There is a natural give and take in the course of every human life. Each human being has authentic and non authentic needs, ... You begin to learn to give and take as you begin to work through an understanding of what your real needs are, and learn to compromise and give and transcend those parts of yourself that are not genuine or do not enhance your development.
Gary Zukav, page 207-208
I love looking deeply into my mind and my behaviours to understand "why?"...Why I think the way I do, why I feel the way I do, why I speak or write the way I do, and why I act the way I do. Why?
Why do I write?
I especially like to examine my writing motivation. I often ask, out loud, why I come here to write everyday when ego is so resistant , fearing my topic matter will expose me as some quirky want a be that will never be taken seriously as a writer. I ask why I feel so compelled at times to sit down and let a poem slip out of me , exposing myself like a woman giving birth in front of the general public.
It is not just the writing of this blog or of poetry I question. I don't know why I write anything I write anymore really? I "think" I have some sound reason for starting a project but it seldom goes as planned. I am all over the place with my latest book/proposal. I am not sure what I want it to do with it. I tore the original up and began again at a different angle. I sit down with the newer version now and do up some semblance of an outline but then I find myself going in one direction, then another, back to the first. It is crazy...it is all so crazy.
Authentic Need
Yet, I couldn't stop writing if I tried. If I lost all my fingers in some freak gardening accident ( trying to picture how that might happen ..attacked maybe by a bunch of disgruntled and mutant worms that grew teeth...not so easy to imagine but at the same time I know, with my luck these days,anything is possible. lol ) ...I would still write, with the stubs where my fingers were or with my elbows or my toes. With my nose, if I had too. I would find a way. ...because I need to write! Writing is a need so great in me, so natural and innate , it is like breathing. I may be a heavy , sloppy and noisy breather but I still need to breathe. And I don't breathe so people will recognize me, applaud me, pay me lol. I don't breathe so I feel better about who I erroneously think I am, puffing up an ego that is nothing more than in my way. I breathe because I need air.
As far as the poetry goes...have you ever stopped a baby from coming out of you when you are at the pushing part of your labour? Impossible! It comes out. I am just some type of surprised surrogate who has no idea she is pregnant until late in her labour. This tells me that writing is a process of creativity, of soul expression. The written stuff comes from a deeper place and I cannot help sometimes but to bow my head and show reverence for this process ( not necessarily the poems lol. I am not saying they should be revered, just the process). It is truly amazing.
The Nonauthentic Needs of Ego
Writing is an authentic need for me. I know that. I honour that. Yet, the artificial needs still pop up and try to get in the way.My egoic mind still says, "Write poetry? Are you nuts? Who writes poetry any more? Who reads poetry besides you and why on earth are you showing the whole bare naked process to the world when you are not even sure what will come out of your private, meant to be hidden, parts...a grossly deformed baby or a half good looking one. You will just be laying it all out there when you pop out a poem on your site. And for what, you crazy nut? There will be no money, no recognition or societal success. There will be no rewards."
This is where my true learning comes in.
Know yourself deeply and clearly enough to recognize what is a legitimate need of you as a human being and of you as that part of yourself that has created needs for certain other reasons-such as to gain external notice, or prestige, or to become a distinguishable individual. page 209
A Barrier to What I Truly Want and Need
When I reflect on this, I know ego is still lurking around the background of my writing experience trying to get me to pursue what it feels it needs from my writing: recognition, praise, money and success. I still go there sometimes. But I also see these are all adopted, artificial and nonauthentic needs, creating a barrier between me and what I really, really want and need...a connection to that which inspires me to write: my soul, my Deeper "I", my true Self, my higher consciousness...whatever you wish to call it.
Getting recognized and paid are just "add ons" and if they come (and if I am ready to deal with them without getting lost)...great. If they don't come my way, that is okay too...because I know that they are not what I really need from my writing. I want and need air.
All is well!
Gary Zukav ( 1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York:Simon and Schuster
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