so much sense to us it can no longer be disputed.    We finally own it as the truth. We file it away in our subconscious mind where it will live forever.  It feels good!  From there we begin to teach by pointing others in the right direction.

I figure that I am at the part of my learning where I am seriously considering the validity of it. I want to accept all of it.  I take my studies seriously!  :) I know someday...there will be no doubt about what I know and I will teach others by guiding them with no more than a gentle hand on the small of their backs.

Loss is not loss when properly perceived.  Pain is impossible. There is no grief with any cause at all.  Any suffering of any kind is nothing but a dream.  This is the truth, at first to be but said and then repeated many times; and next to be accepted as but partly true, with many reservations. Then to be considered seriously more and more, and finally accepted as the truth.  I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.
ACIM  Lesson 284

 Much learning does not teach understanding.
Heraclitus ( a pre-Socratic Greek philosopher)

Life Learning

Thinking a lot about these things called "thoughts" and  "feelings" and how they are actually responsible for our lives. I am thinking about the kooky New Age philosophy of deliberate co-creating and manifesting. I am thinking about here and now and how we can make the most of this life experience.  I am thinking about the importance of "feeling good."  I am actually thinking about learning.

 It is not the first time I was here in my thought process.  None of this stuff is new to my writing  either....hey...I can even say "I wrote a book about it" and mean it, lol. Yet... I often find myself  feeling like I am learning these lessons for the first time.

It is funny how this life learning works. I am a true philosopher. I question. (I am forever questioning the meaning of life).  I seek answers. These particular answers show up in one form or another. A new way of looking at life, of living life, appears. I research further.  I read about it, hear about it, study it.... gathering oodles and oodles of information. I write about it again and again. I feel like I understand it, that I know it.  I practice it. I live it.  I eat it; I sleep it; I breathe it.  It even seems to be working for me. Then... for some reason or another...doubt creeps in...I begin to question the validity of my information.

Doubting What I learn

Why?  Because sometimes...the things I learned about and I think should be happening are not happening fast enough or in the way I think they "should.".  "Hey,"  I say to myself.  "They (all those teachers and mentors I happened upon over the years) said it would happen and I would believe once it happened but it never happened!  I am still stuck in this blasted place I don't want to be in."  When I think that way, sure enough, more evidence of just how much I am stuck in the unwanted shows up in my life.  I find myself doing a 180 and going back to old previously established learning. Those old ways of looking at the world are full of doubt.

Doubt also creeps in from the reaction of others when I express what I am coming to see as truth about life.  There is criticism, concern and even fear at times.  People tend to like what is familiar no matter how it makes them feel in the long run. They may not be ready for change in any form.  New ideas about the power of the mind can be uncomfortable and fear inducing.  That is why they and the messengers who carry them are often rejected.

Doubting the Messenger

I doubt mostly though...when I really look at the messengers who pass on this information from a place of preconditioned  perception.  When I look at the teacher,  through such a narrow lens of preconceived judgment, I wonder about what I am learning.

Let's face it... some of the sources the information comes from are  a little too "out there!" for the narrow mind to understand and accept without question. Their  means of retrieving their information can be perceived as a little far-fetched to believe: People who say they are angelic messengers, a women who says she is channelling the energy of several non physical beings; people who preach the Christian faith in a totally new way ; and yogis who say they are "mystics" and have the power to go beyond time and space while they drink cobra venom from a copper cup. 

I realize at times these "messengers" are not what people in my physical reality would call normal, authentic  or mentally healthy.  Some fundamentalists would even go so far as to say they are "evil" and that I am practicing evil magic when I take the time to listen to them, read them, or study what they teach.

I also hear from others and the voices in my own head: They wouldn't be making all this money and living the life styles they are living in...if they were truly spiritual and teaching the "truth".   They are preying on the vulnerability of desperate seekers for their own selfish gains.  They aren't really in touch with God are they?  You can't believe that nonsense?

My past social conditioning tells me that if I believe the messages they offer...I am abnormal, a sucker,blasphemous , believing in magic and/or mentally unwell. These " New Age" and "old age" (some of them were born over 5000 years ago...Patanjali, Lao Tzu etc) healers, teachers, sages do not fit into what many of us were brought up to believe was the time/space reality of North American humanity.  They are different.  How then  can I trust the messenger?  If the messenger is questionable, how can I trust the message?

Doubting the Message because the Messenger is strange

When I or others  question, I begin to doubt...to step away from this learning...to turn my back on these teachers.  I live what I learned from them a little less, practice it a little less frequently, I finally forget about the wisdom they shared and I once again  find myself down and out, thrashing about in a world I think is out to get me. ...a world I am told by the "normal people" around me is what is to be expected.  I find myself in a life situation I don't particularly want and asking, "How the heck did I get here and who the heck is responsible?  I demand to talk to the manager!!!!"

I am told by the normal people of the world...not to question the manager...it is what it is...They more or less tell me: "Be afraid...be very, very afraid but at the same time suck it up, get the job done, endure the shift which lasts at most 100 years and you can get your break then when it is all over...you can talk to the Big Guy then...He will listen then.  It will all make sense then.  Until then, it is all random experience that you will never be able to make sense of...so don't bother trying to understand what you were not meant to understand.  Just trust us and what we have been told is the truth. This is the truth because we were told it was the truth ...so it has to be the truth.  Don't question it!  It is a sin to even question it!  Believe it the way it is presented.   Believe what you have been taught; what we all have been taught...you are limited, you are sick, you are poor, you are meant to suffer.  This is life."

Wow!  It doesn't take long to  go back to believing such a horrible message for the sake of fitting in to the mentality of the majority.  When I do that U turn on my exciting road of learning...and I go back to this... I find myself once again working myself to exhaustion in a shift I don't want.  I find myself  confused, somewhat hopeless, fearful and stuck in this unhappy place. 

Remembering What I Want

I miss where I was before in my learning. I miss the way I felt when I was learning these new ideas. There was hope, relief, acceptance, the beginning of true trust and faith and belief in that learning regardless of how off the wall it may seem to others. My energy levels were higher.  Here there is fear and shame and doubt  brought on by externally imposed belief that I am not supposed to question. My energy levels are dark and heavy.  It doesn't feel good. I don't like it here and realizing that I don't like it here  reminds me of what I want.  The door to the classroom is opened  for me once again.

Just as I realize I am experiencing and reacting to something I don't want ...I realize what I do want...just the opposite of what I am experiencing now.

 I want clarity.  I want truth.  I want peace.  I want hope. 

The learning begins again. 

Something familiar will show up...a lesson from one of my "kooky" teachers; a book, a video...a reminder of what they taught me and I suddenly realize that all those "strange"...less than "normal" teachers, whether they come from a place of authenticity or not,  are all teaching the same thing...they are all teaching about the need to go inward for the answers; to love self ; to breathe here and now; to be grateful; to be kind and compassionate; to forgive and to feel good. 

They are not teaching evil or magic.  They aren't pushing me toward the psych unit or ensuring I stay sick and poor and limited.  They are offering me a way out of this.  They are teaching me that there is more than this; that I am more than this.  They are holding me responsible for the life that I am living, making me accountable for my education and when they do that they empower me to change, to grow, to develop. They give me the power to change my life.

It is not the teacher but the lesson; not the messenger but the message...that is important

Who they are ( or were) in their earthly form is unimportant.  I have no right to judge them as good or bad, right or wrong, selfless or selfish.  How they teach is unimportant. It is what they teach that is important. 

It is all about the message, not the messenger.  And if the  core message makes sense; if it resonates a truth in me, opens a door for more in me, lifts me up, inspires me, motivates me, guides me toward forgiveness, love, kindness, compassion and joy...how can it be wrong?

 It is never the teacher that is important...it is the learning they offer.  It is not the messenger.  It is the message. That message  ...regardless of what channels it may go through...regardless of how many times and in how many ways it gets interpreted or reinterpreted...comes from One Source. There is only one truth and we will know that truth by the way it makes us feel

If it feels right; if it hits home; if it resonates in your understanding...than it is the lesson you need at the time. It is the lesson you already know so well...but have forgotten... that you are being reminded of. It isn't new information that creates the "aha" moment in learning...but a remembering of what you already know. 

Trust how it makes you feel

Trust how it makes you feel because this whole thing we call living is all about how we feel.  We are meant to feel peace, contentment, forgiveness, faith, trust, belief, compassion, joy, and love.  If you feel good, you are heading in the right direction.  Be sure of that.  When we feel good we are on the path that is best for us and others.  We are living the life we are meant to live.  Life will reward us just to remind us that we are moving forward the way life intends for us to move.  This is what we are meant for and this is the lesson I am learning...the lesson I feel compelled to share.

Maybe, the student is ready to step up to the front of the classroom?  Maybe,  I am becoming one of those "strange", "abnormal", "kooky" teachers that have offered me so much wisdom.  If so, don't bother trying to understand me, analyze me, judge me, or exorcize me...just listen to my message.  If it feels right...know that it really didn't come from me.

All is well in my world.

If you are happy, if you are feeling good, then nothing else matters.
Robin Wright

Quick Entry!  I am expected to make breakfast in a bit.  I choose to make breakfast in a bit.  Found some peace in a bit of clarity gained yesterday.  Once again I was reminded that the most important thing in this thing called life is to "feel good",  Feeling good is not a selfish act ...on the contrary ...it is the best thing we can do for others.  Think of it this way...who offers you more on a miserable day?  The cranky person who criticizes you or the genuinely warm and happy person who sees nothing wrong in you or anything?  Who, of these two, are you more likely to gravitate towards?  Who, of these two, inspires you more to do your best? Who, of these two, would you rather be like?   When we feel good we radiate at a different level than we do when we feel bad...we give off a different energy, a different level of compassion. We make others feel better, if they choose to stay around us, when we are happy.  Striving towards feeling good, over even doing good, may be the answer. 

All is well.

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.
Carl Jung

A Counselling Desire

I do not know if I mentioned this previously in any of these entries but...I always wanted to be a therapist.  I had a fascination with the human experience...the human mind and felt sometimes overwhelming compassion for the perceived suffering of others. I wanted to help in that way.  Something in me told me that I could help. Through my own "brokenness"...I was blessed with keen insight and empathy for the brokenness in others.  I know now I would have made a great psychologist but back then I didn't think I had the intellectual ability or the stamina to do that many years of university! I went into nursing instead and ironically ended up with even more accumulated years of post secondary education than would have been required for me to do a PhD in psych. Go figure :)

The Drive Towards the Helping Profession

Oh, I know there are other reasons for me wanting to enter the helping profession.  I am like most broken people.  Broken women are notorious for this phenomenon...seeking to make right through "helping."  I read somewhere once about a study that showed evidence that 80-90 % of nurses surveyed were survivors of some form of trauma in their life where they adapted the belief that they were less than, not enough, bad, unworthy, deserving punishment etc. It was proposed that nurses subconsciously seek human service to overcome the negative  feelings generated by this belief system.  They unknowingly seek penance and approval  through hard work and recognition that they are "kind, good, selfless" etc to compensate for their lack of self approval.  Hmmm!  Sound familiar to anyone?

My Story

That is definitely my story!  I wrote about this in Beyond Fear and Shame....(a book that I am determined will be published someday in one way or another so that at least a couple of other people  may be able to benefit from the tiny bit of self earned wisdom it offers :)) Truth is, I have never felt completely comfortable in my role as a nurse.  It never felt "right".  I could never completely get my head around the proponents of the medical model or the traditional nursing models by which this profession I belong to operates under.  I am a little more "kooky" than most nurses.  :) Though I am fascinated with the miracle of the human body...I am more fascinated by the power of the human mind.  I honestly believe that most bodily conditions...heck most problems in general ...originate in the mind.  If we want to heal self, others, the world...we need to tap into the subconscious mind where the "broken" belief systems infiltrate.

I know what type of therapy I would offer.  No not psychoanalysis or even behaviour modification.  I would put my energy toward Cognitive restructuring and Rational emotive Therapy.  I truly, truly believe if we change the way we think...more specifically the way we  hold onto to self destructive belief patterns...we can heal absolutely anything! I probably wouldn't be a traditional therapist either.  I would try to see beyond psychology in my understanding of things.

Maybe becoming a therapist is not out of the question yet.  Maybe there is a way to fulfill this dream Maybe there is a way beyond the physical, time and financial limitations.  Who knows?  I have never closed the door on that possibility and I probably never will.  If I intend it with all the energy I can muster ...it will be.  We will see. 

All is well in my world.

First you make your beliefs-then your beliefs make you.
Marissa Peer

Awe...where is all this taking me?  Where is it taking us? ...because if you are reading this, continuing to read this you are probably heading in the same direction of healing. So what have we learned so far?

Everything can be traced back to our fundamental beliefs and the feelings they instill in us.  We bring the life experience to us that matches those feelings.  Our version of life will be what we believe it should be, not necessarily what was intended.  The truth of life may differ greatly from the beliefs by which we operate.  We need to examine those.  It is so simple...we just need to trace our experiences back to our subconscious ideation and the things we chose to make "reality" and challenge them.  If they hold us back we challenge them, break them down and replace them with the truth.

All is well.

Learning from Robin Williams

You'll have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to.
Robin Williams

I teared up a bit when I read this quote from someone who made so many people laugh, yet eventually let his own depression get the best of him. There is so much wisdom in these words. 

Eyes turned in the wrong direction

In my own long big spiel yesterday I was relaying how I was mistakenly putting my attention and focus on the things in my life that felt like punishment.  What I didn't relay was what I was missing when my eyes were turned in the wrong direction.  I did not notice the peaceful pauses  that were all around me...everywhere, everyday. 

Between each bout of crisis that does seem to be coming at me so fast sometimes, there were these beautiful reprieves, these blessings. these gifts.  Even the crisis themselves carry with them something to be appreciated.  It is all in perception. I just didn't see them.  I chose to look at them now: I have so many gifts...so many precious, precious moments in my life :) I am going to do my best to pay attention to the good stuff.

An Example

As an example of how things change when we switch focus. 

I was complaining, under my breath, today when I though D. forgot to bring the garbage out.  I find it very difficult to lug one of the big old broken cans out to the curb...takes  my breath and gives me chest pain but I told myself it had to be done since he was not there.  I was hinting for a new garbage system for months.

Anyway with a great deal of effort  I managed to do it and it was not a pleasant experience.  The whole time I was not thinking about all the wonderful things D. does for me, his kindness, and his support...I was only focusing on the fact that he forgot to take the garbage out. I came back in to the house huffing and puffing and somewhat upset. 

At that moment I received  a call from him telling me he just  bought me a gift.  He had run out to the Canadian Tire to buy me one of those big garbage bins with the wheels (the ones I was hinting fro) so we wouldn't have to lug anymore. That is why he didn't bring the garbage out earlier. 

Lesson learned!

All is well in my world.

Simple Moments

 

They enfold me

with their soft fabric,

wrapping me  in a comforting embrace.

They hold me up and away

from the chaos

and the outstretched

arms of those things

seeking to pull me down

with their desperate  hands.

They warm me

when the world feels

cold and lonely,

taking away the chill

that sometimes settles in my core.

I close my weary eyes

and get lost in breath.

I relax in to these

comforting pockets,

in to these simple moments,

like a child would settle

into a mother's lap.

I am lulled by the lullabies

and creaking motions,

 sweetly hidden         

in the silence,

in the stillness

of the now.

 

Dale-Lyn Dec 2011

Choice of Attention

Choice of attention-to pay attention to this and ignore that-is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choices and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be.
W.H. Auden

I am starting to realize what my poem was all about now.  In trying to figure out what all this stress was teaching me...what life was teaching me...I am discovering that the answers can only be found in the space and silence within.  I have to choose to put my attention there.


All is well.

The Brokenness of Me

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.
Dalai Lama

If our outer  lives represent what is going inside...

I find myself thinking about my life lately...looking back and trying to make sense of it.  If our life represents what is going on inside, then I am one heck of a mess...let me tell ya!   Could my inner world be  really as chaotic as all this? Can a person be that broken and messed up? The "brokenness of me" is something I do not even know how to begin describing if it is anything at all represented by the brokenness of my surroundings.

The last ten years ...the last 20 years...heck the last 50 years lol (I laugh out loud but at the same time I am serious) ...have been equipped with one external stressor, one trauma, one very challenging life lesson after the next. It seems that I barely have time to breathe between the stressors. Before I even recapture my balance from one event another one lands on me. 

Some of the challenges are extraordinary.  (I could write a book about my life and people would shake their heads in disbelief).  Many are big enough to make people walk away in discomfort after they politely ask how things are  and others are not so big on an externally measured scale but draining just the same. 

Punches from the Universe?

I know rationally that these stressors are not as I perceive them ...but they all feel like punches from the universe when they first hit, meant to punish and knock me down...to keep me down where I mistakenly believe I deserve to be.  One too many punches and I start feeling that this is true and I don't want to try to get back up again. I feel a bit  beat up, punch drunk and numb at times.  I don't like being here...in this place where I stand with  hands over my face guarding the unbroken pieces I have left inside me.

How do I manage to get through life like this? 

I try to shake off each stressor, minimize it, deny the sting of it, or close my eyes until this batch is over.  Like an abused lover I make excuses for it and pretend it is all good.  If people ask me how I am doing...I give them what they want...and say I am "phine" so they don't worry.  I pull away and hide away from eyes that may judge or add more pain. And I always wait...wait for the next punch to hit me. It becomes about protecting myself from the punches...not about living.  I numb myself from pain and when I do I numb myself from life. 

I tell myself if only...if only had a some space between the things that land upon me...some recovery time...if I could just get my feet beneath me and balance myself I would be better prepared  for the next onslaught.  With a little more recovery time...I tell myself... I can heal the broken pieces so I am stronger for the next time life gets challenging...but it seems that life does not want to cooperate. There are just too many external stressors and they are coming too fast.  Like I said...not all of them are big...but after a big blow, or a series of moderate ones...when you are still fighting to regain your balance... it only takes  the lightest nudge to bring you down.

An Example

I won't bore you with the details of my life but I will give you one example.   I got to the point, a few years back, where my trauma eventually cut into the flesh of my body.  The physical symptoms  became undeniable...I get sick and go off work.  Knowing the relationship between stress and health, past trauma and illness...I tell myself when I am going off that I am going to make the best of this time...it will be my recovery time, my healing time from everything. 

I have paid into a disability insurance for years and seeing the need for it and my right to it ...I apply for it.  I am refused by my insurance company and left pretty much financially destitute with more stress than anyone should ever have to deal with.  So my recovery time becomes survival time...and my attention can no longer go to getting better physically let alone once and for all...but to worrying about how I am going to care for my children, keep the house, pay the bills when so much other stuff is going on. 

I endure sleepless nights.  I cash  in everything I have worked so hard for, borrowing and begging. I go into extreme debt.  I prepare more than once to go bankrupt and give up my house and everything I have left, struggling with the knowledge that I would have to give up my children to their Dad until I got on my feet again...if I ever got on my feet again. All the while I am dealing with legitimate physical symptoms that others in my family have died from or suffered life threatening crisis's with.

  Yet I am told my condition isn't real and I am not only denied but my integrity is questioned.  As a result, I don't get the help I need medically to get better!  Blow after blow, after blow, after blow!  And this is only one of the moderate stressors on the scale of stressors I had to deal with over the last 10 years.  It pales in comparison to some of the others.

So much Coming at us at Once

There appears to be  so much coming at me all the time from all directions: Big stress, little stress, every size stress.   My mind is constantly whirling as I try to organize them by priority into what has to be dealt with right away and what can be left to later.  What can I ignore and what is urgent?  I may have a pretty good filing system up there in my head...  I would have to...to get as far as I did... but it is obviously not good enough.  Sometimes I misfile or forget to file and these things I forgot about, or resisted, or avoided, or numbed from  come to visit me at night demanding my attention.  

As I did last night, I often find myself in the wee hours of the night looking up and saying to the shadows on my wall, " This is exhausting! I am so bloody tired!!!! I just want the whirring to stop.  I just want peace.  I want a life where I am not constantly having to deal with crisis.  Is that too much to ask?"

A Point to all this whining

Now I didn't write this long spiel  so I could feel sorry for myself ( well maybe a little :)).  I am not going to leave you with this negativity.  There is a point to all my rambling.  The major point is this: Asking for peace is not a big thing to ask at all.  It is only the beginning of what I could ask for and receive. Peace is my birthright!  

So why do I feel so bloody beat up and far from peaceful at times?  Because I choose to believe otherwise.  I am choosing to subscribe to those belief s ingrained in the grey matter of my sub conscious mind...that I am not worthy of anything but punishment.  I choose to believe that.    I  put myself in an imaginary ring and I keep myself there.  I vibrate at that energy.  I breathe out at that energy....and life gives me back what I breathe out.

I focus on the negative and unwanted events instead of the peaceful pauses that exist between them.  What I focus on persists.

I assume crisis, I perceive crisis, I accept crisis as my fate...so I unintentionally create crisis.  I created this life I see all around me. It does represent what is going on inside.  I am responsible for it.  

The Mistake of Focusing Outward rather than Inward

I mistakenly focus outward instead of inward. Life doesn't intend this  chaos for me...this is not what life is meant to be all about.  Life gives spaces...between each inhale and exhale of living there is a precious peaceful space...it is there if we pay attention to it.  So caught up in my own beliefs about what I assumed life was...I forgot to pay attention to what life really is...that is why I no longer feel the recovery pause of peace between my inhale and exhale.  I am hyperventilating my way through life. I am blaming life for keeping me down with its quick, never ending jabs but the truth is, the only thing that is punching me...is me.  The only thing keeping me here...is me.  The only thing that is drawing in these crazy stressors is me.

So what do I do? 

If I want peace I go inward to the perceived brokenness of me and I fix that.  I don't waste my time on the things that are happening outside of me....no matter how big or how many there seems to be.  I concentrate on the inside.   Until I bring order inside, I will have no order outside. 

How?

It is so simple.  I find the space.  I find the space between the breath.  I mean that literally.  I meditate on the space between each breath because I know that is where my life really is.  I meditate and I breathe.  After every inhale I become aware of the beautiful peaceful pause that is there before the exhale begins.  That is where the present moment is...that is where peace is...that is where life is.

As the Lenten season begins, I make it a point to pray and meditate my way out of a ring I created.  I pray for peace and I will find peace.  I close my eyes and meditate on peace and I will find it where it always was ...in the unbroken me.

All is well in my world.

By the Soul Only

Life cannot be acquired by the mind.  It can only be understood by the soul.
-me

Only the Soul Can Write Poetry and Understand it

Wow!  That poem from the last post  popped out of me pretty fast.  I knew I had to write  a poem.  I dreamt a poem last night...had all the stanzas and meter and rhythm down perfectly in my mind.  So I sat down this morning as soon as I woke up to see if it would come out. 

This one came out instead...in a little over ten minutes.  It is one of those poems I have no idea what it means ...yet.  When I go back in a few days it will make perfect sense to me.  I know it has something to do with my attempts to understand what is going on inside me but I am not going to get to the message right now.  Head is still spinning.  I just think it is amazing that it came out of me.

Poetry is not necessarily about perfection or technique as it is about truth.  Poetry offers us a certain truth that comes from the soul and speaks to our soul more so than our minds.  So how can it be good or bad?  Maybe poetry is some thing we cannot judge in that way. We just have to be willing to hear the truth.  All truth is beautiful isn't it? 

Whether we write it or read it... poetry is simply "Soul talk".  Hmmm!

All is well in my world.

Restless wind

Restless Wind

I feel you pulling me a part
and making me whole
like I have never been
yet have always been
at the  same time
which is no time

blowing like a restless wind
that has some place it needs to go
determined to get through
you open up parts of me I don't want opened
and leave me standing in the wake of your destruction
in the aftermath of your perfection

you whisper things to me as you rustle through
dipping and dodging through my weary mind
as I attempt to understand your garbled speech
and memorize  your lessons
to no avail
your instruction is beyond me
yet it is me

I spin around in circles
trying to grasp you
catch you
own you
but I can't
like the tiny grains of sand on a beach
you slither and wiggle through the spaces in my fingers
and are gone
leaving me with nothing tangible to hold on to
to make sense of

yet
in the nothingness
in the emptiness
in the ignorance I walk away with
I know
you have shown me
everything I need to know


Dale-Lyn 2017

A Practice with "The Opposite Challenge"

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. -
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Another Whiny Rampage

Oh well...so much for being pelvic pain free lol.  I am even more convinced that it is nothing more than a bit of endometriosis flaring up as my hormones go flaring out.  Night sweats like you wouldn't believe.  Anyway controlling the pain with good old Naprosyn which takes care of the other issues too.  So I am good.  Might not have felt so great last evening well into the wee hours of the morning but right now I am good...and now is all there is.:)

Enough of that.  Now to get on to The Opposite Challenge

Working on what I call the "Opposite Challenge" to help me deal with all the "unwanted" things in my life that I have been resisting and therefore they have been persisting.  :)

I began  a four column list the other day.  In the first column entitled "What I don't want" I  write out and describe one thing that is constantly showing up in my life that I don't want. 

In the next column, my "I accept" column,  I come to peace with having this thing in my life "right now".  I write my accept affirmation in a way that allows me to step away from the feeling of being "stuck" and trapped" with this unwanted thing and implies that what ever I am experiencing is only temporary.

In the third column I write "What I want" and I do that by writing down the opposite of my don't want. 

The forth column is all about what specifically can be done to make this happen or what is expected "when" it shows up in the ideal situation( as if there was no such thing as impossible, or scarcity, or limitation).  It looks a little like this:

Here is an example

 

What I don’t want in my life right now that I might be stuffing or resisting	I accept	What I want in my life ...the Opposite of what I don't want	Things that will assist this to happen
I have  a house right now that is often dirty, messy, cluttered, dusty, smelly, full of dog hairs, with an oven in desperate need of cleaning, floors that never look clean even when they are. I feel too tired to do more than I am doing and it is getting out of control.  It is chaotic.  I and the kids are embarrassed to have people over because of it.  My daughter is ashamed of it and I feel guilt and shame for this part of my parenting…I am not providing a clean enough environment for my children.  I also worry that others…neighbors and her friends and their parents might not understand my predicament and think I am lazy and neglecting my children because of the state of my house. I do what I can but it is obviously not enough	I accept that my house is not the way I want it or believe it should be right now and that I am not keeping up with 100% of my parenting responsibility; nor am I meeting social expectations....during this time I perceive a lack of energy, and prioritize differently than others might	I want a cleaner home: one that smells fresh when you walk in the door and is free of clutter of shoes both on the matt and or in the mudroom, with walls that look fresh and clean.  I want clean countertops that are limited in harmful bacteria, sinks that look clean, crumb free bread box and utensil drawers. Clean and fresh looking cupboards inside and out, clean stove and oven, clean fridge, a floor that looks clean and is easy to manage, clean windows, tidy table, clean hardwood floors through out, paw print and nose print free glass on French doors, garbage and recyclables organized and hidden from view (and smell), bright airy living room with a couch that is dog hair free (or contained to pet covers that stay in place), clean bathrooms with  laundry organized and put away, clean bedrooms that are completely floored, and limited in pet hair and smell,  Clean, freshly painted  basement stairs and basement …creating a fresh smelling, dust free and welcoming atmosphere for the kids to hang out.    To feel good about welcoming people in to my home.	We could     hire someone to come in to do the heavy cleaning (They may need to pressure hose the whole house down :)) Hire someone to come in once a week      Throw out half the stuff I am clinging to that is adding to clutter         New stone counters that are easy to clean and care for , Paint cupboards with easy to clean paint. Paint walls, purchase a better easy to use mop that I can run through the house twice a week with purchase better garbage/recycling disposal systems for inside and out Purchase a Roomba vacuum to vacuum for me when I am too tired. (which is always lol)  This will help to keep the pet hair down to a minimum Remove wall between kitchen and living room to open up the space, allow for more air and light to circulate Better pet covers on furniture Kids to regularly help with chores (do their own laundry!)  Air purifiers Self cleaning oven Dishwasher New kitchen floor that is easy to clean ( no grouting!) Minimalize...remove lots of the furniture

We Could add Two More Columns

I could take it a step further and put in a column five entitled "I have". 

In that column I could write everything in column four as if I already have it.  For example I could write:  A professional cleaning company has come in to clean my house and now I have someone hired to come in once a week to maintain it.  At least half of the previous clutter is gone to charity. I have clean and easy to maintain stone counters that always shine,  I have freshly painted cupboards and walls that are easy to wipe clean. I mop the floor with ease twice a week with this easy to use mop. The new garbage/ recyclable container in the kitchen and the one outside...help to keep garbage hidden away.  Our Roomba works hard so I do not have to...and there is no little to no hair.  The pet covers fit nicely over the bit of furniture  we have and contain the remainders of the pet hair.  The air is fresh in this open spacious house thanks to the wall down and the air purifiers.  There is so much light brightening up everything. Kids are helping out with cooking on the self cleaning oven, taking turns loading and emptying the dishwasher; and washing and putting away their own laundry.   The kitchen floor looks clean enough to eat off of.   Kids have their space downstairs and bring friends over all the time.  I have people in as well.  It is all good."   

Probably more importantly...I should put in a column 6 entitled " I feel". 

In this column I would focus on the good feelings I have when I affirm column 5 over and over again imagining it to be true already.  "I feel peaceful, worry-free, content, warm, confident and more than welcoming when I look at my home before opening it to others.  When the doors are closed, I feel so content and peaceful in my clean little habitat.  I feel secure in knowing that I am  doing my part in creating a clean, secure environment for those I love."   The feeling component s where the vibrational energy exists. Feeling good is essential.  That feeling will come with a certain belief  in what you are saying. If you honestly do not feel good: a bit of hope, relief, excitement, peace, contentment when you do this exercise...then you need to go back and change the wording of your statement in column 5 until you "feel" the reality of it, until it is more believable to you. 

Of course...I have no clue how I would make all this happen considering my financial and physical limitations ...but the trick is not to worry about the "how" these things will come about...just focus on them as if they are already on their way or here! Well...we will see how it works.  I will revisit this in a month to see where I am at.  :)

All is well in my world.

For truth is safe, and only love is sure.
ACIM Lesson 278 (2:5)

 

About the story

About the previous entry. 

I had no idea what to write today and Don suggested I write a funny story.  Well I think he said something to the effect, "Something that will make everyone think you are crazy."  I told him that everyone already thinks I am crazy but I will give it go.  He suggested the story so I made him the character.  I had absolutely no idea what I was going to write but  the first paragraph just poured out of me.  So I built the story from that. It didn't turn out to be a funny story...just a story...but still....it was fun! I gave myself two hours and I may have gone a bit over that :) but not  by much.

I love these types of challenges, building something from nothing especially when what comes out of it is something that applies to the medium in which I am writing...in this case...this blog.  I just think it is all so cool and amazing...this process of writing. Almost magical.

All is well in my world.

The Boat

Don woke up and stared at the ceiling...the same old stucco ceiling he stared at every morning.  He knew the ceiling well. He had the popcorn sized bumps memorized and some even named.    This morning, however, his view was different.  This morning, Don looked up at a picture of a sail boat.  Plastered on the wall with wide strips of packing tape that had one or two of his dog's long hair trapped beneath was the 20 foot catamaran of his dreams.  He sighed.  It was so beautiful. With its masts opened and stretching along a perfect horizon, and the bow skipping easily over pristine and crystal clear blue water, she was a dream.   A second sigh escaped from his lips ..a big pathetic  sigh  coming from the bottom of his heavily congested lungs as yesterdays cement dust realigned itself  in clumps along his constricted airways. He coughed. Disturbed by the noise his 10 year old Sheppard rustled in the bed beside him and looked up at her Master.  He ran a hand over her head without removing his eyes from the ceiling.

On  the stern of the boat a couple could be seen.  A young man stood holding on to the boon with confident strong arms that  the upturned sleeves of his denim shirt clung to with affection.  His face was tanned and happy while his white teeth sparkled like the little diamonds in the water below him did.  He did not remove his eyes from his destination to look down at the petite and lovely brunette who sat at his feet applying suntan lotion to her already perfectly bronzed flesh.  He didn't have to.  He obviously already had her. He had everything.  He had  the affection of beautiful women, the freedom of the sea beneath him, wealth, success and happiness in his grasp all because he was the captain of this boat.  Don wanted that boat.  He sighed again. 

Last evening, before bed, bored and lonely Don sat before his computer doing  what he did every evening.  He surfed the net to numb and soothe his tired mind and body until sleep called. He came across  the image in an advertisement for a five star resort in some expensive and exotic location he wouldn't even try to pronounce for it was a place far, far away from where he was or ever would be.  The boat, however, called out to him.  It was so similar to the one his 12 year old self vowed to own as he stood in front of it in his hometown marina so many years ago.  His 12 year old self wanted a lot of things back then...and was not afraid to ask for them.  His 56 year old self, however, had learned the hard way that wanting and expecting led to disappointment.  Yet the boat continued to call out to him and before he knew it he was pressing the print button and downloading his childhood dream onto something he could hold in his hands.  He would try the manifesting thing he read about and seen in a documentary on Netflix months ago.  He would try it just to see if it would work.  He would take the picture and put it somewhere he couldn't help to see it and he would look at it as often as he could just in case he could make it happen.   He heard his ex wife's voice in his ear then as he did this morning...telling him he was nothing but a foolish dreamer for wanting things he would never have.  Little did she know that he had stopped wanting years ago.

The alarm buzzed in his ear the annoying way it does every morning.  He reached a long arm over to snap the snooze button on top shutting the demands of the real world out for just a little while longer.    He closed his eyes. He pictured himself on that boat and imaged he could feel the wind on his face, taste the salt water on his lips and smell the sweet scent of coconut from the suntan lotion his woman was putting on her bare arms. He felt the boat moving and rocking beneath him, soothing him, telling him everything was good, he was good, he deserved it all. Then Buzzzzz...the alarm went off again and startled, he opened his eyes  to see the last few moments of his life  stuck to the ceiling  above him.  In the annoying buzzing of the alarm he once again  heard his ex wife demanding him to stop dreaming, to be practical and go out into the "real world" and make some money for his family.  He sighed again.  He turned toward the waking machine, shutting it and his wife off with one click of the button.

"The bitch is right", he said out loud into his dog's curious ears,  "I am not meant for such things.  It is time to get back to reality".  He looked out the window to see the rain belting down from the sky.  "Figures!" His reality still sucked.

After slowly  lifting himself to the side of the bed, he fought to get the breath he needed to start his day.   It never  comes easily but the cough does.  Huge rasping rumbles of thunder rolled from his chest taking any bit of air he was getting away.  Wheezing, and coughing and spewing he stood  on his sore feet and rubbed his sore back.  The years in concrete construction were talking back in every creak and crack his body made.  He knew there were another 12 hours today to endure of the same crap and  complaining was not going to help. So he got on doing what he did everyday.

He let the dog out.  He let the dog in.  He poured a big heaping cupful of Iams for Large Breed  into her bowel and filled her water dish.  He drank a cup of  Nescafe  Instant coffee and chewed on toast and peanut butter as he rifled through the flyers that get thrown at the end of his driveway everyday. He made three bologna and cheese sandwiches and put them in his metal lunch can with a couple of Joe Lois' from a box on the counter.  He filled his thermos with more instant coffee.  He washed his face and brushed his teeth before getting into the cement dust stained clothing he wore everyday to work. He sat down  on the kitchen chair  to tie his heavy steel toed  boots, not one bit worried about the white mess he left on the floor.  He rustled his dogs head affectionately before heading out the door like he did everyday.

As he was driving down John street in his ten year old Dodge Ram, Don didn't hear the phone ringing inside his house.  But his dog did.  She perked her ears up as the voice of an excited woman announced over the answering machine  that dear old Don  was one of the big winners in  a hospital lottery draw he would only vaguely remember applying for.  He would later briefly recall  some pleasant older woman sitting at a table on the other side of the revolving doors of the big city hospital he routinely visited for his lung specialist appointments. He would  remember her voice reciting that some of the lottery funds would go to building a better wing for burnt kids and  handing  over the  20 dollar bill he had rolled up in a ball in the front pocket of his Levis.  He would see evidence that he did indeed sign his name and scribble down his address and phone number on  the piece of paper she handed him.   But he would not recall, no matter how hard he tried to remember, hearing that one of the prizes was a twenty foot catamaran sailboat and a new life of believing.

The end.

If light is in your heart, you will find your way home.
Rumi

Didn't sleep so well last night.  Think the ticker might be acting up a bit from the flu I had a few days ago.  Chest pain and cold sweats on exertion... things are a little harder to do  than normal...like a walk or the stairs or just about anything. :) But I feel much better than I did on Monday.  :)  And...since I wrote that little blurb about the fear I was stuffing related to the pelvic pain etc...I have had little to no pain or bleeding.  :)   I am thinking it is all over...whatever it was!!! All I had to do is let go of the emotions associated with it.  :) There! 

Anyone...it feels like spring out there.  The sun is shining brightly...and the light...or that amazing light that warms a winter sedated soul and gives hope to all in regards to what will soon be here...more beautiful and precious light.  I love the light.  I am drawn to it like a plant on a window sill.  :)  All good!

All is well in my world.

what you seek is seeking you-

Rumi

 

 

Fling me across the fabric of time and the seas of space.  Make me nothing and from nothing- everything.
Rumi

Uhm...do you think this is normal behaviour for a 100 pound dog?

Tuning in to the Opposite Channel

So you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the unwanted circumstances in your life again?  Negative experiences are constantly jumping in front of you, knocking you down and sometimes laying on top of you like the rotting carcass of all you once were.  The sky is grey.  You are stepping in puddles up to your thighs because there seems to be no way around them.   People around you are demanding and uncaring as you trudge along with the heavy load upon your shoulders and the even heavier load within your heart?  You are feeling sick, feeling miserable and unsure of how long you can keep going like this? You think you deserve a break from life, some good fortune after all you have been through...but Nooooo life has different plans for you...it just throws more of the same old negativity in front of you for you to climb over again and again...more bills you can't pay; more illness; more troubles in the family, work issues, money issues, the cat gets sick; the babysitter calls and says she can't make it;  the car won't start and you stupidly leave  your fingers in the door when you slam in shut.   Is this your scenario?  I think it is something all humans experience from time to time...what is referred to as "suffering".

When we "suffer" it seems that we get ourselves caught up in a never ending cycle of more suffering.  One unwanted thing appears in our life after the other.  The rain doesn't want to let up. Suffering perpetuates more suffering. Why is that? 

To understand this phenomenon better we must first recognize a few things:

•  Suffering is a perception... a way of seeing that exists only in the mind because of our attachment to an idea of how things "should" be. If things are not going the way we think they should...then life is wrong, hard, bad, difficult.  We cannot accept it for the way it is.  Suffering is caused by mental resistance to what is. 

•  What we resist persists.  It is a given fact...the more you say no to something, the more it keeps demanding a yes.  Try this experiment, the next time your teen asks for the car.  Say No.  Watch what happens.  Unless your teen is abnormally compliant...she or he will ask again and again and again, drowning out the news casters voice that you are trying to focus on from your flat screen TV while you squirm in your chair and the  steam builds up inside of you, possibly creating a crater of a hole in your stomach lining.  You turn the volume up but their pleas just become louder and louder. They will keep demanding that you give them what they want until you can't concentrate on anything else but their "Please!  Please!  Pretty Please!" and the awful way it is making you feel.  What we resist persists.  What we focus on becomes our reality getting louder and more consuming drowning out the rest. 

• When we focus on negative things, negative things are all we see.  When we focus on the things we do not want in our lives we end up with a life of unwanted things. In order to make sense of our world, our selective attention narrows to match our preconceived perceptions.  If I  am tuned in to the "negative channel" because of a couple of less than pleasant experiences, negativity is what my mind will pick up from my environment. If I am focused on the things I do not want in my life...guess what happens?   More unwanted things will show up.  Not because I am being punished or because "life sucks" but because I am watching the wrong channel.  I don't have to stay on this channel!  I can press the button on the remote at any time. 

• Feelings are energy .  As a powerful energy force, they can make our lives great or they can make our lives suck.  How we feel will determine what kind of life we have. 

So how do we walk away from the lives we are watching on the negativity channel to the lives we really want? No...I am not going to tell you to say yes to your teen whenever they ask for something .  (No's are good things for all of us to hear every now again).  Nor am I going to tell you to say no to the less than positive things in your life right now  but I am going to suggest that you do not have to wiggle and squirm as the peptic ulcer grows in your gut because of them either. 

This is what you can do to make it better:

Step one: Accept what is.  Look about you and see what is going on.  Do not deny  or resist the parts of your life you are not happy with.  Instead accept what is, as it is.  If there is money trouble : say to self I accept that the money situation is not what I want right now.  The key components in that affirmation are  I accept and right now.   I accept that my health is not to the point that I want it right now.  I accept that my job does not fulfill me right now.  I accept that my fingers are broken from slamming them in the door right now :) I accept that my life is not exactly the way I think it should be right now.

Become completely aware of the things that are happening in your life that you do not want.  Know that you do not want them.  Writing them down on a piece of paper in list form might help. This is the first and most important step.  To recognize and accept the things you do not want in your life...the things that are  making you squirm, angry, sad, anxious will you lead you away from them eventually.  At first it may be overwhelming as more and more of these things show up to get added to your list.... all because you are putting your attention in that area.... but it will pass....especially if you realize that these circumstances are temporary.  That is why we use "right now".     Once you recognize what you don't want you can advance to the next crucial steps.

Step Two: Do not stay focused on the things you don't want. Do not give them any more attention and emotional power than you already have. The Law of attraction purports that what you put your attention on is what you will attract in to your life.  If you focus on negative things, you will bring negative things into your physical world.  Even if you do not subscribe to this belief system...thinking about these things is diminishing your precious life and making you miserable.  Why feel miserable when you do not have to?  Recognize them accept them, write them down but that's it. Keep the list but let them go emotionally.  Recognizing and accepting the negative things in your life does not mean being consumed by them.  Your intention is to go beyond them.

Step Three: Change the channel. Switch your focus to the opposites of those things on your list.    Many times we do not know what we want in our lives especially if we have been feeling negative for a while.  We know what makes us feel like crap but we really can't remember what things make us feel good.  We may have stuffed our dreams under the weights of the burdens we perceive we are carrying.  Yet we can recognize when something makes us feel less than happy right? It is sometimes easier to know what we don't want than it is what we want.  Say, you sit down one Saturday night and you are bored enough to watch TV.  You are not sure what you are in the mood for  so you randomly surf through the channels.  You can click through those channels pretty fast because you immediately recognize what you don't want...what doesn't "feel right" at that moment even though you may not know what it is you are looking for.  Think of the things on your list as channels you no longer want to watch. If it doesn't make you feel good..  switch the channel. 

Yeah but to what channel?  Focus on the opposite of the don't wants.  That is what we can use those "don't wants" for.  They can be guides to what we want.  If I know I don't want to be broke that can take me to the opposite of being broke, I want four digit numbers in my account; I want to be able to pay my bills; I want to be able to sleep at night without worrying about how I am going to pay the mortgage.  If I am feeling lonely and tired of being alone that can take me to, I want to build healthy, happy relationships with others etc.  Focus...put all your mental energy onto imagining what you want.  What you want is often the opposite of what you don't want. Tune in to the opposite channel and stay there!

Step Four: Give yourself permission to want it.   A few hard punches from life ...the kind that knock a fighter down can sometimes leave us a little punch drunk.  We may settle into our roles as the loser rather than the contender and find a certain peace on the floor of the ring.  We may stop wanting more, expecting more.  We may stop dreaming of more.  We need to remind ourselves that it is okay to want...We have a right to expect more from life as we pull our selves up.  We need to get back up into the wanting game. There is no guarantee we will not get knocked down again but we will never have more than bruises if we stop wanting. 

Step Five: Once you know what you want.... Feel it.  Feel it, breathe it, live it like it is already something you have. This is the most crucial step.  Living is all about feeling.  Life is all it is meant to be when we feel love,  joy, bliss, peace and hope.  It is not about the things we mistakenly assume make us happy.  It is simply about being happy.  Yet if you feel happy when you think about something you want...than think about something you want.  Imagine what it will feel like to have it and live like you do.   It is almost given that that thing, that event, that circumstance, or that person you are focusing on will materialize in your life when you do this.  But even if it doesn't...if you are happy...you are on the right channel. This is the life you really want, isn't it? You can put the remote down.

All is well in my world.