Waking Up in a Busy World: No spotlight for Maternal Ego

Bitter sweet, is how I would describe this experience I am having now, as my daughter graduates high school.

As I tramp around after her in her long prom gown snapping terrible shots (I will explain later)...pull out her pic to give people, put up her grad sign in my front yard and get ready for the Baccalaureate service today...I feel overwhelmed with this feeling. I am so proud, so very, very happy for her, so relieved I was able to support her this far and...and I feel so very sad. She is my youngest and it is hard to let her go...even though she is not "mine" and I never owned her to have the right to imply I get to let her go anyway lol...To release my ego hold on her is hard; to put aside any "idea" of my maternal right to her is challenging.

And ego absolutely loves it!!!  Milestones in the life of children can cause a strange reaction in parents, mothers especially. This is what I call the maternal ego and it can be nasty and confusing, going back and forth between filling me up with a bunch of garbage about how well I did as a mother to how awful I am as one.

Maternal ego goes from a place of redemption..."Oh look at how well she turned out. That's because of you. Look how beautiful she is...your genes (okay...ego doesn't mind stretching things when it is on a roll lol). "

...to a place of shaming:" You were never like other moms, were you? You had different priorities. She had to live in this house that you let go...you should have done better there...sucked it up and got it done...always making excuses, weren't ya? Were you there for her enough? You were so wrapped up in what was happening around you, to you and to your body for so long...did you give her enough? Were you present enough? Did you teach her enough?    Were you a good enough mother? A good enough mother would have sucked it up! Would never have mentioned she was not well and kept going....staid with her job no matter how bad she felt and kept the house clean and tidy for her anyway. Now what are you going to do about her future...how on earth are you going to help her get through university? "

Back to redeeming me..."Look how happy she is, how many friends she has, how the camera just loves her especially when she is laughing and smiling. That can't be faked. You taught her what was important. She is kind...you gave her that. She loves her family...you taught her that."

...and then back to shaming. Last night I awoke in a middle of some wicked hot flashes to, "She is embarrassed about her posture in those pics...maybe she has scoliosis and you missed it...now she is 18 and what can be done about it? See...you were not aware enough. You were not a good mother. she will suffer forever because of your neglect!"

Ego is so wicked lol. I know I am tired, still reeling from giving up things in my personal life besides her, confused, very menopausal, stressed and very, very ego prone. So I am like a prime target for shame especially. :) Regardless if it is Shamer or Redeemer filling my head...it doesn't matter. The thing is ...this is not about 'little me' is it? Not at all.

Why do we always see life events through the perspective of me even in the maternal role ?

When I step back and remind myself of that, I find my mental drama funny to watch. So very silly. Last night, in my head, I had her walking off the stage with her diploma right on to an orthopedic surgeon's table. How desperate was ego to create that nonsense? Don't get me wrong...I will get her spine checked and work on posturing but the rest is just senseless drama created by an ego, seeing an opening on the stage to jump in on. From there it wants the spotlight. Whether it be villain, damsel in distress or heroine...doesn't matter. As long as it has the light. :)

I won't let ego have the spotlight. It goes back on my girl...not "my" girl...but this beautiful young woman who is an amazing expression of Life longing for itself!

This poem helps:

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For Life goes not backward or tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might so that the arrows may go swift and far.