What brings you here?

Life as you well know is a continuous succession: it's great, it's lousy, it's agreeable, it's disagreeable; it's joyous and  blissful, and other times, it's sad.  And being with that, being with this continual succession of  agreeable and disagreeable with an open spirit, open heart, and open mind, that's why I sit to meditate.
Pema Chodron (from How to Meditate, Sounds True, 2013)

What brings you here?

What brings you here to this point in your life where you may be seeking more through a practice of reconstructing the mind?

Maybe you are looking for  "more" and as promised by some fields of thought out there you believe you can change your external life by thinking about what you want during meditation?  Is your goal to change the externals in your life...have more wealth, more stuff, more health, more love in the form of a special relationship  or more knowledge?  Is it a desire for more that brings you here?

Are you here because you want to feel better emotionally?  Are you sick of feeling sad, angry, or anxious and you believe meditation will make all those feelings go away?

Are you wanting to put an end to thinking...to quiet that monkey mind and be free of its ceaseless chattering once and for all?  Is it your goal to "stop' or "control" thinking?

Are you looking for a continued state of  peace or well being or something other than this one? Maybe you see meditation as a way to relax and de-stress?

Is it a desire to end your own suffering once and for all? Have you reached a wall and finally realize that the only way out is through?

Maybe , if you said yes to any of the above, you will find what you are looking for through mindfulness and meditation or maybe you won't.

What I learned

As a person who came to the practice with a all of these ambitions at one time or another, I have discovered a thing or two. 

• Suffering did not go away with meditation practice.  I became, in fact, even more acutely aware of suffering all around me and in me.  It didn't go away.  I realize it isn't going to. Suffering is apart of life. All beings suffer.
• I didn't get "more" favorable life circumstances.  :)  In fact, when it comes to worldly things, I lost big time. My external challenges did not dissipate in terms of number and intensity...they multiplied. My life circumstances did not change for the better even though my experience of Life did.
• I didn't find this elusive "happiness" we all tend to seek. I found a lot of 'yucky!' Many of the 'difficult' emotions I had stuffed under the surface popped up for me to deal with and there are still plenty more down there. Joy and bliss are fleeting to say the least.
• I did not control or stop my thinking...far from it.  My thoughts are still bumping around up in my head though the spaces between 'thinking' are getting longer (and I like mean in fractions of a msc).  I realize that the mind is not going to magically stop doing what is natural for it to do no matter how many times I pop a squat on my cushion.
• Though I have moments of pure contentment and peace they are fleeting.  I have not experienced a long  continual stretch of joy in a long time. I still feel anxious at times, angry or upset. As far as well being, my body seems to be falling a part lol.  I have less of an experience of 'stress' though.
• The wall is at my back ...yes...and I finally know that if I do not want to be crushed, I have to go through suffering.  Meditation offers me a way through and I am taking my first  baby steps.  It is not a speedy process.  And it is not an easy one.

So my original  goals for meditation and mindfulness practice have not been fulfilled.  they may never be. They may be for you though.  Who knows? 

Modified Goals

What I have done with my goals, however, is change them. 

What I seek from meditation now is merely an opportunity to make peace with the present moment, to connect with the Life in me and around me and to live from that place. That means developing a willingness to openly accept all the moment offers: the circumstances, all emotions, my thoughts, states  of less than well being, and even suffering. I am learning to allow it into my experience. I open my heart to it. I stay with it and I learn from it.

That's my reason for being here.

All is well.