Tis healthy to be sick sometimes.
Henry David Thoreau
Recovering from COVID. It hit me harder than I ever imagined it would. In fact, I was so sure I would not get it and if I did , I told myself, it would be very mild. So I busied myself looking after those who who were ill in my household and probably did not take the precautions I could have. I got it.
Maybe I am just a wimp lol, but I could not call what I had mild. My immune system, I believe, has been on the back burner while I dealt with the few crisis' that have landed on my lap recently. I was exhausted. So...my body responded very strongly to the virus when it entered. What others would have experienced as mild cold symptoms was not my experience. Fever, chills, sweats, digestive issues , body aches, fatigue, palpitations, SOB on the least bit of exertion, dizziness, cough and cold symptoms like runny nose and eyes was my experience. After seven days, I just have the cough, runny nose and eyes. The fatigue lingers.
Now I am not telling you this to complain or whine but as another example of some learning. Don't you ever wonder why we get sick when we get sick? Like what the real reason is? I see so much learning reminders when I attempt to understand why I got sick:
- Caught a virus that many people had: that is self explanatory, right?
- Reactivity: This was a reminder to me of how connected body and mind are and how "reaction" impacts both. The body responds to the mind and if the mind is "reacting" to life circumstance with any amount of resistance the body will react as well. The body got sick because the mind was reacting to life circumstance. I had a few crisis to deal with. Though, I was well on my way to responding from higher awareness, I slipped away from this greater understanding I, as the deeper Self was grasping , to little me "reactivity" at the physical and mental level. That is how we evolve I believe...taking a few steps forward (responding from Self), slipping (reacting from ego), observing how we are reacting, choosing a better way, getting back up, taking another few steps (responding from Self) , another slip backwards (reacting from ego) etc etc until all we do is respond.
- Stress Effect on the well being of the body: My body and mind, as "little me" seeing itself on the level of form, as consumed by problems, was "stressed" and my body concerned more about "fight or flight" pushed aside the body functioning it did not feel like it needed to keep itself running or fighting, like immunity. I became a vulnerable potential host. The body got sick. This is a reminder that I am touching the fringes of the exhaustion stage of the General Adaptation Syndrome.
- Core beliefs: Now I have a really mixed up set of core beliefs when it comes to illness...I have some of the basic core beliefs about illness, many of us have. I believe I am susceptible to illness. ...but...I also believe I will get sicker than most people because I deserve to be punished but I also believe I will never be able to convince others of how sick I really am. I will, therefore, never receive the basic consideration and recovery time others, more deserving, will receive. I also believe, that others are right about me, if they tell me I am not sick even though I feel sick. So I do not trust my symptoms and overly depend on objective measures that prove to me and others that I am indeed ill when ill. To prevent any judgement from others...like being called a lair, or a hypochondriac etc, I also believe, I must down play my symptoms or not share how ill I feel. Obviously, I am working on these core beliefs because I am telling you and others that I am ill. The core beliefs are still impacting on this experience though. I still do not trust my symptoms and question if I am really as sick I think I am. I do not have any faith that you or others will believe that I am ill (which in a round about way is a very positive thing...helping with dismantling this universal limiting belief that we are all susceptible to illness) . I was so convinced that my test result would be negative...again as proof of my "lying". And was shocked when it came back positive. My getting sick the way I got sick and the unique experience I had with it is definitely impacted by my core beliefs.
- Sense of confusion as I awaken: Man, I have been writing here about how confused I am about so many things I am learning and questioning like the power of my thoughts and beliefs on what I experience; who I really am- like who is getting sick? ; and karma and everything else I am learning. I am at a very challenging part of this awakening where I am not sure about anything and what I was once sure of is no more. I often feel "down" as a result. "Hope" no longer works to get me through because hope is a future orientated thing and I am choosing to experience Life now. I am not the self I once thought I was...so man its confusing, existentially so. I have added that existential crisis to the physical world crisis' I have been dealing with, which have been piling up adding to the stress I have been experiencing. ..therefore exhaustion...therefor...my susceptibility to illness.
- Karma: Maybe it is just karma. Karma is just cause and effect right? The cause: Coronovirus, people I am living with out and about maybe not taking enough precautions; my experience of "stress", my acting on a belief that other people's needs are more important than my own and my confusion . The effect: Me getting sick and having this experience. The lesson to be learned: (Karma is here to teach us about responsibility, right?): The virus is still around-be careful, I need to set limits and stuff within my household; I need to look deeply into my experience of "stress"; I need to look deeply into and dismantle core beliefs that are not serving self or others; I need to focus some of that compassion and love I direct to others towards Self; and I need to continue learning, letting go and awakening (The fog of confusion will eventually lift)
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