Life wants to support you but first you need to be open to Life.
-Eckhart Tolle


Relief


Ahhhhh! Relief...how wonderful and amazing that sensation is.  Relief!  To be free of the intense pain after four days of it (thought it would drag  me back to the start of my journey and leave me on the curb) and to see the crisis semi-resolved (for now) inspires this wonderful sense of relief.

I am so, so grateful...and not just for the relief experience but for the pain and the crisis as well.  I am learning to be grateful for everything Life puts in front of me.  I truly am.  I really do not know what my future holds...it doesn't matter really nor do I know  what will unfold tomorrow...What is important is what I do with today...with this moment I am in. And that begins with accepting and allowing Life to flow through.

That pain was something that had to flow through me and it did.  When I didn't close up to it, resist it and I just recognized and allowed it to be what it was without creating story and drama around it (okay...I will admit, it was challenging not to do that lol) it ebbed and flowed with its intense message and then it was gone.  Once again the point was made: it is not what happens to us or around us that causes this idea of 'suffering'  but our resistance to it or our desire to cling to it.

Suffering

Eckhart Tolle describes suffering as "another level that lies on top of the pain". There is pain and on top of that is this mind made suffering that causes the majority of our so called 'problems' with Life. The mind will build story around everything and thoughts will grow and multiply the more we believe them.  Ego likes drama and it  creates it. When we buy into those thoughts or that drama ego gains control and it is able to drag us away from the moment like it so wants to do.  We become lost in the sense of 'suffering' when all we had to do was experience the pain or the life event as it passed through. We then may do the usual human thing...we react, we deny, we repress, suppress, avoid.  We numb and we shrivel up under the weight of something that could have been as light as air blowing through us or as cleansing as water flowing within us if we didn't get lost in our 'thinking' about it.

Energy Needs to Flow

Physical pain is an energy.  The emotional response to crisis is an energy.  Relief  and peace and joy and bliss that we experience in response to what is happening to us or around us  are energies as well. All energy is meant to flow through. What happens though...when the experience is something we judge as negative or undesirable... is that we resist and struggle against that energy.  We put up blocks and barriers or we stuff it down real good with a host of defense mechanisms.  When it is something we judge as positive...like this feeling of relief I am experiencing...we may try to cling to it, hold on to it instead of letting it go so it too can pass through.  either way...we don't let it go, we don't let it flow through us as it is meant to do.

Samskaras: Blocked Energy

In Sanskrit, this 'impression on the heart' created by blocked energy patterns that we do not allow to flow through us are called Samskaras. Michael Singer in the untethered soul writes:

Hence two kinds of experiences can occur that can block the heart.  You are either trying to push energies away because they bother you, or you are trying to keep energies close because you like them. In both cases you are not letting them pass, and you are wasting precious energy by blocking the  flow through resisting and clinging.

Suffering is created when we judge something as undesirable and we resist it , not allowing it to pass through. We then create damns and heavy iron doors so we don't have to 'experience' it.. The heart contracts and we have energy blocks within us that can cause even more 'suffering' in the long run.  Repressed, suppressed, denied emotional experiences stay within us and manifest later as disease or post traumatic stress.  Believe me, I know all about this one :)

What Happens When We Don't Let Go

Most disease is caused from this.  There is a wonderful documentary on Netflix entitled Heal and it speaks to this mind made idea of suffering as the root of most disease.  If our minds are the cause, then our minds are also the cure, are they not?  Do you not think it was ironic that after dealing with such a traumatic crisis last week that I had no real time  to process through because I had to be 'the strong one'...that physical pain entered my body to knock me down?  Life wanted me to hear something and I wasn't listening.  It spoke, I ignored and then it shouted with the  cardiac symptoms which I have gotten very good at ignoring.  Then when I still wouldn't listen it whacked me with something I couldn't ignore. Hmm!  That brought me back to the here and now, let me tell ya!

The point is we need to let all experiences pass through us without resisting or clinging.  Just let go.  We need to stay open to Life.  It wants so badly to support us.  Maybe we should let it by staying open.

All is well.

References


Heal. (2017) Netflix documentary https://www.netflix.com/ca/title/80220013

Singer, Michael ( 2007) the untethered soul. Oakland. New Harbinger

Tolle, Eckhart (n.d.)Eckhart Tolle Enjoying Every Moment Full Movie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9o-l3t_FBw

Darkness is your candle

What hurts you blesses you. Darkness is your candle.
-Rumi

I was compelled to find something from Rumi that emphasizes the point that challenging external circumstances , though they can bring pain, can also bring a certain learning and therefore reason to be grateful. Pain, be it physical or mental, can bring light.

I think so called difficulty  brings light in terms of bringing 'clarity' to a situation, allowing us to truly see.

Emotions, I realize, are not personal...they are human.  Humanity shares these emotional experiences though we do not recognize that when we  are lost  in our 'little me' identities.  Pain  becomes 'my pain' rather than 'pain', my problem rather than a problematic perception shared by all; my hardship rather than simply  the challenge of being human.

.It doesn't have to be this way. When we face pain or 'difficulty' instead of curling up and away from the world...we can instead hold our suffering out in front of us like a candle, can we not? We can  allow it to light the way for others and for ourselves.

Just saying.

All is well in my world!

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what  is essential is invisible to the eye.
-The Little Prince

That little piece of wisdom from that lovely story may apply to my photo...I could not shoot a picture today if my life depended on it ...not even in auto...lol.  And then for the life of me I couldn't edit or download.

A Reminder: It Is What It Is

We create most of our suffering, so it should be logical that we also have the ability to create more joy.  It simply depends on attitudes, the perspectives, and the reactions we bring to situations and to our relationships with other people.  When it comes to personal happiness, there is a lot we as individuals can do.
-Dalai Lama

We would all be better off we if we  dropped all the drama and learned to live by: It is what it is.

This mantra has seen me through some very challenging times this week and I witnessed the effects of these words on someone else who finally gets their significance.  They are so, so powerful taking us through almost any challenge. We can accomplish remarkable things when confronted with crisis. My body and mind knew that so it allowed me to stay up and deal with what had to be dealt with.

I won't go in to detail about a  traumatic crisis that I faced on Monday night...I will just say I literally had not slept more than an hour at a time since Monday midnight because of it. As a result I feel like crap!  My ticker does not like stress, cold or sleeplessness and I had all in quantity so that, of course, was acting up with brady and sats in the low 90s, chest pain etc...you know the drill by now.:) So I know I  really need to come down into that quiet place of sleep so my rate, blood pressure and sats can go up.  That is the way it is for me.

 I reached a point where I was finally able to sleep and in my own bed.  Yeah!!!!

Well so I thought...2 am I awoke with the pelvic pain again.  I had almost seven days without it or the bleeding and I was like...it's gone...it's gone....whatever it was... is gone. But no...I was  reminded last night when I needed sleep so desperately, it was still there.   It is so wicked...into my back, hips and legs.  I want to cry. Anyway...I caught myself looking up saying, "Are you f&*^%$# kidding me?  You won't give me one night of sleep after all that????"

Then my mind went to the crazy fact that I cannot get the help I need for myself or my children.  There was no call back for an emergency consult for me as I knew there wouldn't be.  And as I showed up in ER on Monday night with my loved one...I knew too that nothing dramatic would be done then either.  Our system is really, really broken and I just feel helpless in it. I will never get the help I assume I need from outside sources.

I reacted  with negativity, desperation,  resistance but only for a moment.  I brought myself back to that simple mantra...It is what it is and I changed my attitude, perspective and my reaction.  Without resistance, without drama, without blame,  without denial, repression or any of the others...it simply is what it is. And accepting that is the biggest step in healing.

All is well in my world!

Throw Away the Old Way of Looking at Happiness

The situation you are in right now is exactly right for you to work with your spiritual awakening [happiness],
-Eckhart Tolle

Do you believe that?  Or are you still complaining about external circumstances not being right enough to make you happy?

The Wrong View of Happiness

One of the biggest ideas or wrong perceptions that we may have stuffed in our little bag of ashes is this idea we have of happiness.  What do you believe happiness is and what determines it?

Most of do not think beyond the superficial world around us...we don't go deeper than what we can perceive with our five senses.  Our happiness or lack of is determined by a set of  external circumstances. How easily we are disappointed when we do that. We see the  rain that gets in the way of the perfect picnic we were expecting to share with a romantic partner. So we become 'unhappy'.  We feel the cold air that gets in the way of the perfect ski date we planned with our friends and we become unhappy.  We taste too much spice in the soup we have prepared for our dinner guests and we become unhappy. The traffic outside our motel room is too loud and we become unhappy. 

Are you getting it yet?

For many of us, if external circumstances do not meet with our expectations of what they should be like, we often decide that gives us a 'right' to be unhappy. A right to be unhappy?

We have an idea in our head that happiness is dependent on what is going on around us. We seek to experience that elusive happiness by relying on external circumstances to work out for us.  We also may spend a lot of emotional, mental and physical energy into  trying  to manipulate and control those circumstances. 

Never knowing what the future holds, we may also rely on fantasy of  upcoming experiences to make it better, give us hope, distract us from the 'unhappy external circumstances' that are occurring in this present moment.

What are we doing?

Things in this world come and go.  That is the way of life.  There will be sun one day, rain the next. Cold one day, warmth the next.  There will be gain one day, loss the next. We can never predict what will happen in the future nor can we be free of imperfect external circumstances. 

The moment that we are in is the moment we are living.  So waiting for the future to bring us happiness doesn't make a lot of sense either does it? 

As far as the right to be unhappy...sure we have a right to be unhappy but would you rather be happy or self-righteously unhappy.

Let's face it...this idea we have of happiness does not serve us. We cling to it so we can be righteously grievant lol but it does not serve us.  We need to throw it away!

Do you want to be righteously unhappy or happy?

Would you not agree that it would be better to be independent of the need for things to go a certain way in our experience happiness seeking?  Wouldn't it be better to be happy in the rain and the sun, in the cold and the warmth, with whatever we taste, smell or hear in our external environment?  If things didn't turn out the way we wanted them to...wouldn't you rather be happy than waste all your mental energy on complaining about it, resisting it or fighting against it?

True happiness is freedom from external circumstances.  It is not a superficial experience but a much deeper one, a spiritual one .  It is also not fleeting like the external circumstances are. True happiness is everlasting.

How do we get there?

• The first step to changing our view of happiness is  being willing to throw out the old belief we cling to.  Just be willing to see  how that view of happiness doesn't serve you.
• Monitor your reactivity.  The old belief in happiness leads to a lot of reactivity.  We react mentally, emotionally and behaviorally to the fact that external  things are seldom the way we think they should be.
• Recognize yourself thinking, "Oh no!  This shouldn't be.  This is wrong. Why is this happening to me?" when something happens out there that doesn't match your expectations. Catch yourself getting irritable when someone isn't acting  the way you think they should be.  Listen to yourself complaining out loud when the line you are in is not moving fast enough.
• Be aware of the connection between your outer circumstances and your inner reactivity.
• Once you are aware,  practice releasing the need to complain, blame,  add drama and struggle or resistance to the experience.  The reaction begins with a judgment or a thought that says, "This shouldn't be." Let go of the tendency to say that to yourself or others.
• Start with the small little things and progress up to the greater things.
• Accept the present set of circumstances for being what they are...whatever that may be..."Oh the line is slow today.  I may be here for a while.  It simply is what it is." The 'this shouldn't be' gets replaced with "It is what it is". Practice that mantra over and over again.
• Allow the experience to be.  When you allow the experience to be you allow the moment to be.  It is in the moment we are presently in  where happiness is found...not out there or in some other moment.
• Embrace the moment...whatever it offers.  Look for something positive in it.  Maybe there is learning in the failure or mistake...maybe there is growth in the suffering...maybe there is a tiny thread of light making its way through the cloud cover.  Appreciate what Life gives us, knowing that it is exactly what we need
• Be happy anyway.

Hmmm!  Let's reach into those little bags of ashes we hold close to our hearts and throw out our old beliefs of what happiness is.

All is well!

References

Eckhart Tolle Freedom From External Circumstances (sorry cannot get into Google right now to get the citing information and link)

A Little Bag of Ashes

In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past but you will find yourself.
-Deepak Chopra

Okay...so I let her rip yesterday with a lot of detail about my own suffering.  That was just the tip of it. I have a lot to let go of. I could keep a person reading for days if I wanted to lol but that is not why I am here or why I relayed that.  Yes, I want to understand and heal from my  own dukkha but I also want to help others understand and heal from theirs.  It is an interdependent thing because we are, according to Buddhist and other religious/spiritual  doctrine...inter beings.

I know I also have a lot of dharma teachings whirling around my head  from the mouths and written words of the world's greatest dharma teachers.  I am in no position to interpret or 'teach' in this capacity.  Do you know how long it takes for  a Buddhist monk to become a  teacher? The  years of practice, reflection, meditation, retreats, isolation, sharing, devotion to the sangha etc that is required?  I am far, far, far from owning the distinction of dharma teacher!  I am just a silly little lay person getting something powerful from the teachings I haphazardly encounter and who has   a desire to share that learning. That's all.  

Anyway, back to the topic of letting go.  I am reminded of this story or parable that I believe the Buddha told to his disciples on the process of letting go. I think it relates to most of our experiences of resisting healing.

 

A Little Bag of Ashes

There was once  a  business man who lived in a small village with his  five  year old son. He loved his son more than anything and worked hard to give him all the material comforts of life.  Being a widower he often had to leave the little boy  alone at home so he could  travel away for business. On one such trip, pirates invaded the village and burnt many of the houses down, kidnapping young boys to use as slaves. His house was targeted and his son was captured and taken away. 

When the man returned home he was shocked and stunned.  He ran around the remnant of his once fine home in search of his son.  He found the burnt remains of a small body about the size of a five year old boy on the road in front of his house.  He immediately assumed that that boy was his son.  He fell to his knees and rocked back and forth in intense grief over this immense loss. 

Later he had the body cremated, as was the custom, and he took some of the  ashes, placed them in a small beautiful velvet bag and kept those ashes close to his heart at all times.  He couldn't bear to be without them. They became his most precious possession. He continued to grieve for months as he stroked the velvet bag and thought of his great loss. He was able to repair his house with the riches he had earned, but he was not able to repair his heart.

One day the boy was able to escape from those who had  enslaved him and he made his way back  home. 

It was late when he arrived and the man was asleep in bed tossing and turning between fitful dreams  about his son and his tragic loss. When he heard the knock on the door, he jumped up out of bed and said fearfully, "Who's there?"  He clung tightly to the little velvet bag to help ease his fear.

"It's me Father," the little voice replied.  "I am home." 

The man became even more afraid, clutching the bag tighter in his trembling hand.  "Is this some kind of a cruel joke?  My boy is dead.  I hold what is left of him close to my heart as I speak."

"No Father...it is not a joke.  It is me.  I have returned.  Please let me in."

The man refused to open the door, clutching the little bag of ashes as tight as he could.  "No!  I will not let you in.  Leave at once and never return. Let me be alone with my grief...it is all I have left."

The little boy tried for hours and hours to convince his father, until finally, exhausted from his months of torture and enslavement, gave up. He  did not know what else to do.  He turned away and left the village, never to return.

His father continued to cling to the little bag of ashes that sat close to a heart that never truly mended.

What Does it Mean?

 



Okay...that was my version lol.  What this parable relays is: when we cling to ideas, wrong views that keep us locked in chains of sorrow and misery, we may become so attached to those mental chains that we refuse to see the truth when it comes knocking at our doors.  Does the truth scare you and do you cling to your ideologies even tighter when you hear it at the door of your Life?

That truth could end all the suffering generated by an illusion or false belief. ...if we open up to it.

What are you carrying in your little bag of ashes? How much pain are you clinging to? Are the ideas that generate such suffering in you based on truth?  Would you not be better off, putting them down and opening the door to see that there was no need to grieve in the first place?  To see that the only thing that was leading to the suffering was actually an idea you clung to of something that wasn't true?

Just saying.  Just asking.  Just learning. :)

All is well in my world.

Understanding our own suffering

We need to go home to self and understand our own suffering , so we can understand the suffering of others...when we understand our own suffering, compassion begins to flow.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Before I begin to discuss all those things we need to throw out I feel compelled to come back to the notion that in order to understand others, we need to understand ourselves; in order to have compassion for the suffering of others, we need to have compassion for ourselves in our own suffering; and in order to heal others, we need to heal ourselves.

Understanding My own Suffering

With my sincere desire to help others comes this awareness, sometimes not so sweetly and discreetly lol, of my own suffering.  I thought I dealt with my trauma pain...wrote some books about it, some poetry, talked about it etc...seemed to have it all wrapped up in a pretty box and bow.  I thought I was truly ready to step out into the world of helping others and then this realization hit me that I have only touched the surface.  So many more memories are coming from way below, so much more pain. It is like a tap that I can't quite turn off.  Menopause seems to be in control of the plumbing lol.

Writing Shame

Last night I awoke in the middle of a hot flash and right away my mind went to some writing experiences I had that caused  much shame that I had stuffed way down deep.  (Or so I thought.)I once wrote and self published  a little book of thoughts and photos  for my sister when she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast cancer...just my way of saying I was there.  The grammar was atrocious because it was basically just a collection of old free verse poems where grammar was not the thing I was focusing on.  It was spiritual based (I was just beginning that journey) and could have been very offensive to some of the traditionally religious people in this community. I knew that. Still I did it for her in my attempt to offer compassion and comfort.  It really did not begin as an ego thing but it grew into one.

Someone else in my family said they  wanted a copy, and another person.  My ego started to get a little inflated. So I made a few others (these were not cheap to make) adding pages that I thought  might be supportive in recognizing the community agencies that could support the types of healing my sister needed over the years.  I thought the little books  were 'cute' but I was very, very aware of the imperfection in them. They were never meant to be sold or marketed.  Yet, as the requests kept coming  in I had to begin asking for payment because of the expense of publishing. My writer's ego did not want that but another ego that wanted some recognition maybe did?

Then I had someone, whose intention was to support my writer's ambition, suggest that I market them locally. My little girl ego, which was feeling stroked as lovingly as a prized show cat, agreed. My writer's ego, however,  stood on sideline tsk tsking the whole time, warning me not to.  This little girl in me or whatever ego that was...ignored it, the imperfections in the text and photos, and began to sell them.

Of course, it blew up in my face.  I lost a lot of money, became extremely over exposed when I was not ready to deal with it (for my sloppy writing, amateur photographs, poor grammar and my emerging views on spirituality that I was not ready to share.) It was like an outward expression of, "Who the hell does she think she is?"    That brought about a great deal of shame that I repressed successfully until last night.

The Spiral Begins

I woke up and boom...there was this shame and this memory. That memory instantly instigated a shame spiral related to another  previous publication experience  that backfired. It took me a layer deeper into memory and feeling.

It took  me back to the year I wrote for a press and for an editor who was 'forced' to take on as a correspondent from my area(me) when he did not feel it was necessary.  In order to prove that such a correspondent would be more detrimental to the paper than helpful, I was asked to send in my unedited work. I didn't have much time to write.  I had three children still in diapers and I was trying to work on the side. So my writing was sloppy. Still it was a writing gig.  I was hooked on the idea of being a writer.  Being so totally naive to what was happening and full of ego, I didn't question and assumed the grammar was not that important and my writing  would be edited by the editor. It  never was.  In fact, it was published again and again  with more grammatical errors than I myself had written. It was a set up.

It was a very, very challenging experience. I was shunned by the agencies I was suppose to get stories on, and literally told off by community officials  who swore oaths to be kind.  I was put on the hot seat and ridiculed and shamed in public more than once. I literally had people from the community calling me up to 'teach' me grammar and later had physicians I worked with telling me how they and their family got quite a kick out of reading my stories and counting all the errors.  Still...I was writing...so I kept going. When this blind little girl ego finally faded away for the reality of what was happening, I was completely humiliated. I had suppressed that experience and repressed the associated shame until last night.

Shame Likes to Be in Control

  That is really not traumatic, right? Why make it a such a big deal?  Shame does that. We wear shame  like a pair of black pants...picking up every hair of shame that is in the subconscious environment until we are embarrassingly covered with it. So the shame of the little book experience spiralled into remembering the shame of writing for that press. That then spiralled off into other shame memories last night. 

I remembered the experience of working with this physician who enjoyed critiquing my grammar and other 'critical' physicians  when I was my most vulnerable. I remember other nursing experiences where anxiety reared up its ugly head and  the shaming that led to.  I remembered the fear I had related to hurting others that was intense enough for me to lose my ability to nurse effectively. That led to remembering my experience as a patient under the care of those who witnessed my anxiety as a nurse. That led to remembering the trauma of dealing with my youngest sister's diagnosis and the loss of another sister so tragically to what I believed was a family condition that I was presenting with.  That led to the shame of my health seeking over the course of two decades and the deep penetrating shame related to that.  That led me back to my time  caring for my mother when she was dying.  She called me her little nurse but I was only 14 and so terrified of doing the nursing procedures on her that I was not trained or emotionally ready to do.  That led me to remembering saying the  rosary night after night around her bed and how hard it was not to laugh simply to relieve the tension. Then remembering being called a sinner for doing so brought me back to my religious upbringing....and that led me to earlier ages of my childhood where the true trauma began.

It was like boom...boom...boom as I fell from layer into the next and all in less than a couple of minutes. That's how quick our minds are and how determined shame is to get control. The thing that connects  all these memories to my deeper trauma...is the shame.  Shame and trauma go hand and hand as far as I am concerned. So remembering that little book shame brings up what my mind is allowing me to remember of the real trauma. I kept going down deeper, one layer at a time never quite touching the intensity of the real trauma. My trauma goes a lot deeper than those writing experiences and has many, many layers to it but by unraveling one little layer at a time, I will heal.

The Root

Of course, my first reaction is to try to resist, to dismiss, to repress those nasty feelings of shame that are exposed as each layer is removed. Last night I was aware of me doing that. I caught myself reciting this mantra out loud that represents my resistance to experiencing my memories fully with their associated emotions, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." 

I realized how that is something I recite whenever I feel shame regardless if it comes in a fleeting moment of embarrassment or in a sustained recognition for something I have done to hurt another.  It doesn't matter.  When I feel shame for being less than perfect, I catch myself reciting this mantra from my catholic upbringing as if penance will make me worthy somehow or that it would at least take away my shame.  Ironically, I can now see the association my catholic upbringing had in relation to these writing experiences and in my deeper trauma. The root of my suffering is that, in my human imperfection, I see myself as sinful and unworthy.  I have not earned the right to  make mistakes, to seek recognition in a positive  light.   If I try to redeem myself I will be sinning and I will then experience more shame as a result.


The moral of this big long spiel

I know that was a long one...whew! There is a moral to all this .

The point I am trying to make is that I have to heal; you have to heal before we can heal others.  We need to look into our own suffering and understand its roots.  This faulty view I  have of self that was generated over years of experiencing trauma rests at the core of me.  When I feel shame I know that that belief is being poked.  Shame is the chief emotion I feel when it gets poked and at the same time shame is the poker. 

So if it is this way with me, could it be this way with a lot of people?  I can't be alone in this experience, can I? 

By understanding the source of my own suffering I can understand the suffering of others better. I can therefore  be more compassionate to my fellow humans, with beings in general.  My compassion can help  allow the seed of understanding to grow in others and in myself .  Can it not?

Let's go home to recognize, sit with , understand and gently release our own suffering so that we have more to give as human beings.

All is well in my world.

Healing by Letting go

Healing yourself is connected to healing others.
-Yoko Ono

Really  want to help diminish suffering in myself and in others.  Can you tell? lol 

I have been on this kick for quite some time and it has led me into many strange and marvellous places in my mind. I have so many questions about humanity and the more I think I discover, the more questions arise. This seeking is never ending, isn't it?  No beginning and no end. :)

I am discovering much from ACIM, Buddhist philosophy(mainly from Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron and other dharma teachers I tap into on line or through their books), from studying all I can about Yoga , the teachings from  Eckhart Tolle(and other secular teachers) ,  and from my own Christian background.  I see these teachings as pointing fingers ...only.... so I go in the direction they point...inward.  I then determine  what the learning feels like inside and accept that which resonates. I let go of the rest. There has been so much learning and so much letting go of learning  that my world feels like it has been turned upside down.

In order to teach others I have to understand.  In order to heal others I have to be healing. Am I healing?  I don't know.  I think so.  I am realizing how much emotion I have stuffed inside me over the years of my life.  How much energy remains trapped in memories I cling to of my life events.  I supressed so much that I don't even remember what I remember lol.   These memories and emotions are coming to the surface and I know I must finally sit with them.  That is a big healing step.

I am also seeing what healing is really all about. This body I am in, that sometimes feels like it is falling apart lol, is simply manifesting what needs to be healed inside.  I think I am ready. I am ready to sit.  I know I can't help to heal another until I have healed myself.

Right now I am stuck on the letting go part.  There is so much I have yet to let go of, stuff that keeps me stuck and trapped by this idea of suffering. One of the key factors in healing from this idea of suffering, according to Buddhist doctrine,  is letting go.  The Heart sutra and the Diamond sutra speak of four things that need to be thrown out.  From Thich Nhat Hanh's dharma talk, I see that letting go involves many things including throwing away some ideologies we cling to.  We need to let go of many of the 'wrong perceptions' we hold on to that lead to suffering. (Of course wrong and right are one of the things we do not want to get too hung up on).

These things include:

• our idea of happiness
• our idea of self
• our idea that we are the bodies we are in
• the idea that we as humans are distinct and separate from other humans
• the idea that we as humans are distinct from other beings
• the idea that we as human beings are distinct from non-beings
• the idea that life has time frame
• the idea that we go from non being to being and than to non-being
• the idea of birth and death.
• the idea of extremes

Hmmm! It seems so complex and so simple at the same time. The key question I want answered is how does this apply to ending suffering in what many of us refer to as 'real time'? I would like to apply some very lay person and inexpert explanation to all of these, make them practically applicable.

 I want to learn from this so I can teach; to teach from this so I can learn. I want to heal so I can be healed; to be healed so I can heal.  He who needs healing must heal. Physician[therapist, teacher],  heal thyself. Who else is there to heal?  And who else is in need of healing? Each patient who comes to a therapist[teacher, physician, healer] offers him a chance to heal himself. He is therefore his therapist.  And every therapist must learn to heal from each patient who comes to him. He thus becomes his patient. (ACIM:Psychotherapy:2:VII:1:3-11)


Of course, I am not the real teacher here.  Check out the dharma talk below if you want  to hear it from an expert who so eloquently explains what we need to hear that even a big ego like mine is quieted enough for me to hear and understand.

All is well!


References

ACIM(2007) Psychotherapy: Purpose, Process and Practice.  ACIM: Combined Volume. Foundations for Inner Peace.

Thich Nhat Hanh.(May 2012)  Letting Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1Kph9R6y1E

Community Healing Begins with One

Ants, to cite just one example, work unselfishly for the good of the community; we humans sometimes do not look so good by comparison.
-Dalai Lama

After yesterday's entry you may be asking yourself, "How could a person put such personal information about another on a public blog? " That's a reasonable question I suppose and I have asked it of myself.  First of all this blog is not very public lol...my readership is very small and  few who read this will guess at who I am referring to.  Even if they did, does it matter that much? Why do we hide such things from one another?  To keep up some guise as to how humanity should be? To pretend?

Second of all...it truly  isn't just about another, is it?  It is about me and about you.  It is about all of us.

Truth is this individual's situation is very, very common and even universal.  The suffering amongst our youth today is tenfold what it was decades ago.  We need to stop pretending that suffering and mental illness does not exist as frequently and possibly as completely as it does in all of us.  We need to do something about it.  We need to start the healing process and that begin with recognizing and understanding that first noble truth of Buddhism: Suffering Exists! We all need to heal and we all need to help others heal.

So yes I will use this example with the permission of the individual involved. I do so, in hope, that one of you readers out there will recognize a need for healing in yourself or a need to act as healer in the life of some one else.  We all have the potential to heal the world.

How can we begin healing the world?  By being willing to heal ourselves one breath at a time, and then reaching out with a desire to heal another.  First let's talk about what needs to be healed.

All is well

Helping Others

Inner Development is not easy and will take time.
-Dalai Lama

Helping Those Who Do Not Want to Be Helped

Hmmm! I am thinking of those words as I contemplate how to best help someone I love who is suffering a great deal.  I am aware that I am very limited in what I can do, give or offer her especially being that she is a person who confesses that she is resisting getting better. She doesn't know why but she is aware that she  resists  suggestions, attempts, advice in any way it comes to her.  "Maybe you could try this..." is usually followed by a "I can't because..." or "It's too difficult."  and "I know that won't work." My favorite is," My mind won't let me go there."

The Need for Control in Others

 She states that she hates when people tell her what to do.  She admittedly is a 'control freak' with a desire to control all that is going on in her and around her. If someone tells her what to do, i.e. suggests something, she freaks out. One can even see the resistance suddenly twisting her facial muscles and tensing up her body.  She wants complete control over this experience, over every experience.

The problem is, however, that she doesn't have control .  She feels she is losing control of her thoughts and feelings, her daily life experiences and that is freaking her out. So in her desperation she  will ask, "What can I do?"  When one responds with an answer she automatically resists it. Part of her wants help; part of her needs help  but her controlling nature gets in the way.  It's quite the conundrum for her and for those of us who want to help.

I realize that help can sometimes be viewed as the sunny side of control.  So I try to keep my motivation for helping clear and clean.  I simply want her to feel better, for her  to heal. 

Ready to Heal?

Because I see things so differently than I did say ten years ago my approach to healing is so different.  My approach to her is so different.  The thing is, I actually believe she is ready for this new approach and that it may be effective in helping her.  She has been speaking for ages about how it feels like there are two people inside her head...a part of her mind that wants her to suffer and another part that wants more, knows more.  She has already had moments out of the blue in the midst of her suffering that she suddenly felt tremendous peace and appreciation for Life, knowing in some deep core of her being that she had everything she needed to be happy.  There have also been rare moments when I would speak to some of the things I have been learning in my own healing, and  she would say, "Oh My God!  That makes sense.  I see that now."  And her mood would just transform in front of me. These moments were very fleeting but I want to believe they did leave their mark even when ego popped back in to do its nasty shaming, blaming, scaring and depressing. Sigh!

The Thinking

Her ego, her pain body (terminology I may use that she doesn't quite accept yet) is so strong and so ferociously controlling that when it is in charge it seems there is no way of getting to her.  Her thoughts are compulsive and self destructive. In order to distract from them she does what most of us do but to the extreme: She will seek outwardly into the future for her relief...her relief is never in the present moment but in some future moment.  She sets up these expectations for the future that are constantly disappointing her because the moments never turn out the way she felt they should.  She invests so much of her thought energy into creating those mental pictures of how it should be, she gets crushed again and again.


The Feeling

She also represses painful emotions.  She has been through a lot of painful experiences that she didn't deal with emotionally...she just stuffed and stuffed and stuffed in anyway she could.  The intense energy of those emotions are swirling around inside her wanting to emerge but she is fighting that with all she has. It escapes  in gusts of anger, resentment, generalized anxiety, fear, restlessness, boredom and despair. But not the way it should. She hates all these other emotions but she really doesn't want to deal with that source of pain!!

The Behaviour

She numbs to the point of it being a problem. She punishes herself physically and emotionally for not having control because that gives her some control in the midst of the non-control. She is a risk to herself.  Sometimes she doesn't want to go on living. 

So what do I do?

So it is a challenging situation.  I don't want to push against that resistance in my desire to help her.  I am fully aware that it has to be up to her.  She has to be willing and ready to accept the small ( and it is a small amount) that I can offer her. ...simply just a finger pointing in a direction she may or may not be ready or willing to go down.

There are things I can do.  I can:

• Make myself available.  Check in with her a couple of times a day, more frequently on so called 'bad days'
• Recite Thich Nhat Hanh's Mantra either outwardly to her or at least in my head when I am with her, "Darling, I know that you are suffering? That is why I am here for you."  Just validating the suffering is a big step in helping.
• Listen attentively
• Gently probe for more to keep the communication going.  "Darling, am I understanding you in the way you need to be understood?" (Thich Nhat Hanh)
• Offer the learning I have gained in an unobtrusive, gentle way after I am given permission to do so.  I am copulating a list of suggestions that I feel may help from what I learned from my studying of psychology, philosophy, Buddhism, Yoga, theology and science.  At the same time I must monitor and recognize when emergency outside resources are needed.
• Maintain as much safety as possible
• Give options.  Instead of saying you should do this...I could say, "Maybe you could try this, this or this."
• Avoid pushing, arguing and defending
• Stay nonjudgmental removing discerning words like "good' "bad", "right"," or "wrong", "should" or "shouldn't"  from my vocabulary when I am with her
• Be aware of my motivation at all times...it can never be about me being right and her being wrong!. 
• Empower rather than be the one with the power.  Leave the decisions and the work with her.
• Take care of me and continue with my own healing.  It is easy to get "sucked in" to the negative ego of another.  I need to continue working on my own mental construction, my own inner development so that I have more to give away.

Being in Presence

There are things I do and will continue to do but doing is not the biggest objective here, is it? Being is.  If I can maintain that peaceful, calm, reassuring presence for her that acts as a reminder that there is more than just suffering than maybe...maybe just being with her will be enough.   I am hoping.

All is well.

Psychotherapy in brown and orange robes

Spirituality is not about getting something. It is always about giving up something.
-Michael Singer

Psychotherapy in brown and orange robes

I really think the Buddhists should have the market on psychotherapy. Their approach to understanding the mind and the need for healing is phenomenal.  It is simplistic, down to earth and so very, very applicable. The more I study it, the more I realize how we could all benefit if we adopted some of the principles and therapeutic approaches. We all need psychotherapy!

No Need to Convert

I am not saying we should become Buddhist...and from what I gather from watching, listening and learning...this isn't the mandate of the Buddhist teacher either.  They aren't looking to convert more people to Buddhism, they are looking to convert a mentally disturbed world to a peaceful one; monkey minds to still ones, suffering to joy and it doesn't matter if you are Hindu, Muslim or Christian. Buddhism is not in the world to increase the numbers of Buddhists  or  the power  that religion has. In fact, ego recognition, competition and power is  completely the opposite of all Buddhist doctrine.  Buddhism, I believe, is simply there to help heal the world.

A True Teacher/Healer

If you want to see someone who aspires to this sincere and honest  and non discerning role  of Buddhist teacher, watch Thich Nhat Hanh at work. Five minutes listening to him, watching that light in his eyes, feeling warmed by that peaceful smile on his face and hearing the beautiful simplistic wisdom that flows from him like water from a tap will convince you of this. You will feel at peace. He wreaks of the peaceful presence he teaches about.  He walks the walk and talks the talk...How many teachers out there actually do that?

Healing the Mind

The approaches to healing taught are not about religion.  In fact, spirituality isn't about religion is it?  The two  can compliment each other beautifully when the mind is healed.  First we must heal the mind. Buddhism offers practical and effective ways to do so.

Of course the Buddha had a well designed plan for healing which involved a number of steps.(16)  The first eight steps are addressed in a dharma talk entitled Call your Cows by Their True Names. They  were divided into two categories: Body as a portal and Feeling as a portal:

Body Portal

1. Recognizing breath going in and out
2. Following breath as it goes in and out
3. Awareness of body
4. releasing tension in the body

Feeling Portal

     5. Generating Joy
     6. Generating happiness
     7. Recognizing painful feelings
     8. Embracing painful feelings

Mindfulness and Concentration

It was taught by Buddha and his followers that in order to generate joy and happiness or healing we need to be able to be mindful, have the ability to bring ourselves back to the present moment and back into our bodies so we can experience Life fully. Concentrating on what we are doing in the here and now can help us to do that. (First four steps have that covered.)

Next we have to be able to strengthen our emotional reserves before we can entertain and not be destroyed by pain. We need to be able to generate joy and happiness at whim so when the the so called painful emotions we have stuffed begin to rise up we can deal with them effectively.  Effectively means with compassion and patience and tender loving care before we release them. We need mindfulness and  concentration to do this but more importantly we need the ability to let go and to release.

Letting Go

What we cling to in pursuit of joy and happiness often prove to be obstacles that get in our way of finding it.  When we notice suffering in our lives we tend to go after something out there and in the future, don't we? We assume that happiness is in something the future moment offers if we do a certain thing or strive for a certain thing.  We seldom find it that way do we?  The reason for that is that our idea of happiness and our idea of who we are, are obstacles in our way to healing.  If we want healing...want to embrace peace and joy and happiness we must first let go of our ideas that happiness is somewhere out there. We have to get rid of this crazy notion that we are not yet all we can be and that we need to improve by having more, doing more, learning more in order to attain joy and happiness.  We need to let go of that notion that takes us from the here and now so we can settle in the here and now, the only place where peace and joy can exist.  We need to let go of our future projections, our cravings, our clinging, our compulsive doing, our striving, our struggling and also our resistance.

Resistance is what happens when what is happening in the present moment competes with our ideas of what should be happening. If the moment right here and right now doesn't offer what we think it should in order to be happy and joyful we have a tendency to push against it or numb away from it.  We numb from the experience of feeling emotions we erroneously judge as "bad." Stuffing these down the way we do, does not make them go away.  We just cling to them more and they may get stronger. Our suffering increases with resistance and struggle.  We need to release and let go of that.

Healing Begins with a Breath

Healing, in the spiritual way then, involves many things but most importantly it involves a letting go so that we can eventually learn to accept, embrace and compassionately release our suffering. How does all this begin? With a breath...with a breath.  How more simpler can it get than that?

All is well in my world.


Desire cannot be fulfilled. Moreover, when you are desiring, desiring, desiring, you face many obstacles, disappointments, unhappiness, and difficulties.  Great desire not only knows no end but also itself creates trouble.
-Dalai Lama (quote for Tuesday, February 5)

References

Thich Nhat Hanh (Sept, 2011) Calling Your Cows by Their True Names. Plum Village online.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8pFAjQpTKY

The more time you spend thinking about yourself, the more suffering you will experience.
-Dalai Lama


Probably chose the wrong pic to represent my point lol.  D. is not a man who spends a lot of time thinking about himself nor is he a man who suffers a lot of mental unease.  But he is alone and it is seasonal...so that's my rationalization.

Anyway...I digress. I love what the Dalai Lama says here in this simple statement.  The more we think of the little me and all its tales of woe, the more we stay trapped in what the Buddhist refer to as the  discerning mind. Discerning minds are not quiet minds...they are noisy monkey minds that never settle.  They tell us that so many things that are happening to us, around us and in us are problems. So we constantly feel anxious, angry, frustrated or sad. So if he are constantly thinking about little me and its so called problems, we will suffer.

I like what Michael singer tells us, What you call a problem, someone else calls grace. Let's think about those who see grace in what we see as trouble.  "So many people need it more" , my father would often say as he gave away what he had.  By thinking of others we can rise above our selfish little egos and participate in this amazing dance called life. We can actually be happier.  

There is an end to suffering.  That end comes when we get beyond the limitations of 'little me'

All is well in my world.

Compassionate listening/healing

Compassionate listening is to help the other side suffer less.
Thich Nhat Hanh (https://plumvillage.org/news/thich-nhat-hanh-shares-secrets-to-peaceful-mind/)

I have been thinking about helping, right? Serving...doing my small part to reach out and end or at least diminish the sense of suffering in others.  I am not sure what that makes me ...other than crazier than a bag of hammers in many people's eyes lol (delusions of grandeur)...but it is what I want to do. In most sections of A Course it is referred to as being a teacher and in the later section a psychotherapist. 

It is said in the section entitled, Psychotherapy: Purpose, Process and Practice that : Psychotherapy is the only form of therapy there is.  Since only the mind can be sick, only the mind can be healed.  Only the mind is in need of healing. (ACIM: Psychotherapy: Intro:1:1-3) 

Though I do not walk away with a full understanding of A Course, even after my third time through it, nor do I adhere to all its teachings in exactly the way it was taught...I get this.  I do believe this.  I believe that the source of all our problems, all our suffering, is in the mind with how we think.

In fact, I always believed this to some extent and that is probably why I was thinking of psychology way back when I was in high school, why nursing didn't really fit, teaching did and why I have tried a couple times over the course of my life to turn my compass in this direction.  Life circumstances showed up to slow me down probably because I wasn't completely ready.  I was missing an important ingredient to seeing clearly therefore greatly limited  in my capacity to help.  I myself was still not completely clear.  I am still not as clear as I can be but I am on the right path thanks to my little journey to awakening. Now with this level of understanding I am developing, I might be ready to start helping others. I mean truly helping.

So I ran across a beautiful little dharma talk from Thich Nhat Hanh today that explained how we can best teach, best help others to transcend suffering. We can do this through a process of understanding.  Understanding and assistance with healing evolves through the following steps:

1. Understanding Self and Recognizing Own Need for Healing: Of course, to assist someone else in their healing by understanding them,  we first have to understand our selves and be in a place where we are healed, healing or at least very willing to. He [the specialized teacher/psychotherapist] learns through teaching, and the more advanced he is the more he teaches and the more he learns. But whatever stage he is in, there are patients who need him just that way.  They can not take more than he can give for now.  Yet both will find sanity at last.(ACIM:Psycho:2:I:4:4-7)
2. Understanding the nature of suffering. Suffering is of the mind and involves how we do not see a way out.  May people who suffer have their own idea of what happiness is and if they  do not get what they  think will make them happy, they often shut down other avenues.  We help when we show that there are other ways to end suffering.
3. Developing The Four Unlimited Qualities: Maître, Karuna, Medita, and Upeksha. (Hanh)

•  Maitre, according to Thich Nhat Hanh, has been loosely and somewhat incorrectly translated to mean 'loving-kindness'.  He prefers the translation of 'friendliness and 'brotherhood' so that we do not mistaken it with 'attachment.' Yes we love and we are kind but we do so in a way where we respect our own freedom and that of the person we are wishing to help. If we are not free( trapped by attachment needs) we can not help others.
• Karuna is the capacity to truly see and understand the suffering in another without getting lost in that  suffering.  When we can do that, we can help the person transcend their suffering.  Hahn uses an example of the physician. When a person presents with a series of signs and symptoms, the physician is able to help the patient by objectively determining the cause of suffering and then prescribing measures to relieve it.  If she became lost in the suffering of the individual she would not be able to remain objective enough to prescribe treatment in a healthy way. His use of Karuna allows him to be truly helpful.  He also went on to say that if the Buddha spent all his time crying with those who were suffering he would not have had  the time to truly help them. This takes us back then to the difference between pity/sympathy and empathy or compassion. Karuna is helpful compassion.
• Medita refers to a joyful approach we take to teh other person who is suffering.  I know it sounds ironic.  When we are suffering the last thing we want is someone to come to us with a big smile on their face and laughter in their tone as we relay our so called 'problems'. Here we, as teachers and therapists,  learn to use what Hanh calls empathetic joy.  We do not lose our own joy in the other person's suffering because we know our joy comes from understanding what the other has yet to understand, that suffering is unnecessary.  We see the resolution, the outcome a change of perception will lead to.  We see that the person's so called misery is a result of perception only.  Perceptions of this idea they have of themselves  we know can be changed. Psychotherapy is a process that changes the view of the self.  At best the "new' self is a more beneficent self-concept..." (ACIM:Pschcho:2.Intro:1:1-2)
• And finally Upeksha is equanimity and inclusiveness in our approach to all.  We do not discriminate or judge as we seek to help all who may need our help. We see our Self in the other.

 4.We help ourselves and the other to let go of this idea of happiness we/they may still cling to knowing, however, that they may be resistant to letting go. Their idea of happiness involves what they see as themselves and there may be a need there to defend and protect it.  What they seek from healing in the beginning may not be what we have learned to see as helpful. He wants to make the vulnerable invulnerable and the limited limitless. (ACIM:Psycho:2:Intro:3:5) Letting go is a process. We have to also ensure that we have let go before we help someone else to.

5. Patience with the process. Readiness and a willingness to let go of old beliefs is essential. So we have to understand the nature of resistance and be patient until the person is willing and ready to get better. ...no one learns beyond his own readiness. (ACIM:Psycho:2:I:1:3)

Hmm!  that is a lot to think about. 

It's all good.  All is well in my world

References

ACIM: Psychotherapy: A Course in Miracles; Combined Volume. Foundations for Inner Peace

Thich Nhat Hanh,(November 25, 2004) Love and Happiness.  Dharma Talk.  Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtPqonJJP_o&vl=en

Our thought is like water running in every direction.  But just as water, when channelized, becomes powerful, so it is with our minds.
-Dalai Lama

 

 

Respond

Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.
Lou Holtz (Brainy Quote)

Yeah it continues...and yeah I did something about it. I went for help so now I wait.  I figure my part is done lol...What is done next and the outcome of which is not up to me so I can relax into this.  Relax!  That is what I have to do...what we all have to do when it comes to Life, isn't it?  Relax into it.

My entries of late seem very narcissistic, I know.  They were all about me and my pain experience.  Though I would be lying if I said ego wasn't getting anything out of this sharing here lol...it really is about something bigger.  I see learning and therefore a teaching opportunity in it. (In fact...I see learning in absolutely everything these days.)  That's why I share.  Or at least that is what Redeemer ego tells me lol.

We all experience pain, illness, suffering in our lives , do we not? We have little control over what we are given, at least at the level we have come to see as our physical reality.  What we do have control over, though, is how we deal with it.  Do we react to life circumstances, including pain, with fear, resistance, struggle and a host of defense mechanisms that take us away from feeling and living the experience fully?  Or do we respond with openness, acceptance, curiosity, a willingness to learn and grow?

I am learning, albeit slowly and far from gracefully, to take the second option and I must say it is an easier one. I want to share that learning with you.

All is well in my world.

Take care of the body

Take care of your body.  It is the only place you have to live.
-Jim Rohn

Day 22 for the pain; day 20 for the more objective symptoms (signs, I guess). I might see if I can get into see someone tonight or tomorrow. I know I have to 'do' something.   

Doing is sometimes necessary

In my desire to sit and be, I  hope I haven't given the impression that 'doing' is never necessary. There are many times in Life when action is required. I also hope I did not imply that the body is not something we have to take care of.  It isn't as significant as many of us think it is, but it is a wonderful, miraculous vehicle that allows us to do what we are here to do: Experience Life and communicate that experience with one another.  We need to respect it and honor it for that reason.  So we do, on occasion, need to do something to take care of the body. The doing, however, has to be conscious and inspired doing rather than unconscious and reactive.

Reactive Doing

Reactive doing is ego based action done out of fear and resistance to what is happening in the present moment. It involves denying, projecting, blaming, acting out against someone or self, numbing, avoiding, attacking or defending. It is counterproductive to true healing.

Well as soon as I experienced the pain 22 days ago I could have panicked.  I could have got lost in what my mind wanted to say about it, dwelling on the worse case scenario.  I could have been consumed by it. Without questioning, I could have reverted back to old dependency needs and belief systems that's said that only someone or something outside me can fix this. I could have rushed off to the nearest emergency room and said, "Do something about this or at least tell me what it is."  Considering my past history, that would not have been all that productive.  The pain would have likely been dismissed and the other symptoms diminished. I would have mentally owned that causing more shame, more tension and eventually more pain.  I may have been told to 'wait and see'. I would not go back a second time. I would have reacted from ego, not the deeper part of Self.

The doing that we can do without...is the reactive doing.

Inspired doing

Inspired doing is the action that comes form a higher guidance.  The deeper part of Self directs it and it takes us towards real healing with forgiveness, acceptance and peace.

By sitting with the pain for a bit and not 'doing' anything but watching it from that calm space, getting to know it, accepting and allowing it I was freed of the resistance and the  fear.  My mind was clearer.  My body wasn't ruling.  My decision to wait and see seemed justified.  I knew in my heart it wasn't going to matter if I waited one week or three, so I allowed myself that time to become somewhat 'friendly' with what was happening. I had time to remove story, drama and narration from the physical experience so that I could see clearly.  I determined what I had the power to do  about it and asked the question: "Is medicine really necessary?  Do I have to seek outside myself for a solution? " The longer the signs and symptoms persisted I realized that it would be a good idea to get it checked out by a body mechanic. 

So I go with a calm mind, confidence that my symptomology is worthy of consideration, and with a willingness to accept whatever it is for being what it is. That is inspired doing.

That doesn't mean you should wait 22 days

I waited because I had a good understanding what was happening and what the risks were.  I kind of triaged myself.  If you are not sure, however, don't wait.  Pain, remember, is a way your body communicates with you...it tells you that there is something going on inside be it physical or something else. Listen!  Of course, you don't have to listen for 22 days lol.

Medicine can play a beneficial role

Sometimes I read what I write and think I sound like A Christian Scientist.  I am not.  A Course has some similar ideologies but I don't adhere to all those either.  I just truly believe we are responsible for our bodies and if we control the mind somehow, we will effect the way our bodies function.  We are responsible for our own  health. Medicine is not the only way to heal. I do think, however, it and other health professions can play an important role in helping us to do so.

It's all good.  All is well in my world.

Mind Moves the Body

The mind moves the body, and the body follows the mind. Logically, negative thought patterns harm not only the mind but the body.
H.E. Davey; Japanese Yoga: The Way of Dynamic Meditation

Day 21 for pain, 19 for other symptoms.

I looked back on the history of this pain today.  It first became quite noisy in the spring-summer of 2017. (I could have sworn it was only months ago...time does go faster as one ages  lol).  I had many of the same symptoms with it then that I do now. It wasn't as intense or as persistent but it was the same thing.  The cluster of symptoms that came with it scared me and I will be honest, I feared the worse.

I had an ultrasound done around that time that revealed a small but not tiny ovarian cyst which was later after a repeat ultrasound(three months later by another gyne I was referred to) called a predominant follicle, even though it had doubled in size.  I was assured it would go away when menopause kicked in. I was absolutely fine with that opinion and I eagerly anticipated the big day, gladly willing to put up with the symptoms. (Don't get me wrong: Though, I have learned to embrace the pain when I get it,  I am not at the point  where I  call it up and invite it over.  I can do without that type of company lol).

I was told that the ultrasound would be repeated in a year. I was shocked to realize today, it has been over a year and a half.

My mind is now jumping in here to build story, to put pieces together, to question, to assume, to speculate and to catastrophize the way it does. What if I am in menopause and have been since the beginning of my symptoms? Then this is not as benign as it looks. What if, what if, what if? 

Man the mind can be noisy lol. I know what the worse case scenario could be and all my symptoms do point that way...but...that doesn't mean that it is what it is.  In fact...it is unlikely because people don't live one and a half years with that possibility. I know that too.  But mind likes to stir up fear and drama doesn't it? If it is going to be something ...it plots...it has to be the biggest something out there. Body reacts.

What does this do to the pain itself? Well my body tenses up in response to the fear response being activated (good old fight, flight and freeze) and with muscle tension comes more pain. With the pain...the other symptoms and more muscle tension...and the body is  activated in a chronic cycle leading to fatigue.  We are sick in the mind, more so than in the body. The body responds to the mind. ...not the other way around.

So, though I do need to suck it up and go get this checked out (have been avoiding for all kinds of reasons), my major goal  has to be in settling the mind...freeing the experience from the mental chatter that surrounds it. This does not have to cause a fear response.  I can work on that.  :)

All is well.

What brings you here?

Life as you well know is a continuous succession: it's great, it's lousy, it's agreeable, it's disagreeable; it's joyous and  blissful, and other times, it's sad.  And being with that, being with this continual succession of  agreeable and disagreeable with an open spirit, open heart, and open mind, that's why I sit to meditate.
Pema Chodron (from How to Meditate, Sounds True, 2013)

What brings you here?

What brings you here to this point in your life where you may be seeking more through a practice of reconstructing the mind?

Maybe you are looking for  "more" and as promised by some fields of thought out there you believe you can change your external life by thinking about what you want during meditation?  Is your goal to change the externals in your life...have more wealth, more stuff, more health, more love in the form of a special relationship  or more knowledge?  Is it a desire for more that brings you here?

Are you here because you want to feel better emotionally?  Are you sick of feeling sad, angry, or anxious and you believe meditation will make all those feelings go away?

Are you wanting to put an end to thinking...to quiet that monkey mind and be free of its ceaseless chattering once and for all?  Is it your goal to "stop' or "control" thinking?

Are you looking for a continued state of  peace or well being or something other than this one? Maybe you see meditation as a way to relax and de-stress?

Is it a desire to end your own suffering once and for all? Have you reached a wall and finally realize that the only way out is through?

Maybe , if you said yes to any of the above, you will find what you are looking for through mindfulness and meditation or maybe you won't.

What I learned

As a person who came to the practice with a all of these ambitions at one time or another, I have discovered a thing or two. 

• Suffering did not go away with meditation practice.  I became, in fact, even more acutely aware of suffering all around me and in me.  It didn't go away.  I realize it isn't going to. Suffering is apart of life. All beings suffer.
• I didn't get "more" favorable life circumstances.  :)  In fact, when it comes to worldly things, I lost big time. My external challenges did not dissipate in terms of number and intensity...they multiplied. My life circumstances did not change for the better even though my experience of Life did.
• I didn't find this elusive "happiness" we all tend to seek. I found a lot of 'yucky!' Many of the 'difficult' emotions I had stuffed under the surface popped up for me to deal with and there are still plenty more down there. Joy and bliss are fleeting to say the least.
• I did not control or stop my thinking...far from it.  My thoughts are still bumping around up in my head though the spaces between 'thinking' are getting longer (and I like mean in fractions of a msc).  I realize that the mind is not going to magically stop doing what is natural for it to do no matter how many times I pop a squat on my cushion.
• Though I have moments of pure contentment and peace they are fleeting.  I have not experienced a long  continual stretch of joy in a long time. I still feel anxious at times, angry or upset. As far as well being, my body seems to be falling a part lol.  I have less of an experience of 'stress' though.
• The wall is at my back ...yes...and I finally know that if I do not want to be crushed, I have to go through suffering.  Meditation offers me a way through and I am taking my first  baby steps.  It is not a speedy process.  And it is not an easy one.

So my original  goals for meditation and mindfulness practice have not been fulfilled.  they may never be. They may be for you though.  Who knows? 

Modified Goals

What I have done with my goals, however, is change them. 

What I seek from meditation now is merely an opportunity to make peace with the present moment, to connect with the Life in me and around me and to live from that place. That means developing a willingness to openly accept all the moment offers: the circumstances, all emotions, my thoughts, states  of less than well being, and even suffering. I am learning to allow it into my experience. I open my heart to it. I stay with it and I learn from it.

That's my reason for being here.

All is well.

Use the body In the service of others

If you shift your focus from oneself to others, and think more about others' well being and welfare, it has an immediate, liberating effect.
-Dalai Lama

What We Use the Body for

The central lesson is this; that what you use the body for it will become to you....The mind makes this decision, as it makes all decisions that are responsible for the body's condition.
ACIM:TM:12:5:1,7

Day 18 for the pain, day 16 for the other stuff that goes with it.  I would like to say that I staid nice and peaceful over the last 48 with it but that wouldn't be true.  Ego stepped in at some point and there I was, once again, building story around it  and  resistance against it. Sigh! 

I even, after an intense patch, slipped behind the computer and typed in what my mind has diagnosed it as. You know how the mind is...loving the drama and the gore...it chooses the worse case scenario lol. I thought for some reason I would get something from doing that...some dramatic self recognition as tragic heroine? My identification with story only  led to a long projection into my future which suddenly became very limited.  I caught myself before I read too much and walked away. I carried fear with me.

I did want to distract from the pain though and from what my mind was saying about it. Tylenol was no longer doing the trick.Unfortunately, I couldn't "do" to distract because that just increases the symptoms...so I didn't have my normal egoic means of coping to fall back on.  I couldn't really meditate unless I meditated on the pain itself and one can only do that so much lol.  Yoga, my go to for bringing me back from my head to my body...was also a no-no...that makes matters a little worse. So it was like...what do I do?  Didn't I have to "do' something about it?

The Body's Function is to allow for Teaching and Learning

Then I read the above and these line from ACIM:

As they advance in their profession, they[the teachers] become more and more certain that the body's function is but to let God's Voice speak through it to human ears.
ACIM:TM:12:4:2


It was like wow!  It all suddenly made sense. I don't have to do anything but accept what my body is and what it is doing.

 My body is just that...a vehicle and a means for me to communicate my learning through.  My function is just to remind people, including myself, that we are more than this...what we see.  The only way people will hear this truth, the only way I heard it, is through another body or the work of another body.  I need, you need, another body to speak the words, write the message, express the thoughts and point in a certain direction. We need a body for that. And when we are ready...and only when we are ready we hear the teacher and  begin to learn and understand that we are so much more than these bodies that the teaching and learning come through. The bodies are only teaching and learning tools.

They are not us and they are not all that significant.  Therefore what they are experiencing is also pretty insignificant. This Life is not all about 'little me'.  "Little me" clings to the body and insists it functions a certain way so it remains separate and protected from harm.  The greater "I", however, sees the body as nothing more than a means to teach and to learn.  It sees no separation and no need for defence or attack. It doesn't place a lot of significance on the body so it doesn't see 'sickness' and 'death' in the same way little me sees it.

Sickness is Impossible?

It realizes:

Because it [the body] is holy it cannot be sick, nor can it die.  When its usefulness is done it is laid by, and that is all. ...God's Voice will tell him when he has fulfilled his role, just as It tells him what his function is.  He does not suffer in either going or remaining.  Sickness is now impossible to him. ACIM:TM:12:5:5-6,10-11

That doesn't mean the body won't be injured, invaded by organisms or quickly growing cells at times our minds are forgetting what they are here to do.  It doesn't mean that there isn't a life span with a generalized expiration date for the human form. It just means that as long as we are aware that we are here to perform a function and we are performing that function the body will carry us through until we have done what we are here to do.  Letting go and trusting that brings peace.

We don't decide

We don't decide when it has been fulfilled, God does.  Out of fear and a belief in separation from God...we may adopt a false sense of separation and the body may be negatively impacted it by it.  But if we are aware and seeing clearly, we will fulfill our purpose.  There is no way that we can't.

So when we are done what we are here to do...the body will be gently 'laid by'. There is no suffering 'going or remaining'. Once we get to that point of our understanding...we don't fear what the ego  labels as death.  We see that our function has been fulfilled and it is time to go. There is no clinging, or fighting to hang on or holding back.  Imagine being at that point?

Anyway...reading this section soothed me and helped to ease a lot of fear about what this may or may not be.  I don't know and I won't know until I seek a medical diagnosis.  I may get a favorable medical diagnosis in the physical world sense and I may get an unfavorable one.  I don't know.  I just know that it isn't up to little me.  :)   I can find some peace in that.

So what did I do

So I decided after feeling a certain letting go to get beyond myself. I concentrated on others...after all that is what we are here for.  I spent 10 hours helping my daughter with her chemistry.  Believe me ...Ideal gas equations are much more painful than anything the body can do to us. I distracted from my pain by helping and thinking about someone other than myself....it worked.

All is well in my world.

Pain is Life

Whatever is here is Life.
-Eckhart Tolle

I like to hear that when I go into my 16th day with this pain that ebbs and flows in intensity as so many so called 'problems' do. I like to think that the challenge is helping me to evolve to get deeper into my understanding of what is really important.  I do like to see how much I have actually grown in this area.

The Old Way of Dealing With Pain

There was a time when I would have been pretty freaked out by the pain (and the other symptoms that are taking place with it).  I would spend my time resisting it...shouting out, "Why are you doing this to me now? On top of everything else you have to lay this on me!  Haven't I got enough to deal with?"

I would have tensed up when it increased in intensity resisting it physically as well as mentally.  I would have curled up in a ball.  I would have paced (okay I do pace a bit when the intensity increases lol).  I would have moaned and groaned.

I would have denied what my rational mind and knowledge base  was saying about it.  I would over dramatize it when I could deny no longer.  I would have created a lot of story around it, a lot of "Oh no...this could be really, really bad! But I am stuck with it...look what I have been  through before when I tried to get help for pain...I can't go through that again. I won't get help for this so why bother."

I would have made an enemy of this pain, struggling and fighting against it.  I would therefore have been pushing against  each  moment I experienced the pain in or I would have  been waiting impatiently for that moment to be over. By so doing I would have made an enemy, not only out of it, but out of Life. Because whatever is here...is Life.  Pain is here in this moment.  Pain is Life.

It just is

The pain is.  It is a part of my moment and a part of my life.  I know that it, in itself, is not a problem.  I make it a problem when I resist it. So I am not resisting it.

When we allow pain into our experience, be it physical or emotional, we deal with it a lot differently than we would if we resist it. We open up to it and we can learn from it.

Become friendly with the 'isness' of whatever it is that is arising in the present moment instead of internally arguing with it, complaining about it, denying it, mentally projecting yourself elsewhere or getting very unhappy about it. (Tolle, Aging Consciously, 2019)

Pain can bring us closer to that place of true understanding the exists beyond the physicality of things.  Physical pain, when it gets intense,  can do this because it is so physical.  It is often hard to deny its presence or to think beyond it when it hits the 8 or 9 on the pain scale. The body can become loud. It is then we must do two things if we want to deal with it consciously: overcome it or transcend it.

Overcoming Pain

We can overcome it to some degree (or at least diminish its intensity) by relaxing into it as much as possible.  Once we stop resisting it ( resistance  is where most of the tension comes from) and just accept it into our moment, we relax a bit.  Once we exchange the thought:"This shouldn't be happening" for ... "It should be happening because it is."...the struggle ceases to overwhelm us and we are just left with the pain.  Pain without struggle and without thought is a lot easier to deal with than pain wrapped in tension and resistance.  Pain may actually go away. We can over come.

Transcending Pain

We can also transcend pain.  When we transcend physical pain, we may not necessarily stop pain from making its noise within our bodies but we find a way to detach from  the  noise of the body and the chatter the mind makes about it.  Very advanced yogis do this all the time: They are able to meditate for hours in the freezing cold, able to lay on a bed of nails, walk through burning coals, go days without eating or drinking.  It can be done...Even in the secular sense people can be anesthetized without a drop of anesthetic through something called "White Glove Anesthesia". 

Though I am certainly not there...I intend to hit the Tylenol big time when it gets bad or go running for help if it gets any worse...it is hopeful to note that it can be done.  We can actually transcend pain by using that higher part of ourselves.

Still  May Need Help

I am not suggesting by any means that we ignore our pain and suck it all up.  Pain is often an urgent communication from the body that something needs to be looked at.  On the esoteric level...sure it may have deeper significance...but on the physical level, where  most of us still are, it is a cry that needs to heard.

 My new understanding of things is not making me stupid lol...I know that pain is my body's way of being heard. Something is going on in there. I know I am far from Yogi status.  I am listening and will do something about it. I will seek help .  I won't run in a panic but I will gradually make my way there.

In the mean time, I will learn and I will teach.  That is why I share this experience with you.  Pain offers an amazing teaching and learning tool for all of us, regardless of where we are in this process of waking up.

Need to See Things Differently

We need to look at the world differently.  Pain is a part of that world.  We cannot stop pain from entering our lives but we can change the way we look at it and the world at large.

What the world [pain] is, is but a fact.  You cannot choose what this should be. But you can choose how you would see it.  Indeed, you must choose this. ACIM:TM:11:1:9-11

All is well.