Metacognition

 One of the greatest things you will ever realize is that the moment in front of you is not bothering you-you are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you. 

Michael Singer, Living Untethered, page 25

  According to Tara Brach there are three core reminders for our spiritual practice. This is the essence for being mindful of the mind or metacognition. 

1. Wake up from thinking: Become the witness to your thoughts. We all have the capacity to observe and monitor our thoughts and doing so is a way to free us from much of our suffering. We can see, if we are observing, that we are not that which we observe. We are not that which we think about.  We can say , "It is just a thought," and we do not need to believe the story the mind is telling us. 
2. Feel the feelings.  We need to allow our feelings instead of  giving into the tendency we have to push the uncomfortable away or down within us.  The more willing we are to be "vulnerable, uncomfortable, afraid" the more we are freer  in the long run.  We can create space for these feelings, whatever they are, and in so doing we become more present and more spacious,
3. "Remember Love".  Tara Brach reminds us that we need to "express care and receive care".  We need to keep our hearts open. 

Some wonderful food for thought.  Will get back to this but for now I a need to prepare my house for teh arrival of my grandchildren.  Need to clean and tidy so they can destroy it lol.

All is well!

Tara Brach (July, 2021) Three Core Reminders. https://www.tarabrach.com/three-core-reminders/

The Moment In Front Of You

 There are countless moments unfolding in the universe at any given time, and your relationship to all of them is exactly the same. You are the subject; they are the object. 

Michael Singer, Living Untethered , page 25

The moment in front of you right now has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Michael Singer, Living Untethered , pg 23

The View Which Discriminates Between Thoughts and Names

How debilitating is the view which discriminates between individual thoughts. ...How deluded we have been in clinging mistakenly to nominalism!

Tibetan Book of the Dead, Penguin ( 2005), pg 145

Someone asked me recently, "Well what are you?", in reference to my religious affiliation. All I could do was shrug my shoulders.

"Are you a Hindu because you practice yoga on and off the mat?" 

Again, I just shrugged my shoulders and answered hesitantly, "I don't think so. Though  it certainly has a strong Hindu influence because of where it originated, yoga really isn't a "religious" practice.  It is a "mind" practice.   And though I resonate with some of  the teachings in the Gita, the Vedanta traditions and the Upanishads etc I don't call myself  a "Hindu. "

"Are you a Buddhist?  You keep mentioning the Buddhist teachings and stuff." 

I took a deep breath before answering, "I don't think so.  There is so much wisdom in the teachings. I can't help but learn and grow from them. Of all the religions I studied so far, it does seem to be the most practical. But I can't call myself a Buddhist either. " 

"And you are always speaking about the Tao Te Ching...are you Taoist?" 

I could only shrug my shoulders. "I don't think so."

"But I remember you being such a strong Catholic, a Christian, and going so far as to spout that  all other religions were "false". Do you still think that way? Are you against the Catholic church now?" 

This question always gets me the gut and I swallowed hard before I answered, "No! I very much love and learn from Christ's teachings and there is so much beauty and grace in the rituals of the catholic church.  Though I do not practice as a Catholic anymore, nor do I see Christianity as being the only way to receive the grace of true understanding....I am not against the church. I am not against any religion. In fact, I try not to be "against" anything. 

I am sure that to a person, who defines themself as a Hindu, I would not be seen as a Hindu.  A  self proclaimed Buddhist would likely not see me as a Buddhist, neither would  someone  identified as a Taoist say I was one of them. I have received all my sacraments as a Catholic so technically, I guess , I am still viewed by others as a Catholic, as "fallen" as I may be,  but I do not define myself as such anymore.

The thing is, I don't define myself as anything anymore.  I do my best not to define myself at all. So, I definitely do not identify with one religion over the other, one belief system over the other. I am very cautious about getting attached to any,  "belief and conviction",  be it based on religion or something else.

In answer to your first question, I don't know what "I" ...as this "me" ...is,  in terms of religion...Maybe I am all of it and maybe I am none of it." 

To which the person responded, "Huh? WTF(fork)? You have lost me. I don't understand you at all."

And I just smiled and said, "Either do I. Either do I."

All is well. 

Truthful Existence

 

How deluded we have been by our grasping at characteristics!...

 How pitiful we are, clinging to purity and impurity...

How deluded we have been in clinging to the dichotomy[contrasting things and seeing them as opposites, at different ends of the pole ( my definition)] of great and small...birth and death...corners and angles...transitional processes[beginning and end]....effort and attainment....existence and non-existence...middle and extremes...spaciousness and confinement....higher and lower [energy centers]...between the environment and its inhabitants!

How deluded we have been in clinging mistakenly to nomalism[naming and labelling everything...(my definition)]...

How pitiful is the mind obscured by ignorance, which grasps immaterial phenomena as materially  substantive!...

How tormented is the intellect of a bewildered being, which apprehends the uncreated truth in terms of "I" and "mine"!...

We have not understood that phenomenal appearances are illusory, and thereby our minds have become attached to material wealth!

How deluded we have been in clinging to the dichotomy between hope and doubt!

How totally mistaken is this mind of ignorant people [such as ourselves]!...

Since we have failed to experience the natural liberation of pristine cognition, which is [intrinsic]awareness, we have forsaken  the modality of intrinsic awareness and persevered in distracted acts. 

Take pity on these sentient beings who are devoid of such truthful experience!

The Tibetan Book of the Dead, Section from Chapter 7 entitled: Confessions in the Presence of the View, pages 143-147

This excerpt obviously caught and held my attention. And from this excerpt, these are the words that rang true the most.  It resonated with me.  Though I have no right to pick and choose from such  a sacred text...that is what I have done here. I see in this section so much of what I learned about "wrong view" and the impact it has on our life experience, how it is responsible for our sense of "suffering" and in this tradition's view point:  our being caught up in cyclic existence.   

It brings to mind this idea of sin we feel the need to confess.  Truly what sin is , is simply wrong view , is it not?  The word sin actually came from an ancient Hebrew/Greek translation of the an archery term..."to miss the mark".  When we sin...we have not hit the target of truth square on...we are not seeing clearly...our views are wrong. Our actions are determined by those views.  Redemption simply comes with seeing clearly...right view rather than wrong view.

Hmm! We are not living in a truthful way when truth is obscured by our grasping and clinging to views that keep us from it. Duality and dichotomy are terms used a lot in Buddhist teachings ( as well as Vedanta and other wisdom traditions)  when expressing "wrong view".  We , normally before we awaken, operate from an understanding of extremes...bouncing from one extreme to another in our beliefs and views.  This prevents us from walking the "middle way" of truth,. Yet there is only truth. We can not help but be in truth if that is all there is. To believe we live in any other way is delusion. To dualize subject and object...to see a contrast and distinction between them is a delusion. To name. label and perceive things as being one or the other: good or bad, pure or impure, great or small, beginning or ending, existing or not existing is wrong view.  It doesn't serve us to think this way...it leads us to grasp for that which is not permanent like "material wealth" or this idea of "I" and "mine" which separates us from the "other". This idea of separation, then,  creates a whole host of problems.  It , among other things, leads us to make distinctions and get caught up in those distinctions between hope and doubt.  Hope keeps us in the future, doubt keeps us in the past and both keep us from the present moment...the only time there is. Awareness, which is nondual truth, is found and experienced in the present moment while duality is just a fabrication of the mind as is teh past and teh future. Without awareness we are trapped in distractions of the external world, grasping and clinging to illusory things we view incorrectly through the lenses of dualism. 

Note:

I have been reading/studying ( meaning I have been taking down notes, contemplating and reflecting upon what I read) The Tibetan Book of the Dead.  As I said many times before, it is likely not my place to do this, let alone share what "I" (this very limited and personalized  body and mind) has 'interpreted from my reading.  The text says again and again that a teacher is required, a teacher from the lineage holders, and I interpret that to mean, a monastic teacher from a specific Tibetan Buddhist tradition. I don't have one of those and I am weary of such means of teaching, only because I feel the habituated  compulsion to directly learn and experience for myself...an oppositional off shoot, maybe,  from my own religious upbringing. Regardless...what I am trying to say...is "do not take a word of what I write here in reference to my studying as truth".  I will write down certain things because that is how I learn but I am in no position to critically judge what I am reading.  My mind wants to judge that which seems too far out there for it to comprehend or that which differs dramatically from the belief systems I grew up with but man...I don't know anything. I have to keep reminding myself of that as I breeze through Chapter 5,6, 8, 9. My mind won't even begin to understand the "Peaceful and wrathful deities" and all those we are requested to pay homage to. And it is hard for me to see the signs of death and dying and the rites used to avert death as more than superstition and traditional folklore based on the culture from which the text emerged.  My mind won't let me get past certain things so I just breeze through them which I suspect is not the way to approach these teachings. I see more and more how this teaching is meant for someone in the monastic tradition and not for us "householders" who do not have time or skill enough  to pray, chant and meditate hours and hours a day. Chapter 7, on Confession, however, I can relate to...to  some degree, as confession was a big part of my Catholic upbringing. Of course, I do not truly "understand" what is being taught and maybe I am not meant to. 

Regardless of all this clashing between cultural and religious differences...there is so many tidbits of undeniable...soul reaching wisdom and truth in these teachings, one cannot help but say "Yes!  I get it!" It is those tidbits that I will share, for my sake, I suppose, more than anyone else's. 

All is Well!

Padmasambhava (composer), Terton Karma Lingapa (revealer), Gyurme Dorje (translator), Graham Coleman and Thupten Jinpa (editors)(2005) Tibetan Book of the Dead .Penguin: London 

You Are The Observer [Until You Are Not]

 Your relationship to what you see is always one of subject-object.[Until it isn't]. You are the subject, and what you are looking at is the object. There are many different objects coming in through your senses but there is only one object experiencing them-You.

Michael Singer, Living Unthethered, page 5

I added [ Until it isn't] to that quote above. I love the teachings of Michael Singer and I am so excited about reading, Living Untethered.  As I read it, I am also reading and studying, The Tibetan Book of the Dead. I am not recommending that anyone else do that, lol, but it is interesting to do so.  Of course, the basic underlying premise in both books is centered around the importance of understanding our minds where all so called "problems" or even  all "phenomena" are experienced.

Michael Singer's approach is much more practical and suited to our contemporary lives but the Ancient text has probably more depth and wisdom to it.  Singer is gently introducing us, it seems, to this wisdom in steps.  I am not sure if he is follower of Non-dual Vedanta in his yoga practice but it seems he is starting off with the subject-object duality before he gets into the truth that there is no duality between us and what we observe or experience. We need to see that we are not our thoughts, not that which we perceive with our five senses, and  that we are the observer before we see that there is no object nor a subject. It is a good starting point but we of course, cannot leave it at that. 

There is no duality between the object viewed and the observer. Without focusing on the view, search for the observer! Though one searches for this observer, none will be found. Tibetan Book Of The Dead, page 48

Michael Singer ( 2022) Living Untethered. New Harbinger/Sounds True: Oakland

Padmasambhava (composer), Terton Karma Lingapa (revealer), Gyurme Dorje (translator), Graham Coleman and Thupten Jinpa (editors)(2005) Tibetan Book of the Dead .Penguin: London 

Without Focusing on the Photography, Search For the Photographer!

 

In photography there is a reality so subtle, it becomes more real than reality. 

Alfred Stieglitz

Raining out there and I am seeing a lot of leaves on the ground and a lot of empty branches.  I love the Oak this time of the year though. ( I know I am preferring :)) When the beautiful vibrancy of the season begins to fade I look to them.  They are always last to lose their leaves.  Though they are clinging, like we cling to so many things in this physical world and clinging, of course,  keeps us all a bit trapped, I do secretly appreciate their attachment to their leaves. It allows the colour in the world to linger just a little bit longer.  

I also love the light in  Autumn. ( again preferring...straying off the path of  the middle way big time lol).  Inspired by that light, I found myself with camera in hand again taking pics of that which I love the most. I took pictures of my grandson in amongst my tress. ( Of course, neither this child or these trees are 'mine'...but you know what I mean).  I had not shot for a very long time and I missed it so much more than I realized. Capturing essence, capturing emotion and capturing the perfect balance between joy and frustration...beauty and ugliness...shadow and highlights...black and white...all a perfect dance that I am in love with. Why did I wait so long to shoot?  

I had lost interest I suppose.  I mean I do have some camera issues...with a lens that needs tweaking and one of my camera bodies that needs some looking into...but I could have tried. Because of my attachment to all that was going on in me and around me, photography  felt like too much effort for my exhausted body and mind when no effort was really required at all.   Man, there really is no trying, no seeking, no great effort required  in photography...just as there is no trying in meditation or in breathing. It is not like the photographer has to do something or seek something out there...

It, like life, is just a matter of nakedly observing what arises.

Nakedly observe all that arises in this modality, which is without meditation and without distraction! (page 48)

I am learning through what I am reading now that: There is no duality between the object viewed and the observer....no duality between the actor and the action, (page 48-49), no distinction between the  photographer and the subject being photographed...between the lens and that which the lens is pointing to. And there really is nothing to be done...nothing to capture outside of this mind.   There are not phenomena extraneous to those that originate from the mind. [So], there are no modes of conduct to be taken extraneous to [those that originate from the mind]. (page 45)There is just pure awareness.  I feel that when I have the Nikon to my eye. Pure awareness, looking at pure awareness. 

And what about this fretting I used to do about how my pics turned out? Silly waste of time because there is no duality between purity and impurity (page 49), beauty or ugliness, too dark or too light, screwing up or getting a great shot etc. And "I", as this little me ( body and mind) that holds the camera and pushes the buttons am not the one that takes those pics, anyway, because there really is no one there attaining.

There is no duality between the object of attainment and the attainer. Without focusing on the attainment of the result, search for the attainer! Though one searches for this attainer, none will be found. (page 50)

All is well!

The Tibetan Book of the Dead: The First Complete Translation. (2005) Penguin Books: London

Learning to Observe One's Mind Using a Sacred Text

 There are no phenomena extraneous to those that originate from the mind.  So, one should observe one's own mind, looking into its nature again and again. 

Tibetan Bok of the Dead....page 45

Note: Text and formatting on this post is way off and I cannot seem to fix it. My bad! :) .

That is the path I am on...looking into the mind again, and again and again. 

For further guidance in this area, I am reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead and really trying to get to know it.  The first three chapters , though offering  very succinct tidbits of wisdom, in regards to the nature of the mind and the importance of taming it, as well as some insight on Tibetan Buddhist tradition, left me feeling like I was doing something sac-religious, like I was touching something I had no right to touch or read, let alone attempt to study and understand on my own. I was reminded, as I read through these chapters, of my catholic upbringing and the way I received the teachings then.  Like only so many people had the right to study and interpret the words in the scripture and to attempt to do so, without the  guidance of the high ranking members of the church,  was like a mortal sin. Likewise this ancient text was not meant, it seems,  for the unguided lay person's interpretation.  It is meant only for the lineage holders to protect,  interpret and share with the "less worthy"(my words). 

·        I have been finding other similarities to my Catholic upbringing upon reading this book. There is a lot of “should and musts” in this text, so far, a lot of “if you want to receive salvation you got be virtuous in this life so you are saved in the next”  type of thing (or at least saved from the wheel of Samsara), a lot of ritualistic and repetitive chanting (making me  think of the rosary and recitation of things like the Apostle’s creed etc) and there is  this required  “reverence” for and “need to be taught” by a select hierarchy of  lineage holders who held the sacred texts from public view for centuries ( the catholic control over the original bible). I see a set up in this monastic  hierarchy maybe…like priests and cardinals and popes…I just do not have the feeling of the “direct experience” that it is pointing too, in the first few chapters.  There seems to be some outside control requesting a certain dependency on the “lineage holders”, teachers and scripture.  It seems to point to the “religion” as the only way to get there??? Man, how many times have I heard that growing up?  There is designed a specific practice of recitation, prayer, reflection? For example, "It is recommended that the preliminary practice be repeated 100,000 times  as a prerequisite.." 

 Now, I know I am in no position to judge or offer an opinion on something as revered as this book is. It is not wholesome or beneficial for me to pick and choose pieces of it that I like or don't like.  I can't critique it by any means. I really do not know anything about anything.  But I do want to approach it honestly, as well as respectfully.  I will read it all.  I will study it all...(without a lineage holder teacher, I am afraid.   I have always been a very independent and self directed learner...I learn best that way. Besides where is one going to find a lineage holder teacher from that tradition around these parts lol  )  All that being said, I struggled, because of my own past memories,  through the first few chapters, though they offered beautiful, almost poetic tidbits and guidance for practice. When I read Chapter four: The Introduction to Awareness: Naked Liberation Through Perception, however...a beautiful light went on! It resonated with me. In this chapter we are introduced , in a lovely  poetic way, to the true nature of the mind. Here the essence of all teachings from all traditions, all religions  seem to come together in a very profound way. I found myself saying, "Yeah! This is why I am reading this! I get it!"  

A  Anyway, I will not contaminate this book with my meager opinion or judgement. All is well!

 

 

A

A

 

Gold

 Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,

her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower

but only so an hour. 

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

I always loved this poem but I see it in my own way, I guess. I see it as a tribute more to Autumn, than to spring as I was taught. What I see, of course, is a poetic reflection on the impermanent nature of things but also on the interdependent nature of things. There would be no beginning without a death...there would be no green in spring without the browning in Autumn. Autumn in my part of the world, and in the part of world where Robert Frost lived and wrote, is a beautiful, beautiful gold!I cannot see him not paying homage to that beauty.  The first green of spring is possible because of the gold of Autumn.  Those leaves fall to the earth in October, becoming that which allows the tree to leaf in the spring. So the first green leaf is really gold. 

There is also a thought conveyed in the poem that there is no holding on, no clinging to anything...just as the leaf cannot cling to its stage as a flower, its stage as a green leaf nor as a gold leaf.  I always thought he was playing with "the hardest hue to hold" thing.  Both the green and the gold are hard for the leaf to hold onto so we really do not know if he is referring to the green or the gold hue as being the hardest. But it is especially hard and more dramatic for that leaf in Autumn, for the leaf that is struggling to hold onto its position on the tree, to hold on to its life, is it not?   The colour change represents this inability the leaf has, that we all do not have to hang on to youth and to life. We cannot stop change.  Youth is so short-lived, as is life. "only so an hour". So everyone has so much to say about the line..."Then leaf subsides to leaf"  but I just see it as depicting the ever-changing nature of the leaf...to go from youth to age, to death, back to life.  One stage of the leaf gives way to another.  One leaf that falls in October gives way for another to emerge in April.  

"Eden sank to grief"...always reminded me of November...November is a very solemn month...skies are grey ...and trees that were once vibrant with colour are bare and empty of colour. This is what the gold gives way to. I believe  he was referring to the grief that comes when Eden (nature)...is no longer colourful, to that  dying part of the season before winter comes . And we are reminded simply, through these words,  that nothing gold can stay...nothing stays the same.  Everything is always changing including the green beauty of spring and the golden beauty of Autumn. 

Anyway...that is how I see that poem but heck,  what do I know?

All is well.

Love

 Love can be the greatest trap or the greatest liberation. When love is an attempt to satisfy need-lacking-it is a trap.  When love is something you find in yourself, that makes you whole and complete, that is not contingent on anyone else, then that Love is a liberation. 

Michael Singer

Is There Awareness Behind the Thinking?

 ...the spiritual awakening is to discover that there is continual mind activity [mental movies]. And for some people it is the discovery that a significant part of their mind activity is negative. But the vital part is to discover that there is this continuous talk in my head, which is considered the normal human state...But the question is, Is there an awareness behind the thinking?

Eckhart Tolle

No readers yesterday and I am glad considering the ego-embarrassing realization that I shared . I mean I realized long ago that I, like most people, get caught up in mind activity that takes me away from the reality of my present moment but yesterday I realized just how negative that mind activity is. How I tend to  catastrophize everything and escape...yes escape into those catastrophes.  

Why We Get Lost In Thought

Why would anyone want to escape into a catastrophe or tragic event, crazy lady? So we do not have to deal with the "reality" of the now which we assume, like the movie we are starring in, is going to be pretty awful but in a different way and we know, without our "roles", we have to face it raw. 

You see, in the moment we come back to reality (out of the constant, distracting movement of  mind activity and into unmoving presence) ...we are suddenly  costume less and script less...we are stripped down to our undies without protection. From there, we are forced to face the moment as it is.

The Scary Now 

Let' be honest, the now can be pretty scary. First of all, it is unfamiliar and the ego, which is still lingering around in the back ground of those initial come-to moments, does not like the unfamiliar. It has a lot to say about it! There is also so much unexpressed or deeply stuffed emotion in the now wanting to be released. Many of these emotions are very painful. There is a realization of the emptiness (and not the Sunyata emptiness) of everything we were clinging to previously. So we may feel we have nothing to hold on to as we fall blindly into the unfamiliar.  And in the beginning the now can also feel like a "let down". It seems so "blah" compared to the exciting roller coaster ride we were on in our minds,  full of ups and downs and all rounds.  We may look around and ask, "This is it?  Man what do I "do" with this?" We may feel a compulsion to "do" anything to make this moment more like what we are used to. We also have to face how we spent our lives running from life rather than living it, when we wake up.  That is not pleasant.

The initial part of awakening is not pleasant and I think many teachers fail to share that part of the journey. So when we begin waking up we may be unpleasantly surprised. 

Waking up, coming back to the moment,  may seem especially unkind to people who have endured past trauma. If you have been running all your life...with adrenaline through the roof...it is is not a nice feeling to suddenly stop and have no place to put that adrenaline. That is why most of us spend our lifetimes running from our moments into our minds. 

Easier To Be Lost In The Drama

When I am playing a part of tragic heroine and I am lost in the drama...building it up from actual experiences I am dealing with (I did actually have the symptoms of a possible retinal detachment and I did have a specialist tell me we have to rule out glaucoma but my mind went a little cra-cra with it)  ...it seems to myself and others that I am  my character. It all seems pretty real...but there is still a part of me that knows it isn't real...that I am just playing a part. I know the exaggerated events of now and the potential events of the future I build on in my mind,  are not the "real" trauma I experienced in the past, the stuff I have been running from,  nor is it the drama-less reality of what I am experiencing in the present. The more dramatic and out there the present and future events I create in my mind , the less real it will seem to that part of my mind that knows better. So the mind's movie is almost a safe place to put all the adrenaline I have collected from past traumas  without really having to deal with those tangles and knots left within me from it.  My character deals with it in the mind so I don't have to deal with it in the moment. That is all fine and dandy until one hears that resounding "Cut!" coming from within.

When we are brought back to our moments, as they are, for whatever reason, we may feel very, very vulnerable, unsure, disorientated, afraid.  That is the way I felt yesterday When I was taken out of character, away from the storyline created for this character,  by the voice of realty it was a little shocking.  I landed back in the moment with a thunk. There I was in this kind, patient moment which was gently holding all that was within it out to me and I didn't know how to handle it.  It would have been so much easier for "me", ego chirps, to deal with the potential loss of vision in one eye than to deal with all the residual pain, grief, insecurity from past trauma and all the "real stuff"  that is always waiting  so undemandingly, but so honestly,  for "me" in those  moments I wake up in.  Yesterday's moment of waking up  was uncomfortable. 

Is there an awareness behind the thinking?

And observing presence isn't a thought, it is just the ability to realize  that there is a voice in your head, that are thoughts [mental movies]. And you realize that some of those thoughts are negative and many of those thoughts, are not only  unnecessary but make your life very difficult. 

E.T.

Yet, at the same time I had this realization and was feeling all that "culture shock" emotion after being pulled back into my moment, I was so aware of the awareness. "Yes! This is good.  Feels like crap but I know it is good to be this open and raw, to be here in presence rather than lost in mind.  It sucks now but I need to be here in order to get there. " There was this deep awareness, that Tolle talks about in the video linked below,  that I often get lost in mind and the mind stuff is often negative  but for that moment  I  had come out of  mind. I could see so clearly that being back in the here and now is not always a pleasant experience initially  but it is exactly where I want to be.  It was really quite amazing. 

Most of us spend a great deal of our time here on this planet living in mind made movies in our heads , instead of in the moment.  And for most of us those storylines are negative.  Regardless if the storyline is positive or negative, however, we all have a tendency to use these movies to escape from the reality of our present moments.  For many of us being in the here and now is hard and we do not want to deal with it.  It is much easier to get lost in drama.  But if we really want to heal; if we really want to live... we need to get out of our minds and back in to the present moment where Life is. As exciting and distracting as the mental movie are. ..and as uncomfortable as the initial part of waking up may seem...it is  in Life where we truly want to be. Let's be present.

At this moment, having renounced activity[the movie in the head], and having attained a singular concentration, I must not fall under the sway of bewildering mental afflictions.

Tibetan Book of the Dead, page 33

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle (n.d.) How to Calm The Voice Inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBXpFbOPUdA

Tibetan Book of the Dead ( 2005). Penguin: London 

No Drama Afterall

 Life is like a movie. Write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.

Jim Hensen  

I had an "aha" moment today in the examination of what goes on in my mind related to the stories we tell ourselves so ego can play a part. I am often lost in character as a tragic heroine,  playing a victim's role well enough to fool anyone, including myself. I seen so clearly today, however,  that "victim to life's challenges"  is just a role many of us become so attached to, but it is not who we really are. The dramas  we star in are  often just ever changing mind-made creations. Accepting script changes that may force us out of character can be painful but it is very necessary in order for us to heal from our delusions ..so we can  connect to who we really are. 

No Drama Afterall

Let me begin by saying, I do not have glaucoma...as of yet anyway.  I am at a risk because of a thin cornea and family history but as of now...no glaucoma.  Just some cataracts and  a dry eye which is believed to be causing the pressure and impaired vision I get in my left eye in the morning. (That and the floaters).  Hmm! 

The Movie I was Starring In 

The ophthalmologist  noticed something in the summer that warranted further testing to rule Glaucoma out. For months and months, previous to the "rule out Glaucoma" thing,  I was concerned that my retina might be detaching (family history of that) because of the increasing  pressure I was getting, as well as the flashing lights and big blobby floaters that kept getting worse. Even though the optometrist seen no tears on examination last spring and assured me it was just a vitreous detachment( a fairly common and benign condition), concerned about my vison I asked my doctor to refer me to an eye specialist.   And on examination she, the ophthalmologist, said there was absolutely no retinal tears and confirmed the other diagnosis of a posterior vitreous detachment. She did, however,  incidentally notice a fair degree of cupping and decided to test me farther for Glaucoma. When I left her office last summer, however, the possibility of having Glaucoma was not the focus of my attention. My shame was.

Shame: A Change in the Story Line and the Loss of A Starring Role

I was more embarrassed then anything that I did not have what I thought I might have, a retinal detachment.  That the pressure,  flashing lights and floaters were absolutely nothing and I was making way too much of it. I was  ashamed that I did not  trust the optometrist's opinion enough to leave it at that and instead probably wasted this much- in -demand -doctor's precious time and energy for nothing more than  a neurotic concern.  The shame was a bit too much. 

I was also regretfully embarrassed that I was subliminally focusing on my eye so much for months, wondering if I was going to lose my vision in it ( Even though I was acting all cool and in control, like 'oh that is the least of my problems' ).  You see, I had added this life circumstance: "Oh, on top of everything else, I may be losing my vision in one eye" to the plot and story line of the movie I was starring in called, "Oh Wo Is Me. This is "My" Life". In the movie, the tragic  heroine had so many bigger issues to deal with that the eye issue was played as being something that was of secondary concern , and she so cooly pushes it aside, thus amplifying her victim struggle and making her appear even more so the heroine she was playing. It was shocking to realize that I was really attached to my role and to the story line. 

Then when I was told in the  summer that there was no retinal detachment...I heard the not so nice director inside my head yell, "Cut!". I was called out of character pretty fast and it was like a thunk and a bump to my ego's need to be starring in this role.  Though I gained a certain amount of relief, I also felt like I lost something. The eye problem had become a part of the movie's plot line. I was playing it well. Without it, my character's victim status was going to be diminished. and then we had to add all that shame and embarrassment in there about being so neurotic and not so "cool" ...not fun. 

Revamping the Script; Revamping the Role

So the  script writing part of my mind, being as clever and resourceful , as it is and in its determination that I become the best tragic heroine ever,  has an "Aha!" moment.  It decides to add that very subtle, "It may be Glaucoma" to the script and to build it up. So before I know it, hours after my embarrassing call to come out of character,  I am back on set as this tragic heroine  with the eye issue. She is now someone who might have Glaucoma (instead of someone who might have a retinal detachment)  but doesn't have time to focus too much on it because she is too busy dealing with more important things and caring selflessly for others. We didn't have to write the "Oh, and on top of everything else,  I may be losing my vision in one eye" out of the script after all. I could still play the part well. I became attached to it again. Though it was played as a secondary issue in the  story...there was this creative  build up of suspense as the  character waited for this appointment that would determine the future of her vision. The music was building up and building up in tempo ...everything was taking us to this moment...and then "No Glaucoma." was like the sound of screeching brakes.  The audience is left with a "What the Fork?" let down  and I am pulled out of character once again, landing with a thunk on my backside.

Without the Story; Without the Role

I stumble around confused and nervous with a "Who am I without this role I was so identified with for months? Who am I without the drama of another challenging life event? "  It wasn't the nicest storyline for any character to live through in a movie but it was "my" story line and it was something I could play well. I was so committed to my role, lost in it, and when the  story line gets changed or I am asked to come out of character I feel lost.  Sure I feel relieved but I also feel so naked without the costume and the story.  Man. how cra-cra is that lol?

This is a very common human tendency, is it not?  To get lost in story, to get lost in a role?   I mean the movies we create in our minds, do not have to be as tragic as the ones I create in my mind. lol I realize , after today, just how negative I have been. Without meaning to, I have been focusing  on creating a dark and challenging scene and atmosphere, blurring or cutting out all the beautiful, wonderful things. Because of past parts I played in dark movies,  I too often  see the worse case outcomes as the climax of my life story.  Man.  Other people create the story lines for  comedies, romance, fantasy, epic dramas and horror movies etc.  So many options but I choose those dramas where I can play tragic heroine because, I guess, my mind tells me it is the easiest one for me to play.  It is where I had the most practice and experience. Crap!  That's dark. How did I get so dark in the writing of my own life story? I much prefer comedy and I can be funny and see the humour in almost everything when I am not so stuck on playing the victim. I could turn this around and write one good comedy about how I, a comic hero, blows everything out of proportion and thinks the worse lol...maybe I will.  

Anyway, as I was driving home...completely free of costume and make-up, I felt so vulnerable, so raw and so real.  It was scary being this exposed, without a role or a script to hide behind,  but at the same time it felt freeing to realize that the movie wasn't real and either was my part. I heard myself saying. "Yes!  This feeling, though uncomfortable, is good. This is where I want to be, outside the drama, not in it." There is something healing in that.

We need to step out of our dramas and our roles more often even when it is uncomfortable to do so.

All is well. 

Seeking Wisdom for Liberation From an Ancient Text

Last year, this year, the waxing and waning moons, The days, nights and indivisible time moments are all impermanent. If we reflect carefully, we too are face to face with death. Grant your blessing, so that we may become resolute in our practice! page 11

I read and study , analyze and summarize that which comes to me in the form of "teachings" in the same way I read, studied, analyzed, and summarized poetry in my English Lit classes.  I do so with great interest, reverence, and a desire to grasp the message being shared in both a conceptual way and a very ineffable way. It is almost like  trying to solve some great riddle contained in the words  and some even greater riddle that lies beneath the words.  I have done that with The Bible, A Course in Miracles, The Gita, The Upanishads, The Tao Te Ching, and so many other great teachings. Now I am doing it with, The Tibetan Book of the Dead,  which just happens to be like poetry in many degrees. 

Yet I know it is a "sacred teaching" that was protected and held from the world for centuries by its "lineage holders". Would these holders deem my approach to reading this a sacrilegious thing to do? Here is me, a lay person who doesn't even deem herself a Buddhist,  with so little expertise  , so little indoctrinated knowledge trying to grasp a selfish understanding from this ancient scripture. Do I have a right to do that with this or any such text? I really don't know. Yet, here I am pulled to these teachings and gobbling them up like they were my sustenance. I guess I truly am a Jhana Yogi. 

So I finished the first two chapters. A guide to " prayer" and mantra recitation practice is offered in these chapters. Through those guided recitations, we see many of the teachings of  Tibetan Buddhism, mostly on the impermanent nature of things that we tend to erroneously cling to or avoid. It offers a reminder to recognize these attachments, as well as a request for us to revamp our commitment to practice so we become more skillful in our actions, speech and thinking. It a reminder that we are all capable of Buddha-hood (being liberated by direct awareness of truth) if we first recognize the errors of our ways and commit to pursuing the skillful and virtuous path.  A call to see how compassion is needed for all of us, who have yet to see and understand the truth of who we are beyond the "obscurations" of our minds, is repeated again and again.  And there is this reminder of the major point of this book (I suppose) which is the need for us to face that which we are most afraid to face...this concept of  the impermanence of our bodily lives...to face death. Great liberation, we are told, lies in being able to do that. 

That is what I feel called to do lately, for whatever reason, to understand death. Death is the mother fear of all fears and in the western world we are surrounded by an epidemic of fear. Fear and wrong view is at the root  of most of our illusion-based suffering. We need to face that which we fear in order to see it clearly and transcend it. I personally want to transcend my fear for self and for others. That is why I finally got this book that I have been meaning to read for a very long time.

Anyway...I suggest you read it yourself if you feel inclined. What I am seeking from the book may not come out in words so I am not sure what I will be able to offer here, from it as I read it. 

All is well. 

Padmasambhava,  Terton Karma Lingpa (revealer of text) , Gyurme Dorj(translator) Graham Coleman and Thupten Jinpa(editors) (2005) The Tibetan Book of the Dead: First Complete Translation. Penguin Books: London

We Are In It and It Is In Us

 Remain still, with the conviction that the Self shines as everything yet nothing, within, without, and everywhere.

Ramana Maharshi

This quote is very profound and probably underlies the teachings found in the video listed below. 

Oops...will get back to this in a minute.  Decided, last minute,  to have my Thanksgiving supper tonight as it seems to be the only time I can get everyone together and so now  I have to pop the bird into the oven.  (Man...I hate the sound of that.  I don't eat meat  for many reasons but I cook it for those that do.  I find it hard to do so...yet I do.  Forgive me Turkey)

This is what I gathered (paraphrased) from the last portion of the Alan Watts lecture, entitled, We have forgotten who we are:

• We, in the west, tend to differentiate between what we do and what happens to us. When we decide to take a deep breath...it seems that we are doing the breathing but when we stop thinking about breathing, we are still breathing.  Are we doing it then or is it just happening to us? 
• Do we beat our hearts?  We don't say, I  "beat  my heart", like we say "I breathe". There are so many involuntary body functions in which we say we have no control. Watts tells us that just because it seems we have no "conscious control" over these process, we do have a "supra conscious" control over our bodily function, over everything actually.  He says we make our blood flow just like we make the sun shine.  The body knows that it is a continuation of the universe, that we are a continuation of the universe...not separated from it.  
• When we watch someone walking down  the street , we are making them walk through our attention to them walking. It is hard to believe we are doing that but we are. If we were not observing them walk in front of us, would they be walking in front of us? We control everything the body is doing and we control everything the universe is doing...
• Of course, we do not realize that. If we did we might go a little cra-cra...with all these delusions of Grandeur or what Watts referred to as "Holy Man Syndrome"...thinking we are special...when everyone of us has these same innate powers to control everything. 
• There is no such thing as separate events. Everything we observe is us...It is all us...the person walking down  down the street and the person observing the person  walking down the street are one and the same. Tat Taum Asi
• We can, however, only experience one thing at a time and we have no idea how we, as everything, are making everything happen. We don't know how we make that person walk before us...but we do. We don't know how we make the sun shine, but we do.  We don't know how we beat our hearts but we do.
• This organism is a continuation of the energy that makes everything happen 
• Yet ego gets in the way of us knowing that.  "Ego is nothing more than the focus of conscious attention. " "The moment we cease to identify with the ego and identify with the whole organism, we see how perfect and harmonious it all is. "
• There may be discord at the personal level but at the higher level, it is all perfect and harmonious 
• "The world is really okay and can't be anything other than okay because it wouldn't exist if it wasn't."
• Omnipotence is  not about knowing how everything is done , it is about knowing that it just does get done
• Life is a dance of energy. No such thing as a distinction between spiritual and material "stuff".  It is all just pattern.
• We may be aware that there is a brilliant light within everything...beneath everything... but we are often not aware that we are looking directly at that light right now
• The brilliant light of the cosmos can be found in absolutely everything, even in an old paper cup...when we look at the cup we are looking directly at this light
• Awakening is really a reexamination of our common sense which has been rigged so that we feel like strangers in an alien world. When we start to really question this common sense we grew up on we begin to see it as it really is...it becomes obvious to us that we are continuous with the universe....not separate from it.
• When we take on a practice to attain something...say start practicing yoga... we are getting in the way of this truth. If we try to improve this "self" so we have a better experience in the universe ...this is an indication that we are not yet understanding the truth.  We are one with that which we want a better experience of.
• We can't strive or struggle to reach where we already are...to become what we are.  We can't strive to love...if we do it because we think we "should" than we lose sincerity
• Tale of a man with a problemed mind that goes to the sage for help.  The sage says he can help if the man first shows the sage his problemed mind...which of course the guy couldn't.
• Spiritual practices are ways of just continuing in this "folly" We are told to let go and do nothing...then we try to do nothing which actually becomes a doing something. 
• "There is no road to here and here is already there."
• We already have what we are looking for but it is "our privilege and deeply felt wish to play the game that we don't". When we realize this... the distinction between voluntary and involuntary behaviour disappears.
• We are part of the process.  It is all one process
• We do not come into this world...we are grown from this world
• "In every lump of rock floating in space  there is an implicit human intelligence."
• "I am in it and it is in me.  There is always a transactional relationship between organism and environment."

So much wisdom in this lecture...it brought to mind another beautiful quote I heard from Ram Dass,

As long as we are logged into our thoughts we are always one thought away from here.

Anyway, thought I would share.

All is well.

Alan Watts/ The Advanced Course (October 5,2022) We Have Forgotten Who We Are. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DffomqkDMCw

Deliberately Seeking To Play The Part?

 

Do you define yourself as a victim of the world or as the world? You are not a victim. You are doing it.

Alan Watts

Excuse the typos that may appear.  I am finding it hard to write because of the eye.

Thoughts are just pointers, Eckhart Tolle reminds us in Should I  Ignore Nice Thoughts?  Positive thoughts, such as, "Life is beautiful"  may point to and lead to a certain amount of appreciation for Life. That's wonderful but we know from studies that the majority of our thoughts are not positive ones. They do not have the same compulsive quality to them that negative thoughts have. We are more likely to attach to and identify with the negative. These thoughts tend to run ramped,  proliferating like cancer cells trapping us in stories and creating barricades between the story character and who we really are.  ( see last two entries).  He reminds us:

The most vital thing is to remember what is beyond all thought. 

What is beyond the thought?

We are...who we really are beyond the veil of the thinking mind.

Instead of trying to convince ourselves that we should appreciate Life through our thoughts, we should simply experience that appreciation directly through presence.  We can only do that when we are beyond the thought veil and seeing the Self that is there..

Awareness of who we are is always the main goal and that awareness is "non-conceptual"...we cannot explain who we really are or know it with the thinking mind. We can only be it. Understanding our thinking tendency and  how the mind works is a crucial step in realization.  Recognizing how we so easily get caught up in thought/story is the first step to waking up and waking up is all about knowing , beyond thought, who we really are. 

Could the Dramas Play a Significant Part in Our Awakening?

Alan Watts takes this pointer a little farther by reminding us that Life itself is a drama that we as Self have created in order to have the challenge of discovering ourSelves beneath it. 

Say What Crazy Lady?

I know, it sounds like another riddle. Bear with me.

In the last two entries I spoke about the mental movie I often get trapped in when negative thought takes over. When I am in that movie , it all seems so real. I am the character wearing the costume, reading the script and the plot appears to be happening to this character, this "victim" of Life called "me". The props seem so real too.  I mentioned in one entry how there is an acting coach( the thought addicted ego) there telling me, the actress, to assume that I am powerless to what is happening and totally not responsible for any of it. With stern and aggressive direction it tells me to stay in character. I do. While in the movie, I am a true victim. I stay lost in this mental drama...seeing it all as real...feeling so trapped by "my" life...until  the kind and soft spoken director says "Cut!" 

I am then brought back to reality. The veil comes down and I realize I was momentarily lost in thinking. I was just playing a thought directed part and that none of it was real anywhere but in my mind. I am present again in this moment. There is no thought. I am experiencing Life directly   I am that. Tat Taum Asi.  I am what I am. I look into the set of my mind. I see that I am all of it...the acting coach, the screen writer, the make up artist, the director that says "Take!" and the director that says "Cut!"  I am responsible for all of it and I am none of it.  It is mind blowing. I stay here for a bit experiencing directly this appreciation for Life.  

Then I get called back to the set and I get lost again in the movie.

"Keep Pulling Me Back In"

Why? Why...if I have these glimpses of realization do I  keep getting pulled back to the movie, to the thinking, to the "suffering"?  

I haven't yet paid the price. And I was never pulled back...I willingly went back!

Watts tells us that we won't fully wake up until we feel we have paid the price for it.  We are just actors in a big drama that God is playing through us. In those moments we have, if we are lucky and willing enough to hear the "Cut!" ,  we will step out of character and see we were just playing a part.  Veils will go down and we will realize who we are beneath our costumes and roles. We will see that we are not the separate character...not the victim alone and exposed to external circumstances against her will...but that we are  everything! Not only that, but we will see that we are willingly playing the part every time we jump onto that set. We are responsible for it.

You are not victims of the scheme of things, of a mechanical world or an autocratic God. The Life you are living is what you put yourself in. You don't admit this because you want to play the part.

What?  Who would want to play this part I am playing, to get lost in a horror movie, or a tragedy like this again and again? 

Watts encourages us to look at Life as a game, "a far out play" and to see how we are deliberately involved in it.  He more or less explains that we come down here into this incarnation we call "me" in order to take part in the ultimate challenge.  The challenge consists of getting as lost as we can in our minds, to go as far away from realizing who we really are as we can just so we can find our way back. Why...so we can pay the price for a just reward.  You play "non-bliss in order to experience bliss . The bliss of experiencing who we really are can not be without first experiencing the suffering that comes with  forgetting who we really are.  

The world is God's drama, he explains,  and we are emanations of God. So when we meet the challenge of discovering who we really are,  God sees God through  our realization...that is why the bliss we experience in enlightenment is so pure. We are here to abandon Self for "self" just so we can abandon self for Self. 

Well this idea that we could be deliberately taking part in a big game of "Find Self/ Find God" beyond the drama and that we are creating and starring in our own movies of suffering in order to do that...is still blowing my mind a bit.  So I will leave it here.  

All is well!

Eckhart Tolle (October 6, 2022) Should I Ignore Nice Thoughts? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SBSYS9exr4

Alan Watts (October 5, 2022) We Have Forgotten Who We Are.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DffomqkDMCw

From Pain Distraction to Reflection

 We who are fearless and hard hearted, despite having seen so many sufferings, of birth, old age, sickness and death, are wasting our human lives, endowed with freedom and opportunity, on the paths of distraction. Grant your blessing so that we may continuously remember impermanence and death.Page10

From the Common Preliminary Practice in the  Tibetan Book of the Dead. Penguin, 2005

I felt compelled to come back and explain something probably more to myself than to anyone else (which is good considering I will probably be the only one that reads this lol).

I keep mentioning the physical pain as the one trigger that takes me back into the moving narrative of my mind.  And that is not true.  I certainly have pain but it is more of a mental pain related to the physical that brings me back to a particular movie.  The pain I am having right now,  as was the pain I had in my armpit a few years ago and the pain I had in my left lower quadrant ( well that one could creep up to a nine at times) and the pain I get in my chest when I am having coronary vasospasms ( well I shouldn't use that for an example  either...that too can go up to a 9 pretty quick)...What I am trying to say is physical pain, by itself, is not a trigger. It is usually not that bad and  I can take pain, I really can especially if I can see and understand the cause of it, whatever that cause may be. This pain I get in my side is more of a deep, dull ache than a pain. At best it is a 6 /10 on the scale , most of the time less than a five.  And it is usually only "bad"  at night.  I didn't stop doing yoga and therefore teaching yoga because the pain is too much to bear. I can bear it.  I can still do yoga though it is very uncomfortable, but the thing is...if I do a full practice during the day, I will really feel the pain on those nights .  It will get bad enough to keep me awake. Sleep seems to be the only reprieve I have these days from all the other stressors in my life, like,  "How am I going to survive financially? or how am I going to handle the suffering of loved ones without getting lost in it?" So I don't want to be awake all night thinking of these things as well as the story connected to any bout of physical pain I get. I don't want the physical pain for that reason. It isn't the pain I resist but that which is connected to it: the story and the not knowing.

Physical pain brings me back to the movie, "Oh Wo Is Me."   There is so little hope, in this movie, that this will be diagnosed and treated effectively when the others have yet to be. Some one keeps calling out in this movie, " Look what assumption  has done! You lost more than just your health and any hope of being treated so you can get better, you lost your job, your career, your  income, your sense of self esteem, your reputation and a purpose. "

 The "me" of this experience  has been really diminished by past pain and fears it will  be farther diminished with this pain...and has so little left to give away to any health seeking venture. 

So when I am walking in the woods really feeling the now...what takes me out of my moment isn't the sudden experience of physical pain but the story attached to it. I automatically go to the story. The story is so darn consuming. 

I honestly believe I could handle anything...any diagnosis and subsequent prognosis.  That isn't it either.  It is the not knowing and this belief I have that I will never know what is happening to my body, that others will never know and never assist me in the way that is needed, that pulls me in. I fear I will never be believed until it is too late..  As someone who taught Pathophysiology for years and someone who has been practicing yoga enough to have established a certain union with her body....I know something is happening to this form, just as I did with the other pain experiences. I don't know if it is something serious or not serious. I just know it is something. I want to know what it is. So I am still clinging ...not to the pain experience... but to the desire to know and understand what is causing it.  Letting  go of a need to know, is very challenging. 

Of course, all this clinging and wanting to know, this feeling diminished  is what is going on in the movie. I am distracted by the movie but he Greater part of me isn't.  It doesn't need to know anything. 

So I recognize, when I am back in the moment,  that all this is just a distraction...just me getting lost in thinking and story whenever I get a bit of physical pain.  I see how everything I was so attached to that I feel I 'lost'  was insignificant in its unreliability.  I see how the suffering I have experienced because of this situation  has led me to something so much deeper and healing than external validation could ever give. I see how it has led me to and continues to lead me  to face some hard truths. It has led me to reflect carefully. on that which most of us run from...the impermanence of things. Our bodies will not last forever. It has led me to reflect on death

Last year, this year, the waxing and waning moons, the days, nights and indivisible time moments are all impermanent. If we reflect, carefully we too are face to face with death. page11

Hmm! I still get lost in this movie in my head related to pain and health seeking but I am able to bring myself back more and more. I am able to  reflect on what is real and important. I understand and accept the impermanence of things.

All is well 

Lost in Character?

Entranced by ignorance, from begingless time until now, you have had more than enough time to sleep.....So do not slumber any longer, but strive after virtue with body, speech and mind!...The time has come for you to develop perseverance in your practice..... Since we do not recognize that impermeant things are unreliable , still, even now, we remain attached, clinging to this cycle of existence. Wishing for happiness, we pass our human lives in suffering.

Passages from Common Preliminary Practice section of The Tibetan Book of the Dead. Penguin 2005

I have been feeling sad off and on over the last few days . Part of that sadness comes from an attachment I still have with the things around me that I seem to be losing or have already lost. It comes from an over identification I have with them.  I am still caught up in this "me" thing and I am still seeing life circumstance as happening or not happening to "me".  Despite my practice, I can still get lost in story. I can still fall back to sleep.

I can still get  completely mesmerized by the movie in my head and before I know it I  find myself in the starring role of victim again. So engrossed I become in this part and this movie that I forget it is a movie. It, all the drama happening around me and in me, the heavy plot, the background music, the atmosphere of the scenes, the appearance of villains, as well as the part I am playing as victim,  all seem so bloody real. I feel like the character does...trapped and stuck in great suffering. (Suffering that the acting coach  tells her she is not responsible for and  that she does not have the  power of controlling).  Like her I find myself fruitlessly  plotting and planning, without knowing how, I am  going to get out of the mess I am in. It gets so dark and heavy.

"Cut!"

And then all of a sudden I hear this little director's voice within me softly and patiently calling out "Cut!!" 

The lights suddenly come back on and the sad music stops playing in the background. I look around to see that none of the props were real, that I am in costume and heavy makeup playing the part of a victim, but not really one. I realize  that I have been reading from a script.  Those playing the role of villains, I quickly discover,  are just actors like me.  They are simply playing a part too. I even see my own awkwardness and vulnerability  in them. I sigh deeply, releasing my identification with the character.

Then  I step off the stage and I go outside to I feel the Autumn sun on my face.  I hear the breeze blowing through the leaves now orange and red with vibrant beauty.  I put one foot after the other down on the pine needle covered path I walk everyday. The earth  feels so good underneath my feet, solid, supportive, loving. One step and then the next step.  All that was in my mind seems to be pouring out the souls of my feet.  I take a breath and let it go...and another and another.  It seems to be all that matters. This breath, this step, this moment is all there is. There are no "problems" ...no victims, no villains...no drama...no lines to remember...just this...just this precious moment and everything in it. I see that I am that. Tat Taum Asi. I was never the role I was playing only moments before. 

I reflect on how I got lost in my role again and tell myself I am going to try harder so that doesn't happen again.  I commit to persevering in my practice so I can stay with the moment longer. So I can stay awake. I am at peace, feeling hints of happiness and joy. 

"Take!"

Then suddenly there is pain. 

My mind is drawn from the souls of my feet to my left rib cage to the pain I have been having since May. My mind steps in again. "What is it?  What could it be? Why will no one tell me? Does it have  anything to do with those other lumps and masses and pain I had in the past that was dismissed and forgotten by everybody but my body and mind, without so much as an explanation? Those things that took so much away from "me" and led me here struggling to survive financially?  What is happening to this body?  I need this body to be well now so I  find some kind of paying  work so I can survive. Do I have to relive what I lived in the past again and again and again? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why "me"? " 

Then from there I hear  another impatient director's voice calling out, "Take 5067!"  

I am suddenly back in front of the camera ready to perform.  The lights go down, that music starts again. The actors around me become villains and I get lost in character . I get lost in the movie once again.  It all becomes so dark, so heavy,  so real. There doesn't seem to be a way out. 

Where is the director with the soft voice that can end this scene? Oh right...that director is me.

Going In and Out Of Reality

This is what it is like for me.  I am so trying to stay in the moment...to stay with what is real . Yet, I continue to get pulled away into the mind's movie by ego's direction and called back to realty by soul's. There is a battle between the two for my attention it seems. So though I am in the moment more and more, I still get called back into the mind's attachment to the unreliable and impermanent things. I realize what is real, what is important and what isn't but phenomena still has a pull for me.  I am still attached. And that attachment will lure me into my costume and make up again and again. 

Sigh!  Regardless, recognizing this pattern is a crucial step of our practice.  No one ever said that waking up, let alone, staying awake was going to be easy.

All is well. 

Changing Clothes

 When we look at life and death from a broader perspective,  then dying is just like changing our clothes! When this body becomes old and useless, we die and take on a new body, which is fresh, healthy, and full of energy! This need not be so bad. 

Dalai Lama

From the Editor's Introduction, The Tibetan Book of the Dead: First Translation. 2005. Penguin Books: London

Dying (Drying) Eyes: New Vision

 An essential part of seeing clearly is finding the willingness to look closely and to go beyond our own ideas.

Cheri Huber

As I sit here to write I have my face pretty well pressed up against the screen.  My left eye is not behaving.  I know if I were to put a patch over it and view the world from my right eye it would not be so nauseating lol.  My perspective is off...I am not perceiving the world like I have in the past.  It is uncomfortable to look out at what is before me with  this big hazy blob that comes and goes over one eye. Part of me wants to go back to the vision I had before this eye started acting up. It seemed so clear then. It was more comfortable and less exhausting.  But was it real? 

Hmm! Yep...I am getting to a point.  I am seeing things differently now in all kinds of ways.  In my waking up my perspective is convoluted and distorted from what it was before. What seemed clear is no longer  so clear. Why? Because my ego has glaucoma...my ego is sick. ...and I have been seeing through my ego most of my life. That type of vision ego gave me is leaving me...for good...there is no return to the pre existing vision.  It is a bit off putting to have the ego change so dramatically and find yourself not seeing the way we were trained to see...to find yourself  questioning those shapes moving  before you and in you, wondering just how solid and substantial they actually are. It is off putting to know you can't get that vision back. The more you squint and struggle to focus the more nauseated one becomes with the effort. It takes so much energy. We are not meant to struggle to see. Seeing is done through us not by us. We will see what we need to see  in the new way when the time is right.  We just need to sit back patiently and wait for it all to be taken care of...to wait for the new vision to establish itself.  It's coming.  It's coming. 

So just as I patiently await for my appointment next week to find out what the next step will be in establishing a new norm for my physical vision...I await for the eyes of spacious awareness to replace the eyes of ego. I am confident that I am establishing a new way of seeing and understanding the world and myself through every bit of learning and practice I feel compelled to do.  

I am presently reading a text/book that will help me attain new and clearer vision.  I have been wanting to read and study , The Great Liberation By Hearing in the Intermediate State, or better known as, The Tibetan Book of The  Dead, for so long now.  I am sure it will help this form I call "me" to let go of  old ways of seeing so a new realization can be born within me.  It will also help me to cope, not only with the physical loss of a certain visual acuity, but of the loss of body that is sure to come  for this form and for forms I am attached to. One of the greatest things we can do for ourselves and other beings is to accept the impermanent nature of all things. We do that when we look into the eyes of death and we do not have to die to do that.  We will definitely see clearly, achieving luminosity and awareness, when we die but we do not have to wait for death of the body to achieve a glimpse of this understanding. This book will possibly help me do see clearly.  Ironically, it is is in very small type...ugh! 

 All is well.  . 

Note: After this was written it was determined that the big blob that sometimes disturbs my vision in my left eye is just a result of a floater brought on by the very benign condition of vitreous detachment  and dry eye.  So the title should really be "Drying Eyes: New Vision) lol

Don't Take Any of It Too Seriously

 

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

C.K. Chesterton

Talking/writing to myself again. Big fat 0 on my stats page.  What happened, I wonder, that disconnected this blog from what it once had? And why am I okay with it? Just taking it as it comes I guess...maybe something will change in the near future or maybe I will be inspired to do something differently...I don't know. 

I am dreaming at night...those kooky dreams I get...and am possibly  being told things are going to change soon, somehow physicians are involved in this change ( in my dream anyway)?? Which is really bizarre.  Maybe my book is going to get published. I don't know but something is going to change for the better in unexpected ways and I think this dream is showing me that I am going to be paid for it...paid well possibly...which would be nice lol. Maybe it is telling me not to give up, not to lose faith which I have been doing. Any improvement in my financial situation would be a blessing.  Any change in so called "luck" would be appreciated, let me tell ya.  My father, jokingly,  used to call me "Calamity Jane" and said that instead of  being blessed with the luck of the Irish, (the luck  that is  believed to be held in the horse shoes nailed above doorways), it seems I am more likely to have those horseshoes  drop on my head.  I have a lot of bumps on my head, I guess,  and I have no idea where the luck went. It didn't pour on me. 

Of course, I am being silly.  I do not , like my Irish ancestors, put much faith in luck. I do put my faith in karma...and the cause and effect thing but luck has little to do with why I am where I am now.  But I do like to remember the silly teasing from my father. We were brought up not to take the challenges in life too seriously, to laugh when everyone else seemed to be crying. And we did.  We laughed in the most inappropriate settings. It was a great release and a great relief to play a little here and a little there within the so called "seriousness" of things, to play  instead of constantly struggling  to survive.

Alan Watts tells us we are not supposed to take it all so seriously. Staying alive is not a must or an obligation...it is an opportunity to dance. Imagine if we looked at life like that...as an opportunity to dance and play and laugh even when everyone else is crying.

Regardless of how sad and how serious things are in a given moment...we have to remember that, This too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever...not so called good times or so called bad times...nothing lasts forever. We don't last forever.  So let's look at every moment as if it were one precious note from the most beautiful musical composition...savour it, play with it, dance with it and enjoy it.  Don't take it too seriously.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Mind Awakening ( n.d.) Achieve State the of Flow, Right Now! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOzaqmTbbbg

On Prayer

It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.

Gandhi

 I sit here today, writing  from my disconnected- from -the -world state, trusting that it is all as it is meant to be. Trusting the Tao, trusting God, trusting Life ( or at least wanting to). I do what I do because I do.  I do  because I am a participant in this Karmic dance of cause and effect and not the controller of it....allowing all to be as it is. I am swept along by the invisible chords of music I can only know by connecting to it with my heart.  

Hmm! Adding another video.  Helped me...hope it helps others. Well it is obviously, like all things I put on this blog these days,  not getting out there for others to see lol but it is out there whether it gets seen or not. :) 

All is well!

Known By Those Who Do Not Know

 He by whom Brahman is not known, knows it;

He by whom it is known, knows it not.

It is not known by those who know it,

It is known by those who do not know it.

Kena Upanishads 

What the fork? 

The above quote is not a mind twisting riddle, though it may seem to be. It is an  excerpt from the Kena Upanishads, a very important Hindu text dating back to 1000 BCE.  This text attempts to describe what God is...or probably more accurately...what God is not while constantly reiterating the limitations of concepts and words, the limitations of our thinking mind and our idea of knowledge  to describe, understand and to know something as hard as this source of everything we call God or Brahman is to know. If we think we know God "conceptually"...we do not know God at all.  If we understand there is no real way to know God with our limited minds...then we know God. 

There truly is only one way to "know" something and it is through what Wayne Dyer referred to as  "conscious contact." He goes on to say, in the linked vide below, that there is big difference between knowing "about" God and  knowing God. Most of us know about God without truly knowing God. 

Now many of us, whether we know it or not, are seeking to know God.  We go to religious centers, to scriptures, to dogma, to practices like prayer and meditation,  to Gurus in hope that they will create in us a conceptual knowledge of God. We seek to attain that "knowing" that will free us. We may devote most of our lives to doing this but Alan Watts tells us, in his recorded lecture ( see link below), that we are simply chasing our tail...going around in circles, getting nowhere when we do this.

Why? Because we already have that knowledge within us but we do not "know" it. We do not "know" it  because we do not know" ourselves in the "conscious contact" way.  We really do not know or experience who we are:

The God head cannot be the source of its own knowledge just as a knife cannot cut itself (somewhat paraphrased)

So just as we need a mirror to see our head, we look outside our self for God , depending on concepts and ideas and practices. Our minds have no way of handling "non-conceptual knowledge" that a true knowing entails. We seek knowledge from others. 

We may be told in our practices, in the scripture or by our priests, teachers or gurus...to "let go" of all these concepts...to "let go" of thinking. Following their directions, we shift gears and begin "doing the work" of letting go. We strive, we seek, we put effort into  attempting to "do nothing", to stop thinking these thoughts which are so much a part of us.  We meditate maybe to get to a state of trance induced  emptiness, mindlessness...the blank slate.  We think the trance like state of the meditator or seeker is enlightenment but Watts warns us that seeking this is just another trap leading to another tail chasing experience.

Meditation, Jhana yoga, prayer, listening to wise teachers is all wonderful, having  so many benefits to us in all realms of our existence but they are  not the be all and the end all of our evolving.  It is a medicine not the nutritious diet we need to sustain ourselves with. (paraphrased somewhat. ) Each element of our practice is merely a tool we use... a raft that takes us across the river. Once we get across...we are not finished and we do not pick up  the raft and carry it with us on our journey...we leave it there.  

You do not need anything to hang on to.  You are it. 

I love this:

You can't sit to meditate unless you are already a Buddha, in which case, why sit?

We meditate, not to get somewhere or to gain some special knowledge or to seek anything. That is counterproductive.   We meditate to connect to the stillness we already are, to have "conscious contact" with what is. There really isn't anything to gain from our practice because everything is nothing,

Hmmm! Something to think about.

All is well! 

Wayne Dyer/ Inner Self (n.d.) Just Stop Doing This and You Will Be Healed Permanently/ Wayne Dyer The Secret Powerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1waHtJwcRaw

Alan Watts /Mind Awakening ( n.d.) Everything is Nothing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCk-5QB7aaQ

The Tao: No Self or Effort Required

 The man who rows a boat uses effort. The man who puts up a sail uses magic.

Alan Watts

I love that quote above.

What does it mean crazy lady? 

Alan Watts in, The secret of happiness, teaches about the Tao and the importance of getting out of the way of it.  The Tao, of course, is that invisible fluid perfection of nature, of  Life flow that we cannot fully understand with our limited human minds. When we see ourselves as separate little "me"s in a strange and dangerous world full of "others", we often get in the way of it ...we strive to get somewhere, we push hard...we work against this force.  We row the boat ( often against the current)  when all we really have to do is, put up a sail, let go to the flow and be carried by the "magic" of the Tao. 

Self? Other?

If we identify with our separateness, we often feel  that we need to defend and attack to protect ourselves from Life.  We judge what unfolds in front of us as fortunate or unfortunate, advantageous or disadvantageous to this  separate little me...failing to see the whole impersonal nature of the Tao, failing to see the 'bigger picture'. We may feel attacked by Life when unfortunate things happen 'to us'  and "resist" life circumstances and Life. We may "work hard" to change it, instead of accepting, allowing and questioning if there is a wiser, more meaningful wind  beneath  these turn of events, beneath  that which is unfolding in front of us...than  the ego is capable of  understanding. With tongues out and fists clenched we too often stand  in the way of this flow ( as if that is going to do anything to change it lol) instead of allowing ourselves to be carried by it. 

Different or the Same?

There is no "self" separate or different from the "other" anywhere but in our minds. We would not have a sense of self if we did not perceive an "other".  Just like we can not perceive darkness without perceiving light, just as we can not have a front without a back and vice versa...we cannot have a self without an other and an other without a self. All things are connected. 

We can put up a so called fence between self and other but that fence becomes shared property, doesn't it?  On one side it is my fence ...on the other side it is your fence... but it is just one fence.  Whose fence is it then  and does it really separate what is mine from yours when the shared earth runs beneath that fence? And just as you multiply 1 x 1...your side times my side ...you still get one.  

Our body lines...that which we think separate us are shared property. They do not separate us from each other or us from the environment in which we live. Self is other and other is self.  In some eastern philosophies this consideration of so called polarities or opposites is termed "identical differences" . Different is identical and identical is different. I love the way Thich Nhat Hanh used to refer to this understanding of what we call self and other..."Neither different nor the same". 

A Part of The Flow

So once we understand there is no fence, no border, no separation  between self and other, between "me" and " you"...between "me" and everything else in the world... this understanding of the Tao becomes a little clearer. We begin to understand that there is a force flowing beneath everything, carrying everything, and we as little dots of matter, are carrying that same force within us.   Our effort to stop or redirect that flow not only exhausts us and causes conflict both externally and internally, it  is meaningless.  We cannot stop the flow that has been here on this planet...this tiny speck of dirt in the universe for billions of years before we were born and will continue for billions of years after we die. So why don't we learn to stop resisting, to accept and allow what is and flow with it instead of against it? 

Observing and Knowing

In Taoism there is no difference between you, the observer, and what is being observed, between you, the knower, and what is being known.  If there is any knowledge  at all it contains the knower and the known. What is important is the true experience: to be happy and to know you are happy. Yet we are often required in the west, Watts reminds us, to do what is acceptably happy making but to do it only as if it wasn't required. I may love to dance  for no other reason than to experience dancing  but if you observe me dancing and comment on my dancing  I may learn to dance for you and for me instead of the sheer joy of experiencing it, without observer or knower or "me" or "you". You may then tell me I am showing off. I will then  become self conscious and focused on how I appear to you and to myself . That diminishes the felt sense of happiness,  of being in the Tao. 

Dance as if you have no audience...not even yourself!

Anyway...I am beginning to ramble.  Have a listen for yourself.

All is well!

Alan Watts/ Timeless Knowledge (n.d.) The Secrets to Happiness.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jFXwJ69j8Q