Waking Up in a Busy World: The Desires of the Lingering Self

"Bright, loud, and mobile is the false. Subtle and indistinct is the true."

Ajanh Amaro

I do not wish to live in the false. I wish to live in truth, even if it means being indistinct.

I listened to Ajahn Nisabho answer a question about what happens when we get too attached to our world pursuits in hope of becoming distinct...like writing a book, for example.

When attached to outcomes, say very slowly, "When I finish this book, I will be very happy forever."

Well, of course, I see how ridiclous that statement is. Yet, it is very applicable to 'my' life right now. (Well, to this human's little experience of life). I am struggling over this book I committed myself to finish. I think it is such an important book in the sense it offers some wonderful life healing and hard-earned wisdom. As I am writing, rewriting, writing, rewriting...getting stuck...finding some release only to get stuck again...I find out, a book very similar to this intention has already been done and recently published by Michael Singer. Part of my commitment, as well as my jaw, just dropped to the ground for all kinds of reasons. (Besides being floored, once again, over how our minds seem to be so connected to the same thought waves.)

How on earth is an obscure author like this "me" going to compete with the likes of Michael Singer? There is only so much limited space out there on that platform to begin with and only the best and the worthy will be able to stand on it next to him. There will be no room for this obscure little human that I am. I put so much time and energy into this but I don't seem to be getting anywhere anyway...maybe that's a sign I should abandon this mission. This human may not be worthy of it.

That is the thought stream I observed in this mind. So, when I sat down to listen to yesterday's podcast, that question came up (another piece of undeniable synchronicity) and I immediately began to practice saying over and over:

When I finish this book, I will be happy forever.

Of course, I know happiness is not dependent on the finishing of this book. Nor is it dependent on what I assume are the outcomes of a finished book: Notoriety or obscurity...doesn't matter.

I see two intentions behind this endeavour...one wholesome, one not so wholesome. One spurred on by "little self", and one spurred on by "Greater Self". Little self, which is very much still in me (the subtle sense of lingering self remains) is still longing to be lifted from obscurity and scarcity as if that will bring happiness. Greater Self knows that it won't. Little self is still trying to convince me that the outcomes of finishing this book will bring happiness, while Greater Self is telling me to simply write the book for healing purposes and share it so at least one other may find the direction for healing, they too may need. When I found myself in the above thought stream, I realized once again that ego was still very much attempting to take over this mission.

Even this downward spiral of thought into this human's sense of unworthiness to write and speak that which someone who is already known has written and spoken about ...was ego doing what ego does. I was circling around myself.

Self flagellation a sense of narcissism, a sense of circling around one self is unwholesome selfing

What can this small, insignificant human through the writing and thus the completion of this book give of value and meaning to the world?

Not worldly stuff that would ever satisfy theattachments of little self in this human and in others.

Milarepa: the wise Tibetan yogi said...."all worldly pursuits have but one inevitable end, which is sorrow. Meetings end in partings, acquisitions in dispersions, buildings in destruction, birth in death. Knowing this, one should from the very start renounce meeting, building and acquiring. And faithful to the demands of an eminent teacher, go about realizing the truth which has no birth or no death. This alone is the best science.

All these things ego wants from this writing endeavor will not last or satisfy for long.

Be weary of gain, honor and praise...[They keep us stuck in self] [All these things] "will be ripped away"...these [things] are impermanent.

What the writing of this book can offer is a very healing truth, a truth that does not come from this little me but from something much greater, that Singer has already tapped into. We are not competing...simply sharing that universal Source of wisdom. There can never be enough expressions of truth, can there be?

All is well.

Clear Mountain Monastry (April?,202) The Wing Span of Humility. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpS6CaBZxMg