Stuckness and Doing

 If you are doing all that you can to your fullest ability as well as you can, there is nothing else that is asked of the soul.

Gary Zukav

Doing

I have been thinking about "doing" again.  Of course, my primary goal these days is to establish a Life of "being"...being in this moment, being aware, being clear and wise, being responsible, being loving and compassionate, and being aligned with what the deeper part of me needs. That truly, truly is my main objective in Life.  Yet, I still think about "doing".  

Stuck!

Last night I caught myself looking around at my so called life and saying, "WTF(fork) ? You are in such a rut!  You are stuck!  And you are attracting other people and circumstances into your living situation that are also stuck.  You are surrounding yourself in stuckness. You are not "doing" enough with this precious Life you have been given.  Where is the adventure?  The joy? The travel? The service? The reaching out to others?  The laughter, that you so miss? You barely leave the house.  You are spending up to eight hours a day in front of your books or computer. Sure you are learning and that is important but what are you doing with that learning...you know the deal with learning is  the writing and teaching, right?  You are doing that yes but to whom?  Where are your readers, your students? You are not getting the learning out there!  Your writing is all over the place. You are not connecting with nature the way you so love to do. You don't visit the woods much anymore (in all fairness to this thing I call "myself", since COVID I had not the physical energy to be pulled by three hyper dogs through the trails or to chase after them should I let them off-leash.  So I have reduced my outdoor experience to walking around my yard).  You have not picked up your camera in months!  You have even reduced your yoga practice and have not had a class in over a month. When is the last time you had a face to face conversation with someone outside your household?   Man...lady...you are so broke and need to make money.  You have others dependent on you again.  Get your act together.  Get out there!  "Do" something!!!" 

Who Is Stuck? Ego or Soul?

It shocked me to have that revelation.  And I am not sure where that voice came from.  Was it my ego reprimanding me for not following its program?  Or was it spirit, reminding me of the contract to act like a human being while here? I don't know.  I really don't. I was just overwhelmed by this idea that I was stuck and not expanding in the way I was meant to.  This energy of "stuckness'', I know,  is partially responsible for the situations I am encountering in my life, my relationships and my sense of imbalance between personality and soul need. It is affecting everyone around me.  It is affecting what happens with my creations.  I do write for the sake of writing but that which I write may not be flowing where it is meant to flow....blocked by this energy of stuckness. Hmmm! 

This sense of stuckness brings about a feeling of reactivity,  heaviness and fear marked by periods of boredom, irritation and even anger.  Tolle explains this is often what propels us toward the question: "What can I do to make me feel a little better?" (finding Your Life's Purpose.) Doing...becomes a compelling desire in hope that it will  make us feel better.

No Reactive Doing!

Of course,  "doing" re-actively is not the answer to this experience of being stuck. Maybe I do have to do more but only after I check in with "soul" and get a little more clarity on this matter.  Is soul stuck or is it just the outer shell of me stuck, like a garment caught by a thread  on something as it slips off? I need more clarity. 

Clarity is the ability to see the soul in action in the physical world. It results from choosing to learn through wisdom instead of  through fear and doubt..  Zukav, page 218

Then I can respond with inspired and wise  action or attempts to change my external environment, if they are required. 

Yes being is so important.  My goal to move towards the Deeper part of Self, the still spaciousness of awareness is worthwhile. To do that  I need to look deeply into and through  my emotional experience here and ask , "What is it my soul needs right now?" 

It gets tricky cause ego is so determined to get  its needs met.  Those needs are often very different from those of my soul. Sometimes, however, I can not tell the difference...and I really do not know if Soul that is trying to tell me that I am not "doing enough" with my life, or ego.  I only want to listen to soul. 

I need to think a little more on this.

All is well in my world. 

Eckhart Tolle/Meditation (March, 2022) Finding Your Life's purpose. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tj5hyLytsIY

Gary Zukav (1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster

 

Though I write to write and see all other effects as "add ons" should they come my way, I still have the desire for publication. .  Not sure if I am being  hypocritical after what I wrote earlier today.  Publication is not an authentic need but a harmless desire as long as I do not write for that reason, right?  Hmmm ! On a mission to send some poetry out there into the big scary world.  Will see what happens.

All is well! 

Projecting Suffering Into Violence

 

Human nature is complex.  Even if we have inclinations toward violence, we also have inclination to  empathy, to cooperation, to self control. 

Steven Pinker

Question 44: How do we deal with suffering that is projected into violence? 

All is well. 

Writing and Authentic Versus Nonauthentic Needs

 There is a natural give and take in the course of every human life.  Each human being has authentic and non authentic needs, ...  You begin to learn to give and take as you begin to work through an understanding of what your real needs are, and learn to compromise and give and transcend those parts of yourself that are not genuine or do not enhance your development. 

Gary Zukav, page 207-208

I love looking deeply into my mind and my behaviours to understand "why?"...Why I think the way I do, why I feel the way I do,  why I speak or write the way I do, and  why I act the way I do. Why? 

Why do I write? 

I especially like to examine my writing motivation.  I often ask, out loud, why I come here to write everyday when ego is so resistant , fearing my topic matter  will expose me as some quirky want a be that will never be taken seriously as a writer.  I ask why I  feel so compelled at times to sit  down and let a poem slip out of me , exposing myself like a woman giving birth in front of the general public. 

It is not just the writing of this blog or of poetry I question. I don't know why I write anything I write anymore really?  I "think" I have some sound reason for starting a project but it seldom goes as planned.  I am all over the place with my latest book/proposal.  I am not sure what I want it to do with it.  I tore the original up and began again at a different angle.  I sit down with the newer version now and do up some semblance of an outline but then I find myself going  in one direction, then another, back to the first.  It is crazy...it is all so crazy. 

Authentic Need

Yet, I couldn't stop writing if I tried.  If I lost all my fingers in some freak gardening accident ( trying to picture how that might happen ..attacked maybe by a bunch of disgruntled and mutant worms that grew teeth...not so easy to imagine  but at the same time I know, with my luck these days,anything  is possible. lol ) ...I would still write,  with the stubs  where my fingers were or with my elbows or my toes. With my nose, if I had too.  I would find a way. ...because I need to write!  Writing is a need so great in me, so natural and innate , it is like breathing. I may be a heavy , sloppy and noisy breather but I still need to breathe.  And I don't breathe so people will recognize me, applaud me, pay me lol.  I don't breathe so I feel better about who I erroneously think I am, puffing up an ego that is nothing more than in my way. I breathe because I need air. 

As far as the poetry goes...have you ever stopped a baby from coming out of you when you are at the pushing part of your labour? Impossible! It comes out. I am just some type of surprised surrogate who has no idea she is pregnant until late in her labour.  This tells me that writing is a process of creativity, of  soul expression.  The written stuff  comes from a deeper place and I cannot help sometimes but to bow my head and show reverence for this process ( not necessarily the poems lol.  I am not saying they should be revered, just the process). It is truly amazing. 

The Nonauthentic Needs of Ego 

Writing is an authentic need for me. I know that.  I honour that. Yet, the artificial needs still pop up and  try to  get in the way.My egoic mind still  says, "Write poetry?  Are you nuts?  Who writes poetry any more? Who  reads poetry besides you and why on earth are you showing the whole bare naked process to the world when you are not even sure what will come out of your private, meant to be hidden, parts...a grossly deformed baby or a half good looking one. You will just be laying it all out there when you pop out a poem on your site.   And for what, you crazy nut?  There will be no money, no recognition or societal success.  There will be no rewards."

This is where my true learning comes in. 

Know yourself deeply and clearly enough to recognize what is a legitimate need of you as a human being and of you as that part of yourself that has created needs for certain other reasons-such as to gain external notice, or prestige, or to become a distinguishable individual.   page 209

A Barrier to What I Truly Want and Need

When I reflect on this, I know ego is still lurking around the background of my writing experience trying to get me to pursue what it feels it needs from my writing: recognition, praise, money and success. I still go there sometimes. But I also see these are all adopted, artificial and nonauthentic needs, creating a barrier between me and what I really, really want and need...a connection to that which inspires me to write: my soul, my Deeper "I", my true Self, my higher consciousness...whatever you wish to call it. 

Getting recognized and paid are just "add ons" and if they come (and if I am ready to deal with them without getting lost)...great.  If they don't come my way, that is okay too...because I know that they are not what I really need from my writing. I want and need air.

All is well! 

Gary Zukav ( 1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York:Simon and Schuster

Are You Sure?

 Are you sure?

Thich Nhat Hanh

Are you sure there is nothing more than this? That what your five senses pick up is all there is to reality?  That for something to be real it has to be visible or something you can hold in your hands? Are you sure?

Are you sure that you are just a body with a mind? That your personality adequately describes all that you are? Are you sure?

Are you sure that your life is measured by what what you do?  That you need to be productive and successful by society's terms in order to have had a successful life?  Are you sure? 

Are you sure that death is the end of you and all you are?  That there is nothing of you  that continues after your body dies?  Are you sure? 

Are you sure this physical plane is all there is? That there is nothing deeper? Greater? Grander? Are you sure?

Are you sure that the events of your life create all your problems or lack of?  That you are a victim to meaningless, random incidents?  Are you sure? 

Are you sure that everything I have written here to date, and all the teachings I have picked up from teachers over the years and shared with you, is  just woo-woo nonsense? That there is absolutely no truth to what we have to say? Are you sure?

"Are you sure?",  is a question we all should have on placard at our desks, on a sticky note on our mirrors or on our license plate. It is a question we should ask ourselves 100 times a day.

What are we sure of?  Absolutely nothing at all.  

I don't know anything.  I really don't.  I am just, at this point, beginning to "feel" my way through Life rather than analyze my way through it.  I know nothing.  I am sure of nothing!  And that is perfectly okay with me. My mind is open to all possibilities and my heart will do the understanding.

All is well

Inspired by

Plum Village (June, 2019) Science and Spirituality Hand in Hand / Neuroscience Retreat with Br. Phap Linh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY946jZdFPg

Anxiety and Thinking

 My anxiety doesn't come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it. 

Hugh Prather

Question 43: What is the relationship between anxiety and thinking? 

All is well. 

What The Piano Player Needs

 

The body [and mind] is the instrument of the soul. If the piano player is sick, does it help to repair his or her piano? ...In some cases, a broken instrument can be repaired, but a repair at that level cannot cure what caused the breakdown. Gary Zukav Page 175

Learning from A Coughing Fit

Yesterday, in the grocery store I had a coughing fit.  My body has always had  a very dramatic cough reflex that gets activated when I have a virus. When it starts I know it will last for about ten to fifteen minutes.  There seems to be nothing I can do to stop it once it starts.  I  will have to cough and cough until I am literally blue in the face.  I will gasp for air in between each cough. I mean, I struggle to breathe at those times. I have to bend over.  I will often vomit. I won't be able  to speak or explain to others what is going on etc. It is not pretty and often very scary for people to watch.  It can be scary for me too. I absolutely hate when it happens in front of other people.   What I have done in the past is st run to some quiet secluded spot, usually the bathroom, so I could allow the coughing fit to do what it was going to do without my permission anyway, in private  and let it run its course. 

Well it started over the produce aisle yesterday when my daughter and I were shopping. It surprised me because  I thought I had recovered enough to go to the store at least.   It came on quite quickly and dramatically like it often does.  I panicked. My daughter could not understand what was going on and I did not have the breath to tell her.  I knew I had to leave the store and find a secluded spot.  This need to seclude myself was even more important. With the COVID anxiety all around, this type of coughing is not something one wants to display in a  public place. Yet I couldn't tell her what was going on. She, and my sister in law, who just happened up the aisle,  could see me fighting for breath and  changing colour and knew something was up.  I ran out of the store to the car.  It got bad enough for me to call D. to tell him in some barely spoken way between the coughing and the gasping to come which he did. By the time he arrived it had stopped and my breath was returning to normal. I was absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day. 

This incident  took the wind out of me and it took a great deal of positive energy out of me.  I began to worry about what my body was doing.  For a moment, I even wondered if  my time was coming and mentally checked to see if I had my affairs in order. I wondered if I would be one of those COVID patients that ended up on a ventilator.  All this from a coughing fit, that had little to do with COVID, and more with how my body responds to a cough. 

Just a Random Body Thing? 

"You just got COVID, crazy lady, like the majority of the population in this pandemic.  Let it go!  Get over it!  Stop making it into something, it isn't." I can hear my ego mind, the shamer part of it, chirping away as  write this. I would have agreed with this statement completely a decade ago, so body focused was my perspective.  I would have seen an ailing body as both the cause and effect of this experience. I mean, I would have reluctantly added on the mental variant as well because I have always been a student of the mind and would have  questioned the psychosomaticity of this. I would have pondered if it was primarily my mind or my body that "did this"to "me". In fact, I still very much see body and mind  as a part of my illness experience.

Without Meaning? 

However, I also see now too, so clearly, that physical and mental dysfunctions do not occur without meaning.  I was not one of the many to get this virus for no reason though it seems so random.  I do not have this crazy dramatic cough reflex for no reason either.  There is a meaning for all physical dysfunction. Sure, stress plays a significant part in physical illness and I have been mentally feeling "stressed". We can take it farther though. . I want to see and understand my experience beyond the level of body and mind.  I want to ask what my soul needs to be healthy 

Are the numerous ways that physical dysfunctions occur without meaning? Health for some people is a matter of the heart, for others a matter of what they can digest or eliminate in the course of their lives, for others a matter of the head, and for others a matter of being able to hear, or to see, or to move through their lives flexibly, or to stand on their own, or literally to handle the experiences of their lives. These are the issues that must be addressed directly and openly and honestly in the creation of health. Page 176

My instrument might seem to be sick with COVID because my mind is sick with "stress" but only because the player of both  is in need of something.  It is the soul that is crying out to be heard. Repairing my body and/or mind , without understanding what is ailing my soul, will do little good in the long run. 

I suggest now that we go beyond body and mind to understand what is truly needed for health.  What does the soul need? 

It is the health of the soul that is the true purpose of the human experience. Page 177

All is well. 

Gary Zukav ( 1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Yoga Beneath the Ripples

 Here is, in  truth, the whole secret of yoga, the science of the soul, the active turnings, the strident vibrations, of selfishness, lust and hate, are to be stilled by meditation, by letting heart and mind dwell in spiritual life, by lifting up the heart to the strong, silent life above, which rests in the stillness of eternal love, and needs no harsh vibration to convince it of its true being. 

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

(Is this the quote I originally put here?)

So many feelings in me these days.  Thank God...today I finally have the sense that I am being taken somewhere with all this confusion and chaos I have been experiencing lately.  I feel like after being stuck in an Eddy I am back in the flow.  Man I have no idea where I am going lol but I feel a certain confidence that I am going in the right direction...the one Life decides. Why?  I happened across a guided meditation today from Deepak Chopra on seven Sutras taken from Vedic and Yogic tradition.  Just listening to that I felt reconnected to what is really  important. I cried. Hmmm!

So much going on and I have been less than well physically that I got a little caught up and lost. The COVID was both a cause and an effect in my experience. You know, I have not done  so much as a round of salutations in a week and have not had a class in over two weeks.  I miss my yoga :) Well ...I miss the Hatha component. Yoga is such a part of who I am I can never be truly separated from it. Though, I have not been on the mat, I have still been practicing yoga with every conscious breath I take.  Every time I am aware I am breathing in and every time I am aware I am breathing out, I practice yoga.  Every time I close my eyes and sit with stillness I am practicing yoga.  Every time I become aware of my body experience as a witness of it, I am practicing yoga.  Every time I am aware I am in this body...yoga. Every time I am aware of the natural world around me ...yoga.  

The ripples in my mind just got in the way of me  seeing the Yoga that is there. 

All is well. 

Two spirits/One Soul ( July, 2017) Deepak Chopra- The Secret of  Healing Meditations and Transformation and Higher Consciousness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaiP9RARZDs

The Five C's of Writing for Writing's Sake

 

I write not for the sake of glory... but for the sake of my soul. 

Beth Nimmo

A few days ago I wrote about realizing that my  "intention" to manifest a certain success in my writing did not materialize and how my questions related to intention and abundance were not answered.  I didn't get a "sign" from the universe within the time frame I selected for my experiment.  Now what I failed to relay is how that proved to be a very positive thing for spirit even if it felt like a blow to the ego.  

Why was it a positive thing? It reminded me of what I really want. My intention is to write for and from the deeper part of Self.  Yet, ego often steps in looking to get fed by some idea of "success". This experiment showed me, I am still "hoping" , despite all my practice, for the external world to be different than it is. I was  hoping that some form of success or validation for my writing would change my financial, social, and emotional reality.  Most importantly, I was hoping  it would change the direction of  my mental energy flow.   I assumed if this type of success were to come, I would be able to call myself a "writer", feel productive by society's terms and maybe even make money to get me out of this hole I am in. Just "hoping" for that put a spring in my step. When it didn't happen, this bubble of hope I was riding on burst and I had to come down to earth. 

I always loved hope.  It was a word I grew up on.  Every spring my father would repeat again and again..."Spring brings new hope."  He taught us to live  with hope...when things were bad we were taught to  look to the future and dream about the "whens" that hope provides.  "When we get more money, we will get this, that or the other.  We will go there and do that." And we depended on that hope...putting all our eggs in one future basket. Hmm!  We were taught, so very innocently, to ignore, step over, push aside, and use the moment we were in. I don't want to push away this moment, I want to see the beauty in it. So whenever the hope bubble bursts I am reminded of that. 

The only way I am going to have any success as a writer is if I write now. And I do not have to wait until I am successful by society's terms to write.  I just have to write. In a dharma talk on right diligence, Brother Phap Lu'u teaches that there are five C's in ensuring our effort is used wisely for the good of our  spiritual growth.

Those five C's are: confidence, calm, clarity, concentration and courage.  I can apply this to writing for writing's sake. I did not manifest external writing success to date because...besides the fact it is not what I truly need or want ...I have been lacking a certain confidence in myself.  I know I can write but I am not sure I write well enough for publishers to pick me up.  I am not always calm when I am writing...sometimes I feel the pressure to follow every inspiration I get and I have a lot.  This leads me with a chaotic and unfocused approach and  feeling a bit overwhelmed and panicked to complete one of those tasks.  I lack clarity as to where best to focus my intention...so many projects on the go and I flitter and flutter from one to another...not sure what I should focus 100 percent of my concentration  on. And I lack the courage to be myself, knowing that my writing topic may not be what others care to read about. Sometimes I am afraid to put myself out there....to submit. This video made me reflect on the effort I put towards writing for Spirit's sake. 

Hmm!  Anyway, just thought I would share that. I am very much inspired to get back to my writing...not because of what I might achieve in terms of success but becasue I simply love to write.

All is well! 

Plum Village (Jan, 2017) Right Diligence Part 1-Brother Phap Lu'u https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxxUfArBNO8

Karma? Again?

 

Each moment of your life you perform action- physically, mentally, emotionally and energy-wise. Each action creates a certain memory.  This is karma.

Sadhguru

Question 42: What is Karma?

Karma means your life is your making. Karmic accumulation can either be a boost or a burden- that is your choice. 

Sadhguru

Sick?

 

Tis healthy to be sick sometimes.

Henry David Thoreau

Recovering from COVID.  It hit me harder than I ever imagined it would. In fact, I was so sure I would not get it and if I did , I told myself, it would be very mild. So I busied myself looking after those who who were ill in my household and probably did not take the precautions I could have. I got it.  

Maybe I am just a wimp lol, but I could not call what I had mild.  My immune system, I believe, has been on the back burner while I dealt with the few crisis' that have landed on my lap recently.  I was exhausted. So...my body  responded very strongly to the virus when it entered.  What others would have experienced as mild cold symptoms was not my experience.   Fever, chills, sweats, digestive issues , body aches, fatigue, palpitations, SOB on the least bit of exertion, dizziness, cough and cold symptoms like runny nose and eyes was my experience.  After seven days, I just have the cough, runny nose and eyes. The fatigue lingers.

Now I am not telling you this to complain or whine but as another example of some learning. Don't you ever wonder why we  get sick when we get sick? Like what the real reason is? I see so much learning reminders when I attempt to understand why I got sick:  

• Caught a virus that many people had: that is self explanatory, right? 
• Reactivity: This was a reminder to me of how connected body and mind are and how "reaction" impacts both.   The body responds to the mind and if the mind is "reacting" to life circumstance  with any amount of resistance the body will react as well.  The body got sick because the mind was reacting to life circumstance. I had a few crisis to deal with. Though, I was well on my way to responding from higher awareness,  I slipped away from this greater understanding I, as the deeper Self  was grasping , to little me  "reactivity" at the physical and mental level.  That is how we evolve I believe...taking a few steps forward (responding from Self), slipping (reacting from ego), observing how we are reacting, choosing a better way, getting back up, taking another few steps (responding from Self) , another slip backwards (reacting from ego) etc etc until all we do is respond. 
• Stress Effect on the well being of the body: My body and mind, as "little me" seeing itself on the level of form, as consumed by problems,  was "stressed" and my body concerned more about "fight or flight" pushed aside the body functioning it did not feel like it needed to keep itself running or fighting, like immunity.  I became a vulnerable potential host.  The body got sick.   This is a reminder that I am touching the fringes of the exhaustion stage of the General Adaptation Syndrome.   
• Core beliefs: Now I have a really mixed up set of core beliefs when it comes to illness...I have some of the basic core beliefs about illness, many of us have.  I believe I am susceptible to illness. ...but...I also believe I will get sicker than most people because I deserve to be punished but I also believe I will  never be able to convince others of how sick I really am.  I will, therefore, never receive the  basic consideration and recovery time others, more deserving, will receive.  I also believe, that others are right about me, if they tell me I am not sick even though I feel sick.  So I do not trust my symptoms and overly depend on objective measures that prove to me and others that I am indeed ill when ill. To prevent any judgement from others...like being called a lair, or a hypochondriac etc, I also believe, I must down play my symptoms or not share how ill I feel.  Obviously, I am working on these core beliefs because I am telling you and others that I am ill. The core beliefs are still impacting on this experience though. I still  do not trust my symptoms and question if I am really as sick I think I am. I do not have any faith that you or others will believe that I am ill (which in a round about way is a very positive thing...helping with dismantling this universal limiting  belief that we are all susceptible to illness) .  I was so convinced that my test result would be negative...again as proof of my "lying". And was shocked when it came back positive. My getting sick the way I got sick and the unique experience I had with it is definitely impacted by my core beliefs.
• Sense  of confusion as I awaken: Man, I have been writing here about how confused I am about so many things I am learning and questioning like  the power of my thoughts and beliefs on what I experience;  who I  really am- like who is getting sick? ;  and karma and everything else I am learning.  I am at a very challenging part of this awakening where I am not sure about anything and what I was once sure of is no more.   I often feel "down" as a result.  "Hope" no longer works to get me through because hope is a future orientated thing and I am choosing to experience Life now. I am not the self I once thought I was...so man its confusing, existentially so. I have added that existential crisis to the physical world crisis' I have been dealing with, which have been piling up adding to the stress I have been experiencing. ..therefore exhaustion...therefor...my susceptibility to illness.  
• Karma: Maybe it is just karma.  Karma is just cause and effect right?  The cause: Coronovirus, people I am living with out and about maybe not taking enough precautions; my experience of "stress", my acting on a belief that other people's needs are more important than my own and my confusion . The effect: Me getting sick and having this experience.  The lesson to be learned: (Karma is here to teach us about responsibility, right?):  The virus is still around-be careful, I need  to set limits and stuff within my household; I need to look deeply into my experience of "stress"; I need to  look deeply into and  dismantle core beliefs  that are not serving self or others;   I need to focus some of that compassion and love I direct to others towards Self; and I need to continue learning, letting go and awakening (The fog of confusion will eventually lift) 

Well that is what I learned from all that besides what type of tissues are easier on the nose, lol.

All is well.

The Greatest Quality

 We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Question 41: What is the greatest quality human's possess? 

All is well! 

Achieving True Success

 Try not to become a man of success, but rather a man of value.

Albert Einstein

The Experiment

About thirty days ago, I committed to an experiment in asking for   and seeing if I would manifest  a certain change for the better in my "external" life.  At the time I was questioning...is my life circumstance so challenging because of karma or because of some negative core beliefs I keep fulfilling? Can I  experience  something less challenging, maybe even pleasurable,  by changing my thinking and core beliefs ?  

I decided to put an "I can and I will" in that SC mind of  mine and to use this as an example of my inner mental power to change the course of my life. There was one area in particular that I would ask to see improve as part of this experiment.  I told myself if ("when") I "achieved" that,  than it would be a sign that  we can consciously affect change in our external worlds for the better  through "asking", "expecting" the universe to want to give and then letting go of the details. Hmm! 

I had in my mind what this "achievement" would look  like, how it would feel...I was specific about the desired outcome I would use as proof. I meditated, I self hypnotized going into the subconscious mind to change beliefs and I did Yoga Nidra using a Sankalpa . Hmmm! It did not come to fruition. 

Mr. Squeezy 

Now through this month of experimenting, I noticed a great deal of "tension " in my body and mind as I was working on something I thought would become,  the fruit of this labor and direction, my sign.  I didn't want to specify this thing as the one true thing  (just a possible representation of it) but somehow it seemed to become it. My "effort" was met with unpleasant mental resistance and this strange feeling in my body from my left shoulder all the way down to the left side of my pelvis...like there was some visible hand squeezing my shoulder and pushing me down....whenever I sat down to work on this.  There was inspiration sure...beautiful inspiration and pull but  this  shadow entity , "Mr. Squeezy "I will call him , would seem to come in and block the light ...and I would suddenly  get uptight, tense, like I was pushing against a wall,  confused about what step to  to take next, doubting, doubting, doubting that this or anything I did like  it  would be successful in the way I wanted it to be. I could not see success in this area. The "work" instead of flowing easily to fruition like I intended it would became challenging and uncomfortable rather than easy. 

Just Didn't Do it right?

Hmmm! Now many would say I did not manifest because my core belief in my inability to manifest was in play, interfering with the flow of the universe.  Possibly.  Some might say I was just unlucky or cursed with bad karma? Possibly. They might say I expected too much and was too impatient.  Possibly. They might say that my core belief about  my lack of  abilities in this area blocked the flow.  Possibly.  They might say that my core belief in my unworthiness to receive or achieve is much greater than my belief that I can, and that interfered .  Possibly. They might say that my vibrational energies were too low ( i.e. I was negative) so I could not match the energy of Source. Possibly They might say I didn't try hard enough or put the right amount and kind of effort into the process.  Possibly. They might say I ws too unfocused, trying to do too many things at once. Possibly. They might say that what I was working on was not what soul wanted me to work on.  Possibly. They might say I did not let go enough like I was supposed to, that I  was "striving", trying to manipulate and control the process instead of trusting Life to take care of it.  Possibly. They might say that this manifesting stuff is just a bunch of woo-woo crap.  Possibly. Others out there, if they were watching,  might say a lot of things in order to explain why I did not manifest my intention. Now all this is very possible but it does not answer my original question.... can I actually change my external circumstances for the better and should I be putting my attention there, does it?

So today, I happened across another dharma talk from Plum Village that seemed to speak to this in a round about way.  The dharma teacher, now a Buddhist monk, relayed the story of how, as a composer of music prior to becoming a monk, he spent a great deal of his life waiting to achieve a certain success" in his creative field.  He studied hard, he worked hard, he practiced hard and he  put so much effort and time in, in order  to get to this moment when he would "achieve" this...when he would know he was manifesting his dreams.  Hmmm. When the day came, when he was finally standing on stage receiving the applause and recognition he felt would mark this achievement...the great momentary pleasure  that filled him began to dissipate as quickly as it arose. He had this realization that the happiness received from such an achievement, what we call success, would not sustain him.  He could see how addictive it was...how grasping and clinging for such success could be problematic. It could be  like a drug whose high would only last for a short period of time, leading him to seek more and more at the detriment  of his mental, emotional and physical well being.

Chasing the dragon.

At the time I took on this experiment, I was looking for such a high.  I felt I needed it.  Heck!  I felt I deserved it after all the stress I have been dealing with.  I thought the pleasure of success would numb my pain at least  a little bit. I was actually attempting to manifest this thing in my life cuz I wanted to numb from everything  else.  I did not look at the cause and effect of wanting this or the cause and effect of attempting to achieve it.  I was not looking inward for the solutions to perceived problems.  I was looking outward. I was focusing on changing something up there, in the future. I did not question enough if this "achievement"  would  truly make me successful in terms of what I really need and want? If  I were to achieve this thing, I did not think through enough but later realized ...I would just need more and more and more. I would have to do more and more and more.   I would be chasing a high I would never be able to keep or hang onto. Is that what I really, really want?

No...I do not want to spend the rest of my life directed by habit energy, chasing dragons.  I do not want to live in some imaginary time, in some imaginary place that is not here and now.  I know here and now is the only time I can truly live! Sure fantasizing and waiting for something better brings hope...but hope does not sustain.  Happiness, satisfaction with what is already in my Life , contentment, peace, appreciation for what is...sustains.  I really want to get that so I need to stop chasing highs that do not last.

It is not mere coincidence that I stumbled across this video on the ending of the  experiment's time frame.  I am being shown what success really is and where it can be found...not in the achievement of some future external dream but by  finding inner satisfaction with what the present moment holds.

Maybe  the "Mr Squeezy" reaction I have been getting as I work on this project  is just the gentle arms of Karma on my shoulder, holding me in place, reminding me that I just have to be right here , right now , whispering to me that  I already have everything I need to do that happily. That is true success.

All is well!  

Plum Village ( May, 2017) Celebrating Our Awakening/ Dharma Talk by Brother Phap Linh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP0Xrl5Bx7A

Remembering The Essential Identity

 Suffering arises through knowing yourself only as form identity.

Eckhart Tolle

Do you feel and sense  an essence in you or others that has nothing to do with form? Or do you still see yourself as this body/ mind duo? This personality that you call "me"?

The roots of all suffering, I agree with Tolle, is our identity confusion. We are delusional believing that we are this "personality" that operates in the world of form, a  helpless victim to all our perception of a "dangerous world" provides.  

Amnesia? 

It, our identity confusion,  is like having amnesia...not remembering who we were before the accident, relying on others to fill in the information that does not feel right in our core.  We know we are more than the bits of information we are given to help us remember. More than the job we are told we have, the face we see in the mirror, the wife, husband, sister, brother, mother, father we are told we are, the home we live in, the neighborhood, the nationality, the church we may go to or the things we are told we believe in. We are more than what possessions we supposedly own. Somehow we know we are more than all this. We don't remember a bit of it, but we still are.!

It is not the amnesia of form identity making us suffer 

What we are told we are is just not enough...that these things do not mean anything to us. We may have lost our memory, but in truth,  we have lost nothing We don't necessarily want to remember our past, we want to remember and feel who we  really are. Forgetting form identity is not a problem, forgetting Self is.  And it is that lack of true realization that is driving us crazy! Not remembering who we are beyond form is creating suffering! 

So many of us  fail to realize who we truly are, getting lost in this view of self  on a superficial level and not seeing what lay deeper within us. It is that which lay deeper within us that is who we truly are. 

You are more truly yourself when you don't remember your past than when you do remember it. You are more truly yourself when there is not a single thought in your head than when you are full of thinking-thinking of "myself "and its problems.  ...

You are never more truly yourself than when you are still....  It is then that you can sense the essence of who you are. 

Hmm! Let's a few moments of stillness where we can forget what we appear to be to the world and see who we are beyond memory, past or future, or thought .

Eckhart Tolle (July, 2020) The Beginning of Awakening & Essential Identity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_o2iOavxYI

Wanting Peace For All

 

The most valuable possession you can own is an open heart.  The most valuable weapon you can be is an instrument of peace. 

Carlos Santana

Question 40: What do you want most for the  world? 

All is Well! 

"Help me to see!"

 Impulses, hunches and sudden insights, and subtle insights have assisted us on our paths since the origin of our species. That we have not recognized the guidance that has come to us in that way is a consequence of seeing reality through only five senses.

Gary Zukav ( wanted to write Zuvac lol) 

Do you honor and embrace these hunches and insights when you get them? Do you even notice them?  I try to. I believe that they come from a higher place and are guiding me even though I often do not feel deserving of them. 

Zukav tells us that in order to increase the awareness of this guidance we must first begin becoming aware of how we "feel". We need to look at our emotions as energy currents running through our systems often in a response or "reaction" to some external trigger.  They will lead us to some deeper wisdom if we trace them down to their roots. When we notice a feeling popping up; when we notice we are reacting, we need to  then ask "Why?"  "Why am I feeling this way?"  "Why does that bother me so much?"  etc etc Then we ask this guidance to help us to see. They will often guide us back to our core beliefs.  From there we can determine if we are seeing the situation through core beliefs based on Truth  that serve us, or core beliefs based on conditioned illusion that serve us not. 

I am in the process of looking at one aspect of my present Life and what I have been "reacting" to.  I am tracing my feelings of "disappointment, frustration, confusion and complacency " back to their source with the help of my internal guidance. I ask, "Help me to see this situation clearly so I can determine what is the best, most wholesome  path to take for all." 

We will see what happens.

All is Well!  

Describing God

 I see a pattern, but my imagination cannot picture the maker of that pattern. I see a clock, but I cannot envision the clock maker. The human being is unable to conceive of the four dimensions, so how can it conceive of a God, before whom a thousand years and a thousand dimensions are as one?

Albert Einstein

Question 39: Can You Describe God? 

We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library, whose walls are covered to the ceiling in books in many different languages. The child knows that someone must have written those books.  It does not know who or how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child notes a definite plan in the arrangement of the books, a mysterious order, which it does not comprehend but  only dimly suspects. 

Albert Einstein 

In a nutshell...no, I can't describe God....at least not accurately.  Can you? 

All is well. 

 Oh my, just realized my verbal dyslexia kicked in again lol.  Kind of cool to see how my mind works though. I have been writing Gary Zuvac,(not sure where the 'C' came from)  instead of Gary Zukav. For as long as I can remember I often had this issue with confusing the order of  syllables when I am reading.  I really see Gary Zuvak ( sometimes with a 'c' rather than a 'k') when I read that name....even though I heard it pronounced the correct way. I often did this too when  I was teaching ...confusing the order of syllables in medications or pathological conditions...so I became very paranoid about my pronunciation and spelling and had to take extra care. I do it with numbers....if you asked me to remember  199119...I would likely remember 911991.  That was always a problem for me in remembering phone numbers lol. Anyway...thought I would share that with you. I am aware of my mistake now and will correct it.  My apologies to the author.

Emotions and Tonsils Have a Purpose We Have Yet To Understand

 As we have come to seek and wield external power consciously, we have come to view feelings as unnecessary appendages, like tonsils,-useless, but capable of creating pain and dysfunction. Thus, the pursuit of external power has led to a repression of emotion.

Gary Zukav, page 44

I often write and speak to this idea of repression and suppression being defense mechanisms that harm us more than they help us.  When we stuff the feeling and emoting experience just so we can keep going, doing, achieving, competing, we stuff a great deal of what it means to be human.  We deny the heart.  

We are , without knowing it, closing down to who we really are when we repress our emotion and instead of aligning with higher consciousness as we are here to do, we are denying it. For what?  For the sake of achieving some idea of external power and some semblance of control of our physical world. ...what we call, "Getting ahead." 

" Pain will slow you  down and make you less productive...so by all means "stuff it" or "numb from it", deny, run and avoid it.  Repress that emotion!!" ...seems to be the mantra of this world. 

We look at our emotions  as if they were annoyances in our way and  useless appendages, like tonsils, we need to cut out when they bring pain into our living experience.  Ironically,  I believe that tonsils have an important role in our bodies.  The body doesn't make anything it doesn't need.  Sure evolution and change may have rendered the role the tonsils play as less important than they once were and that  role may be less obvious than the role of other organs ...but they do have a role.  They wouldn't be there if they didn't. At the very least, they do help with immunity...often taking the hit from bacteria and other microorganisms so any part below their level won't have to. They sacrifice themselves in a cooperative way for the survival of the organism.  (That doesn't sound like a useless organ does it, nor does it allow us to view the body organs as if they were in one of Darwin's survival of the fittest competitions, does it?)  

Our emotions have a very important role too  and when we shut them out or stuff them down we cannot reach that higher level of logic and understanding that comes from the heart.  ...only awareness of your feelings can open your heart. page 45

When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions. page 44 As long as we are repressing how we feel, we will never discover how emotions affect everything we do and everything that happens in the universe. 

Emotions and Tonsils have a purpose we have yet to understand.  We will only come to that understanding if we allow ourselves to "feel" it all. 

All is well.

Gary Zukav ( 1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster. 

The Teacher of Responsibility

 Karma is not a moral dynamic. It serves humanity as an impersonal and Universal teacher of responsibility . 

Gary Zukav, page 25

I like thinking of Karma as a teacher of responsibility. I like to believe we process through the circumstances we process through for a reason....that every painful circumstance has a purpose ...to teach us how to be accountable for our thoughts, feelings, words and actions. I like to believe we are not being judged as "good" or "bad" based on these things , that there is no "right" or "wrong",...just one wonderful  learning opportunity after another.  We are not being punished, we are simply being taught  how to live wholesomely and skillfully with every opportunity for choice we have. This isn't personal either.  "Little me" is not being judged and told to stand in the corner here..  It isn't, in fact,  about "me" at all , it is about all of us and everything.  

The soul which crosses many life times or dimensions, according to Zukav, is constantly learning from all these experiences simultaneously. And when my soul learns all of humanity is learning, healing, expanding and evolving. 

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. What I put out there will come back to "me", as the personality the soul is incarnated in,  because I need to "feel" and experience the effect of the energy I put out. We are constantly balancing energetic patterns so our souls can heal into wholeness. 

It may feel to the personality or "little me"  that Life  is "unfair", that I or someone else is being bombarded with difficult and painful situations ....that some people are "evil" and some people are "good"...but those are judgments we need to refrain from making if we do not want to add to our karmic debt and create more imbalances that will have to re-balanced by more challenging learning.  

In order to become whole, the soul must balance its energy. It must experience the effects that it has caused. Zukav, 

Life knows what it is doing. If we could learn to see all circumstance as a lesson for the soul , and stop judging it and saying it "shouldn't be", would we not be happier.  If we could work with this learning instead of against it by striving for compassion, non-judgement, and loving awareness would the world not be a better place to live in for all of us? 

Hmm!  All is well in my world. 

Gary Zukav (1989/ 2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster. 

Where Attention Goes

Where attention goes, energy flows; Where intention goes, energy flows! 

James Redfield (Author of The Celestine Prophecy )

Question 38: Does Energy  Flow Where Attention  Goes? 

Step back, observe and see for yourself if this is true. 

All is well in my world!

Shining Through

 Every experience that you have and will have upon  the Earth encourages the alignment of the personality with your soul. Every circumstance and situation gives you the opportunity to choose this path, to allow your soul to shine through you, to bring into the physical world through you its unending and unfathomable reverence for all of Life.

Gary Zukav ( from the Seat of the Soul, 2014/ Simon and Schuster, page 16) 

All is well!

  

Happy Saint Patty's Day!

 May the raindrops  fall lightly on your brow,

May the soft winds freshen your spirit,

May the sunshine brighten your heart,

May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you,

and may God fold you in the mantle of His love. 

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

the rains fall soft upon your fields

and until we meet again,

May Gold hold you in the palm of His hand

Irish Blessings I was brought up with! 

The Second Arrow

 

In life we can't always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first.  The second arrow is optional.

The Buddha

Question 36: What is Meant By The Second Arrow? 

All is well! 

Expanding Like A True Scientist

 ...the seeker, the true scientist, will allow himself or herself [or their-self] to expand into a frame of reference from which the answers he or she [or they] are seeking can be understood. 

Gary Zukav ( from: The Seat of the Soul, page 13)

Hmm! I wrote about these questions a few days ago:

Who am I?

What do I truly want?

What can I truly depend on?

What am I here to do? 

I wrote that we need to stop struggling with the answers and just allow the evolving frame of reference to take us there.  It is about the living and moving forward into a higher level of consciousness, not the being able to answer these questions in some conceptual way, right? 

Well, we can still use language, concepts, thinking, and teachings from others, like this book that I was  recently inspired to purchase and read, to help guide us there.  But the answers will only be found, I know somehow, when we reach that Deeper- Level -Self; when we, as Zukav describes it, align our personality with our soul. 

Happy Expanding!

All is well!

Gary Zukav (1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster. 

Breathe into Silence

 Don't listen to the words-listen to breath; listen to body; listen to heart and listen to the flow of Life as it traverses through all. 

Brother Phap Linh

And that is what I did this morning.  I put down my pen and pushed away my notes, closed my eyes and listened.  Though my mind was not on the words, the truth behind them made its way into the very core of me. It was lovely 

The breath and silence go together.  They are what is needed for our healing and we all need healing. In order to heal our wounds we need to rest, to  stop doing for periods of time...and thinking is included in that doing. The compulsive need to interpret,conceptualize and judge everyone and everything is in the way of our healing, our awakening. (Tolle) We are often so lost  in the thoughts in our heads but we are not even there:

  You are not there. All that is there is the egoic mind, the conceptual self saying "This is me and this is my life."  Eckhart Tolle

You are that which observes the thinking, judging, interpreting and conceptualizing.  You are that which  knows it knows nothing. You are in the silence. You are the observing awareness. 

We need to get beyond thinking to the silence.  Breath is the doorway that opens up into the quiet spaciousness of presence. ...into healing...and into awakening.

The simple felt act of breathing, according to Brother Phap Linh, makes the egoic cages we are in dissolve so we can touch Life through the precious moment. We do not control the breath or manipulate it in anyway...we simply observe it.  We are aware we are breathing in when we breathe in, aware  we are breathing out when we breathe out. 

Hmm! Sister True Dedication shares her practice with us.  She tells us that from the very beginning of her journey toward awakening, she was challenging herself to get through ten consecutive breaths without thinking.  Can you do that?  I am trying and it is not as easy as it seems. Every time, a thought comes in, we are to start over. It is a worthy practice goal for all of us. 

Anyway, the universe lined up some teaching for me perfectly this morning.  Grateful.

All is well.

Plum Village/ Brother Phap Linh (August, 2016) Touching Silence.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMduWlYZsIE

Plum Village/ Sister True Dedication (August , 2016) Know Your Body, Know Your Mind/ Sister True Dedication. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vggg6KYmEUM

Eckhart Tolle ( August 2021) How to Practice Self Observation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UT3s-pgaEvY

The Pandemic's Language

The world has a soul and anyone who  understands that soul can also understand the language of many things. 

Paulo Coelho

Question 35: How can we understand the pandemic on a metaphysical level? 

 I am fully aware that some of my answers suck! lol I have probably not been in the best frame of mind to answer some of these questions so forgive me.  But as promised, I said I was going to put it all out there without editing.  Making it real people, making it real! 

All is well. 

Locked Rooms and Books In Foreign Languages

 Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers which cannot be given  you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything . Live the questions now. Perhaps then you will gradually, without noticing it , live along some distant day into the answer. 

Rainer Maria Rilke

Oh man.  It is  Two Pm on a cold, and windy afternoon and I am just sitting down to write now.  I am a little out of sorts these days,  flapping around like a flounder washed onto shore by the tides.  Someone put me back in the water please! lol. I feel somewhat overwhelmed and restless, confused about where I am going and why.

These are the questions that keep pounding in my head as I flap around, very unproductively, (questions that were relayed by Sister True Dedication in the linked  video below):

Who am I?

What do I really want in my life?

What am I here, on earth,  to do?

What and who can I trust? What and who can I count on and rely on especially when I feel so overwhelmed?

Where am I going?  Where do I want to go? 

How can I help? 

Do you ever find yourself asking these questions?  Do you know where you are going and why?

Sister True Dedication relays a famous Buddhist story about a man standing at a crossroads watching another man  zoom by on a fast moving horse.  The pedestrian calls out to the man on the horse, "Where are you going?" And the man on the horse answers, "I don't know.  Ask the horse!" 

Ask the Horse

So many of us are at crossroads in our lives wondering what road to take and where it will lead.  We see people moving swiftly and confidently in some direction and want to know where they are going, assuming that it must be in the "right" direction...only to find out they are being carried along by some energy they have so little control of.  Most humans really do not know where they are going.  They have no control of that momentum they are riding, be it the momentum of a collective conditioning, an ego pursuit or the flow of Life itself. Most humans have not tamed the mind enough to have the above questions answered in a clear way. They are too busy unconsciously moving and doing  to even ask them. 

Though I love the Buddhist interpretation of that tale, I look at it a little differently after thoroughly reading the quote above. Rilke in the above quote tells us , it is okay to be carried along if it is Life that is moving us. He is , in a sense, saying that it is better to go with the flow of Life  than it is to stand stuck at crossroads asking questions we just are not capable of answering. 

We need to live the questions knowing that in this incarnation we may never have the answers to them. It is much more important to live them, ask them, love them as we go day to day, trusting that Life is taking us somewhere and that we might actually have the answers met at some point. More important than the answers, however,  is the living.

Hmm!  Does that mean we do not try to tame these minds that are carrying us along, often to unwholesome destinations? Does it mean we should not be skillful riders of Life's energy flow? 

I believe we need to take riding lessons and be committed to a Life practice even though we may not always be able to control the horse or the  destination it takes us in.  We can learn to tame the mind, even if we cannot tame the horse (Life).  I also believe, we need to keep those questions in our heart, ask them, and  live them daily .  We must love the questions  even if the answers lie behind locked doors or in books we cannot read because the language is something we do not yet understand. 

All is well. 

Plum Village ( August,2016) Know Your Body, Know Your Mind/ Sister True Dedication. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vggg6KYmEUM

Neutralizing Karma?

Every moment of your life you perform action-physically, mentally, emotionally and energy -wise. Each action creates a certain memory. That is Karma. 

Sadhguru

Question 34: How Do We Neutralize Karma and Make Up For Sins Before We Die? 

 All is well!

Is Love Blind?

 

Where there is love, there is life.

Mahatma Gandhi

Trying to understand another habit energy that seems to take over if I am not mindful. Netflix! Here I am so tired lately, letting the house get a little bit more messy than I am comfortable with, wanting more time to do what I love to do (write)   and get my stuff out there...yet instead of being" productive"  I  find myself using the evening hours to binge on Netflix. I won't watch TV until after 7 but I stay up until One in the morning watching Love is Blind, of all things. 

Love is Blind? Are You Looking For Romance Or Something? 

I used to be a romantic, seeking for years, like many of these characters on this reality series, my "soul mate", assuming my life would be incomplete until I found him.  That has changed so much in my waking up process. I am the farthest thing from a "romantic" there could ever be these days. I now have this understanding of Love that differs so much from the way I used to view it.  I do not seek things or others to fill in some hole inside me either ..and I am not just saying that because I am in a committed relationship by society's terms...I am saying that because I am no longer "attached" to that need for someone else to make "me" whole.  (I am even questioning what a "me" is) . Even if the relationship I have right now were to end, I would be sad for sure, but I would not lose any sense of who I really am. When I hear the characters on the screen  say things like "You fulfill me" or "I can't go on without you, you are why I am happy. " I find myself talking very sternly to them through the barrier of screen and distance: ..."Stop it!  That is attachment not Love. No one can make you happy, no one or no thing outside you can fulfill you.  Your expectations are going to cause suffering for you and your partner. Love is so much more than that!"  Of course, they do not hear me and they continue on their merry heart breaking  ways toward a certain suffering they could have  prevented with  less clinging lol.

 My deeper Self tells me to shut  off the TV and go to bed, or at the very least switch back to the Anna Karina series on Ruku I started because that, at least,  is a classic. I love watching classic literature portrayed on the screen. Instead of watching classics, however, I am watching shows like this. I like to think of myself as more evolved. Still here I am sitting glued to my chair from one episode to the next. I am, I tell myself, consumed by my "guilty" obsession.  ("Guilty"...becasue I tell myself I have evolved beyond all this  so why am I giving the ego what it wants?) 

I Keep Watching Anyway 

It is not just the romantic attachments that bother me either. It is also what the characters are seemingly attached to outside their pods and romantic bubbles I growl at. I do not find any need for superficial acceptance and allure anymore.  I am not into how I look at all and who I might attract. Haven't been for a very long time.  The idea of sitting in front of a mirror applying make up for hours and dressing in the latest fashions...just leaves me with a "What the fork  for?" I was never really  in to that very much.  I still care for my body but not the appearance of my body. Yet there I am glued to a screen of beautifully dressed and made up faces attached to all the superficial things the physical world provides.

Why Do Such Shows Bother Me 

They bother me because they portray Ego's World where I was for so long, where so many still are.  None of it makes sense to me anymore and such pursuits seem to be a waste of valuable human energy that could be directed elsewhere. I spent most of my life to date doing what these characters were doing ( maybe with a lot less need for glamour, make up and fashion) but I had the same goals and mission statements.  Now I see that I was treading down an unwholesome  path, led by ego rather than the part of me that knew what was really important. I suffered on this path...big time.  To watch people as delusional as I was go down similar paths is frustrating. 

They also bother me because they make me realize that my ego is still lingering around, drawing me in. I get mad and disappointed with myself. The voices are reprimanding "me" for slipping, "Look at you consumed by unwholesome habit energy. You are more evolved than that!"  they shout.  I hear them...but still there I am in my seat, hour after hour, watching the drama play out on the screen.

Maybe, part of me feels "old"...like that part of my life is over.  Even as I see the unskillfulness of those perceptions I had back then when I was pursuing romance and other types  of social adventure that was dramatized on this series...it was exciting to look into the "Whens" of future hopes and dreams, you know? Fantasizing such a life and this idea of "happiness" that will be reached when the dream comes true can be fun, you know?  That part of my life, that step in my evolution, is over...part of me, another ego part, probably misses that and that is why this show bothers me. It reminds me of what I am missing.

So if You Don't like it, why do you keep watching?

Hmm! So why the heck, did I watch both seasons of the American version....as well as the Brazilian and the Japanese series...staying up past one in the morning when my body is so bloody tired and craving sleep?That is the real question I ask myself.  The first answer to that question is because it is so bloody numbing. I don't have to "think" my way through it like I would Anna Karina. It just carries me away.  And I have been feeling so desperate lately to be carried away from the stress of circumstances surrounding me. A Netflix binge is like a lovely glass of wine...not good for me but making me feel, at least for a few hours, that everything is okay. [ I stopped drinking wine btw when I recognized the attachment for numbing was growing].

 My ego , in some sense of spiritual superiority, is also enjoying being "right"...being able to see what the characters have yet to see.  I feel so much more advanced in my understanding of Life than they are.  I feel superior.  Now that is not a wholesome reason, is it? lol

Recognizing and Looking Deeply

So recognizing this habit energy, and looking deeply into the cause of it was quite enlightening for me.  Boring for you, maybe, but enlightening for me. 

Oh well...I watched every episode there was.  Let's hope a new season doesn't come out soon.  

All is well! 

This is an article I wrote on Romantic Love: (page 11)

http://www.aquarianonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Enlighten-Up-with-The-Aquarian-Winter-2017-issue.pdf

And this is an article I wrote on finding what is really Important :  (page 3)

http://www.aquarianonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Enlighten-Up-Spring-2018.pdf

The Greatest Distraction

 

Happiness can only be found if you can free yourself of all other distractions.

Saul Bellow

Question 33: What is Our Greatest Distraction? 

All is well.

Seen or Unseen

  as we look not to the the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, and the the things that are unseen are eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4: 18

Man...did I ever get way laid this morning.  Ego took me on another little trip down, Do they listen? Do they read me? Do they "get" me? lane.   I  checked the stats page again looking to see if "I" ( whoever that is)  was  seen.  One of the  videos "I" did was up so I listened to that one, and another would pop up and I would listen to that and on and on I went like Narcissus looking at his reflection in the lake. It surprises me when I see this side of me still so active. I feel almost ashamed of it after all my practice to dis entangle myself from its clutches.  I am still looking towards the seen.  Ego, in search of  the "other" recognition (the seen) it craves and finding little ( anywhere from 6 -20 viewers), settled with looking at itself.  It  kind of liked what it saw  (kind of lol) and that kept me viewing "myself" rather than writing here.  

Now, before this,  "Deeper I" always appreciated the videos because of the message and the intention behind them but ego always avoided looking at them.  It was embarrassed but there it was this morning judging  some of them as "not too bad!".  It also stroked itself with,  "They may not listen; they may not read me and they may not "get" me but I do. " 

The seen are all those things of secondary importance ego craves...like success, relationships, abundance, recognition, and even health. All these things can be found on the superficial level of existence and are impermanent and constantly changing. What is of primary importance, however, can not be seen.   It is the spaciousness found in the depth of who we really  are and it will never change.  Does it not make more sense to look towards that? . 

Man...someday I will be completely free of ego, won't I? I will stop looking towards the transient things that can be seen and instead will be focusing almost all my attention on that which is unseen and eternal?  Someday I will put away my egoic quests and be completely and happily immersed in the quests of Deeper I.

All is well. 

Are You A Martha or A Mary?

 "Martha, Martha", Jesus answered.  "You are upset and worried  about many things but few things are needed-or indeed  only one.  Mary has chosen what is better  and it will not be taken away  from her." 

Luke 10:38-42 NIV

In another Eckhart Tolle video that I listened to today I was reminded of the familiar parable in the bible where Jesus visits the home of two sisters Mary and Martha.  While Martha was scurrying around trying to prepare lunch and serve her guests, Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to what He had to say.  She chose presence and being over doing.  Martha, frustrated with her sister, went to Jesus and asked Him to tell Mary to help her with the busy work. He responded by telling her that it was Mary who was doing what was important...or should I say,  her "not doing" was more important than Martha's doing. He, was of course, speaking to the busyness much of us get lost in and how difficult it is for us to simply sit and be.  

Tolle, in the below linked video,  teaches that we have needs and intentions in our lives, some are of  secondary importance  and some , well "one" is primary. What is of primary importance is our pure awareness of who we are, of what "heaven" is.  It is our being that is of primary importance , not our doing.  Mary, was attempting to reach that place of pure awareness that Jesus was teaching about  by simply "being there" and  listening.  Martha, on the other hand, lost in  her  busy mind of upset and worry, lost in her busy doing,  was putting all her energy towards that which was not so important. 

Where are you putting your energy?

In terms of manifesting what is it that you want to manifest...the rewards of doing or the rewards of being? Are you seeking what is of primary importance or that which is of secondary importance? 

My ego wants to redeem me, sometimes, from this place of insufficiency and inadequacy which has been aggravated by my present set of circumstances.  (I dream constantly about going back to work in the real world...about achieving that sense of social recognition, stable income and productivity again... of returning to my Martha like state. ) Ego has a hard time accepting that that part of my life is over so it turns this need "to do" , to "achieve"  in another direction. It wants to accomplish that feeling of "worldly fulfillment" by using that which comes so naturally to me, that  which is more about who I am than what I do- my writing. Ego is attempting to redeem this injured sense of self through some form of writing success ( success in superficial terms ). Hmmm! 

When I stop and think about it, I know that worldly success is truly  not that important to me .  The most important thing in my life, right now, is learning like Mary did, going deeper and discovering who I really am beyond all these ideas of "me", beyond my thoughts and aspirations. I do not need to fulfill my ego...I need to fulfill my being. 

Hmmm!  All is well in my world.

tech community world/ Eckhart Tolle (March, 2022) Concious Manifesting 2022 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UPdk4Y0p4M

On Achieving Success

 Your life is not determined by what you achieve or do not achieve.  Your life is determined by your state of consciousness in the present moment.

Eckhart Tolle

I have been feeling down.  I mean I wake up at night and feel a heaviness over me, this weight of uncertainty and sadness.  I just become consumed with the knowledge of all those around me who are suffering. My whole body feels heavy when I get up to the washroom or go get a glass of water.  My "reaction" to life circumstance has become physical. 

Heavy 

Heavy. Of course, I feel heavy mostly from the energy of suffering all around me and I am trying to understand it: Is it Karma? Is it random coincidence?  What am I and others meant to learn from it? I am trying to accept it so I can transmute it.  I am trying to embrace it and look deeply into it.  I am trying to go deeper because of it so I will know what to "do" with it...but man it just feels so heavy sometimes that I   think it will squash me under its weight before I understand it. 

Skeptical Doubt

I also feel down because lately  I don't feel I am getting anywhere with my writing. I, because of the heaviness, am experiencing a lot of skeptical doubt about choosing this medium of expression as my life's work, as a means of service. My life's work, a means of service?  Really...even saying that out loud sounds quite grandiose and  ridiculous to me. Still,  I feel this "karmic cloud ", if that is what it is, interfering with my life's purpose. When I say that out loud, it sounds even more ridiculous lol.  I just feel this heaviness as a veil  moving in to all aspects of my life...into the area I have been focusing on for redemption purposes, interfering with the flow of Grace and Ease,  preventing me from "manifesting" that which I wish to manifest. ( for lack of a better word, I use "manifest") . I was hoping my writing would redeem me, save me. I am definitely dealing with the fifth hindrance , skeptical doubt. 

Not Manifesting? 

Why? Why am I doubting?  Because I have yet to receive any true notoriety for my writing and monetary reward?  In society's terms ...I am not achieving success. I thought, with everything else so challenging around me, if I could "gain something" from my writing...just make enough, maybe,  so I can stop the worrying about getting by or be validated so I know I am on the right path... This, I believed,  would  balance out circumstances so they were less heavy. 

Now I know I write for the sheer joy of writing...that is success in its truest form.  I know  what I write about, as "kooky" and "woo-woo" as it may seem to others, is what I am  meant to  write about.  It is a message I am supposed to share and I couldn't stop doing it if I wanted to.  Whether I make a dime from my writing or reach any reader out there...I am going to keep doing what I am doing.

Eckhart Tolle, in Conscious Manifesting 2022,  reminds us to be fully engaged in the doing.  If you enjoy what you are doing in the present moment, that is success. 

I want this message out there, I do and not for egoic reasons.  I want to serve.  I want my actions, my thoughts and my words to be of benefit to the world.  Yet my stats are showing that this portion of my writing work...is not being well received. It is not getting out there.  Realizing that  increases this heaviness in me. Sure ego gets bumped and bruised up by that realization (ego wants to identify itself as a successful writer/teacher)  but it goes deeper than that.  I have to question if what I am doing here is of any benefit to anyone, really?  And I wonder if the Universe has other plans for me that I am for some reason blind to. Am I too attached to this means of service when I should be doing something else? So much of my energy is going into this blog when at the present time it is serving such a small population.  I mean it is enough...it is always enough if I reach one person, even if that person is me...but is there some other means I am supposed to be using? I do write articles .  
I do write books.  I do write poetry and fiction.  And I do submit...a bit.  Maybe I need to focus more on those genres and getting that stuff out there?  Regardless this blog is my practice and I am pulled here every day regardless of outcome.  Hmm! Then I wonder if the service I am provide has nothing to do with writing? 

Our Actions Are Changing the World 

This is what I have been wondering about, adding to the heaviness I wake up with at night , and then serendipitously I come across this video this morning.  Tolle also reminds us in the same video,

They will change the world, even if you don't see how. 

My thoughts, my words and my actions will have an effect on the world even if I never discover how in this life time.  Why?  Because they come from a higher place than ego.. I am putting that energy out there I may never know that I have achieved "success" in this life time, that doesn't mean I am not successful in my service to the world. 

Success, in worldly terms, will never bring who I truly am what it wants and needs and it will only satisfy the ego for so long.  If I become attached to this idea of success...continue to seek to redeem myself with an identity of "successful writer" I may fall back into ego motivation when what I really really want is much deeper than that. I want to awaken to the truth...to get beyond my need for worldly success. 

At the same time I know there is nothing wrong with this type of success...if we see it as something we can play with.  So I submit my stuff, I write here and elsewhere. I am committed to my practice putting many, many hours into it. According to the "10000 hour rule", it takes 10,000 hours of committed effort to gain mastery of a skill. I think I am beyond my 10,000 hour apprenticeship...so maybe I am ready for the success to come so I can  reap the harvest of the fruit  of my actions, so I can play with "success" in a detached way? Or maybe I am not? 

So let's look at what we need to do to manifest success in our chosen "life's work"

• We can set our intention briefly and then let it go
• look into our core beliefs that tell us we are not worthy to achieve and deal with those
• Need to put in the effort and the hours of practice, committed to what we are doing as a process
• Need to enjoy what we are doing, doing it for the love of it
• Gently push ego out of the picture and be aware when ego steps back in
• Need to be detached from the outcome...knowing that true success is simply in the enjoyment of what we do and not to get lost in the idea of "worldly success" 
• There has to be an element of service to what we do 
• Need to be ready for such power: conscious and aware enough, established and grounded in a deeper motivation and stability so we can handle success, without falling back into ego motivations
• We need to trust that the Universe will provide when we are ready to receive

Hmmm! Inspired again.  So here I am. 

All is well! 

tech community world/Eckhart Tolle (Feb 22, 2022) Conscious Manifesting 2022 Part 2https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcKFnjShvj4

Taming Tigers

 

We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Question 31: What is meant by taming the angry tiger with a lotus thread? 

All is well !

Including Self

 If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

The Buddha

How can we love if at first we do not know how to love ourselves.

Br. Phap Huu ( missing accents) 

A Body Reminder to Care About Self

I have been feeling a little overwhelmed by everything that has been happening around me lately.  And my body is manifesting that sense of overwhelm.  I noticed on Thursday when I was helping my daughter with a very stressful and physically demanding task, and again yesterday when I was playing with my grand daughter out in the snow, that I am having more cardiac symptoms than I have had in a long while. I am so fatigued and Short of Breath, to the point of dizziness, on exertion. There is a pretty persistent pressure in my chest and occasionally pain in my left forearm when I am active.  Though there has always been a very audible "click"(quite benign) from a misbehaving mitral valve , that I could hear so clearly in my left ear , the more serious  murmur associated with it  was not often heard.  Now I hear the "whooshing" in my ear all the time indicating that that poor old floppy valve could be losing its adaptive power.  I should have been expecting this, I suppose. I was told by surgeons years ago that I would probably need a repair or a replacement in my 60's but 60 always seemed so far away and "probably" was not "definitely".  Besides,  I had since then moved away from a physical focus to a deeper one when it comes to healing the body and mind.  The mind became my focus. I had convinced myself that if I dealt with the PTSD, and used suffering to awaken, the heart would not be a significant issue...The real issue issue will always be the mind, which includes my  understanding this  physical and emotional response to trauma I had all my life. I felt like I was getting somewhere...able to do yoga an hour a day, to walk, to dance around with the babies.  I was truly convinced  that since I no longer had to deal with the extra physical and mental stress of work....my heart issue would become completely obsolete. 

I was healing.  I have healed tremendously...but Life keeps doing what Life does and whether I  am paying off some karmic debt or if this is all just random coincidence...the stressors keep piling on top of me ( perception only).  Lately my mind has been  a little overwhelmed by it all.  The energy of my body is simply following  the energy of my mind. I feel drained but I don't stop at those times.  These symptoms no longer scare me. What they could lead to no longer scares me either.  It simply is what it is.  I have very little fear over what my body might do.  So very little fear of death. At the same time recognizing this sense of "physical" overwhelm and my tendency to ignore it as much as I can so I can assist or bring joy to others,   made me ask, "Why don't you honor and care for this body, this mind, as much as you do for others?  Why don't you feel the same amount of compassion for this idea of "self" as you do for others and their ideas of "self"?"

Inter-being and Compassion

I listened to Br Phap Huu today  when he gave dharma talks in 2017 on  being at home.  He spoke near the end of  one his talks about inter being...how someone else's wellness, joy, or achievement is our wellness, joy and achievement. I agreed so much, seeing that in myself.  And then he went on to say that our wellness, joy and achievement is someone else's.  Then I had an aha moment.  Though I feel the joy or suffering of others so acutely, believing whole heartedly that that is the way it is suppose to be, I do not view my wellness or my suffering as having any value to others.  My suffering does not seem to be that important  so I don't have the same compassion for myself as I do for other beings. Hmm! 

Inter-being includes Self, and Compassion must include Self too.  Hmm!

All is well! 

Having compassion begins and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections we didn't even want to look at.

Pema Chodron

Plum Village (August, 2017) Taking Care of Ourselves First/ dharma Talk with Br. phap Huu. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0OF3X6aEwo

Plum Village ( December, 2017) Being at Home, Enriching Our Practice/Dharma Talk with Br. Phap Huu.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cHfgCSIB78