Try not to become a man of success, but rather a man of value.
Albert Einstein
The Experiment
About thirty days ago, I committed to an experiment in asking for and seeing if I would manifest a certain change for the better in my "external" life. At the time I was questioning...is my life circumstance so challenging because of karma or because of some negative core beliefs I keep fulfilling? Can I experience something less challenging, maybe even pleasurable, by changing my thinking and core beliefs ?
I decided to put an "I can and I will" in that SC mind of mine and to use this as an example of my inner mental power to change the course of my life. There was one area in particular that I would ask to see improve as part of this experiment. I told myself if ("when") I "achieved" that, than it would be a sign that we can consciously affect change in our external worlds for the better through "asking", "expecting" the universe to want to give and then letting go of the details. Hmm!
I had in my mind what this "achievement" would look like, how it would feel...I was specific about the desired outcome I would use as proof. I meditated, I self hypnotized going into the subconscious mind to change beliefs and I did Yoga Nidra using a Sankalpa . Hmmm! It did not come to fruition.
Mr. Squeezy
Now through this month of experimenting, I noticed a great deal of "tension " in my body and mind as I was working on something I thought would become, the fruit of this labor and direction, my sign. I didn't want to specify this thing as the one true thing (just a possible representation of it) but somehow it seemed to become it. My "effort" was met with unpleasant mental resistance and this strange feeling in my body from my left shoulder all the way down to the left side of my pelvis...like there was some visible hand squeezing my shoulder and pushing me down....whenever I sat down to work on this. There was inspiration sure...beautiful inspiration and pull but this shadow entity , "Mr. Squeezy "I will call him , would seem to come in and block the light ...and I would suddenly get uptight, tense, like I was pushing against a wall, confused about what step to to take next, doubting, doubting, doubting that this or anything I did like it would be successful in the way I wanted it to be. I could not see success in this area. The "work" instead of flowing easily to fruition like I intended it would became challenging and uncomfortable rather than easy.
Just Didn't Do it right?
Hmmm! Now many would say I did not manifest because my core belief in my inability to manifest was in play, interfering with the flow of the universe. Possibly. Some might say I was just unlucky or cursed with bad karma? Possibly. They might say I expected too much and was too impatient. Possibly. They might say that my core belief about my lack of abilities in this area blocked the flow. Possibly. They might say that my core belief in my unworthiness to receive or achieve is much greater than my belief that I can, and that interfered . Possibly. They might say that my vibrational energies were too low ( i.e. I was negative) so I could not match the energy of Source. Possibly They might say I didn't try hard enough or put the right amount and kind of effort into the process. Possibly. They might say I ws too unfocused, trying to do too many things at once. Possibly. They might say that what I was working on was not what soul wanted me to work on. Possibly. They might say I did not let go enough like I was supposed to, that I was "striving", trying to manipulate and control the process instead of trusting Life to take care of it. Possibly. They might say that this manifesting stuff is just a bunch of woo-woo crap. Possibly. Others out there, if they were watching, might say a lot of things in order to explain why I did not manifest my intention. Now all this is very possible but it does not answer my original question.... can I actually change my external circumstances for the better and should I be putting my attention there, does it?
So today, I happened across another dharma talk from Plum Village that seemed to speak to this in a round about way. The dharma teacher, now a Buddhist monk, relayed the story of how, as a composer of music prior to becoming a monk, he spent a great deal of his life waiting to achieve a certain success" in his creative field. He studied hard, he worked hard, he practiced hard and he put so much effort and time in, in order to get to this moment when he would "achieve" this...when he would know he was manifesting his dreams. Hmmm. When the day came, when he was finally standing on stage receiving the applause and recognition he felt would mark this achievement...the great momentary pleasure that filled him began to dissipate as quickly as it arose. He had this realization that the happiness received from such an achievement, what we call success, would not sustain him. He could see how addictive it was...how grasping and clinging for such success could be problematic. It could be like a drug whose high would only last for a short period of time, leading him to seek more and more at the detriment of his mental, emotional and physical well being.
Chasing the dragon.
At the time I took on this experiment, I was looking for such a high. I felt I needed it. Heck! I felt I deserved it after all the stress I have been dealing with. I thought the pleasure of success would numb my pain at least a little bit. I was actually attempting to manifest this thing in my life cuz I wanted to numb from everything else. I did not look at the cause and effect of wanting this or the cause and effect of attempting to achieve it. I was not looking inward for the solutions to perceived problems. I was looking outward. I was focusing on changing something up there, in the future. I did not question enough if this "achievement" would truly make me successful in terms of what I really need and want? If I were to achieve this thing, I did not think through enough but later realized ...I would just need more and more and more. I would have to do more and more and more. I would be chasing a high I would never be able to keep or hang onto. Is that what I really, really want?
No...I do not want to spend the rest of my life directed by habit energy, chasing dragons. I do not want to live in some imaginary time, in some imaginary place that is not here and now. I know here and now is the only time I can truly live! Sure fantasizing and waiting for something better brings hope...but hope does not sustain. Happiness, satisfaction with what is already in my Life , contentment, peace, appreciation for what is...sustains. I really want to get that so I need to stop chasing highs that do not last.
It is not mere coincidence that I stumbled across this video on the ending of the experiment's time frame. I am being shown what success really is and where it can be found...not in the achievement of some future external dream but by finding inner satisfaction with what the present moment holds.
Maybe the "Mr Squeezy" reaction I have been getting as I work on this project is just the gentle arms of Karma on my shoulder, holding me in place, reminding me that I just have to be right here , right now , whispering to me that I already have everything I need to do that happily. That is true success.
All is well!
Plum Village ( May, 2017) Celebrating Our Awakening/ Dharma Talk by Brother Phap Linh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP0Xrl5Bx7A
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