Wrong again!

Sigh...I hate being wrong when it comes to my physical health for all kinds of reasons...but I know it is all ego based.  It is therefore very good for me when I am :)

The Personalities of Ego

I believe, that not only do I have an ego in  me...a little self that tries so hard to convince me that I am separate from the world, and at the mercy of those around me...I have two of them. Two egos?

Well I believe the ego in most of us is insane and mine is suffering from a dissociative disorder.  It has a split personality. :)  Sometimes it comes out as  Shamer ego...knocking me down and keeping me down with reminders of all the nasty things I am and all the wonderful things I will never be.  It reminds me constantly of the things I did wrong!

Other times Redeemer ego comes out of the recesses.  He does the opposite of Shamer. He  tries to build this idea of me up in the eyes of others with ways I  can compensate for losses, "be better" than someone else...or at least be proven right when Shamer was proven wrong. He gets me into so much trouble with his ceaseless need to "do", to "win", to  "own", to "gain" and to prove myself to this world that Shamer feels so inferior in.

I absolutely despise the both of them lol.  Shamer leaves me feeling the way I feel now but Redeemer never stops. He is too persistent for my liking.

Do you see where this is going yet?

Do you remember my little arm problem that I have been complaining about?

No fracture! 

I decided to ignore Shamer and listen to Redeemer. I spent way too much time thinking about this...and avoiding all the risks associated with the only way I would know for sure.  I had to pull up my Redeemer ego pants, push the voice of Shamer aside, take a deep breath and I had to go back in there!!!  lol.  And I did, if for no other reason than to get out of my head.  I was not going to stop thinking about this until an x-ray was done and a fracture was ruled out.  (But man...I am still not convinced...just too much pain 12 days after a fall to be just soft tissue....did I say that Redeemer was pretty persistent. lol)) 

Anyway...the poor doctor assured me it was not broke because I could pronate and supinate ( hurts to supinate) but I looked at her and out it came, "I don't care!  I want an X-ray!"  (In my mind I was thinking...could be a hairline fracture or a longitudinal one...I would be able to make those movements then and I didn't wait eight hours for a "just a bruise" diagnosis).  So ...I was hell bent on not being dismissed.   I am not sure from where it came...the place of Being or the place of  being frustrated and p###$# off lol.   ...but I was assertive and I got my x-ray!

The results were negative. She came back in to tell me basically that it was "just a bruise". Ugh!!! One thing Redeemer ego cannot stand is to be called "wimp" and I feel I have just been called one...big time! Ego is really getting quite the tuning , isn't it?

And I, now just a red faced Shamer ego,  had to walk out of there with my tail between my legs....again!  All those doctors which were branded and herded together to become the "they" in my health care dilemma won again.  "They" 2,899,000,000...me ( my ego)  0...well maybe 3 lol....oh the shame.

My True Self...however, takes no score. It is not one bit interested in who is right and who is wrong, who calls themselves the doctor and who calls themself the patient, if the arm was  fractured or just bruised, and if my ego got slapped around or not.  It sees no battling personalities  in my mind.  It is beyond all that stuff. It just is.  I want to be "just is" lol

 Man!  There has to be some big learning in this.    I will get to that later.