The Wisdom of Insecurity

 Instead of trying to deny the flow of change and living in conflict, we can understand it deeply and live in harmony with the seasons of life. Instead of creating "solid" things, solid relations, a solid unchanging world to try to hold onto, we can let go and open up to the actual truth of each changing moment. This is learning to live by what Alan Watts called 'The Wisdom of Insecurity' ". Page 171

Jack Kornfield

We are not, no matter how much we try, going to find security and fulfillment  in solid things because there are no "solid" things.  Every thing, absolutely everything in this world is  moving, changing, coming and going. We cannot hold onto it.  Trying to is like grasping for falling rocks and debris in hope they will stop our fall when we slip off a cliff. What we need to do is recognize how we, as well as everything around us, is in movement, changing, dying.  We cannot grasp any of it.

There is great wisdom in this...great relief.  When we stop trying to grasp all this moving stuff, stop trying to make it into something it isn't , stop trying to find solidity where none exists we fall into what is.  It is from there where we can find a spaciousness and a freedom that cannot be experienced in anyway but directly. When we accept that life is not something we can find "solidity and security" we understand  that:

...each moment is a manifestation of the empty, unpossessable nature of reality. page 180

All is well in my world. 

Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield ( 2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Colorado

The Direct Experience

 Our whole complex world is only this: changing sights, sounds, tastes, smells, touch and thoughts and feelings. In practice we make the effort to be aware of our direct, immediate experience of life...And as we do this , we come to understand more and more clearly ...the three basic characteristics of all created phenomena: suffering, impermanence and selflessness.... The realization of these characteristics can cut through all grasping and goals and can guide us to wisdom in all spiritual experiences....

Jack Kornfield ( page 171)

Huh?

What we define as the world is simply our perception, is it not?  How we pick up the stimuli around us with our senses and how the mind makes sense of it is what the world becomes to us, right? It is an indirect, filtered and selective experience.  We try to take the ever changing stimuli and mental activity that occurs moment to moment and make something solid and tangible out of it. We pull in that which is pleasant, push away or stuff down that which is unpleasant and ignore the neutral.  The world becomes then, not a direct experience, but a story we tell our selves.

As we practice experiencing life directly...not with just our senses, not with our thought or feeling but with awareness, we notice, allow and even appreciate the suffering, the impermanence and we see the impersonal nature of all of it.  The seperate self , we realize, is just a part of the story.

When we realize that what we really want and need is  a direct experience of all that is beyond the selective and discrimatory mechanism of sense perception, thought and feeling, we begin to awaken. 

Suffering

By seeing for ourselves how much suffering there is in our own experience and the experience of others we are opening up to a fundamental truth.  Suffering is a part of our experience.  We can come to this truth by directly observing our own experience and noting how much dissatisfaction, pain, discomfort, frustration, sadness, lonliness, judgement, aversion, fear etc we "suffer". We can then see how that is the  experience for all of us. Most importantly, we can directly witness how we close off to that suffering, how we do whatever we can to avoid it, resist it, push it away, numb from it.  When we see how we run from suffering, we see how much that further impacts our living experience in a negative way. We learn then to stop pretending that suffering does not exist.  We stop resisting it and instead learn to turn toward it, to look deeply at it...to accept it, allow it and even embrace it. We, from there, begin to see clearly the second characteristic of all phenomena...impermanence.

Impermanence

Everything around us is constantly changing and eventually dying. Nothing but awareness lasts. We, in these bodies, are constantly changing...our cells are aging and dying off, our thoughts and feelings are in constant flux.  The pleasant things we grasp and cling to in order to attempt to create solidity and security, a pleasant life experience...will not last. Our cars will rust, our jobs will go, money will disappear from our accounts,  the special beings in our lives will get sick, age or die. Our own  bodies will die too. Nothing pleasant lasts.   Either  does the unpleasant or neutral. Pain and suffering is not permanent either.   Nothing in this world of form is permanent. This makes us uncomfortable.  We want to believe in the solidity of things so we have something to hold on to. We tend then not to look at  impermanence . We close our eyes and minds and hearts to the reality of it and feel great shock and loss when that which we were clinging to, telling ourselves it was "solid", changes or is gone. What we need to do...is look deeply and directly  into the nature of impermanence in our own lives. We can learn to let go of that which we could never hold and embrace the ever changing fluidity of life. 

Selflessness

There is no entity seperate from the flow of experience, no "self" to whom it is happening. pg 179

Things are not happening to "me".  They are not happening to "you".  They are just flowing past and through.  This "me", "you", "us" is no-thing but awareness, empty and spacious awareness. This "I" we identify as solid and real,  is just a concept, a story we tell ourselves and others because we are so attached to the illusion of the  "solidity" of things. This clinging, defending and attacking for the sake of this illusion causes so much suffering.  When we explore deeply the questions, "Who amI?" in meditation, we can sense the deeper awareness beyond that thought form...and this awareness is not a single entity. There is no "self".  It is simply awareness, aware of its own nature. 

The answers for our suffering are not out there. We just need to look deeply and directly at our life experience to learn what is true.

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield (2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Colorado. 

Pleasant, Unpleasant, or Neutral?

 Nothing is in reality either pleasant or unpleasant by nature but all things become so through habit.

Epictetus

I am questioning something and that inquiry is interfering a bit with my mindfulness practice. I try to spend a few minutes each  morning outside just listening, observing, feeling the flow of Life in my yard. I find myself sitting there without thought, just attentive and aware for minutes at a time.  I mean sometimes thoughts, labels, ideas, narrations will pop in to "explain" or help the mind to "comprehend " what my senses are picking up...but if these "concepts" are not too demanding I can usually clump them together in a cloud  called "thinking" and watch them pass away.  

As I was sitting there this morning, listening to the amazing sound of a lovely breeze through the big beautiful trees around me and feeling that same breeze on my skin , I found myself saying..."This is so pleasant".  Automatically, my mind went to and got hooked by some  questions I have been carrying around with me in relation to what I am learning about the skandas that make up the "I", more specically the skanda of feeling.  

My mind went something like this: "Why is this pleasant? Is it universally pleasant or just pleasant according to me? Am I perceiving, judging, preferring when I note that my moment is pleasant? Wouldn't it be best not to judge it either way? Not to make that distinction between pleasant or unpleasant? Does noting it bring me more into awareness of my moment or farther from it ? etc etc "

Let's understand the feeling skanda first

According to Joseph Goldstein (2001), the skanda of feeling is the quality of pleasantness, unpleasantness or neutrality  that is inherent in each moment. ( page 151) These feelings are usually a result of past karma...a cause and effect type of thing. 

Say for example, you had a wonderful relationship with your grandmother in your past. She has passed on but you carry very found memories of her with you as you continue to grieve your loss to some degree.

Pleasant

Now, in the present moment as you are sitting in a restaurant with friends, an elderly woman walks in  that looks like her or you can smell the perfume your grandmother wore off her or hear the pet name she called you in reference to someone else. Maybe this woman is smiling at you and being nice to you like your grandmother was. You may experience a pleasant feeling. The quality of the present moment is pleasant. Now...because it is pleasant... you might want to increase the pleasantness level of the moment by opening up to this stranger, talking to her, doing something nice for her.  You may also not want to let the moment go and resist when your friends say it is time to leave. 

Unpleasant

What if your grandmother died unexpectedly a few months ago and you were the one to find her. There was something burning on the stove at the time that you discovered she had passed. It was a painful experience.  Now in the restaurant this woman who looks like your Nan  walks in at the same time you can smell something burning in the kitchen. This smell is going to be very unpleasant for you and therefore the quality of your moment is going to be unpleasant. You are likely going to react to this moment with a certain aversion and a certain desire for it to be over. You are going to feel yourself closing up to it. You may wish to leave it by leaving the restaurant. You will not only carry painful memories of your grandmother with you from that moment forward but also of the restaurant. 

Neutrality

Most  of what enfolds in our moments is neither pleasant or unpleasant. An elderly lady can walk in to that restaurant and have no obvious resemblance to your Nan. You may have no  reaction to her or the moment. The moment is neither pleasant or unpleasant. Infact,  paying little to no attention to your present experience, you may not even notice the woman.  Your mind may be elsewhere and you  may forget all together that you are here and now. The experience leaves no impact. It is neutral and unfortunately easy to neglect or forget.

I am not sure if that is the best example, but that is what came out of me lol.

So in the feeling aggregate there is only three descriptive terms used: pleasant, unpleasant and neutral. We are not talking about emotions, mind states  or the details of story...just the nature and quality of the experience. My questions arise from this :

Questions:

1. So is it  the "thing", the person, the happening that is unfolding, the moment  that is unpleasant, pleasant or neutral, or  the perception of it? 
2. Who or what, then,  determines the quality of experience? Isn't it purely subjective? Relative? 
3. Doesn't our determining if a moment is pleasant, unpleasant or neutral require a certain judgement on our parts?  Are we not "judging" here? Isn't that reactive?
4. If we are not meant to narrate our lives, do we also want to avoid determining that a moment  is pleasant, unpleasant or neutral? Is that not a form of narration? 
5. Is "neutral" our goal for practice in mastering nonduality and equanimity? Do we want to stay balanced between the unpleasant and pleasant in our "perception" of experience by staying in neutral? 
6. Yet if neutral is often a cause or an effect of not being mindful enough...do we want to avoid it?
7. Is the ultimate state of being one that deems every moment as pleasant? Is that our ultimate goal, then, to experience only the pleasant? If we are evolved enough is the quality of  every moment  pleasant regardless of circumstance ? 
8. What would happen if we spent a mindful practice just noting: "pleasant, unpleasant or neutral" with each thing that showed up? Would that help us to understand this skanda better or would it be counter productive to our goals of getting beyond thought to what is? 

So as I was enjoying my mindfulness practice, becoming aware of  the perception that the breeze I was hearing and feeling against my skin was pleasant...all these questions came up.  They were pretty dominant so I settled in to observing them.  Have yet to come up with all the answers though. 

For now,  I am learning that we do not have to  judge something as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral with the mind...it simply is one of those .  The senses determine that quality. Our goal is not to react to the unpleasant with further judgement and a closing down or by  resisting what is; it is not to react to the pleasant with a  clinging and attachment to what is; nor is it to react to the neutral by forgetting the moment or deluding ourselves into believing we can be anywhere but here and now in this experience.  :)  

I will keep looking into this.

All is well in my world. 

Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield ( 2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Colorado.

Understanding Cause and Effect in Our Lives

 

There is a correlation between one's/ a person's predominant mental and emotional state and who they are with, who their friends are, where they work, and even what happens to them.

Eckhart Tolle

Are you sick of all my lamenting yet? I know it is quite redundant and boring but what it represents is a human search for the truth that hides in those deep recesses of our minds.  I am really trying to see clearly how this clump of flesh and mental activity I call "me" operates. Right now, my learning platform seems to be my present living situation...(well  I should say, the platform is actually my mind in response to what is going on around me...most specifically, an "aversion" tendency). 

The mind that inquires, investigates, and explores conditions wisdom. pg 143

If you get anything from what I have been writing lately, let it be about the importance of observing  mental habits and mind patterns in order to free Self from suffering tendencies.  Don't be afraid to look inside that mind of yours, to watch how your body responds to its activity. Watch what actions you choose as a result of it and then determine just how skillful, or unskillful, those thoughts, feelings and behavioral choices are in bringing you to the ultimate goal of Self realization. Don't be afraid, then, to look at your life and ask, "What predominant mind pattern am I stuck in, that is being reflected back to me by the experiences I am encountering?" 

Not only does each action, no matter how insignificant it may seem, condition a future result, it also reconditions the mind. page 144

Most of us, have "mind habits" or predominant thinking tendencies, based on our conditioning and core beliefs, that have the power take over our experiences and directly and indirectly lay the foundations for the types of life experiences we are having now or will have in the future.  Many of those mind patterns are negative or what a buddhist may refer to as "unwholesome" or "unskillful." These mind patterns will definitely affect your life.

 I am going to throw the word "Karma" out there and I know many will have a prickly reaction to that word, because maybe the mind makes a judgement of it as "Eastern Woo-woo". I look at Karma in a whole new light now and see it, not only as a spiritual law, but  as very valid,  natural law. 

Karma: Cause and Effect

If we act motivated by greed, hatred, or delusion, we are planting the seed of suffering; when our acts are motivated by generosity, love, or wisdom, then we are creating the karmic conditions for abundance and happiness. 137

We would all agree to the validity of cause and effect, wouldn't we? There is usually a cause for an action and there is usually an effect of that action, right?  It is obvious that what is going on up in that head of mine is predominantly negative by what is being reflected back to me. There is a cause for what is unfolding and there is an effect.  The cause , in a sense , is my mind pattern of fear, shame, a belief that others rights are more important than my own, a conditioning that says I must play nice and be unselfish, judgements about others and myself, a feeling of unpleasantness and this automatic reflex of pushing the unpleasnat away etc etc.  This situaton I am presently in, at least indirectly, unfolded because of this mind state. There is a lot going on up there..a pattern of thinking that has been repeated from past experiences and will likely be repeated in future experiences if I do not resolve to break the cycle now! I can change my external environment but until I change the internal one...I will keep coming across such situations. ...in different places and with different others  but the energy behind it all will be the same. This is Karma!

When we understand that our lives are the unfolding of Karmic law, that we are the heirs to our own deeds, then there grows in us a deepening sense of responsibility for how we live, the choices we make, and teh actions we undertake. pg 141

How to work with Karma: 

Put away your fearful reservations and explore this law of Karma. Objectively but compassionately observe the cause and effect of your actions and the actions of others or things around you ...be they atual behaviours or thoughts. Then focus on you! Weed out that which is unwholesome or unskilful in you.  Plant the seeds that will lead to wholesome and skillful growth in you! Then observe what happens. 

It is true that I have to make changes in my environment but the real change has to take place within me.  I have to notice, accept, look deeply into what is going on in my mind as a reaction or response to what is going on in my life and make that correlation. I need to determine which mind patterns will bring me to what I really want and need...which is freedom from suffering , peace of mind, truth and wisdom and which ones will bring more suffering for me or others. I need to let go of a lot of these mind habits that do not serve me or others and most importantly my identification with them. I have to replace them with mind patterns that will bring peace. 

Now when I look at my specific patterns of thinking and feeling...I can take it a step farther and apply the dharma to it .  I can take what I have been learning and remove the specifics from "my" experience to see the universal nature of it. I see and understand  my "aversion" and by that better understand the human tendency towards aversion when we feel something unpleasant.  I can then  have more understanding for myself and in turn more compassion for others who are suffering the cause or effects of aversion. 

Hmmm! Well that is what came out of me today. Again, you need to come to your own understanding of this by reflecting  on your own Life and your response to it. 

All is well!

Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield ( 2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Colorado. 

Eckhart Tolle ( June , 2021) How to Calm the Voice Inside/ Eckhart Tolle Teachings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBXpFbOPUdA

More on struggling With Aversion

 

When we understand that unfair, harmful, or hateful actions rebound in suffering to the person committing them as well as to the recipient, we can respond to both with compassion rather than anger and resentment...seeing people act out of ignorance in ways that cause themselves or others great pain can inspire a very strong and direct response to that ignorance, but it is a response of compassion. 

Joseph Goldstein, page 146

I know that! I want to be able to be compassionate around people lost in this ignorance but the aversion is too often there. Sigh! 

Another Restless Night

I awoke at 3 am during another restless night.  I was drawn to the window...the dogs were all up at the time looking out as if something or someone was out there.  Thought maybe I would catch a glimpse of the fox that was lingering around or the bear that visits on ocassion.  Nothing. Though I could not see any "sentient form",  I  was amazed over how "light" it was.  A big, beautiful moon was suspended in the sky lighting up the world.  I wanted to be outside in it, soaking up that amazingly powerful energy, looking up at the stars but it was three in the morning and I was so tired. Besides, the reason for my recent bouts of nightime  restlessness was still wandering and stumbling  around the house leaving the prickly feeling along the back of my neck and that familiar knot  in my gut.  I had to get up and look around to make sure everyone was safe and everything was intact. 

Sigh! Aversion steps up to the plate....again.  

When I awake and find myself laying there I become aware of this deep dark feeling  within me...this feeling that the knot in my gut and the hairs up along the  back of my neck is taking me to.  It is a dark feeling that I am not sure I can explain. Usually, when I feel it, and I have been feeling it a lot lately as I awaken and sometime throughout the day, I try to push it away or stuff it down.  I cover it up with thought, activity  or some type of redeeming emotion. I toss and turn at  night as if the movement  will rock it out of me. It doesn't.  

Leaning Into the Feeling

Last night...I told myself to stop running from it and to turn toward it.  I needed to allow it and explore it. So I lay there in the semi-dark, "feeling it".  

Labeling and explaining  conceptually what the feeling was all about is probably counter intutive and ineffective but I feel the need to try. It felt like falling into a pit of empty darkness. It felt like powerlessness, a hopelessness that things around me would get better. It felt a bit like claustophobia, like being trapped in a dark box with others sitting on the top holding it closed.  It felt like a warning that something bad was going to happen on top of everything else that felt "off" and there was this feeling there would be no one there to help. I was on my own.  It felt yucky! I realized as I allowed myself to  feel it,  that this feeling was 100 % mine...Though it may have originated from others or some external circumstance...it is now  the emotional mess lining my psyche.  It is unhealthy.  My thoughts, my emotional experience, my body are all becoming unhealthy, dark and negative and it scares me. 

I would have staid with that feeling, explored it farther but the dogs began to bark.  They  jumped up to the window and I followed them. As we all looked out  at the mesmerizing moon, between their barks , I heard the familiar rustling in the kitchen and the shuffling to the bathroom. I knew what that meant and my gut just twisted with aversion and resistance. 

Still Resisting Resistance 

And though I try to accept this level of aversion and resistance when it pops up...and it is popping up a lot lately in reaction to what is going on around me... I still find myself resising the resistance.  I find myself feeling shame and guilt for my aversion, for my fear...for fear, I am discovering, is the root of all of this. "What is wrong with you?  Why are you afraid?  You are making judgements again, assumptions? If you were as evolved as you like to think you were, you would be seeing beyond the behaviour, you would be more compassionate, wanting to serve...rather than afraid and desperate to push this out of your home and out of your experience. " 

I can accept that I am not very enlightened but I find it hard to accept that I am not as kind as I would like to be. The truth is, I don't want this in "my" expereince.  Everything in my gut is telling me to push this away before it is too late. That is the exact opposite of what I am learning to do. It is the exact opposite of equanimity, non judgement, accepting what is, letting go and compassion. 

Still my gut hisses, and if I whittle away all the layers of resistance over its original message, I can hear it: Stop this before it is too late! Too late for what?  I don't know.  I really don't. Before I get sick maybe?  I am brought back to that dream I had about the pelvic condition before it came to my awareness again. Besides that, I am not sleeping well and this twisting in my gut is literally going to become an ulcer if it keeps up. My ticker is acting up as it does with stress. But I am more concerned about my mental health than I am about my physical...this negativity , this sense of hopelessness and feeling powerless in my own home is so yicky. Is that it?

Fear, the real culprit

A realization hit me as I looked out the window and listened for the noises in my house to quiet. What is underlying that aversion and resistance I feel in my gut, is fear.  There is a reason why I am not as assertive as I normally would be here.  Sure it has to do with my pathological need to be nice, to "please", to create an image of the "selfless one" and to give at the expense of my verion of little self...but the fear is not just about failing on my "spiritual" and "human" mission. There is more to this fear than what the mind is doing. There is a deep biological and intuitive warning going on inside me. I feel ashamed of it because it means that I might be making a very negative judgement about another human being.  I am trying to live a life of non-judgement. Thus all my resistance to admitting this fear to myself and others. 

Yet, fear  is there and we keep coming back to it. So yes I may be collecting "data" from past and present experiences and making judgments to "explain" this fear but.... 

This core fear doesn't come from my mind where all judging takes place.  It comes from a place beyond the mind. I cannot rationalize it or explain it.  All I know is I have to stop resiting it, stop supressing it, stop denying it!  I think I have to listen to it. I have to be careful!  I have to watch how "assertive" I am, how I approach, how I confront. I think I intuitively knew that all along and that is why I handled things the way I did, not just to be nice or to please...but to avoid a reaction I fear will come. . I have to enlist the help of others in this transition.  I have to create safe space.

Oh my goodness...I am afraid at the primal level and I have been for quite some time. I am not exactly sure what I am afraid will happen or how or why...I just know I am afraid. That has been the basis of my actions ( or lack of),  my sleepless nights and gut twisting.  Wow! That kind of blows me away.

Anyway...I still seek to be compassionate. I do.  I remind myself again and again: There but for the Grace of God go I. Someday my strong and direct response will not be motivated by resentment, anger, or fear but by compassion. That is the direction I am intending to go...but I guess, I am not there yet.  I am not there yet!

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield (2001)Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Colorado

Selfish?

 When you are trying to be unselfish, you are doing so for selfish reasons. 

Alan Watts

Say what???

This pertains to my last few entries.  I have been very busy over the last little while...over the course of my life actually....trying to be unselfish and I have been doing so for very selfish reasons. I was building an image of "the unselfish one, the giving one, the kind one" in order to protect some broken parts of me. Sure I do honestly care about the people I offer this version of the "unselfish one" to but anything I have given was only partially done for them.  I did it mostly for me.  

I could not live with the shame of being "selfish".  It has been conditioned into me that "selfish" is "Wrong, bad and shouldn't be".  So I have been "trying" to do the "right thing". 

Watts also tells us in the below listed video that we can't do the right thing by doing and we can't do the right thing by not doing. 

Huh?

Selfish is an idea because the  version of "self" we have is just an idea.  We are constantly creating and trying to maintain images we have of self as a seperate, individual person ...as an island of consciousness locked up in a case of skin, ...facing an alien and dangerous world. And we are identifying with this delusion, this hallucination we call "I". 

Waking up is a giving up of this "selfish vs unselfish" mentality, this image for the real deal.It is an understanding that  we can "do" so little; that we are what the entire cosmos is doing through us.  

Hmm!  So much to think about.

All is well.

Alan Watts-T & H Inspiration (October , 2020) Genuine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEL9OEZKOMU

Learning From Empathic Aversion

 Acknowledge in your rage  the powerlessness around being repeatedly manipulated into performing emapthy and care up against an impossible, double standard of being nice all the time. Embrace that you sometimes must use aggression and force to get others to back off if they have felt entitled to your energy, time and resources. Accept that this does not make someone like you narcissitic, irresponsible or entitled, but expresses your self love and dignity.

Doug Noll

Well...isn't this, in a sense , what I have been writing about in my rampages about my present living situation? I am not so sure about the "force and aggression" part but I do realize that assertiveness and limit setting is required.  I have set my limit, reached out to others and to the individuals involved, expressed at least some of these stuffed feelings and set the motion for change rolling. And I refuse to beat myself up anymore for this decision. I love that last line!!! I will remind myself daily that doing this does not make me narcisstic, irresponsible or entitled.  I am simply expressing self love and dignity! 

The Psychosocial Empath

I do believe I am an empath and I like to look at that label  not so much in a metaphysical way but in a psychosocial way.  I am an empath because I had trauma in the early years...Most of us gain this level of empathic intuitiveness, not from a "witchiness" passed on from generation to generation, nor do we get it by  constantly witnessing empathy expressed in  kindness and compassion toward self or others, but just the opposite.  We gain that empathic ability as a survival mechanism.

A Means to Survive

Being sensitive to negative emotion, especially if it is directed toward us in those early formative years, makes it imperative  that we discover any way we can to avoid being hit with that debilitating  pain again and again.  We learn to watch for the build up of negative energy in others...we learn to pick up the subtle cues and  signs that it might be coming and we do whatever we can to protect ourselves against it. We become super perceptive and super sensitive to those subtle energy shifts...especially the "negative" energy shifts. What we do most times, as a reaction to or a protection from,  is turn our selves inside out to avoid being a target.  Many of us...will adapt a super "nice" and "people pleasing" persona. Any "anger", "aversion" or "rage" that would naturally come  with being hurt again and again is not expressed outwardly in a healthy way. It is instead  supressed and repressed as to avoid becoming a target and thus having the negative energy  hurled at us.  

The Need to Be Nice

We are often taught that sticking up for ourselves and defending ourselves against this behaviour and energy, expressing or even having this natural "anger", "assertiveness", inside us as a response is "wrong, bad, shouldn't be". We are guilted and shamed into accepting such displays of negativity as "normal" and of being super nice, accomodating and nothing but pleasing to others regardless of how we are treated. Anytime we feel anger or aversion we are, because of our pathological conditioning, automatically going to feelings of shame and guilt for not being "nice". We then work hard to squish those feelings  down. Squishing, squishing, squishing.  And we also cope with our shame and guilt  through rationalization and over compensating.

So many of us trauma survivors are "broken empaths". We  are very uncomfortable around negative energy.  At the same time we feel great shame and guilt when we experience the anger, aversion or desire to protect self from it.  We have been told it is "selfish" to put our own protection first and whatever energy we are picking up is all just in our heads anyway...we are just being "paranoid"or  "too sensitive".  It becomes a very painful cycle to be in. 

Well I have always undestood this to me reality anyway...but I forget and slide into habitual ways of responding to negative energy. And this present situation I am living in now is like a wonderful learning platform.  

What I am being taught in my present situation 

It is showing me ...how I am dismissing and hurting myself because of old conditioning.  

It is showing me I am indeed an empath picking up negative energy but I am a very broken one.  I am not using this wonderful "trick" I picked up in childhood in a way that would benefit my evolution.

 It is showing me that I have stuffed a lot of  "new" anger, aversion, resentment inside me on top of all the "old" anger, aversion and resentment and it all needs to be expressed.  It needs to come out! 

It is showing me that I do not need to "own" this negative energy from others or fix it for them. This is their energy...I must give it back to them. 

It is showing me...that I do not need to live like this, I do not need to be a victim to other people's energy.  I don't have to pretend to be "nice" and deny myself in order to soothe the energies of others. 

It is showing me that what I have been doing is more about "spiritual arrogance" rather than "spiritual humility".  I have been suffering this, believing it was part of my spiritual practice and excusing the others because I assumed  their level of spiritual development and consciousness was so much less than mine.  I told myself it was up to me to be the "more spiritual one".  How is that for arrogant?  Who am I to say they are less spiritual than me, less conscious and therefore that they"need me and my spiritual ways to guide them." They are exactly where they are meant to be  now in their evoluton and I am exactly where I am meant to be.  As it turns out...they are becoming the teachers here...not me. 

What do I need to do? 

Wow...I need to be able to say, "I feel anger when....; I feel aversion when....; I resent when..."  I need to be able to say..." This is not good for me...and this living arrangement is not going to go on....in the mean time...this is my house and this is what I want to happen in my home." I need to look at the individuals involved and say, "I am sensing or I understand that this place gives you the security and comfort you have been feeling like you need.  I understand that the idea of leaving will create anxiety and fear in you. I also undersatnd that you feel anger and sometimes aggression when I bring up  the fact that the situation has to change but these are your feelings.  You own them. I will, however, respect them and hear them. I will also do my best to support and  assist you with this transition, making it as easy as possible for you,  because I do care.  I cannot stop you from feeling pain...that is not my responsibility. This is your journey and I sincerely hope you find your way."  

Wow! I did say that recently ...maybe not in the exact same words but I did.  I am beginning to learn what the wise teacher teaching this lesson (Life)  wants me to learn.

Wow!

A lot of this insight clicked inside me after " randomly happening" upon this video below.

All is well.

Empath Help (July, 2020) Damaged Empath https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbGnin_fkbg

A Reminder to Achieve Through Conceiving and Believing.

 

Whatever the mind can conceive or believe, it can achieve.

Napolean Hill 

Wow! Serendipity has showed up again.  I usually try to have some quote or idea in mind before I come here to write. For today's quote and topic choice  I wrote down, "The mind that can conceive and believe, is the mind that can achieve."  I heard it again during a guided meditation I did this morning.  

My goal today was to relieve a little stress and worry.  Spent another restless night  tossing and turning, with one eye opened waiting for someone who I have been worried about to return home. So much suffering around me and sometimes it feels overwhleming.  I am "stressed" and I know I know...it is my mind that is creating that stress...but still I have stressful nights of worry.  

Anyway, so this morning I thought about my mind and my intention to be serene and peaceful no matter what is happening around me or to me. To get there, I need to go to the mind and reconstruct some of those thoughts and beliefs.  That is what I was going to write about! And I was going to begin with  that quote.

Before I opened up to new post, I reviewed the posts that were supposedly read by others in the last 24 hours...and lo and behold...of the dozen that were read...there was a post  with that very same quote on it from March 8, 2021.

Isn't that uncanny?  

All is well in my world. 

On Being Kind

 

Be kind whenever possible, and it is always possible.

Dalai Lama

I am thinking about kindness and how important it is to me.  I preach about it, teach about it, and try to make it my life mission. But...you knew a but was coming in there didn't you?...I don't know if I am really kind or if I am more concerned with the idea of being kind.  Do I really feel kindness as much as I "should"...(man I need to get rid of that "should" word but what I  mean is)...in the assumed requirements of my practice to attain and maintain a level of peace through the inner exploration and development of the attributes of compassion, metta-kindness, wisdom and love ...am I truly experiencing kindness or just doing a lot of thinking, acting and lip service about it? Am I just going through motions when the vehichle is actually empty of that feeling? 

I awoke in the middle of the night and asked myself that question.  

I enjoyed a lovely get together with highschool friends and acquantances last evening. I was once again welcomed into a circle of kind considerate beings who have been maintaining a connection and  enjoying getting together for years for no other reason than wanting to be together.  I felt honored to be welcomed in to that circle so warmly. Even though "kindness" was the feeling I got from that table...old patterns of core belief emerged that made me want to add on to that..."when I don't deserve it".  

Because of "trauma brain" I don't remember my high school years very well. I didn't stay connected like the others did...I walked away from all associations that would trigger my memory and  pain.  

I remember all these lovely ladies in some form or another, envying their connections with each other, their successes and their, what seemed on the outward surface, "very normal lives".  I liked all of them. I just felt because of my circumstances and what trauma had done to my thinking ....I paled in comparison.  I also never knew if they "liked" me or even remembered me at all. I don't remember clearly how I fit in there...assuming I didn't. How could I? Yet, this very special group from highschool, if I strain to remember, was always a very warm, non judgmental and  discrimation-free group. They are the same way now. They welcomed everyone in then and they welcome everyone in now. Wow!

I was shocked to have some of this group remember things about me that I don't remember. I don't know how to share with others that "I don't remember much!" so I go along with the memories hoping that I didn't do something strange or more importantly, unkind, in those events they recall. I could have been unkind but I truly hope I wasn't! 

So last evening, as they were happily sharing their recent life events...their children's weddings, their children's graduating from med school, the good jobs they or their children have gained in their professional roles, the experiences they are having that clearly show they are not worried about paying their mortgage, (none of this story telling was competitive or ego dominated...just fact) I felt myself sinking in my chair.  "Don't let them  ask me what is going on in my life, right now, please." I found myself praying, " or what my beautiful and wonderful children are doing."  I knew socially, I was no match...socially I did not fit in. ...socially they would not undersatnd my situation or my childrens'.

I just wanted to sit there and be kind, listen kindly, speak kindly, express gratitude kindly.  Kindness then was not necessarily expressed as  a natural flow of this energy I am developing ( and I am certianly developing it) but more as a defense mechanism. My mind ws once again telling me, " If you want to survive social situations without risking exposure...just be kind." 

That kindness I have been conditioned over the years to demonstrate outwardly to those I especially felt awkward around was always about putting others first. The kindness was never kindness for myself.  It was actually a learned  way of defending against my own inadeqaucies...Expressed kindness, whether it was genuinely felt or not, was a way of preventing  these inadequacies from being  exposed to self or others. When I got to know someone well...trust that they would not pick at my inadequacies...kindness was no longer needed as a defense mechanism and I would treat them at the same level I treated myself...and that was not always kind. 

That was quite an insight gathered from a lovely evening out and a bit of middle of the night ruminating.

The point is...I want to experience and feel kindness in a genuine and authentic way, beyond the "thought, action or lip service". And true kindness when we develop it fully is kindness for all and the "I"...this clump of flesh and personality is included in that all.  How can we be kind to others if we are not kind to ourselves?

Now I am getting there...I am.  I did reflect on this metta-kindness during meditation today. I felt it. Beneath my habitual use of it as a defense mechanism...  When I reflect and look deeply I can say I genuinely felt and feel it for all those lovely ladies who sat around the table last evening; I felt and feel it for those beings I had to painfully confront yesterday with my truth; I felt and feel  it for my most precious and suffering children; I actaully felt and it for all beings and I felt and feel it for myself.  I am getting there.

All is well 

Letting it Out

 

Of Itself So!

The Tao Te Ching

Hmmm! Sigh!  Big, big pathetic and drawn out sigh! Can you hear it?  Can you feel it?  

Sometimes we need to trust the spontaneous nature of Life and see the beauty and perfection in all of it. We need to be open to all truths hidden within us. That sigh represents release of that which was preventing us from opening.  I like to think that anyway. 

My Pathetic Sigh 

I am releasing a sigh of complete surrender to what is.  I am recognizing and accepting the months of "aversion" I have been feeling in reaction to my present living situation...the months of "shame and self deprecation" I have struggled through becasue of this aversion. I am releasing months of stuffed and denied feelings and thoughts so that which lay beneath can come out.  This gut feeling, so visceral, so intense, so demanding to be heard from the beginning of this section of my journey, an intuition and knowing   that I have been stuffing and ignoring...is out!  This sad and pathetic realization that the only one I truly was not caring for, not standing up for, not supporting  in the last 11 months or so was "me" (whoever this "me" is...whoever this  clump of flesh and busy mind is... in this situation) is out!  It all comes gushing out in one big,...SIGH!!! 

It is out!

I have been telling others besides the people involved (because they have been acting like they have not heard me) about my decision for change. I have outwardly expressed it in order to get the ball moving. I am not sure what the fall out will be. ...but that is not up to me, is it?

Just after I reached out to others, before I had a chance to once again  remind those directly involved  about this decision originally brought up months before...I get validation once again, that my gut feeling is something to heed....further supporting this decision. Hmmm!

I don't have to beat myself up for the things it tells me. I don't have to beat myself up and writhe in shame and guilt because I am not being kind enough, compassionate enough, understanding enough the way I think I "should" be if I am going to proceed towards awakening.  I don't have to resist my resistance, to deny, supress and repress these feelings of aversion I have been experiencing. I never did .  All I  ever had to do, was notice them, observe them, allow them, look deeply into them and see what inspired action would be most beneficial for all.  And that "all"  has to  include "me", not deny "me". The ompassion, loving-kindness, understanding  and service I am trying to practice was never meant to be exclusive of me...but to include me.  I...whatever this is "I" is...is part of the all! 

Sigh! 

I am not sure what will happen next.  How people will respond or react.  I have no control there.  I allowed it all to come out and now I wait for Life to take over.

All is well! 

Alan Watts/Wiara (June, 2017) See the Beauty in Everyone.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Il30lFERf9A

Heaven to Earth

[To express inspiration is...] to bring heaven down to earth and to express heaven in terms of earth.

Alan Watts

Expressing An Inspiration

 Oh man...so much learning and I absolutely love the learning! Some, well more than some maybe, will say I am wasting my time, being unproductive in socially expected ways, "addicted to the computer and books" and making a fool of myself sharing what I am learning here.  All I can say in response is, "Maybe...but I am not going to stop! This feels like the most productive thing I have ever done in my life...I cannot understand it or know why I am so pulled towards this learning and sharing but I am."

I  am just following an intuitive pull when I come here to this page, when I open one of the many books on my table, when I listen to the wise ones I run across on my morning videos. Even though I will likely never be an "expert", I am inspired to learn...to understand the truth, and then  to share everything I am learning. 

There is something inexplicable inside me that wants to come out...a light that wants to shine.  It is who I am, I suppose...who I really am, who I am in Heaven's eyes, not in the physical world's eyes.  So that is why my being here likely doesn't make sense to me or anyone else.  lol  Yet I want to try...try to express Heaven in terms of earth.

All is well. 

Sparks and Flashes of Light

 ...being willing to expand and see things from a larger perspective...is like looking at our small life on this planet from a great distance and from a great length of time.  It is the recognition that all created things pass, and what matters then is not how much we collect or what we make or do, but how we live this short dance, and how well we learn to love. Let us learn to live wisely even though life passes like a flash of summer lightening and a dream.

Jack Kornfield ( page 86)

Connecting thoughts from different sources again.  It is so uncanny how that happens...I will be reading or studying something and then I will run across that something...that tidbit of wisdom from other resources or sources  and it will be like "click" in my head.  Of course, in order for it to click completely it has to resonate with something already inside me. 

So the above qoute from Chapter Six of Seeking the Heart of Wisdom has stuck with me and I was able to connect it  to the thoughts that were  "randomly"  brought to my attention from others during my daily listening. 

Looking at our puny little lives from a larger perspective is game changing.  Eckhart Tolle in the video How Important is Our Personal Life? echoes that quote when he describes how we are one of billions of sparks of consciousness.  If we were above the earth, from some grand expansive distance, we would look down to see these billions of sparks flashing in and flashing out. Every  tiny speck of light appearing so bright for the briefest of moments ...then out...while a new spark flashes in.  Each spark comes in, learning what it is here  to learn by coming, and then it leaves. Coming, learning, leaving, coming, learning and leaving...a continous momentum of flashing light. 

What is each spark and what is it learning?   It is consciousness learning of itself with each flash in. 

Each spark, each flash of summer lightening, is not here to achieve success at the  level of form. It is not here to make a million dollars, find a soul mate, gain recognition for achievements from self and others. It is not here to climb Mount Everest or find the cure for cancer...It is not here to write a Pulitzer prize winning novel or to play the piano beautifully to thousands of fans at Carnegie hall.  I mean it is okay if it does any of these things but these types of achievements will always be those things , Jesus teaches , that  will be added on. But seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things will be added onto you. (Matthew 6:33 KJV)  Anythings besides a spiritual connection will not sustain us and they are not why we are here. 

We are  not here to suffer either.  We will only suffer if we do not recognize who we are while we are here.

We, these tiny sparks, these brief flashes of lightening, are here so consciousness can discover itself. We are  here to shine our light which is loving kindness on this world. We are not this world or of this world, we are just flashing through it. 

Many of us are so consumed with our personal goals and our personal problems ...in a state of delusion thinking , "It is all about me and what I am experiencing." 

I am so there sometimes...locked in this little version of my puny reality.  Come on!  I get so consumed with what I am confronting and reacting to that I lose the greater  perspective.  There is almost 8 billion people on this planet...8 billion tiny sparks...how can it all be about this one here? 

I mean...I ...who I really am...have a role to play.  I am a part of this amazing light show. I have a purpose here, just not in the sense the world makes us believe.  There is something in me so much greater than this clump of flesh, this overactive mind and the things I feel, sense or do. There is a light, a light of love in me. My mission is to simply let it shine as brightly as it can while I am in this clump of flesh, this overactive mind and expressing myself through the things I feel, sense and do. I need to focus on the light not the fleeting form.

That light in me is the same light in you. We are all just temporary expresions of it.  

This expression is a short dance...let's put away our delusions of "it is all about me" and learn to dance this dance beautifully while we can.  

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield ( 2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Colorado.

Eckhart Tolle ( July, 2021) How Important Is Our Personal Life? Eckhart Tolle Teachings https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62HiGSsOL7I

Conscious Being

 The Foundation for All Doing is Conscious Being.

Eckhart Tolle

 

Not me lol...I am the one behind the camera.

The Essence Beneath Circumstance

 You get a stronger sense of who you are in your essence when you are not telling yourself in your mind who you are.

Eckhart Tolle

Wow! I am thinking about that quote as I write my sister's story which is in a sense my memoir.  At the same time I write this I am attempting to discover my essence identity, to "wake up" to what is really important outside of story.  Of course I am doing that while "I"  am going through so many challenges in this world of form.  It is like Wow! I really don't know anything or how to get anywhere but know what I need to do is actually nothing...I don't need to do anything until I "be" first. 

Feeling Dissatisfaction 

I am feeling so much "dissatisfaction" with what is in my experience right now.  I am obviously still caught up in form identity more so than being rooted in essence identity.  I am trying though...I am ...to investigate , understand and disentangle myself from who I think I am and the resultant resistance of what is so I can settle into the "This is how things are!" the dharma teaches. 

Hmmm!  It ain't easy...let me tell ya.

Experiencing Essence

I did experience essence when I was suspended 150 feet above the rocky shore, rapelling down a cliff on Friday .  All the issues I am facing here were not on my mind let me tell ya.  I was more concerned as to where I put my foot so I didn't hurl face first into the sharp crevices of the cliff.    I also found my essence Kayaking around amazing natural wonders shooting the thousands of  Sandpipers that flew all the way from the artic,  the evening before. During this  in the moment stuff, essence and I were more than just communicating...we were one...we had to be.  I knew who I was and I loved every scary and breath taking moment of it.

Back to Reality 

Then I had to come back to face the things I was hoping to escape and the feelings of "This is not right! This is not what I want! "  just crept right back in.  They even intensified when some of my fearful concerns were validated to some degree the next day with yet another incident that broke my heart and left me worried and crying for hours.. It was like , "Oh man!"  There is so much feeling in me that I don't know how to handle. And because of past "nice girl" conditioning  and  my deep desire  to be a spiritual warrior on the path of knowledge (Goldstein and Kornfield, page 81 ) I feel so much shame that I am  so challenged to find peace and some semblance of happiness in this situation.  That I can't just let it be. 

No Wrong Feelings

Then serendiptiously I listened to Alan Watts today and his words consoled me. He taught that there are no wrong feelings. Our feelings are not wrong...they are just part of this ever changing , coming and going -"This is how things are!" One of the feelings that prevents me from taking action here is this shame and guilt I feel for my feelings.  Instead of gently but assertively (and I am discovering I really need to be very, very assertive here if I want to be heard) pushing for change I am beating myself up for wanting it, for "judging" this situation as something that is "wrong" for "me".  That is just not nice and just not spiritual in my mind.  The fact that I feel these feelings of aversion so strongly, in my conditioned mind, is shameful. 

Watts points out in the listed video below that feeling this shame leads to a pretending otherwise, a stuffing of the truth and an eventual increased intensity to the feelings we are trying not to feel.  I see that happening here. I am resisting these feelings I have...these honest, real feelings of aversion and therefore I am not pushing for change.  What might happen, if I do not look more deeply into them is that I might allow these feelings I am attempting to resist to push me toward "wrong action". I sincerely do not want to hurt anyone but these feelings are teaching me, if I really listen, that I am the one being hurt...and it doesn't have to be that way.

Sigh! 

We need to stop pretending, compensating for and  beating ourselves up for having feelings of aversion. There is nothing right or wrong about these feelings...they just are.  Sure we need to look deeply into them before we act on them and tehn we must act in an unharmful way but as long as we resist them...they will persist and the chances of blowing up and acting out in a harmful way increases. 

I don't want that either.  I truly do not want to hurt anyone...I just want to help and serve...but I need to include this clump of flesh in that mix I help and serve  as well. If we want to truly connect with this inner essence identity  we need to be as Watts reminds us, one with our feelings. 

Hmmm! 

All is well. 

Godstein & Kornfield ( 2001) The Heart of Wisdom. Shmabala Classics: Colorado

Eckhart Tolle (July, 2020) The Beginning of Awakening and Essence Identity.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_o2iOavxYI

Alan Watts/Wiara (Dec, 2017 ) Embrace All Your Feelings https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RnafTtXMYI 

Calming the Lake's Surface so We Can See

 

Calming the Lake's Surface  So We Can See

The lake is meant to be still,

a crystal clear tool of vision

allowing us to peer down to 

the  treasure chest of 

secrets 

hidden within its depth.

Yet these waters  

too often get disturbed by  

our endless wanting, 

averting, 

not caring, 

restlessness,

 and doubting. 

Wishes, 

like the dyes of a wreckless dexter,

spill onto the surface

in lovely streams 

of mesmerizing colours

that catch our eyes and 

prevent us  from seeing 

through the surface layer. 

We cannot see through Desire.

All the while, 

anger bubbles and boils  

in craters and cracks 

of stuffed memory.

Submerged 

volcanos of emotion, 

clustered  and tangled in knots 

erupt onto the surface,

creating foaming geisers 

that forcefully and noisliy distract

us from 

 what lay beneath.

We cannot see through Aversion.

In those pauses 

between eruptions

the water stills 

just long enough 

for sloth and apathy to creep 

across the surface, 

laying down a thick and slimy veil 

between what we see

and what is there.

We cannot see through Torpor.

Then the wind will blow

in mighty gusts 

stirring up the water,

making waves 

that thrash about 

like cunvulsing bodies.

Attention is taken 

away 

from the stillness

within the lake's depth

 and  is laid 

on  restless

white capped tips 

instead.

We cannot see through 

restlessness and worry.

And skepticism 

like a trembling oar

is used to  reach deep

into core beliefs

stirring and  

scraping up the 

bottom's muddy silt 

until  the view

below the surface 

is clouded

with a chocolate murkiness.

We cannot see through Doubt. 

As tantalizing as they may be 

to look upon,

gently swoosh away 

the colours of Desire

that float on the surface of your mind, 

just enough at first

for you to catch a glimpse 

of what is beneath them.

Know that clear untainted vision

is what you truly  want.

Intend then to prevent more spillage,

to choose clarity over colour.

Next, reach down below 

the gushing, bubbling surface 

and into those dark craters.

Run your fingers along the plates

broken by life's many forces;

soothe the energy there with 

your observation and acceptance

until the geisers  

diminish and subside. 

Deactivate your emotional volcanos

for the quiet that awaits.

Use the nets of breath and determination 

to scoop up the growing algae

on the surface

of your mind, 

so you can see 

beneath sloth and Torpor

to truth and true motivaton. 

Scoop away your apathy.

Harness the wind

that blows through your mind,

concentrate, 

use it well to create   the energy needed

to look beyond the restlessness

to the stillness that is always there. 

Remember that each wave is

 the still clear  lake it rests upon.

Put down your oar.

If you  do not disturb the mud

it will not  rise to the surface,

it will not hide the truth you long to know.

Faith will arise instead.

Just let the water be. 

Stir no more. 

 

© Dale-Lyn  August 2021

Inspired by the teachings in Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield ( 2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Colorado (Chapter 4: Difficulties and Hindrances, pages 44-56)

I am taking it beyond the cushion and into our approach to real life experiences. 

All is well. 

Traveller's Equilibrium

 Climb to Clarity and the Five Hindrances

 I took a step toward the mountain that seemed so very steep.

My goal and intention  was to climb it, to sit upon its peek

so I could, upon its  craggy perch, look out and truly see

all that was real and perfect in the world, and all that was in "me".

The sky was pure and clear around me as I began the tall ascent;

 I could see where I was heading, and the purpose I was meant.

The path, however, was quite bumpy  and it seemed so very, very long.

But I, determined, took one step upon the other and promised to be strong.

Hindrance One:  Desire

And just when   my breath was heavy and the thirst burned  within my throat

I spotted a caravan along the path in a place so deceptively remote.

 Its ownwer dressed in finest silk came out to greet me and kindly sit me down

in amongst the beautiful people who gathered all around.

He offered me the finest food and drink and everything my heart desired

and I found myself so pleasured, I forgot that I was tired. 

"That road to the top  is very hard" he cried, " full of sweat and agony

stay with me instead and surround yourself in perfect luxury." 

I  wanted what he had to offer,  all the pleasure he wanted me to share

but remembering my promise politely I declined  and left with pockets bare.

Hindrance Two: Aversion

I began once  again up the mountain, intent on getting to the top

but a dark cloud filled the sky, pouring  down its fury until I had to stop.

There squatting on the side of the path, gasping and in pain 

I saw a fellow travellor cursing and crying out  at the rain.

I stopped to see what was happening , to make sure he was okay

but he just swore at me with hissing breath and  swatted me away.

Yet when I walked past he  grabbed me and pulled me to the ground

he kept me a victim in his hold and I couldn't make a sound

until he had the opportunity to pour on me all his negativity and despair. 

When he was done he spat at me and released me from his snare.

Hindrance Three: Sloth and Torpor

When I walked away his dark cloud followed, hiding away the light

and my mind so full of darkness seemed to take away my fight

but I remembered my promise and  I travelled on, dragging  heavy feet

along the path to nowhere ,a path I wasn't sure I would conplete.

Though I kept on moving, with every step  I was pushing through a wall

How I despareatly just wanted to lie down somewhere and curl up in a ball.

The promise I made did haunt me though and I could not give up right then

so I continued to walk  up  the twisted  path that never seemed to end.

Hindrance Four: Resltlessnes and Worry 

Suddenly  I felt my step quicken and my heart become more free 

as the heavy weight of  torpor released its debilitating  hold on me.

It wasn't long however, before other  travellors came to block my way

worry and its restless forms had a million things to say.

 They jumped back and forth like monkeys, pulling me here and there;

they  listed all the things that could go wrong and told me to beware.

Chattering, spinning and pulling at my mind  they left me in a knot,

It took my promise and determination to fight them off with everything I got.

Hindrance Five: Doubt and Skepticism

Pushing past their grabbing hands, I carried on and headed up the hill

until another traveller got my attention and played havoc with my will.

In a voice all too familiar she listed the many reasons why I would surely fail

in getting to the summit at the end of this long and dusty trail.

"You are just  not good enough." she wailed. "You do not have what it takes to succeed

Besides what awaits at the top is just fantasy, it won't give you what you need."

Her words were so convincing they broke me, they dropped me to my knee

and I was about to give up on the journey and my desire to truly see

until I felt the sun break through the cloud, shining faith down on my head

and I was reminded of the promise I made and what the wise teachers said.

I got back up and walked past the doubts that were noisy and unkind

and followed the trail that before me began to so gracioulsy unwind.

Finally, I reached  the top of this mountain with its glorious scenic  ledge,

there I released the pressure of promise  I held within me and put away my pledge 

I sat down on its craggy edge and looked out before my inner eyes

to see the world clearly in all its amazing beauty without the mind's disquise.

I said a prayer of gratitude for all the hindrance that tempted and taunted me

and bowed my head and thanked it all for helping to set me free. 

Dale-Lyn February, 2021

Hmmm! Reading Chapter four of Joseph Goldstein's and Jack Kornfield's classic  Seeking the Heart of Wisdom (2001,Shambala: Boulder), on the difficulties and hindrances we may encounter on our way to clarity. This mind training is described as a journey of gaining and maintaining a  "traveller's equilibrium" .  As soon as I read that  I thought of this poem that just popped out of me in February.  The poem, is far, far from perfect but it  makes a heck of a lot more sense to me now. 

I took this poem as an exercise in my poetry workshop and revised it. Anyway it applies to what I am learning now. so amazing how everything falls together, isn't it? 

Revised Version: 

Climb to Clarity and the Five Hindrances

Only a moment ago I stood before this massive mountain,

determined to conquer its summit ,

to stamp my triumphant foot upon its peek

and look over the craggy edge 

with newly earned clarity,

I wanted to be able to finally see 

all that was perfect and real

in this world  and in me.

Even the early morning light was saluting me,

radiating support from a perfect blue sky

as I braced myself for this adventure.

I stood at the mountain base,

believing I was so prepared  to begin 

until suddenly

the path that would lead me to my destination

appeared before my untrained eyes to be 

so very, very rough and long.

My heart beat quickened. I wanted to turn around.

If it wasn’t for the invisible Sherpa

hidden within my chest whispering, “climb!”

I would not have moved forward.

The climber within, however, 

would do what it was here to do.

Sighing loudly I lifted my hiker above my reservations and

I took the first step to a better way of being. 

 

Hindrance One: Sensual Desire

I took one step then another, after that another.

I walked and walked and walked

until morning became noon.

The sun beat down upon my skin

turning it a vibrant red.

My muscles ached and the blisters on the souls of my feet bled,

still I walked and walked and walked.

Just when my breath took on the heavy quality of the exhausted

and the thirst of a dessert wanderer burned within my throat,

I spotted a caravan tucked into a remotely hidden alcove of shade.

It’s owner dressed in the finest mulberry silk,

and with heavy Gold bracelets clanking together on his wrists,

came out to greet me.

He guided me to a shady table in amongst the beautiful people

who smiled seductively at me as they gathered all around.

He filled my cup to overflowing and placed plate upon plate

of foreign delicacies in front of me until I found myself so pleasured

I forgot that I was tired.

While the drowsiness of satisfaction oozed through my limbs

he sat down beside me and smiled a perfect smile,

“The road to the top is very hard,” he warned me, “full of sacrifice and misery.

Why not stay behind and hide yourself in all the comfort and luxury I can provide?”

I so wanted to lean into his offer, to stay within his safe and shaded oasis,

to sample all the wonderful things he could provide for me

but once again that little voice inside said “climb!”

I politely put down my cup and leaving a small tip on the linen table cloth

I stood up and began the climb again.

Hindrance Two: Ill Will

Again, I walked and walked and walked,

pretending not to notice as the sky got dark above me

and the wind tugged at my hair and clothes

trying to warn me of what was to come.

I squished down the knowing and I walked.

Before long the sky opened up, pouring  down its fury.

I stopped to hide beneath the full maternal limbs of the nearest pine. 

As I stood there shivering and catching my breath

I heard the desperate voice of another cursing at the rain.

Ahead of me squatting on the side of the path, gasping and in pain 

was a fellow traveller expressing his suffering loudly

to the clouds above our head that  paid no heed.

I left my flimsy shelter and ran to his side to see if he was okay.

He just hissed at me under his breath and swatted me away

as he continued to curse at the sky.

I began to retreat to leave him alone with his misery

but he reached out his hands and grabbed my legs

knocking me down to the ground .

He lay on top of me with all his weight.

I could not move.  I could not cry.  I could not make a sound. 

He spat out his pain and dripped out his resentment,

soaking me with his wrath. 

Then when he was done he got up and

kicked dust in my face before he walked away.

Broken and bruised I lay where I was for what seemed

Like a very long time.

 “Climb!” the little voice within demanded.

Hindrance Three: Sloth and Torpor

I got up then and tried to shake the heaviness of the other off

but his weight would not leave me.

The dark cloud that rained on him followed me,

hiding away any trace of  light.

My mind, so full of his darkness, 

lost its will to go on.

“Stop!" It cried, "rest, you are tired!”

but I remembered my promise and  I travelled on,

dragging heavy limbs

and even heavier thoughts behind me.

I continued to trudge the path to nowhere ,

the end of which I was so sure I would never meet.

Every step required an effort I did not seem to have.

I wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere

and go to sleep forever.

The little voice, so weak but still persistent,

continued to whisper, “Climb!  Climb!  Climb!”

So I pushed past sloth and torpor and I climbed

 

Hindrance Four: Restlessness and Worry 

With head down I planted one foot  and then the other

I walked and walked and walked.

As I walked on, my determination lifted me somehow,

making each step easier

until it seemed I overcame the obstacle and

had a sense the remaining path would be clear.

As soon as I whispered, ‘thank goodness’ through my labored breath,

other travellers came from nowhere to stand in front of me.

Worry and its restless forms surrounded me and blocked me from going farther.

 The noisy, squawking journeymen jumped back and forth like monkeys,

 pulling me here and there; listing all the things that could go wrong.

Chattering, spinning and pulling at my mind 

they tied me in a knot.

Tangled up and  frightened

I found myself once again unable to go farther

I could not seem to move.

In amongst the fear that rumbled in my belly

came the whisper once again, “Climb!”

I untangled myself from the chaotic mess

turned to Worry and monkey mind’s gang and said

“No !I will not let you stop me!”

Hindrance Five: Doubt and Skepticism

Pushing past their grabbing hands,

I carried on and headed up the hill

so sure that after so much struggle

my temptations would be over.

Life had other plans.

Another traveller jumped from the bushes

before me and stood in my way. 

In a voice all too familiar Doubt painfully listed

the many reasons why I would  fail

in getting to the summit at the end of this long and dusty path.

"You are just not good enough." she wailed.

"You do not have what it takes to succeed

Besides what awaits at the top is just New Age nonsense,

it won't give you what you need."

Her words were so convincing they broke me;

they dropped me to my knees;

And I found myself bent over, unable to go on.

I was so sure that this time, it was it.  It was over.

I turned myself around, following Doubt’s pointing finger

for the quickest way to crawl back to the bottom.

And just when I was about to make  my retreat

the sun broke through the cloud, pouring 

the golden healing light of hope down on me.

I was reminded of my commitment and the voice within me

 once again whispered, “Climb!”

I got up for the last time,

I turned myself around and walking past Doubt 

 I followed the trail before me.

It began to so graciously unwind.

 

I walked and walked and walked.

I climbed and climbed and climbed.

Just when my body cried, “No more!”,

the finish line appeared in front of me,

illuminated in the golden red of sunset.

I had  reached  the top of this mountain 

with its glorious scenic  ledge.

 I sat down on its craggy edge 

and looked out with newly earned inner eyes

to see the world in all its amazing beauty 

more clearly than I ever did before.

I seen myself reflected in its depth

and I seen it reflected in me. 

It was all so perfect exactly as it was.

Weeping in both exhaustion and awe, 

I said a prayer of gratitude

for all the hindrances that tempted 

and taunted me along the way.

I knew then that Life was not there to punish me 

but to challenge me,

to activate the inner Sherpa within me 

so I would climb to my freedom... 

...so I could see what I was meant to see

and  be what I always was.

 

©Dale-Lyn February, 2021

All is well!