Loving Self

 

"You are already enough."

You will start to see that, you will be that.

Your world will get brighter,

 your load will get lighter

And with life you will see that 

you can be a lover, not a fighter.

And that life...you deserve it.

Because you are worth it.

And there is no point in letting yourself

keep forgetting

because no matter what you say or do:

you are perfect.

Adam Roa

I was looking for some inspiring words on Self-love today and I was led to this amazing poet's Ted Talk. His spoken-word is all about what "hippies' like me also write about, speak about, read about, learn about but too often fail to put into action. He inspired me. It was what I needed at the time. 

I have been dealing with a loved one in another downward spiral and everytime she goes down I seem to go down with her. Not only does my love for her lead to great concern, I always feel too much what others feel, confusing my emotional perspective with theirs. When they are expressing how down they are, I find myself down. When they express in action or word how up they are...I find myself up. I absorb people's greif, anger, confusion, insecurity, fear, worry, joy, peace, and bliss if it were my own, just by being in the same room with them. It gets very confusing and chaotic inside this me.  That is one of the reasons I need solitude more than others might. What is up with that?  

If it is a loved one, that feeling entanglement is even more intense. If they express self love, I find myself loving this human I call "me'; when they express self-hate, I find myself questioning my own worth. I have a loved one who is in alot of pain, who fluctuates quite often from feelings of deep depression, to hypomania. She pulls me up and down the emotional ladder with her. I moved away in hope that it would give her the ability to find her own strength, to learn to stand on her own, to get the professional help she really needs... but also because I was burning out from the up and down momentum her emotional dysregulation was pulling me in. (This dysregulation leads to a lot of extreme behaviours , often directed against me).  I thought the distance would help both of us and in a way it did...but...yep there is a but coming...she still reaches out in a myriad of ways asking me ( more or less demanding) that I slip down into that darkness with her when she goes down. She believes that is the only way I will "validate her experience and be there for her in the way she needs".  I, am evolved enough to know that her way is not healthy for either of us.  It is best I stay up here where I am able to reach a hand down to pull her up when she is ready for me to take her to the professional support systems out there (she too often is resistant to grabbing my hands and going towards that type of help). I can stay cool, calm, firm, yet there when I am up here looking down into her darkness. She hates that and  tells me I am being nothing but robotic and mechanical. She makes my "lack of love and support"  known to all who will hear her. So, though I still stay up here physically...I feel like I am down there with her emotionally.  I feel great compassion for anyone suffering, especially when it is someone I love. I also still cannot seperate my emotions from hers sometimes.  I think I am okay and cool by distancing myself in some way, but whatever she has going on sticks to me, gets absorbed into my pours, and becomes a part of me. I find myself depressed when she is depressed. And on top of that I feel the guilt she so wants me to feel at those times for not jumping down into that hole with her. Worse: Her expressed self-hate makes me experience my own  lack of self-love.

I want her to love herself enough  to do the hard work of facing her demons and getting help. To give her what she truly needs, I need to not only stop somehow getting all tangled up in her emotions, but I also neeed to model self-love. I mean truly model what it means to love one's self. Can I do that? That requires my own healing, the facing of my own demons, the releasing of whatever is holding me back, and putting myself first. That's a big challenge. Sometimes, it absolutely shocks me to realize how little I care for this human I call me, how I keep putting her needs beneath so many others. To see the beliefs and to hear the self-talk that still lingers inside this mind I call "mine" is ridiculous. Modelling self-love in action is a very big challenge.  I am working on it but it is a big challenge .

Why on Earth would you share something so personal, crazy lady?

Again...I cannot express enough that suffering is not personal...it is universal. To heal one's self is to heal all. So, though our story lines differ and there are different details in the narrative...suffering is suffering.  It exists; there is a root cause for it; and there is a way through it. Getting beyond it begins with understanding it isn't personal. Self-love is really achieved when we realize who we all are...not these little me's with a series of personal problems...but One Greater Self with none.

I feel compelled to share that.

All is well. 

Adam Roa/ Tedx Talks /Frankfurt (2026) Treat Yourself Like Someone You Love ( Learning to Love Yourself)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2L4s6mdKUc