Getting There

Your life situation exists in time.
Your life is now.
Your life situation is mind stuff.
Your life is real.
(Tolle, 2004, page 63)


Getting There?

Wow! Understanding the difference between life and life circumstance is the process of awakening. I can see that I am getting there...it has been a long challenging road but I am getting there.  As soon as I say that or write that...I am aware that I am creating a distorted mental image.  This idea implies  that waking up involves movement, a journey, a path to some unknown destination outside the self.

Waking up is just the opposite of that, isn't it?  Instead of movement, it requires stopping and stillness. Instead of doing, it requires Being.  Instead of noise and narration of the journey, it requires quiet and silence. Instead of getting to a destination "out there" it involves going "in here". And it is not an "unknown destination" we are seeking...we are simply going home. Most importantly, the process of waking up  doesn't require "seeking." It requires accepting what is and has always been.

Satori

So technically and literally...I am not getting there...I am and have always been here.  I am just coming to that realization.  I am just opening the eyes of the "inner body" and seeing that I am home so I can revel in the experience of being in that wonderful, loving and comfortable space. I am having moments of what the ancient Sanskrit refers to as "satori."  They are sweet and precious moments that take me away from over identification with life situation, and make me say out loud, "I am getting there" lol.  I guess, what I really should be saying is that I am becoming more and more aware of what is really important.  :)

Ego Resistance

Ego of course...does not want me going there (man...it's hard to put aside the "going somewhere" descriptions lol). It taunts and teases me. As the reminders of my external circumstances come into my mind and the fear of what will happen "when" settles into mine and my loved ones' thought processes...I get pulled away from the realization of home. I have to face the facts.

The facts are facts. Life situation is about to change dramatically. I will soon be without all that once defined me, all that I once believed protected me and kept me safe, that I thought gave my life purpose and meaning.  I will be jobless, title less, eventually houseless and for all extents and purposes penniless.

I will have no real means of living in the physical world in the way that is expected unless I depend heavily on others which my independent nature will not allow me to do. (D. wants to "rescue" me from this mess. I will, however, not make a true commitment from this place of "need".  It would not be fair to our relationship.) So I cannot really even begin to address the question, What will I do?

I am reminded of the premise of Lesson 128 in ACIM...The world I see holds nothing that I want.(ACIM: w-128,pg 233) It offer me comforting relief.

The only thing I can think to do...is nothing. That is a concept so foreign to my "old ego based self" and to most of the population, I am sure.  I can already hear, "Oh my God!  What are you going to do?  How are you going to live?" 

As long as I do not bring anyone down with me, it will be alright. I know the children will be okay...that's all that matters. They will have a place to go.  The rest, I will take as it comes. So if I were to answer other people's concerns with : "I will do nothing.  I will just allow it to be what it is.  I will simply continue to awaken." My answer will be deemed as irrational coming from a broken mind. I will be considered mentally incompetent and stuffed away somewhere.  (I joke with D. that at least there I will have shelter and food. )

The weird thing is...I don't feel like I am in dire straits though it may look that way to anyone who took the time to see where I was at. I don't feel the loss.  I don't feel anything but momentary pangs of fear here and there when ego gets busy in my head. I am realizing that I do not want any of this stuff anyway.  I don't need it other than for body survival...which, I know, is kind of important lol...but for some reason I am not worried.

I read this line today and it kind of explained what I was experiencing, This day we realized that what you feared to lose was only loss.(ACIM w-129:8:5,pg 236)

There is a world I want

I firmly believe that whatever I am doing is the right thing even though it looks so"crazy" from the outside. I want acceptance of what is which comes when I stop fighting my body and my life.  I allow my body to feel what it feels and do what it does ( or not do what I want it to do).  I just accept it where it is right now.  I accept the consequences of that as well.  Pushing myself to exhaustion in an attempt to prove to a world that "holds nothing that I want" that I can do and keep up to it is not acceptance.  It is not living. It takes me away from where I want to be.

Beyond this world there is a world I want. (ACIM-W-129, pg 235) I don't get there by "doing" anything...just by a willingness to be. I am not running away from reality in my attempt to wake up. I feel I am running into the only reality that matters.

I just trust, I guess, that the more I slip into Being, the more things will work out. So if I can use the phrase incorrectly one last time, "I am getting there..." .  I am becoming more conscious...

More consciousness means a lessening of the illusion of materiality. (Tolle;2004; page 123)

For what it is worth...I was well established on this journey (which really isn't a journey at all)toward embracing Life,   long before life situation changed.

All is well.

References

workbook ACIM: Combined Volume. Third Edition.

Tolle, E. (2004) The Power of Now. Novato: New World Library