Any love or compassion which entails looking down on the other is not genuine compassion.
-Dalai Lama
That is a lovely and perplexing piece of insight to think about as the season of 'charitable giving' passes. We have all given to the 'less fortunate' haven't we this season, or at some point in our lives? We have done so with great fanfare maybe or with a hint of grandiosity? We probably genuinely wanted to help someone, somewhere but our desire to offer loving kindness to the particular group we had chosen was likely done because we perceived them...through pity, more so than compassion.
What's the difference?
Well according to the Dana Paramita of Buddhism, which is the most important perfection to be practiced, there is a big difference between true generosity or true compassionate giving and offerings made from a place of pity. Pity is even said to be the near enemy of compassion.(Pema Chodron)
You see...compassion comes from a state of equanimity...of seeing all human beings as equal...ourselves no better or no worse than someone else, it comes from a place of understanding that the value of a human being has nothing to do with what they own, where or how they live. True giving nature looks beyond all that. It touches on the reality that my brother's suffering is my suffering.
Pity on the other hand involves a certain discreet sense of superiority. We "look down" at those who we label as "less fortunate" , "poor", "destitute", or "pitiful". Our eyes are half closed as we look down at them because we truly do not want to see them clearly. We do not want to see ourselves in them.
We push them and their suffering away from us to some degree when we pity them. We create a separation between us and 'them' or me and you. We also say we give to others in difficult situations because we feel grateful for what we own...but if you are basing your giving on what others don't have that you do...that is a focus on the "less than" of someone else, on comparison, and on anything but equanimity. It's pity.
Guess what? Pity for others is a selfish thing. It makes us feel good. Yep...true pity...makes us feel good. Through pity, our ego reminds us we are not the object of our pity... that we, in comparison, have more and are better off. It reminds us, falsely, that we are better in some way....special. Pity separates, compares, protects and "self" preserves...it is not true giving.
Say what? If we are giving to someone who needs it, how can it be wrong?
Well I think we first have to look at giving and what it really means. Paramitas are rules or directions for those following the path of Buddha to perfect in themselves so as to empty the mind and open the heart. Few of us will seek Buddhahood but even in the secular sense there is so much wisdom for humanity to follow in this practice of becoming a better human being. The first paramita is based on the concept of generosity and offering loving kindness to others. It is said that this is the first step because it opens the door to the other steps: Morality, patience, energy, meditation and wisdom. We can not advance in our understanding of truth until we open our hearts in this way. We have to give with a sincere desire to benefit others without expectation of reward or recognition....without any selfishness attached.
What we tend to do, when we allow ego to direct our giving, is to make sure others know we have given. We might tell others about our charitable acts; we might expect a certain recognition or praise for doing so. We may expect something back
Even when we are not actively making it known to others that we gave...we may still seek some reward. We may seek the relief of guilt we are feeling about our over indulgence in material gain, about our life situation or to simply feel better. Heck ...giving feels good doesn't it?
So we shouldn't give??
I am not by any means saying we shouldn't give to those with less. Give, give, give as much as you can but for your own benefit and the benefit of the world at large, be aware of the motivation behind your giving, be aware of what ego is telling you, be aware of your labels and judgments.
Open your eyes and see yourself in the other. Open your heart and free your giving from any judgment or condition. Give from an open compassionate heart, not one constricted and shriveled with pity. You will benefit from this receiving more than you could ever give.
All is well in my world.
References
Chodron, Pema (2017) The Joy to do What Helps Us. Retrieved:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXefqcibq-E
O'Brien, B. ( July 2017) The six perfections of Mahayana Buddhism. From Thought Co. Retrieved https://www.thoughtco.com/the-six-perfections-449611
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