The Fall

I had a fall on Thursday evening.  I was going into the house after a little running. I had seen a bald eagle over my neighborhood and ran into get my camera, only to find him gone when I got back. Disappointed, breathless and a little dizzy, I was on my way back into the house when the dizziness became undeniable.

With my camera tucked tightly under one arm and my hand around the lens(the way I carry it), IPad, phone and a plate balanced in the other, I found myself suddenly  losing my balance. Instinctively I tensed up to protect my camera.   That little maneuver prevented me from rebalancing myself . Everything else flew out of my hands as I headed for the deck. Beyond my conscious control, curse words poured from my mouth, as if they too were losing the battle  with gravity and falling to the ground.

It all happened so fast and in that brief second or two of clock time, I slipped away.  I was gone. Then I reappeared somewhat stunned, to  feel the camera, that  I fought so hard to protect, gently bouncing off my outstretched hand to safety somewhere on the deck, one little finger of mine breaking its fall so beautifully.  I reached out to caress  the lens  like a mother would a child's hair after waking up beside her. Then it registered in me that I had fallen.  

I am not sure how I fell exactly, what hit first or where.  I just found myself on my back shocked, and for some reason terribly embarrassed. I looked past my unscathed camera to see the plate shattered into  many pieces, and my IPad cracked more than it was.  My pride wasn't the only causality of this trick of nature

It was time to come back into myself. I slowly pulled myself from the powerless position I was in to a sitting one.   I knew I was experiencing pain but at first I didn't know where.  The hand that was only seconds ago clinging to my lens to protect it was throbbing fiercely.  That hurt.  My elbow on that side was burning too.  I looked at it to see that it was bleeding ...not profusely...but enough to add some gory to this little drama.   The back of my head was throbbing a bit. Had I knocked the wind out of my self?  I could breathe but my back was heavy. I looked down to see both knees were  scraped and bloody from the fall.  And then I lifted  my right forearm.  An odd circle of swelling was forming already in the center of it and the pins and needles feeling of a good bump in the funny bone was pulsating through that arm.  I was in pain.   Still I could not tell exactly what part of my body hurt worse or if anything hurt enough for me to even give it more than a second notice.  It all blended into something beyond what I could understand.

Had I done something to deserve this?

What was I thinking before I went down, I wondered, to deserve such a maternal slap on the back of the  head to send me reeling forward? I was thinking about my camera, and how to get students to understand the importance of the thesis statement.  I was thinking about missing a great photo op and how freaking dizzy I can get from a little exertion. I was not mindful obviously. Was I feeling sorry for myself? Was I lost in ego prior to the fall?  Maybe this was the teacher's  way of waking me up when I was caught slipping back into unconsciousness.  Is the universe that mean?  Will it pretty much  knock a person out just to wake them up?

Man, what was I to learn from this?

The learning would have to wait. I  was throbbing  in pain but I couldn't understand it.  What I could understand was that I was definitely awake ! 

Ego still calls...keeping me in my head with the thought, "It is probably fractured! You got dizzy, fell and broke your arm and nothing will be done...you wait and see."  That sickening feeling again stuck with me for 24 hours...I wasted 24 hours on that!

Physically,  I am fine now. I still get that funny bone feeling when I type or move my arm a certain way and the camera  protecting finger is swollen and black. The ribs were sore for a couple of days, but better now. I swallowed my pride and pushed aside my commitment to stay away unless I was unconscious and  went into ER this morning to get my arm checked.  I wanted to rule out an ulnar fracture....not because of ego's whining but because I thought I needed too...I got several other opinions before I did that said, "It's definitely broken! go in!'.  But all I managed to do was make ego  happy with it's I told you so attitude... The attending felt it was just muscle and nerve damage from the impact of the fall and didn't even feel it warranted an Xray.  I don't want to give into ego...so I will agree with the physician. A good bang on the ulnar nerve could cause such pain.

Regardless, the teacher is waiting to evaluate my learning.  I don't know what to tell her. I need some time to think.  :)  I think that is why I focused on the arm for 24 hours...as a distraction from the lesson :)

I am also putting all this into a narrated story in hope that it will take me away from the learning I need to do. It worked. Once again I fed and soothed the ego before the teacher. I obviously have much more learning to do.

It's all good.