In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on!
- Robert Frost


The Veil

I am fully aware that there is still a veil between me and Self...as flimsy and tattered as it may be getting. :)  It is still there.  I am still allowing mind and body to rule at times.  I forgive both though I work hard to get past that veil ego holds up.  I am not "succeeding" at the moment.

Right now body is shouting and screaming...and mind is creating story around it. Sigh!!!

I am working very hard to finish this course I am teaching knowing that it is my last course.  I have not much to offer these days to nursing students...being that I am no longer a "Registered" Nurse but I do have some hard earned writing wisdom I can share (as well as some hard earned life wisdom...sometimes they go together.:)) So it is fitting that the last course I teach in this context is Critical Reading and Persuasive Writing.

Anyway...I made a commitment to put in extra hours to assist my last bunch of nursing students to write a very good paper.  They wrote an emotional one together to keep them inspired and motivated on the rest of their professional journey. This task  required editing on my part and lots of extra hours but I felt it was important.  Now they are writing a technical paper and I made a commitment to review each draft before final submission...that is 24 papers and each review takes over an hour.  24 hours I am not getting paid for or rewarded for in any external way. Sigh!!! lol.  I want to uphold that commitment. I want to help.  I want to leave knowing that I did all I could to help.  That is my nature.  Pathological? Maybe.

It is not going smoothly. Body and mind are obstacles for me.  My arm throbs after a few minutes typing.  (There is something definitely going on in there.)  And the chest pain started yesterday.  I knew I was doing too much...but I ignored the "4" the "5", the "6" warnings and skipped right up into a 9 last night before bed so I could continue reviewing these student papers until late in the evening. It was bad but the whole mental thing goes on when I have it, you know?  "What's wrong with you?  They don't think there is anything wrong with you so stop it...suck it up...keep going...stop being such a wimp"  I have to get past all that before I will allow myself to take the nitro.  Well I did manage to weave my way through the mental chatter...the body was determined to be heard.  The pain  got really loud so I took the nitro and it worked on the first shot...thank goodness. As usually happens when I have these "clusters", I woke up with it again in the morning and took the nitro again...relief.

There is a little battle going on in me ...What do I listen to when spirit can't be heard? Body or mind?  Body won those two battles but if mind can't beat it, it joins it. It steps in to build story around the body.  "Crazy fool!  Look what you are doing. Chest pain again!  And you are all alone in this...you can't even tell anyone about it. No one is helping you with it...and here you are helping others.  What is wrong with you? You are allowing others to take advantage.  You must see yourself as valueless. etc etc" On and on and on it goes. Oh man.

On top of that I have family obligations.  Trying to get my daughter into university.  The residence fee was due yesterday and we put it off til the very last minute because I had no way to pay for it...had to use credit again.  Yuck! And issues with my son showed up.  I need to drive D.'s son today between the bouts of chest pain and I am worried about that.  All this while I review all these papers...It feels like  too much for my body and my mind.

Truth is...I am just tired of all the battling and struggling going on in me and around me. I am tired of the loss ( I am actually very sad about leaving the classroom).   And all I want is peace.  I would take the pain if I could do so peacefully.  :)  I would take the loss if I could do so peacefully. I would work myself to the bone if I could do so peacefully. This veil seems to be waving between me and the peace I want. Man I just want peace.

Anyway...I vented...and I will post today ...just to vent.  I will remove it tomorrow.
All is well.
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