Locked Up?

All this freedom, but I still feel like I'm locked up.
Piper Kerman from Orange is the New black; My year in a Woman's Prison.

I see the sun coming through the clouds and it gives me hope. I am always looking for slices of hope and chunks of relief throughout my day.  I will take whatever I can get and am grateful for it. :)

Two Worlds

I sometimes feel overwhelmed by life on the outside....I am not only seeing  two selves in me but I am now seeing two worlds...the world out there and the world in here.  I like the world in here but I have to function in the world out there...well so my mind tells me.

Out there it feels like I am expected to carry a to do list around with me that is as long as the street I live on. I am told that I am a failure because I have so few things checked off on it.  The guilt, shame and fear sometimes settles over me like a dark cloud.

In here there are no lists and no need to do anything. I just have to Be and I feel this unconditional love and acceptance for that Being.

Prison on the Outside

Unlike the insides of Litchfield prison where Piper and the gang hang out, the outside world is the one that imprisons me, full of high walls, locked doors, bars on windows so I can't see clearly, a need to defend and attack, and many things to be afraid of.  The world in here is the one that frees me...full of expansive space and light.

Sigh...one world I know is just a figment of my mind and one is so very, very real.  I  still find myself stuck in the unreal one and that saddens me.  :)

I sometimes feel guilty for the crimes I committed that put me here and keep me here: My addiction to thought has led me to do things that I regret like get sick, get lost, become a member of the "mob" and do what I could to fit in, even if it was not what my heart wanted. I somehow dragged others down with me(my children)...and that saddens me even more.

Freedom

Yet in those moments when I find a way through the walls of this prison and can go in to the space of freedom...I suddenly  realize that I  have been innocent all along...there is nothing to serve time for. It was all just a scene from a Netflix binge.  I can take off the orange and be my Self.

Hmmm!

I am seeing the sun again and there is something so freeing in that light...like it offers the key to unlock the doors of the busy world so that we can enter the quiet space of the inner one.  Man...I am raving, aren't I? 

It is all good.