If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.
The Buddha
How can we love if at first we do not know how to love ourselves.
Br. Phap Huu ( missing accents)
A Body Reminder to Care About Self
I have been feeling a little overwhelmed by everything that has been happening around me lately. And my body is manifesting that sense of overwhelm. I noticed on Thursday when I was helping my daughter with a very stressful and physically demanding task, and again yesterday when I was playing with my grand daughter out in the snow, that I am having more cardiac symptoms than I have had in a long while. I am so fatigued and Short of Breath, to the point of dizziness, on exertion. There is a pretty persistent pressure in my chest and occasionally pain in my left forearm when I am active. Though there has always been a very audible "click"(quite benign) from a misbehaving mitral valve , that I could hear so clearly in my left ear , the more serious murmur associated with it was not often heard. Now I hear the "whooshing" in my ear all the time indicating that that poor old floppy valve could be losing its adaptive power. I should have been expecting this, I suppose. I was told by surgeons years ago that I would probably need a repair or a replacement in my 60's but 60 always seemed so far away and "probably" was not "definitely". Besides, I had since then moved away from a physical focus to a deeper one when it comes to healing the body and mind. The mind became my focus. I had convinced myself that if I dealt with the PTSD, and used suffering to awaken, the heart would not be a significant issue...The real issue issue will always be the mind, which includes my understanding this physical and emotional response to trauma I had all my life. I felt like I was getting somewhere...able to do yoga an hour a day, to walk, to dance around with the babies. I was truly convinced that since I no longer had to deal with the extra physical and mental stress of work....my heart issue would become completely obsolete.
I was healing. I have healed tremendously...but Life keeps doing what Life does and whether I am paying off some karmic debt or if this is all just random coincidence...the stressors keep piling on top of me ( perception only). Lately my mind has been a little overwhelmed by it all. The energy of my body is simply following the energy of my mind. I feel drained but I don't stop at those times. These symptoms no longer scare me. What they could lead to no longer scares me either. It simply is what it is. I have very little fear over what my body might do. So very little fear of death. At the same time recognizing this sense of "physical" overwhelm and my tendency to ignore it as much as I can so I can assist or bring joy to others, made me ask, "Why don't you honor and care for this body, this mind, as much as you do for others? Why don't you feel the same amount of compassion for this idea of "self" as you do for others and their ideas of "self"?"
Inter-being and Compassion
I listened to Br Phap Huu today when he gave dharma talks in 2017 on being at home. He spoke near the end of one his talks about inter being...how someone else's wellness, joy, or achievement is our wellness, joy and achievement. I agreed so much, seeing that in myself. And then he went on to say that our wellness, joy and achievement is someone else's. Then I had an aha moment. Though I feel the joy or suffering of others so acutely, believing whole heartedly that that is the way it is suppose to be, I do not view my wellness or my suffering as having any value to others. My suffering does not seem to be that important so I don't have the same compassion for myself as I do for other beings. Hmm!
Inter-being includes Self, and Compassion must include Self too. Hmm!
All is well!
Having compassion begins and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections we didn't even want to look at.
Pema Chodron
Plum Village (August, 2017) Taking Care of Ourselves First/ dharma Talk with Br. phap Huu. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0OF3X6aEwo
Plum Village ( December, 2017) Being at Home, Enriching Our Practice/Dharma Talk with Br. Phap Huu.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cHfgCSIB78
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