More on Trauma

 The past is never dead, it is not even past.

William Faulkner

I came across this video from Tara Brach today and it beautifully explained what I have expienced over the weekend so perfectly. She spoke to how we may react to a trauma trigger and be taken back to the all too familiar feelings of shame and guilt. 

She explained that trauma is a cutting off or disconnecting from  the Real Self and recovery is a reconnecting. 

In trauma we may expience enough of an assault on our nervous system in the form of intense fight, flight or freeze that , as the shamans say, the soul checks out of the body. We lose our sense of who we really are and get lost in the drama. This is traumatizing. 

We spend the rest of our lives skirting around this very active but hidden self in fear that it will somehow make itself known in a different way.  I also see that which is hidden will surface...eventually..like what my trauma pain is doing. It just needs a trigger.  That reactivation sets off another spiral of fear and shame...we do not want this to be exposed or judged. 

The point is...There is no escaping or getting around it...just  going through it. :) We do gradually with a lot of patience, awareness and self compassion. This compassion is three part: empathy for the suffering, benevolence toward it and a desire to help if we can. 

We learn to create space around it to observe, notice, allow, accept unconditionally and to offer a little loving compassion. The more we take it in the less attachment we have to the past. The less attachment...the less it impacts us. 

Falling asleep for some reason...will be back on this topic. 

Tara Brach ( March 2021) Healing Trauma, the Light shines through the Broken Pieces. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR-DN7JYSLo

All is well 

PTSD and Triggers

 PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of major proportions with massive repercussions.

Susan Pease Banitt

Trauma Triggers and Reactions

I have come so far in life, in terms of healing from past trauma.  I really have but there is still one trigger that sends me spiralling backwards into my unconscious pain in what seems like a sneeze.  That trigger is nursing.  It...and more specifically the imposter syndrome I was never ever able to grow away from in my 30 years of nursing... has this undetermined power, it seems, to drown me in fear and shame. I dream about it at night and in these dreams I am flondering around making mistakes and doing harm.  I still, to this day, ruminate over the mistakes I may have made in nursing school or in those early years, and in order to accomodate the mind's negativity,  I forget or dismiss all the wonderful and brilliant things I was able to do for or give to patients and students  in this role over the years. I focus only on what I did or could do wrong. I will even over-think for hours or days when I leave a situation where "I  acted like a nurse"  in someone else's presence...going over and over again...what I should or should not have said or done, what I could have done better etc. And this pattern of mental over kill happens so fast.  It seems I don't have time to prepare for it...The trigger is pulled...the blast hits...and I am thrown back 45 years into the source of it all where I will stay for much longer than is comfortable. 

I recently went for an involuntary swim in a very familiar and deep pool of inadeqaucy...by agreeing to help out people I care very much about and whom I would love to help. I performed a (normally self-care procedure) I was not completely prepared for ( my responsibility only) and which I would have performed hundreds of times in the past...but not on this particular person with an individual set of conditions and needs. 

Shot!

The all too familiar thought arose as soon as it was finished, "Are you sure you didn't do more harm than good? You are not really a  nurse, you know!"  It was like : What the ...?; where the heck did that come from?" The thought would not go away! My fairly peaceful and serene mind that I had worked so hard at establishing slipped away. I got shot with a trauma bullet out of nowhere it seemed ( though it really was not out of nowhere.) I was instantly filled with ruminating, self depreciating thoughts and feelings of worry and dread.  It happened so fast and it was mentally overwhelming. 

Because I was away from that feeling for so long it felt even more awful in contrast to the peace I have been experiencing since I put my professional role down. I was reminded  how that type of mental noise constantly filled my mind when I was in uniform or lab coat. I realized just how bad it was for me all those years I nursed.  Why I wanted to avoid it, Why I got sick in that role. 

Not the Trigger but the Trauma

Now I know that the cause for my lack of mental peace has little to do with the circumstance or nursing. It is not the nursing role...or the procedure ( well a little bit...I am rusty and I was probably never meant to be a nurse) ...The source of  my "suffering"  goes much deeper and much farther back than yesterday. In fact, ironically, I literally could look out the window of the place I was at and see the place where it all began...a place I lived a life time ago.. It was a double whammy trigger. 

The mental pain followed me around nagging and distracting, keeping me from being able to focus on what was happening in my present moment.  I could not walk away from it. I think it surprised me more than anything. "Wow!  I am suddenly back here, thinking and feeling this way!  I thought I was more evolved than this. I thought I was all over this nonsense." Well, I am obviously not!

Trauma Recovery: A Life long Process

Trauma pain , I am learning, does not go away.  We can learn to spend a great deal of our time in the  present moment despite it as I have learned to do but if something pulls the trigger...chances are you are going to feel the sting of the bullet finding its mark. We will have a PTSD reaction.  My trauma pain is greatly diminished and very, very mangeable these days, true; even this reactivation is manageable but the trauma pain is still there and will be activated whenever Life touches my stuff.  And Life is going to touch my stuff! That is a given. 

Improving!

What I can do differently now, that  I did not have the skill set to do in the  years I actively nursed, is observe my mind and body...observe this particular  pattern of mental behaviour that comes from trauma induced fear and shame.   It is so cool to notice where I am feeling it in the body; notice what types of thoughts are flittering around in my head; notice how these thoughts are preventing me from truly focusing and being in the present moment.  It really is quite amazing to be able to see what is going on.

I can also understand it all better and thus accept this post trauma reaction in me because I do know where it all comes from.  That way I am not only more accepting of it but also of myself. 

I used to beat myself up ...causing suffering on top of suffering for my PTSD and my inability to avoid the extreme reactions I had to triggers. But now that I see it all so clearly ...it makes it easier to deal with.  That doesn't mean I don't feel the anxiety, fear, shame or that my mind is able to ignore all those uncomfortable thoughts that are popping up in my head but I simply notice, feel, allow, accept and understand.  I am much, much more gentle with myelf and accepting of what is.

Point of this big long speil? In managing triggered reactions in PTSD we couild benefit by:

1. accepting the fact that trauma pain and memory will not go away completely and will likely have some impact our lives forever. 
2. facing your triggers and therefoe your pain. Sure be aware of your triggers and maybe limit the expereinces to some degree but do not avoid all triggers all the time.  I am learning that facing this nursing trigger will help me to deal and make my way through my trauma pain.
3. Noticing your reaction to triggers.  When you are suddenly feeling a good dose of shame and fear, ask yourself, "Is this a PTSD thing?" Then watch what your mind is doing, what your emotions are doing, what your body is doing? 
4. Making  a seperation between what you are experiencing and you, as the observer...that way you will not get lost in the reaction.
5.  Not resisting: Don't resist it and don't get yourself all rawled up thinking and saying things like, "This should not be!  This is wrong!" It is what it is...you have had some trauma, it got stuffed inside you somewhere and Life came and poked at it...causing an emotional reaction in you. Might not have been pleasant but it is what it is.  Lean into it ...not away. 
6. Allowing  and embracing these reactions to triggers as learning opportunities.  I am learning to say, "Oh this is just a reaction to a trauma  trigger I am experiencing. Hmmm!  That is interesting...look how it makes me think and feel...hmmm...I wonder what Life wants me to do with this? What about the original source of it...am I to look a little more into that? etc" 
7. being compassionate and patient with self.  Healing from trauma is a life long process and the last thing you need right now is an enemy in your mind. You have had enough of that kind of suffering, haven't you?   Be a friend to yourself, and that means learning to be friendly with trauma and these yucky reactions to triggers.
8. Speaking your trauma to someone else...or at least tell  a trusted someone, "I am feeling anxious or worried or ashamed right now because this thing has triggered some truama pain in me." Just by saying out loud that there is a trauma pain and a trigger  makes it all more real for you and less ominous and lonely making.  Chances are the person will understand.  They may even be able to relate becasue of their own expereince with trauma . 

I wrote a book about this...yes I did...but I cannot cite it because it is yet to be published. :( 

All is well in my world!

 All the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact: they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.

Blais Pascal, Penses 139

Pretending Away From Now

 The place where you are is the place where you are always pretending you need to be somewhere else.

Alan Watts

Think about that line above for a minute.  .....Okay , now go back and read it and think about it again. :) 

Pretty cool eh? Where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be...infact, there is nowhere else to be. This is it!  Yet, in this place where you are supposed to be your mind is constantly telling you, you need to be somewhere else. 

You need to go back, it says,  and "do" something about whatever happened in the past.  I mean, you know you can not physically go back in time...but you can go mentally back, maybe to erase certain features that memory has painted on your psyche,or supress, repress and keep your hand there holding it down, like a rubber ducky, in a bath tub so it doesn't pop up and scare you. Exhausting!  Maybe your mind is telling you ...you have to rationalizeyour part in the event  in some way to ease the shame and guilt you are feeling or maybe it is telling you to give yourself a good beating for it.  Maybe the mind is pulling you back because it is rationalizing the need for that drink or that unhealthy and unhelpful activity you are about to partake in .  Yeah...you with the mind's guidance  often pretend  that you need to be in the past.

And we definitely pretend we need to be somewhere up there in the future.  That I believe is the true disease of our generation...the using this moment to get somewhere up there.  We are always planning and worrying, conniving and thinking ahead...with this honest and sincere belief that is what we are supposed to do. We drag "to-do" lists behind us that are 20 feet long with plan A, and Plan B...and "what to do if all else fails" written on them. We think that we can somehow control life but as Alan Watts reminds us, we do not know how to interfere with the way the world is.  It just is. 

Even in our spiritual practices ...we seek to get ahead. We say things like, "When I get there to that state of realization or enlightenment, then I will enjoy the moment as it is."  

How ironic is that?  When enjoying, allowing, embracing the moment for what it is is the spiritual practice and the spiritual achievement at the same time. 

Yet, we view this moment we are in , which is the only time there is,  as an inconveneince, especially when it offers things that we judge as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be".  In our resistance of this moment we create or add to our experience of suffering. We are not getting anywhere. 

You do not need more time; you do not need more suffering.  You need time [for realization]only until you realize you do not need more time. Eckhart Tolle

When are we going to get it? Where we are right now is where we are supposed to be because it is the only place to be. What is "happening" right now is supposed to be happening because it is the only place where it can happen. 

Hmm! Something to think about.

All is well! 

Suffering: Supposed to Be

 There is not a grain of dust in the whole universe that isn't where it is supposed to be. 

Alan Watts

Still thinking about suffering in the form of "stress",  what makes it and what helps diminish it.  I came across this video by Alan Watts today and though I only got 30 minutes in before Life called me away...I heard  everything I was feeling and thinking echoed in the words of this very wise man who so effectively took the wisdom from the east and made it contemporary in the west. He had a gift and he used it well.  He had a mission and, I believe he nailed it...even if he was not well accepted by the more traditional institutions of North America and Europe at the time. Anyway, I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to tap into that wisdom so easily now. I am grateful for my own evolution that took beyond my fear based conditioning to where I can be open to this teaching.

Anyway, back to suffering. Watts  mentioned how ego leads us into a futile attempt at resisting pain through establishing a posture of chronic muscle tension...as if by tensing  up the body we can stop the "bad" things from getting in.  It, of course, reminded me of the issue I have with my jaw and teeth. 

He also spoke about resistance and validated my belief that resistance to pain is a very big social "problem' and a cause of so much of our collective suffering  We are taught, at a very young age,   to avoid pain because we are taught it is "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" (have an article coming out with that title). So we resist and struggle against or avoid/numb from anything that is judged or believed to be painful.  When we do this we resist such a big portion of Life because the so called 'negative' aspects of Life are just as much a part of existence as the so called 'positive'.  We not only resist Life but we resist our true Self.

In our dualistic tendencies we tend to view that the life circumstance or 'happening' is one thing and the person it is said to be happening to is another thing.  We are always breaking things down into nouns and verbs...where there is a noun, there must be a verb; where there is an action or something done, there must be a doer; where there is a happening there must be a doing. Watts challenges that notion by saying This happening is not happening to you becasue you are the happening. Happening and doing are one and the same.  So no matter what we do or what we 'don't do' we cannot prevent suffering from 'happening'.  

A wonderful thing, however, takes place within when we learn to accept, allow, and embrace suffering without our judgements and perception.  We open up to Life and all it is.

Hmm. The stress I am experiencing right now...simply is. I truly do want to lean into it rather than tensing up agaisnt it. What helps me is learning that everything that is happening is happening just the way it is meant to. These circumstances are not random punches from the Universe...that I should duck and avoid...they have their purpose and their place.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Uncle Evevy ( Jan, 2021) The Inevitable Ecstasy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzjIKqO5ILI

The Cause of Stress

 

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

William James 

Clenching Up In Stress

I clench my teeth when I am stressed.  I have really been clenching over the last eight months...I mean big time.  So much so that the last dental Xray I had done showed several cracked teeth and being that I can not afford a dental plate, there will more until I deal with my body's instinctive reaction to stress.  I am sooo stressed...to the point my experience with it  is breaking my teeth and making me sick. What I really need, though, is not a  sedative, not a dental plate nor a diagnosis for what is causing the pelvic pain...but an elimination of or at least a reduction in the amount of stress I am living through. Stress is the culprit and the body is just reacting to it. 

The Cause? 

What is really causing my stress? Is the fact that I have all these challenging  external circumstances and events taking place at once the cause of  my stress? Is Life and other people to blame? No! I have learned enough to know that it is not the circumstances that are causing this expereince of "stress" in me but my mind.  There is no problem except in the mind. 

Not the External Circumstances

Sure there has been a lot in the last eight months: having someone with a life threatening addiction come into my home and have to witness (and occassionally be target for) the neurological damage, the psychosis, the tremendous struggle with addiction itself that plays out in front of me; witnessing damaging enabling; the sense that a relationship is falling apart because of it;  having a child who is so, so unwell in other ways(life threateningly)  and not being able to help her;  my son's broken relationship and the unfair way he was treated in regards to his paternal rights by people who were lifelong friends; having him move back in; another daughter losing her baby; the unexpected death of a sister-in -law; my own sister's heart attack in December and her struggle with even bigger things that I am powerless in helping her with; the struggles my youngest has on  a daily basis with her anxiety; having my deeply invested source for potential and much needed income ( yoga studio) be taken away by COVID; the monthly struggle to pay the mortgage so I can keep my finacial independence in this relationship in an attempt to cling to this idea of "my" home; debt and bills I cannot pay; the waiting to find out if I had breast cancer or not; the pelvic issue that keeps me up at night and leads me on yet another "wait" to find out what that is; just having to "health seek" in any way and how that reopens old wounds in me; the new genetic possibility and another potential big decision I might have to make in the future; wanting it all over with but having to wait for my sister to participate when her situation right now makes her ability to do so unpredictable; feeling sick; menopause; a loss of healing space in my own home; and like everyone else on the planet this little clump of flesh is living trough a pandemic as well. 

There has been alot of stressors in eight months and some of them are fairly big...yet these are not the cause of my stress.  My mind is...more specifically...my perception and judgement is.

The Mind's Judgement Induced Perception: The Cause of Stress

Huh? 

I used to teach that stress is a phyiscal and mental reaction to a "percieved" threat. 

• So number one: Stress  is a reaction ...Stress is not the mother bear that stands on the other side of the cub you came across on your hike in the woods. It is how your body and mind react to it that makes stress.  It is not the circumstance but the reaction to it. So though it seems I have had a lot of things thrown at me to deal with in the last eight months, a lot of mother bears to face...I am not cracking my teeth or getting sick because of them.  I am cracking my teeth and getting sick because of what my mind and body are doing in reaction to these things. 
• And my body does what the mind tells it to do.  The mind must first say, "This is a threat! React!" For my problem with clenching...the mind has told the body to stay tense and alert.  "At any time now you are going to have to run, fight or curl up in a little ball.  Be ready!" So my jaws just obliged.  It also tells the immune system, "Okay!  I am  laying you off to conserve energy for fight and flight." The immune system obliges and walks away from its jobs ...and things can change on the cellular level without it doing its job.  
• The subjective experience of stress ...the "feeling" of stress, worry, dread, fear  also comes about because of what the mind is saying and reporting. "Danger!!!" That message comes from what it is perceiving.  It is "perceiving" a threat to its survival, whether that survival be physical, emotional, mental, or financial etc. 
• Perception comes from making a judgement.  And that judgement we see the mind using in response to challenge that leads to stress is, "This is bad, wrong or shouldn't be!"  When I was more or less told I might have cancer...I judged it as 'bad, wrong, shouldn't be', felt fear and then pereceived it as as a threat to my physical survival. When I realize how much pain a loved one is in...I judge this  as 'bad, wrong, shouldn't be' and it becomes  a threat to my emotional and mental survival as a parent. When I realize I cannot make my mortgage payments that is perceived as a threat to my financial survival. These circumsatnces are all a part of Life doing what Life does.
• It is not the possible diagnosis, the suffering of a loved one or the lack of income...it is my reaction to it.The perception is the problem...and the perception of threat comes from the mind's judgement. 

So what do we do then to help eliminate or reduce the stress we are experiencing?  Especially when we have no control over it?

• The serenity prayer comes in handy here: we accept what we cannot change, and change what we can.  Knowing the difference between what we can and cannot change is important.  I loook at my so called "stressors" and say...I can change some. I can't change others. I can change my living situation if I absolutely have to.  I could kick everyone out! I am not going to do that lol but I could. I cannot make them stop using, make them stop enabling but I can change my limit setting and boundaries. I cannot change what is going on in my body right now but I can make changes in lifestyle and treatment so it doesn't get worse. 
• And most importantly, we can change our judgements and perceptions. Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.  (Hamlet) Life is a series of coming and goings, peaks and valleys, joys and sorrows.  It is just the way it is. 
• If it is something we cannot change, we realize number one, that it is not the thing that is the problem but what the mind is doing with it.  Just watch your mind and see how it is dealing with this...what judgements is it making about this thing? 
• If you are percieving a threat, ask yourself , "Is this really a threat to me?" Very few things we react so strongly to are actually threats to our survival.  Many times we over react and perceive a threat when no real threat is there.  We nee dto put things into persepctive and not automatically jump  everytime the mind calls out "Danger!" 
• And if you know it is a threat to you at the physical or psycho social level...ask, "Is it a threat to the "real" me, though ?"  That quetsion helped me so much when my world seemed to fall apart after  I got sick and couldn't work. I lost so much of what I thought was important and it felt like part of me was constantly being threatened.  I realized after a long inward questioning  that the only part of me that was being threatened by the loss of income, title, role, recognition was my ego not who I really am.  Nothing real can be threatened (ACIM).  The only thing being threatened by cracked teeth and disease is my body.  I am not my body.  Well that helps me, anyway. 

So to sum it all up, it isn't the circumstances that cause stress but our reaction to them. Our reactions are created my perceptions which are in turn created by our judgements. Let's go there to determine the cause of stress as well as the solution for it. 

All is well!

Unhappiness Addiction

 Most people are addicted to their suffering.  It is the ego's way to maintain a small, seperate little me that is constantly in conflict with the world.We are scared that without our suffering we won't really know who we are. 

Loner Wolf

Addiction to Unhappiness?

Is it possible to be addicted to unhappiness?  It certainly is, and I believe that most of us are to some degree.  

Eckhart Tolle teaches that it is the pain body (a big clump of stored memory, trauma and pain that was not released the way it could have been from the body because of mental resistance to it that become a hungry little psychic gremlin in most of us)  that likes suffeirng and for many of us the pain body is the dominate force in our relationships with others and with life.  We allow our emotions, without meaning to, to carry us off into the familiar path of "Look at me and how much I am suffering." As I witnessed in myself last evening, it often even goes beyond to the, "Not only look...but feel this suffering with me."  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91ST2gtR44

 

I am getting better at recognizing when I am being carried off or have been carried off and I am able  to bring myself back more often than not.  And it is quite cool to be able to witness it happening . 

An Example

I got together with my sister and sister-in-law for a glass of wine  last evening.  It has been the first time I seen either of them in months.  As we were sharing how life was for each of us since we last were together, I caught myself sharing in this way: First I was deflective , not wanting to talk about myself because I didn't want to focus on the negative. When the conversation started to get a little negative, I joined in.   Then I began to share superficial neutral things in terms of emotional stimulation. As we progressed I began to share a little of the "heart ache" and as I did, I found myself 'getting something from it' .  I was getting lost in the idea of me as the victim again, the tragic heroine. I was mentally comparing my stressors with theirs.  Then I wanted to take it farther...I didn't...but I wanted to.  I wanted them to come along on this journey of misery with me.  I wanted them to "ooohh" and "awe" over my challenges.  They did to a degree.  But I wanted and expected more and more. Ego was whsipering in the background, "They are not validating you enough . You are looking for validation and you can not get it.  They  truly don't see or care what it has been like for you.  Add that to your list of woes." Then...I caught myself and what I was doing.  I pulled back and got quiet again.  I realized that this is a very familiar thing I do especially around my sister when I am talking about my life. Her "It is not that bad " response is very familiar too...it is just a practical minded attempt to keep me from getting stuck in a mindset of suffering and also a way to remove herself from the line of "guilt attack" the pain body of one always directs to another. 

Well I seen it all clearly last night and was so grateful that I did. ...before I got too lost in my negativity. It was like saying "no" to another drink. 

Being Aware of Addictive Potential

We are often addicted to our unhappiness.  It has some elusive but very powerful pull to it.  But just like drugs and alcohol...if we are not cautious and participating in moderation...we can get pulled down pretty fast by this addiction.

Just like admitting to having a problem is the first thing an alcoholic has to do in their recovery, recognizing and being aware of our problematic mind patterns is the first thing we have to do.  Recognize the pull negativity and unhappiness has on you and be mindful when you are offered an opportunity to share how it could go.  By all means share and vent to those who care when you need to to...but just be careful of the motivation behind it and how it affects you.  That's all. 

All is well.

Dana Prajna Paramita

 Even though something has no material or relative value to any "small I", it has value in itself.  Not to be attached to something is to be aware of its absolute value. Everything you do should be based on such an awareness, and not on material or self centered ideas of value.  Then whatever you do is true giving, is dana prajna paramita. 

Suzuki (1970) page 50

Hmm! I felt compelled to come here this morning and ask the questions I have been asking for years.  Am I truly giving?   Do I let go and detach from what I offer?  Who is doing the giving anyway...small I" or the "big I" ? 

I truly want to make the rest of my life about giving and I have so little "material" to give anymore.  All I can seem to have left to give is my presence, my learning and my words. Is it enough? 

Dana prajna paramita is true giving  on our crossing over to the  true wisdom of life  and giving is nonattachment.  So what I do here every morning...what is it? Is it dana prajna paramita? 

...to give one line, or even one word of teaching is dana prajna paramita. If given in the spirit of non attachment , the material offering and the teaching offering have the same value. page 49

I honestly do not know if my giving here  is done in the spirit of non attachment but I think it is.  I am not really seeking anything of material value from this, nor am I seeking recognition.  And really...the "small I" I knew would not put herself up on a blog site about such topics for random people to read ...she would be too concerned about what others would say or think.  And I do know, especially with the poetry that comes out here, it isn't 'me' doing the creating. It is much bigger than that. It is the "big I' that brings me here every morning to do what I do, and give what I give.

Actually, to create with the "big I"  is to give; we cannot create and own what we create for ourselves since everything was created by God. page 49

I know "small I" is definitely still around, checking to see if what I wrote was read, or if it sounded "okay".  I do my best to let go of what I write as soon as I write it, without judgement or concern for where it goes from there.  That feels so good when I can do that.  It is getting easier ...but ...I still don't "know" if what I do here has value or if  I have given up all my self centered ideas of value. I don't know.

Hmmm!  But this comforts me:

...to give one line of the teaching may be to make a ferry boat for someone. page 49

I like the idea that I just might be a small part of some Grand Plan for  making a ferry boat for someone to cross over to a better way of being.

All is well!

Shunryi Suzuki ( 2020) Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind 50th Anniversary Edition. Kindle edition

 Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending and hanging on.

Eckhart Tolle 

                                                              Miss my old friend! 

Grateful for Weeds

 You should be grateful for the weeds in your mind, because eventually they will enrich your practice.

Shunryu Suzuki (page 17)

Why do we refer to a dandlion as a weed and not a flower? 

Today I am going to talk about weeds.  Now I have written about weeds before asking the question, "Why do we make such a big distinction between the dandelion and the rose? Both have the same purpose in life, don't they?"

I have had great appreciation for the dandelion for a long time. I noticed how bees and butterflies flocked to them every spring as they waited for  the June frost to leave and the roses to bloom.  They were their intermediate food source. The dandelion serves a very, very important function.  

(Okay not a dandelion...but it is  a weed lol) 

Not Ugly; Not Beautiful

And I realized one day while I was shooting them, they are not "ugly" to anything but our  collective conditioned mind that says, "These are weeds.  They shouldn't be.  Mow them down so the lawns are perfect and orderly looking!"  Come on!  Nature isn't orderly nor is she meant to be.  Those dandelions are neither beautiful flowers or ugly weeds...they just are.  They are meant to be on our lawn for a very important reason! 

Resistance and "No Mow May"

I was so thrilled to hear of "No Mow May" in my parts. Environmentalists are encourging people not to mow their lawns in the month of May...to allow for dandelions to grow and  hopefully feed our drastically dwindling bee populatoin.  You do realize that without bees, the planet would not be pollinated...therefore there would be little food to sustain us humans?  We are so dependent not only on our pollinators but on the "weeds" they get pollen from. Yet every year we resist with a vengeance and mow down, or worse add more poison to the earth, in our resistance of these weeds. Weeds that could enrich our planet and at the very least allow for its survival. Yet we judge them as "bad, wrong and shouldn't be" and we struggle to destroy them. 

Even despite  this plea from environmentalists, I am only one of a few households that have not mowed.  Most people around me prefer a semblance of order to feeding bees. They remain unconscious.  That is not a judgement of righteousness on my part.  It is simply the way it is.  I do not blame my neighbours  for that or fight with them for that.  It is just the way it is.  All I can do is focus on my yard and that which I have control.  

Weeds in the Mind

Just like I can only focus on what is growing in my mind.  There are a lot of weeds up there, let me tell ya.  I used to think when I began practicing in my quest for serenity, that I need to struggle against, kill or mow down all the weeds I had in my mind...all the negative thoughts, all the nasty feelings.  I still operated under  the conditioned belief that many of us do.  "Cling to good...get rid of the bad".  In order to do that we had to first look to others to have them help us determine what ws good and what was bad.   Positive thoughts, circumstances and feelings were like the roses, negative thoughts, circumstances and feelings were like the dandelions. In our attempt to create orderly mind-lawns  many of us beleive we really have to get rid of mental weeds. 

Those weeds in our mind, just as the dandelions on our lawns do, serve a very important purpose.  They really do not differ from the roses and the petunias...in anything but our judgement of them. They can help nourish us. Simply allowing and accepting the so called "negative"  can help  pollinate a life of serenity for all of us. Resisting them and fighting against them, pulling them out with force, just keeps us from the peace we long for. Even if we pull them out...we must do so gently and effortlessly and then we leave them where they are to nourish the soil of our life expereince. 

What we resist persists

What I notice about thoughts and feelings  we resist ...is that they just persist more.  I notice too, when I look out at the yards that do not adhere to "No Mow May", the dandelions just grow back more ferociously. What we resist persists.

Anyway, I am learning to be grateful for the weeds on my lawn and the weeds in my mind.

All is well! 

Shunryu Suzuki (1970) Zen Mind, Beginners Mind. Shambhala

 Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.

Ralph Waldo Emersen 

My ego, as you know, leads me to my stats page every morning so I can read what others have recently read.  I came across something from February 2017 about an opposite challenge practice I was doing. In that entry I used  my inability to maintain  my household in a way I liked as the example of what I didn't want in my present set of circumstances. The last column of a working chart depicts the tangible and measurable specifics of what I wanted . Since that entry I will highlight in that column what I actually manifested or came to be.   It is pretty cool. 

What I don’t want in my life right now that I might be stuffing or resisting	I accept	What I want in my life ...the Opposite of what I don't want	Things that will assist this to happen
I have  a house right now that is often dirty, messy, cluttered, dusty, smelly, full of dog hairs, with an oven in desperate need of cleaning, floors that never look clean even when they are. I feel too tired to do more than I am doing and it is getting out of control.  It is chaotic.  I and the kids are embarrassed to have people over because of it.  My daughter is ashamed of it and I feel guilt and shame for this part of my parenting…I am not providing a clean enough environment for my children.  I also worry that others…neighbors and her friends and their parents might not understand my predicament and think I am lazy and neglecting my children because of the state of my house. I do what I can but it is obviously not enough	I accept that my house is not the way I want it or believe it should be right now and that I am not keeping up with 100% of my parenting responsibility; nor am I meeting social expectations....during this time I perceive a lack of energy, and prioritize differently than others might	I want a cleaner home: one that smells fresh when you walk in the door and is free of clutter of shoes both on the matt and or in the mudroom, with walls that look fresh and clean.  I want clean countertops that are limited in harmful bacteria, sinks that look clean, crumb free bread box and utensil drawers. Clean and fresh looking cupboards inside and out, clean stove and oven, clean fridge, a floor that looks clean and is easy to manage, clean windows, tidy table, clean hardwood floors through out, paw print and nose print free glass on French doors, garbage and recyclables organized and hidden from view (and smell), bright airy living room with a couch that is dog hair free (or contained to pet covers that stay in place), clean bathrooms with  laundry organized and put away, clean bedrooms that are completely floored, and limited in pet hair and smell,  Clean, freshly painted  basement stairs and basement …creating a fresh smelling, dust free and welcoming atmosphere for the kids to hang out.    To feel good about welcoming people in to my home.	We could     hire someone to come in to do the heavy cleaning (They may need to pressure hose the whole house down :)) Hire someone to come in once a week      Throw out half the stuff I am clinging to that is adding to clutter         New stone counters that are easy to clean and care for ,I didn't get stone counters...out of myprice range  at this point..but I faux painted my countertops marble with my daughter's help...looked pretty cool for a while.  Paint cupboards with easy to clean paint....daughter and I used a cabinet refinishing kit and painted them a lovely colour Paint walls, purchase a better easy to use mop that I can run through the house twice a week with purchase better garbage/recycling disposal systems for inside and out Purchase a Roomba vacuum to vacuum for me when I am too tired. (which is always lol)  This will help to keep the pet hair down to a minimum...got one as a gift Remove wall between kitchen and living room to open up the space, allow for more air and light to circulate...created a large opening for a pass through lunch counter...really made a difference with the light Better pet covers on furniture Kids to regularly help with chores (do their own laundry!)  Air purifiers Self cleaning oven...when D. move din after his house fire I adopted his brand new self cleaning oven Dishwasher New kitchen floor that is easy to clean ( no grouting!) Minimalize...remove lots of the furniture

I have everything but the dishwasher  and hired help checked off ...isn't that cool?  I wasn't even aware I was completing my list as the things showed up. 

Just thought I would share!

All is well. 

Life Is Difficult

 

Life is difficult! 

Scott Peck , opening line of The Road Less Travelled. 

That is a very powerful statement, isn't it? Off-putting even? I remember when I picked up Peck's book for the first time over twenty years ago and I read that line, I was like What? Who would want to read a book that begins like that? 

I think I actually put the book down and wanted nothing to do with it.  At the time, I was looking for inspiration and "feel good" stuff not books that slapped you across the face with the truth I was trying to run from, Life is difficult!

I did end up picking it up again and reading the whole thing.  It was a game changer but in order to be transformed by Peck's words I had to first get through (not over, not around, not under...but through) that statement of absolute truth. Life is difficult.

Is that not, the first truth in Buddhist teachings, "Suffering exists" and are those seeking the freedom from suffering not told that they must first accept and allow for the reality that suffering is a part of life?

I have spent the first portion of my life, avoiding, denying, stuffing, running from and numbing from pain, trauma and challenge so as not to have to deal with this notion that suffering exists or that life is difficult. I was trying to control, fix, manipulate and paint the world "out there"  in rosy colours so I didn't have to feel anything akin to suffering "in here." By the time I picked up Peck's book, in my  thirties, I was exhausted by my efforts and was starting to realize that all the positive thinking, affirmations and visualizing  were not getting me anywhere.  I was not peaceful...anythng but. So that line , Life is difficult, was not only the reason I put the book down...it was the reason I picked it up again.  

This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. Scott Peck

Like I said this book, once I got through that line, was a game changer for me. It changed the way I was approaching life. Instead of running from pain and suffering I began, albeit slowly, to walk towards it and lean into it. I wanted to understand what Life was all about and knew that I first had to understand what suffering was all about so I took the journey I was already on a little deeper. I took it inward and began what many would call more of a "spiritual" seeking than a superficial one. I, however, am not sure I would even call it a spiritual mission, I embarked on.  It just seemed to be a natural  step in my evolution as a human being. 

Recognizing When Someone Isn't There Yet

Yesterday, I spoke on the phone to a loved one who still is where I was before I accepted the fact that Life is difficult. Even though the trauma she endured, the twists of fate  that landed on her shoulders again and again  were like out of this world in terms of testing the human psyche...even though this inescapable  pain has etched its signature in deep dark lines inside her making her bleed all over the place ...she still refuses to turn inward and deal with her suffering.  She runs and runs and runs from it and despite how exhausting it must be she refuses to stop, turn around and face it. After decades of doing the same thing she still doesn't see how obvious her flawed escape plan is to all who watch her run. It breaks my heart.  

I used to exhaust myself chasing after her with my "You need to stop!"and  a mirror in my hand..  "Look!  Look!  Look!" but she just ran around me or over me. My mind was full of "This is bad!  This is wrong!  This shouldn't be!" ...It took me a long time to simply accept that  it simply was.  It was and is what it is. 

Over the years we ( her loved ones)  even threw more than a few obstacles in her path to trip her and slow her down but she just got up and kept going.We put up more than a few road blocks ...she maneuvered around them.  It got too painful to watch...so we walked away.  I am back now, with my new way of approaching Life...watching from a distance, opening my heart  but at the same time I accept there is nothing I can do beyond calling out to her, "I see you bleeding. I know you are in pain. I love you and I am here whenever you are ready to stop." Hmm! 

We cannot run forever, can we?  Even though her fear of her pain is greater than her desire for peace right now...she cannot run forever. Someday, in one way or another, she will realize that it is far easier to accept suffering than it is to spend a life time running from it , won't she?  Well that is my prayer for her...that someday she will stop running, transcend suffering and experience the peace she so deserves. 

Anyway, Life is difficult and knowing that is a wonderful thing...

You are not your life situation, you are Life. 

 Eckhart Tolle

All is well! 

Scott Peck ( 1978) The Road less Travelled.Simon and Shuster

The Background of Perfect Harmony

 When we lose our balance we die, but at the same time we also develop ourselves, we grow. Whatever we see is changing, losing its balance. The reason everything looks beautiful is because it is out of balance, but its background is always in perfect harmony...everything appears to be in the form of suffering [if we do not realize the background].  But if you understand the background of existence, you realize that suffering itself is how we live, and how we extend our life. page 12

I have been inspired to read , Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. And by inspired I mean I forgot to stop a run of videos from automatically playing on my computer when I walked away from my screen yesterday and when I came back, hours later, I heard the audio version of this book playing and it was like, "Aha! I need to read/listen to this book." So that is what I am doing. You may call it an unrelated coincidence, or "airy-fairy" nonsense...I choose to call it being inspired.  :)  

Foreground

So this chapter, I am reading now, is all about understanding the difference between the foreground and background of our existence. In the foreground we see things that are beautiful and ugly...you cannot have beautiful without an ugly; right and wrong...cannot have a right without a wrong and good and bad...can't have a good without a bad. When something is seen as beautiful...it is out of balance...the pendulum has swung too much to one side.

But...

Background

The background on which this foreground plays out is always balanced and in harmony...because it is the middle way, the stilled pendulum, the midway point between beautiful and ugly, right and wrong, or good and bad.  It is here where there is no duality. ...a merging of both poles. So if we are aware of this spcious background  we can just look at suffering as a necessary part of the foreground .  In order to swing to joy, we had to have swung to suffering, in order to return to harmony...we must first have experienced chaos. So suffering, then, makes us aware of our every changing foreground and from there we can desire and return to balanced harmony of the background.  

Only in this spacious background, will we have order and control. 

To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him.page 13

It is All about Letting Go

It is all about letting go and letting be...that which is. Be aware...observe the natural flow of order and disorder without trying to control, manipulate and fix the chaos in the outer world  in a futile attempt to bring order to your psyche.  Just gently bring your awareness to the spacious background and  let it go! There you will find harmony and control.  

The true purpose is to see things as they are, and to let everything go as it goes.  This is to put everything under control in its widest sense. page13-14

All is well. 

Shunryu Suzuki (2020) Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. 50th Anniversary Edition. Shambala: Colorado

The Whole Works

 The information contained in the image of yourself...is an extremely inadequate image so when you feel you are a lonely, put upon, isolated little stranger confronting all that is...you have an illusionary feeling because the truth is reversed...you are the whole works that there is, that always was and always has been and always will be. 

Alan Watts 

Go along with it!

Shot at Niagra Falls in August, 2015.  Not sure of specs...have to go back to data. 

Alan Watts/Wiara. (Oct 2017) Watch your thoughts and feelings. https://wwhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT-VLNrk-F8 

Ever Present Reality

 Synchronicity is the ever present reality for those who have eyes to see.

C.G.Jung

From Dream to Reality

Okay we are still on the topic of synchronicty because, lo and behold, the dream I had two nights ago that woke me up in a state of panick telling me  that something had to be done because if it wasn't the person would have a confrontation with the authorities over it. ...happened, just as I dreamt it would. 

When I awoke from the dream  at five am I had the strongest feeling that this something  had to get done before the weekend was over. ...that we couldn't wait until Monday as he so wanted to do. So I spent all of Saturday assisting this individual to get this thing done but it never got done.  After spending hours on it,  I realized I had done all I can do...the rest was up to him.  I then felt the serenity needed to let go.  I still worried about what might happen but knew it was beyond my control.  I did my part: I listened to the dream, heeded the sense of warning in it;  I had told him about it and shared  the sense of urgency I got from it and I strongly suggested he believe it enough to  take action..  He laughed it off as "woo-woo".  

I proceeded to take care of the situation on my own in order to to release my own sense of concern the dream installed in me and then I let go of it. 

Beginning to Doubt?

Nothing happened Saturday. I began to doubt.  

Though I spent the weekend having  this intense startle reaction every time I heard a siren....by 5 PM on Sunday, still nothing. Doubt and other people's reaction to my dream started to play with my faith. 

By six that evening I was discounting everything, asking myself who the heck I thought I was...a freaking psychic or something? Why would I be given such a gift...am I having delusions of Grandeur? What is wrong with me? 

My conditioning and other people's opinion kind of  crept in as time went on, clouding my trust that there might be  something to this dream...even though my gut kept saying. "Listen!  Listen!  Listen!"  

I really began to believe that nothing would happen and told myself  if the weekend went by with nothing happening, like it probably would, then I had to face the fact I was just  being silly, lost in the wanting to believe in the Something Greater of  synchronicity  rather than  having a revelation that I can believe.  Sigh!  It felt so good to believe.

Then I get a call shortly after 7.  It happened.  

From Doubt to Faith

My dream became a reality with many, if not most of the things I dreamt taking place :  intersection, baby in car, female officer...seeking exactly that which we did not get done. 

The person directly involved  still did not get excited over the fact  that it happened the way it did after I woke him up and told him I had "one of my dreams" and that  he had to take care of this thing before the  weekend was over!  Some others in my household just said it was a freaky coincidence. and seemed nonplused about it.   Those, however,  who have been keeping tabs on what they refer to as my "freaky-witchy"  nature were amazed once again...but the "males" in my life weren't.

Amazed into Faith

I was amazed!  I was completely blown away by the accuracy of the turn of events and by how I knew when I had the dream, it was "one of those".  You have to understand something...this thing he had  not going on was not going on for well over a year!  There was well over 365 days for this to happen. Is it not beyond mere coincidence, then, to have it happen after seeing it  happening so clearly in a dream...that by the way interrupted another dream like some emergency broadcast message... giving me a time frame in which it will happen and describing in some detail how it will happen?  

Fortunately, the consequence I was expecting, which could have been life changing instigating such a panick reaction in me, did not happen.   So I was given the amazing gift of him getting off easy, at the same time being pushed by external forces, other than me,  to get done what should have been done long ago and most importantly, I was given the revelation that I can trust my inner guidance. It was almost like it all happened the way it did to remind me that I could. It  seemed like it was more  a gift for me, than  a warning for him! 

I was literally high on that revelation. It was like "Wow!  It happened again.  There really is something to this, beyond random coincidence! Maybe I do have very reliable inner guidance system and  gut instinct." 

Wanting to Leave it At Amazed! 

Now ...that is where I want to leave that...ooohhing and ahhhing over the mystery of Life; the sensing of  this Force that is so much greater  than what we can see and understand in this world ; the hope and the peace one gets when they realize they are open and connecting  to this  amazing ...whatever It is. It is like Wow! 

Will Ego let me leave it there? 

The question of concern is...can I leave it there when I am far from evolved?  You see, I sense Redeemer ego creeping in and wrapping his greedy little fingers around this. "Hmm!  Maybe you are a little more worthy than we and the world originally thought. Maybe you have a "special" gift, meaning that maybe you are special."  

Beware of "Special"

"Special" is a road blocking term on the road to waking up. That right there sets little warning bells off in my head.  I hear an internal warning not to go there...not to give this thing, that would probably happen to every single person on the planet if we were all open and inspired, to a seperate little ego who would run off and do damage with it ...and ultmately close this mind and body I refer to as "me"  down from receiving it. 

Redeemer ego  could, if I don't stay aware,  take the "I" in "I have a special gift"...and make it about "me" when it has nothing to do with this clump of flesh and personality I call "me"...It is much grander and more universal than that and then go on to compare "me"  to others in the seperation game ego so loves. ...  "And if you have something others don't have, you are special... and if you are "special" you are more than what they are."  

In reality, it is much more simple than that.  Every now and again, I , as an expression of Life, find myself open to those dormant faculties Patanjali spoke about. 

We all have them.  The question is are we open to them? Sometimes I am open and sometimes I close them off.  Sometimes these faculties wake up and scream to come through and if I am open just a smigeon they come through.  Other times, it is an intense openness in me that allows my consciousness to reach in and shake these fcaulties from deep sleeep. It is all about being open to that which exists beyond the visible, material realm of existence. There is Something/No-thing Greater there. 

Anyway, I believe that synchronicity is also at play here for your benefit as well. This dream and its manifestation happened while we were talking about synchronicity .  Do you not see that there was that Greater Something at play, providing a real time example of synchronicity for me to share with you in real time? How amazing is that? 

It is all just so amazing to me! 

Anyway,  All is well! 

Some Great Purpose

 

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all of your thoughts break their bonds. Your mind transcends limitations; your consciousness expands in every direction; and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive and you discover yourself to be a greater person than you ever dreamed yourself to be.

Patanjali

Hmm! Today I am focusing on the last sentence, Dormant forces, faculities and talents become alive...to go with our recent discussion on synchronicty.  Something amazing does happen when we are open to the wisdom of the Higher Self, when we are following our bliss, heeding our calling, listening to the muses...however, else you may want to describe inspiration. Things you never even realized you had within you come to life through synchronicity. 

There is a dormant force that comes to life in me when I sit to allow a poem through.  Man, my rational mind does not want to write poetry and it especially does not want me to put it out there or here...but when  some little voice inside me says "poem!" (and I don't mean that literally) I have learned over the eyars to stop resisting and  I sit my butt down. I write a poem.  

Certainly doesn't feel like a great purpose, or an extraordinary project to little "me" but I guess it is important to something within me.  I literally do not even know what I am going to write...one or two lines will kind of "come to me" and then the fingers do the rest.  They come out fast and a lot of times they come out pretty awful lol.  I may revise or  edit and if I do that is the only real ego involvement in it. Otherwise it is totally beyond me. My thoughts break their bonds and my mind transcends limitations.  

The thing about any poem I write is that there are so many synchronistic events that come to my awareness after writing it ...I will hear people referring to the lines in my poem or see something similar  in other context and then I will understand what my poem meant and why I wrote it.  I am so totally disconnected to the actual process and at the same time I am so completely swept away by it. I do not understand it. 

Remember Jung's approach to synchronicity offered in the quote from two days ago? Now...what I do not want to do is paint this process of writing poetry and the synchronicity that follows  as a mystical, fantastical or magical experience.  I want to strip off the magic, fantasy and superstition. I want, for some reason, to remove the "woo-woo" so it is viewed as a real learning opportunity  that involves moving us toward something we have yet to truly understand.

 

What I am learning to do with my poetry, and synchronicity in general,  is the same thing Carolyn Myss says we should do with living: approach  it with no judgement, expectation or concern about what will happen next.

We are ll being taken along some path to some great purpose...let's let go our need to lead and control this journey... and simply follow. 

All is well.

. 

More on Synchronicity

There are many events in the womb of time that wait to be delivered.

Othello: Act 1,Scene 3

Another Dream

I had another dream last night. Just a scene popped up in the middle of another dream like some unexpected ad indicating that an action is required in a certain area, not for me but someone I love. There was no words ...just this symbolic snippet  and I woke up knowing that if this action did not take place soon then there would be very dramatic consequences for him. I walked around the house at 5 am feeling almost panicked and in need to have this thing I do not feel okay about disclosing here even though it is nothing sinister  taken care of. After a few minutes pacing, I told myself there was nothing that could be done at five in the morning and went back to sleep.  When I woke up again at 8 I was off...didn't feel grounded, felt physically ill almost and I compulsively  proceeded to take care of this thing for the other person, knowing at the same tme it wasn't mine to take care of. Well, I ran into some obstacles  and ws unable to complete the task.  Feeling totally off kilter I resorted to a simple meditation to ground me. It worked.  I will soon begin the task again when I am finished here.  Figured writing about synchronicity will also help settle me a bit more.

Okay...here we go ...these are some of the amazing things I learned or was reminded of about Carl Jung's explanation of the word he coined. 

What Synchronicity Means?

Syn/chronic/ity...can be broken into sylables that mean the coming together in time and timing.  External events will often coincide with internal events.  For example, a dream or a thought (Internal) about, say, someone you have not seen in years, may result in you running 'coincidentally' into that person the next day(external). My dream about something going on in my body was met with several coinciding events within a certain time period. 

Fate and Destiny

The belief then is that this goes beyond mere random coinicdence and is related to what some term "fate" or "destiny" .  It is not random chance but meaningful chance. It is determined by something much greater than our "little" egos and what we believe ourselves to be (mind/body forms) . 

One World

Jung teaches that there is one world, 'Unus Mundus' and this world includes both the consciousness of each individual and every happening in the universe.  Mind and matter are merely two aspects of one reality. 

Bringing the Light to Darkness

There are points of correspondence between inner and outer worlds, between mind and matter that tell us about our destiny. What is our destiny according to Jung? To bring the light of consciousness into the darkness. Our destiny is to evolve...to go from not seeing clearly to seeing clearly and to help others see clearly who we really are. We need to look into our own darkness, our shadow selves, and integrate all the good, bad, and ugly into a unified whole. This may also mean going blindly into our suffering, our 'dark night of the soul' so we can come  out the other side into morning, a new awakening. We are here to reach our whole and full potential. ...what Jung called Individuation.  When we find that we will be fulfilled.

When we are open and ready for that evolution, many quirky things will happen. We will receive guidance from something far greater than our little mes and this guidance can come in the form of synchronicity. Events in the outer world will match up with our internal worlds For me, it comes in dreams, poetry, strange but not random 'coincidences' , very powerful gut feelings, and other kooky things. :) 

Readiness

It will only happen , however, when the time is right.  We cannot force this transformation because it is determined by the One Mind...not our puny little ego minds. We will only evolve to the next step when the time is right and we are ready.  Readiness is crucial.  We cannot force this evolution. The universe will push us and gently nudge us forward when we and it are ready.  That is when we will notice its interventions in the form of little synchronistic events. Our destiny, then, is revelaing itself to us. We can affirm our readiness by reciting this mantra often "I am ready for the next step and I am open to that." 

Being Open and Trusting

This is more of a letting go and trusting that everything around us is a participant in the process by which we evolve,than something we do  It is not something we as a little self does.  We need to let go and let the Higher Self take over.  Thy will be done, rather than may 'my' will be done.  

And we have to be open, paying attention to the "signs" or whatever you want to call them when they come.  Do not ignore these gut feelings, these dreams, these so called 'coincidences' .  See them for what they are...a treasury of wisdom.

Seeking Help from Ancestors

Jung also encourgaes us to seek help from our ancestors who are also participating in our evolution.  He uses the term "collective unconscious" to speak to the energy of those who passed on that still remains around us, guiding and supporting. Why does that sound so 'airy fairy' for most of us? Indiginous people have been seeking guidance from their ancestors since the beginning of human time. Jung refers to what they offer us in the form of memory, genetic transmission, and some deeper , more 'airy fairy' connection as the "treasury of wisdom". 

What are we here to do?

The Franciscan order, following the teaching of Saint Francis, teaches that everyone of us is created for a purpose, that we have a job to do  and we need to ask on  daily basis, "What has God called me in existence to be?"  

The higher Self is always pushing us towards what it is we are here to do and the ego dominated little self is always resisting our growth and transformation. And is the ego that is our demon, not some force outside of us. This demon will inflate us or deflate us in an attempt to prevent us from connecting to our higher Self and our purpose. It is the ego that says, "Don't listen to that nonsense" when things are revealed through synchronicity. 

Tricky Ego 

Yes the ego is tricky and sometimes we erroneously are guided by its motivations, believing them to be synchronicity.  Brother Jude, reminds us in the video, that if we are really honest with ourselves and take the time to stop, contemplate, or meditate over some guidance we assume we are receiving...we will be able to tell if it is ego, what we want to see happening or the Higher Self which echos where we are being called to go speaking to us. Stop, listen and know. or as it says in psalms, "Be still and know that I am God."

Hmm!  So much beautiful wisdom in this discussion.  Please check it out for yourself! 

All is well! 

PSA-SF ( March 2020) The Power of Coincidence on the Spiritual Path -with David Richo PHD and Brother Jude Hill SSF. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDxzFm-GBnY

This is a post dated Add on ( January 12, 2022)

I was rereading this today when I checked my site to see that it was read by another, and though I think I relayed this information in a following entry ...I felt compelled to relay it here. 

Everything, absolutely everything, I had seen in that dream snippet...happened. I knew it was going to happen that weekend and it happened at 7 Pm Sunday night.  I second guessed myself all weekend but the feeling (fear and apprehension, the pull to do something about it) would not go away.  I kept warning the individual involved, told him about my dream, giving him all the details: the 'what', the 'when', the 'how', the 'who' and the 'where'...said "it was one of those kind you can't ignore"...scared him a little... but by Sunday afternoon he was more or less conceding that I was crazier than a bag of hammers... Even after it happened...as I had told him it would... he said it was just a coincidence and dismissed it.  I, on the other hand, was blown away.

Anyway...whatever it was , was pretty darn kooky, don't you think? 

All is well. 

Synchronicity

 

Jung used the idea of synchronicity to strip off the fantasy, magic and superstition which surround and are provoked by unpredictable, startling and impressive events, that like these, tend to be connected. 

-C.G. Jung, Synchronicity  https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/822546-synchronizit-t-als-ein-prinzip-akausaler-zusammenh-nge

Today I would like to write about synchronicity. I often use the word serendipity instead of this one, meaning the same thing, but in support of my adherence to the teachings of the founder of that word, Carl Jung, I will refer to it as synchronicity.

Synchronicity and a Dream 

Now I have been thinking alot about this word, especially after the profound and powerful dream I had, about what would be happening in my body. Let me refresh your memory. In February, I had a dream that I recorded where a female voice I could not explain the source of told me very clearly that something was happening in my pelvic area and not to fret...it was not  life threatening 'yet'. But if changes and my approach were not made it would turn into something. I woke up from that dream with a "Wow!"  

I mean I get a lot of messages in my dreams but they are usually symbolic and cryptic and it takes a great deal of contemplation and research to discover what they might mean...but this one was so easy and straight forward! It was so clear. It stuck with me and I immediately began the next morning  to delve even deeper into this mission I was already on to  determine what changes I needed to make in my life.  I was already seriously contemplating my present living situation. The dream, however,  was not clear at all on what those changes should be.

The First Synchronistic Event 

Anyway, less than two days after the dream  I began to have postmenopausal bleeding which  was like a "Wow!This is amazing synchronicity! (I probably used the word: serendipity)  At the same time I was tripping on the mystical revelation, I also considered the pathophysiological implications.  I know that postmenopausal bleeding of any type should be investigated as soon as possible.  

Resisting the Message 

But...you knew there was a but coming, right?... Because of the way the idea of having to reactivate  health seeking triggers me and drags up very damaging memories and a certain  hopelessness that I will get help,  I began to discount my dreams. I didn't want to go there. 

All the next day I told myself..." Nah...it is just a silly coincidence. You do not want to open up that draining, painful and very shame inducing can of worms again do ya? Sure look at what changes you may need to make in your life but do not do the health seeking thing again.  The bleeding is probably nothing and it will stop on its own." 

Another synchronistic event

The following day I get a call from my physician for an appointment I didn't even know I had. I mean I had called the pharmacy to get my meds refilled a day or two before  but I did not make an appointment with the doctor.  I did not even receive a reminder earlier that day that I had an appointment.  It was like out of the blue. Just as I was contemplating my dream, I get  a call that the doctor is on the line...bizarre.  Anyway, I took the appointment with the soul purpose of getting my prescription for heart meds refilled, nothing else.  I was not going to tell him about the bleeding....(just like I didn't want to tell him about the mass I palpated a year and a half ago).   He started asking me questions, however,  about my menopuasal health and  despite  my active  conscious resistance, just like I did with the mass,  I blurted out that I was bleeding. It came out from some place deep within me even though I had no intention for it to come out. Once it was out, I definitely tried to down play the whole scenario because I did not want to go back to that department I knew he would send me to for tests and I didn't want to have to depend on the opinion of a certain individual there who I felt, in my gut,  had an agenda that superceded the desire to protect the  wellness of  female patients.  (I have a very strong and possibly inexplicable or even unfounded  distrust in this person's motivations. I can't get around it!)  It would be opening up another can of worms in the  sense of making me relive my  last painful, long, drawn out health seeking experience. 

And Another

Anyway, I reluctantly  agreed to go for tests but was immediately filled with memory and dread. Not only that, that very  night I began to get severe pain with the bleeding especially on the left side. My body began to speak to me big time.  That pain and awful feeling of dread lingered for another two days until I got another call out of the blue.

And Another 

This call came from a medical genetics clinic's office admin.  She wanted to schedule an appointment with me for pre-testing.  I had forgotten that a few months earlier I  agreed to  do the genetic testing I was offered three other times in my life time. I finally agreed,  after recently having  another aha moment where I was filled with a certain worry that my daughters could be predisposed to this thing I had that led to all these unhealthy dealings and long painful waits to rule out cancer. If , I figured, I tested negative, that would reduce my worry for them  and it would make the waits I and they expereinced  much less painful. That was months ago and I had literally forgotten all about it .

And Another

A week later , after I have the test I was dreading getting done in that department , I discover through the pretesting appointment  that my family may be at a higher risk than I originally thought, not only for breast cancer, but also for ovarian cancer.  And it was like a bell went off in my head, "Ting! Ting! Ting!" The thought immediately occurred to me, "This might just be a cyst or  endometriosis but if I do not make some changes it could turn into cancer. Maybe that is what my dream is telling me." Of course, if I test positive for BRC2 the option would be provided me to remove my reproductive organs to prevent ovarian cancer. I am not sure if these are the "changes" that  my dream was referring to or not.

And Another

Now when I finally got my other test results back, as I strongly suspected , there was no mention of the left side indicating to me that what ever is there causing the pain is more deeply infiltrated like an endometriosis. And there is a cyst on the right side. These are both far from life threatening issues...but...they both increase the risk for ovarian cancer in a post-menopuasal woman and if I am positive for BRC2 ...then they greatly increase the risk. The reporter indicated that I could go a year without follow up...which would not be good if I am at risk.  

Connected!

I don't care what anyone says I know in my heart that this dream and these events are all connected.  The question is to what.  What change am I suppose to make? 

What Change is the  Dream Pointing To? 

Has my dream and the synchronicity of the events that immediately followed  been trying to prepare me  and lead me toward testing and the preventitive measure of making physical changes in my body? 

I am not sure if I will test positive but if I do,  I now know what option I will take.  If  I got the call for an appointment before having this dream, I might have, once again, refused the testing...or if  I did agree and I tested positive I would probably not agree to  take the extreme aproach...but after that dream...I will get tested and I know what I will do should I test positive. Synchronicity has spoken.

I also know that the changes I need to make may have little  to do with testing results. It may have to do with my approach to health seeking.  Maybe I have to change my approach, to be strong and assertive, standing up for myself and others so we do not have to go through what I went through...so we get teh help we need.  Maybe my dream was just telling me, "With every health issue you are given, grow a stronger back bone, speak your truth about how you and others are sometimes treated. Trust yourself and your gut instinct. Use this to heal old wounds and become whole etc."   

I also question what I have been questioning long before the dream.  Is this living situation healthy for me?  I hear a big resounding "No!" in my head. Then I wonder was the  dream telling me, if I stay in this situation as it is  I will deplete my energy to the point of sickness?

Hmm! There is no doubt in my mind that what I have been experiencing with and since the  dream was synchronicity.  I know change of some kind needs to be made to protect and preserve my body long enough for me to carry out what I am here to do. And that change involves one or all of the above.  Time will tell.

Just So Amazing!

Pretty cool though, isn't it?  Knowing that there is something so much grander and wiser than this little body and mind we identify as "me" guiding us through this human experience is both amazing and comforting.

Please check out the video I "happened" upon this morning just when I was contemplating this wonderful thing called synchronicity. It was excatly what I needed at that moment in my life.  Amazing!

All is well!

APC-SF (March,2020) The Power of Coincidence on the Spiritual Path. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDxzFm-GBnY