...the spiritual awakening is to discover that there is continual mind activity [mental movies]. And for some people it is the discovery that a significant part of their mind activity is negative. But the vital part is to discover that there is this continuous talk in my head, which is considered the normal human state...But the question is, Is there an awareness behind the thinking?
Eckhart Tolle
No readers yesterday and I am glad considering the ego-embarrassing realization that I shared . I mean I realized long ago that I, like most people, get caught up in mind activity that takes me away from the reality of my present moment but yesterday I realized just how negative that mind activity is. How I tend to catastrophize everything and escape...yes escape into those catastrophes.
Why We Get Lost In Thought
Why would anyone want to escape into a catastrophe or tragic event, crazy lady? So we do not have to deal with the "reality" of the now which we assume, like the movie we are starring in, is going to be pretty awful but in a different way and we know, without our "roles", we have to face it raw.
You see, in the moment we come back to reality (out of the constant, distracting movement of mind activity and into unmoving presence) ...we are suddenly costume less and script less...we are stripped down to our undies without protection. From there, we are forced to face the moment as it is.
The Scary Now
Let' be honest, the now can be pretty scary. First of all, it is unfamiliar and the ego, which is still lingering around in the back ground of those initial come-to moments, does not like the unfamiliar. It has a lot to say about it! There is also so much unexpressed or deeply stuffed emotion in the now wanting to be released. Many of these emotions are very painful. There is a realization of the emptiness (and not the Sunyata emptiness) of everything we were clinging to previously. So we may feel we have nothing to hold on to as we fall blindly into the unfamiliar. And in the beginning the now can also feel like a "let down". It seems so "blah" compared to the exciting roller coaster ride we were on in our minds, full of ups and downs and all rounds. We may look around and ask, "This is it? Man what do I "do" with this?" We may feel a compulsion to "do" anything to make this moment more like what we are used to. We also have to face how we spent our lives running from life rather than living it, when we wake up. That is not pleasant.
The initial part of awakening is not pleasant and I think many teachers fail to share that part of the journey. So when we begin waking up we may be unpleasantly surprised.
Waking up, coming back to the moment, may seem especially unkind to people who have endured past trauma. If you have been running all your life...with adrenaline through the roof...it is is not a nice feeling to suddenly stop and have no place to put that adrenaline. That is why most of us spend our lifetimes running from our moments into our minds.
Easier To Be Lost In The Drama
When I am playing a part of tragic heroine and I am lost in the drama...building it up from actual experiences I am dealing with (I did actually have the symptoms of a possible retinal detachment and I did have a specialist tell me we have to rule out glaucoma but my mind went a little cra-cra with it) ...it seems to myself and others that I am my character. It all seems pretty real...but there is still a part of me that knows it isn't real...that I am just playing a part. I know the exaggerated events of now and the potential events of the future I build on in my mind, are not the "real" trauma I experienced in the past, the stuff I have been running from, nor is it the drama-less reality of what I am experiencing in the present. The more dramatic and out there the present and future events I create in my mind , the less real it will seem to that part of my mind that knows better. So the mind's movie is almost a safe place to put all the adrenaline I have collected from past traumas without really having to deal with those tangles and knots left within me from it. My character deals with it in the mind so I don't have to deal with it in the moment. That is all fine and dandy until one hears that resounding "Cut!" coming from within.
When we are brought back to our moments, as they are, for whatever reason, we may feel very, very vulnerable, unsure, disorientated, afraid. That is the way I felt yesterday When I was taken out of character, away from the storyline created for this character, by the voice of realty it was a little shocking. I landed back in the moment with a thunk. There I was in this kind, patient moment which was gently holding all that was within it out to me and I didn't know how to handle it. It would have been so much easier for "me", ego chirps, to deal with the potential loss of vision in one eye than to deal with all the residual pain, grief, insecurity from past trauma and all the "real stuff" that is always waiting so undemandingly, but so honestly, for "me" in those moments I wake up in. Yesterday's moment of waking up was uncomfortable.
Is there an awareness behind the thinking?
And observing presence isn't a thought, it is just the ability to realize that there is a voice in your head, that are thoughts [mental movies]. And you realize that some of those thoughts are negative and many of those thoughts, are not only unnecessary but make your life very difficult.
E.T.
Yet, at the same time I had this realization and was feeling all that "culture shock" emotion after being pulled back into my moment, I was so aware of the awareness. "Yes! This is good. Feels like crap but I know it is good to be this open and raw, to be here in presence rather than lost in mind. It sucks now but I need to be here in order to get there. " There was this deep awareness, that Tolle talks about in the video linked below, that I often get lost in mind and the mind stuff is often negative but for that moment I had come out of mind. I could see so clearly that being back in the here and now is not always a pleasant experience initially but it is exactly where I want to be. It was really quite amazing.
Most of us spend a great deal of our time here on this planet living in mind made movies in our heads , instead of in the moment. And for most of us those storylines are negative. Regardless if the storyline is positive or negative, however, we all have a tendency to use these movies to escape from the reality of our present moments. For many of us being in the here and now is hard and we do not want to deal with it. It is much easier to get lost in drama. But if we really want to heal; if we really want to live... we need to get out of our minds and back in to the present moment where Life is. As exciting and distracting as the mental movie are. ..and as uncomfortable as the initial part of waking up may seem...it is in Life where we truly want to be. Let's be present.
At this moment, having renounced activity[the movie in the head], and having attained a singular concentration, I must not fall under the sway of bewildering mental afflictions.
Tibetan Book of the Dead, page 33
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle (n.d.) How to Calm The Voice Inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBXpFbOPUdA
Tibetan Book of the Dead ( 2005). Penguin: London
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