Accomplishing Much?

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

What do you want to do today?

The question that makes me cringe more than any other lately is, "What do you want to do today?"  When D. asks me that question for some reason I want to haul off and hit him.  (If you knew D. you would realize how extreme of a reaction that is...nobody wants to do anything but hug D. lol) Yet he asks me that question and I feel assaulted and I want to assault back.  Why? 

Because I do not want to do anything.  I don't want to "do".  I don't want to think about doing...plan doing...make choices of doing.  The thought of that sickens me.Yuck!  yuck!  Yuck!.

Accomplishing much?

I am not naturally a lazy person.  I have worked hard to accomplish many things over the course of my life.  I can stay focused and work non stop at something without taking a break as I have with the marking needed for this last course I taught. I am okay with working hard, body willing.

"Accomplishment" in fact used to be one of my motivating mantra words.  I mentioned before that I used to be a  "To-Do" list addict, right?  I would gain a great sense of "accomplishment" whenever I checked something off that list. 

I now stay clear of to-do lists and the word accomplishment sounds like something I burp up. I accomplish very little it seems...well from what can be seen with the human eye that is.  There is so much I know needs to be done...fixed...cleaned...repaired...ordered...dealt with etc...but heck I am not going there.  I am not picking up a pen to write those things down either. I just want nothing to do with doing...or accomplishing.  It shows...man it shows...but I just don't care.

I mean I write...and words are there somewhere that some would call accomplishment.  I spend a lot of extra hours on this last course doing what some of the students expressed great appreciation for though it is not measured in pay or scheduled hours.  Kids will tell me I am great because I am always there for them.  Yet none of this stuff is really measurable by society's standards is it?  According to society...I am a big lazy mess of unproductive flesh. I know that...yet I still won't pick up that pen to write a list and I still cringe when someone asks me what I want to do. 

Part of me says , "You need to explain to people why you aren't working, to tell them about what your body is doing and how hard it is for you to be physical."  I have no desire to explain anything to anyone anymore...not even to my self. :)

I don't seem to need that validation for accomplishment any more.  In fact...I am starting to see that true accomplishment cannot be measured externally or by others.  It's an internal game.

Choosing "Be-ing'' over "Do-ing"

I want to be...not do.  I want to be.  I want to live...not accomplish.  I want to live.  I want to be peaceful...not act, fix, solve, partake or be busy.  I want peace.  Where does that put me in this society?  Crazy lady! lol

You know what? I am okay with that. lol.  I just  don't care that much anymore about pleasing others and meeting social expectations.    For now, I am honoring this feeling.  I am not doing.

I am hoping this is just part of the waking up process and eventually I will find a balance between being and doing.  Hopefully my resistance to D.'s innocent question will not always trigger such a reaction in me. He doesn't deserve a black-eye.lol

All is well.