Samskaras Related to Writing

 All these self sabotaging techniques gradually disappear if you apply awareness to them, observe them. 

Eckhart Tolle

I was exploring the possibility that I was self sabotaging when it comes to my writing. A very wise person brought awareness of this possible tendency to my attention and it surprised me. I was also, that very same day, questioning the true motivation behind why I asked a loved one to read one of my manuscripts. I realized there were several underlying factors at play besides, "Can you tell me what I can do to improve this?"

 I guess I was sensing something was up in my approach...not so much to the writing itself (that remains pure and natural)... but when it comes to showing my work, submitting, and getting it out there so others can read it. I have many unpublished manuscripts and independently published books- that I had worked very hard on; that I thought were good; and that I had written with the intention of helping others, collecting dust on my bookshelves. Why? Why does it stop there for me? I was convincing  myself, that I wasn't meant to be read by many while I was alive, maybe post humously, but not while living ...that obscurity was my plight...that if the universe really wanted what I wrote out there, that it would take care of it...I just had to write what needed to be written and the universe would take care of the rest....that by not putting a lot of effort into the post-writing stage of this process ...into promoting and showing my work...I was simply expressing that I wasn't attached to outcomes etc. 

Is that the truth?

Of course, this stalling and getting stuck prior to significant readership, was happening because it was a self sabotaging technique I was not aware of having. Now, I want to shed light on it. Explore that possibility. Look deeply into it. Bear with me. I am convinced though that much of this can be relatable to others. 

I write usually with the intention of bringing something of value into the world. I want to serve, I want to give, I want to help...that is all true...but there is also a big part of me that wants to express herself through this artform...I am more myself when I am writing than I am anywhere else. It is my playground where I get to say and be who I am. I feel free when I am writing. (Well, as long as no one else is reading it...as soon as a reader comes to mind, things change.)  

So, what has that got to do with why you self sabotage the chances to be read? 

Well, like many of you likely did as well, I perceived, that I was not allowed to be "me" as a child. I was not allowed to be and express myself freely. I often got shamed, shunned, ridiculed, and even punished when I was happily expressing my most authentic beingness. (This, I am sure, is what many who grew up in the culture I grew up in experienced.) 

Growing up (before the programming took hold) I saw beauty everywhere. The world seemed like one big, beautiful playground to explore. Everything was "poetic". It was fun; it was exciting; I loved people...I loved it all. And it also terrified me. I never felt safe being "me" in it. I, in my truest form, was so different than the other kids around me. Much more sensitive and emotional, much more introspective, connected to things others could not see or understand (that I could not see or understand), and inquisitive to the point of being extremely annoying. My siblings and friends thought I was "weird", "strange", " a sulk". They unknowingly convinced me that because I asked so many stupid questions that I was stupid. I owned that, growing up believing they were right. That there was something wrong with my true self. I wanted so badly for this "me" to be seen, heard, accepted, and loved but the more "me" I was the more I got the opposite of what I thought I needed. So, I learned very early on to do what others wanted me to do, to say what others wanted me to say, to be what others wanted me to be. Sound familiar to anyone? (This, I believe, is a very common conditioning response in the formation of our personalities.) I stuffed "me" away...but... she came out when I wrote.

When I was in grade five one of the stories I had written for creative writing class and got to be myself in, got read out loud to the whole class. I actually got praised for this expression of "me". It felt so good. This "me" was seen, heard, validated, accepted. She wasn't "weird", "strange", "sulky" or "stupid"...she was a writer! It happened again and again whenever I wrote for school. I even had a grade nine teacher tell me that she expected to see my name on the best seller list someday. That cemented it for me: As long as others thought I could write, I would be okay. Writing gave this true "prior-to-personality -development me" worth and value, in a world where she felt shamed and devalued. As long as I could write well enough for people to praise my work, I had value in this social pack.

So, as the years went on the "idea of writing" became my redemption. When I screwed up in math class as I often did, I would remind myself that I could write. If the people pointing out my inadequacies in any area could see how I was with words, I would tell myself, then maybe that would redeem me in their eyes. When I got rejected or ridiculed for whatever reason, I would say to myself, "just wait until they read my best seller, then they will squirm for having said or done that." Or, when I felt misunderstood, as I often did, I would soothe myself by saying..."They will understand me and accept me when they read that great work I am going to write. My gift with words will show people someday that this "me" is good and okay."

I became very attached to the "idea of writing" and what it could give this "me" in the future. So, though I still write mostly for the sake of writing and expressing my "beautiful" authentic self that is truly independent of the need for other's approval...this child seeking to redeem herself through writing still lingers around, determining how I show my work. This child still has the unspoken request whenever I open up my writing to others, "Please tell me I can write." Why? "So, I know I have value." 

So, what happens if someone doesn't like what you have written or doesn't think you are a good writer?

Hmm! That's the problem, isn't it? Of course, not everyone is going to like my style of writing or what I write. The writer within me who writes for the sake of writing is okay with that...expects that...sends her work out on occasion knowing that...But that child in me isn't okay with that. She is still seeking to be seen. She is still seeking to be validated and accepted for who she is.  She still believes that her value to this pack called "society" comes from approval for her writing. If she shows this true expression of who she is to others and they say, "Nah! Don't like that. Don't want to read that!" she will hear, "Nah! Don't like you! Don't want you in this pack! You never belonged then and you don't belong now. " 

That is why I go back to those who were around during the time this denial of "me" began, who were in the same conditioning group I was in, who might of even innocently believed I was "weird, strange, stupid" back then...to read what I want to pass on to the world.  They are the test screen my writing must get through. I mistakenly assume that if they say, "Oh you can write!", it will erase what I have come to believe about this "me". It will make it okay to be me as a writer and as a person...it will be safe. And I can then open myself up to the world. I will begin to do what I need to do to get my work out there. I will begin to do what I need to do to openly be my authentic self."

If they hum and haw, with the purest and best of intentions, to protect and help me...and tell me that "Maybe this isn't ready to show the public yet" (remember...they have the same conditioning in them that I have in terms of, "This is what you show the world and this is what you don't and it has to be really, really good before it is safe for you to send it out there." ... the child will only hear what she heard back then, "Weird, strange, sulky, stupid etc. " I close up. How does that look? The books go on the shelf, and I reprimand myself for being weird, strange, stupid enough to think I had a right to express myself in that way. Thank God, they stopped me before I showed this "me" to the world...again!" 

Now, my loved ones have nothing but the purest intentions...to help me. They have no idea of this broken little child in me and what she is looking for when she asks them to read something. They won't remember what they may have said fifty some years ago and how it impacted me.  We were children for goodness sake.  Heck...I barely remember anything from childhood, just glimpses of this or that. I had no idea of this child still lingering around in my psyche until yesterday...and it was like "What the Front Door!" I immediately emailed the person reading one of my manuscripts and explained that what I was asking her to do was related to an unhealthy tendency in me that I am looking into breaking. ...she could abandon her mission.

So, why did all this come up now? 

Because I am openly willing to release the samskaras that are holding me back from living life to the fullest, which will include for this human...writing to the fullest. This was a big one...memories came back, the awareness of this child came back and here I am. Watching, observing as this big samskara comes up to be heard and understood before it takes the next train out of here. 

Do you think you will publish or promote those books on your shelf now?

I don't know. I may. But I think the real break through here is in the clearing away of a samskara that was holding me back from being who I am. So cool!

All is well in my world.