God's Handwriting

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting. 
-Ralph Waldo Emerson (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/beautiful)

f/8; 1/100; ISO-100; 56 mm

It is because of those words above that I feel drawn to photography.  I want to capture and translate God's handwriting. 

 

Of course, in this above photo I broke every rule there is about photography lol.  I shot a landscape in portrait frame; my horizon is in the top third of the frame rather than the bottom third; my ISO should have been higher because it was so cloudy out and I shot it going 90-100 Klicks an hour lol.  Still I see God's penmanship in this photo...so I like it.  (Ego wants me to point out that I even got some cool diagonal zigzagging lines taking the eyes across and up the frame and that should excuse the high horizon line. lol)

 

 

I may have done an okay job with the photography (have about 100 acceptable shots) but God's pen did a wonderful job putting cursive on the Island.  The landscape and its contrasting colours  is absolutely breathtaking.

 

Anyway, all is well.



The Heroe's Journey Home

Your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again.
-Joseph Campbell

Monomyth?

I am fascinated with the wisdom of Joseph Campbell.  I have been watching him on Netflix, in a series of interviews with Bill Moyers, Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth. It is amazing to watch this wise "legend" speak and share what he has learned from studying mythology all over the world. It doesn't matter if the myth is based on Hinduism or Catholicism ...it all connects somehow. All myth shows the hero's ( you and I) journey home.  It emphasizes the mystical beneath the  practical, the invisible support system beneath the visible. It takes us "home" to who we really are.

Going Home?

I open up to ACIM today and the first line I read in Lesson 182 is , "This world you seem to live in is not home to you." In all myth, is that not the hero's primary quest?  To find home or return home after a great adventure in some strange  and foreign land? In all religion, is the  primary quest for us to return to a place where we find our Self be it heaven, or Nirvana.  This place is sacred...our search is sacred. Is it not?

Where is home?

Where is home?  What is home? Where is the hero going and what is he seeking?  Ultimately what the hero longs for is inner awareness, enlightenment and peace.  He struggles in the "darkest and most inner cave" to find "atonement" and this awareness so he can bring it back to others. Campbell often refers to the story of the Buddha and the ancient Yogic  teachings to explain this.  The hero's journey, though written in metaphor a world lost in physicality can understand, is an inner one.  The battling and struggling to overcome obstacles occurs in the "the cave".  That cave is the mind. It is in the mind the hero goes, it is the mind the hero learns to over come and it is this mental control the hero brings back to others .

"All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells are  within you." Joseph Campbell.  That in many western religions would be considered blasphemous?  Why?  Because we over identify and get stuck on the"metaphor"...the words, the visual images, the "idea"  that religious mythology is using as a pointer to experiencing the journey of life.

How Do We Get There?

So really, how do we undertake the hero's journey? We  first must be  willing to set our own path...be willing listen to the Voice within, to what lies beyond the visible veil we have over identified with.  We seek to get past our ego and "mental modifications".  We become still and find the Heaven within.

When you are still an instant, when the world recedes from you, when valueless ideas cease to have value in your restless mind, then will you hear His Voice.
-ACIM,W-182: 8:1

Then we experience life in a way that can not be understood or explained with words or images. Once we experience that, we bring it back to others. Basically Joseph Campbell's explanation of myth echoes the teachings of a ACIM.

Wow!  There is so much whirling around in my head right now, I cannot adequately put it down.  so I will end here.

All is well in my world.

Lessons from a Fox

The fox changes his fur but not his habits.
-anonymous

I beg to differ with this quote.


Where we stayed on our night away...there was a fox.  She came out of nowhere by herself , all shabby and unkempt, going against her natural inclination to flee and hide...looking for something from us.   It was a desperate act.  We had ice-cream cones...and I would not recommend feeding any wild animal ice cream or any junk food...but it is what we had and she looked hungry.  It was obvious by how close she got that she was somehow humanized and would not be chasing down any small rabbits to feed the fam' that night. She was living off the crap people fed her.  

 

So we gave her a piece and she just sat there and silently called out to the bush.  That is when the first kit came and we watched as it picked up the ice-cream and walked away. Though she looked like she was in desperate need for food...she was only looking for her kids sake. She did what she could to find food for her kits, even if it was uncomfortable for her. She sacrificed self for litter.


When we saw the three other kits later on, my heart broke.  D. and I rushed off to the grocery store to buy fresh meat ( the closest thing to her natural diet we could think to get for her). We laid it out, in hope she would find it.  It was gone in the morning so, as meager as the  offering was, hopefully she and her children got at least one good feed of protein. We also discovered that she lived under the deck of a nearby cabin. She is living in man's world, dependent on man in all his unpredictable and unconscious behaviours to provide for her and her family.

 I somehow connected with this fox, seen myself in her some how. Not that I deserve any rewards for martyrdom as she seemed too.  I just have been in a situation where I too was left to care for my four children when I was perceiving illness and dependent on the unconscious behaviours of man...I too had to step out of my comfort zone and "beg" for support.  Where as she got the  support, I never did. And maybe...that was for the best. Without that support I found myself striving to do what felt natural for me. ...I found myself  on my way back to where I belong.  As long as the fox gets fed and supported with unhealthy means...she will not find her way back to living off nature the way she was meant to.

I don't know but once again ego had to have a say, didn't it?  I had to make this fox scenario about me somehow lol.  Well, it is all about "I" if not "me" ...we are all connected, are we not?  Whether we have fur or skin; living under a cabin or in a bungalow, hungry or well fed; or  dependent on the kindness of others or in a position where we can help...we are all connected. Hmmm!

This fox did what she could, despite her conditioning, to provide for her family. She changed her habits.  It was a selfless maternal act, something to learn from. We can all change our habits and natural instincts for something greater...to serve each other.

So much to learn.

 

All is well.

Where ignorance is bliss, Tis folly to be wise.
-Thomas Gray (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/ignorance_is_bliss)

So much to learn and I am loving it.  I am loving not being the one that is suppose to know lol so I can just fill my empty mind with so much wonderful things.  I am diving into my yoga course which involves a 50  essay question exam. So far the questions it is asking are mostly things I already studied and thought I knew about the meaning and  history of yoga, some of the ancient Hindu texts and the Sutras of Patanjali...all that I have recently studied ( how convenient , eh?).  Well I am approaching them like I don't know and researching and reading more about these things from the perspective of ignorance.  What a wonderful, wonderful perspective that is and I am learning so much. I have only nine questions done and I already have 25 pages written lol.  This set up for learning is absolutely perfect for me. I write to learn and I learn to write...so it is a perfect means for my educational experience. I am learning to approach yoga in a totally new and "giving" way.  Which is quite serendipitous as the lesson in ACIM I open up to today is, Today I learn to give as I receive. (ACIM, Lesson174:158).

I am also studying photography which is another wonderful thing.  I am not pushing ignorance there...I just am lol.  My photos of the graduation proved that.  I went in with a few crash lessons from the course on flash photography, my professional looking equipment and some residue of ego and wow! was I ever put in my place...lol  I was reminded that I  have a lot more learning to do...that excites me!  To know I have so much learning to do is wonderful.  I just want to have a blank slate to learn.  :)

These two little challenges were perfect for my transition from a financially sufficient nursing instructor, mother of a once dependent child, and into the unknown  silver /golden stage of my life ( menopause and awakening).  It is all good!  And I am almost feeling energetic enough to enthusiastically jump into the home renos to get this place ready to sell.  Well almost...I get tired even thinking about it.  Regardless, change is not necessarily a bad thing if you approach it from a perspective of ignorance...and being willing to learn.  : )

All is well in my world!

Echoes

All things are echoes of the Voice for God.
-ACIM Lesson 171 (151)

I close my eyes and I hear it.  I hear Life outside my window creating the most beautiful music...sparrows, robins, the odd cacophony of a Blue Jay's horn, humming, wind through the lush braches of trees, traffic going by, dogs barking and I remind myself that it is all echoes of the Voice for  God.  Life is the Voice for God. It is beautiful, so compelling.  I want to listen to that Voice.  I want to heed Its instructions.  I want to be a part of it. Nothing else seems to matter all that much.

All is well.

Ego & Photography

I will speak for a second about another ego  trip I took and learned from, not as a mother but as an amateur photographer.  Ego got in the way and my daughter did not get the pics she wanted. 

I do want to take great shots but I am a long way from that.  I decided to use this prom pic thing as a practice for what I am learning in the course I am taking.  I ran into some problems. I can't see...so I depend on Lightroom to help (I really cannot tell what kind of pic I got until I take them to Light room).  All pics I shoot also have to be processed there because I shoot raw.

In raw you capture  every colour under the rainbow, every crease, every snatch of light reflected off a heavily made up face to a shiny piece of fabric.  There are a lot of made up faces in an assortment of brightly coloured and shiny fabric on prom day lol, not to mention background creating an overload of "noise."  There is also too much top light and little to no top shade at 3-5 in the afternoon when most pics are taken.  Prom has to be a true photographer's night mare.

It takes skill and experience to handle such a challenge and I realize after the fact that I just have not mastered the techniques of photography enough yet to handle such a situation.  I should have shot in automatic and jpeg so she could just have some good snap shots. Instead I got arrogant and said to myself...I am going to get great professional looking images, not for her...for me.

Fail!  She depended on me to capture the moments with her friends and I  screwed up  with ISO and f stop so extra processing was required.   She hates processed pics.  My arrogant ego attempt to take great shots meant she was left with  shots she was not happy with. :(   

Shamer is having a field day  with that as well.  My bad. Let's pretend this was her reaction with the pics lol:

No spotlight for Maternal Ego

Bitter sweet, is how I would describe this experience I am having now, as my daughter graduates high school.   

As I tramp around after her in her long prom gown snapping terrible shots (I will explain later)...pull out her pic to give people, put up her grad sign in my front yard and get ready for the Baccalaureate service today...I feel overwhelmed with this feeling.  I am so proud, so very, very happy for her, so relieved I was able to support her this far and...and I feel so very sad. She is my youngest and it is hard to let her go...even though she is not "mine" and  I never owned her to have the right to imply I get to let her go anyway lol...To release my ego hold on her is hard; to put aside any  "idea" of my maternal right to her is challenging. 

And ego absolutely loves it!!!  Milestones in the life of children can cause a strange reaction in parents, mothers especially. This is what I call the  maternal ego and it can be nasty and confusing, going back and forth between filling me up with a bunch of garbage about how well I  did as a mother to how awful I am as one.

Maternal ego goes from a place of redemption..."Oh look at how well she turned out.  That's because of you.  Look how beautiful she is...your genes (okay...ego doesn't mind stretching things when it is on a roll lol). "

...to a place of shaming:" You were never like other moms, were you? You had different priorities. She had to live in this house that you let go...you should have done better there...sucked it up and got it done...always making excuses, weren't ya? Were you there for her enough?  You were so wrapped up in what was happening around you,  to you and to your body for so long...did you give her enough? Were you present enough?  Did you teach her enough?    Were you a good enough mother?  A good enough mother would have sucked it up!  Would never have mentioned she was not well and kept going....staid with her job no matter how bad she felt and kept the house clean and tidy for her anyway. Now what are you going to do about her future...how on earth are you going to help her get through university? " 

Back to redeeming me..."Look how happy she is, how many friends she has, how the camera just loves her especially when she is laughing and smiling. That can't be faked.  You taught her what was important. She is kind...you gave her that.  She loves her family...you taught her that."

...and then back to shaming.  Last night I awoke in a middle of some wicked hot flashes to, "She is embarrassed about her posture in those pics...maybe she has scoliosis and you missed it...now she is 18 and what can be done about it? See...you were not aware enough.  You were not a good mother.  she will suffer forever because of your neglect!"

Ego is so wicked lol.  I know I am tired, still reeling from giving up things in my personal life besides her, confused, very menopausal, stressed and very, very ego prone.  So I am like a prime target  for shame especially.  :)  Regardless if it is Shamer or Redeemer filling my head...it doesn't matter.  The thing is ...this is not about 'little me' is it?   Not at all. 

Why do we always see life events through the perspective of me even in the maternal role ?

When I step back and remind myself of that, I find my mental drama funny to watch.  So very silly.  Last night, in my head, I had her  walking off the stage with her diploma right on to an orthopedic surgeon's table.  How desperate was ego to create that nonsense? Don't get me wrong...I will get her spine checked and work on posturing but the rest is just senseless drama created by an ego,  seeing an opening on the stage to jump in on. From there it wants the spotlight.  Whether it be villain, damsel in distress or heroine...doesn't matter. As long as it has the light.  :)

I won't let ego have the spotlight. It goes back on my girl...not "my" girl...but this beautiful young  woman who is an amazing expression of Life longing for itself!

This poem helps:

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For Life goes not backward or tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which  your children as living arrows  are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might so that the arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

for even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.

                                            Khalil Gibran ( https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/children-2/ )

With great love, I gladly am the bow. 

All is well.

Sound and Fury?

...full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
William Shakespeare: MacBeth; Act 5; Scene 5

I think of this quote for many reasons.  As I awaken, I find myself looking out at the world as an audience member watching some drama unfold on stage. I see the senseless reactions, defenses, attacks in others and in myself and question ,"Is this life?" 

Just as Macbeth describes it in his grief ridden soliloquy, we  can look at ego's diminished version of  life for what it is when we begin to awaken from it. "It is a tale told by an idiot."  Told by  the fool  only after ego's little "me"  has finished strutting and fretting about on stage. You do know that in most of Shakespeare's plays, the fool turns out to be the wisest character?  :)

When we are lost in ego, it is like we are strutting about like actors playing a part and too often getting lost in the character.  We worry and fret about a "tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow" that will never come. And then we die! It is all  nothing more than a "story,"  full of so much senseless noise, anger, effort, stress, defense, attack, loss and fruitless doing.  In our fight to gain or regain power, recognition, righteousness, and/or  a victim status... all we get is an opportunity  to stand in the spot light alone and recite some eloquent complaint.  Ahhh but how dramatic and wonderful we are in the delivery of our soliloquy. :)  Is it worth it? It really means nothing.

This depiction of life...is not Life.  It is just ego drama.  Life (with a capitol "L") is that which watches the play without any attachment to it what so ever... "life"(with a lower case "l") is a mental creation, a brief candle so easily blown out.  What most of us are watching or starring in is just a play people...just a play. 

The director and producer of the entire shebang is the Mind.  As long as we know we are watching, we are awake but when we become so engrossed in the acting or the viewing that we forget we are merely watching...than we are indeed nothing more than a "walking shadow."  Life becomes a melodrama.

When we begin to do as Macbeth did, stand back and see it for what it is, we are waking up.  We begin to see that ego's version of life...death, loss and suffering are not real.   In the true version of Life,   there is no death, Death cannot come from life. .(ACIM-w-167:5:1) That flame is inextinguishable. What seems to die is but the mind asleep. (ACIM-w-167:6:7) 

So the ego's version of life is full of sound and fury signifying nothing but the real version of Life is full of silence and stillness signifying  everything.

All is well.

This is all there is.
- every teaching I have recently studied.  :)

I will have to get back to you on this one...on this thought running through my head.  I will.

Seeking what has not been lost.

There is a silence into which the world can not intrude.  There is an ancient peace you carry in your heart and have not lost.
ACIM W-164:4:1-2

Isn't that absolutely comforting and reassuring? Those words resonate in me because that is what I seek. 

Seeking?

Hmmm!  I am getting lost in ego's language again, aren't I?  "Seek" is an oxymoron because how can you seek that which you have not lost? But my mind tries so hard to convince me that this "thing" that will save me is away from where "I am"...It  requires another physical journey into some dark mysterious cave away from where I am right here and right now.  I put on my Indiana Jones hat and away I go on another adventure looking for the precious  treasure "hidden in my heart". "Seek inward" still takes me away.  It requires movement, doing, looking with the body's eyes, a future projection adding to the idea and story to satisfy the searching   "me."

Who is "me"?

Who is the "me" that is seeking?  That is the first question to ask.  The me my mind tries to appease is simply just another idea...another thought form created by thought...and the mind wants to build on that thought form by giving me more thought in which to explain it, rationalize it, add to it. So it is sending me on yet another journey to do so.  "Okay, here you go...now you are one of those evolving seekers that is looking inward instead of outward."

Where is "me" going?

Where is the "me" going?  That is the next question to ask. The mind says, "This time you are going inward." It tries to make it alright by saying, "It is not like the other times I sent you out there on a mission to find your self so you could be happy....No I'm not fooling you this time ...really.  You will find what you are looking for.  I promise .  You just have to go inward this time instead of outward."  The thought of "inward" is offered to appease the thought form of "me".  Getting confused yet?

"Inward?"

"Inward" is just another idea. "Me" is just another idea too.  They are illusions created by the noisy mind that does not want to be still.  If the mind becomes quiet, if the mind becomes still it will lose its power over us.  We will realize that there is no journey...no mountain to climb, no attackers to escape, no big rolling boulder to run from, no cave to explore...no "hidden treasure" that will make us happy. It is all just a script written by the mind for dramatic effect.  :)

Why does the mind send us on these senseless adventures?  It does this to keep us away from the truth. It needs the  drama. If the mind becomes quiet and still we will see that all our "searching' is just useless mental activity.  If the mind becomes still...we will see that it is all just one big fancy illusion.  Most importantly if the mind became still we would see the truth  that ego tried so hard to deflect us from.

Hidden Treasure

What does the mind not want us to find?  The mind does not want us to know who we are. So it creates this screen over that reality and it plays movie after movie on that screen.  We get so absorbed in the movie watching we come to see everything that is happening on the screen as our life and we lose ourselves in the characters.  We become them...we become the "me" when all it is, is just a thought, a projection from  a movie camera.

 If we were to lift one tiny finger and poke it through that flimsy barrier that exists between the little "me' with  its many life events...and the true Self and the only Life there is...it would go through easily because the veil is so very thin. And if we were to allow  the hole to grow...for some it grows fast, others it is more gradual... eventually we would see the Truth beneath that screen.  We would see the space that surrounds it. We would hear the silence and feel the ancient peace.

Beyond that veil created by thought is all there is, all there ever was and all there will ever be.  There is nothing.  There is everything.  There is "now" the only time there is. In that still space, who we really are exists.  It is there where the Self is not found but is. The Self is.  The peace it offers was and is always in our heart, never lost and never hidden by anything but mind chatter.

We just need to get beyond the mind chatter. We need not seek anything.

You are not what happens to you.  You are the space in which it happens.
-Eckhart Tolle


Sorry...another rampage. I need to step back a bit.  :)

Are We There Yet?

I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday.
-unknown

Okay...there is one more word that bugs me.  I know, I know I said I was done with the rants on our inappropriate use of the English  language  but I guess I am not done  yet.

YET! 

That's the word that bugs me.  Remember that old scenario,  often  mocked, of a child driving to some destination with his family and who innocently (and annoyingly asks) over and over again, "Are we there yet?"

Yet is a complicated word to understand.  It to some may offer a certain hope.  "No we are not there yet"  or "We do not have that yet"  "I have not finished yet"...implies that though we have yet to arrive, have or complete...there is the possibility that we will.  It is not over yet.

Though I see the hope in it, I also see the problem with it. To me the word  reeks of seeking without reaching,  lack, unfulfillment, incompleteness, and being caught in limbo.  Yet implies that there is something else needed or required to make the moment whole and acceptable; the being full and complete; the goal reached.

Yeah it offers hope but hope for what? Hope that this drastic moment of our life that we can not settle into will soon be over and replaced by a future time that will only be this moment when it comes? Hope that we will become something  in some future fantasy other than what we are now? 

Yet implies resistance...resistance to life because life cannot be anything but in this moment! When we use the word yet we are not living, not experiencing, not embracing the now.  We are caught up in mind stuff and mental modifications that take us away from who we really are. That Self is already whole and complete!

I use it, don't get me wrong...I use it.  I use all the words I question.  I am as much conditioned as the next person.  So, I am not condemning anyone for using these words and phrases. I am just suggesting that  maybe we all begin to examine how we use our language.  Does it help us to grow and expand? Or does it keep us contracted and feeling less than?

Wouldn't it be great if the parents of that child turned around and said, "Take a deep breath.  Feel the air going in and out of your lungs.  Feel your body.  Look about you.  This is your life, right here and right now and you are whole and complete just as you are. You have already arrived. There is no "yet'.... and if you ask us that %^&*($# question one more *&^%$#@ time...we are going to show you just how fleeting life is!"  (Surely, I joke lol...not very Zen like am I?)

All is well

Know Nothing

Ignorance is a boundless reality.  What you are yet to know is a limited possibility.
-Sadhguru

As I begin this journey into the next unknown chapter of my life I carry very little "knowledge" with me about where I was and where I will be going.  I finally realize that I know nothing.  That can be scary for someone who was so identified with knowledge...who defined themselves as "someone who knew".  It is scary but at the same time very, very freeing.  Putting down this image, this pretense, this limiting belief that kept me stuck...is freeing. 

The truth is none of us know anything, we just "think" we do.  True wisdom comes when we see that truth and we look at ourselves, the world and other beings with this "ignorance".  We see everything in a different light when we get beyond what "we think" we know. We will be awed by Life instead of bored by it. We will stop judging, assuming, labelling and we will just look, wonder, feel.  We will stop resisting our moments and settle into sweet acceptance. We will experience life for the first time.  :)

Doesn't that sound wonderful?

All is well in my world.

Very tired keeping up with my new routine.  I will write more when I am adjusted and less tired.  Learning lots and that is always amazing. All is well.

Do Not Labor or Spin

Consider how the wild flowers grow.  They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
Luke 12: 27 NIV

 

...the unproblematic expression of the totality...

-Eckhart Tolle

"Flexible" Plans!

I got lost in story again yesterday,  didn't I?  Explaining what I am going to do and why lol.  Truth is I am making plans to do things differently.  It is all good.  Excited and enthused about the switch up, the new courses I am taking and doing a bit of "doing."  We all need to do a little bit don't we?  Flexible plans are okay.  The key word is flexible.

I tried another to do list this morning...checked off the walk which was absolutely lovely, the salutations to the sun (arm's giving me some challenges), the meditation, the green juice, the lesson in ACIM, and then I had "write for submission"  which meant that I would write in my novel, fix up a short story, or start another.  Pulled out the novel...opened it up, looked at it for a bit and knew in the pit of my gut that I didn't want to do that.  Then I pulled out a short story I intended to send out but realized it needed some serious editing and revision.  Opened that up, looked deep at the glaring sentences that I wanted to revise...changed a couple of words...and then I had the feeling again in the pit of my belly...no joy...so I closed that up lol.

The old me pops in and says, "Well you have it on the list...you gotta do it!  Where is your discipline?"  And I find myself just laughing... "Discipline?  What's that?"

The writing for submission is not getting done this morning.  Maybe later but right now I don't "feel it". You know?   It doesn't bring me joy.  (That might have something to do with the fact that I have "writing for submission" on my list instead of just "writing".)  I just want to write that which wants to be written, I guess. :) 

Today you begin to feel the joy of life. ACIM-W-157

It is all good.

Plans?

A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
-Lao Tzu (Brainy Quote: https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/plans)

Life is grand.  The music of it is amazing as I listen to what is going on outside my window...all "the sighs and murmurs" as Tagore referred to it.  So much life! 

It dawned on me that in my "beingness" that I can still "do" without having to, musting myself to death or shoulding myself in the foot...I can still plan a bit and do a bit while maintaining this  wonderful "I am" ness. I think it is important to stay up, at least to some extent, with the physical world.  Eckhart Tolle in a video entitled Universe helps if you allow things as they are states that "Walking through the limitation, not running away from it is equal to inner freedom."  I want inner freedom...so to walk through my perceived  limitations I need to stop escaping and  do something from this end.

Making Plans

I decided to do a few things to bring me back into doing....just a bit...at least so I do not become like Java the Hutt. I am already starting to resemble him a bit around the middle, and as someone who could never gain weight before I have gone beyond being a little excited with the novelty to being a little alarmed lol.  Not for aesthetic reasons but for health ones.  I have been going so far into the inner body, I have been ignoring the outer body...I am less and less concerned about its well being and it shows. It has taken pain, reprimands from dentists and doctors and the inability to fit into my clothes...that made me aware once again.  "Hey...I have to take care of this thing don't I if I want to continue with "I am" ing."  And I do want to continue to be.

Besides I have been in a rut!  The inner work is wonderful and the most important thing in my life now...but I still need to function out there in some form or another.  That part of me has been knee deep in mud for too long.  Time to get out of it.

So...I am making plans.  I am going to do several things to keep me motivated and inspired...committed to keeping the body  moving forward...not toward anything in particular...just moving forward. 

• I am going to create a plan that makes room for getting my house ready to sell...so many hours a day on that.  That will remove some of this guilt and shame I have been feeling over letting things go. I am not sure how much I will be able to do but I will map out a plan that seems like it won't exhaust me and I will take it as it comes. :)
• I am going to continue to do the spiritual work every morning: meditation, ACIM, and other reading or listening things. 
• I will also add a short solitary walk to that every morning ( body willing) so I can spend mindful time in nature and get cardio. I miss that so much. 
• I am going to do yoga ( arm willing) as I have been doing...physically I can get six sets of salutations in a day before symptoms...but I am going to continue to slowly and gradually add to that.
• In fact, I am going to do a Yoga Instructor Training course on line...which I have been meaning to do full out before my body and finances decided to make it challenging for me. Taking it on line...allows me to gain the knowledge and know how in teaching yoga to others without the physicality or expense of it. I also believe it may have the ability to heal me to some degree from my "perceived limitations".  More than anything, it will give me a little purpose now that I am no longer a nursing instructor. I found a very cost effective and well recognized  one that will give me the necessary hours to become certified.  I may need to accept the fact that being registered may not be a reality for me considering that I am still clinging to this idea of physical limitation. (200 active contact hours are needed for registration). Get past that perceived limitation  and who knows what can happen.  :)  I am willing to adjust my less than sufficient finances so that I have money for this...only because I truly feel the benefits will out weigh the expenditure. Besides anything to do with Yoga will enhance my growth and take me closer to knowing Self. That is my major life goal right now.  I feel inspired and compelled to take this course!!!  I will.
• Also found some wonderful little photography courses on Udemy ( $14.00 Canadian).  I feel compelled to learn in that area too. Who knows...I might make money doing this someday.  (Again...I am a little hesitant to turn this into "work" or to be "intent on arriving")
• I am also going to  write ...a blog entry every other day (2-3 week)
• For now,  I want to concentrate on my creative writing...so many words of my novel a day, maybe a short story every month.  Just need to build that skill and test the water for receptivity
• I know I have other non fiction I started ...I guess I should start with organizing what needs to go out etc and ensure that everything is out there somewhere. 
• I might...might...do up a chap book?.  I don't know though...because I am looking at everything I wrote here so far and I am already feeling exhausted lol.  I do not want my writing to feel like "work" ...especially the poetry.
• Oh...oh ..getting ahead of myself

So I got a plan as I step away from the things I knew, including this rut lol. It is not a fixed plan and I have no real destination in mind. I know  life will step in and make its own plans known every now and again...I still have family and social obligations that I want to meet to some degree but man I don't want to over plan.  I like Lao Tzu's wisdom as quoted above.

A new chapter begins...a new chapter begins.

All is well in my world.

Certain Pathway or a Waste of Time?

I will stand back and let Him lead the way.
(ACIM-W-155)

Ego is not happy with me being here.  When I look at the stats it sighs.  When I put in "time" and  what  it refers to as "work"(What the bigger  "I" refers to as "being") with no "compensation" which it so needs: recognition, payment, readership etc....it wags its finger in my face and hisses.   "So you want to teach peace, do ya?  Well who are you teaching it to...the spammers and the few loyal people who are caught between feeling sorry for you and wanting to have you committed?  How much peace are you spreading there? What a waste of time and effort."

Oh ego can be nasty...lol. I know that a teacher needs students and a writer needs readers but that part, I feel, is not really my responsibility.  My job is to come here....to show up everyday and offer what I have to offer.  That simple.  The rest will be "taken care of"...by when, what or how, I haven't a clue.  Yet I know...I am doing my part because it feels so good.  In the offering comes my rewards.  That is all I need to know.

His trust has made your pathway certain and your goal secure. You will not fail your brothers or your Self. (ACIM-W-155:13:6-7)

All is well.

Giving and Recieving; Teaching and Learning

Peace, then, be unto everyone who becomes a teacher of peace.(ACIM, Chapter 14: V:8:1)

Still wonder why I feel so compelled to come here every morning.  I am not getting paid, not being recognized, very few people read what I write here and what I have to say may not be received favorably by the few that do.  I am quite sure that if it were any other way I would not be as compelled to come here.  The circumstances of slight anonymity  are perfect for whatever I am doing here...and I am not quite sure what that is. :)  That is why I do not publicize this site or seek anything from it other than a willing platform on which I can plant my words and images.

 I am devoted  to this Blog...I feel my day is not quite complete until I put a few words down here.  Usually it is so effortless.  That tells me that whatever I do here is for some higher purpose. There are no "ego" reasons for being here.  Maybe that is why I come to these pages...so I can be myself. ..my most authentic and real self...the Self.

I read a line in A Course today that went like this, We will not recognize what we receive until we give it. (ACIM-W-154;12:1)Sometimes I don't see what I am getting from this. I learn here.  I grow here. It seems that I am giving something to whomever may stumble upon these pages ...that I am teaching...but in truth...it is only through the giving that I am receiving  and through the teaching that I am learning all this stuff I write about. I want to learn. It is a selfish act and it is a selfless act at the same time.  I teach what I am learning and I am learning what I teach. 

What it boils down to here is that I  simply want peace.  I find it here. So I teach peace. It can't be any other way I suppose.

It is all good.

Putting Down our Defenses

...Who would replace their fearful toys with joyous games, which teach them that the game of fear is gone.
-ACIM-w-153: 12:2

Have you ever really imagined what your life would be like if there was no fear in it?  Fear, we know, comes with many faces including a bit of worry to down right panic for one reason or another.  It comes because we perceive a "threat" out there or within.  I see it as an emotion that dominates most of our lives.  So aware, am I, of the power of fear in me and around me that I was inclined to write a book about it.

Just imagine...what it would be like...to be afraid of nothing!  To know for certain you were safe, protected, loved without condition.  What would it be like if you didn't have to do anything to ensure that safety...you just had to be? You didn't have to draw lines in the sand, put on heavy layers of armour, build walls around yourself, or invest in weapons of attack ( defense always leads to attack eventually)? You just had to be.

What would we do then if fear didn't stop us? How would we feel then?  How would we approach life then?  How would we grow?  And most importantly, how would we look upon one another?

The world would be a different place , wouldn't it?  We would be different...there would be nothing left for ego to manipulate us with, would there? There would be no more struggling to own and possess, no more clinging, no more protecting, no more fighting, and  no more war.

The perfect world is one without fear.  According to ACIM fear will only go away  when we put down our defenses. With no defenses, there is no fear of attack and with no attack, there is no need for fear or defense.

Will we ever be able to do that?  It starts with one person at a time.  Are you ready to undo your armour and put down your shield? I think I am.

All is well in my world.

Okay...I know ...I said "My" after my big long spiel.  I said "My little apple tree"....lol...not changing it now...We will just excuse it as a little poetic license, okay? My bad :) Oh...and I said "My" bad....that "my" is a challenging word to run away from.

My Little apple Tree

 

My Little Apple Tree

If peace can have a scent, it takes me to your side

where leaf is green and flowers bloom and bees so happily abide.

You stand so like an angel with branches  stretched like wings  toward the sky

and wanting Heaven too, I lean against your steady bark and quietly I sigh.

I am lost in the sweet presence that makes the blossoms escape from your tiny tips

and I close my eyes and feel It as "thank you" slips from my lips.

You teach me what I need to know without useless word or thought;

You show me what I am and you show me what I'm not.

I breathe you in and when I do I breathe in all that I could ever be.

Somehow I find the truth I seek, in you,
my little apple tree. 

-Me...

©Dale-Lyn (Pen) (May 30, 2018)

 

That came out of me really, really  fast lol.

 

 

 



"My" or "Mine."

Language is power, in ways more literal than people think.  When we speak we exercise the power of language to transform reality.
-Julia Penelope

Still hung up on the language thing.  I am creating another series. Everything I think or do seems to come in clumps or clusters...even the chest pain lol.  Go figure.  I cannot seem to switch gears until all that topic energy is expended. So bear with me.

Possessive Pronouns

I am thinking about the use of possessive pronouns(or what some would argue are 'determiners' ) . I am looking at how we erroneously use 'my', and 'mine' and how that effects ( I mean.."affects" ...keep getting those words mixed up lol) our belief systems, and therefore our lives.

We get caught up in phrases like; "My body", "My foot" "My house" "My job" "My children" "My friend" "My man" "My love" My God'  "My pain" "My story" "My thoughts"  "My feelings" "My belief" "My country" "My race" "My gender"  My depression" "My illness"  "My life"...it goes on and on. 

When we put "my" or "Mine" in front of something or beside something  we take ownership or possession of that thing and we create an invisible border around us and it.  We separate the my and mine from the "we' "us" and "our" dimensions of our world, don't we?...

These types of pronouns lead to a sense of loneliness and isolation, do they not...like we are cut off from others all because we took possession of this thing.

Not only that ...that possession implies a need to protect and defend.  If we need to protect and defend, we therefore must believe that something outside our "my bubble" will attack us to get at that thing.  Therefore there must also be a "they" and a "them" and a "their"..and 'they' must be the enemy or at least a potential threat. Wow!  Whoever knew pronouns could be more complicated than the grammar rules made them.

More separation, more need for defense and attack and more fear is induced by these little words used in our English language.

We can change them though.  We can start replacing them with more neutral words, can we not?

Neutralizing the Possession and Attachment Need

What is the most neutral word in the English language...the one I keep incorrectly typing as 'teh' for some reason lol..."THE".  What if we stopped owning everything and starting looking at things of the physical world  as rentals or loaners instead of something that belongs to us?  What if I looked at my arm when it was hurt and said "The arm is bothering me" instead of saying "My arm hurts". 

I detach right?  I detach.  And freedom requires detachment.  Without the "my" and "mine" I no longer have to defend it or protect it.  I no longer have to define it or explain it.  It  just is the arm attached to the body I am using while I am here.  Total different context, total different frame of reference...leading to a totally different way of approaching life.

"The body has pain." detaches me from my ownership of the pain, thus eliminating my need to defend and or attack for it. 

I am losing "the house", sounds so much better than I am losing "my house" , doesn't it? I am just losing something that doesn't technically belong to me...it was just a house I lived in. 

"The  job" rather than "my job" brings the idea of what a job is  back down to reality.  It was never "my job'...it was just a job I did, that anyone with the same qualifications can do. 

The children I raised are not mine...They are "life longing for itself" (Gibran) .  They just came from me.  I do not own them.

I have friends yes and I love my friends but they are not mine.  We are getting into the idea of special relationships again with friendships and intimate relationships by the use of these pronouns.  D. is not mine either.  And Love, by  the true nature of the experience...is not something that could ever be limited to special relationships or "my" or "mine."

As for "My God"...well that is self explanatory, is it not?  There is just God.  So many wars and so much destruction has occurred over the years in an attempt to own some idea of God.

Do I need to go on?  One more..."My Life"...There is no "my to life"...there is just life and we are all it.  Someday maybe we will truly realize that. Maybe we will put down our need for possessive pronouns and  our fear so that we can see Self for what it really is....something that never separates, defends, attacks  or possesses the valueless.

Hmm!

Okay...I am done talking about language...I think lol.

All is well.

Accomplishing Much?

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

What do you want to do today?

The question that makes me cringe more than any other lately is, "What do you want to do today?"  When D. asks me that question for some reason I want to haul off and hit him.  (If you knew D. you would realize how extreme of a reaction that is...nobody wants to do anything but hug D. lol) Yet he asks me that question and I feel assaulted and I want to assault back.  Why? 

Because I do not want to do anything.  I don't want to "do".  I don't want to think about doing...plan doing...make choices of doing.  The thought of that sickens me.Yuck!  yuck!  Yuck!.

Accomplishing much?

I am not naturally a lazy person.  I have worked hard to accomplish many things over the course of my life.  I can stay focused and work non stop at something without taking a break as I have with the marking needed for this last course I taught. I am okay with working hard, body willing.

"Accomplishment" in fact used to be one of my motivating mantra words.  I mentioned before that I used to be a  "To-Do" list addict, right?  I would gain a great sense of "accomplishment" whenever I checked something off that list. 

I now stay clear of to-do lists and the word accomplishment sounds like something I burp up. I accomplish very little it seems...well from what can be seen with the human eye that is.  There is so much I know needs to be done...fixed...cleaned...repaired...ordered...dealt with etc...but heck I am not going there.  I am not picking up a pen to write those things down either. I just want nothing to do with doing...or accomplishing.  It shows...man it shows...but I just don't care.

I mean I write...and words are there somewhere that some would call accomplishment.  I spend a lot of extra hours on this last course doing what some of the students expressed great appreciation for though it is not measured in pay or scheduled hours.  Kids will tell me I am great because I am always there for them.  Yet none of this stuff is really measurable by society's standards is it?  According to society...I am a big lazy mess of unproductive flesh. I know that...yet I still won't pick up that pen to write a list and I still cringe when someone asks me what I want to do. 

Part of me says , "You need to explain to people why you aren't working, to tell them about what your body is doing and how hard it is for you to be physical."  I have no desire to explain anything to anyone anymore...not even to my self. :)

I don't seem to need that validation for accomplishment any more.  In fact...I am starting to see that true accomplishment cannot be measured externally or by others.  It's an internal game.

Choosing "Be-ing'' over "Do-ing"

I want to be...not do.  I want to be.  I want to live...not accomplish.  I want to live.  I want to be peaceful...not act, fix, solve, partake or be busy.  I want peace.  Where does that put me in this society?  Crazy lady! lol

You know what? I am okay with that. lol.  I just  don't care that much anymore about pleasing others and meeting social expectations.    For now, I am honoring this feeling.  I am not doing.

I am hoping this is just part of the waking up process and eventually I will find a balance between being and doing.  Hopefully my resistance to D.'s innocent question will not always trigger such a reaction in me. He doesn't deserve a black-eye.lol

All is well.

Blossom!

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Elizabeth Appell

The Difference Between Words

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is like the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
-Mark Twain


I am still a little stuck on the limitations of the English Language as a symbol of the limitations of our western cultural conditioning. Get all that? :)

I am looking at the words "I have" in how they relate as a replacement for our distorted use of "I am."

Not to be used with doing

 Now when I use "I have" here in favorable terms...I am by no means recommending it as  a good choice for describing doing. When it comes to doing, I see it as a curse term synonymous with "should' and "must".  I absolutely hate to see it in forms like, "I have to do this."  "I have to go." etc.  No...it is yucky in that context. It denies the freedom of choice that each of us have internally. 

Replace "I am" with "I have"

The context I want "I have" to be used is simply in the replacement of "I am" when we identify with the perishable or temporary that diminish the "I am" potentiality. In other words...I would like to see us say, "I have a role as a nurse, doctor, writer...or whatever right now," instead of saying to ourselves and to the world, "I am a nurse, doctor, writer."   "I have feelings of frustration, anger, loneliness right now," instead of saying, "I am frustrated, angry, lonely." "I have pain right now," instead of saying, "I am sick or broken."  Does that make sense?

The Difference

What difference does it make to replace "I am" with "I have" there?  A lot. 

Firstly, when I say I am...it is like I am saying to myself and the world..."Look at me.  This is who I am.  This sickness, this emotion, this role...is who I am." It is a piece of me.

When I say" I have...", I am not identifying, not making what I have a part of me.  It is like I am holding this particular something in my hands and showing it to myself and the world. "Look at this.  This is what I have in my hands right now." The thing I have is separate from me...it is just something I am holding a part from me and experiencing with my five senses. It isn't "me".

Another difference is in permanence. In "I am"...whatever I am experiencing is deemed to be as eternal as I am. There is no temporary nature to it.  I am clinging and making things of this world something they are not.  For example, if I say "I am sick." it implies there is no end to it.  It is as if sickness is as much  a part of me as is my name or my eye colour.

I, however, use "right now", when I describe the experience of having, to bring us back into the moment, the only time there is.  In this moment...I have this or that. I may have pain but it will not last forever.  I just have it right now.  I may not have what I have now in the next moment but that is irrelevant.  Right now I have this or that. The use of "I have" shows that I recognize that things of the external world are temporary and fleeting.

The biggest distinguishing point between I am and I have is...is that in "I have" I express that I can put whatever I am holding down whenever I choose to, it is not a part of me...I don't have to amputate pieces of the Self if I decide to remove it.  I don't lose who I am when I set it on the ground and walk away.  If you are holding a heavy bolder in your hands and it gets heavy, what do you do?  You put it down and walk away.

If I use "I am" however...it equates to this understanding that part of me will be removed if I take this thing away. I will be less than. Even removing painful things like a heavy bolder or painful emotion may be resisted if we use these terms for fear of losing who we are in the process. If I am angry...I will cling to that anger in fear of the pain of amputation if I don't. There is a potential for loss and pain  in the inappropriate use of "I am" and much less in  in "I have".

Try this and see which one "feels" better for you.  "I am suffering"  or "I have suffering in my life right now."  ????

If we want to use language to detach from erroneous cultural beliefs, we need to change "I am" to "I have" when we describe roles, feelings or temporary experiences.  It will, I believe, eventually change the way we look at Self and look at Life.

More food for thought.

All is well.

"I am" in the English Language

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
-Robin Williams https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/words


For the Love of Words

I love words and I love to understand their meaning.  My mother tongue ( my only tongue lol) is English so I am fascinated with the English language...it's beauty and its limitations.  I believe our language reflects our culture and our culture reflects what we think and believe as a people.  The words we use then can reflect what we believe. 

The Limitations of the English Language

"I am sick!"  "I am afraid". "I am lonely." "I am a doctor."  "I am a photographer."  "I am a writer." 

We tend to use that "I am " a lot don't we, in the English language?  We tend to identify with roles, ideas, experiences,  thoughts and feelings as if we...who we really are...are those things. But we aren't those things are we? 

I, for example am not sick.  How can a person "be" a sickness?  If I had colitis for example...would it sound okay for me to introduce myself to people I first meet, "Hi.  I'm Colitis, nice to meet you?" "Or even, "Hi.  I'm Influenza.  What?  You're Influenza too?  Weird, what are the chances of that? We have the same name."

I can have an illness...more accurately...My body  can be experiencing the symptoms of a sickness  but I cannot be "Sick. " Yet so many of us accept that temporary experience as our identity by adding the "I am" in front of it.  We become sickness in our minds where our twisted version of reality exists. We share it and it becomes a part of the collective mind set. Sickness takes on a real and potential  part of our beingness (in our minds only).

What about if I said "I am afraid." or "I am lonely?"  Again, can I be a temporary emotional experience?  Can I introduce myself to a crowd of people and say,  "Hi, I am frustration and I am here to talk to you today about slow drivers" ? I can feel anger; I can experience loneliness but I cannot be anger or loneliness.

Yet there we are with that big permanent marker scribbling "I am" in front of those emotions so that we become them in our minds. We cling to temporary and fleeting experiences as a part of who we are. Tomorrow, I may get up on stage and say, "Hi, today I am peaceful and I would like to talk to you about forgiveness." How do we explain the permanence of  that "I am-ness" then?

Can you change your name that fast?  Are you Sally one hour and Tom the next?  Talk about the Split personality again.  Emotions are so temporary and changeable.  So how can  we attach "I am" to them when those two words signify eternity? And what happens when we do...we become lost in them, overwhelmed by them, powerless to them...because they are not just passing by like leaves on a stream but we see them as a part of who we are.

What about the roles we take on?  Can we be those things?  Sounds better for sure, when I introduce myself as "I am So and So and I am a photographer."  That makes sense right?  Yet, is it?  When I say I am a photographer...I am saying that is who I am...It is not just what I do even though it is all about what I do. Roles are action words with a twist.  Each of the  roles require  an action + an  "or" or  an "er." Do they not? I write but I am not a writer.  I am so much more than  a play on an action word, aren't I? I am so much more than what I do.

The Sacredness of "I am" in other Languages

I am in many eastern languages has a very eternal and sacred connotation to it.  There is a passage in  Exodus, written in Hebrew that gets translated to English as, "I am Who I am.  This is what you are to say to the Israelites,: 'I AM has sent me to you.'"  Exodus 3:14 NSV   How can you get more sacred, more eternal than that?  Yet we take those two words and plop them in front of words like sickness, emotion, what we do.  Does that make sense to diminish them in such a way?

I am that (So hum) in Sanskrit sums up the eternalness of who we are beautifully.  I am That...which is sacred, which is eternal.  So why on earth would we diminish the potentiality of those words  by saying something like , "I am angry?"

The English language limits us, removes us from who we really are and keeps us stuck in the temporary and the perishable. Despite its beautiful poetry, English tends to be ego's language, doesn't it?  Hmm

Just some food for thought.

All is well

A Weight of Nerves Without a Mind

So many worlds, so much to do, so little done, so much to be.
Alfred Lord Tennyson; In Memoriam LXXXIII

A lot is said in this sad and pensive poem by Tennyson, a memoriam to his almost brother-in-law and dear friend Arthur who died too young. Throughout this very, very long poem the poet is talking to Christ asking him to keep him rooted in faith in fear that grief will take him away.  What has that got to do with ego talk, and finding the True Self?  Everything!

Many Worlds

What I hear from this section (LXXXIII) is the division of self throughout the worlds (death -life, dimensions, countries, daily experiences) ...the getting caught up in doing and eventually leaving things undone  when there is so much to "be". He resents the fact that his friend didn't get to be, all that he can be.

Like a Dove

For some reason...not that it will ever make sense to anyone, including myself lol...I find myself caught like he as he watches the dove in an earlier section of the poem. I long to be "without a mind".  I too, (though not quite resembling  the drama the poem speaks too lol) am jumping off a cliff and hasting away from this world that I knew.

Like her, I go;I cannot stay.

I leave this mortal ark behind,

A weight of nerves without a mind,

And leave the cliffs, and haste away.

- Section XII

 

Like Tennyson, I am not seeking death, in the physical sense, I am seeking death in the mental.  Tennyson imagines becoming like the dove and escaping all he thought the world was. He imagines flying up and above, circling, looking out at the world in a whole new way, being careless, without worry or concern...thinking possibly it is the end,  before eventually slipping back into the body and time. "...an hour away."  He goes from life, to death ( immortality) to life.

 

(So technically ...this is not a "dove" in this image.  It was the closet I could find.  Either that or a pigeon on a roof  which is technically a dove...but you know it wouldn't have the same effect  :) )


On the Cliff Caught Between Two Worlds

 

In this poem he obviously feels caught between two worlds...the physical and the spiritual.  The physical world is full of pain and grief, the spiritual ...freeing.  This freedom, this joyful vision of the world doesn't require death of the physical body, it requires a death of our "resistance" to it. ...an escape from the mind to just be " a weight of nerves".  How eloquently that describes this beingness...feather light, nothing but the full experience of living, guided by each nerve impulse and the wind beneath the wings...without thought, without resistance, without mind. Is that not living? Hmmm!

 

What drives him to this heart to heart with the Divine? Grief, pain, suffering...what the second noble truth of Buddhism refers to as Dukkha.  Dukkha brings a recognition that yes there is suffering in this world as human beings but there is a way from it. By "leaving the cliffs" ...that edge of physicality... our "attachment" to it...our connection to idea, identity, ownership, separation, ego...we can become free, like the dove...and we connect, as he felt he would, with all other beings in a timeless state. Is that what we are not here to do?

 

I have been feeling like such a misfit in this world lately.  I don't know how to do the "normal" things people do anymore.  They do not have meaning for me.  Yet ego keeps pulling me back into it because as awkward and sometimes painful  as it is...it is still familiar. It tells me I am supposed to be normal lol. Shame and redemption seem to be the normal pattern of existence for me. For so long, I have been standing on this cliff  knowing that I cannot stay.

 

Don't get me wrong...I am not planning to off my Self (or leave this physical body)...I am just wanting to off my 'self", my ego. I want to leave my connection to it behind.  I leap.

 

Ironically...what lesson do I happen upon in ACIM as I pray for faith and guidance, just as Tennyson did?  No one can fail who seeks to reach the truth &; I loose the world from all I thought it was. Lesson 146

 

Now what? lol

 

It is all good.

 

References:

 

ACIM

 

Tennyson, Lord Alfred. (1893) In Memoriam.  Full text: In Memoriam by lord Alfred Tennyson; edited with notes. Retrieved from:  https://archive.org/stream/inmemoriambyalfr00tennuoft/inmemoriambyalfr00tennuoft_djvu.txt

 



Time Out for Ego Twins

Just in case you are wondering about the previous blog...no...I am not like the character in Split.  Well, not really lol.  I was once again speaking very figuratively.  If you were popping in for the first time and concerned about all this "ego" stuff, you don't have to be.  It is all good.  No worries.  Though I am as 'insane ' as the majority of the population, I do not have any virgins in my basement waiting to have their hearts fed to "the beast."  I am just waking up and having a good look at what is real and what isn't. I see the ego twins in many of us and I comment on them.

Now, you could shake your head and think I am crazier than a bag of hammers if you need to.  I am okay with that.  Before you do, however, please take a look at the people around you and take a look at yourself.  Do you not see any signs of a Shamer or Redeemer ego there?  I bet you do.

Anyway. I am grateful for the experience yesterday and what it has taught me.  It showed me that my ego twins both need a long time out.  :)

It is all good.

Wrong again!

Sigh...I hate being wrong when it comes to my physical health for all kinds of reasons...but I know it is all ego based.  It is therefore very good for me when I am :)

The Personalities of Ego

I believe, that not only do I have an ego in  me...a little self that tries so hard to convince me that I am separate from the world, and at the mercy of those around me...I have two of them. Two egos?

Well I believe the ego in most of us is insane and mine is suffering from a dissociative disorder.  It has a split personality. :)  Sometimes it comes out as  Shamer ego...knocking me down and keeping me down with reminders of all the nasty things I am and all the wonderful things I will never be.  It reminds me constantly of the things I did wrong!

Other times Redeemer ego comes out of the recesses.  He does the opposite of Shamer. He  tries to build this idea of me up in the eyes of others with ways I  can compensate for losses, "be better" than someone else...or at least be proven right when Shamer was proven wrong. He gets me into so much trouble with his ceaseless need to "do", to "win", to  "own", to "gain" and to prove myself to this world that Shamer feels so inferior in.

I absolutely despise the both of them lol.  Shamer leaves me feeling the way I feel now but Redeemer never stops. He is too persistent for my liking.

Do you see where this is going yet?

Do you remember my little arm problem that I have been complaining about?

No fracture! 

I decided to ignore Shamer and listen to Redeemer. I spent way too much time thinking about this...and avoiding all the risks associated with the only way I would know for sure.  I had to pull up my Redeemer ego pants, push the voice of Shamer aside, take a deep breath and I had to go back in there!!!  lol.  And I did, if for no other reason than to get out of my head.  I was not going to stop thinking about this until an x-ray was done and a fracture was ruled out.  (But man...I am still not convinced...just too much pain 12 days after a fall to be just soft tissue....did I say that Redeemer was pretty persistent. lol)) 

Anyway...the poor doctor assured me it was not broke because I could pronate and supinate ( hurts to supinate) but I looked at her and out it came, "I don't care!  I want an X-ray!"  (In my mind I was thinking...could be a hairline fracture or a longitudinal one...I would be able to make those movements then and I didn't wait eight hours for a "just a bruise" diagnosis).  So ...I was hell bent on not being dismissed.   I am not sure from where it came...the place of Being or the place of  being frustrated and p###$# off lol.   ...but I was assertive and I got my x-ray!

The results were negative. She came back in to tell me basically that it was "just a bruise". Ugh!!! One thing Redeemer ego cannot stand is to be called "wimp" and I feel I have just been called one...big time! Ego is really getting quite the tuning , isn't it?

And I, now just a red faced Shamer ego,  had to walk out of there with my tail between my legs....again!  All those doctors which were branded and herded together to become the "they" in my health care dilemma won again.  "They" 2,899,000,000...me ( my ego)  0...well maybe 3 lol....oh the shame.

My True Self...however, takes no score. It is not one bit interested in who is right and who is wrong, who calls themselves the doctor and who calls themself the patient, if the arm was  fractured or just bruised, and if my ego got slapped around or not.  It sees no battling personalities  in my mind.  It is beyond all that stuff. It just is.  I want to be "just is" lol

 Man!  There has to be some big learning in this.    I will get to that later.

A Lesson learned when I hurt my arm

Thanks for everything.  I have no complaints what so ever.
-from a story told by Eckhart Tolle in Transcending the Ego Video

I am still  such an ego maniac, a thought junkie, a chronic narrator, a roving reporter, a little prisoner stuck in the confines of the personal self, the heroic victim in the  tragic story I alone am writing  and  I am still for the most part very much asleep. Sigh!

I realize that I am not yet where I want to be.  I am having trouble waking up and staying awake...no matter how annoying that buzzing alarm gets. I am almost there, it seems, I begin to wake up and just as I am crawling out of bed, I fall back to sleep again. I seem to be caught on a "enlightenment wheel" lol. Another big pathetic sigh!

Body Focus

I think I have come so far...and I have...but every now and again I get reminded of how far I have to go.  This arm is reminding me of the obstacles I have before me. It bloody hurts and it is so annoying.  I get pulled back into body focus  and will sometimes get lost in the discomfort.

Mind and Story Focus

But the pain  is benign in comparison to what happens in my mind to spin a story around it.  I get the pain and I think, "Oh it hurts again.  There has to be a fracture.  I wish they would have x-rayed it when I went in nine days ago.   It took me so long to get the courage up to go in when I did. I hate going in there. And like always, my health seeking attempt turned against me."

The thinking will continue to expand to, "I can't go in again.  I think I would rather have a fracture. What will happen long term with a mal union if there is a fracture there? Can I live with that? But the pain...can I live with that?  Man...I live with the chest pain on a regular basis.  This is minimal in comparison."

It goes on..."It would be worse if I got it x-rayed and there was no fracture, wouldn't it? I would then have another "unnecessary ER record"  stuck to my massively large chart, giving them ("them" being all physicians who I have rounded up, branded and herded into one big coral...stereotyping at its best, lol)  even more reason to  adhere to their assumptions about me, 'Fat Folder Syndrome; hysterical hypochondriac, attention seeker or someone with a factitious or conversion disorder.' My future or my family members' future cardiac complaints will then be possibly dismissed when help is needed most. Is my arm worth that?"

The thinking continues to grow into a whirlwind. "I can't expect them to take my complaints seriously just because of a few bruises that are almost faded when they never took the chest pain seriously, the pelvic pain seriously, the loss of eyesight seriously, the severe vertigo I had that time seriously, the fainting seriously or me seriously. I mean...if they did take me seriously wouldn't something have been done about it? My chest pain, even after my sisters' heart attacks, is still such a reality for me but no one hears me.  How am I to  think that they will believe me that my arms hurts when someone else basically tells me the usual story, "These tests or assessments show that it shouldn't therefore it doesn't"? "

I know then that I am out of the present moment. Time becomes my opponent.  I leave the future and am dragged into the past by my desperate little mind, "It has been such a hard journey.  Over twenty years I tried to get help for what most of me knows is very real.  And I still don't have it...even after my sister died of a sudden SCD and two others infarcted in their early fifties, years after I first presented with what appeared to be cardiac symptoms...I am still here living with this, unable to work or do few of the  things I used to love to do. Everything has fallen apart around me.  I have lost so much and I continue to lose so much but still no one hears me.  There is no hope for ever getting any medical help for my health.  And it takes too much out of me to try. It is all so unfair.  I am such a victim to my tragic life.  I don't want this suffering anymore.  I give up trying."

Accepting What is

It is with this 'giving up' that I finally ironically find what I have been looking for... a certain peace in acceptance...I feel myself settling in to what is.  " This is my reality now. It is what it is. As Eckhart Tolle says,   Reality is relatively very benign compared to what your mind is saying about it. (2018).  I can get out of my mind. I will let go.  I will let others believe what they need to believe about me to appease their own egos.  I accept the lack of diagnosis, the lack of help, the lack of support and find my way to the healing that really matters. It is all good."

Then I find myself in the right place, getting to what is really important.  I lose my attachment to ego and physical world things. I feel the veil moving between me and this "transcendent dimension'' (Tolle, 2018) I wake up and I I feel a certain peace.  It is all so lovely...

Ego not done with me yet

That is until...I move my arm a certain way or wake up in the middle of the night to the throbbing and the darn thing starts all over again, "This shouldn't hurt this much.  It must be broken...."     and on and on and on...it goes.  :)  Ego is not done with me yet.

I know there is a very good lesson in hurting my arm.  If I didn't I would just be waking up on a pseudo level.  I wouldn't be dealing with the pain and frustration I stuffed about my health seeking adventure over the years. It is like a big fur ball caught inside me that I need to cough up.

 I don't need to build story around it but I do need to experience the feelings, sit with them, express them.  I haven't done that.  When in ego I numb with story telling, I complain which is equal to resistance and I feel sorry for myself. When in that other beautiful place I ignore the knocking at the door. I shut out the feelings.

I think it is okay to step out and just sit with these feeling for a while. Let them be too.  Maybe this arm is taking me there.  :)

I still don't know about going in to get it x-rayed.  The practical part of me knows I should. still not sure what part that is though...the ego or the true Self. Hmmm!  We will see.  For now, it is just good to see what I am doing in my mind.  :)

It is all good.  It really is.

References

Creative Manifestor (2016, May) Eckhart Tolle: Transcending the Ego. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7QQqJcx4uI